happiness in marriage if you

3 Ways To Find Happiness In Marriage If You’re a Woman

happiness in marriage if you're a woman

 

I don’t have studies to back up what I’m about to say but, I’m going to say it anyway. I do a lot of reading and research about divorce and why people divorce. The number one complaint I hear from women about why they chose divorce is, inevitably, “I was no longer happy.” Their marriage wasn’t making them happy, their husband wasn’t making them happy, the way they viewed that moment in time in their lives didn’t make them feel happy.

The running theme is, for some reason, women expect their happiness to come from without, not within. When they settle into marriage and the daily humdrum of raising children, making a living and holding a marriage together women become disenchanted because it turns out, marriage isn’t a fairytale and no one will live “happily” ever after.

According to Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, “Happiness is at least 50% genetic. Positive psychologists tend to acknowledge a much weaker version of the happiness set-point view and often point out that even if genetics determines about half of our happiness, the rest is caused by factors that we can control to some extent; our circumstances (about 10%) and our intentional activities, such as the way we choose to think about things (about 40%).”

Let’s break that down, genetics is 50% responsible for how happy a person feels. Circumstance is 10% responsible and how one chooses to think about their circumstance is 40% responsible. It isn’t my intent to diminish anyone’s feelings BUT unless you are married to an abuser, alcoholic or slacker it is possible that these women aren’t happy because of genetics or the way they choose to think about their circumstance and, not as a result of a bad marriage.

As my grandmother used to say, women who divorce because they are no longer happy could be “throwing the baby out with the bathwater.” Getting rid of the thing that could bring them the most happiness by divorcing, in pursuit of some skewed idea of what it means to be happy or, what happiness actually is.

How to Find Happiness in Marriage If You’re a Woman

Happiness is a state of mind, not of circumstance. If you want a happy marriage, you have to make it a happy marriage. Happiness doesn’t magically occur when he stops working 50 hours a week and spends more time with you and the children. It won’t magically occur when the children are grown or there is enough money to cover all the bills. It won’t be found in regular date nights or, snuggling on the couch every night watching romantic comedies.

Your life, inside your marriage, is now, today, dealing with what comes your way and how you choose to think about what it takes to get you through the day. Happiness comes from determining to feel good about whatever life dishes out on any given day. It’s about attitude.

If a woman is blessed with a loving husband who works hard to provide and children who work hard at driving her crazy she is going to find happiness in those blessings because she chooses to view them as such. To be happy one has to allow that 40% positive attitude to hold more authority than the 10% negative attitude about her situation.

Get over thinking someone owes you happiness. Or, that some outside force can “make” you happy. Husbands and children can impact how happy you feel but, ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. If the drudgery of working, being a wife and mothering is sapping your energy and ability to feel happy it is your job to introduce activities into your life that balance those obligations with activities you enjoy.

Most women become unhappy in marriage because they lose their identity to the marriage and they put their needs second to the needs of their husband and children. That is a rule book written by women and it is full of rules that need to be broken. One way to do that, to stir the pot and not fall victim to the antiquated idea that your needs aren’t important is to simply, get out and do things you like to do.

Your children, marriage, husband, and home will not fall apart if you spend a few hours at an art class or, go to the gym daily to work out and keep your body and mind in shape. Women who are happily married have a life outside the marriage, husband, and children.

I have a friend who takes a yearly, weeklong vacation away from her role as wife and Mom. She also maintains a popular blog about women’s issues and writes daily. That is her life and passion, something she does for herself that in no way is related to her role as someone’s wife and mother. Do something, on a daily basis that brings you a sense of joy, is an escape from the whining children and constantly working husband. If you do, you will have a deeper appreciation for your own sense of autonomy AND the daily drudgery that is marriage and raising a family.

Be your authentic self. Did you go into marriage with a set of rules about the kind of wife and mother you want to be? Are the rules realistic? Can you eat off the floors, are the beds made daily, your children dressed and spat shined? Do you have a routine you follow from the moment your feet hit the floor in the morning until your head hits the pillow at night?

That image you have in your mind about the perfect wife and mother may play a role in unhappiness you feel. Why not give yourself a break and be yourself, not who you think you should be for your children and husband but, yourself. If that means not making the beds daily, so be it. If it means sitting your children in front of cartoons in the morning while you journal or meditate, go for it.

Let go of the need to keep up with your own false image of who a good wife and mother is and allow your own personality to drive the kind of wife and mother you are. Your husband and your children will benefit by getting to know the real you. You will benefit by being able to relax and let go of some silly preconceived notion and living your own reality.

Adjusting your attitude, taking responsibility for your own happiness and living authentically may lead to things like, a husband who comes home early from work because he enjoys the company of a wife who is upbeat and happy.

A lot of research has been done on attraction and it all points to the fact that people are attracted to others who are friendly, happy and self-confident. If you have a full life, interests of your own and don’t need anyone or any institution to “make” you happy, guess what, you will be happy. You don’t need to leave your marriage to find happiness, you only need to make a few adjustments.

And, those adjustments will promote and change in the way your husband and children react to and engage with you. It’s a simple way of taking away the need to divorce because you are, “no longer happy.”

Disclaimer: This article does not apply to women living in abusive marriages where they are in danger of physical harm or death.

The post 3 Ways To Find Happiness In Marriage If You’re a Woman appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How To Celebrate Mother’s Day As A Divorced Mom

mother's day as a divorced mom 

 

When Mother’s Day comes in the midst of divorce proceedings, there is not enough you can do for your divorcing friend. There are treats and cards. If the children are with their father then umpteen invitations will be showered upon the almost single mother. What about the next ten Mother’s Days after divorce? Some parents have put in their parenting plans that the kids spend Mother’s or Father’s Days with the parent that is being honored. Others do a trade for the day without a legal mandate.

My first Mother’s Day happened during a contentious divorce with my husband threatening to pull out of collaborative proceedings for a battle in court. It was very unsettling, and I barely remember that holiday. We did what we usually had done and went to an elaborative Mother’s Day brunch.

My mother made sure that I had a present from each son, so had taken them out shopping earlier in the week. She gave me something nice, too. Two years later we started new traditions to make the day seem more like it belonged to us. We exorcized the ghosts of Mother’s Day past and did not do anything like we did when I was still married. We shook up our routine and had a simple meal out followed by an anticipated movie. This year we will have a celebratory latte and lunch followed by Paul Blart’s film, “Mall Cop 2.” Celebrate in a new way, whether or not you have the kids with you.

How to Celebrate Mother’s Day As a Divorced Mom:

1. Have brunch at your place and invite other women, whether or not they are mothers. Make it extra festive with some champagne or Bloody Marys.

2. Ask your children for suggestions on how to celebrate this occasion in other ways.

3. If you have family nearby, get together with them and the kids will have fun with cousins.

4. When I was little, I treated my divorced mother at a reasonable family restaurant every Mother’s Day in a more rural area. It was a beautiful drive and the cost was within my allowance. Give your kids the chance to do something nice for you.

What do You do if You’re Alone on Mother’s Day? Below are 6 Ideas:

1. Consider taking a mini trip somewhere.

2. Do something to distract you that is interesting.

3. I know two divorced women with grown children who live in distant cities who are off to France this week on a packaged tour. These lucky ones will be celebrating Mother’s Day on the Riviera. There are travel agencies that have trips for singles in wonderful locales. It is nice to have the camaraderie of a group.

4. Some folks choose to give back to others which takes the focus off themselves. Volunteering is a way to feel fulfilled, particularly if the kids are with dad and a new stepmother.

5. My mother worked on this holiday as a nurse, when I had visitation with my father. If you can work on Mother’s Day and take a day off when you’ll be with your children, perfect!

6. Some nail salons are open on Sundays, so a manicure and pedicure can be just the ticket to raise up one’s spirits. Sometimes there are free concerts or craft fairs on this day which are fun to attend.

One thing to a avoid: Giving into the temptation of dulling the ache of loneliness by self-medicating. I know of a circumstance where the father was engaged in parental alienation and the daughter did not contact her mom on Mother’s Day. This woman had an accidental fatal overdose of medications, including combining anti-depressants along with alcohol. Over-imbibing does not get rid of a problem, it merely postpones doing something about it.

Decide if you want to stay busy, or laze around on the couch reading the latest bestseller. Whatever you decide to do, high-quality chocolate will make it even better!

The post How To Celebrate Mother’s Day As A Divorced Mom appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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“I’m Getting Divorced…Am I Going to Lose My Home Business?”

“I’m Getting Divorced…Am I Going to Lose My Home Business?”

In divorce actions, all participants would prefer a scenario where the one spouse dictates the separation terms. Particularly if you are concerned about the home business you worked so hard to build, animosity toward a divorcing spouse should be avoided at all costs.

The post “I’m Getting Divorced…Am I Going to Lose My Home Business?” appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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fear of being alone after divorce

How I Overcame My Fear Of Being Alone After Divorce

fear of being alone after divorce

 

When I was married I lived a comfortable life. For the most part, I was surrounded by people – my husband, my daughter, my son and my dog. We did most things together, whether it be trips to the shops, gatherings with friends and family, or any of the other myriad things that consume family life. We were a ‘regular’, ‘normal’ and ‘happy’ family.

I was married at 22, had my first child at 24, and my second at 26. By the time my kids were teenagers I could regularly be found counting my lucky stars, grateful that I’d ‘made it’. That (unlike my mother and grandmother) I’d managed to hold my marriage together and would never have to fear being alone. The dreaded ALONE.

When, in my fortieth year, the unthinkable happened and my husband blindsided me with the news that he no longer wanted to be married and was leaving me, I was left shocked and shattered. I was certain that there had been a massive mistake – that this was simply not how my life was supposed to turn out.

In an instant, my childhood fear of being abandoned, alone and unlovable was recognized.

How I Overcame My Fear of Being Alone After Divorce

In the early days of my separation, I found myself consumed with the negative thoughts swirling around my head (funny how grief does that to you). The most prominent of those thoughts were:

What if I’m alone for the rest of my life? What if I never find anybody to love me?

I became almost obsessed with the idea – the fear – of being ‘alone’ forever as if this would be a fate worse than death.

One day I was speaking with a married girlfriend who told me that she often felt alone, and lonely, in her marriage due to her husband’s moods. Another day I accompanied a single girlfriend to watch the film Fifty Shades of Grey which, weirdly enough, helped change my perception of relationships and of what ‘happily ever after’ really meant.

Over time I began to adjust my rigid and outdated views on love, marriage, and loneliness. I slowly came to accept that I would be OK no matter what – that being in a relationship or marriage that stifles individual growth and leaves one or both parties feeling empty and alone (or worse) was surely a fate worse than being forever ‘alone’.

I allowed myself time to GRIEVE

Of course, when we are deep in the throes of grief everything is heightened. Our emotions, our fears, our loneliness. When we have spent a good portion of our life with a significant other, and that significant other is suddenly removed from of our life, we are going to feel the loss. BRUTALLY, at first.

In the early days of my separation, I made it a mission to learn all that I could about the grieving process. I wanted to understand what it was that I was going through, and how long it was going to last. I read inspirational stories of women who had made it through the divorce process, and I asked friends for their break-up stories and strategies.

What I learned was this: I was not always going to feel so terribly alone. But to help me along, I needed to allow myself to grieve – as horrible and painful and excruciating as it was. It simply could not be skipped or bypassed. I very consciously told myself that I would get through it, and eventually, I did.

I MADE myself spend time alone with my pain

This continues on from the point above. In order to move through our pain, we need to feel it. We need to sit with all of the sucky emotions as they arise. Emotions that are processed by us will move through us and eventually leave of their own accord. Emotions that we do not take the time to process become suppressed emotions, and will very likely resurface at a later (often inconvenient) date – and often much worse than the original emotion.

This is NOT to say that you should isolate yourself and do nothing but feel horrible all of the time. It IS to say that you should not look for continual distractions from your grief and pain. I used to sit in the bath, sometimes for hours, with just music and tea for company. This practice alone taught me that pain and loneliness would not kill me!

I made the decision to REDISCOVER who I was

Too many of us lose a piece (or many pieces) of ourselves when in a long-term relationship. We forget who we were before we married – I think I actually forgot that I was somebody at all. I identified as a wife and mother, and that was pretty much it.

When the first excruciating phase of grief had passed, I tentatively decided it was time to find out who I was. Who I was – without the labels of wife and mother. I rediscovered my love of writing. I re-taught myself how to cook (my husband was the chief cook in our household). I spent hours devouring books and movies that I somehow never found the time for whilst married.

And I did most of this alone!

Remember, you were somebody before your marriage and subsequent divorce. And guess what? The girl you were is still in there somewhere! Make it your mission to find her.

I forced myself OUT of my comfort zone

When I was married, I rarely spoke to anyone new or different or outside of my circle of regular people. I felt stupidly secure in the knowledge that each night I would be going home to hubby, and I, therefore, didn’t really see much need to meet new or interesting folk.

As a single woman once again, I oddly found myself going out of my way to say hello to people I wouldn’t normally feel comfortable enough to speak with. For some reason, my new ‘alone’ status gave me the confidence to do this.

I now know that as we evolve and change, so do our tastes and perceptions. Our souls naturally want to seek out different people and experiences in the name of growth, and it is important not to stifle this. So, be brave enough to hang out with the people you feel drawn to, even if they aren’t your ‘regular’ types. Your ‘regular’ is very likely changing from what it once was, just as it changed for me.

I now love my alone time.

Now, four years on from my divorce, I can confidently say that I love my alone time. My first year of divorce taught me how to not only tolerate being alone but to find true joy in it. I have seen that for every loss in life, there is usually a gain and that nothing in life is ever really permanent. And I am no longer scared by this.

The post How I Overcame My Fear Of Being Alone After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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5 signs it

You Deserve Better: 5 Signs It’s Time To Dump Him

5 signs it's time to dump him

 

Getting back into the dating game after a long time is an adventure. Winks and suggested matches on dating sites, endless swipes on Tinder, midnight sexting with that hot stud you exchanged phone numbers with who eventually ghosts you, a few awkward dates with men that you don’t have anything in common with.

After weeks and weeks of this back and forth game, you end up thinking “I just can’t be bothered” and settle down for a guy who seems to be ok: not too shabby in terms of his looks, smart enough to keep up with a conversation, maybe not exactly your type, but oh well. “You need to compromise”, – your friends say and you do your best. You overlook the things that are essential for you and put up with his ways while totally forgetting your own needs.

When somebody asks you “Are you happy with him?”, you just shrug your shoulder, “t could be worse I suppose”.

Stop!

You deserve better than that.

Here are 5 valid reasons it’s time to dump him.

He doesn’t show enough attention

The days when he texted you all day every day (that lasted for the first couple of weeks when you started dating) are long gone. Now he doesn’t text you much if at all, doesn’t reply to your text messages and there are no more cute emojis in his texts. You might think it’s not a big deal, but in fact, it signals a couple of things: it’s either he is not an attentive person and doesn’t see a need in putting an effort into a relationship and igniting the fire or worse – he has lost his interest in you.

When was the last time you received flowers from him? Does he treat you with any gifts every now and again or take you out on a date? Does he give you compliments? If it hardly ever happens and you find yourself in a boring couple’s routine, it is not a good place to be.

You are aware that a relationship is a two-way street and you try to put a spark into your relationship but he does nothing. You cook a nice dinner. He complains that there’s not enough salt in the food. You buy a new dress. He doesn’t even notice. You score tickets for an exclusive theatre performance. He says he’d rather go for a beer with his mates.

Let’s face it: he doesn’t appreciate your effort and takes you for granted. The paradox is that you try even harder hoping that it will eventually pay off. It won’t and he’ll end up sucking your energy like a leech.

Everything bugs him

No matter of your effort he is not happy with it and sometimes it seems there is no way you can please him. Every little thing that you do or you don’t do flares up in an argument. At first, you were trying to stand your ground and explain your position in a calm and logical way, but that only enraged him more. Being a rational woman as you are you decided to take a different approach and let go of those minor things.

Now you end up apologizing for everything and it encourages him to keep on pushing the limits and makes him feel that he is always right. His ego grew to the sky and he feels he can nag you about everything. Did you put his dirty towel in the laundry? “You should have asked me before doing that!”, he roars. Did you order a dessert after dinner? “You should watch out for those calories”, he snarls. He questions every choice of yours and wants you to be his mirror image – as perfect as he is.

The relationship with him feels like a battleground where he is ready to fight you in every single step. He is paranoid that you are fighting against him and somehow trying to harm him. All your good intentions are turned around and interpreted as bad and you don’t know anymore how you should act to avoid the collision. If you are trying to be yourself, you crash. If you are trying to be somebody who could please him, you crash again. Do you see a vicious circle here? Most likely you became a victim of a manipulative man and you put all your efforts to please him that will never happen anyway.

He wants to have his independence

Having a partner who likes the exact same things as you would be naive: you are a unique person and it’s natural that you have slightly different preferences. However, the gap between your lifestyle and your hobbies seems to be as big as The Grand Canyon. You enjoy going out for dinner,  while he always wants to stay in and order a takeaway.

You prefer a healthier lifestyle and he can’t live without his burgers and fries. Your ideal weekend is going on a road trip, while all that he wants to do is close the curtains, sit in the dark and play video games. When you try to find some compromises, he says his independence is very important to him and suggests you go and do your own thing.

You find yourself spending most of the weekends alone, going out only with your girlfriends and traveling solo. All the time that you spend together is when he pops over to yours for dinner and a sleepover before disappearing again in his man cave. When you mention the importance of quality time together, he gets back at you with the importance of his private space.

Living together is not even in the cards. While having separate homes can have advantages, eventually, you will start questioning yourself where this Living Apart Together relationship is taking you. The lack of intimacy and shared experiences is not a solid foundation to build your future as a couple.

He is emotionally unstable

You find yourself in this never-ending emotional turmoil as his mood is constantly fluctuating. One day he might be nice and affectionate (and that’s when you start thinking maybe your relationship is not that bad all in all) and the next day he is unhappy about the whole world. It might not necessarily be related to you, but his pessimism and bitterness unavoidably rub on you.

He likes to be in the center of attention and he expects you to support him when he is feeling down. However, when you have a bad day, instead of empathizing with you he gets frustrated himself and starts pointing out to you your weaknesses. Instead of giving you a hug and trying to make you feel better, all that you hear are his sarcastic remarks “You are such a cry baby” or “Come on, get your sh*t together”.  That’s totally not what you want to hear.

The worst part is that his mood swings are totally unpredictable. Anything can throw him out of balance and cause his fury: a bus that came 5 minutes late, a restaurant that was closed when you arrived or coffee that was served too hot.

Sometimes he even blames you for his own life choices or the consequences of them such as gaining some weight. When you subtly hint at him that you always suggest ordering a salad instead of fries in the restaurant, it infuriates him beyond words and he concludes that you should stop going to the restaurants altogether.

He controls your life

Even though his life seems far from perfect, he feels he has a right to say what you should or shouldn’t do with yours. While he’s been watching Youtube at work all day every day and that is the reason why he hasn’t advanced in his career, he nags you that you are wasting your potential with your corporate job, meanwhile, you’ve been promoted to a senior position recently. He is opinionated and he has high standards for everything apart from those of his own life.

When you have some ideas about the activities to engage in, be it a new business opportunity or a hobby, he is always skeptical and does not support you. He sees the negative side of things and he doesn’t believe you can succeed. The doubt creeps into your head and you get discouraged of pursuing your dreams and ambitions.

You feel like a puppet in his hands and every time you try to resist him pulling your strings, he still finds a way to do it. He might even make you believe that you are not worthy without him and he defines the whole purpose of your life. He criticizes you for the choice of your food, clothes or friends as well as for your suggestions or opinions on certain things. Your confidence slowly vanishes until it totally disappears.

No wonder you long for the days when you felt strong and independent, but the false sense of security while being with him holds you back from making a decision to cut off the ties. Loneliness is what scares you the most and the current connection seems like the only tangible thing that you have.

Don’t let yourself be lulled into inaction. Take a step aside to reflect it all. Book a weekend getaway with your best friend. Make a list of things you always wanted to do that you sacrificed for the current relationship. Create a vision board of your dream life. Is this relationship – a part of it? If the answer is no, take a leap. You deserve only the best things in life and you can have them.

The post You Deserve Better: 5 Signs It’s Time To Dump Him appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How to Help Your Autistic Child Handle Your Divorce

How to Help Your Autistic Child Handle Your Divorce

Engage your child better through arts and crafts. Remember that whatever you do, the process itself is more important than the end product of your playtime. It also helps in keeping your child distracted enough to deal with the effects of your divorce.

The post How to Help Your Autistic Child Handle Your Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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detachment

Detachment

For me, I think understanding how to detach from the narcissist is one of the most powerful steps in your recovery.

 

However, it takes looking at what attachment is, how it relates to love and where you may have been going wrong.

 

So firstly, what is attachment?

 

Attachment theory is a psychological model attempting to describe the dynamics of long-term and short-term interpersonal relationships between humans. In other words, it is how we relate to others.  Attachment styles are developed in childhood and are often dependant upon the parenting style of our parents.  If we had all our needs met (physical, emotional, spiritual) we would grow into secure adults who trust ourselves and others.  However, if our parents were inconsistent with meeting our needs or scary, we would grow up viewing others as unreliable and dangerous.

 

When we are insecure in our attachment we tend to seek validation from others.  We look to them to make us feel complete and loved.  And this is where love and attachment become confused.

 

This is a great video to explain the difference.

 

 

So in order to properly detach, we need to learn to love ourselves.  But when leaving a narcissistic relationship or when your parent was a narcissist this has to happen in many different ways.

 

Body

 

There may have been a discard or perhaps you chose to walk away yourself.  Either way, this is the first step to physical detachment.  You are no longer in the physical presence.  Whilst initially this will hurt and you may crave them, it is necessary in order to detach yourself.

 

The next step is making sure you go no contact.  This doesn’t just mean not talking to them.  It means not going on their social media, not checking emails, not driving past their house, not asking other for updates.  It’s like trying to give up chocolate and standing in front of Thornton’s window all day – torture!

 

If you have children together or are related and want some type of relationship with them, time to start practising grey rock.  Narcissists crave drama and want to know as much about you as possible in order to be able to find a chink to exploit you.  When you go grey rock you essentially become an interesting as a grey rock and share nothing of any value to them.  You restrict the flow of information and cut off their supply.  They won’t like it, they will fish and they will triangulate others so be aware of who you are talking to. You may need to go grey rock with many others as well.

 

Finally you can look at your own boundaries around this and other relationships.  We have covered boundaries in our blog before so I won’t go on about them now but distance can be a great way to see where you need to rebuild your boundary.

 

Mind

 

You will grieve.  It is a loss.  Even if you know it is for the best, you will still be grieving.  For the relationship you thought it was.  For the person you thought they were.  For the future you planned.  Don’t fight it.  It doesn’t mean  you regret it, it is your body essentially detoxing from the relationship and letting those emotions go.

 

Kubler-Ross developed a model of the typical grief process.

 

detachment

(image credit: www.slideshare.net/michaelcnagle/kubler-ross-grief-cycle)

 

A lot of people get stuck at anger for a long time after narcissistic abuse.  Whilst this is understandable, be mindful of the poison that anger is (see blog post).

 

You will find yourself being triggered a lot when you try to detach.  This is partly your brain replaying out patterns but also an emotional connection which is unhealthy.  It is also known as a trauma bond.  During the relationship our brain became hardwired to associate love and many other things with the narcissist.  It can be so confusing to victims because they know they don’t really want to be gaslighted, ridiculed, ignored and abused but they physically NEED the relationship.  The video above explains one element of this.  But you also are addicted.  Like a drug addict.  And each trigger replays the rush.  Only now you are more aware of the danger and so your brain struggles to reconcile your want to be close with your knowledge to run.  This is cognitive dissonance.  And it takes time to rewire your brain.  I strongly recommend you read Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes.

 

Soul

 

This is where many people struggle the most because they don’t address the soul connection and so they keep either reliving the pain of the attachment to the narcissist or they seek our similar relationships time and time again.

 

This is known as a Karmic Loop.

 

“The Karmic Loop Of Negative Energy Patterns – The karmic holographic loop is when our thoughts and vibration does not change, hence allowing us to remain in a place that is stuck and divided, on the lower side of duality; without ever stopping to question and think if it is right for us.”

(Source: readingsbypsychics.com/karmic-loop-negative-energy-patterns/)

 

These karmic loops span lifetimes and you have been replaying them time and time again in every incarnation.  This is to force you into healing the original wound.  You will not be consciously aware of this wound which is why so many people get limited results from counselling.  This is a spiritual attachment and therefore should be treated by those who understand the depth.

 

You also have cords attaching you to the narcissist.  A Cord of Attachment is an invisible energetic connection that allows for the exchange of emotional energy between the astral and etheric bodies of two or more beings.  Again this is not a cord you are aware of but it is why you keep getting drawn back.  There are many cord cutting meditation on YouTube you can try but again I would recommend working with someone who has the skill set to end these cycles once and for all.

 

 

If you are ready to Move Forward, book yourself in for a one:one session with myself.  Sessions are on offer at just £39 at the moment.

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How To Stop Playing the Narcissist’s Game – And Win

How To Stop Playing the Narcissist’s Game – And Win

 

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to make a narcissist accountable, responsible and behave like a decent human being.  We try everything to make life happy, peaceful and sane but nothing works.

We are looking to have a game of friendly croquet in a deadly hell zone with machine guns, rocket launchers and missiles – all designed to hit hard and render you powerless enough to be fully controlled and to hand over what the narcissist requires to feed their insatiable False Self.

Most of us, like my former self, have no idea WHAT the narcissist’s game is and why we will never win at it.

However, in today’s Thriver TV episode we are going to peel all this back to firmly understand the narcissist’s game as well as what our TRUE game is and how to make sure we WIN our rights, happiness, values and truth back.

 

 

Video Transcript

Is there anything more frustrating than having a narcissist beat you at every turn?

The more you try to make them see sense and decency, the less they do.

The more you try to hold them accountable, the more it’s your fault.

The more you try to stop them doing obscene things, the harder they do them.

Why don’t your efforts work?

Truthfully – it’s because you are playing the game the WRONG way! (Believe me, initially I had no idea either!)

Today, all of that changes because you are going to discover exactly what a narcissist wants and how to cut them off from it and create your life healthily and FINALLY win.

Not possible you may say!

I promise you it is not just possible, it’s inevitable, and today I’m going to show you how.

Okay, so before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Let’s get going…

 

The Narcissist’s and Our Respective Games

The narcissist’s game is simple – drama, attention, significance, dumping emotional agony onto others and belting them up for it.

Nothing pleasant really…

How did we get caught up in this game?

The answer is we combined our ‘game’ with their ‘game’.

This is OUR game – love, togetherness, peace, happiness and joy – these things are nothing like the narcissist’s game. In fact, in an interior landscape, which is firmly about ‘self’ and ‘how to be superior’ at all costs, these things don’t even figure to a narcissist. These are not desired results for their life and certainly they don’t fit into their pathological ego construct.

These things only diminish narcissists. It makes them ‘usual’ and ‘normal’ and incredibly vulnerable to the annihilation of the False Self into harmony and peace where they can no longer remain separate and significant.

So for starters, we are looking to have a game of friendly croquet in a deadly hell zone with machine guns, rocket launchers and missiles – all designed to hit hard and render you powerless enough to be fully controlled and to hand over what the narcissist requires to feed their insatiable False Self.

Here there is no lush green lawns; no sipping Pimm’s and enjoying club sandwiches.

And it doesn’t matter how much you try to make the narcissist settle into a healthy relationship, play nicely or care about you. It’s just not possible. This doesn’t supply what the narcissist wants and needs – the attention and drama to stop them sinking into being with and feeling their True Self wounds; the trauma of being defective and not good enough as themselves to get their needs met. Hence why the narcissist completely divorces his or her own self-assessed ‘pathetic, damaged’ True Self – which is how they really feel about themselves – and created a False Self in its place.

It also doesn’t matter how shot up, bleeding and writhing in agony you are whilst trying. The narcissist is not going to come and pick you up, love you and stop hurting you. He or she would rather throw you under the next oncoming tank.

You see, the narcissist has been projecting on to you those parts that the narcissist hates about themself, and unconsciously has been trying to kill off your Being in an attempt to annihilate their own disowned projected Self.

You are the enemy.

So, therefore, if we REALLY want love, togetherness, peace, happiness, and joy, WHY are we in this war zone experiencing horrific brutality and treatment when we know our life and everything in it that matters to us is being ripped to shreds?

It truly doesn’t make sense – well not logically anyway.

Let’s investigate deeper.

 

We Don’t Know Better

Logically we may believe or know there is better. We know that other people experience love, happiness and being treated well by others. So why are we still connected to someone who is NOT these things?

It may seem like we see glimpses of the lovely person – we think they have the capacity in some sense to do the right thing. They may have turned on the crocodile tears and granted us many promises, and other people may have even given us hope about them.

But I really want you to KNOW this is NOT why you are hanging in there.

The reason all of us have been or are stuck in war zones with narcissists is because our inner subconscious programs are still a match for pain and trauma.

We have believed our game is love, togetherness, peace, happiness and joy – and absolutely we want these things – but could we really handle them if they arrived?

According to Quantum Law, so within, so without, this is all very difficult for us to obtain when our subconscious programs regarding love and relationships are painful, conflicted and messy – resembling that of, well, quite frankly, a battlefield.

Let me explain to you what I mean with my own story.

Like many of us who have been narcissistically abused, love and relationships were often a minefield for me. I went through painful, addictive, adulterous relationships – where I chose partners based on ‘attraction’, who weren’t healthy relationship material.

After doing a lot of personal development, I ‘grew up’ enough to be much more sensible in choosing love partners. But then I chose people who had been ‘bad’ in their past, yet professed to ‘now’ be evolved, spiritual and ‘changed’.

I believed them. After all hadn’t I been less than sterling in my ‘lost’ years?

Anyway, the drama came up, as did the pain, the highs and lows and, of course, so within, so without, the two greatest narcissistic relationships came into my life when I professed black and blue that I wanted peace, love and harmony in my relationships.

However, when I started doing the inner work, I discovered these following things that HAD been keeping me in the narcissist’s hell game.

I found normal, non-edgy people boring, just as I had grave trouble just ‘being’ with myself in a state of peace, low-ebb and tranquillity. In fact, my levels of still-existing ‘crisis-consciousness’ had made me so obsessive-compulsive and highly anxious that I literally believed if I ‘stopped’, ‘rested’ or ‘wasn’t doing something’ that my whole world would cave in.

How this state of being manifested consciously in my life was ‘always needing to be busy and industrious’ and ‘not having time to nurture and be kind to myself’. I know many of you relate.

The warzone of narcissistic abuse fulfils crisis consciousness perfectly. It grants us a JOB of being busy in damage control, ALWAYS! It wasn’t until I went deeply inside with NARP Modules to find and release the traumas generating these anxious states of myself that I was able to just ‘be’.

Phew, I am now so much more able to play croquet!

Okay, then there was the matter of ‘significance’, which is one of the dire rules of engagement in the battlefield with a narcissist.

Before healing my deep inner programs, I never felt good enough or truly loved and appreciated. All my life I had wanted to be recognised just for being me, and I felt so insignificant and hurt again and again with all of the narcissist’s accusations and condemnations that I would fight for recognition.

Narcissistic abuse supplied that battle abundantly for me – it fulfilled the self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘not being good enough to be valued and loved’ that I was already immersed in.

Once all my old wounds that had existed way before narcissistic abuse were healed within me, I was able to unconditionally love and accept my own value and worth. Before, however, there was no known way that I could have played croquet – the compliments and recognition there were too foreign, and therefore unacceptable, to me.

Additionally, there was the narcissist’s anger and malicious missiles hitting their targets and blowing me apart. Little did I know, until later, that my old traumas being triggered into fully blown activation with these attacks granted me the permission to retaliate – to dump my devastation and rage somewhere. So much so, that there were times when I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise who looked back at me – I seriously doubted my own sanity and humanity.

It wasn’t until I was able to release the trauma of cruelty and abuse from my Inner Being, and all my panic, desperation and anger that was generated from these wounds, that I had zero desire to be participating in the war zone.

After healing me on all these issues, as well as many others, I realised that when we get better, we do better.

I left the battlefield and croquet became very enticing.

Playing the Right Game

The narcissist’s game is not our game. We don’t win at love, happiness and joy in war zones. We can’t, don’t and won’t beat narcissists on battlefields.

We beat narcissists and win at our Life by exiting the game and walking onto our green lawn no matter WHAT the narcissist does to try to pull us back into the mayhem.

How are we going to accept the lush healthiness of love, peace, harmony and happiness?

By changing and healing our inner terrain to healthy programs – which is what happens automatically when we target, find and release the trauma that has been subconsciously conscripting us to war.

Is that what you want? To get free of this rubbish?

If you are with me, write ‘I’m walking away to play croquet NOW!’ below.

Okay … so now that you have done that, I promise you this is not just a logical choice. It’s got to be so much more than that. It must be an inner powerful shift and I’m going to show you how to achieve it.

If this video woke you up and you know your True Life awaits you, join me on this side, where you will Thrive, by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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help your kid deal with your divorce

8 Things You Can Say To Help Your Kid Deal With Your Divorce

help your kid deal with your divorce

 

Breaking up is hard to do. And, when there are children involved it can be harder still. The break up of a family can be traumatic and, studies show, that it is something that greatly affects children. But this distress can be minimized as we now know that it is not the separation itself that does the damage, but the way in which it is done.

If you can remain calm, keep any conflict away from the children and talk to them honestly about what is happening it can really go a long way in helping them cope with divorce.

Divorce can be devastating but how you handle it with your children can go a long way to buffering the impact. Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, the principal investigator of a major study assessing kids of divorce  (California Children of Divorce Study), emphasizes the importance of this, saying:

‘It matters very much what happens in the post-divorce family’

Here are 8 things you should say to help your kid deal with divorce

1. It wasn’t your fault

Children often mistakenly believe that the fact that Mummy and Daddy are breaking up is something to do with them. Perhaps they were too naughty or said something wrong. It’s important to reassure your children that it is not their fault and nothing to do with anything they have done.

2. We both still love you very much

Hand-in-hand with the common misconception that they are to blame for the divorce, children worry that the reason a parent is leaving means they don’t love them enough to stay. It’s vital to stress that you both love your children just as much as you have ever done. And that’s not going to change.

3. We’re all going to be OK

Children can react in very different ways on hearing about their parent’s separation and this varies according to their age. Some children show a lot of distress and ask lots of questions right away, others hardly seem to react at first and it is only later that they show any distress or anxiety. It’s important that they know that everyone will be OK. That you’re fine and you will help them adjust too.

4. We’re still a family

Things will change but one thing that will remain is the fact that you are still a family and you will continue to be one. Let your kids know this.

Paula Hall, a Relate family therapist says :

The important message to get across is this: Mum and I might not be married anymore, but we’re still a family. We might live in different houses, and life might be different, but our family still exists, and although we aren’t married, we are still co-parenting you, and you still matter to us more than anything else.”

5. Here’s what the plan is

Change is unsettling for us all. It’s even scarier if you’re not in control of what is going to happen. That’s why it’s important to be very clear and explain to your children what will happen and outline the plans you have put in place.

Address some of the major concerns your child might have, such as when and how they will see each parent, where they will go to school and how they will still keep in touch with other family members.

Very young children might need constant reminders of when they will see Mummy or Daddy next. Visual clues can help. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, author of Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce , suggests using a colour coded calendar to help them keep track of their week:

“Like preschoolers, early school-age children also benefit from a calendar with different colors designating ‘Mom days’ and ‘Dad days.”

6. It’s OK to feel sad and angry

Sometimes it is easier to show your child through actions that it is OK for them to not feel OK about the changes happening. Be patient and loving if they express anger, sadness or anxiety and make sure you give them lots of extra love and cuddles. Be aware of their behaviour and be available to listen to them if they need to ask any questions or talk about how they are feeling.

7. How do you feel about?

It can be hard for children to talk about how they are feeling. Especially if they worry that if they admit what they are really feeling it might upset Mum or Dad. So check in often with your child and ask them how they are feeling. Let them know that it’s OK to talk about anything to do with the separation. Including how they feel about going to Daddy’s house, if they feel sad when they miss Daddy or Mummy and if they have any worries.

8. Is there anything we can do to help make it better?

You can’t wave a magic wand and your children need to know that you won’t be getting back together but there are many things you can do to make the transition to your new lives easier. Ask your child what you can do to help. If they are struggling with staying over at either house maybe taking a photo of Mummy or Daddy to put on their bedside would help. If they are worried about the dark at a new house, maybe going out to buy a nightlight would help.

If they are just feeling a bit down maybe an impromptu day out to play on the beach and eat ice cream would go some way to cheering them up. Keep brainstorming ways you can help your children through the changes in little ways that can make a big difference.

Separation and divorce are never easy. But the way you deal with it when it comes to your kids can make a significant difference. If you can put your own feelings to one side and find a way to process them away from your children and present a united front when it comes to making sure your children are supported every step along the way, then it really does pay off.

There’s no getting away from how devastating a divorce can be but how you handle it in front of your children can make a huge difference. It takes compassion, communication, and kindness. If you can get those three things in place then you’re well on your way to smoothing the path to make sure your children survive it intact.

The post 8 Things You Can Say To Help Your Kid Deal With Your Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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If You Divorce Now, Will You Regret Your Divorce Later?

If You Divorce Now, Will You Regret Your Divorce Later?

Do not be a casualty of divorce regret. Ask yourself these key questions before you call it quits and divorce with confidence.

The post If You Divorce Now, Will You Regret Your Divorce Later? appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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