alpha male

She Traded Her Passive Husband In For An “Alpha Male”

alpha male

 

I know not all women will agree, but a man who is a man is a huge turn on. My alpha male works with his hands and plays guitar. He has a bad mouth and at times a bit of a short fuse. That may sound like a negative, but combine it with the fact that the soft side is ever present and he worships this girl like no one ever has and it’s pretty powerful.

Prior to falling in love with an alpha male, I had been married to a very non-alpha male. I was the pants wearer and decision maker. My “bossy” nature made me think this was what I needed in a mate.  Someone who was good with me taking initiative and leading the way. As time wore on, however, I realized being the alpha in a relationship becomes tiresome.

I didn’t want to make EVERY decision or lead the way EVERY time. Trying to pinpoint where we went wrong in our marriage is tough, but the differences in how ambitious and driven we each are is probably the obstacle that was hardest to overcome.

Then along comes Alpha. He is strong and smart and capable. He knows what he wants and makes it happen. He makes decisions when I don’t feel up to it (even about little things like what to eat). He is fiercely competitive and the first to rush to my defense. He likes me being his and likes even more for other men to know I’m his. I see this in him and it makes me swoon.

I never thought I was the kind of woman to fall for a dominant man and end up in an affair with him. I thought surely I wanted to be in charge. However, being slightly more submissive (not entirely…don’t get me wrong) and allowing someone else to show they can handle what life throws at them has been like a breath of fresh air. I feel taken care of and protected and didn’t even realize those were things I wanted to be!

What’s so appealing about an Alpha Male?

Alpha males bring a certain amount of sex appeal as well. I know not all women will agree, but a man who is a man is a huge turn on. Mine works with his hands and plays guitar. He has a bad mouth and at times a bit of a short fuse. That may sound like a negative, but combine it with the fact that the soft side is ever present and he worships this girl like no one ever has and it’s pretty powerful. When it comes to me he is sensitive and patient. He treats women with respect and there is a certain chivalry to men who are men. They are a dying breed and I am lucky enough to have snagged one.

I believe the draw to alpha males for so many women is that we are a generation of powerful women. We want equality in our careers, at home and in life in general. With this, we have to lose some of our softness at times to be heard. An alpha male reminds women that it is ok to be treated like a lady sometimes. It is ok to not always be the dominant person in the room. It is nice to know that if you don’t take charge things may actually still get done and the world WON’T come to an end.

What are the drawbacks of the Alpha Male?

Of course, with any positive, there are usually a few negatives. At times his dominance is frustrating for this bossy girl. I do like things my way…and so does he…so we often have to make huge efforts to meet in the middle. We have to recognize when we are at an impasse and move on. I have to allow for a certain amount of bravado and chest pounding that at times is sexy…and at times just makes me laugh. I know he wishes at times I would allow his alpha to really show and keeping him in check is something I’m still trying to figure out.

As with any male/female relationship, there are challenges and moments of frustration. However, his passion for life and for getting things done means that he will go above and beyond to ensure my happiness. He wants to be the man that saves me from others and from myself. I am learning to be ok with being taken care of. I love my sweet, demanding, sexy, frustrating alpha male and he loves me with his whole heart. Alpha or not that is what women want…the love and admiration of a flawed yet wonderful man.

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woman waiting

Divorced: I Kept Waiting To Feel Independent, To Feel Autonomous, To Feel Free

woman waiting

 

“I decree and declare that the bonds of matrimony are hereby dissolved.”

The sound of the gavel against the wooden pallet made me jump as I sat in the courtroom next to my attorney. I didn’t cry. I didn’t make a sound. In the silence that remained, I waited. I waited to feel different. I waited to feel liberated. I waited to feel free. Only the freedom feeling never came.

I walked back to the seat where my father sat, stoic and quiet. With nothing else to do, we all walked to the clerk to record the judgment of divorce, my new ex-husband, my attorney, my father and me. We made the necessary copies and paid the required fees and made it “official.” And I waited. I waited to feel relieved. I waited to feel independent. I waited to feel free. Only the freedom feeling never came.

The May sun was shining brightly as I shook my new ex-husband’s hand and we departed the building. My dad asked me if I wanted to have a drink. I guess he thought it was a time to celebrate or commiserate, but I didn’t feel much like either.

Waiting to feel independent:

We had gone to lunch before court. I hadn’t eaten much and still wasn’t hungry. So we just went back to the same house I lived in with my now ex-husband and our two kids and waited for them to come home from school. A friend was picking them up today, in case I felt sad or angry or…but really I felt mostly the same.

We were separated for only nine months prior to the divorce being finalized. Our split was mostly amicable, and we utilized a mediator, so the court appearance was really a formality. Still, I expected to feel somehow different after leaving court this afternoon and was honestly a bit disappointed to find myself feeling the same as I did that morning, or so many mornings and days before.

It’s not as if I didn’t realize I was a divorced single mom. I was fully aware that I was no longer married, but I didn’t feel like it, at least not yet.

I soon discovered that much like there is a process to becoming and feeling married, there is a process to feeling and becoming truly divorced. Neither happens overnight.

I don’t know if it was a reflection of me or the nature of my marriage, but it was uncomfortable at first for me to make independent decisions again. I had to remember the activities I liked.

I had to remind myself at first that I could arrange the furniture how I wanted it.

Play music as loudly as I felt comfortable.

Watch the television shows that I enjoyed.

Cook the food that tasted good to me.

And perhaps most importantly, nurture my boys in the manner that suited me best.  There was no one to comment, criticize or complain about anything anymore.

Waiting to feel liberated:

Conceptually, this was a liberating notion, but in practice, this realization still did not bring me the feeling of freedom that I wanted. So, I kept waiting to feel independent, to feel autonomous, to feel free.

I kept my ex-husband’s name after the divorce because of our kids. I wanted our children to have the same last name I had. I wanted no confusion about who belonged to whom, but in the year or so after the divorce, I felt like the name didn’t fit me anymore.

His name was a part of an identity that was no longer mine. That woman, the woman who had been married to him, had evolved into someone completely different, and that person deserved a name. To the extent that my marriage had been a departure from my personal truth on nearly every level, it only seemed right to return to the me that I was before ever meeting him.

After I decided to reclaim my maiden name, I discussed it with my boys, who at 8 and 10, assured me that they did not care what my last name was. They told me that they knew I was their mom no matter what.

Waiting to feel free:

Armed with their blessing, I marched to the social security office on a blustery October day to officially change my name. I sat in the waiting room with people, most of whom were newlyweds filled with excitement at the opportunity to reflect to the world their new identity.

Upon being called to the next available window, and explaining my request to change my name, the clerk said “Congratulations”. I quickly corrected him by shoving my divorce decree under the slot and said, “I’m not newly married. I’m recently divorced and I’m taking my name back.”

He apologized and began to try and make me feel better by saying that he couldn’t believe anyone would not want to be married to me.

I smiled in response and wished he would hurry along. I paid the necessary fees and signed the required paperwork then he slid the Social Security card through the slot and said “Enjoy your new old last name.” As I picked up that small card and read my name once again, it was as if I laid down the weight of eleven years of an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

The old me was gone. I felt lighter. I felt stronger. I felt like me. And finally, in giving myself back to myself, and in giving myself my own name again, I felt free.

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