You may or may not know what Cognitive Dissonance really is.
It is the confusion of having justifications for staying bonded to somebody who is hurting us.
In other words, emotionally it is feeling horrific to stay, yet you find that you are under the spell of the narcissist no matter how badly he or she is treating you.
Many people don’t understand the real truth about why Cognitive Dissonance takes place, or the real reasons for it.
That’s what today’s Thriver TV episode is all about, explaining to you exactly why you are stuck in Cognitive Dissonance, and how to break free from it forever.
Trauma bonding is a narcissistic abuse phenomenon. It makes it incredibly difficult to break away from somebody who is hurting us.
Logically this doesn’t make sense. Why would we stay with somebody who is really bad for us and who is ripping our life and soul apart?
How have we been able to reconcile and justify what is happening to us, in order to stay?
The reason that we do this is because we are suffering from Cognitive Dissonance.
And today I can explain to you what that REALLY means in this Thriver TV episode.
But before we get into the truth about why we stay attached, I’d like to thank each and every one of you for subscribing to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission.
And, if you agree with my philosophies, and haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love you to please do so, and please also pass my videos on to those in need.
Okay, so now let’s do a deep dive into what Cognitive Dissonance really is.
What is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive Dissonance means we are experiencing two opposing ideas that are creating confusion.
A simple example of this would be the thoughts of, “I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight”.
In the case of narcissistic abuse, an example of Cognitive Dissonant thoughts could go like this, “He/she is so abusive. I need to leave to save myself” with “He/she is only behaving like this because of a horrible childhood. I should stay and fix this”.
The Cognitive Dissonance creates the excuses for not pulling away and taking care of ourselves.
Other forms of Cognitive Dissonance can be “reasons” such as, “I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through” or worse still, “He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him act like this” or “If I love him enough, I know I can heal him” or “I’m the only person that truly understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have”.
We decide to make our choices aligned with these reasons, even though our Inner Being is screaming “Wrong Town! I am breaking down!”
Why do we do this?
Why do we go with a version of truth in our head rather than listen to our emotions which are the Soul Truth of our entire life?
Because we are trauma bonded.
What does that mean?
The Real Truth About Trauma Bonding
I have written a great deal about trauma bonding in the past, and there are so many ways that the narcissist behaves, which trigger us into our unhealed histories and insecurities and hook us into trying to resolve them with the person who is hurting us.
You can read more about trauma bonding here (Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else).
Yet, when we get deeply underneath all of this, we understand the bottom line of what is really going on. It’s to do with our subconscious belief systems in relation to any topic in our life. These are the driving force of our life that hooks us up with the people, situations and events that exactly match those beliefs.
If our Inner Identity holds the belief, as a result of a traumatic past, generational wounds or painful and devastating childhoods and future adult relationships, of “Love hurts” or “The people who love me leave me/replace me/invalidate me/annihilate me” (and the list goes on and on) then this is what we continue to experience in our life.
Narcissists are famous for delivering this.
And of course, understandably, we have also formed the Inner Identity beliefs of, “I am not worth loving”, “There must be something wrong with me”, “I am incapable of getting love or my life right”. So naturally, we continue going through this over and over again.
Neuroscientists now know that our subconscious controls 40 billion bits of information per second throughout our entire systems, whereas our logical mind only controls 40 bits per second.
What do you think is pulling the strings of your life? Your almighty subconscious or your conscious thoughts?
Okay, so at this point, you may be wondering what all of this has to do with trauma bonding and Cognitive Dissonance?
Your mind will come up with all the excuses and justifications to create the validity of the traumatic program.
The brain, with its limited power, defaults to agree with the powerhouse of the already existing subconscious programs.
As revolutionary neuroscientist, Dr. Joe Dispenza says, “The brain follows the body always”.
How Do You Escape Trauma Bonding and Cognitive Dissonance?
I will share with you how I achieved this.
I completely embraced that the Inner Belief systems I had in relation to love and relationships were filled with pain. All of my life I had felt unloved, unlovable and unworthy of love.
And of course, I’d been attempting to cover this up. I’d been trying to be worthy of love with all my might, by trying to be what I needed to be for others to love me.
Additionally, I realised that I had been making the excuses and justifications to stay with people who hurt me, and I tried to change and fix them, rather than let go and heal myself.
To rectify this, once and for all, I knew my life going forward had to be an inside job.
It was all between me and me. Focusing on anybody else was not going to give me my emancipation from this.
Most people, before understanding the deeper truths, when attempting to heal from Cognitive Dissonance try to address the problem at a level that it doesn’t exist.
They try to do it logically. The problem exists in the subconscious, not in the cognitive mind.
The issue is not the thoughts that are the “reasons” you are staying attached. These thoughts are a symptom of what is going on in the subconscious programs. Unless the subconscious programs are addressed, the thoughts will keep coming back, because the brain is following the body.
It doesn’t matter how much we talk, research and even get cognitive therapy, we may be able to hold healthier decisions for a short amount of time, yet the powerhouse of the 40 billion bits per second will have its way.
A deep shift has to happen on the inside of you, within your Inner Identity, and then your brain will follow.
Are you having the epiphany yet about why you are coming up with reasons and justifications for staying attached, or breaking no contact, or trying to go in and get accountability even though you know you can’t? Despite knowing how much extra pain it brings every time you do it?
Is it becoming clear to you what is really going on deep within you beneath the level of your conscious understanding?
If you really do get it now, I want you to stop this video and write below, “Bingo! I get it!”
That’s essential if you are going to break free from this.
You can’t know the following that I’m about to share with you, until you get to the other side of this, but I promise you it is true.
Organically, without these traumas, you are a whole, self-generative, self-honouring person who would no sooner be connected to painful and traumatic love, than a health-conscious person would eat a greasy hamburger.
I hope that this has truly helped.
Okay, so if you have had enough of the pain, and you know it’s your time to become healthy on the inside, then that’s precisely the healing work I provide.
And, if you enjoyed this video please give it a like, and share with people who you know are stuck in justifications that are keeping them bonded with people who are hurting them.
And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.