The Legal and Psychological Ramifications of Infidelity

The Legal and Psychological Ramifications of Infidelity

Infidelity can have some big impacts on marriage other than the obvious and sometimes more damaging than the loss of trust. The long-lasting psychological effects for either partner along with the legal ramifications that can occur during the divorce proceedings should make more spouses reluctant to have an affair, but as with many mistakes we make in life infidelity is the result of living too much in the moment at the expense of future consequences.

Legal Ramifications

All states are now no-fault divorce states. It used to be that a person seeking a divorce would have to prove that pretty extreme events had taken place like cruelty, imprisonment, and adultery to name a few. This type of law has been interpreted by some to be a force to make divorces harder to get as they were seen as a morally wrong thing to do and should be avoided unless completely necessary.

A no-fault ground for divorce worries some clients when it comes to alimony and property division topics. It can be beyond frustrating for many that a no-fault system means that adultery doesn’t have to be considered when it comes to the division of marital assets unless funds were used toward the affair. A lot of times it can depend on the judge that rules over the case.

Florida is an equitable distribution state, which means that many factors go into the decision of property division. If a husband can show that his wife spent money on hotels or gifts for their secret lover, the husband can get this money back.

Psychological damage

Finding out that your partner has been having an affair can be a heartbreaking experience and cause serious emotional and psychological problems. Not only is it overwhelming information to deal with, but it can also be the turning point in a relationship from “ignorance is bliss” to filing for divorce. MaritalHealing.org maintains that infidelity can cause something called acute distress disorder. This can include the following symptoms:

  • Detachment from reality
  • Sadness and despair
  • Intense feelings of rage, hatred and the need for revenge
  • Fear and anxiety
  • Low self-esteem

How detrimental to a person’s mental health is finding out that the person you trusted enough to share a life with has been hiding their true feelings and has essentially replaced you with some other person? Victims often ask themselves what that person has that they don’t, but the answers are never satisfying.

Most people may not realize that being unfaithful actually inflicts some psychological damage on themselves as well as their unsuspecting partner. NetDoctor.co.uk states that those who go down the path of adultery can suffer from intense guilt and depression as feel they are always hiding their true feelings and looking for an escape from their marriage problems.

Adultery is never a healthy experience.

Cheating can do more damage than just erase any trust between two people that used to be in love. It can have financial implications if the couple does decide to divorce and the judge is sympathetic toward the victim of infidelity. There are long-lasting emotional problems that occur as a result of both parties in a broken marriage. These can easily be avoided if a person can be honest and deal with the problems in a marriage instead of looking for short term satisfaction with an affair.

The post The Legal and Psychological Ramifications of Infidelity appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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20 Divorce Means For Those Who Understand The Realities Of Divorce

20 Divorce Means For Those Who Understand The Realities Of Divorce

A divorce wouldn’t be complete without conflict, anger, and emotional pain. However, for those who experienced a lot of hardships and complications in their marriage, divorce might mean freedom and getting their lives back. Lucky them!

If you or someone you know has been through a divorce we promise, it will get better. So, to help you remember all the good times (sarcasm), check out these divorce memes we’ve collected just for you. Enjoy!

20 Divorce Memes

1. Raise your hand if you’ve dealt with this!

divorce meme

 

2. Let’s not hold our breaths!

divorce meme

 

3. Fingers crossed!

divorce meme

 

4. I know one of those “persons.”

divorce meme

 

5. Seriously, this isn’t hard to do!

divorce meme

 

6. Any good mother will make this look easy. 

divorce meme

 

7. Crazy? Who me? Nah!

divorce meme

 

8. Can you say, narcissistic fathers?

divorce meme

 

9. Get on out of here now!

divorce meme

 

10. If you’ve got any damn sense at all you do.

divorce meme

 

11. Don’t you dare forget!

divorce meme

 

12. Those little eyes and ears!

divorce meme

 

13. Head held high and a smile on your face.

divorce meme

 

14. Love yo self!

divorce meme

 

15. No more dysfunction junction for those babies!

divorce meme

 

16. Sounds like someone needs help with the bills!

divorce meme

 

17. When he says no one else will want you, he doesn’t know what the hell he is talking about.

divorce meme

 

18. We’re going to harness that power too!

divorce meme

 

19. Listen, just NEVER settle!

divorce meme

 

20. He is her problem now!

divorce meme

The post 20 Divorce Means For Those Who Understand The Realities Of Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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your husband

How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

your husband's sexual addiction

 

If I put myself in the place of someone who has learned their spouse has a sexual addiction my first thought is, “I’m out of here.” That is a knee jerk reaction I image is shared by most that discover such disturbing information about a spouse.

Should that first reaction be the step you take? Is your marriage doomed to end because of sexual addiction? I personally don’t think divorce is the answer until you’ve turned over every stone and come to an educated decision about what is right for you and the marriage.

Below are things you can do that will help you make a final and educated decision about whether to stay or leave the marriage.

What to do About Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

1. Do your research; find out all you can about sexual addiction. When researching you should not only focus on the spouse who is sexually addicted but yourself also. I have found that most people research the problems of the other person in hopes of finding a way to change them.

When faced with marital problems the only person you can change is yourself. When gathering information be sure to find out what about you got you there, it can tell you a lot about whether or not you need to stay.

2. Find a good support group. You local mental health association can put you in touch with a sex addicts support group such as COSA, an organization for those whose lives have been negatively touched by the sexual behaviors of another person.

3. Find a therapist who is an expert in sexual issues and family of origin issues. There may be issues you need to address from your family of origin that lead you to marry someone with an addictive personality.

4. Do not tolerate what you feel is intolerable. People married to sex addicts, alcoholics or drugs addicts tend to be co-dependent. Co-dependents have a hard time setting boundaries with others about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.

The more adept you are at setting boundaries, the more self-esteem you will have and the more empowered you will feel.

5. Insist that your spouse become actively involved in a sex addicts support group. Not only does the addict need a 12 step program to address their issues, you, the wife, needs to see a willingness to work through their issues. If you stay in the marriage trust will need to be rebuilt and for that to happen the addict will have to show, via their own work that they are worthy of your trust.

6. Don’t threaten to leave the marriage unless you are serious. Empty threats to leave only reinforce the addict’s belief that he/she can behave inappropriately and you will still be there.  It won’t take your spouse long to realize that you aren’t really going to leave.

Instead of threatening to leave take action. If your spouse witnesses you researching the problem, going to support group meetings and setting firm boundaries you will send a stronger message than an empty threat to leave will.

It has been proven that to change another you must first change yourself. Responding in the same manner to any problem in your marriage only prolongs the problems. If your spouse sees you changing the way you typically respond to problems they may be spurred into making changes in themselves.

When it comes to addiction of any kind, the addict won’t address their own issues until they are faced with the likelihood of losing what is most valuable to them. If you focus on helping yourself instead of focusing on fixing the addict you are more likely to elicit the change you wish for.

If, in the end, your spouse refuses to seek help the likelihood of him/her changing is slim. Whether they change or not is unimportant because what you have done is take action to educate and protect yourself. Your future and emotional wellbeing will no longer depend on what your sex addicted husband does but on what decisions you make about what is and isn’t in your best interest.

There is a process psychologist referred to as “detachment.” What I have described above are the actions of someone who has detached themselves from their spouse’s behaviors. Detachment is a difficult process to explain BUT I believe it is the most effective way to deal with an addict.

If you want to “detach” and do what is best for you, the addict and the marriage print out the points below and change your behavior accordingly.

  • Accept and embrace your own inabilities to change the sex addict.
  • Do not engage in snooping or watching the sex addicts every move.
  • Accept that you cannot control the sex addict or what he/she does.
  • DO NOT react in the same old way.
  • Focus your time and energy on your life and what you want from your life.
  • Set boundaries in a loving manner and expect respect and kindness in return.
  • Detaching does not mean ignoring negative sexual behavior or becoming a doormat.
  • Accept that, in the end, your marriage may not survive.

The post How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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ways to tell if his affair is over

10 Ways To Tell If His Affair Is Over

ways to tell if his affair is over

 

Your husband had an affair. He says it is over and the two of you have decided, together, to put the marriage back together and work at rebuilding trust. For this to happen he will need to break off all contact with the other woman. He will need to prove to you that his affair is over

Since you’ve lost total trust in him, the last thing you trust him to do is, anything. For that reason below is a list of things you can request he do to prove that he has broken off contact with the other woman and doesn’t intend to see her again.

5 things to do to ensure he isn’t having contact with the other woman and the affair is over.

  1. Tell him you want access to his phone, email accounts, and social media accounts. That would mean him sharing his passwords with you and you being able to check those accounts at your will.
  2. Ask him to email her, in your presence, and tell her that the relationship is over. He needs to be specific about the fact that there will be no further contact via text, phone, and email or in person. Once that is done monitor his email account for any response from her. If she responds it is within your right to reply and let her know that she can no longer interfere in your marriage.
  3. Watch him as he deletes her number from his phone and her address from his email account. You will also want him to remove her from any social media connections. When possible on email and social media insist that he block her from being able to contact him.
  4. For added protection, you can insist he change his email address and his phone number. Make sure that his old email account is deleted and that you have access to his new account. Once he has a new phone number check your account with your cellphone provider for her number to make sure she doesn’t have access to the new number and communication is continuing.
  5. If he and the other woman work together tell him that you want proof that they have limited contact at work. If that entails him exposing the affair to his boss, so be it. If he was concerned about his reputation at work he wouldn’t have started an affair.

Some experts advise women to not put too much pressure on their husband. I’m not sure how trust can be rebuilt until you are 100% sure the affair has ended and, in some situations that may mean him doing things that he finds uncomfortable.

If your marriage is going to survive his infidelity the goal has to be to heal the wound to the marriage. You can’t begin to heal that wound until the other woman is totally out of the picture. Don’t be surprised if he finds it hard to cut her off completely. It may take a few stops and starts for him to be able to break away cleanly.

How to tell he is no longer in contact with the other woman:

  1. When he is willingly engaging in honest discourse about the affair and what needs to be done to restore the marriage and your trust in him.
  2. He isn’t dismissing your feelings about the affair and your need to talk about those feelings. By being willing to listen and validate your feelings he is taking responsibility for his hurtful behavior.
  3. The two of you have identified issues in your marriage that need to be fixed and are actively working, together, to make those changes.
  4. You are both focusing on what makes the other happy.

Rebuilding trust after an affair takes time. It comes one step at a time. Be patient with yourself and him. You will be able to tell in your gut whether or not you are both on the same page when it comes to saving the marriage.

The post 10 Ways To Tell If His Affair Is Over appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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what role does biology play in cheating

What Roles Does Biology Play In Cheating?

what role does biology play in cheating

 

Cheating is fairly common behavior. And, according to the video, The Science Behind Infidelity, biology plays a role in why some people cheat. It would seem, the choice to cheat may be driven by a strong biological urge.

Not something that excuses the cheating but, something to consider when dealing with a spouse’s cheating. Maybe. We all have biological urges; some we must respond to or damage or health. Urination for example.

The biological urge to have sex with someone other than your spouse won’t damage one’s health if that urge is denied. So, even though biology plays a role in cheating, we don’t have to give into the biological urges.

What Role Does Biology Play in Cheating?

1. Gene coding for a dopamine receptor plays a key role in cheating and sexual promiscuity for men and women. Research shows that individuals with at least one 7-repeat allele (7R+) report a greater categorical rate of promiscuous sex.

Dopamine is called the “happy hormone” and is released after pleasurable activities (Sex). Research shows that 50% of people who have the long allele variant of the dopamine receptor have cheated on their spouse compared to only 22% who have the short allele.

People with the long allele dopamine receptor also have a tendency to be risk takers and to abuse alcohol and drugs. So, the phrase, “once a cheater, always a cheater” may be true for those long allele dopamine receptor folks.

Want to make sure you aren’t marrying one of these long allele variant folks? Take them to a local lab and ask for collected buccal wash sample that is genotyped for the DRD4 VNTR. Or, marry them and trust they won’t give in to that particular biological urge.

2. Levels of the hormone vasopressin also play a role in cheating on a spouse. Vasopressin effects trust, empathy and sexual bonding. The higher the level of vasopressin receptors a man has, the more likely he is to cheat. And, the less likely they are to bond to a spouse emotionally.

3. Money or, how much more you earn than your wife, plays a role in cheating behaviors. Males who earn significantly more than their wives are more likely to cheat. Not good news for stay-at-home moms who earn no money!

But, on the other hand, stay-at-home Dads are more likely to cheat than stay-at-home Moms. According to Dr. Christin Munsch, “In an average year, there was nearly a 5 percent chance that women, who are completely economically dependent on their husbands, will have affair— while there’s about a 15 percent chance entirely dependent men do.”

It would seem women find being financially dependent on a husband easier than men who are dependent financially on a wife. Only when there are similar income levels between spouses does money not play a role in cheating.

Life Factors That Increase The Risk Of Cheating:

Unresolved emotional issues:

Unresolved emotional childhood issues can cause people to repeat negative relationship patterns. If you grew up exposed to parents who had a high conflict marriage due to their own inability to solve marital problems, you will take those patterns into your own relationships.

If you grew up with an obsessively controlling mother or father, you may carry resentment toward men or women into a relationship. Cheating is a subconscious way of “getting even” with a parent. In the end, it’s a spouse that pays the biggest cost, not the parents.

Baggage from past relationships:

People who haven’t let go and dealt with baggage from a previous marriage are more likely to cheat with a previous spouse. Be careful when becoming involved with a man or woman who still harbors negative or positive feelings for an ex.

Most think that “I hate my ex” means he/she is done with the ex. Not true! Hate and love share the same side of a coin. Hate is an emotion, meaning that person still has an emotional connection to their ex. That isn’t a relationship you want to become too involved in.

Bottom line, there are many reasons someone cheats. Be it unresolved family issues or biology we still have free will that allows us to make choices based on our moral beliefs.

The post What Roles Does Biology Play In Cheating? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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When Your Friend

To Tell or Not To Tell: When Your Friend’s Husband is Cheating

When Your Friend's Husband is Cheating

 

When your friend’s husband is cheating do you tell her? Of course, you would! As true friends, our loyalty is to our girlfriends! After all, she should know and she shouldn’t hear it from someone else. Deciding whether or not to tell her isn’t hard, but telling her won’t be easy.

Even if she suspects he is cheating, it’s not good news that you are sharing. There are so many factors to consider, I had to sort them into categories. There is a huge level of intimacy and vulnerability in this situation. Make sure that you handle yourself correctly and from the right perspective if you are faced with this scenario.

When Your Friend’s Husband is Cheating Do You Tell?

When to tell:  If your friend is among your inner circle, then don’t think twice about telling. These are friends with whom we share our secrets and our dreams and we count on their loyalty. We rely on them for our emotional support. These friends know that you love them and would never hurt them intentionally.

You may consider whether or not to say anything based on the information you have. For example, if you saw her husband out to lunch with someone THAT is not proof of adultery. If you saw him in a hotel bar cozying up to another woman, that might be different. You will know.

When NOT to tell: If your friend is not among your closest friends, you need to consider that relationship specifically. How much do you know about her personal life? For example, we spend a substantial amount of time with our co-workers and sometimes we share our personal lives with them. Sometimes, we don’t. Our relationship with that individual is a crucial factor. At what level is your friendship? Will she believe you?

If you don’t know the person well enough or have not established that level of trust or intimacy between you, then the news you share may backfire. Someone who does NOT know you on a deeper personal level may think you are wrong or that you have an ulterior motive for telling them. If you tell them, it may change your relationship with them forever.

As noted by Southam Consulting’s, 8 Easy Tips for Crucial Conversations, “People don’t get defensive because of the content of what you’re saying. They get defensive because of the intent they perceive behind it. When others become defensive, stop talking about the issue and clarify your purpose.”

As with any difficult conversation, being thoughtful in your delivery is critical.

There are some standards that may make sense under the circumstances, so I have listed them as Do’s and Don’ts below.

Do’s:

1)    Let the person know that you want to talk to them personally, privately.

2)    Preface the conversation with, “I have something I have to tell you.” (or similar opening.)

3)    Be direct and tell her what you know and how you know it. Like ripping off a band-aid, it’s better to just get it said.

4)    Make sure your friend knows that you would only tell her because you care about her and didn’t want her to find out another way. You can apologize for having to tell her bad news.

5)    Let her know that regardless of the news you shared, or her immediate reaction, you are entirely on her side and there to support her.

Don’t:

1)    Tell bad news casually. That means- Don’t tell them in passing. Don’t tell them via text, email, or social media.

2)    Don’t surprise her completely.

3)    Don’t try to sugar-coat the information or beat around the bush. Dragging it out will make her more anxious.

4)    Don’t make any snide comments about her husband like, “I knew I never liked him” or call him names… even if she does. You need to keep your decorum for both of you.

This is a tough scenario for friends to be in-and totally caused by someone else’s indiscretion. I have always felt “it’s better to know than not know” and “knowledge is power.” However, it’s important that you be discreet and sensitive.

The post To Tell or Not To Tell: When Your Friend’s Husband is Cheating appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Jeff Bezos divorce

3 Lessons To Learn From Jeff Bezos’ Divorce

Jeff Bezos divorceThe celebrity divorce of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie after 25 years of marriage has generated thousands of news headlines as legal experts are weighing in on what might happen to their $137 billion fortune. This split will go down as one of the most expensive divorces in history.

Although most divorcing couples do not have nearly as much wealth at stake as the Bezos family, there still are some lessons to learn from their breakup.

Get a prenup!

Perhaps the most important takeaway is how valuable a prenuptial agreement can be in the event of divorce.

Most of the Bezos’ fortune was built during the course of their marriage. Since the couple lives in Washington, which is a community property state, most of their estate is subject to a 50-50 split.

Although more couples are requesting prenuptial agreements, they still are an underutilized tool that could save many divorcing spouses from a lot of headaches and heartbreak.

Unfortunately, prenups often are seen as a precursor to divorce and a detriment to marriage. After all, no one wants to even acknowledge the possibility of divorce when wedding bells are ringing.

But with approximately half of all marriages ending in divorce, you would be ignoring reality if you did not take steps to protect yourself from the worst-case scenario.

“It is important to understand that agreeing to a prenup is not planning on your marriage failing; it is providing a plan for how to deal with the property of the parties in the event the marriage does not last,” said Cordell & Cordell Co-Founder and Principal Partner Joe Cordell. “It is only ever used in the event that the marriage fails, which could happen whether or not the prenup was signed.”

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.

For Jeff Bezos, it was impossible to forecast the enormous fortune he would go on to build when he and MacKenzie first tied the knot. However, you do not have to be exorbitantly wealthy to benefit from a prenup. Generally, prenuptial agreements can cover:

  • Property rights
  • Rights for alimony or spousal support
  • Rights for attorney fees
  • Retirement accounts
  • Each party’s finances
  • Ownership rights in regards to life insurance or disability policies

It is important to get in touch with a men’s divorce attorney who can help you determine what to include in a prenuptial agreement and to ensure that it is in fact enforceable. This important step is possibly the best way to protect yourself from a nasty divorce.

Affairs can cost you

A potential confounding factor in Bezos’ divorce is that he started dating news anchor/actress Lauren Sanchez during the separation period from his wife. It is uncertain, but that relationship could give his wife MacKenzie more leverage.

In this day and age, judges are rarely concerned with who is to blame in the divorce since no-fault divorce is now the norm, but that relationship could spur MacKenzie to push for more in the divorce settlement than she might have otherwise.

In most cases, infidelity rarely affects the distribution of assets or child custody determinations, but it could impact alimony or spousal support depending on your state’s laws. A cheating spouse may lose their right to alimony if an affair can be proven, even with a no-fault divorce.

It pays to work things out

Although Amazon stakeholders are concerned about what this divorce could mean for the company, it is somewhat encouraging that the couple is at least reportedly parting on amicable terms.

In a tweet announcing the divorce, Bezos stated they are remaining “cherished friends.”

However, just because the divorce process begins on friendly terms is no guarantee it will remain that way. Cordell & Cordell Fairfax divorce attorney Aaron J. Weaver says he’s seen plenty of divorces start amicably before quickly deteriorating.

“What I’ve seen in my practice is it’s not uncommon for parties to start out in a collaborative way seeking settlement and at some point in time someone gets rubbed the wrong way in negotiations, pushes away from the table, and then sometimes mud starts getting slung,” Mr. Weaver said.

The unfortunate truth is that the family court system is set up in a way that breeds conflict. Society should do more to support amicable divorce as it is in the best interest of both parties involved and especially beneficial as the couple co-parents together if they have any children.

The post 3 Lessons To Learn From Jeff Bezos’ Divorce appeared first on Dads Divorce.

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can a couple rebuild trust after infidelity

How Can a Couple Rebuild Trust After Infidelity?

can a couple rebuild trust after infidelity

 

Infidelity is all too common and when it occurs it raises many questions. Should you stay? Can trust be rebuilt? Of all of the real-life stories of women interviewed for my research, Penny’s story best illustrates the searing pain of infidelity and how it can be toxic to all family members.

Penny, in her late thirties, says with passion in her voice, “My dad is a musician and his pattern was to marry (three times) and be happy at first. Then he went out to play the guitar, and he didn’t come home for several weeks. As I said earlier, he wasn’t a family man and should never have gotten married.”

As a young adult, Penny reenacted patterns from her past when she married Steven, who had several flings during their ten-year marriage. Penny was attracted to a partner who bore a strong resemblance to her father – who was emotionally unavailable and unfaithful to her mother.

In order to better understand infidelity and to find out if a marriage can be saved after adultery takes place, I decided to look to the experts.  What I learned may surprise you. The truth is that while infidelity can be devastating to a marriage, some specialists believe that it is important to try to resolve the crisis and rebuild trust if possible.

According to therapists Rona B. Subotnik, L.M.F.T and Gloria Harris, Ph.D., getting to the root of infidelity is crucial. In their popular book Surviving Infidelity they write, “Because extramarital sex still plays a role in the dissolution of many marriages, and because the divorce rate continues to be so high, it is important to know more about it.” Subotnik and Harris’s goal is to keep most marriages together – even after they’ve been crushed by the wounds of infidelity.

Surprisingly, there are many ways to assess the seriousness of the threat that infidelity has on your marriage. But first let’s look at some basic definitions of adultery, infidelity, and affairs. Adultery is either a legal or religious term defined as sexual relations with someone other than one’s spouse.

On the other hand, infidelity means unfaithfulness or disloyalty. Finally, an affair is defined as an illicit amorous relationship. In any case, our current culture tends to minimize or ignore the serious consequences of infidelity and to cover up the pain it causes.

The four types of affairs as described by Subotnik and Harris also include on-line affairs.

They are:

serial,

flings,

romantic, and

long-term.

At this point, you might wonder – what difference does it make?

Don’t all affairs have a severe impact on the integrity of marriage?

Serial

Actually, serial affairs are not always serious in terms of the threat they pose to marriage but they put a partner at great risk for exposure to AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Serial affairs, which can be described as a series of one-night stands and/or a series of many affairs, indicate an attempt to avoid emotional intimacy.

Flings

However, flings – which can be a one-night stand or can go on for months— don’t involve any emotional investment and are the least serious type of affair.

Romantic

Romantic love affairs- think the movie “Casablanca”- and long-term affairs pose the greatest threat to a marriage. The romantic love affair involves a high degree of emotional investment and can be quite serious if it goes on for some time.

Long-term

Just as the name implies, the long-term affair lasts for many years and poses the most threat to the integrity of the marriage because it involves a high level of emotional investment and can go on for decades.

How can a couple rebuild trust after infidelity?

Certainly, the loss of the marriage you envisioned for yourself can cause intense rage, jealousy, and sadness. For the most part, if you survived infidelity you went through the stages of grief and loss including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In many cases, coping with infidelity can be so painful that survivors can benefit from individual, couple, and group therapy. Being able to express your feelings in a safe environment can facilitate healing and reduce stress.

Examining your beliefs about love, marriage, and commitment are important as you try to rebuild trust with your partner after adultery takes place. It takes time to regain trust and it happens in degrees. Over time, an unfaithful partner may be able to restore trust and love in a marriage if they show trustworthiness through their words and actions.

If you have survived infidelity, you may decide that divorce is the only option. Even if you suspected that your partner was cheating, knowing for certain is intensely disturbing. In many cases, the decision to terminate a marriage is made by your partner. Regardless, divorce is typically a painful process for all involved.

Knowing the type of affair your spouse is involved in can help you determine the seriousness of it but does not take away the pain associated with it. Nonetheless, assessing the degree of severity and the threats that it poses to your marriage, can help you to make a decision about continuing in the relationship.

Follow Terry Gaspard on TwitterFacebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-lasting Relationship was published by Sourcebooks in 2016.

More from Terry

This blog originally appeared on movingpastdivorce.com

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Ways To View The Other Woman

4 Emotionally Healthy Ways To View The Other Woman

Ways To View The Other Woman

 

In general, society looks at the other woman as being the responsible party in an affair. It’s understandable that they become the target for the rage and anger the deceived spouse feels.

Blaming the other woman keeps us from having to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage and our own feelings, so we like to pretend that if it hadn’t been for that other person there would have never been an affair.

Problem is, there would have been, it just would have been a different “other” person.

How you handle the fact that there is another woman has a great deal to do with whether or not you end up in divorce court or, are able to save your marriage. I have a few suggestions that will help save your sanity and possibly your marriage.

4 Healthy Ways to View The Other Woman

Don’t Make The Other Woman More Important Than They Are

She happened to be in the right spot at the right time. She is nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for that person in particular. She is not superior to you, she is simply different from you. You are the wife, all she is is a distraction or an addiction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.

The circumstance is more important than the person your spouse is involved with. Spend your time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and finding a solution for those problems.

And, please know that does not shift responsibility for your spouse’s affair to you. In most cases, there are marital problems that lead a spouse to cheat. These could be problems you are aware of, they could be problems you are unaware of. The bottom line is this, a cheating spouse is choosing to find solutions to problems in a destructive manner instead of a productive manner.

What you need to do, if you wish to save your marriage, is focus on what is more likely to do that instead of following your spouse’s example of behaving destructively instead of constructively.

See The Relationship For What It Really Is

The relationship with the other woman is an intoxicating fantasy relationship with no foundation but lies and dishonesty. She is showing your spouse only her best side, she is being all she can be to your spouse and all she believes your spouse needs.

No one can carry on that kind act for long. Her true nature will show itself and the fantasy will wear off. When she starts making demands of your spouse, clinging and attempting to control the course of the affair the fantasy will wear off and your spouse will see them for who they really are…someone who has sex with another person’s husband.

An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of his role as husband and the restrictions it brings. You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience, most affairs go down in flames.

She Is Not A Reality, She Is An Illusion

Your spouse may see her as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take them away from the burdens of having a wife and family and marital problems.

In the end, they discover that all the old burdens and issues that came along with the marriage are the same, the only difference is, the person they feel responsible to is different. The only thing that changed was the players, not the game. Even if your marriage ends in divorce and your spouse chooses the other women you can bet, given time, reality will hit hard.

Don’t Internalize Your Feelings

When a person views the world through a self-critical perspective, the outcome turns out rather distorted. Don’t allow the actions of an unfaithful spouse cause you to feel shame or unworthy. Such feelings can lead to depression, self-loathing and anxiety. Whether your goal is to save your marriage or divorce your unfaithful spouse, you need to keep a level head and develop good coping strategies.

Plus, they say that living well is the best revenge and, you certainly want to get revenge—in a manner that helps you heal instead of causing you more pain.

The post 4 Emotionally Healthy Ways To View The Other Woman appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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alpha male

She Traded Her Passive Husband In For An “Alpha Male”

alpha male

 

I know not all women will agree, but a man who is a man is a huge turn on. My alpha male works with his hands and plays guitar. He has a bad mouth and at times a bit of a short fuse. That may sound like a negative, but combine it with the fact that the soft side is ever present and he worships this girl like no one ever has and it’s pretty powerful.

Prior to falling in love with an alpha male, I had been married to a very non-alpha male. I was the pants wearer and decision maker. My “bossy” nature made me think this was what I needed in a mate.  Someone who was good with me taking initiative and leading the way. As time wore on, however, I realized being the alpha in a relationship becomes tiresome.

I didn’t want to make EVERY decision or lead the way EVERY time. Trying to pinpoint where we went wrong in our marriage is tough, but the differences in how ambitious and driven we each are is probably the obstacle that was hardest to overcome.

Then along comes Alpha. He is strong and smart and capable. He knows what he wants and makes it happen. He makes decisions when I don’t feel up to it (even about little things like what to eat). He is fiercely competitive and the first to rush to my defense. He likes me being his and likes even more for other men to know I’m his. I see this in him and it makes me swoon.

I never thought I was the kind of woman to fall for a dominant man and end up in an affair with him. I thought surely I wanted to be in charge. However, being slightly more submissive (not entirely…don’t get me wrong) and allowing someone else to show they can handle what life throws at them has been like a breath of fresh air. I feel taken care of and protected and didn’t even realize those were things I wanted to be!

What’s so appealing about an Alpha Male?

Alpha males bring a certain amount of sex appeal as well. I know not all women will agree, but a man who is a man is a huge turn on. Mine works with his hands and plays guitar. He has a bad mouth and at times a bit of a short fuse. That may sound like a negative, but combine it with the fact that the soft side is ever present and he worships this girl like no one ever has and it’s pretty powerful. When it comes to me he is sensitive and patient. He treats women with respect and there is a certain chivalry to men who are men. They are a dying breed and I am lucky enough to have snagged one.

I believe the draw to alpha males for so many women is that we are a generation of powerful women. We want equality in our careers, at home and in life in general. With this, we have to lose some of our softness at times to be heard. An alpha male reminds women that it is ok to be treated like a lady sometimes. It is ok to not always be the dominant person in the room. It is nice to know that if you don’t take charge things may actually still get done and the world WON’T come to an end.

What are the drawbacks of the Alpha Male?

Of course, with any positive, there are usually a few negatives. At times his dominance is frustrating for this bossy girl. I do like things my way…and so does he…so we often have to make huge efforts to meet in the middle. We have to recognize when we are at an impasse and move on. I have to allow for a certain amount of bravado and chest pounding that at times is sexy…and at times just makes me laugh. I know he wishes at times I would allow his alpha to really show and keeping him in check is something I’m still trying to figure out.

As with any male/female relationship, there are challenges and moments of frustration. However, his passion for life and for getting things done means that he will go above and beyond to ensure my happiness. He wants to be the man that saves me from others and from myself. I am learning to be ok with being taken care of. I love my sweet, demanding, sexy, frustrating alpha male and he loves me with his whole heart. Alpha or not that is what women want…the love and admiration of a flawed yet wonderful man.

The post She Traded Her Passive Husband In For An “Alpha Male” appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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