non-physical cheating

Is Non-Physical ‘Cheating’ a Reason to Break up Your Marriage?

non-physical cheating

 

The question “is cheating a reason for divorce” is highly personal. The answer depends on the state your marriage was in before the alleged ‘cheating’ occurred. An unstable marriage is more likely to reach a breaking point if infidelity is suspected.

Ultimately, the question can only be answered after you first take a closer look at what YOU define as ‘cheating’ and what YOU feel is acceptable or unacceptable in your marriage.

Is Non-Physical ‘Cheating’ a Reason to Break up Your Marriage?

For some women, cheating is having a physical relationship with someone outside the marriage (i.e. kissing, fondling, oral sex and/or intercourse). Other women have more liberated ideas about fidelity when they allow a third person to join them in the bedroom for a threesome.

They don’t consider this ‘cheating’. For others, having an emotional relationship with another woman counts as cheating. Some men still talk openly to ex-girlfriends and this is accepted in the marriage. In other marriages this is an absolute no-no, especially if this is happening secretly.

Then there are gray areas where no specific third person or emotional involvement is involved.

Would you consider going to a strip club as cheating?

Does watching porn in magazines or on the web qualify as cheating? In this case, it seems to be only the fantasy of another body that the husband is looking for.

What about more indirect contact like ‘friending’ an ex on Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn? Would it make a difference if communication is open or hidden?

How you define cheating depends on your personality, your threshold, your level of self-confidence, how strict you set the rules at the beginning of your relationship and your level of trust.

Over time, relationships change. If you were comfortable with allowing other women close to your man and felt secure in your relationship at the beginning, your level of comfort and security may change as life and the relationship changes. In long term relationships, the focus gradually shifts from physical attraction to love and intimacy.

That initial spark may wear off as you get caught up in daily routines. If you have kids and your daily life gets busier and more focused on the children, the relationship needs to be nurtured to keep the connection alive. Regular date night and effective communication can be the key.

Before you make the decision to file for divorce when you feel hurt and betrayed… pause…Decisions made in a highly emotional state of mind are not always the wisest.

Consider the consequences of divorce for everyone (especially the kids) and weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. If infidelity is your reason to consider divorce, make sure your definition of what is ‘cheating’ is clear to you and your spouse.

Bottom line is that every relationship has ‘rules’ that need to be clear to both partners. If boundaries are vague, they can easily be crossed. Open communication is key. If one of the partners is hiding something, it is time to have a serious talk together. If you feel that talking doesn’t get you the results you want, couples counseling could be an option.

A therapist can help both of you clarify your needs, set healthy boundaries and help resolve trust issues you may have.

For suggestions on how to weigh the pros and cons in your marriage, improve your communication and spend quality time together, I highly recommend reading self-help workbook To Stay Or Not To Stay.

For an insight into what challenges children face when they do end up living in two houses, I suggest to read children’s book Nina Has Two Houses. The book also contains helpful tips for parents.

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cheated on

Cheated On? Why No One Really Cares

cheated on

 

There she is…or he for that matter…seated in front of my desk with tears in his/her eyes and a mountain of papers.  Barely able to compose herself, she tells me, “He’s been cheating on me, and here is all the proof.”  Sure enough, there is the proof! And it is ugly. There are email exchanges, text exchanges, graphic photos, credit card receipts, phone records, PI reports, and sometimes even “DNA” evidence…oh boy. I take a deep breath.

How do I explain that in the context of divorce, here comes the truth, NO ONE CARES IF YOU WERE CHEATED ON?

I get it.  It’s awful, it’s painful, and it may indeed say a lot about the cheating spouse, but as a legal matter (in New York), it won’t make a difference in what you get in terms of divorce entitlements. After gently empathizing with my client, I next deliver the news, “that all being said, as far as the divorce, your spouse can be swinging from chandeliers with his/her paramour, but as long as the children aren’t there, no one cares.”

There it is, the stunned look of disbelief…WHAT? No matter how many times I deliver the news, it’s heartbreaking.  Here is my client, totally distressed. She has inevitably lost at least ten pounds from the stress, hasn’t slept for days, and probably spent at least $5,000.00 on a private investigator. What’s even worse is that she has probably, and unbeknownst to her, illegally obtained “evidence” which she couldn’t use in court anyway.

So what now? Well, first off, stop the investigation immediately. It has no use or purpose other than to upset you. You have plenty of evidence and there is no need to go any further. All this will do is upset you even more and interfere with your ability to make good choices for yourself.

I know that it is hard to do.

It becomes almost an obsession. However, for your own sake, I urge you to stop because it really does not make a difference, and it keeps you stuck. About 15 years ago I had a client whose husband was cheating on her.  She found out in the most awful of ways…in person.

Yes, she came home to a stranger in the marital bed. It can’t get worse than that.  Did you see the movie Silver Linings Playbook? If you haven’t, I suggest you do. It’s a great movie and it’s about a husband who discovers his wife is cheating on him; how he becomes obsessed with it, and it almost ruins his life.

Why No One Cares If You Were Cheated On

Anyway, back to my poor client. She was young, smart, highly educated and beautiful. She was also very trusting and naïve. She literally suffered a nervous breakdown and could not go to work. It was a very short marriage, just under two years. There were no children and no assets.

Other than get her divorced from this cheater, what else did she want? More importantly, what else could I fight for?

I was so moved by her plight and believed that having lost her job because of her husband’s cheating, that he should provide some spousal support while she got her life back in order.

The Husband’s attorney thought I was out of my mind, inexperienced, and all but laughed at my proposal that his client pay my client’s rent for a year.  We went to court.  We had a conference with the Judge. Guess what? The Judge agreed with the Husband’s attorney, told me my demand was ridiculous and that my client had to “get over it.” I was crushed.

I went back to my client to tell her that our demand was too high (translation, as in 100% too high). I will never forget the look of disbelief and disappointment in her eyes.  Persistent young rebel that I was, I went back with a slight modification of my proposal. The attorney basically laughed at me, and we went back to see the Judge.

At that point, the Judge growing annoyed with my persistence and my client’s “hysteria” made a suggestion for a proposal.

When my client would not agree, the Judge told me that my client was “an @# idiot.”  Uh oh.  Now that was just way out of line. With my heart banging out of my chest, and my hands shaking, I said to the Judge, “I think that perhaps we should go into the courtroom and I will ask that your honor recuse himself.” He shot me a look. I added, “respectfully.” The Judge then made a “final” proposal and told opposing counsel that he was to make sure that his client took the deal.

We accepted. It was a moment of vindication for my client, and for me, one that I still haven’t forgotten.

That Judge, by the way, is no longer a judge or lawyer.

Other than that, and maybe one other which would make this blog just way too long (the Husband was cheating on his wife with her sister), cheating is NOT a factor in divorce, and people spend way too much time, energy and money obsessing over it. You are just too good for that type of life waster!

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The Legal and Psychological Ramifications of Infidelity

The Legal and Psychological Ramifications of Infidelity

Infidelity can have some big impacts on marriage other than the obvious and sometimes more damaging than the loss of trust. The long-lasting psychological effects for either partner along with the legal ramifications that can occur during the divorce proceedings should make more spouses reluctant to have an affair, but as with many mistakes we make in life infidelity is the result of living too much in the moment at the expense of future consequences.

Legal Ramifications

All states are now no-fault divorce states. It used to be that a person seeking a divorce would have to prove that pretty extreme events had taken place like cruelty, imprisonment, and adultery to name a few. This type of law has been interpreted by some to be a force to make divorces harder to get as they were seen as a morally wrong thing to do and should be avoided unless completely necessary.

A no-fault ground for divorce worries some clients when it comes to alimony and property division topics. It can be beyond frustrating for many that a no-fault system means that adultery doesn’t have to be considered when it comes to the division of marital assets unless funds were used toward the affair. A lot of times it can depend on the judge that rules over the case.

Florida is an equitable distribution state, which means that many factors go into the decision of property division. If a husband can show that his wife spent money on hotels or gifts for their secret lover, the husband can get this money back.

Psychological damage

Finding out that your partner has been having an affair can be a heartbreaking experience and cause serious emotional and psychological problems. Not only is it overwhelming information to deal with, but it can also be the turning point in a relationship from “ignorance is bliss” to filing for divorce. MaritalHealing.org maintains that infidelity can cause something called acute distress disorder. This can include the following symptoms:

  • Detachment from reality
  • Sadness and despair
  • Intense feelings of rage, hatred and the need for revenge
  • Fear and anxiety
  • Low self-esteem

How detrimental to a person’s mental health is finding out that the person you trusted enough to share a life with has been hiding their true feelings and has essentially replaced you with some other person? Victims often ask themselves what that person has that they don’t, but the answers are never satisfying.

Most people may not realize that being unfaithful actually inflicts some psychological damage on themselves as well as their unsuspecting partner. NetDoctor.co.uk states that those who go down the path of adultery can suffer from intense guilt and depression as feel they are always hiding their true feelings and looking for an escape from their marriage problems.

Adultery is never a healthy experience.

Cheating can do more damage than just erase any trust between two people that used to be in love. It can have financial implications if the couple does decide to divorce and the judge is sympathetic toward the victim of infidelity. There are long-lasting emotional problems that occur as a result of both parties in a broken marriage. These can easily be avoided if a person can be honest and deal with the problems in a marriage instead of looking for short term satisfaction with an affair.

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20 Divorce Means For Those Who Understand The Realities Of Divorce

20 Divorce Means For Those Who Understand The Realities Of Divorce

A divorce wouldn’t be complete without conflict, anger, and emotional pain. However, for those who experienced a lot of hardships and complications in their marriage, divorce might mean freedom and getting their lives back. Lucky them!

If you or someone you know has been through a divorce we promise, it will get better. So, to help you remember all the good times (sarcasm), check out these divorce memes we’ve collected just for you. Enjoy!

20 Divorce Memes

1. Raise your hand if you’ve dealt with this!

divorce meme

 

2. Let’s not hold our breaths!

divorce meme

 

3. Fingers crossed!

divorce meme

 

4. I know one of those “persons.”

divorce meme

 

5. Seriously, this isn’t hard to do!

divorce meme

 

6. Any good mother will make this look easy. 

divorce meme

 

7. Crazy? Who me? Nah!

divorce meme

 

8. Can you say, narcissistic fathers?

divorce meme

 

9. Get on out of here now!

divorce meme

 

10. If you’ve got any damn sense at all you do.

divorce meme

 

11. Don’t you dare forget!

divorce meme

 

12. Those little eyes and ears!

divorce meme

 

13. Head held high and a smile on your face.

divorce meme

 

14. Love yo self!

divorce meme

 

15. No more dysfunction junction for those babies!

divorce meme

 

16. Sounds like someone needs help with the bills!

divorce meme

 

17. When he says no one else will want you, he doesn’t know what the hell he is talking about.

divorce meme

 

18. We’re going to harness that power too!

divorce meme

 

19. Listen, just NEVER settle!

divorce meme

 

20. He is her problem now!

divorce meme

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your husband

How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

your husband's sexual addiction

 

If I put myself in the place of someone who has learned their spouse has a sexual addiction my first thought is, “I’m out of here.” That is a knee jerk reaction I image is shared by most that discover such disturbing information about a spouse.

Should that first reaction be the step you take? Is your marriage doomed to end because of sexual addiction? I personally don’t think divorce is the answer until you’ve turned over every stone and come to an educated decision about what is right for you and the marriage.

Below are things you can do that will help you make a final and educated decision about whether to stay or leave the marriage.

What to do About Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

1. Do your research; find out all you can about sexual addiction. When researching you should not only focus on the spouse who is sexually addicted but yourself also. I have found that most people research the problems of the other person in hopes of finding a way to change them.

When faced with marital problems the only person you can change is yourself. When gathering information be sure to find out what about you got you there, it can tell you a lot about whether or not you need to stay.

2. Find a good support group. You local mental health association can put you in touch with a sex addicts support group such as COSA, an organization for those whose lives have been negatively touched by the sexual behaviors of another person.

3. Find a therapist who is an expert in sexual issues and family of origin issues. There may be issues you need to address from your family of origin that lead you to marry someone with an addictive personality.

4. Do not tolerate what you feel is intolerable. People married to sex addicts, alcoholics or drugs addicts tend to be co-dependent. Co-dependents have a hard time setting boundaries with others about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.

The more adept you are at setting boundaries, the more self-esteem you will have and the more empowered you will feel.

5. Insist that your spouse become actively involved in a sex addicts support group. Not only does the addict need a 12 step program to address their issues, you, the wife, needs to see a willingness to work through their issues. If you stay in the marriage trust will need to be rebuilt and for that to happen the addict will have to show, via their own work that they are worthy of your trust.

6. Don’t threaten to leave the marriage unless you are serious. Empty threats to leave only reinforce the addict’s belief that he/she can behave inappropriately and you will still be there.  It won’t take your spouse long to realize that you aren’t really going to leave.

Instead of threatening to leave take action. If your spouse witnesses you researching the problem, going to support group meetings and setting firm boundaries you will send a stronger message than an empty threat to leave will.

It has been proven that to change another you must first change yourself. Responding in the same manner to any problem in your marriage only prolongs the problems. If your spouse sees you changing the way you typically respond to problems they may be spurred into making changes in themselves.

When it comes to addiction of any kind, the addict won’t address their own issues until they are faced with the likelihood of losing what is most valuable to them. If you focus on helping yourself instead of focusing on fixing the addict you are more likely to elicit the change you wish for.

If, in the end, your spouse refuses to seek help the likelihood of him/her changing is slim. Whether they change or not is unimportant because what you have done is take action to educate and protect yourself. Your future and emotional wellbeing will no longer depend on what your sex addicted husband does but on what decisions you make about what is and isn’t in your best interest.

There is a process psychologist referred to as “detachment.” What I have described above are the actions of someone who has detached themselves from their spouse’s behaviors. Detachment is a difficult process to explain BUT I believe it is the most effective way to deal with an addict.

If you want to “detach” and do what is best for you, the addict and the marriage print out the points below and change your behavior accordingly.

  • Accept and embrace your own inabilities to change the sex addict.
  • Do not engage in snooping or watching the sex addicts every move.
  • Accept that you cannot control the sex addict or what he/she does.
  • DO NOT react in the same old way.
  • Focus your time and energy on your life and what you want from your life.
  • Set boundaries in a loving manner and expect respect and kindness in return.
  • Detaching does not mean ignoring negative sexual behavior or becoming a doormat.
  • Accept that, in the end, your marriage may not survive.

The post How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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ways to tell if his affair is over

10 Ways To Tell If His Affair Is Over

ways to tell if his affair is over

 

Your husband had an affair. He says it is over and the two of you have decided, together, to put the marriage back together and work at rebuilding trust. For this to happen he will need to break off all contact with the other woman. He will need to prove to you that his affair is over

Since you’ve lost total trust in him, the last thing you trust him to do is, anything. For that reason below is a list of things you can request he do to prove that he has broken off contact with the other woman and doesn’t intend to see her again.

5 things to do to ensure he isn’t having contact with the other woman and the affair is over.

  1. Tell him you want access to his phone, email accounts, and social media accounts. That would mean him sharing his passwords with you and you being able to check those accounts at your will.
  2. Ask him to email her, in your presence, and tell her that the relationship is over. He needs to be specific about the fact that there will be no further contact via text, phone, and email or in person. Once that is done monitor his email account for any response from her. If she responds it is within your right to reply and let her know that she can no longer interfere in your marriage.
  3. Watch him as he deletes her number from his phone and her address from his email account. You will also want him to remove her from any social media connections. When possible on email and social media insist that he block her from being able to contact him.
  4. For added protection, you can insist he change his email address and his phone number. Make sure that his old email account is deleted and that you have access to his new account. Once he has a new phone number check your account with your cellphone provider for her number to make sure she doesn’t have access to the new number and communication is continuing.
  5. If he and the other woman work together tell him that you want proof that they have limited contact at work. If that entails him exposing the affair to his boss, so be it. If he was concerned about his reputation at work he wouldn’t have started an affair.

Some experts advise women to not put too much pressure on their husband. I’m not sure how trust can be rebuilt until you are 100% sure the affair has ended and, in some situations that may mean him doing things that he finds uncomfortable.

If your marriage is going to survive his infidelity the goal has to be to heal the wound to the marriage. You can’t begin to heal that wound until the other woman is totally out of the picture. Don’t be surprised if he finds it hard to cut her off completely. It may take a few stops and starts for him to be able to break away cleanly.

How to tell he is no longer in contact with the other woman:

  1. When he is willingly engaging in honest discourse about the affair and what needs to be done to restore the marriage and your trust in him.
  2. He isn’t dismissing your feelings about the affair and your need to talk about those feelings. By being willing to listen and validate your feelings he is taking responsibility for his hurtful behavior.
  3. The two of you have identified issues in your marriage that need to be fixed and are actively working, together, to make those changes.
  4. You are both focusing on what makes the other happy.

Rebuilding trust after an affair takes time. It comes one step at a time. Be patient with yourself and him. You will be able to tell in your gut whether or not you are both on the same page when it comes to saving the marriage.

The post 10 Ways To Tell If His Affair Is Over appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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what role does biology play in cheating

What Roles Does Biology Play In Cheating?

what role does biology play in cheating

 

Cheating is fairly common behavior. And, according to the video, The Science Behind Infidelity, biology plays a role in why some people cheat. It would seem, the choice to cheat may be driven by a strong biological urge.

Not something that excuses the cheating but, something to consider when dealing with a spouse’s cheating. Maybe. We all have biological urges; some we must respond to or damage or health. Urination for example.

The biological urge to have sex with someone other than your spouse won’t damage one’s health if that urge is denied. So, even though biology plays a role in cheating, we don’t have to give into the biological urges.

What Role Does Biology Play in Cheating?

1. Gene coding for a dopamine receptor plays a key role in cheating and sexual promiscuity for men and women. Research shows that individuals with at least one 7-repeat allele (7R+) report a greater categorical rate of promiscuous sex.

Dopamine is called the “happy hormone” and is released after pleasurable activities (Sex). Research shows that 50% of people who have the long allele variant of the dopamine receptor have cheated on their spouse compared to only 22% who have the short allele.

People with the long allele dopamine receptor also have a tendency to be risk takers and to abuse alcohol and drugs. So, the phrase, “once a cheater, always a cheater” may be true for those long allele dopamine receptor folks.

Want to make sure you aren’t marrying one of these long allele variant folks? Take them to a local lab and ask for collected buccal wash sample that is genotyped for the DRD4 VNTR. Or, marry them and trust they won’t give in to that particular biological urge.

2. Levels of the hormone vasopressin also play a role in cheating on a spouse. Vasopressin effects trust, empathy and sexual bonding. The higher the level of vasopressin receptors a man has, the more likely he is to cheat. And, the less likely they are to bond to a spouse emotionally.

3. Money or, how much more you earn than your wife, plays a role in cheating behaviors. Males who earn significantly more than their wives are more likely to cheat. Not good news for stay-at-home moms who earn no money!

But, on the other hand, stay-at-home Dads are more likely to cheat than stay-at-home Moms. According to Dr. Christin Munsch, “In an average year, there was nearly a 5 percent chance that women, who are completely economically dependent on their husbands, will have affair— while there’s about a 15 percent chance entirely dependent men do.”

It would seem women find being financially dependent on a husband easier than men who are dependent financially on a wife. Only when there are similar income levels between spouses does money not play a role in cheating.

Life Factors That Increase The Risk Of Cheating:

Unresolved emotional issues:

Unresolved emotional childhood issues can cause people to repeat negative relationship patterns. If you grew up exposed to parents who had a high conflict marriage due to their own inability to solve marital problems, you will take those patterns into your own relationships.

If you grew up with an obsessively controlling mother or father, you may carry resentment toward men or women into a relationship. Cheating is a subconscious way of “getting even” with a parent. In the end, it’s a spouse that pays the biggest cost, not the parents.

Baggage from past relationships:

People who haven’t let go and dealt with baggage from a previous marriage are more likely to cheat with a previous spouse. Be careful when becoming involved with a man or woman who still harbors negative or positive feelings for an ex.

Most think that “I hate my ex” means he/she is done with the ex. Not true! Hate and love share the same side of a coin. Hate is an emotion, meaning that person still has an emotional connection to their ex. That isn’t a relationship you want to become too involved in.

Bottom line, there are many reasons someone cheats. Be it unresolved family issues or biology we still have free will that allows us to make choices based on our moral beliefs.

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When Your Friend

To Tell or Not To Tell: When Your Friend’s Husband is Cheating

When Your Friend's Husband is Cheating

 

When your friend’s husband is cheating do you tell her? Of course, you would! As true friends, our loyalty is to our girlfriends! After all, she should know and she shouldn’t hear it from someone else. Deciding whether or not to tell her isn’t hard, but telling her won’t be easy.

Even if she suspects he is cheating, it’s not good news that you are sharing. There are so many factors to consider, I had to sort them into categories. There is a huge level of intimacy and vulnerability in this situation. Make sure that you handle yourself correctly and from the right perspective if you are faced with this scenario.

When Your Friend’s Husband is Cheating Do You Tell?

When to tell:  If your friend is among your inner circle, then don’t think twice about telling. These are friends with whom we share our secrets and our dreams and we count on their loyalty. We rely on them for our emotional support. These friends know that you love them and would never hurt them intentionally.

You may consider whether or not to say anything based on the information you have. For example, if you saw her husband out to lunch with someone THAT is not proof of adultery. If you saw him in a hotel bar cozying up to another woman, that might be different. You will know.

When NOT to tell: If your friend is not among your closest friends, you need to consider that relationship specifically. How much do you know about her personal life? For example, we spend a substantial amount of time with our co-workers and sometimes we share our personal lives with them. Sometimes, we don’t. Our relationship with that individual is a crucial factor. At what level is your friendship? Will she believe you?

If you don’t know the person well enough or have not established that level of trust or intimacy between you, then the news you share may backfire. Someone who does NOT know you on a deeper personal level may think you are wrong or that you have an ulterior motive for telling them. If you tell them, it may change your relationship with them forever.

As noted by Southam Consulting’s, 8 Easy Tips for Crucial Conversations, “People don’t get defensive because of the content of what you’re saying. They get defensive because of the intent they perceive behind it. When others become defensive, stop talking about the issue and clarify your purpose.”

As with any difficult conversation, being thoughtful in your delivery is critical.

There are some standards that may make sense under the circumstances, so I have listed them as Do’s and Don’ts below.

Do’s:

1)    Let the person know that you want to talk to them personally, privately.

2)    Preface the conversation with, “I have something I have to tell you.” (or similar opening.)

3)    Be direct and tell her what you know and how you know it. Like ripping off a band-aid, it’s better to just get it said.

4)    Make sure your friend knows that you would only tell her because you care about her and didn’t want her to find out another way. You can apologize for having to tell her bad news.

5)    Let her know that regardless of the news you shared, or her immediate reaction, you are entirely on her side and there to support her.

Don’t:

1)    Tell bad news casually. That means- Don’t tell them in passing. Don’t tell them via text, email, or social media.

2)    Don’t surprise her completely.

3)    Don’t try to sugar-coat the information or beat around the bush. Dragging it out will make her more anxious.

4)    Don’t make any snide comments about her husband like, “I knew I never liked him” or call him names… even if she does. You need to keep your decorum for both of you.

This is a tough scenario for friends to be in-and totally caused by someone else’s indiscretion. I have always felt “it’s better to know than not know” and “knowledge is power.” However, it’s important that you be discreet and sensitive.

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Jeff Bezos divorce

3 Lessons To Learn From Jeff Bezos’ Divorce

Jeff Bezos divorceThe celebrity divorce of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie after 25 years of marriage has generated thousands of news headlines as legal experts are weighing in on what might happen to their $137 billion fortune. This split will go down as one of the most expensive divorces in history.

Although most divorcing couples do not have nearly as much wealth at stake as the Bezos family, there still are some lessons to learn from their breakup.

Get a prenup!

Perhaps the most important takeaway is how valuable a prenuptial agreement can be in the event of divorce.

Most of the Bezos’ fortune was built during the course of their marriage. Since the couple lives in Washington, which is a community property state, most of their estate is subject to a 50-50 split.

Although more couples are requesting prenuptial agreements, they still are an underutilized tool that could save many divorcing spouses from a lot of headaches and heartbreak.

Unfortunately, prenups often are seen as a precursor to divorce and a detriment to marriage. After all, no one wants to even acknowledge the possibility of divorce when wedding bells are ringing.

But with approximately half of all marriages ending in divorce, you would be ignoring reality if you did not take steps to protect yourself from the worst-case scenario.

“It is important to understand that agreeing to a prenup is not planning on your marriage failing; it is providing a plan for how to deal with the property of the parties in the event the marriage does not last,” said Cordell & Cordell Co-Founder and Principal Partner Joe Cordell. “It is only ever used in the event that the marriage fails, which could happen whether or not the prenup was signed.”

Cordell & Cordell understands the concerns men face during divorce.

For Jeff Bezos, it was impossible to forecast the enormous fortune he would go on to build when he and MacKenzie first tied the knot. However, you do not have to be exorbitantly wealthy to benefit from a prenup. Generally, prenuptial agreements can cover:

  • Property rights
  • Rights for alimony or spousal support
  • Rights for attorney fees
  • Retirement accounts
  • Each party’s finances
  • Ownership rights in regards to life insurance or disability policies

It is important to get in touch with a men’s divorce attorney who can help you determine what to include in a prenuptial agreement and to ensure that it is in fact enforceable. This important step is possibly the best way to protect yourself from a nasty divorce.

Affairs can cost you

A potential confounding factor in Bezos’ divorce is that he started dating news anchor/actress Lauren Sanchez during the separation period from his wife. It is uncertain, but that relationship could give his wife MacKenzie more leverage.

In this day and age, judges are rarely concerned with who is to blame in the divorce since no-fault divorce is now the norm, but that relationship could spur MacKenzie to push for more in the divorce settlement than she might have otherwise.

In most cases, infidelity rarely affects the distribution of assets or child custody determinations, but it could impact alimony or spousal support depending on your state’s laws. A cheating spouse may lose their right to alimony if an affair can be proven, even with a no-fault divorce.

It pays to work things out

Although Amazon stakeholders are concerned about what this divorce could mean for the company, it is somewhat encouraging that the couple is at least reportedly parting on amicable terms.

In a tweet announcing the divorce, Bezos stated they are remaining “cherished friends.”

However, just because the divorce process begins on friendly terms is no guarantee it will remain that way. Cordell & Cordell Fairfax divorce attorney Aaron J. Weaver says he’s seen plenty of divorces start amicably before quickly deteriorating.

“What I’ve seen in my practice is it’s not uncommon for parties to start out in a collaborative way seeking settlement and at some point in time someone gets rubbed the wrong way in negotiations, pushes away from the table, and then sometimes mud starts getting slung,” Mr. Weaver said.

The unfortunate truth is that the family court system is set up in a way that breeds conflict. Society should do more to support amicable divorce as it is in the best interest of both parties involved and especially beneficial as the couple co-parents together if they have any children.

The post 3 Lessons To Learn From Jeff Bezos’ Divorce appeared first on Dads Divorce.

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can a couple rebuild trust after infidelity

How Can a Couple Rebuild Trust After Infidelity?

can a couple rebuild trust after infidelity

 

Infidelity is all too common and when it occurs it raises many questions. Should you stay? Can trust be rebuilt? Of all of the real-life stories of women interviewed for my research, Penny’s story best illustrates the searing pain of infidelity and how it can be toxic to all family members.

Penny, in her late thirties, says with passion in her voice, “My dad is a musician and his pattern was to marry (three times) and be happy at first. Then he went out to play the guitar, and he didn’t come home for several weeks. As I said earlier, he wasn’t a family man and should never have gotten married.”

As a young adult, Penny reenacted patterns from her past when she married Steven, who had several flings during their ten-year marriage. Penny was attracted to a partner who bore a strong resemblance to her father – who was emotionally unavailable and unfaithful to her mother.

In order to better understand infidelity and to find out if a marriage can be saved after adultery takes place, I decided to look to the experts.  What I learned may surprise you. The truth is that while infidelity can be devastating to a marriage, some specialists believe that it is important to try to resolve the crisis and rebuild trust if possible.

According to therapists Rona B. Subotnik, L.M.F.T and Gloria Harris, Ph.D., getting to the root of infidelity is crucial. In their popular book Surviving Infidelity they write, “Because extramarital sex still plays a role in the dissolution of many marriages, and because the divorce rate continues to be so high, it is important to know more about it.” Subotnik and Harris’s goal is to keep most marriages together – even after they’ve been crushed by the wounds of infidelity.

Surprisingly, there are many ways to assess the seriousness of the threat that infidelity has on your marriage. But first let’s look at some basic definitions of adultery, infidelity, and affairs. Adultery is either a legal or religious term defined as sexual relations with someone other than one’s spouse.

On the other hand, infidelity means unfaithfulness or disloyalty. Finally, an affair is defined as an illicit amorous relationship. In any case, our current culture tends to minimize or ignore the serious consequences of infidelity and to cover up the pain it causes.

The four types of affairs as described by Subotnik and Harris also include on-line affairs.

They are:

serial,

flings,

romantic, and

long-term.

At this point, you might wonder – what difference does it make?

Don’t all affairs have a severe impact on the integrity of marriage?

Serial

Actually, serial affairs are not always serious in terms of the threat they pose to marriage but they put a partner at great risk for exposure to AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Serial affairs, which can be described as a series of one-night stands and/or a series of many affairs, indicate an attempt to avoid emotional intimacy.

Flings

However, flings – which can be a one-night stand or can go on for months— don’t involve any emotional investment and are the least serious type of affair.

Romantic

Romantic love affairs- think the movie “Casablanca”- and long-term affairs pose the greatest threat to a marriage. The romantic love affair involves a high degree of emotional investment and can be quite serious if it goes on for some time.

Long-term

Just as the name implies, the long-term affair lasts for many years and poses the most threat to the integrity of the marriage because it involves a high level of emotional investment and can go on for decades.

How can a couple rebuild trust after infidelity?

Certainly, the loss of the marriage you envisioned for yourself can cause intense rage, jealousy, and sadness. For the most part, if you survived infidelity you went through the stages of grief and loss including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In many cases, coping with infidelity can be so painful that survivors can benefit from individual, couple, and group therapy. Being able to express your feelings in a safe environment can facilitate healing and reduce stress.

Examining your beliefs about love, marriage, and commitment are important as you try to rebuild trust with your partner after adultery takes place. It takes time to regain trust and it happens in degrees. Over time, an unfaithful partner may be able to restore trust and love in a marriage if they show trustworthiness through their words and actions.

If you have survived infidelity, you may decide that divorce is the only option. Even if you suspected that your partner was cheating, knowing for certain is intensely disturbing. In many cases, the decision to terminate a marriage is made by your partner. Regardless, divorce is typically a painful process for all involved.

Knowing the type of affair your spouse is involved in can help you determine the seriousness of it but does not take away the pain associated with it. Nonetheless, assessing the degree of severity and the threats that it poses to your marriage, can help you to make a decision about continuing in the relationship.

Follow Terry Gaspard on TwitterFacebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-lasting Relationship was published by Sourcebooks in 2016.

More from Terry

This blog originally appeared on movingpastdivorce.com

The post How Can a Couple Rebuild Trust After Infidelity? appeared first on Divorced Moms.



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