regret your divorce

What If, Like Me, You Regret Your Divorce?

regret your divorce

 

I am a divorced mom and I regretted my divorce. Even though some time has passed, I still think about my marriage, my children and my husband and all the moments we had together. After some time spent separated from my husband, I came to the conclusion that divorce was rather the easy way out.

Let’s see how had it all started.

I met my ex-husband while volunteering at an NGO organization in my college years. We had about three years of friendship before realizing that we were made for each other. Or at least this is what we thought at the moment. The first years were full of beautiful moments, traveling adventures and getaway weekends. We both loved animals and nature. After a while, he proposed to me. I still remember that magical moment when I was surrounded by a wave of happiness and excitement.

Years passed, and we started a family. We have two beautiful daughters that are the light of our eyes. We started to concentrate more on children, and less on our relationship. We stopped keeping the passion and fire of our love alive. Children became our priority and I regret nothing about this. After reading a few articles on DivorcedMoms.com I realized that there are a lot of moms who go through this. There are a lot of couples who struggle to make their children happy and keep them safe.

Of course, no parent can be blamed for this. But those articles made me realize that there are a lot of couples who forget to keep their passion alive. In their quest of offering their children the best options, they forget about themselves as a couple. And the passion slowly decreases. And the love is not so alive anymore, but rather asleep or even dying.

Without realizing what was happening, we decided to divorce. It was a decision we both agreed with. We saw it as a solution to avoid arguments we were having too often. It was a solution to offer our children a peaceful and pleasant environment where they can develop properly. We thought that if they see us not having an argument will only make them happier. And, of course, we thought that if we do not see each other and do not live together anymore, we would be happier.

It turns out, I regretted getting divorced.

In all the time I spent as a single mom, I have realized that it is more difficult than it seems. Whether most of my time I was busy with my job and keeping my children clean and happy, I was starting to feel lonely. I started to appreciate the support my ex-husband had offered me. I read an article on DivorcedMoms.com which made it obvious for me that I was not the only one who was feeling lonely, sad and angry.

I started to accept my condition as a single mom and I wanted to create my own life. I started running. I started going out with some friends and trying to meet new people. I went through all the stages after divorce until I realized something. I realized that my divorce was a mistake. It was a decision taken under the control of negative emotions. It was a decision taken because of our egos, not because it was the right one. We thought that everything would be ok, and life would be easier if we were separated. While this might be the best decision for some couples, it was not for us.

So, what to do next?

I needed to communicate my feelings with the father of my children. I wanted to let him know what I was thinking and feeling. So, even though we met from time to time because we needed to talk about children, I invited him on a walk in the park. He accepted. After I read an article on DivorcedMoms.com, my strong opinion on why we divorced in the first place was that we lacked communication. It was a nice walk and we both openly communicated about what we thought went wrong. I discovered his perspective on our relationship. I discovered that he is still in love with me, although we did not make time for each other. The time spent without him made me realize the same thing.

We got back together and now we are happier than before. I am so glad that we got through this. Because even if this period was full of sadness, loneliness and low moments, it made me realize something very important. It made me realize that we have forgotten so much about ourselves and our love. And we forgot to communicate, which is the most important thing in a relationship.

What to extract from my personal experience? I have realized that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. And I have realized that in some cases, divorce might be the best solution. But, the most important thing I got aware of is that only time will tell. Only time will tell if it was a good decision to divorce or not.

And if you come to the conclusion that it is not, the best way to approach the situation is communication. You need to think that reconciliation is not as easy as it seems. There are sacrifices and compromises to be made. It is not easy, but if you are willing enough to do it, you can make it.

The post What If, Like Me, You Regret Your Divorce? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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8 Life Lessons You Can Teach Your Kids During Divorce

8 Life Lessons You Can Teach Your Kids During Divorce

One of the most important things you can do is to maintain a good relationship with your children during and after the divorce.

The post 8 Life Lessons You Can Teach Your Kids During Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Science

I love science. 

There’s this wonderful motivational system in our brains, called curiosity. 

When curiosity is satisfied, it feels good, not like other goods, like the taste of food, or a beautiful sunset, or a loving embrace – all wonderful goods – the satisfaction of curiosity has a deep-sort of glow, that… satisfies.  It feels… good when curiosity receives knowledge.

School crushes that out of us, the joy of curiosity’s satisfaction.  It makes knowledge tedious and boring.  It’s a product of trauma, childhood trauma.  Our educational model is called the “Cathedral Schools” model from the 12th Century.  Education was centered around the Cathedral and priests, learning Latin and things.  We still have that model.  I hate it.  We need a complete overhaul of that.

School crushes curiosity, crushes joy in learning and knowledge.

I endured school.  They skipped me a grade, back when I was like six.  I went into the principal’s office and this man gave me a bunch of puzzle stuff (I now recognize the puzzles as the Stanford-Binet, which would have been about right for 1960).  That was at the end of first grade.  At the start of the next year I was in third grade.  I skipped second. 

School was still boring.  It wasn’t the stuff, it was the pace.  Oh my god, soooo slooooow.  And then, in third grade, I’m now a year younger than everyone on the playground.  The education system needs a complete top-to-bottom overhaul of the “Cathedral Schools” model – iSchools.  Bill, Melinda?  Dreamworks?  Pixar?  Universities can provide curriculum for each developmental stage, can you package it for kids please.

I endured school.  My parents were happy with A-B range so I maintained an A-B range without much effort.  My dad went to UCLA, both my brothers went to UCLA, guess where I went?  That was when the intellectual brutalization of our school system began to open up, when I began college.  I remember the thrill of curiosity spring back the first time I held a “Catalogue of Classes” in my hands.  You mean… I could choose?  Anything I wanted?  Really?  Oh my god, that was delight.

So that was pretty fun.  Course content was still pretty easy, but I could wander all over the place – satisfying curiosity.  I wandered in art history, and political science, and biology, and chemistry, and literature, and anthropology, history, sports, all over the place.  It was wonderful.  My major starting as a Freshman was psychology.  I’ve always wanted to be a clinical psychologist – it’s a family thing, understanding, working through, and helping.

So my core line was psychology from the git-go, and I love science.  It satisfies… curiosity.  the deeper the curiosity – the greater that… good feeling… is from knowledge.  It’s like Ben and Jerry’s without the calories, mmmm, that’s rich and tasty knowledge.

With the brain, we build what we use.  If you want to play the piano, what do you do?  You practice, over-and-over again – using the muscles in the patterns, recognizing the sheet music and translating the dots into muscle movement – over-and-over again.  We build what we use.  You begin to get better at playing the piano.  Soon, you’re playing simple songs – use-use-use – practice – then you’re playing better.  We build what we use, the brain circuits and networks.  We sort of “groove in” the neural pathways.

I’ve got a deep groove on curiosity and its satisfaction.  Over and over again, Sumerians, cell biology, quantum physics, origin of human languages, evolution of species, history of Europe, Asia, Africa, America, knowledge, curiosity.  It’s just a nice feeling.

I am a quantum physics junkie, and YouTube is like my crack cocaine of curiosity satisfaction – just straight mainline fixes with all the lectures and documentaries and stuff.

I am NOT a math guy.  I hate math, oh my god.  Back in the “educational” system the math stuff was like torturing me on the Rack for however long they did it to me, hours, days.  Oh, math was awful.  Slide3

Not because I didn’t understand it, but because I did.  Math “class” was essentially doing big long worksheets of problems, oh my god that was torture.  I’d get it by the third problem. Okay, got it. Can we move on please?  No.  What?  You have to do it for an hour. What?  Why? I’ve got it.  Math was just torture. 

With the other classes, at least the information kept coming – slowly – but it was nevertheless coming. Math was just the SAME thing over-and-over on these worksheets.

My Freshman year in college at UCLA (yay, release) I took a calculus course.  UCLA is on the quarter system, I’m living in the dorms on campus first semester away from home, UCLA is on a quick-quick 10-week Quarter system, I’m a Freshman, taking a required math course for the psychology major (calculus-math is needed for statistics knowledge in psychology).  Needless to say, I didn’t do much work… or any work.  Finals came, I hadn’t turned in any homework, my entire course grade rested on the final to pull my grade for the course out of the fire.  I read the calculus textbook the night before the final and got a B, A on the final, B for the course.  It’s math.  Same thing over and over.  What’s the “thing” this time? Okay.  It’s not hard, the same thing every time.  New formulas are just new “things” to do over-and-over.

Those were the days before calculators.  Advanced technology was a slide rule.  Did you see the movie Apollo 13 with all those rocket scientists pulling out their slide rules?

I stopped working at one point in school.  Fourth grade.  I just stopped turning stuff in.  Pretty much everything.  Reports and homework.  I just stopped turning stuff in.  I was a good kid, well-behaved, I didn’t act out or anything. I just stopped participating. That’s what it felt like on my end.  I just wasn’t going to participate anymore.

I remember they had all sorts of parent-teacher conferences, and I talked to the school counselor and stuff.  When my mom asked what was wrong, I said it was really-really boring and I’m just not interested, which was the truth. 

They moved me up again, this time to a fourth-fifth grade combination class, so I was still with some fourth graders developmentally (who were still a year older than me), but I could also be doing the fifth grade curriculum with the other fifth graders in the class.  That helped a lot.

School and I are old-old adversaries.

But I love knowledge and learning – knowledge is the satisfaction of curiosity. When curiosity is strong, the satisfaction is so sweet a feeling.

I fully understand that other people aren’t like that.  Some are, some aren’t. Some enjoy the good-feeling of physical exercise and working out – I understand that good feeling, but it’s not the spot-on one for me.  Couch potato has its good too.  Some people love that good feeling from social bonding, and I know that one too, but again, for me, that’s not my spot-on good one. 

There’s lots of sources of that good feeling, different textures and qualities.  People choose the ones that work for them, kind of trial and error.  For me, curiosity is like a hunger, like a physical hunger for food, but in the brain, in my thinking systems, they want food, knowledge.

And when my curiosity gets knowledge, it’s like a big Thanksgiving turkey dinner and that sleepy full happy feeling.  Ahhhhhh.

Quantum physics is my Thanksgiving dinner, mmmhmm. I put the math in a little package to the side (I basically know what you’re saying but I’m not interested in it at your level, unless I have to – and sometimes it is… but nothing more than necessary on the math, okay. I’m a psychologist, that’s where I live).

Do you know how I relax and unwind? – how I unstress – 

I watch episodes of PBS Space Time. I love that series.

That’s how I relax, watching explanations of physics and cosmology and stuff.  My favorite – and one you most definitely should watch – is entitled:

Are Space and Time an Illusion.  Poof.

But I wander from there.  YouTube is amazing.  I’m old guy.  I grew up with black-and-white television; I Love Lucy and Milton Berle.  And now there’s “YouTube” on my “laptop” – a magical world indeed.  These new phone-video-picture thingies – Harry Potter pictures.  Amazing. 

I have a lot of fun on YouTube.  Have you heard about the Reptoids living at the center of the Earth?  That was in interesting wander into psychotic-land.  YouTube spans Reptoids to Sir Roger Penrose.

Science.  that’s where we’re headed with this court-involved family conflict thing.  To science.  To quantum physics level of science in professional psychology.  Why not?  Is there a reason not to go to the scientific knowledge of professional psychology?

Nope.

I’ve done that with every pathology I’ve worked with, ADHD, autism, trauma, now this.  Did you know there’s research linking gut flora to autism (those little bacteria microbes in your digestive system; they’re called our “gut flora”).  What the dickens do the microbes in our intestines have to do with the brain-based pathology of autism?  Research is there, figure it out.

As a science-based clinical psychologist, I’m heavily into brain neurology and the research on regulatory systems and representational networks of the brain, how they’re organized, how they function, how they’re integrated.

Before I enter with everyone the science world of professional psychology and child development (the neuro-development of the brain and brain systems), I want to set the standard for science. 

Biology as a standard gets messy because we don’t know a lot (they know a lot – but life is sooooo complicated), chemistry is too narrow, math is too narrow (somewhat; but I hate math anyway, so we won’t use math as the standard), history is too vague and open to interpretation.  Science is in Galileo, Newton, Einstein, Feynman. In Maxwell and electricity, in Bohr and the atom, in Hawing and black holes (I hear you, math people; Mysteries of the Mathematical Universe). 

That’s where science is clearly revealed, in the Galileo-Newton-Einstein line.

That’s the standard of science.  So let me share two, what I consider to be required curriculum pieces for all clinical psychologists working with court-involved pathology – these two YouTube videos represent the standard of science – which we will then apply with the scientifically established knowledge of professional psychology.  The child is not a black hole, but science is science. 

This is the standard set by science:

Einstein’s Unfinished Revolution: Lee Smolin public lecture webcast

The Origin of the Universe and the Arrow of Time

I understand that not everyone shares my love of science, some enjoy the good feelings from physical exercise and they work-out, some are filled by the joys of ambition and they succeed and build empires, some enjoy the social joys and they become actors on the stage.  Each of us finds our joy and satisfaction.

Mine is science.  Science is truth.  It can answer from the origins, to the end, and all things between.  From galaxies and the Hubble telescope, to genetics and medical miracles, personal phones and the Internet of information.  Science seeks truth, and solutions are found in the application of science – in the application of scientific knowledge – in the application of the scientific method.

Science is lively with debate – about data.  String theory does not produce a provable-disprovable prediction – is is worthy of interest?  Science enjoys debate.  Look at this picture of science. Amazing.  There’s Einstein and Bohr, and Max Planck, Marie Curie, Dirac, and Heisenberg (not quite sure if he’s there, he’s there but you can’t tell exactly where).wallpaper-2260834

The story surrounding of this conference is amazing, Einstein and Bohr debating every day, Einstein offers a problem to quantum physics every morning, Bohr an answer every evening. This is the standard of science.

That’s what a professional conference looks like.

Do you know what the current interpretation of the data in quantum physics is called?  The Copenhagen interpretation.  This conference picture of an all-star physics line-up came from the conferences that brought the Copenhagen interpretation into mainstream.

Denmark.  In the solution we are creating for this court-involved family conflict pathology – why isn’t Denmark leading in the application of science?  Attachment, complex trauma, personality disorders, family systems therapy – and – the neurological development of the brain within the parent-child relationship.  Science.  Current science in professional psychology and child development.  Why isn’t Denmark – the origin for the Copenhagen interpretation in quantum physics – leading in the application of psychological science with children?

I recently traveled to the Netherlands to present.  The Netherlands is home of Gerard t’Hooft, a world-leading physicist.  Why isn’t the Netherlands matching their scientific knowledge in physics to their application of scientific knowledge with children?  England has produced Niels Bohr, Paul Dirac, and Stephen Hawking in physics, and yet doesn’t apply the scientific knowledge from psychology to solution with their own children. Why not?

Because they don’t care about children.  Trauma.  Our neglect of children is the ripple of out own childhood trauma.  Read deMause on the history of childhood, and Robin Grille’s book, Parenting for a Peaceful World based on the work of deMause.

The history of childhood is the history of child abuse.  Did you know that?  Probably not.  No one cares.  That’s called the bystander role in childhood trauma – the ones who don’t care, who don’t look, who don’t see.  An awful feeling, isn’t it.  That’s the feeling of children abandoned to child abuse.  You should learn more about the history of childhood.  We’ve been abusing children for so long, and so frightfully, violence and sexual abuse, right up to.. today.

I don’t expect everyone to have my love of science.  But science is the source of truth, and the application of scientific knowledge and the scientific method is the source of solutions.  For everything.

Including court-involved complex family conflict surrounding divorce.  Science: the neuro-development of the brain during childhood, regulatory and representational networks, complex trauma and the attachment system. 

Science. The foundation to solution.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857

 

 

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How to Handle an Angry Ex During Divorce

How to Handle an Angry Ex During Divorce

Out of all the emotions that can arise between exes during divorce, perhaps the hardest one to deal with is anger.

The post How to Handle an Angry Ex During Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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How to Get a Low-Cost Divorce: The Definitive Guide (2019)

How to Get a Low-Cost Divorce: The Definitive Guide (2019)

Learn how to arrange a cheap and quick divorce, free of regrets

The post How to Get a Low-Cost Divorce: The Definitive Guide (2019) appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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narcissistic, challenging or high conflict ex

10 Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic, Challenging Or High Conflict Ex

narcissistic, challenging or high conflict ex

 

One of the most crucial things to keep in mind post-divorce when you were married to a narcissist or challenging person is to set good boundaries and abandon any thought of co-parenting successfully.

If one of the reasons why your marriage ended was due to your spouse being a narcissist, you probably hoped that things would get better for you and your children after your divorce. Perhaps one of the biggest disappointments might be that co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-spouse doesn’t work any better than being married to him or she did.

While co-parenting is advised by experts as an optimal situation for a child’s well-being after divorce, attempting to do so with an ex who has a high conflict personality or a personality disorder is usually unsuccessful. In most cases, an amicable relationship can’t be achieved between parents and parallel parenting is the only paradigm that should be attempted.

Parallel Parenting

Many parents don’t realize that there is an alternative to co-parenting when their ex is high conflict or has narcissistic traits. During a recent conversation with Briana, she shared her insights about the hazards of co-parenting with her former spouse who was challenging and self-centered.

Briana put it like this: “Justin made our life miserable after the divorce. He was argumentative, controlling, and late picking up our kids – or worse he’d cancel at the last minute, or not show up.”

During our conversation, I explained a solution for parents who want to co-parent with an ex who is narcissistic or challenging.  According to Dr. Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “Parallel Parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner.”

Truth be told, parallel parenting allows parents to remain disengaged with one another (and have a parenting plan) while they remain close to their children. For instance, they remain committed to making responsible decisions (medical, education, etc.) but decide on the logistics of day-to-day parenting separately.

10 strategies for dealing with a narcissistic, challenging, or high conflict ex:

1. Accept that co-parenting is not in the best interest of all children – especially when one of their parents is high conflict, self-centered, or lacks empathy.

2. Don’t tolerate demeaning or abusive behavior from your ex and be sure that you and your children feel safe. This might mean having a close friend or family member on hand when you talk to your former partner. If you plan for the worst (and don’t expect that your ex will have moved on or be caring) you’ll be less likely to be blindsided by his/her attempts to control or get back at you. Be sure to save all abusive emails and text messages. Don’t respond to them since this can perpetuate more abuse.

3. Limit your contact with your ex and try not to take calls from them when your children are nearby. It can be very hurtful to them to hear you and your ex argue – especially about them.

4. Set firm boundaries for your kids. Since their life with their other parent is unpredictable, you will have to provide stability. High-conflict personalities thrive on the possibility of combat. Be prepared and write a script to use when talking to him/her and try to stick with it, using as few words as possible. For instance, if he/she tries to persuade you to change the parenting plan, say something like: “I’m not comfortable with this idea. I’m sure you have good intentions but this won’t work for me.”

5. Be the parental role model your kids need to thrive. Show compassion toward your children and don’t bad-mouth their other parent in their presence. Children are vulnerable to experiencing loyalty conflicts and shouldn’t be in the middle between their parents. Be aware of your tone and facial expressions during interactions with your ex in front of your kids.

6. Keep your eye on the big picture in terms of your children’s future. Although it’s stressful trying to co-parent or even parallel parent with a difficult ex, it’s probably in the best interest of your children. Adopt realistic expectations and pat yourself on the back for working at this challenging relationship for your kids.

7. Focus on the only thing you can control – your behavior! You alone are responsible for your reactions to your ex’s comments and behavior. But don’t be persuaded by your ex to do something that you’re uncomfortable with just to keep the peace. Adopt a business-like “Just the facts, ma’am” style of communicating with him/her.

8. Don’t express genuine emotion to your ex or apologize for wrongdoing in the relationship.  If your ex is a perilous or abusive narcissist, they might interpret your apology as proof of your incompetence and use it against you, according to Virginia Gilbert, MFT.

9. Make sure you have a parenting plan that is structured and highly specific – spelling out schedules, holidays, vacations, etc. to minimize conflict. Using a communication notebook to share important details with your ex can be an essential tool and help you stay detached and business-like.

10. Do accept help from counselors, mediators, or other helping professionals. Make sure you have plenty of support from a lawyer, friends, family, and a therapist. Use a third party mediator when needed. Educate yourself about strategies to deal with a difficult or high-conflict ex. Therapists who utilize cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are usually the most successful dealing with survivors of a relationship with an ex who has a personality disorder.

Under the best circumstances, co-parenting is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents – to feel close to both of their parents. Experts agree that the outcomes for children of divorce improve when they have positive bonds with both parents. These include better psychological and behavioral adjustment and enhanced academic performance. However, few experts discuss the drawbacks of co-parenting when one parent is hands-off, has a high conflict personality; or a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

However, it’s crucial that you take an honest look at the effect your ex’s behaviors and the dynamics in your relationship are having on you and your children. Once you accept that you can only control your own behavior – not a person with a difficult or high conflict personality – your life will greatly improve. After all, you and your children deserve to have a life filled with love and happiness!

Follow Terry Gaspard on TwitterFacebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry is pleased to announce the publication of Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-lasting Relationship (Sourcebooks).

The post 10 Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic, Challenging Or High Conflict Ex appeared first on Divorced Moms.



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How to Have a Good Divorce: Tips to Help You Through the Process

How to Have a Good Divorce: Tips to Help You Through the Process

As you navigate the process, the following suggestions may assist you in making it a bit more graceful.

The post How to Have a Good Divorce: Tips to Help You Through the Process appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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letting go

Letting Go: The Prerequisite for Healing From Divorce

letting go

 

Your marriage is on the rocks and you’ve done your best to save it.

You have been doing the work. After careful reflection, you realize that things don’t look good.

You have worked on improving yourself, gone through counseling, but things between you and your husband are not any better, and the marriage is not likely to work out long term.

What next?

Make peace with your situation, learn your lessons and let go.

The importance of letting go!

Hanging on is inevitably going to bring you additional disappointment and will stop you from beginning a new life.

Dr. Wayne Dyer said that “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Looking at your marriage in a different light breaks the chains that bind you and opens up a world of possibility.

Attachment to anything, person or outcome brings suffering, because losing it, or just the fear of losing it, makes you unhappy.

The important lesson here is that you cannot move forward until you make peace with the situation you are currently in and let go of the attachments. Attachments to what happened, to what you think should have happened, to what never happened. Attachments to the man he was, to the man he is not, to the man you hoped he’d be.

Resisting “what is” is the root of suffering. Simply stated, you cannot receive blessings if your hands are tied up hanging on to baggage. As long as you hold on to the disappointments, mistakes, and hurts of the past, you won’t be able to accept a future of unlimited possibility.

Likewise, self-recrimination and regret in no way will change what has happened in the past, and also needs to be released. Living trapped in a space of regret over the things you did, the things you didn’t do or the opportunities missed will not bring you peace nor heal what’s wrong in your relationship.

Make peace with your situation and release it.

Letting Go of Dreams

You need to let go of the dreams and hopes you created around your relationship with your husband, and instead, open the door to new opportunities that can come into your life only if you are emotionally free and receptive.

It is a hard thing to do, I know. For me, it was hard to imagine a new life, and I was paralyzed by fears of the unknown. I couldn’t imagine dating other men or giving up on the future I had envisioned for myself. It is alien to conceive of a new life when you are still hung up on what could have been or, more importantly, what you think “should have been.”

But if I hadn’t made the move, I might still be stuck in a bitter marriage, with all the lack and limitation that came with living with my ex-husband. And because I was finally able to let go, I opened the way to a new life, with a new husband and blessings I never imagined.

Letting Go of Wrongs

Similarly, it is just as easy to hang on to the wrongs done and embellish them with thoughts of revenge. But what good is it? I know a woman who is still seething over her ex-husband’s infidelities. And guess what? He has moved on. He has a new love in his life while she is alone with her anger. Wouldn’t it be more productive to direct that energy towards creating a life of bliss for herself where her ex-husband is not even a thought?

When you fixate on what’s wrong, you won’t notice anything else around you, including what’s good and worthy.

Letting Go of the Past

Make no mistake…the past is over and done and cannot be changed. Dr. Wayne Dyer advised to let go of the notion that you can have a better past. How true. Take one last look at what happened, reflect on the lessons learned and don’t look back. The future is ahead. Free your hands from baggage and make room for the blessings that await you.

Letting Go of Your Mistakes

Perhaps, at some level, you feel guilty for some conduct you have engaged in that caused harm to your spouse or your relationship. We all make mistakes. Can you forgive yourself for your mistakes? Can you ask for forgiveness for those mistakes? Are you willing to make amends?

There is no benefit to living with regret and self-recrimination. Seek forgiveness, make amends where feasible and release the charge of past mistakes. Forgiving yourself and looking to the future with the resolve not to repeat these mistakes is the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

Letting Go of Attachments

You are not served either by an attachment to an unlikely script in which you and your husband live happily ever after. It feels comfortable and familiar to cling to a fantasy in which your husband is the perfect husband, not the tormentor who makes your life miserable.

But, if you’ve done everything possible on your end, living that script would require him to change. And you cannot change him. You can only change yourself.

Accepting the limitations of your husband and your relationship is the first step you can take to propel you to start over.

Accepting and Blessing What Is

If, after careful reflection, you conclude that your marriage is not working, and most likely never will, you need to accept it and move on.

Life is not going to happen until you recognize that this relationship is not the path to happiness you envisioned. To the happiness that you deserve.

Once you come to terms with it, you can objectively view your marriage as a stepping stone that got you to where you are now. It is your springboard to the future, all the wiser for it, grateful for all its lessons and character-building opportunities.

You attracted your husband into your life for a reason. Reframe your situation and learn to see him as a teacher who taught you a lesson necessary for your personal evolution. Be grateful for the lessons and thank your husband in your mind. Then release your husband and your marriage and bless them both with love.

It is now time to heal. The best is yet to come.

The post Letting Go: The Prerequisite for Healing From Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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i kicked divorce stress to the curb

How I Kicked Divorce Stress To The Curb

i kicked divorce stress to the curb

 

The dreaded divorce, it finally happened. While that wasn’t the best time of my life (not by far), there are a few great things that came out of it. My entire life I battled with stress and anxiety and the issues escalated during my divorce.

However, separation from my husband also gave me the time and will to tackle my mental health problems and kick stress to the curb. There were some activity and sporting attempts that failed for me, but others hit the spot head on!

I kicked divorce stress to the curb with the following activities.

Meditate on it

The first thing I tried during my battle with stress was meditation. There are so many amazing benefits this practice can bring you—it helps with stress, anxiety, worry, and depression. Through meditation, one can find peace of mind, return to balance and stay in the present. It’s overall great for mental health as well as panic attacks. Now that I know a few meditation techniques, as soon as I feel panic creeping in, I know how to control it and prevent it from escalating.

Boxing

Boxing is an activity that truly saved my life after divorce! I was looking for something that would help me banish the stress (and anger) out of my body and keep me fit in the process—I certainly found what I was looking for. And don’t be intimidated by the fact that boxing and other martial arts are predominately male sports. There are wonderful programs that concentrate only on women and girls, so you can feel completely safe.

But, make sure to keep a few things in mind before attending boxing classes for girls, such as equipment, warm-ups, cooldowns and various techniques that await you. Luckily, you can find plenty of info online, so you’ll be 100% prepared. However, nothing can prepare you for the sense of relaxation and satisfaction you’ll feel after your first sparring—it’s so therapeutic! Plus, the community is amazing and very supportive.

Run your way to stress relief

Another thing I tried in order to get that stress, negative energy and tension out of my body is running. Running is a great way to sweat it all out and it really helps with sleep. It’s especially beneficial to run outdoors in nature and fresh air. While I still do it periodically to keep me in shape for my boxing classes, running just wasn’t an activity for me. Honestly, if find it a bit boring. What can I say, I’m a social person!

Get Zen with yoga

Yoga is still a huge part of my life, even though I concentrate on boxing more. It’s just such a great tool that not only helps people relax but it also relieves anxiety and minimizes sleep issues connected to stress. Plus, it’s much harder and physically demanding than you might think! It activates every part of your body and keeps your mind in balance. While I prefer something more high-paced, yoga will surely help many of you out there battling with stress.

Hit the beach

Or your local swimming pool and do some laps. What’s great about swimming is that it’s perfect for all ages, all fitness levels and even for people with joint and mobility issues (it’s very low-impact). While you’re in the water, you allow your brain a break that provides clearer thinking. However, swimming is not exactly a social sport, so if you’re looking for a way to meet new people and have fun while working out, pick something else (boxing, seriously, try it now!)

While my divorce ended a few years ago, I still struggle with a few things and get that oh-so-familiar nausea in my stomach when I think about it. Luckily, I’m no longer a slave to my stress and while it’s still there, I manage it a thousand times better thanks to these amazing activities. Go give them a shot today!

The post How I Kicked Divorce Stress To The Curb appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Divorce: It’s Hard to Say Goodbye to The Memories

Divorce: It’s Hard to Say Goodbye to The Memories

Divorce turns you into strangers with shared memories.

The post Divorce: It’s Hard to Say Goodbye to The Memories appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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