San Jose Family Court:  Christmas  Protest During Hanukkah

Parents ignored Judge Lucas’ FAKE  Order as they blasted the San Jose Family Court with Megaphones , Picket Signs  and Christmas decorations in an effort to bring media attention to how California Courts are harming families. 

When the parents  left, on the last day of Hanukkah, they left a decorated  Christmas Tree filled with ornaments in memory of children who were killed, committed suicide or taken from their parents because of family court judges and corrupt divorce lawyers. 

These parents have been protesting the courts for months. Often led by Scott Largent and Michelle Chan with mighty megaphones, the parents are not backing down on getting their voices heard and media attention to the courts. 

Scott Largent was arrested last May for using a toy megaphone in the exact location of Monday’s protest,  but Santa Clara County Sheriffs have reportedly backed off as Sherriff Laurie Smith refuses to enforce what many believe is an unconstitutional order issued by Judge Lucas to silence protesters during the Persky recall. 

Judge Persky was recalled in June 2018 and is now trying to get donations to pay legal fees that are a fraction of what many parents paid to get divorced in his court. 

Meanwhile, lawyers inside and out of the courthouse have become aware of criminal investigations that could get many divorce lawyers disbarred and judges removed from the bench after a link to Judge James Towery and DA Jeff Rosen reveals pressure on the San Jose Mercury to not cover family court issues date back to Rosen’s 2010 election. 

Michael Lazarin was present at the protest, as he continues to fight to raise awareness related to issues involving domestic violence, which impacted his biological daughter, Audrie Pott, who committed suicide in 2012.

Lazarin has been legally abused by Lisa and Larry Pott. the greedy evil step parents of Audrie, who made a fortune off the young girl’s death. Many  in  the upscale Los Gatos community believe Lisa and Larry  used Audrie’s  death for greed and profit. 

Sheila Pott , Audrie’s mother,  is reportedly being investigated for tax fraud and criminal charges related to claims she  assisted in an unreported campaign donation to Jeff Rosen through here real estate lending career. The Potts reportedly used private lawyer Robert Allard to arrange illegal  payments to Rosen that were not properly reported during Rosen’s 2014 campaign for re-election as Santa Clara County District Attorney. 

Also present at the protest were family members of Alycia Mesiti,  the young girl whose mother and aunts could not afford to protect her in family court, where Judge Persky and Judge Chiarello   refused to follow the law and gave custody of Mesiti. and her brother. to their father, despite his criminal history of abuse and refusal to pay the most basic child support. 

Several protestors had been victimized by divorce attorneys Heather Allan, Hector Moreno, BJ Faden, Jessica Huey, Valerie Houghton, Walter Hammon, Leah Amini, Elise Mitchell, Sharon Roper  and Bradford Baugh, lawyers who are currently being investigated  RICO activity where they obtain court orders to send kids to supervised visitation centers or reunification camps where many local judges and lawyers have a financial interest.  

The protest included both mothers and fathers who are united  in exposing family court corruption where  greedy divorce lawyers are appointed to represent children, and fail. And where corrupt judges use  Kids for Cash to the lawyer with the most cash and favors. 

California’s Judicial Council has tried to silence these protestors for decades. Rumor has it they are frustrated the parents in Santa Clara County, the county that just recalled Judge Arron Persky,  simply will not go away. 



Yes, Your Divorce Judge Is A Crook, and So Is Your Divorce Lawyer- Get the Photos- Troll Facebook

​Yep that is the sound of injustice as Judge Pegg openly flits with  Jim Hoover while tossing him more money in fee awards, or as Rebekah Frye sucks up to LaDoris Cordell,  while having affairs with clients and telling them ” can’t go to the cops because WE own the Los Gatos PD”,

Judge Hayashi is from Los Gatos and was secretly recorded at the home of a high tech exec  on Daves Avenue, agreeing to kickback rulings in domestic violence cases that are favorable to the powerful in Silicon Valley.

Santa Clara County has been rigging divorce  and domestic violence cases for over 20 years, and the District Attorney is in on it. 

Victims have been ignored when they can’t hire the ” right” lawyer, while abusers who hire lawyers like Hector Moreno, Marilyn Moreno , Bradford  Baugh, Frye and Lynne Yates Cater can get away with anything in Santa Clara Family Courts. 

Parents who have been arrested and jailed for not paying child support, for not turning their child over at a certain time in a created custody war are often shocked to find that what should be a simple divorce can turn into a financially crippling court proceeding that can drag out for 10 years, and that can land them in jail. 

Judges who regularly violate due process rights to take money from children do so with the blessing of Santa Clara County District Attorney Jeff Rosen, whose wife is a judge in the family local court. These judges socialize at a local fraternity called the Inns of Court with lawyers like Hector Moreno, whose son is employed in the DA;s office. 


Orange County voters finally recalled their corrupt DA. His replacement, Tony Spitzer,  is the sponsor  of Megan’s  Law , and  he is reportedly focusing initial efforts on CPS as well as  the lawyers and judges who have been harming children in the local family courts. 

In Santa Clara County the corruption runs so deep it can be seen through the misconduct of Allison Filo, a prosecutor who failed in a DV prosecution where she colluded with divorce attorney Bradford Baugh to prosecute for political reasons. Or John Chase, the Public Integrity DDA who regularly gives lawyers and judges a free pass. 

Moreno and Rosen are two government lawyers who have been letting lawyers and judges off the hook for criminal activity. while working to silence parents who are flagged as ” troublemakers”. 

When complaints to the Commission on Judicial Performance , or the State Bar are filed, the Santa Clara County DA  begins pressing criminal charges to wear out the complaining party.

Protesters who appeared at the front of the family courthouse last June, were targeted by judges and the court’s lawyer, Lisa Herrick, as the recall campaign of Judge Persky ramped up during the primary elections. 

Rosen, whose own campaign saw $1 million dollar donation disappear is known to be throwing out complaints against local judges and lawyers to help his own political aspirations. A mole from the Santa Clara County Sheriffs Department has reported that Rosen tried to intervene with the election of Sherriff Laurie Smith, who has called out bad judges and bailiffs acting in family law cases, which Rosen has refused to investigated. 

Parents are being encouraged to take photos  and recordings of judges and lawyers misbehaving on Facebook, in public and at local bars. Judges may not be worried about getting in trouble from state watchdogs, or the local DA, but they have  been very bothered about information appearing on social media sites like this one. 

Keep sending photos and recordings to :



Travis County Texas Family Court Corruption

Travis County Texas Family Court Corruption

Victims discuss Domestic Violence by Proxy, Abusive Litigation, Parents Being Unnecessarily Denied Access to Their Children, and other important topics:

Host Mike Lee and guests discuss the problems and challenges caused by legal and other professionals of the family law legal complex. They shared personal and professional experiences of the participants and reveal that more problems may be created rather than solved by these professionals. The discussion will suggest that financial gain and self-interest rather than the best interests of the children drive the reality of family law legal injustice. These complexities often negate the best interests of the children.

If you have issues that you feel are unjustified or corrupt please email

Professionals of interest are:

Dr Alissa Sherry / Legal Consensus

The Family Courts Are Anti Family- Corruption Must Be Exposed

Each year hundreds of parents of small children walk into the Family Court in New Rochelle and file petitions claiming that the other parent, usually the father, has inflicted some kind of harm on their child when in fact it is not true.The children are usually from five to ten years old. The parent who files goes before Judge Nilda Morales Horowitz who has fixed several cases and got caught with no punishment. She gives the parent advise. Gets Child UnProtective Services involved, The County Attorneys Office and Victims Assistance and assumes the defendant is guilty.

Read More —>  The Family Courts Are Anti Family- Corruption Must Be Exposed

divorce to do list

Do You Keep a “To Do List?” If You’re Rebuilding After Divorce You Should!

divorce to do list

When rebuilding after divorce focus on what’s important for you and your family and what will give you space and time to heal.


One of the ways in which I organize my life is to make to-do lists and when I was rebuilding after divorce, I knew I needed a list that would help me to stay focused and on task. When you’ve been hurt and feel disoriented, it’s often difficult to keep track of what needs to get done, especially when you have children, a household and a business to manage.

I remember sitting down one evening, pen and paper in hand (yes, I’m old fashioned like that) and making myself a list of the things I needed in order to manage all the things in my life; it wasn’t easy but I got through it.

The reason why it wasn’t easy for me was because I already felt very overwhelmed by what had happened to me and, everything that came to my attention and needed taking care of on top of the things I was dealing with, felt like a ton of bricks piling up on my shoulders.

When you’re going through a major break-up, the last thing you need is to think about what else needs taking care of. Would making this list add to that feeling of being overwhelmed? Turns out, it actually helped me to see what I needed to get done now and what could wait. It put things into perspective for me and it ultimately allowed me to maintain my sanity when problems came up.

In no particular order, here is the list of things I had on my to-do list when rebuilding after divorce:

  • Find a handyman you can call when you need help with a project around the house. I consider myself pretty hands-on when it comes to home projects but I also knew I had tons of other things I needed to pay attention to. Having the name and number of someone I could contact if and when I needed help gave me some peace of mind. It also meant I didn’t have to ask my ex to help anymore when I needed a second pair of hands. He was always willing to help but I also wanted to be more independent now that he had left.
  • In addition to the handyman, have the name and number of an electrician and plumber. We all know the expression, “When it rains, it pours” and a few weeks after my ex had left, I had to deal with a few plumbing and electrical issues.
  • Along the same lines as the items listed above, find a mechanic. When your car breaks down or you need to bring your car in for maintenance, having the name and number of a trusted mechanic can give you peace of mind.
  • Find someone who can help you clean your house. I often prided myself on being able to clean the house by myself but when you’re emotionally taxed, coming home to a clean house does wonders for the soul. Again, this is all about finding ways to get help and focus on the priorities in your life: healing, spending time with your children, work, etc.
  • Get your own bank account and start to manage your finances. Ask for help if you need to figure out how to set up various accounts (e.g., savings, retirement, emergency fund, etc). I reached out to a local mompreneur group where I live and sure enough, I found a fellow mom who could give me professional advice on how to manage my finances and help me to understand my options.
  • Child care. I hired a mother’s helper a few times a week because sometime, I just couldn’t handle the kids on my own. I needed to retreat and take care of myself and when the babysitter arrived, I was able to get some alone time in my bedroom and know the kids were taken care of.
  • Reorganize your living space. For me, I found it extremely therapeutic to go through my closet and toss anything I didn’t want anymore. I also walked through my home one evening, after the kids had gone to bed, and tried to find ways to make the house my own. Sometimes re-organizing the furniture and the decorations you already have go a long way. I also found that going to discount stores or IKEA and buying decorations and accent furniture really helped to make my space my own and it lifted my spirits.
  • As a mom who works from home, I made a point of keeping a morning schedule for myself. I often found that I would get the kids up and going in the morning and then after dropping them off at school, I would go back to bed or sit somewhere trying to figure out how I would spend my day. It was awful. When I started to get myself ready for the day by taking a shower, applying some make-up and getting dressed, I felt my mood shift. Along those lines, I made a point of scheduling something for myself right after the kids had been dropped off. That way, I had somewhere to go and it made me feel good about myself.

Finally, the most important piece of advice I could give to anyone trying to get themselves back on their feet is: show kindness to yourself and allow yourself to feel this experience and to tell yourself it’s okay if it doesn’t all get done. Focus on what’s important for you and your family and what will give you space and time to heal.

The post Do You Keep a “To Do List?” If You’re Rebuilding After Divorce You Should! appeared first on Divorced Moms.


“Splitting Up Together” Shows Us the Pros And Cons Of Bird Nesting

“Splitting Up Together” Shows Us the Pros And Cons Of Bird Nesting

If you’ve ever considered bird nesting or just want to watch a TV show representing divorced family life, check out the ABC comedy Splitting Up Together!

If you’ve ever considered bird nesting with your ex following divorce, then Splitting Up Together on ABC is the “exhibit A” you need to consult to help wrap your mind around that concept! The show, which debuted this March under the care of producer, Ellen DeGeneres, is an American adaptation of a Danish TV show, and follows the story of Lena and Martin (played by Jenna Fischer and Oliver Hudson), parents of three young children.

For those of you not familiar with bird nesting, it is the practice of continuing to share a home with one’s ex after divorce. Unlike typical divorces where the children alternate between homes, in this situation, the kids remain in their home, and the parents rotate in and out. The children never have to vacate their own bedroom or familiar surroundings and only go without the presence of one parent at-a-time, according to their visitation plan.

Many of us couldn’t imagine continuing to be in that close of proximity to the one we divorced, yet many child development experts praise bird nesting as a creative solution to co-parenting because it causes the least disruption to the children when their parents can no longer be married. It may be a child-centric dream, but it’s hard to imagine the logistics of it for most situations.

In the case of Lena and Martin, they happen to have a garage which has been mostly finished into an apartment. It lacks in air conditioning and some of the comforts of the main home; but, allows the adults to have a place to live when it’s not their turn with the children. For divorced people like the Splitting Up Together duo who are fortunate enough to have a guest house, finished basement, or move-in ready garage, it’s not a bad idea.

What about the rest of us?

Very few of us could afford to rent a second residence for our off week, whether shared with our ex or not, while continuing to contribute to the rent or mortgage of the family home. Even fewer could afford to maintain two separate living quarters for our time away from the kids. Personally, I would have a hard time coming “home” to my ex’s bachelor pad after he’s had a week of sexcapades and pizza binging. He wouldn’t help maintain our home while we were married, so I certainly wouldn’t expect him to do so now, and I’m no longer game for picking up his pizza boxes and dirty socks!

Lena and Martin had ground rules in place about passing off each living area to the other, so we don’t see too much strife between them about messes and so on; however, some of the typical co-parenting frustrations exist such as inconsistencies between the two about chores and responsibilities of the children, discipline, and so on. The close proximity of their living quarters also creates uncertainty about when to involve the other about such things as a child’s fever or sensitive puberty issues.

Is it ever okay to just barge in the family home on your week off to ask a question or share a concern or bother them on their week off? What if she has a date staying over? What if he just wants to be trusted to take care of a situation himself? Some of these questions are the same for us no matter what our visitation arrangement, I, for one, like to think of myself as “on duty” whether my kids are with me or not; yet, I respect the fact that my ex has the right to individual time with the kids, just as I do!

One thing that becomes very clear about bird nesting from watching the show is the need for boundaries. In many cases, we need to know when to be flexible (such as when the heat of summer hit and the garage was no longer habitable, prompting the characters to agree to share the main house for the summer). In many other circumstances, it becomes necessary to define what is and is not acceptable to maintain peace, privacy, and the need for each member of the partnership to heal and begin to form their own identity as a single person.

Is bird nesting realistic?

I have always contended that once the co-parents begin to develop other serious relationships, the arrangement will become stickier. How many of our dates would want to bounce in and out of our two residences, and will new partners be allowed to stay in the main home with the kids? This situation would be awkward, at best, and something that would have to be carefully planned through. What happens if one of the parents eventually remarries and wants to reside with their new spouse full time? Will nesting even be a possibility anymore?

New relationships and dating are likely to be some of the most contentious issues faced by bird nesters, as demonstrated by Lena and Martin. Martin becomes jealous after witnessing a sexual encounter between his former wife and a new partner, and Lena lets her mind go wild with speculation after seeing a female regularly visit her ex in the garage. Nesting turns up the volume on feelings of jealousy or possible unresolved romantic feelings when dates take place in one’s own property instead of across town!

I don’t know any divorced folks co-hosting pina colada parties in the backyard, but maybe I missed my chance at the fun by not bird nesting. Time will only tell how well Lena and Martin weather the challenges of divorce, co-parenting, and bird nesting while continuing to shack up together. While bird nesting is something to consider, it is full of unique challenges that most co-parents do not have to overcome; therefore, anyone considering it has a lot to talk about in order to make it work!

Splitting Up Together makes post-divorce parenting look rather easy compared to what I know of most situations. Perhaps they’re more evolved as co-parents, but I suspect that some Hollywood magic and the fact that this couple probably just needed marriage counseling is what makes it work so well for them. The removal of some of the stress and expectations of married life seems to have created a newfound sense of appreciation for one another and regret for the loss of the marriage. There are some genuine issues that need to be worked through, but I have to wonder if divorce was ever their answer?

I have respect for anyone who can make nesting work, which is why I regret to say that, in my own life, I feel it would be a life sentence of dealing with the same issues that plagued my marriage and drove us to divorce. I predict that, in my own life, bird nesting would equate to an eternal prison of cleaning up after someone I can no longer stand and getting horrible sleep in a garage where I cuddle up to his power tools and the lawnmower. No thanks.

My personal jury is still out on the viability of bird nesting, but this show may change my mind on that as I watch the characters play out many more post-divorce situations. Meanwhile, I will continue to watch simply because it’s refreshing to see representation of a divorced family and all the issues we go through!


The post “Splitting Up Together” Shows Us the Pros And Cons Of Bird Nesting appeared first on Divorced Moms.


parental alienation

What I Learned About Parental Alienation When I Was Alienated From My Children

parental alienation

There should be no doubts as to the very real existence of parental alienation syndrome. A rose by any other name is still a rose.


Shortly after my divorce was final my ex started a systematic brainwashing of my children. For her, divorce was unacceptable and when I chose to leave our problem-riddled marriage she viewed it as me abandoning the family as a whole. And, she made it her job to make sure our children felt the same way she did. Within a year of our final decree, neither of my 3 children would see or communicate with me.

My children were my life and, being unwilling to do without them in my life I started researching and learning everything I could about parental alienation. Below is a bit of what I’ve come to believe about PAS, the parent who alienates and what needs to be done in such situations.

I’m happy to say that, with the help of an outstanding therapist, an educated family court judge and a psychiatric evaluation of myself and my ex wife, within two years I had my children back in my life. Some, though, aren’t as lucky as I and can end up alienated from their children for life.

No child or parent (mother or father) should ever have to live the horror of alienation at the hands of a personality disordered ex.

The best way to prevent the abuse of parental alienation is to have all families where there is a conflict issue go through specialized, court-ordered counseling with a parental alienation specialist. Or, at least someone with a high success rate who specializes in working with families in grief management, anger management, and impulse control.

Why these specialties? Because in 99% of the cases of PAS (parental alienation syndrome), the alienating parent may be borderline narcissistic. They have extremely low self-esteem and believe they have to be perfect or they are not loveable. And if they are not loveable, then they will be abandoned. And this is their biggest fear, being abandoned.

For this reason, they will do anything to make sure that they are seen as the perfect and only parent for the children. You can add to this the fact that they are stuck in the anger stage of the grieving process of divorce and cannot move forward. They constantly project their issues and anger onto and through the children or what I call Borderless Boundaries. These parents need help to grieve properly as do the children.

It is imperative that proper parental alienation education and training be provided to divorce attorneys, counselors, therapists, child agencies as well as to the family court and judges.

Without proper education and awareness, the damages caused by aligning the children with only one parent will be horrific and permanent.

Children have the right to both parents in their lives. There is no room for false allegations and contempt of court orders. The courts need to start penalizing for these transgressions. Until this is done, families will continue to be ripped apart and the children made to suffer.

Regrettably, this suggestion MAY serve to help only the PAS child, someday but not immediately. It may have no impact in facilitating the reunification between a parent and their child, at least not initially. This may offer only the hope that your legacy to your child will be aware of the truth.

Many knowledgeable professionals have likened parental alienation to cult indoctrination.

But this issue is immeasurably more insidious: whereas victims of cult indoctrination are not initially in a dependency relationship with the cult leader and therefore had the option to reject the indoctrinator, children are very much dependent upon their brainwashing parent.

Because of the dependency needs of children, resisting the alienating parent, who is generally but NOT ALWAYS, the residential parent, can be terrifying to them. So as despicable as these children treat their targeted/alienated parent, they have no good options for escaping this dysfunctional family dynamic.

They are in a no-win situation, a double bind, a catch 22. Their situation is crazy-making, which explains why the psychiatrists who eventually founded the family therapy movement in the 1950s first observed ON THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD the characteristic family dynamic of parental alienation syndrome.

Child psychiatrist, Murray Bowen, had labeled this dynamic as the “Pathological Triangle.” He was so convinced as to the detrimental effects on children of this dysfunctional coalition between one parent and a child to the minimization and disengagement of the other parent, that when he hospitalized the child, he also hospitalized the entire nuclear family!

Yes, although it is accurate to credit child psychiatrist, Richard Gardner, to have first labeled this family dynamic as PAS, the family dynamic has nonetheless been observed and systematically documented by psychiatrists/family therapists for more than 60 years.

For the naysayers, like Janet Johnston, Joan Kelly, Stephanie Dallam of the Supervised Family Network, there should be no doubts as to the very real existence of parental alienation syndrome. A rose by any other name is still a rose.

The post What I Learned About Parental Alienation When I Was Alienated From My Children appeared first on Divorced Moms.



Judge Persky Recalled: Victims Issue Final Word

                  Do Judges Hear the Victims Yet?


​James McManis has profited from the rape culture in Santa Clara County for years, and he was the major donor for the No on Persky Recall Campaign that went down in flames on June 5th is Santa Clara County. 

​On one side of the recall where judges and lawyers who vowed to keep the “independence ‘ of the judiciary. This side was led by former Santa Clara County judge La Doris Cordell, who was not very nice to the protestors on the other side, showing the judge culture still runs deep in her veins. 

​On the other side, the Recall Persky side,  were moms, a few dads,  and an army on social media. An army that is  fed up with a judiciary that was anything other than impartial and independent. An army La Doris Cordell and the aging judiciary were ill prepared to face in a local election. 
​                                                       POOR PERSKY? NOT ! 

​Yes, Persky had a family. Yes, Persky was a nice guy. Yes, Persky was one of the county’s smartest and best judges, but Judge Aaron Persky was still part of a Judge Culture that voters and the #metoo movement said must go. 

​Before he went though Persky, who could have retired , cost Santa Clara County tax payers over $5 million dollars in security, recall ballots and other costs merely to make a point for the judiciary. A point he will never make now that he is the first Superior Court judge to be recalled in California after 86 years. 

​Persky will forever be linked to his ruling in the sentencing of Brock Turner. Persky will live out his days with that being his judicial legacy. His children will see it, and his family will feel the financial pinch that all families who were trapped in Persky’s court felt for years. When Persky’s grandchildren look him up on line, they will see the recall, the protests and perhaps they will see where history changed in California’s courts. 

​Persky loses his $150,000 a year pension, but more importantly he loses the millions he could have made working at JAMs and as a private judge, referee or Special Master. 

​Some say Persky will not lose and that law firms like  McManis  Faulkner are already cashing  in on hopes of getting  Persky assigned in complex cases. 

​The  issue that failed to come out before the election, was related to Persky’s  rulings in family court. That is where Persky was seduced into the culture of criminal activity  that would eventually be his downfall in the recall election. 

​Judge Persky oversaw the Wahl v Perkins case, a case where divorce attorney Bradford Baugh was disqualified, but Persky never appears to have reported Baugh, as Canon 3D2 required. And while attorney misconduct appears to run rampant in Santa Clara, very few judges ever do anything about it.  ​Persky has personal knowledge of lawyer and judge crimes, and ironically, Persky is the one being tossed from the bench, not the criminal judges and  family law attorneys. 

​As the judges and lawyers who endorsed the No on Persky Recall scratch their heads in amazement, several fractions of the Persky Recall are turning their attention to District Attorney Jeff Rosen, who is said to have known about Antitrust activity in Santa Clara County divorce cases that serves to harm women and children, and he did nothing. 

​                                            SOLANO COUNTY MOVES JUDGES – #METOO! 

Santa Clara had the signs ……..and media attention, but  a small group of women who are true warriors continue to impeach and recall bad judges who are violating rights where  children are concerned.

​These moms, labeled a “MOB”, have had enough and are supporting each other in court watching, letter writing and yes, that dirty  deed, protesting. 

Soon all judges will learn they just might want to start worrying about social media and protestors because they are not going away.

Trying to get DA Jeff Rosen to worry about the crimes Mary Ann Grilli, James Towery, Nat Hales, James Mc Manis, Bradford Baugh , and countless others committed in divorce and custody cases, is point less. So Jeff Rosen is about to see what voters have planned for him. 

​Molly O’Neal, of Santa Clara County’s Public Defender’s office, called victims who supported the recall of Judge Persky a “Mob”. Funny, look at the MOB in Solano County, they look more like a group of moms angry at judges who took their children, for no legal reason. 

​Bye Bye Persky. Bye Bye Carringer.

Who is next in 2018? Still time to recall or impeach judges, the DA and the politicians who protect them over protecting victims and children. 



5 Tips To Guide You Through Father’s Day After Divorce

Father's Day after divorceWhen you are first issued your divorce decree, it might not hit you how uncomfortable Father’s Day can be the first year after your divorce.

The major holidays are significantly more complicated after divorce and require careful planning to avoid conflict and hurt feelings. Father’s Day can be especially tough since this day in particular is supposed to be all about you.

Here are some tips to guide you through your first Father’s Day after divorce.

Talk to your ex

Ideally, your parenting time will fall on Father’s Day and you will be free to celebrate however you please. Sometimes, this is not the case and other arrangements must be made in order to accommodate any festivities you have planned.

She might be the last person you want to talk to, but it is worth reaching out to your ex to work out a plan. If Father’s Day does not fall on your scheduled weekend, ask her if you can work out a compromise. Offer to let her have the kids an extra weekend, so you can have them for the holiday.

It will help your case tremendously if you were cooperative on Mother’s Day. As with all aspects of co-parenting, working out holiday custody arrangements requires clear communication and flexibility.

If, for whatever reason, your ex tries to withhold parenting time from you on Father’s Day, you should get in touch with your family law attorney immediately.

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.

Be honest with your children

Previous Father’s Day celebrations were probably whole-family affairs. Adjusting to a more low-key holiday is going to be different for your kids as well, so be aware that they also might be dealing with some difficult emotions.

Acknowledge that Father’s Day feels a little different this year and let them know that it is OK to feel sad. You can admit that you are feeling a little down about things too. Make sure you reinforce that even though things are different, you and your kids still love each other.

Help them out with gifts

In years past, your wife probably helped the kids pick out a gift for you for Father’s Day. Depending on their age, your children might not know what to do now that Mom is not around to help out. This could be a source of anxiety for them if they are worried about you being disappointed on Father’s Day.

You might consider enlisting the help of a relative or close friend to help them figure out a gift idea. You can even supply them the money to pay for it. This is not about making sure you get a Father’s Day present but rather ensuring that you and your children are able to happily enjoy the day together.

Celebrate on a different day

The worst-case scenario is that you have to spend Father’s Day separated from your kids. In that case, just celebrate Father’s Day on a different weekend.

Just because you are celebrating on a day that is not designated as “Father’s Day” should not make the day any less special. The holiday is about acknowledging the special bond fathers have with their children, and that is something you should be able to celebrate on any day.

Take everything in stride

The most important thing to do on your first Father’s Day after divorce is to take everything in stride.

Keep in mind that the sad emotions you are feeling are entirely normal. It is OK to feel that way.

“It’s normal for a dad to be experiencing some sadness, some anger, some feelings of loss and just the sense that this isn’t what I wanted to have with my child,” said author, speaker, and teacher Laura Petherbridge. “Just knowing that those emotions are normal and that he’s not losing his mind or weird or something because he’s experiencing that is three-fourths the battle.”

Even if the day is a bummer, remember that it is just one day on the calendar. Even if you do not get the ideal Father’s Day celebration, the role you are playing in the lives of your children is crucial. Nothing can change that.

The post 5 Tips To Guide You Through Father’s Day After Divorce appeared first on Dads Divorce.


Are You Dealing With Divorce Or Distracting Yourself From It?

Are You Dealing With Divorce Or Distracting Yourself From It?

The emotional pain of divorce can be temporarily ignored through distraction, but won’t completely go away until we face it.


Two summers ago, my son had major surgery on both of his legs and spent a third of his summer vacation in thigh high casts. What a trooper! The things that kid endured, both during the surgery and recovery, boggles my brain; yet, it was necessary to correct some chronic problems that would affect him the rest of his life. In preparation for his procedure, friends and family gathered many things, such as books, movies, and games, to keep his mind off the pain and misery of those evil casts. Heal he must; but, if at all possible, he could be distracted from the pain!

Divorce pain isn’t much less heinous than the agony of having bone and muscle sawed through. Often, we try to “keep our minds off of it” by thinking about anything else we possibly can and busying ourselves with both everyday responsibilities and meaningless pursuits to ignore the destruction and suffering all around us. The problem with disregarding the pain of the end of our marriage is that it won’t go away just because we pretend it’s not there!

Have you ever played hide and go seek with a young child? Sometimes, they’re not very good at it, and they seem to think that as long as their face is hidden and they can’t see us, that we can’t see them! Maybe you’re not acknowledging the pain of divorce, but it will patiently sit and wait for you until you’re ready to face it!

The emotional pain of a break-up is different than a physical recovery. My son’s bones and tissue continued to heal, even if he threw himself into a good book or video game to occupy his mind while his body mended itself. Heartbreak, however, insists that we feel every bit of the experience and address how it affects us. In short, it won’t go away until we give it its due time and attention, so we might as well face the music and get it over with!

My question for you, then, is are you allowing yourself to heal, or are you simply distracting yourself from the inevitable? Are you hoping that by focusing on work, friends, hobbies, or even vices that the bad things in life will just disappear?

While I do recommend having a variety of positive things available to motivate and help take our minds off of divorce, we have to be careful of how much we bury our heads in the sand versus taking a temporary respite from all things negative. It would be too overwhelming for any of us to only think about all the ways our lives suck during divorce; however, we have to eventually confront everything that is happening and work our way through it!

Additionally, we must choose distractions carefully. Not only should they not completely block us from feeling or being a participant in life, but we must be sure that attempts to block pain do not cause new complications to develop for us. Namely, we need not turn to dangerous distractions, such as alcohol, drugs, or sex, which could become addictive or cause us harm.

How many of us have even joked about the therapeutic benefits of a little “retail therapy?” As with most things, everything is best in moderation. A little shopping (or stress eating, gambling, adrenaline, and so on) is fun and not especially harmful; but, the endorphin release and ability to replace sad feelings with happy ones can quickly let them get out of control!

The moral of this story is that while we can ease emotional pain, we can’t entirely hide from it-nor should we! If we wish to completely overcome all that we feel because of divorce, we will have to engage in the grieving and healing process until we finally emerge whole again.

There’s no need to suffer through every inch of the journey toward healing; yet, it’s important to know that distractions may only draw out the process because they keep us from facing off with our problems. Healing doesn’t require obsessing over our pain, but taking on each emotion and new situation will allow us to come closer to the other side.

What are you using to help you get through your divorce? Are you taking it all without the anesthesia of distraction or hiding from the hurt because you don’t want to face reality? Reality is very patient and will wait for us until we’re ready. Pain is unwelcome but doesn’t have to a long-term companion.

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