divorced dad

Why Don’t Divorced Dads Turn To Each Other For Support Like Divorced Moms Do?

divorced dad

 

My Facebook feed is filled with divorced or almost divorced women turning to each other for support and there is one thing you won’t find on there:

Men.

Single dads and divorced dads are not gathering in tribes on social media boards or in person to chat about their plight and experience with divorce even if they want to.

Why not?

Why Divorced Dads Don’t Turn to Each Other for Support

A study published in 2000 in the Psychological Review, showed that stressed women “tend and befriend” while men go for the “fight or flight” option. Researchers suggest that this is due to the fact that when stressed, men’s brains omit less oxytocin, that feel-good love hormone than women. And according to statistics produced by the American Psychological association in 2011, women (70%) are more apt to do something to reduce their stress than men (50%) are.

No matter which way we slice it, research shows that men tend to go the solo route when it comes to working through stress while women look for company along the way.

Men don’t want to raise their hands and say, “Hey everyone, my life sucks,” or “I miss my ex-wife,” or “It’s really hard raising kids in a single-parent home.”

Doing that would mean admitting pain and hardship, something that isn’t considered a masculine trait and let’s face it, while women have been the oppressed gender from the start, men also suffer from unfair stereotypes and expectations. Men aren’t oppressed, they are REPRESSED emotionally!

It’s not OK for a man to cry.

Be a man, suck it up.

You’ve heard those phrases tossed around and so have I.

We tell men to be brave and strong and to keep a straight face. This doesn’t leave a lot of room for grief and sadness.

So it isn’t surprising then that single dads and divorced men are not looking for a support group, but to me, this limits divorced men and single dads from moving past divorce in a healthy way.

If men could form groups or did form groups, it could help them grieve divorce and learn new parenting strategies from other dads. If a man did reach out to another man to say, “Hey, how did you find a good custody schedule,” or “Is mediation the better route?” it would be beneficial for that divorcing dad.

Going solo on such a huge adventure like becoming a divorced, single dad seems risky, from my female-wired brain. It could also be the reason men seem to jump into new relationships, faster.

A new partner might just be the divorced man’s support group, but that is problematic too. Someone you’re romantically interested in shouldn’t be a springboard for grief and renewal.

So for all the divorced dads out there, why not see befriending or growing your support network of other divorced and single dads in a different light, rather than seeing it as a “b*tch fest” or gathering like a group of old ladies?

See reaching out for support as a:

  • Chance to network: Maybe your new friends will have good business contacts or even better, cute single female friends.
  • Chance to mentor: If you’re a single dad mentoring a man who’s going through the divorce process, you can be a father figure to someone going through the experience—an adoptive son or little brother, as it were.
  • Chance to learn from others: Use your man brain and be logical: someone who has been there or done that will know certain pitfalls to avoid as you go through the divorce process that you wouldn’t have known without asking someone in the “know.”

To all the divorced dads or “going through a divorce” dads, why not do things a little differently in your life this time around? Making contacts and building a support network isn’t just for women. It’s for smart people who want to make a huge life adjustment a bit easier or in other words, it’s for you!

The post Why Don’t Divorced Dads Turn To Each Other For Support Like Divorced Moms Do? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Take the High Road for Thanksgiving After Divorce

Take the High Road for Thanksgiving After Divorce

For children caught in the crossfire of custody disputes, holidays can become a nightmare, not a time of joy. Parents owe it to their children to do the right thing. It starts with recognizing the importance of holidays in children’s lives.

The post Take the High Road for Thanksgiving After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Divorce Based on Abandonment in Texas

Originally published by Family and Criminal Law Blog.

Why might I choose to file for divorce based on a fault ground?

Forty years ago, the first no-fault divorce was granted in California. Prior to this time, couples seeking a divorce were required to list a valid ground for divorce, which often included adultery, abandonment, and cruelty. If one of these grounds did not exist in the marriage, but the spouses nonetheless wanted a divorce, they were forced to fabricate a grounds for divorce. Recognizing a need for more honest and efficient divorces, California, and soon after every state in the union except for New York, adopted a version of no-fault divorce.

Most couples in Texas looking to file for divorce today will file for a no-fault divorce, in which the parties will list that the marriage cannot continue because the spouses can no longer get along in the marriage and there is no chance of reconciliation. However, per Texas law, several fault grounds for divorce continue to exist. At times, it can be advantageous or even necessary for a spouse to seek a divorce based upon one of these fault grounds. Below, our Midland, Texas divorce lawyers discuss divorce based on abandonment in the state.

Abandonment Can Influence a Custody Award and Division of Assets

Abandonment occurs when one spouse deserts the other spouse with the intention to end the marriage. Proving abandonment by your spouse can influence the court’s decisions when it comes to custody of your minor children. To successfully demonstrate abandonment, you will need to show that your spouse has been absent for one year or more. Further, filing for divorce based on abandonment might become essential if you cannot reach your spouse.

Family courts in Texas take the position that generally it is in a child’s best interests to have a relationship with both parents. However, where one spouse has abandoned the family, this will negate that presumption. A judge weighing the custodial rights of a spouse who left his or her family is less likely to award joint custody and will likely allow for just limited visitation.

Further, a judge may take your spouse’s abandonment into account when determining how your marital assets will be divided. Texas is a community property state and marital assets will be divided in accordance with what is just and right. While this typically means equally, where one spouse abandoned the family, a judge may be included to issue the other spouse a disproportionate share of the assets. Your divorce lawyer will review the circumstances surrounding your spouse’s abandonment to determine your best bet in filing for divorce from your spouse. Armed with full knowledge of your individual situation, your attorney can develop a divorce strategy that will benefit you and your family.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



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Psychologist Can’t Be One Sided Expert

CHILD CUSTODY – EVIDENCE – PSYCHOLOGICAL EXAM

Kelly v. Kelly
No. 46748
(Idaho Supreme Court, September 10, 2019)
The magistrate court abused its discretion by permitting husband to retain psychologist to perform a parenting time evaluation as his expert, in divorce proceeding when child custody was a contested issue; parenting time evaluators can be selected only by stipulation of the parties or by appointment of the court, in either case, the chosen expert must be neutral, and not beholden to either side, and psychologist was ultimately paid over $105,000 to conduct the parenting time evaluation on behalf of husband. Further, the magistrate court abused its discretion when it ordered wife to undergo a psychological evaluation and counseling, as recommended by psychologist, husband’s expert, during child custody portion of divorce trial; a judge had no authority to order medical or psychological treatment in a child custody case unless there was direct testimony that such treatment would be in the best interest of the child, and there was no language indicating a psychological evaluation was in the best interests of child

taking control of your divorce

Taking Control Of Your Divorce: Shouldn’t You Be In The Driver’s Seat?

taking control of your divorce

 

“He left with no notice. I had no idea he even wanted a divorce but I will be fine. I’ve hired a divorce attorney, one with vast experience in family law and I know he will take care of me and my legal rights.”

I recently heard these words from a therapy client I’m working with. She has an attorney and, in her mind, she will be “fine.” It’s a thought process shared by many going through the divorce process. It is also the first mistake most couples going through a divorce make.

Giving over control of their welfare to someone who isn’t an expert in them and their needs.

Divorce attorneys are experts in family law. They are not experts in finance, real estate, taxes, insurance, disabilities and any other issue that may be particular to your case. They are not experts trained in how to handle the personal needs of every divorcing client they contract with.

Every divorce has its own particular issues and if you, the client isn’t in the driver’s seat your future may wind up in the ditch.

In your everyday life, how often do you give over control of how your day goes to someone else? You don’t do it in everyday life, and you shouldn’t do it during divorce. To do so will mean negative consequences for you, your spouse and your children.

The LAST thing you want is a divorce attorney and Family Court judge deciding how you will live your life once the ink dries on the divorce decree.

Taking Control Of Your Divorce

Why People Give Up Control:

It’s a story I hear often. Someone has been left due to infidelity or, one or the other spouse drop the divorce bomb unexpectedly. People become angry, afraid and out to exact revenge and lose the ability to act in their own best interest.

They hire a divorce attorney; one they believe will be sympathetic to what they are experiencing and they wait for their “day in court.” In other words, most people give up control to an attorney because they are under the assumption that fairness wins out in Family Court.

If a divorce case goes to court a judge will make decisions on legally relevant facts of the case and not on what is important to you, the litigant, or what you think is right and wrong.

How To Stay In The Driver’s Seat:

1. Hire an attorney to advise you on the legal aspect of your case. Negotiate with your spouse on personal and financial issues that will affect you both post-divorce. As adults, you can drive the process and together decide what direction you go in with issues such as splitting marital assets, child custody and visitation and spousal support. It is possible to negotiate a fair divorce settlement without interference from your attorney or a Family Court judge.

2. If your attorney advises you on an issue you don’t have to take their advice. If your attorney suggests you accept a settlement offer that you don’t believe is in your best interest you have the right to explore other options. It isn’t uncommon for divorce attorneys to make mistakes or, encourage a client to accept a settlement that is not fair in an attempt to get the case off their desk. A divorce attorney is someone you consult with, they are not someone you have to allow to make decisions for you.

3. Seek outside help if you feel your attorney is in over their head. For example, if you and your spouse own a business you may want to hire a forensic accountant to advise you on how that marital asset should be split. There are many issues during divorce that may require input from an outside resource. Don’t be afraid to seek help if you aren’t sure and don’t be intimidated by an attorney who tries to limit your attempts to protect yourself.

4. Check your emotions! If you allow anger or hurt feelings to guide how you react to divorce you won’t make productive decisions. In other words, emotionally charged people rarely stay in the driver’s seat during divorce.

Take the high road, don’t allow your emotions to cause you to do anything that will one day reflect negatively upon you or have detrimental effects on your financial future.

The post Taking Control Of Your Divorce: Shouldn’t You Be In The Driver’s Seat? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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struggles of co-parenting

Do The Struggles Of Co-Parenting Ever End?

struggles of co-parenting

 

As a therapist and writer specializing in divorce, I’m often asked, “When does co-parenting get easier?” While there is no simple answer to this question, most experts probably agree that while families usually adapt to co-parenting over time, it never really gets easier. Most co-parenting arrangements, especially after an acrimonious split, can be exhausting and exasperating.

Put simply, the challenges change as children grow and develop. Consequently, it’s key for parents to keep in mind that the tools necessary to succeed need to be modified considerably as children age and mature.

Do The Struggles Of Co-Parenting Ever End?

Clearly, research by child development experts demonstrates numerous benefits to children when their living arrangements enable support from both parents. One reason is that parents who co-parent tend to experience lower conflict than those who have sole custody arrangements.

Studies show that conflict is what creates the most pain and anguish for children after parents’ split and that keeping parental disagreements to a minimum is a key aspect of helping kids become resilient.

Co-parenting, at its best, is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents – to feel it is okay to love both of their parents.  Dr. Joan Kelly, a renowned psychologist reminds us that the outcomes for children of divorce improve when they have positive bonds with both parents. These include better psychological and behavioral adjustment and enhanced academic performance.

However, few authors mention that while co-parenting is the best decision for children, it takes two special parents to navigate this arrangement over time. Interacting with each other at drop-offs, making shared decisions, or even speaking to an ex who you’d rather forget can be a challenge.

In order to succeed at co-parenting, it’s wise to be realistic about the difficulties that may arise as your kids go through childhood and adolescence. For instance, it might be hard to differentiate between the impact of your divorce and normal adolescent rebellion.

For instance, my two children spent close to equal time with both myself and their father until they reached adolescence when they both protested their schedule.  When my daughter was thirteen, after her father’s remarriage, she chooses to spend most overnights at my home, while her brother started spending more overnights at his father’s house because it was located near most of his friend’s homes.

Fortunately, my ex and I agreed that it was in their best interests to revise their schedule. As a result, our kids thrived as they felt their needs were being respected.

There are numerous benefits of co-parenting for kids:

Children will:

  1. Feel a sense of security. Children who maintain a close bond with both parents and are more likely to have higher self-esteem.
  2. Have better psychological adjustment into adulthood. My research shows that adults raised in divorced families report higher self-esteem and fewer trust issues if they had close to equal time with both parents.
  3. Grow up with a healthier template for seeing their parents cooperate. By cooperating with their other parent, you establish a life pattern that they can carry into their future.
  4. Have better problem-solving skills. Children and adolescents who witness their parents cooperate are more likely to learn how to effectively resolve problems themselves.

The key to successful co-parenting is to keep the focus on your children – and to maintain a cordial relationship with your ex-spouse. Most importantly, you want your children see that their parents are working together for their well-being. Never use them as messengers because when you ask them to tell their other parent something for you, it can make them feel stuck in the middle. It’s best to communicate directly with your ex and lessen the chances your children will experience loyalty conflicts.

The following are suggestions based on my own experience and advice from experts. First of all, it’s paramount that you gear your parenting plan to the age of your children and that it is consistent. Try to develop routines for them leaving and coming home when they are young. As they reach adolescence, they strive to be more flexible and adapt to their changing needs.

Tips to help kids live happily in two homes:

For children under age 10:

  1. Reassure them that they have two parents who love them. If they balk at going to their other parent’s home, you can say something like “Even though mom and dad aren’t married anymore we both still love you and are good parents.”
  2. Maintain a cordial, business-like relationship with your ex so that your children won’t feel intensely divided loyalties. It’s important not to express anger at your ex in front of your children so they don’t feel stuck in the middle
  3. Help your kids anticipate changes in their schedule. Planning ahead and helping them pack important possessions can benefit them. However, keep items to a bare minimum. Most parents prefer to have duplicate items for their kids on hand.
  4. Encourage your younger child to adhere to their parenting time schedule – being consistent with their schedule will help your kids feel secure. Younger children often benefit from avoiding frequent shifts between homes.
  5. Show enthusiasm about their visit with their other parent. It’s important to put your differences with your ex aside and to promote your children’s positive bond with them.

For children over age 10 – to young adulthood:

  1. Allow for flexibility in their schedule. At times, teens may have difficulty juggling their busy life with school, extracurricular activities, friends, and jobs if they start working.
  2. Encourage them to spend time with their friends and extended family (on both sides). Avoid giving them the impression that being with their friends is not as important as spending time with you.
  3. Plan activities with them that might include their friends at times – such as sporting events or movies. Encourage opportunities for them to bond with peers at both homes.
  4. Respect your teen’s need for autonomy and relatednessDr. Emery writes, “Teenagers naturally want more freedom, but they also want and need relationships with their parents, through your adolescent may be unwilling to admit this.”

Keep in mind that communicating with your former spouse is going to be necessary for the length of your children’s childhood into young adulthood. This may include special events, graduations – and perhaps even weddings.  It’s important to keep clear boundaries so that your children wouldn’t harbor fantasies that you will reconcile.

For the most part, this means less personal sharing and focusing on exchanging information, cooperation, and make good decisions about your children.

Finally, modeling cooperation and polite behavior set a positive tone for co-parenting. When children are confident of the love of both of their parents, they will adjust more easily to divorce. Keeping your differences with your ex away from your children will open up opportunities to move beyond divorce in the years to come. Ask yourself this question: how do you want your children to remember you and their childhood when they are adults?

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com

More From Terry

Fathers and Daughters: An essential bond After Divorce

Building Resiliency In Children After Divorce

The post Do The Struggles Of Co-Parenting Ever End? appeared first on Divorced Moms.



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Texas Appeals Court Upholds Permanent Injunction Prohibiting Contact Between Father’s Girlfriend and Child

Texas Appeals Court Upholds Permanent Injunction Prohibiting Contact Between Father’s Girlfriend and Child

Originally published by Francesca Blackard.

By

Generally, a permanent injunction is difficult to obtain and requires proof that certain requirements are met.  In Texas child custody cases, however, a court may be able to issue a permanent injunction, even if those requirements have not been met, if it finds that the injunction is in the child’s best interest.  In a recent case, a father appealed an injunction prohibiting him from allowing contact between his girlfriend and his child.

The parents had agreed to temporary orders prohibiting any unrelated adult in a romantic relationship with one of the parents from spending the night in a home with the child.  The temporary order also stated that the father’s girlfriend would not be around the child while the father had possession.

Following a mediated settlement agreement addressing all other issues, the trial court held a hearing to address this issue. The trial court granted an “injunction” prohibiting contact between the father’s girlfriend and the child without hearing evidence.  The mother’s attorney stated they had been unable to serve the father’s girlfriend with notice of the hearing.  The court indicated it was entering a “permanent morality clause” based on the girlfriend not testifying. The father’s attorney argued there was no evidence to support a permanent injunction.  The court stated it was a “moral clause,” not an injunction, but then heard evidence from the mother, the mother’s other daughter, and the process server.

 

The process server testified regarding his attempts to serve the girlfriend.

The mother’s 15-year-old daughter testified the father’s girlfriend had contacted her on Instagram and made negative comments about her mother.  The court allowed screenshots of the Instagram communications into evidence over the father’s objection that they were hearsay and had not been authenticated.

The mother testified the girlfriend had contacted her about her affair with the father.  She alleged the girlfriend had posted nude photos of herself online and had made social media posts about marijuana and alcohol.  She also testified the girlfriend and child got along well and she had no evidence that the girlfriend had ever harmed the child.

The father moved for rehearing after the court granted the “morality clause.” After the hearing, the trial court entered both a morality clause and an injunction.  The morality clause provided that no unrelated person of the opposite sex in an intimate relationship with a parent could spend the night when the child was in that parent’s care.  The permanent injunction enjoined the father from allowing the child to have any contact with his girlfriend.

The father appealed, arguing the injunction was not supported by proper evidence.  He argued the trial court should have excluded the daughter’s testimony because she was not disclosed as a witness.  Evidence that is not properly disclosed can generally not be admitted just to satisfy the interest of justice, but may be admitted if there is a good cause.  The mother argued that the Instagram messages were sent during the week before the hearing, and this timing constituted good cause not to supplement the discovery responses before the hearing.  The father argued he was unfairly surprised and prejudiced.  Some Texas appeals courts have held a trial court should admit testimony despite unfair surprise or lack of good cause for a delay in disclosure if admission of the evidence is in the best interest of the child.  Based on this standard, the appeals court found no abuse of discretion in the admission of the daughter’s testimony.

The appeals court also rejected the father’s argument that the Instagram messages should have been excluded as hearsay.  A statement is only hearsay if it is offered to prove the truth of the matter asserted.  The messages were not presented to prove the truth of the matter asserted.  The mother presented the negative statements about her not to prove they were true, but to show the communications had been made.  The communications were therefore not hearsay.

The father also argued there was not sufficient evidence to support a permanent injunction.  Generally, to get a permanent injunction, a party must show there is a wrongful act, imminent harm, irreparable injury, and no adequate remedy at law.  In child custody cases, however, a court may grant a permanent injunction that is in the best interest of the child even if all of these elements are not met.  The appeals court found no abuse of discretion in the trial court’s granting of the permanent injunction upon finding it was in the child’s best interest.

The father also argued that there was insufficient evidence to support the injunction.  The appeals court noted that sufficiency of the evidence was not an independent ground to overturn the injunction.  It is instead a factor in determining whether the trial court abused its discretion.

The mother’s daughter testified the father’s girlfriend made negative comments about the mother and the screenshots she provided reflected the nature of those messages.  The trial court could have found the child was at risk of being exposed to similar comments as those directed at her 15-year-old half-sister.  The mother had also testified she had spoken to the father about the girlfriend’s drug-related posts, and he indicated he was aware of her drug use.  The trial court could have found the girlfriend had used illegal drugs, that the father was aware of it, and that he was not opposed to the drug use.  The trial court also could have found the girlfriend presented a risk of promoting parental alienation.  The trial court could therefore have found that it was not in the child’s best interest to allow contact with the girlfriend.  The appeals court found no abuse of discretion in the issuance of the permanent injunction and affirmed the judgment.

If you are involved in a child custody matter, a skilled Texas custody attorney can help pursue any necessary court orders.  Set up an appointment with McClure Law Group by calling 214.692.8200.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



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aggressive parenting

Is Your Ex An “Aggressive Parent?” Here Are 9 Signs

aggressive parenting

 

According to Alan Kemp in his book Abuse in the Family, domestic violence is defined as “A form of maltreatment perpetrated by a person with whom the victim has or had a close personal relationship.” (Kemp, P.36)

Furthermore, the clinical and textbook definitions and categories of child psychological maltreatment found in Table 3-1 of Alan Kemp’s book, Abuse in the Family, on pages 72-77, can easily be applied to show it as a horrific form of domestic violence via psychological maltreatment.

This book is just one of many textbooks used to teach students and professionals about psychological maltreatment and the categories that make it up. Whether one believes in the term parental alienation or not, the following criteria help to show that certain behavior perpetrated by a parent can cause a child to withdraw their love from the other parent.  For the sake of this article, we will term this abuse as aggressive parenting.

9 Signs of Aggressive Parenting:

  • Rejecting (spurning)
  • Terrorizing
  • Corrupting
  • Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability
  • Unreliable and inconsistent parenting
  • Mental health, medical, or educational neglect
  • Degrading/devaluing (spurning)
  • Isolating
  • Exploiting

An Explanation of the 9 Signs

By deliberately isolating the child from other family members and social supports, isolation is occurring.  The whole premise of aggressive parenting is to isolate and distance the children from the targeted parent or any other individual who supports the targeted parent.

If the aggressive parent uses threats or denigrating tactics, to force the child to comply, this can be seen as terrorizing.  As well, verbal denigration, harassment and exploitation of the targeted parent is very prominent and a key indicator of aggressive parenting.

In addition, domestic violence includes the exploitation and use of the child for personal gain.

Thus in aggressive parenting, when the child is used to destroy the targeted parent by denying visitation or a relationship between the other parent and the child or is used for monetary gains such as excessive expenses beyond child support, they are in effect committing domestic violence.  It is for these reasons that aggressive parenting or isolating the children from the Targeted Parent can be considered as a form of domestic violence.

Rejecting/Terrorizing

Let’s take this a bit further in its application. When a parent rejects a child because the child shows any love or affection for the targeted parent that is a form of abuse. This is not only a form of rejection but terrorization. In fact, a child’s refusal to come to the targeted parent’s home for fear of losing the aggressive parent’s conditional love is fear and fear is terror.

Corrupting

When an aggressive parent refuses to comply with court orders and tells the child they do not have to either, this is corrupting. It is teaching the child that they are above the law and therefore immune to the court’s authority.  When a parent files false allegations of abuse and convinces the child to do the same, this is corruption.

When an aggressive parent tells the child lies about the targeted parent, and that anything having to do with the targeted parent is illegal, immoral and disgusting, this is corrupting.  In fact, this is a form of discrimination and prejudice, which corrupts the child’s minds.

Denying Essential Stimulation, Emotional Responsiveness, or Availability

By refusing to allow the children to have a relationship with the targeted parent, for no reason other than their own need to control the ex-spouse, the aggressive parent is denying them the basic elements of stimulation, emotions, and availability with the targeted parent. In fact, the targeted parent has little to no opportunity to defend themselves against false allegations.

Though they will have you believe that they or the children feared for their lives and that the targeted parent was abusive, this is usually unsubstantiated or proven by the courts to be a fabrication. With no basis for this denial, the aggressive parent refuses their child a warm and loving relationship with the targeted parent.

Unreliable and Inconsistent Parenting

Since the children have been denied a relationship with the targeted parent, they have also been denied a reliable and consistent parenting situation and the aggressive parent has proven that they cannot parent consistently and reliably in the supporting of a two-parent relationship with the children.

Mental, Medical and Educational Neglect

When an aggressive parent refuses to comply with numerous separate court orders for counseling, they are denying their children’s mental health. Thus mental neglect has occurred as defined in the DSM IV as Malingering.

Denigrating/Devaluing

If despite numerous court orders or requests and recommendations, the aggressive parent continues to insult, verbally abuse and denigrate the child’s targeted parent in front of the child, this behavior degrades and devalues someone the child once respected and loved and in most cases, secretly wants a relationship with.

This disdain and disrespect for the targeted parent in front of the child is another form of psychological maltreatment as it permanently affects their view of the targeted parent, which transfers to their view of themselves. This creates a distorted sense of reality, of themselves and their ability to trust and accurately judge others.

Isolation

When a parent deliberately sabotages a relationship with the targeted parent by refusing to allow visits, calls, or any form of healthy communication, with no evidence of abuse, this is called isolation. Furthermore, when a parent has initially allowed continuous contact with the children during the separation and divorce period, but reneges on this, refusing visitation, especially when they find out their ex-spouse has a new partner, this is isolation and abuse.

This is also called Remarriage as a Trigger for Parental Alienation Syndrome and can be further reviewed in an article by Dr. Richard Warshak, There is no doubt this is isolation and thus psychological abuse.

Exploitation

When a parent uses the children as pawns to get back at their ex spouse for not loving them anymore or to control them further, this is exploitation.  When an aggressive parent uses the children and makes false allegations of abuse, terrorizing the children to state they hate the targeted parent, this is exploitation.  When a parent uses the children for monetary gains such as child support, but yet does not allow the children a relationship with the targeted parent, this is exploitation.

In Conclusion

When you add all these signs up, it is easy to see how Aggressive Parenting, can be classified as child psychological maltreatment in a divorce situation.  When you put it all together, the DSM sums up the aggressive parent quite nicely under Cluster B Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder.

The aggressive parent willfully and without regard to the child or the targeted parent’s welfare, or the innocent extended family’s welfare, continually violates their rights and disregards their needs for a relationship. The aggressive parent callously puts their own desires, wants and needs above those of everyone else including their own child.

This all adds up to one thing, Domestic Violence in the form of psychological maltreatment.  So why does Child Protective Services refuses to protect the children from this form of abuse when the signs and symptoms are so clearly evident?

The post Is Your Ex An “Aggressive Parent?” Here Are 9 Signs appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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7 Strange Divorce Laws Still “On The Books”

7 Strange Divorce Laws Still “On The Books”

Originally published by Hendershot, Cannon and Hisey, P.C. Blog.

At Hendershot, Cannon & Hisey, P.C., many of our blogs shed light into the intricate inner workings of Texas divorce and family law – from property division and child custody to spousal support, taxes, and more.

While divorce is certainly a serious subject where being well-informed is of crucial importance, taking a moment to reflect on some of the more unusual aspects of this practice area can provide a different perspective on your own issues, as well as a few laughs or food for thought.

Few things offer such an opportunity than a look into the most unique and unusual divorce laws.

7 Unusual Divorce Laws

In the U.S. and other countries around the world, there remain a number of strange divorce laws that are still technically in effect.

Whether they’re inexplicably bizarre, reminders of times gone by that haven’t yet been changed, or newer laws that address issues not ordinarily associated with the divorce process, these obscure laws are enough to make anyone think twice about their own cases.

Here are some of the strangest divorce laws still on the books today:

  1. Divorce is still illegal in some countries – Laws prohibiting divorce are some of the most tangible reminders of its historical evolution. Even well into the 21st century, a number of countries across the world do not allow spouses to divorce. In the Philippines, for example, divorce is generally illegal with the exception of certain circumstances, such as those involving Filipino citizens who marry foreign nationals and divorce in their spouse’s country of residence (but even when two Filipino spouses divorce in another country, their divorce won’t be recognized under their own country’s laws). In the Philippines, as well as countries that have just recently implemented some form of legal divorce (like Chile), terminating a marriage often requires spouses to navigate complex and lengthy proceedings. This includes having to prove a reason for divorce, as well as requirements that spouses be separated for several years before any formal separation or annulment is granted.
  2. Married on a dare? – Although there may not be many spouses who chose to tie the knot on a dare, those in Delaware who regret doing just that have the right to file for an annulment under a strange provision of the Delaware Divorce and Annulment Act. Among other qualifying reasons for granting an annulment, Delaware courts will grant a decree of annulment when one or both parties entered into marriage as a “jest” or dare.
  3. Marrying the same person four times – Though not common, there are cases of spouses who get divorced only to reconcile and rekindle their relationships later on, sometimes to the point of getting married again. While that’s understandable and perhaps part of the mystery of love, spouses on that trend should be careful of one unique Kentucky law prohibiting multiple marriages to the same spouse. Under state law that could have only been passed in an attempt to help couples stop the madness, it’s illegal for folks in Kentucky to marry the same person four times. For most people, however, that’s probably not a concern.
  4. Strange grounds for divorce – Today, all states in the U.S. have adopted some form of no-fault divorce, though there are still fault-based divorces and justifications for citing a reason to divorce (such as domestic violence or other issues that would impact case outcomes). While grounds for a fault-based divorce usually make sense (i.e. adultery, abandonment, or a criminal conviction resulting in incarceration), some states still have more unusual statutory provisions for permitting divorce. These include divorce on the basis of mistreating a spouse’s mother-in-law (Wichita, Kansas), or a spouse going “insane” up to five years after a marriage (New York). In Tennessee, you can even cite “attempted murder” as a valid grounds for divorce thanks to a law that permits divorce when one spouse tries to kill the other in a malicious manner (one example of “malice” cited in the statute is by using poison). There are also laws in other countries which provide some unique grounds for divorce. In Samoa, women can legally divorce their husbands for forgetting their birthdays, and in Saudi Arabia, married men who fail to bring their wives fresh coffee each day could very well find themselves served with divorce papers.
  5. Divorce can be simple for some societies – While the divorce process can entail a range of emotional and financial concerns in many countries, it can actually be pretty simple for spouses elsewhere. In Eskimo societies, for example, spouses who live apart from one another for any period of time can formally end their marriages. In Australia, Aboriginal women with husbands who won’t file for divorce (since women cannot file) have the option of simply marrying another spouse. An elopement instantly ends the previous marriage.
  6. Pet Custody – Child custody proceedings are among the most important matters in divorce, but what about custody of pets? While deciding who keeps the dog, cat, or other furry friend may not have been as much of a concern years ago, many people today view their pets as a part of the family. As such, there’s been a growing focus on “pet custody” and how family courts handle these matters upon divorce. In states with evolving pet custody legislation, family judges have discretion to consider the best interests of pets, rather than treating them solely as property.
  7. Marriage Laws – In addition to divorce laws, many states have laws addressing how spouses marry and even what they’re allowed, and not allowed, to do during the marriage. In South Carolina, for example, the state’s Offenses Against Morality and Decency Act makes it a misdemeanor for men over the age of 16 to propose to women as a means of seduction. There are also laws prohibiting married couples from sleeping nude in a rented room (Salem, Massachusetts), wives from wearing false teeth without the written permission of their husbands (Vermont), spouses from getting married if the county clerk issuing the marriage license believes either spouse is drunk, insane, or an imbecile (Mississippi), and even husbands from scowling at their wives on a Sunday (Colorado).

Help for Houston Spouses Seeking Divorce

If there’s anything worth taking away from these strange and arguably outdated laws, it is that divorce and family law, like any area of law and the societal views that shape them, are constantly evolving.

At HCH, we know staying apprised of current laws and issues that impact our clients is critical when it comes to providing personalized, quality representation. That includes everything from helping clients who attended college in a time of rising tuition rates address the division of student loans, helping older adults determine how their retirement accounts will be divided, and more.

If you are currently considering divorce in Houston or any of the surrounding areas of Texas, our award-winning legal team at Hendershot, Cannon & Hisey, P.C. is here to help. Call (713) 909-7323 to speak with a lawyer.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



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Afraid Of What The Narcissistic Will Do Next? – Do this

Afraid Of What The Narcissistic Will Do Next? – Do this

 

One of the scariest things about narcissists is that you have NO idea what he or she will do next.

When cracks have appeared in your relationship, or you have separated, then abuse from a narcissist can REALLY heat up.

You may have already experienced the cruel, terrible acts that are designed to hurt you deep within your soul, life and emotions, and threaten everything that you love.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I am going to help you understand the TRUE way you can predict a narcissist, as well as finally keep yourself SAFE from one.

 

 

Video Transcript

I know it can be terrifying to wonder what the narcissist will do next.

You may be going through this right now.

People all the time want to know: ‘Will he do this?’, ‘Is she likely to do that?’ and ‘Because this happened, does it mean this will happen?’

Narcissists can be very predictable, even though we believe they are unpredictable.

We know there are certain behaviours that they are really prone to do.

Today, I am going to tell you what it is that you can do, so that you will get free of every fear of what the narcissist will do next.

In fact, the information I am sharing with you, in this video, will get you to the point where you say ‘who cares’. And when you get to this point … you’ll have nothing to fear.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Alright, let’s get started on today’s episode!

 

What IS the Narcissist Going to Do Next?

It is when we try to work out what narcissists are going to do next by observing them, looking them up on social media, asking people about them, and watching out for them, that we can go SO wrong!

Likewise, it is Wrongtown even just obsessing about what has happened and wracking our brains about what could happen next.

Why?

Because the answer is NOT to be found in ANY of these places.

What do narcissists ALWAYS do?

This…

They do THE thing we fear is going to hurt US the most.

You may think this is crazy, yet I promise you, from the ten plus years that I have been working with people every day to overcome narcissistic abuse, as well as deeply investigating my own narcissistically abusive relationships, I KNOW that what I just said is the absolute truth.

Narcissists don’t have their own Identity – they are a False Self.

When relationships with narcissists crack, they try to keep punishing you for not appeasing their False Self. They also want to retain you for narcissistic supply, hoping to affect you to enforce their own significance.

Therefore, the greatest insult to a narcissist is for you to not grant them any energy or attention whatsoever, and to move on with your life.

So, to combat this, the narcissist is going to go for your ‘gap’. Meaning what hurts and what will get you emotionally triggered, reacting and granting him or her narcissistic supply again.

 

What You Find ‘In There’

To take your power back and get impervious to what the narcissist will do next, step number one is to stop observing and researching him or her (or narcissism in general) to try to work out WHAT will happen.

Instead – turn inwards to observe and research yourself.

I promise you the answer is in there.

But before you start doing this inner work, I want to convince you a little more about why this is necessary.

Think about your life with the narcissist and what this person triggers off within you.

Is it not the things that have been in repeat in your life that are painful for you in this relationship with the narcissist?

Things like blaming you for issues; telling you that you are defective, no good or selfish; smearing you; not trusting in and believing you; not recognising you or loving you for who you are; controlling and being possessive of you; or treating you like you are invisible.

Because these are likely to have been your ‘normal’ struggles, and it is not until you go within that you may realise that these things have been in repeat. These unhealed wounds may have been painfully evident in childhood and then continued on throughout your adult relationships.

My unhealed wounds were about being controlled, distrusted, betrayed and engulfed by people. I also had terrible terrors of abandonment and not being able to survive on my own without a man.

All of these patterns were prevalent and hugely triggered and brought to life in my narcissistic relationships.

What did the narcissists in my life do next, when things went south?

This…

They betrayed me with smearing and abandonment, and they attacked my security. ALL of my biggest fears!

What happened before my Thriver Recovery, both times, when these fears were triggered? I went into a frenzy of terror, dread, heartbreak, righteousness or rage. I obsessed, retaliated, handed power over and each time got crushed even further by them.

Even when the narcissists didn’t continue the crushing, the chip had been planted inside me; I crushed myself.

Yet, the same narcissists did different things with different people, according to each person’s own fears – I promise you this is the truth.

 

You Can’t Change Them, You Can Only Change Yourself

The next way we can go straight into Wrongtown is by thinking ‘Okay, now that I know the narcissist does what I fear, I’m going to try to stop the narcissist doing that.’

Maybe if I call the narcissist out, he’ll stop.

Maybe if I appeal to her, she will cease doing this.

Maybe I should try to make a deal…

Or threaten back with something…

Or try to inform others so that the narcissist is exposed and held accountable.

All of these equal ‘how to lose’. In fact, it will only energise what you fear and make it more likely to happen to you.

Be honest, you have already tried some, if not all, of these things (plus more). You know it doesn’t help matters.

This I want you to know with all of my heart: the experience of narcissistic abuse is an absolute energetic phenomenon, which is teaching you that you and your fears are front and centre with this person.

I’ll put it to you simply.

What you fear is what the narcissist will smash you with.

It is when you conquer YOUR FEAR, and not the narcissist, that the experience of narcissistic abuse and the narcissist can and will exit your life.

I promise you, relief and freedom happened in my life, and have happened for Thriver after Thriver in this community, once we had done the inner work to become Anti-Fear.

What does Anti-Fear mean?

It means having no emotional charge of fear on the previous fearful topic, regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

 

How Is It Possible to Become Anti-Fear?

You may think it is madness to try to become fearless about something that is being triggered right NOW by the narcissist’s obscene behaviour – or the threat of him or her doing it in the future.

You may also believe it is IMPOSSIBLE.

Yes, it is impossible if you keep your focus on the narcissist.

Yet, it is TOTALLY possible when you accept that the INNER GAME is the only one where you can have true power in these situations.

Generally, when people have exhausted every other possibility, and have nothing to lose, they start to apply the Inner Game tactic and then realise how powerfully it works.

How is the Inner Game played?

By taking all focus off the narcissist and going inwards to the traumas within, which are fearful and triggered. By doing the deep healing on these traumas and their origins, so they simply don’t exist anymore.

Like Gina, who was previously terrorised and traumatised by her ex Greg, who was stalking her. By doing the Quantum inner work on the terror of being ambushed and hunted and powerless, that had existed long before Grant, Gina FINALLY felt completely fearless out in life – regardless of what the hell Grant tried to do.

Grant predictably approached her again. She walked straight past him without any feeling whatsoever other than the slight annoyance of ‘Why waste my time?’

Gina shrugged off any residual emotions within minutes. She had graduated. He never approached or attempted contacting her again.

Then there was Katherine. Andrew was belting her with his solicitor and threatening to take the house and full custody of the children. Katherine was so paralysed with fear she could barely eat or sleep.

Katherine turned within to do the work on her terrors of losing her children and her home, and emerged feeling solid and calm on the inside. She stood down her solicitor, sought another one, and felt safe and inspired.

Within three months Katherine was awarded 70 per cent of her property settlement and the majority of shared custody.

Katherine simply kept working on her fears, presenting evidence that her highly motivated lawyer asked her for, and showing up calmly and clearly. The entire time she was willing to accept whatever the outcome was.

In court she had no pangs of fear or anxiety. The narcissist unravelled for all to see, and was reprimanded by the judge.

Then there was Stewart, who was being terrorised by Kristy his ex-wife. She took him back to court every few years – always after more money. The resentment he felt about this was so heavy that he felt crippled to try to meet anyone else or pursue any career advancement.

When Stewart took his focus off resenting Kristy and turned it inwards to heal himself, he found and released many traumas regarding other people using him for their own agendas and him never being allowed to be happy.

After shifting out all of these traumas, he stopped hurting and started dealing with his life. He had the inspiration to go forth and just be himself, regardless of what Kristy would decide to do.

He got a promotion and a girlfriend. He stopped thinking about the repercussions with Kristy.

After this, Kristy never took him to court again. And, as it turned out, she met a new partner and lost all urge to do so.

Are these miraculous turnarounds a coincidence?

If they are, then the thousands of shifts I’ve seen in the past ten plus years are too!

Of course they are not! It’s Quantum Law – so within, so without.

 

It’s Counter-Intuitive, But It’s the Only Way

Something inside of you may be resonating with KNOWING what I am saying is the truth. Your cells have the ability to feel and know when something is!

Or maybe you are so exhausted and emptied out with trying everything else to get out of the fear and pain of narcissistic abuse, that you would be willing to bang two fishes over your head if you thought it would help!

I know it is terrifying to take your focus off the narcissist and put it fully into healing the triggered parts of yourself.

I know it feels like the LAST thing you should be doing.

Yet, I promise you that when you start doing it, you will notice the fear drop away and something else open up.

Then you will see the real life shifts in your life that happen as a result.

And then you will KNOW 100 percent that what I am explaining here to you is the truth – the only truth that was ever going to stop this horror and grant you your true, abuse-free, new life.

This you need to be very clear about – reaching this state is not a logical job.

It’s an inside job – which is not logically achieved.

You can’t think your way into this; you need to heal your way to it.

So if you just know now this is the way, or two fishes seems like an option, it is perfect timing for you…

Because I have recently opened up my next Masterclass, which is a profound healing event that when last held was attended by thousands of people from over 100 different countries. Both during and after the event, we received hundreds of messages and emails saying that, humbly, the event was truly phenomenal.

To join up to this free, healing event please click this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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