She Can’t Be Erased; She’s Their Mother

She Can’t Be Erased; She’s Their Mother

 

One of the worst memories I have about my divorce was the day my children found a family photo that had black tape over my face.  It was found in an album at my ex’s mom’s house. What was even more devastating is that my children didn’t have the heart to tell me themselves.

Days later I received a phone call from my mom telling me that my kids told her what they had seen, as they held back tears to explain to her that it was a family member who had done it.  Every emotion imaginable hit me all at the same time as I tried to swallow the rage.

My first thought was how do I begin to explain the unexplainable to my children.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then what message was this sending them?

That their mother was someone that was no longer part of this family?

That divorcing their father meant I no longer existed in their world?

Or was it that I no longer mattered because of my choices?

I wasn’t ready to have a conversation about something that I was still trying to process.

I had no idea why this family member lashed out at me in this way.  I was raised to be respectful and kind to others and also to mind my own business.  I could never imagine doing that to anyone.

Why did he do it?

She Can’t Be Erased; She’s Their Mother

Was it because I am an Italian woman who chose to stand in her truth? You have to understand the Italian culture to make sense of this insanity.  In the Italian culture, you do not leave your marriage, no matter what the situation is. At least this is what I was shown.

I thought about my great grandmother who lived in Italy, and how much pain she must have carried in her soul.  It wasn’t until I was much older that I found out my great grandfather had a whole other family we knew nothing about.  I wondered what that betrayal did to her.

What wounds had she been made to carry?

My heart ached for her silence. How many other women before her stayed silent in marriages that no longer served them?

Was it my strength in leaving my marriage that offended this family member? Was it the fact that I was no longer going to be controlled by anyone or anything? Or was it just another man willing to throw a woman out like garbage because she was no longer submissive to her husband?

My truth and my courage sent an aftershock that rattled everybody.

Once the rage wore off I was left with a deep sense of sadness.  I understood why my great grandmother stayed. What was she going to do, leave my great grandfather and raise the children on her own? He financially supported the family.

Back then there were no options for mothers that wanted out of their unfulfilling marriages. Did men take advantage of this position of power because they knew women had no way out? I wondered what it would have looked like if she left him.

I realized that my divorce was so much bigger than just wanting out of a marriage.  I was breaking cultural norms that had never been done before. It was my truth that offended people. “How dare she break her family apart. What kind of mother is she?

She left a good man that gave her everything she could have ever wanted.  She doesn’t deserve to be part of this family”… this was the message I received loud and clear from the black tape over my face, and this is what landed on my children’s eyes.

I couldn’t make them unsee what they had seen, and I also didn’t want them to have hatred in their hearts for the ignorant behavior that was displayed upon them. I wasn’t going to let this person do what so many others before him had done…keep women from standing in their power by crippling their spirit.

No, I choose to rise instead.  Not only for myself but for the many women before me that didn’t have the power to do it.  I chose to rise for my children because I wasn’t going to show them that I needed to defend myself or prove myself worthy by giving this any more of my energy.  I chose to show them that the power of forgiveness is stronger than any stones thrown at me. That’s the legacy they will remember, a mom that stands in love can’t ever be erased.

The post She Can’t Be Erased; She’s Their Mother appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

child visitation after divorce

Child Visitation After Divorce: How My Narcissistic Ex Is Using It Against My Children

child visitation after divorce

 

My divorce never hit me. I was contently past all the stages of grief on the day of my divorce. I was free and so eager to start anew. (I even agreed to attempt reconciliation with my ex post-divorce, but that’s a story for another day.)

Some months later, I moved back to the town I had grown up in. My boys, then seven and eight, moved with me. It felt great to be starting fresh and to be surrounded by family and my childhood girlfriends again.

My boys and I did get the I’m-so-sorry-face from everyone we knew. But despite the catastrophe that others saw, I was relieved, happy, and shame-free to be divorced. I could breathe again, and my life was my own again. Or so I thought…

Given my move, I had agreed to my ex-husband, aka WASband, seeing our boys virtually every weekend and agreed that he could have the boys visit him at his home 400 miles away on any given weekend.

Child Visitation After Divorce

My ex abused my trust.

My WASband turned our flexible visitation agreement into a nightmare for my boys. He insisted that every visit be in Los Angeles in his world. I had agreed to this and he had a legal contract to enforce it.

So, our children traveled from San Francisco to Los Angeles and then back again three to four weekends each month during the school year.

He didn’t care that virtually every Friday his children spent four hours or more traveling to him and four hours or more on Sundays traveling back.

He didn’t care if the children were sick.

He didn’t care if they missed the one and only birthday party they got invited to.

He didn’t care if they weren’t making friends at their new school.

He didn’t care if our son cried and cried over not being able to compete in his once-a-year Tae Kwon Do championship.

He didn’t care if their Friday flight was canceled by the airline. He made them take the 6:00 am flight on Saturday morning only to fly back on Sunday.

He didn’t care if the children were exhausted from all the travel.

He didn’t care if they couldn’t join the basketball team because of weekend games.

He just didn’t care. It was a zero-exceptions contract that I had agreed to.

My WASband’s words were, I am NOT willing to spend my custodial time in Northern California. There was intense hatred towards me in that single sentence. Each time I asked for some flexibility for our children, those words were written back to me in bigger, bolder font along with, My position hasn’t changed.

I had made a huge mistake.

I had willingly given a narcissist full discretion to decide where and how he spends time with our children assuming that he would be reasonable when it came to the children.

I don’t know if he saw their tears. I wiped them.

I don’t know if he heard their screams. Some days that’s all I heard.

He denied their pain. I couldn’t.

I don’t know if he realized their isolation. I saw it.

Over and over I begged a father to accommodate his children’s needs. Each time he refused.

There came a time when my children cried, I know the answer is no. The answer is always no. Then came a time when they no longer asked.

My ex now controlled the boys with custody.  

Spending his time with his children in Los Angeles trumped all else. He was blind to their physical health, their social development, and their emotions. He had to have control: It’s okay for [our son] to miss a birthday party in order to spend quality time with his father.

Of course, nothing was preventing this father from accompanying his son to this one and only birthday party that his son had been invited to all year.

And my ex also controlled me with custody.

When I mailed out a birthday card over summer break and asked my WASband to give the card to our son, my ex responded, “You should do that personally, meaning during your own custodial time.”

This was emotional abuse at its worst.

The control and emotional abuse I thought I had escaped resurfaced like a newer, stronger virus. This time, while aimed at me, it was infecting our children. The children weren’t doing well socially or emotionally.  Despite multiple pediatricians’ recommendations for immediate therapy for our children, my ex refused to consent.

Since the divorce and move my older son had begun to break out crying and screaming for no apparent reason. Of course, I knew the reason; he wasn’t coping well with his parent’s separation.

He was eight-years-old at the time and completely non-verbal about our divorce. He didn’t want to talk, or discuss, or listen to anything related to his mom and dad no longer living together.

Over the course of a year and a half, even after two pediatricians independently witnessed my older son have such an emotional meltdown including throwing himself around the room, my WASband maintained that my son didn’t need therapy.

The emotional outbursts became more frequent, became more intense and shifted from crying and screaming to also verbally threatening his family and physically hurting those around him.

Family court was a game of poker.

With no other resolution in sight, I turned to the Court for help. My children were in danger if nothing changed.

That journey through Court was long, expensive, and made unreasonably longer and more expensive by my ex on the other side. (During our eight-year marriage my ex had been in constant litigation all eight years; he sued all his business partners from multiple businesses, a dentist who voluntarily admitted a mistake, and an employee of a Fortune 500 company knowing the company would pay him damages just to avoid litigation).

I should have known better. My ex had no qualms or limits in abusing the legal system. He was an eye-for-an-eye man once he convinced himself that you had slighted him.

So, my ex showed up in Court with thick, oversized, zero-prescription eyeglasses and a bow tie to complete his geekiest Caltech persona. A charming serial entrepreneur with 20-20 vision (the one I had married) now sat disguised as a nerdy engineer in an effort to explain away his complete inflexibility in co-parenting his children.

He claimed he was an engineer who was scrambling to make ends meet and whose employer had been loaning him money for personal expenses. The fact was that he owned the company he worked for!

He showed virtually no income and no assets all the while affording private flying lessons, affording aircraft rentals, and paying his parents and extended family from business profits.

And so, a game of poker with the judges ensued. The first judge had enough common sense and provided temporary relief for the children from all the travel. This judge saw the thousands of pages of written communication between my ex and me as a complete breakdown of communication.

But he retired. Then a second judge with a completely different common sense, had me pay my ex’s attorney fees and didn’t bat an eye at the amount of travel our children were doing between San Francisco and Los Angeles.

This new judge wanted proof to correlate sickness to excessive travel. Common sense wasn’t good enough. This new judge saw the thousands of pages of written communication between my ex and me as normal negotiation.

This judge saw my wealth against my poor Caltech-graduate WASband with his fake glasses and bow tie, who had no car in his name, no property in his name, who for years had paid his company’s profits to his extended relatives.

In retaliation to me going to Court, my ex had convinced himself that he needed $30,000 per month to support our children. And since he could afford neither a car nor housing, he wanted me to now support a new lifestyle for him, complete with private jet travel, five-star hotels, and much more.

A third judge put an end to my ex’s non-sense; my WASband got his child support but an amount which I proposed to the Court based on facts instead of exaggerations. Disappointed with this outcome, my ex filed two more cases trying to get exorbitant amounts of money from me.

Those cases, while dismissed, still took an emotional and financial toll. I’ve learned now that it’s a matter of time before my WASband sues me again.

Court was a two-year war. And war is never good.

One of my sons got therapy after two years of jumping through all the Court’s hoops. My children’s travel was slightly reduced and many smaller issues were resolved. Yet the Court was fooled by a narcissist.

The Court didn’t approve therapy for my younger son because I didn’t have any evidence for its need. So, now a year later when my younger son says, “I will kill myself,” and my WASband still refuses therapy for him, am I to return to Court?

The Family Court that deals with divorced families and children couldn’t see this coming? I could.

This Court that also ordered my ex to spend the first weekend a month in Northern California because it coincided with the Tae Kwon Do schedule didn’t think to make it an order that my WASband actually take the children to these Tae Kwon Do events.

The Court couldn’t catch the narcissist in disguise. How am I to point out this mistake to the Court? With another trial and 2-year battle? No thank you.

Life, Uh, Finds a Way.

For nearly three years now, my children have been traveling between San Francisco and Los Angeles nearly every weekend. Yes, it’s hard and unheard of, but the one weekend each month we have together is better than ever.

We miss most of the special school events, but we did go to one dance last year and I caught my boys on camera doing the Floss with their classmates!

We do miss most of the special Tae Kwon Do events, but every now and then the stars line up and we get to go to the one we get to go to!

We do miss most family get togethers, so now many of my nine first cousins go out of their way to have our children meet.

For over two years now, my WASband has been telling our children: Your mom is a liar. Her entire family lies. It’s her fault; she’s the one that divorced me. He shows them snippets of court documents to prove his story with evidence.

Sadly, my nine and ten-year-old children are versed in court vocabulary including evidence, exhibits, credibility, and legal contracts. My WASband tells my older son:  You go to therapy because you have mental problems. Your mom forced you to go to therapy.

You’ll be in therapy for your whole life.

You need to lose weight. You need to get in shape.

Are you trying to gain weight?

He tells our children: Do you have any Indian friends? I’ll arrange a playdate [on my visits to San Francisco] if your friends are Indian.

This type of abuse attacks every aspect of their lives. There may never be a respite from this.

My children began coming back to me on Sundays, especially after long holidays, and telling me: You’re a liar. A big fat liar because you don’t have any evidence. Daddy has evidence. I was caught off-guard, hurt, and defensive.

My co-parenting counselor (not to mention others) advised me to open up to my children, but mostly all I could say was: These are adult issues. Children shouldn’t be worried about these things. I will tell you when you’re seventeen or eighteen. Your Daddy loves you, but some of these things he is doing and saying are wrong. And he may never change. You have to be stronger.

After two years of this, there are still new frustrations, more confusion, and deeper wounds but my children are finding their way. They tell me: Mommy, you have to be stronger!

And I am stronger because I chose to be free. My marriage was bad and the aftermath of my divorce worse, but I am free. I’ve begun to learn to allow myself to resign all outcomes to a higher power when I need to.

I’ve learned that there’s nothing that can break me. I’ve been shattered more than once, and I’ve gotten up to collect and put myself back together each time. I don’t hate my ex; it’s as if my body or mind or soul has decided that this person doesn’t deserve even my hatred.

I pray for his peace of mind, I tell my children to send love towards Daddy, and I’ve never been one to pray. Whenever I remember, I tell my children to say something nice about someone else each night.

I’ve learned to hug and cuddle. My children wonder: Why have you gone all lovey-dovey. I suppose it’s because love is all that remains for me.

The post Child Visitation After Divorce: How My Narcissistic Ex Is Using It Against My Children appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

common mistakes in child custody cases

5 Common Mistakes Made In Child Custody Cases

common mistakes in child custody cases

 

Getting a divorce can be a taxing and tenuous task for all parties involved but can be even more so when your child is involved. When the couple split up in a divorce with a child, the issue of child custody comes up.

Child custody cases resolve who will take care, custody, and control of the child. This can be assigned to one or both parents. A parent with custody of a child takes care of their upbringing, education, place of living, and even scheduling time with the other parent if necessary.

However, no matter how your divorce case plays out, there are many mistakes you can make that can affect your custody case over your child. If you are dealing with a divorce or custody case and need a divorce lawyer, contact us at Simonetti & Associates to help represent you.

Common Mistakes in Custody Cases:

When in a custody case, you would want to do everything you can to achieve a favorable outcome. However, there are some mistakes that you can make that will sabotage your chances of a good outcome from your child custody case.

If you are looking for quality representation to help you in your custody case, finding the right divorce lawyer can make or break your case. Some critical mistakes made in custody cases include:

  • Getting too emotional– Losing your cool, yelling, threatening, or any other signs of violence can be used in the case against you and ruin custody rights you may have been able to get otherwise.
  • Abusing Social Media– Openly criticizing your spouse or bad-mouthing them on social media platforms will reflect poorly on yourself, and can be used against your case in court.
  • Forgetting to put your child first– The court will always prioritize what is best for the child over everything else, and you should do the same. Even if you do not like the other parent, if it would be best for your child to get some time with them then you should consider the options. Or if you want to move to another area, but doing so would harm the child’s life in some way, you may want to reconsider.
  • Manipulating the child– manipulating your children against the other parent will only make it more difficult for them to cope with the situation, which will impact your chances of a beneficial custody case.
  • Not working with a former spouse where you can– Divorces aren’t always easy or pleasant, but outright refusing to work with a spouse can reflect negatively on your abilities as a parent. No matter how you feel about your former spouse, you should try to be open about working with them to create the best possible solution for your child.

Why a Divorce Lawyer Can Help

Divorce cases can become complicated and emotional and can be very taxing on your day to day life while in one. But to get favorable custody, you should try to be calm, reasonable, and responsible. Working to assure the best possible future for your child is the goal of custody court, and should be yours as well.

A divorce is never an easy circumstance to face in life. Not only are you parting ways with someone who you once loved deeply, but you must face an assortment of issues that go along with divorce, such as custody battles.

During this deeply stressful time, it can be difficult to make important decisions with a clear head. That is why the help of a divorce lawyer is critical in helping you win your case and facilitate all important matters regarding your divorce. Take the time to find the best representation for your case so that you can walk away knowing that you did everything you could to reach a proper settlement.

The post 5 Common Mistakes Made In Child Custody Cases appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

Marriage Story : 4 Lessons for Divorcing Couples

Marriage Story : 4 Lessons for Divorcing Couples

From the outset of a divorce, parents should be vigilant in thinking about how their actions impact the children.

The post Marriage Story : 4 Lessons for Divorcing Couples appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

4 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting in 2020

4 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting in 2020

After a divorce, you most likely don’t want to see your ex again, but if you have children, you may need to find ways to successfully co-parent. Co-parenting isn’t easy, but it’s often the best thing for your children. 

The post 4 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting in 2020 appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

insights from a veteran single mom

15 Insights From a Veteran Single Mom

insights from a veteran single mom

 

There are many great articles on what to do when you are suddenly faced with a divorce. But there are not a lot about what to know at the other end of your journey. In July 1999 I suddenly found myself a single mother 4 weeks after my second child was born. Seems my husband had other plans with his girlfriend which did not include me, my 4-week-old daughter or my 4-year-old son.

Let’s see…we were in the middle of remodeling our home and I just had a baby. All the above were left for me to complete. So many friends asked if I wanted to go out and get a glass of wine. You know… to unwind and relax.

My response? I can’t afford to start drinking now; I will never stop.

Then I went to a counselor who told me I wasn’t sleeping enough and that I should take sleeping pills to help me. Ummm… did she miss the 4-week-old baby part? I guess I could set her bottle in the bassinette and hope she takes a swig when she’s hungry. Good grief!

Fast forward 20 years later. I am here to tell you that you can survive despite the well-wishers who are …let’s face it…clueless to your new world. You learn to accept the cards you got dealt with.

You kinda have no choice. You learn to make the best “Gosh Darn” Lemonade you can with the week-old lemons that have fallen from the tree that was hit by lightning.

You sacrifice; you persevere, and best of all YOU WIN! Here are some ways I found to take those steps forward.

Insights From a Veteran Single Mom

1. Find Your Purpose

“As long as you have breath, someone needs what you have.”

Joel Osteen

I have found this to be a strange comfort to me. I guess I have found this to be a reason to keep on keeping on. I do have people who need what I have. But it seems that they need the very energy I need to be able to deliver what they think I have. Hmmm that’s a lot to unpack. Let’s try that again. It seems that “they” need the very energy that “I” need to be able to deliver to “them” what “they” think that “I” have. Well, that is still a mouthful. Work that one out if you can.

My purpose has morphed into many phases that I would never have known of myself before. When I found myself suddenly alone and facing the daunting task of raising a family by myself, building a house that was abandoned by my husband and left to do it all by myself, and all the while working a full-time job and going through a divorce…I had no idea what my purpose was. It changed by the hour. By the day. By the month. Heck, by the minute.

I had an infant so that was the measure of how much growth occurred each month. Literally a transforming child and a transforming mother right before my eyes. But I had a purpose. That purpose, though changing all the time was my navigation to keep moving forward. Step by step. Breath by breath. And at the end of each day, I would literally look at my babies asleep in the room they shared, and say, “Well Karen…you were a good mom today.”

2. Reaching Out for Help

“Most Holy Apostle St. Jude Thaddeus, friend of Jesus, I place myself in your care at this difficult time. Help me know that I need not face my troubles alone. Please join me in my need.”

Prayer to St. Jude

Oh, how hard it is for me to ask for help. It is probably my earliest memory as a child. Needing help. I had a twin sister who was wicked smart. She had no trouble with any subject. I failed math miserably. But for some reason, I guess in the 70’s they just didn’t think to offer a kid struggling any help, by that I mean teachers. Schools.

My mom had gone back to school herself and she had no time for this. So, I suffered. Sadly, I learned how to function well in suffering. I learned how to make it all look easy and not be phased by any of it. I normalized what felt like abnormal. I could not have known what purpose that would serve me later in my life.

But now I have come to see that it was a prophecy of some kind. It was a divinely engineered skill that was necessary when I needed it most. How to function as normal and light to the outside world; to the children you are raising alone; to the friends and family who look at you like you are Rock Star simply because you still smile and laugh while dealing with circumstances, they could never imagine for themselves.

So, in order to avoid bursting their bubbles and shaking the images I have created, I seek help in a Spiritual way. To the beings that know me best and who I feel have stood by me all these years. I seek help from those that I know will not judge me and who I know have felt every ounce of my nerves through these years. They have never let me down, but I do need to always remember to show my gratitude. Oh, things are tough no doubt as you raise a family alone. But they could have been so much worse. I believe in Angels.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Be Still

“I give myself permission to be still. To not worry about anything at all. Happy Birthday, Karen.”

Karen Czuleger

There is only one day that I allow myself to be still. No worries. To not engage my fears. To just be still. That day is my birthday. Oh, I still do everything I need to care for everyone else. But in my soul; I allow it to be still.

4. Remember Your Legacy

“No One With Character Leaves Behind A Wasted Life”

John McCain

I do try to believe this every day that I am on this earth. I feel that because I have character, I was able to raise a family alone and let their father run away due to his “lack” of character. I hate anyone who is derelict in character. I know it’s because of him too. Before, I could have cared less who had character or who didn’t. I just didn’t think much about it.

But now I see lack of character in anyone as a significant sign of weakness; which I, of course, have no patience for. My father was a “Man” of deep convictions. He was a simple man at the same time. He just lived his life with a compass that was extraordinary. He believed he was no better or worse than anyone. He was a man who gave all that he had in order to end anyone’s suffering. He showed me this trait every day of my life.

It showed in epic proportions when I found myself to suddenly be a single mom weeks after my second child was born. He never shirked what he perceived to be his duty. He loved me unconditionally and adored with the greatest depth of love for my children. He stepped up. He stepped in. He was the Father figure he insisted they get. And he was. No one could leave this earth with a better legacy than John Arthur Czuleger.

5. Raise Your Bar

“My tastes are simple. I am easily satisfied with the very best.”

Winston Churchill

I love the best. I love to feel that I have the best of everything. And even if my car is not a Mercedes, my car …to me is the best. But what has motivated me in the past in seeking the best has changed dramatically. I no longer live in a state of want for “things”. I do live in a state of want for love; for protection; for support; for peace.

I watch TV shows and movies that I have seen 100 times. But now that I am older, I see them differently. I feel pangs of jealousy. I know how stupid is that? I watch my old fave, Keeping Up Appearances on the BBC and what I used to laugh at and felt that they were a world away, I now see that they are two older people who are quirky, but who are financially stable. He gets to retire. She never had to work. Oh, what bliss that looks like to me now.  Some days I am even jealous of Wilma Flintstone and Jane Jetson. Good grief.

6. Don’t Give Away Your Worth

“Not one drop of my self-worth depends on your acceptance of me.”

Quincy Jones

This was something I had to really work on. I may only have 2 nickels to rub together, but I have my self-worth. I gave it to every guy since my husband and including him. I gave it to the woman he left us for. I still have nightmares about them, but for some reason I am no longer a victim in those horrid dreams. I am stronger. Oh, they used to be awful. I was humiliated over and over, repeatedly by them in my dreams.

Then I met Mark. He had to make me smaller so he could feel bigger. Then I met Jeffrey. He had to dump all his problems on me and expect me to understand when he sought out others to have fun with. Then I met the Russian. With this wonderful man, I found my strength. Why with him? Because he had enough class and integrity that he didn’t need to steal mine to find his. In order to find your self-worth, you sometimes must get so darn tired of feeling worthless that you need to start looking at the common denominators to these people.

What you find is that they seek your security to bolster their insecurities.

7. Be Confident

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

Mark Twain

Single mom or not…remember that you are the best and you are doing your best. Just because you do not have a man in your life doesn’t mean that you are alone. Share in your life’s joys and happiness with your children and never feel lonely. Never feel that you are not good enough for a man just because you have kids and you have made them your priority in some cases for a very long time. My mother used to always say that her children were her wealth! Thanks Mom! Mine are too!

8. Change Your Movie

“Can it be done, Father? Can a man change the stars?” His father calmly replies, “Yes William. If he believes enough, a man can do anything.”

A Knights Tale

Sometimes I wish the end of a movie was at the beginning. Especially scary movies. And there are many days spent as a single parent more frightening then Dracula or Frankenstein! I want to know that everything will be alright. So, change your life movie. Change your power. Think from the end.

Think of the happy ending at the end of the pain.

Think about how you want to feel and feel it. What would security feel like? You knew it before. Feel it again. Imagine it. Feel it. Let the experience wash all over you and seep into you.

Feel your heart rate lower.

Feel your breathing slow down. Check yourself. Continue.

What does support feel like?

Does it feel like a warm blanket on a cold day?

Does it make you take a deep cleansing breath in and allow you to exhale all the way out?

Are you safe?

What does safety feel like? Are you calm?

How do you feel?

Imagine the sweet calm and secure feeling of knowing you are safe. It may feel like a game you are playing with yourself. But what you feel, your body responds to. In the same way when you feel fear or are anxious. Your body responds.

So why not try the opposite feelings? If your organs were your children that you want to protect from harm, wouldn’t you just instinctively protect them? Wouldn’t your Mama Bear just kick into overdrive? It would! You would! Your organs need you to take care of them. They need you as much as you need them! Care for them. Love them.

And the result will surprise you when you realize that even though your reality may still be there to deal with, the feelings and reactions to it have shifted to a better place. Breath. Breath.

9. Love Sees Everything

True love is both loving and letting oneself be loved. It is harder to let ourselves be loved than it is to love.

Pope Francis

By Love Sees Everything, I mean with love there is nothing too harsh to see that can change how one feels. Of course, you can get annoyed by things someone does. But real loves see’s it all in its technicolor glory. You don’t have to mask anything to someone who truly loves you. You have no fear of judgement from them. The harshest judgment usually comes from oneself. Afterall we are our worst critics.

Which brings me to the real issue at hand. Love ourselves in all our own technicolor glory as well. That is, through aging, weight gain, exhaustion, crankiness…everything! We must approve of and love ourselves and not be afraid of what we see in the mirror. If only when we look at our faces in the mirror we saw the sum of all that is beautiful in us, we would never feel fat, old and worthless. We would glory in all of our imperfections. I do!

10. Right Your Story or Write Your Story

“There are those that look at things the way they are and ask why…I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?”

Robert F. Kennedy

I love this phrase because it makes me feel lighter. It makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel less afraid; less daunted; less alone. By writing your story you “right” your story. I am a big believer in visioning. I have had the ability to envision things I wanted ever since I was a little kid. My mom would take us to the fabric store, and we would go to the pattern books and find a dress or outfit we liked and then find our size in the pattern file boxes.

Then we would peruse the store for the best fabrics. I learned to envision things for myself in that fabric store. I could see what the finished dress would look like every time I looked at the fabric. I loved going to the fabric store! It was such a happy place where I felt that my mom gave my ideas and creativity validation.

When one is under siege from stress, especially if you have been a single parent for as long as I have, you one day realize that your visions have lost some intensity. At least I did. I spent so much of my life reacting to everything under the sun. Reacting to crisis after crisis.

These were found in all shapes and sizes from financial stress and the ever-present mortgage to plumbing issues and roof issues. And even the smallest things were a crisis like birthday presents for kid’s parties, McDonald’s trips for the latest toys, school books, school uniforms, grocery trips… everything was a reactive crisis of some kind.

And through those rough seas, I found that I no longer envisioned wonderful things for myself. I stopped myself from envisioning at all because my thoughts defaulted to a fear-based thing and I was too afraid that I would manifest a negative occurrence.

After all, if I had the ability to envision something wonderful and see it manifest, I must have the equal ability to envision something terrible and fear that it would also manifest. So, the answer was…stop envisioning. But here is the funny thing; if I could push through the fear and leap across my mind to the thoughts of seeing myself in a different scene or different job or with lots of money…I have to say that I was able to manifest more good things than I thought were possible.

In fact, I envisioned and would say to myself via an intention, “I am successful beyond my wildest dreams”! Works every time.

Seeing something wonderful through your mind’s eye and saying an intention with conviction can be a very empowering thing to do, not to mention loving.

11. Find Something Greater Than Yourself and Survive.

“I declare before you all that my whole life, whether it be long or short. Shall be devoted to your service and the service of our great Imperial family to which we all belong.”

Queen Elizabeth II

This one can actually be easier said than done. If you are a good person by nature you are one who naturally wants to please. And sometimes this can be at your peril. But if you take a position to find something that is greater than yourself, greater than the circumstances you find yourself in, it can change the whole dynamic and change your feelings of being lost.

This doesn’t have to be a campaign like Save the Whales or something (or it can be if you want).

It can be a day by day campaign. Maybe you wake up and see that the greater need that day is to go through your closets and finally start purging things that you don’t need and then donate them to a shelter for women and children.

Or maybe it’s helping someone, anyone who is in need that day, for whatever the reason. It all sounds contrite I know. But it adds up. It gets you out of your head and helps you see the world through a new lens. Being of service to someone other than yourself just feels good.

12. Experience the Pain…and Let It Go.

“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together.”

Elizabeth Taylor

This is such a hard one for me and one in which I am constantly trying to navigate. Some days I feel strong and other days I feel the whole thing all over again. What I find is that when I am with my family (my siblings and their families) I feel the most alone. I know that must sound so strange. I mean, my family loves me, right? They do. I know it.

But they are a constant reminder that I am alone. They complain about their respective spouses yet go home every night with them next to them. Knowing that they have each other’s backs and no burden is carried alone. I haven’t felt that kind of security in 2 decades.

I know I have adjusted to the whole fly solo thing now, but that is what makes me sad in the first place. I am now used to it. I now have no expectation of ever being a duo with anyone. And what’s stopping me? The recurring pain.

The movie reel of that old flick running in my head all the time. But it is exacerbated by the picture of seeing my siblings financially secure and well… just secure on all fronts. I miss that feeling. I am not sure I would recognize it if I ever had the chance to feel it again.

But I sure want to try it back on for size one day. But here is what I know for certain, my pain cannot stop me from dreaming of a great future. I am my great future. So, I will put on some lipstick and pull myself together and keep on moving! NO FEAR!

13. Give Yourself Permission to Live

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

I really haven’t felt like I have really been “living life” for many years now. I know I have had some wonderful moments that’s for sure. But its been like eating a cream puff that at one time felt so decadent and scrumptious and which now just tastes like something sweet.

The whole emotional experience is no longer there. That may sound like an overly simplistic analogy but it’s the only way I can describe it.

I have become so accustomed to living and existing and operating under stress that I no longer feel the joy of a scrumptious cream puff. I feel the guilt of eating a cream puff. I feel the calories that are seeping into my body. The arteries that are possibly clogging.

The sugar surge on my heart. And why? Because my stakes are so high, and I worry 24/7 and twice on Sunday because so many people rely on me for their very existence.

So why would I enjoy anything when I have so many other things that require my worry energies. Umm “Hey Ding Dong?” Because you are allowed to Live that’s why!! It is your Right to Live!! How silly would we feel if at the end of the day, or end of our lives perhaps…we spent all our healthy days subliminally telling everyone to load it all on us and we will carry it all up the canyon of life like a donkey with a butt load of crap on our backs. No Bueno!

The people who constantly load us up will be the ones who live a happy and light life. There is something just not right with that picture, so take the power back by Living Man!! Throw the pack off the cliff and let someone else carry it now! PEACE OUT!

14. Prepare yourself for a Fabulous Life!

Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.

Dr. Wayne Dyer

This mantra has been drilled into my household walls for over 10 years. Much to the annoyance of my children who are now in their 20’s. But I happen to believe that in order for us to exercise all the steps we need to take to go forward, we need to change our thinking. That usually means, change my thinking from fear and move to thinking from courage.

You may have days that you just can’t muster up the energy to even try to shift. I know I do. But as a practice, try to take a step back from a situation that is daunting you and shift your defaulted worried thoughts to a place of possibility. It should always start with the words, “I can” or “I will”. Starting anything with “I can’t” and “I won’t” is never headed for a good outcome. “I can pay all of my bills”, and “I will pay all of my bills”, sounds so much stronger than the reverse.

Even if you feel you are lying to yourself. By saying it you will find the strength to get creative and allow yourself an opportunity to breathe through it. I find that when I do this, I remember the dozens of other times during this single parent journey that I felt desperate.

But I willed myself through it by saying my positive affirmations. I don’t care how Airy Fairy its sounded, I always seemed to get to the other side.

15. Time to go home.

“You’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.”

Glinda the Good Witch

This means its time to go home to yourself. You have done the job. You have raised the kids. You have worked the career. You have paid for the house, the tuition, the clothes, the cars etc. You have given every sodden thing in your being to provide a home and security in the best possible way you could.

Now go home. Go home to your reading. Go home to your walking the beach. Go home to your crafts. Go home to your yoga. Go home to wherever you find your soul is nourished and rested. It’s time for you now. And walk courageously to that home with no guilt. Its time to go home.  GO HOME OR GO BIG!

The post 15 Insights From a Veteran Single Mom appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

children thrive after divorce

Here’s How I Helped My Children Thrive After Divorce

children thrive after divorce

 

After my divorce, the biggest thing I worried about was being able to raise my children after such a traumatic event in their lives. How could I possibly provide a positive and healthy atmosphere for them when I’ve just gone through something that I never saw coming and never intended to happen?

Even though it seemed impossible in the beginning I have now come to a place where I know that just because I have separated from my children’s father doesn’t mean I can’t raise them to be happy and motivated children. My goal is to help other mothers understand that your child can thrive even after divorce.

Here’s How I Helped My Children Thrive After Divorce

I was there for my children and made them a priority.

I wasn’t the only one whose world was turned upside down by my divorce their world was changed drastically as well. I took this into consideration and made sure they knew they were the most important thing to me. I put them first!

I gave my children time to heal and process the divorce.

It’s important that they understand they can express negative feelings and questions to you without feeling censored regardless of how long it takes.

I respected my children’s father.

Although, divorce is due to unresolved issues within the relationship under no circumstance do I speak negatively about my former spouse. Sticking to this principle is crucial because the last thing you want to do is have your child feeling like they are stuck in the middle of being forced to choose sides.

I made sure they had a regular routine and schedule.

Working together with my former spouse as far as creating an effective schedule for our children is what keeps my kids happy. Our children understand we are no longer together but still enjoy seeing us come together for their benefit.

A strong co-parenting relationship can remove the stress from your child’s shoulders when it comes to spending time with you or your spouse. Successful co-parenting also allows us to change our schedules and be flexible without unnecessary tension and arguments.

I assured them that the divorce wasn’t their fault.

Another hard thing that I had to do was to help them to understand my divorce was not their fault. I neglected to do this early on and it wasn’t until they came to me and asked was it their fault that daddy and I couldn’t live together anymore.

It broke my heart that for so long, unknown to me, they were walking around thinking that the divorce was their fault. So I urge all of you to take the time and let your children know that no matter what the situation is there is nothing they did to cause the split.

I don’t introduce new relationship partners to them.

I’m currently not involved with anybody but have had to deal with my former partner’s string of new partners. I think it is important to not introduce new, partners, to your children until the relationship has become serious and has been serious for some time.

Children don’t need to see a revolving door of partners it teaches them lessons that will be harder to undo in the future. And I don’t know about you, but if rather not have to teach my children later on in life that they need to be in a relationship to feel whole or get fulfillment out of life.

And lastly, I respect my children’s boundaries.

Being that they split their time between two places means there are some things they feel more comfortable talking to your former spouse about than you. And you’ve got to be okay with that.

As long as it is not something that can be harmful to them, it’s important to not overstep or breach their privacy. That can cause them to lose trust in not only you but also your communication line. And can end with them closing themselves off to you permanently.

It is harder to improve trust once it has been lost and can set your child up to not trust people in the future. Which can leave them feeling alone and cause a host of issues for them later in life.

I hope that reading my story will help you to get through your journey easier than I did. Remember, children need to feel heard and seen by their parents especially during a time where a life-changing event such as divorce has happened.

The post Here’s How I Helped My Children Thrive After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

Kid’s Clothes and Divorce: Dirty, Clean Mixed With Dirty, or Missing!

Kid’s Clothes and Divorce: Dirty, Clean Mixed With Dirty, or Missing!

They either come back, dirty, clean mixed in with the dirty or, missing. How I solved the kid’s clothes and divorce saga.

The post Kid’s Clothes and Divorce: Dirty, Clean Mixed With Dirty, or Missing! appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

Negotiating Holiday Gift Giving After Divorce

Negotiating Holiday Gift Giving After Divorce

The best gifts you can give have nothing to do with price tags and are all about time and love.

The post Negotiating Holiday Gift Giving After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

Adult Children of Divorce and Thanksgiving: The “Giving” Never Ends!

Adult Children of Divorce and Thanksgiving: The “Giving” Never Ends!

I’m not sure why it happens, but I know many grown children of divorce who still feel this way—make each parent happy first, deal with your needs second. And, still, it’s never enough.

The post Adult Children of Divorce and Thanksgiving: The “Giving” Never Ends! appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>