Control

Narcissists use control to keep others close to them. It often stems from a fear of abandonment. They believe that everyone, given the choice, will leave them. And so they create an environment where they are initially adored, then feared. This dichotomy creates what is known as a trauma bond. The victim is drawn in, like a drug addict, by the amazing feelings the narcissist gives them of love and adoration. When the drug (love) is withdrawn, the victim seeks to chase the next high. This can lead to them doing anything and everything to get the love back. Including handing over all control of their lives to the narcissist.

Body

Current thinking in neuroscience and attachment theory tells us that in a dangerous situation, we are hard-wired to preserve our attachment relationships above all else. After a person has attempted fight, flight and freeze, they will often surrender as a final defence mechanism.

This involves appearing compliant, as though they are making autonomous choices to behave in the way the abuser has asked them to, when in reality they are utterly subservient to the abuser’s will. When the victim survives the attack with their attachment to the abuser still intact, their brain records it as a success and automatically behaves in the same way again next time.

Mind

Being compliant and abused leads the victim to feel worthless and often guilty and ashamed for allowing this to go on. This is further exacerbated by society who say “well why don’t you leave them?” Guilt and shame further erode the self confidence of the victim and leave them feeling unworthy of love. As love is a basic human need, victims often feel like they are better off staying and chasing the high with the narcissist, than leaving and being on their own. Knowing that in order to keep the relationship they must behave in certain ways and be completely subservient, they further surrender. They essentially hand over everything to the narcissist. Financial control. Parenting. What they wear. And how they think. Including how they think about themselves. They become co-dependent.

Soul

This surrender is the ultimate separation from your soul. Your true self is a constant resource of love, knowledge, wisdom and joy. When you become co-dependent you cut yourself off. You look outside of yourself for external validation. You don’t trust yourself any more and second guess every decision. But your true self knows exactly who you are and what you truly want.

You literally do sell your soul to the devil.

If you are ready to take back control of your life, book your 241 Moving Forward session now for just £39!

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triangulation

Boundaries

Everyone bangs on about boundaries being essential but in truth, do we actually know what they are?

 

In child development, boundaries are about the safety net parents put around their child(ren) to protect them from harm and to help them develop within an environment where there is sufficient risk to promote growth whilst knowing there is a crash mat under them if/when they fall.

 

But how the fuck does this relate to our adult relationships?

 

Body

 

One of our first lines of defence against harm, is protecting our body and environment.

 

This can include:

  • Respecting our personal space
  • What sexual acts we are comfortable with
  • How often we have contact with another person
  • How we communicate with people
  • Touch (where, when, how)

 

This can often be the first boundary a narcissist will break as a test to see what they can get away with.  It might be texting or calling you in the middle of the night.  It could be a gentle push/slap.  It may even be mentioning a risky sexual act.  It could be a “favour” which is bordering on illegal.  They may also use someone else to go around your boundary.

 

triangulation

 

Mind

 

The narcissist is a master at by-passing your emotional boundaries.  They use subtle language clues, gaslighting, projection, baiting, idealization, lovebombing and devaluation/discard.  They are all designed to confuse and disorientate you so they can gain control of you. They are so subtle that you won’t even know what it is happening and before you know it, you are hooked.

 

1. You’re often emotionally exhausted after speaking to certain people
2. You don’t know how to say ‘no’
3. You are being abused
4. You give a lot, but don’t receive back
5. You seek approval from others
6. You have no privacy

 

Soul

 

Once the narcissist has ridden-rough shod over your physical and emotional boundaries, they own your soul.  You are no longer your true self and have often become a stranger to yourself.

 

Your soul is pure love, joy and abundance.  But the “post-narcolyptic” you is sad, miserable, bitter, untrusting and hateful.  Carl Jung describes this as the divided self.  In psychotherapy it is called incongruence.  This separation from your soul or source or God (whatever term you wish to use) can cause physical pain and create karmic loops which are repeated until you break the cycle.

 

soul abuse

 

If you are ready to learn how to set some solid boundaries to protect yourself now, in the future and on every lifeline, book your 241 session now for just £39.

 

 

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