You Can’t Heal What You’re Afraid To Feel

You Can’t Heal What You’re Afraid To Feel

 

We have all been so disconnected from FEELING our FEELINGS that we innately believe we should do everything possible to turn away from and avoid them.

The messages we believe are ‘Don’t think about it’, ‘Do something to distract yourself from it’, ‘Think nice or grateful thoughts instead’.

Yet negative emotions, beliefs and unconscious programs are like housework. If unattended they simply pile up and get worse.

It’s my greatest desire that you escape the LIES you have been told about avoiding your emotions forever, and you come home to the ONLY way to Heal for Real.

Because the truth is … it is impossible to recover from trauma unless we feel our feelings.

 

 

Video Transcript

I understand the terror of our feelings.

They can feel TOO big.

We may believe the intensity of painful feelings will take us OUT.

We may have the fear that if we get mired in them, we will not be able to function.

Maybe you believe that healing is going to take forever and that you have to go slowly because you are feeling too much intensity.

And then there are all the unconscious ways we don’t want to ‘feel our feelings’.

Ways such as sneaky, pesky, egoic excuses that distract us from the inner work. Or we may stay busy or zone out with food, alcohol, TV and social media.

The ways that we can avoid emotions and self-medicate and self-abandon our Inner Being are endless.

Today I want to get right down to the essential truths that no-one really has been telling us – apart from people who now understand the truth about trauma recovery.

And this truth is… That it is impossible to recover from trauma unless you feel your feelings.

I want to take you through this step-by-step: why we must feel our feelings as well as how to do it safely, lovingly and powerfully – regardless of how much you have suffered and been through.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now to begin…

 

Feeling Your Feelings Was Vital Even Before Abuse

I certainly didn’t know how important it was to be able to feel my feelings before my Thriver Recovery. In fact, I wasn’t even in my body, partnered with myself in any way. How was I to know this was not healthy when this was my ‘normal?’

I know it has been the same for many of you – living disassociated; not being housed emotionally in your body; looking outwards to life whilst being stuck in survival programs – rather than generating self-creation.

When we are attempting to live life from the outside in, trying to work out what everyone else is or isn’t being, so that we can somehow respond to that to survive – we are a reactor and victim of life.

Yet what we really need to be is a responder and creator of it.

Being a reactor to life equals ‘how to lose’ – every time.

Reacting to life means – ‘I will try to adapt me to become what is necessary to make you grant me what I need to feel safe, successful and loved.’

Responding to life means – ‘I will align with my values, truths and boundaries regarding what my desired life is, and you will either lean in and join me in this experience or leave and clear the way for someone who shares my values and truths and does.’

It’s vital to understand that living life powerfully and successfully, from the inside out, is NOT a logical thing.

You can’t generate this by trying to logically make it happen.

And the reason why you can’t, is because your logical brain only generates 5% of your life experience. What is really unfolding as your life, is from your emotional composition, beliefs and subconscious programs.

Which in short is HOW you FEEL about any topic in your life and the TRUTHS you have EMBODIED about them.

If you haven’t yet come home to your Inner Being to resolve, partner with and heal your emotional self, in regard to the painful topics in your life, including of course narcissistic abuse, then your emotional feelings, beliefs and subconscious programs will be unhealed. They will remain traumatised.

This almighty remaining 95% of your life then rules your thoughts. This is why the stinking thinking and obsessive thoughts that beat you up don’t stop, no matter how hard you try to stop them.

The resolution?

To be in your body, embodied in responding and creating your life effectively. To feel and heal your emotions.

There is no other way.

 

What Your Feelings Are Not

Because of our human obsession to avoid our painful feelings, at all costs, we innately believe we should do everything possible to turn away from and avoid them.

Yet negative emotions, beliefs and unconscious programs are like housework. If unattended they simply pile up and get worse.

This is why, as people age, the trauma, sickness and breakdowns increase and, generally for all of us as members of a narcissistic abuse community, the abusers and the incidents get worse and worse and worse.

The real question is – ‘How bad does it need to get before I do meet my Inner Being and start doing the necessary housework there?’

One of the common reasons why we seem so committed to self-abandoning is the belief that our inner, painful emotions are going to reveal terrible and horrible things about us. Things that we simply may not be able to face.

This is an illusion; it’s not the truth. It’s part of the lie that has been fed to us.

Your negative emotions are NOT who you really are.

They are not your True Coded Divine Self. They are false ideas and lies that were inflicted upon you by other people; people who had these inflicted on them.

Yes, the dense energy of them HURTS. But just as you don’t associate a cut on your leg as ‘I am unlovable, unworthy of love and not worth loving,’ because it is as yet unhealed and feels intensely painful, you should not do the same with any intensely painful feelings.

The truth, which is organically coded into every one of us, is that we are divine, adored and loved beyond measure by all of Creation, because we are Creation itself.

This is the Truth that we are all, in this incredible time, returning to – if you are prepared to wake up, challenge the lies and do the inner work to live free of them.

There is only one way out of the lies… You need to turn within, face and release the negative emotions, and the false beliefs connected to them, and go free of them. You need to know, believe and live within your soul right to FULLY be yourself.

 

What Your Feelings Really Are

Your feelings are no less or more than a signal showing you whether you are integrated on any particular topic in your life or if you have beliefs and traumas blocking you from your True Self and Life.

This is how the ecology of life works regarding your feelings.

What you want with all your heart – love, success, happiness and health – is what your superconscious (God/Source/Creation), which is all the Higher Part of YOU, wants for you too.

This force is benevolent and all-loving.

Whether or not you achieve alignment with this Force, depends on what is going on in your manufacturing powerhouse – your subconscious. When you are aligned on any topic, you feel good and the real-life results unfold beautifully. You experience wholeness.

Triggered traumas, delays, disappointments, and even catastrophes, show you how your inner subconscious beliefs are not what your heart desires and what your Superconscious Creator wants to bring to you.

So, what is your real job?

To attend to the subconscious programs.

How do you do that?

Be at one with your emotions. Accept and bless all of them as the God Signal letting you know ‘where you are at’ with everything and everyone.

If you get caught up in the story, analysis, research and regurgitation of our wounds – meaning staying mired in them – you are missing the point.

You are not supposed to be a student of your negative emotions, any more than you are supposed to study life continually rather than just set yourself FREE to start living it.

What you are supposed to do is find and then LET GO of what is not serving you.

This is the trauma – the emotional fractures, lies, false beliefs and wounds – that are NOT who you really are.

But you can’t do that unless you are determined to meet them and be with them.

If you take the talk therapy track; you hang on to your victimisation. If you identify with these traumas and negative emotions, you simply get stuck and snagged up in your emotions.

If you join groups of ‘survivors’ or ‘victims’, then your only hope is to try to manage the symptoms of the remaining trauma inside of you.

Every time you decide that your negative emotions are you, or a part of you and your life, you hang on to them.

However, you can come back to the Soul Truth, that these negative emotions are only internalised false energies and beliefs inflicted on you.

They are NOT you!

When we Go Quantum we know that there is NO reason to regurgitate or be in the story.

We know we have methods that work directly with the subconscious in ways that the subconscious responds. We can feel, hold, load up and release dense trauma energy, unlike cognitive talk therapy, research and information gathering, which use our logical brain and doesn’t connect to or communicate with our limbic and nervous systems where the trauma energy is trapped.

Once we start working with our negative emotions the Quantum Way, we know that no matter what the trauma is, no matter how big and who it came from, that this information is truly irrelevant.

Yes the traumas you experienced were awful and terrible for you, and their effects have been grave, disastrous and far-reaching in your life, BUT what is relevant now is getting whatever that trauma is ‘up and out’ of your Being.

When this happens, you can simply return to your Coded True Self – which is joy, love, success and health.

When you start living this way, I promise you will realise that simply being with trauma – feeling it, loading it up without getting taken out into the head story, and then fully releasing it and living free from it – profoundly works.

These shifts are somatically felt.

It is so much more than ‘trying to think differently’.

It is a profound process of letting the pain and fear go, and being filled with your superconscious Light and Truth that reactivates you without trauma.

The result is this: you don’t just start trying to force yourself to heal and change – you just ARE healed and changed on that topic.

You emerge knowing and being the wholeness that you were once struggling to grasp, let alone retain.

But, as mentioned before, this doesn’t happen until you are willing to feel WHAT you need to feel and release and replace, from deep within your emotional visceral Being.

 

Being Self-Partnered and Feeling Your Feelings is Your True Divinity

When you start living like this, you will understand how natural it is to be in your body, navigating life from ‘Who Am I REALLY in regard to this?’ rather than trying to work out who to be via everything and everyone else.

It is such a relief to manage and heal your own painful emotions when triggered, rather than handing away your power to False Sources (narcissists) to try to force them to help you.

It is so beautiful to be anchored into your values and truths, and not to be so precariously susceptible to people’s actions, decisions and opinions of you.

When you are self-partnered and have fully accepted all of your emotions as divine and meant to be –‘You are showing me what I am in alignment with and what I need to heal within me’ – then you will become incredible self-accepting, self-loving and self-generative.

You will start to become and experience the glory of what it is to be an actualised human being – living life to your fullest potential; consciously aligning and integrating your subconscious with your conscious heart desires and superconscious Creator Self.

This is what Going Quantum is all about – going inwards and feeling. It is not just the new Neuro and Quantum Model of True Healing, it is also the model of your True Life.

If you deeply get this, let me know by writing below – ‘I am going to Go Quantum NOW!’

Self-partnering is the FIRST essential step to do this – and is exactly what my Thriver Processes teaches. Coming home powerfully, safely and lovingly to yourself.

I ask you to join me in my free healing workshop: The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.

You can do this by clicking the link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Narcissistic Abuse Is A Journey… But It Doesn’t Take As Long As You Think

Narcissistic Abuse Is A Journey… But It Doesn’t Take As Long As You Think

 

I don’t subscribe to narcissistic abuse recovery being a long drawn out process, simply surviving the effects of it, AT ALL.

Maybe you’ve been told that to heal from Narcissistic Abuse is a LONG hard road that could take you many years and even decades? And even then you will need to manage your symptoms – possible for life?

In today’s Thriver TV episode I want to help you heal – REALLY heal!

So, join me on a journey where you’ll experience deep soul mantras that will start to set you free in times and ways you never thought were possible.

 

Video Transcript

I know it is really normal to believe that recovery from narcissistic abuse is going to take you a really long time.

People will tell you that; people report this all the time.

And the reason they do, is because if the trauma from narcissistic abuse remains inside us, then it takes a long time to move past the insidious effects of it, and that’s if we can at all.

But there is a better way to do this journey of recovery.

A faster, more direct way that works. And this is what I want to talk with you about today.

It’s the way I recovered and thrived from symptoms and life events that seemed unhealable. It is also the Thriver Way that so many people, thousands in this Community, have successfully used as well.

It’s about mind and heart perspectives.

It’s about truths that set you free.

And these truths are everything.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now, to get started, I want to share with you the understanding of trauma and what it really means, along with how to switch to a Quantum understanding of it, to be in the driver’s seat to heal for REAL!

 

The Trauma of Abuse and What It Really Is

The trauma from abuse is horrific, and the trauma from narcissistic abuse is arguably the worst of the worst. It feels like a terrible black ink permeating your mind and emotions, which literally eats our soul alive.

When this horrifying trauma strikes, people are shocked that they can’t just ‘get up and on with it,’ like they possibly could do in the past.

What is this trauma really about?

It is about every inner survival fear and insecurity that any particular human can carry being FULLY activated, separating us from our True Self and Life.

The more power we hand away to False Selves (narcissists), rather than partnering directly with our Inner Being and all of Life in Quantum connected ways, the more we feel separated and cut off. We feel controlled by the narcissist, and everything we do is at the whim of what this False Source is or isn’t doing.

These people don’t provide us wholeness, solidness and safety. Instead, they bring to conscious life every unconscious fearful, limiting and generational past life and human collective wound that has been unmet and unhealed within our subconscious programs and psyches.

As human beings, these have all been a part of our human experience.

And it is these inner parts that they hook us in with, terrorise us with, and keep ripping us to shreds with.

These are the exact reasons we stay enmeshed and addicted to narcissists. It is why we are unable to let go, create healthy boundaries and render these people incapable of continuing to hurt us.

Here is the thing … when we don’t understand the truth that sets us free, then we are in for a long, hard road to recovery.

I really want to share with you this following truth. It is fundamental to you starting your recovery, or resetting it, in a way that will provide you a direct, straight line out to the other side – to your emancipation from pain and then Thriving.

Please repeat this after me.

‘This person in my life has found and is targeting and smashing the EXACT wounds that are holding me separated from my True and Thriving Life. If I stop making it about THEM, and make it all about ME and turn inwards to fully own, claim, release and heal from these wounds, then this person will have NO power over me.’

Feel this in your body.

It is the absolute cellular truth that your Inner Being KNOWS it is the truth. And you can only align with this truth if you are prepared to get out of blame and shame, looking outwards and working through your ego – which adores keeping you separated from yourself.

What we just said together is a coming home statement, which means you get into your body and start working with the one entity that you can control – you. They open you up to taking your life and your power back.

Now let’s move on to the next fundamental understanding of trauma that will set you free.

 

The Purpose of Trauma

To set the scene for this understanding, I really want you to know that Source/Creation/God wants for you EXACTLY want you want. Additionally, your soul wants to set up all the conditions to help you align with BEING the actual being who can generate this in your life.

The system of ‘so within, so without’ means that your inner composition needs to have the corresponding belief system to be able to experience what is desired as your real-life experience. Subconscious programs are absolute. They generate with life the validity of the belief system to the letter, without any preference or condition.

So, what this means is: the things in our life that aren’t working, including HORRIBLE abuse, must have a corresponding inner trauma connected to it.

If you want to remain victimised, you won’t want to accept this truth – which is totally understandable (I used to be there too!). But what this means is that there is no way out of the agony of more victimisation, powerlessness, and pain. And this is why I am so passionate about you Going Quantum and finding a way to free yourself from the victimisation, the pain and the ongoing trauma that DOES WORK.

This is done by knowing that the trauma you are feeling, which the narcissist is smashing mercilessly, is the signal of the internal beliefs and fractures that are the barriers to your True Self and True Life.

It is powerful beyond measure when we stop condemning the trauma and instead KNOW that every emotional trigger felt is granting us our greatest emancipation opportunity. It is your key to freedom. You are being led UP and OUT of what you are currently experiencing. But not only this, it is opening you up to the ongoing possibility of emancipation from established patterns and further limits in your future.

I ADORE this next mantra, which I really want to share with you because it encapsulates perfectly what I’ve just been saying. So, repeat after me:

‘I bless and accept this trauma as Divine and so meant to be, because I know that it going off in my body is letting me know exactly what to turn towards, load up and release to emancipate and exalt my life way beyond the life I am living. Because of this trauma becoming consciously known, I CAN claim my True Self and Life free from these wounds and limits.’

Okay … breathe and feel this cellularly in your body. Your body knows it’s true, if you open up, breathe and allow this statement to soak through you.

I promise you that is my credo – I adore and embrace all my triggers. I love them. I know their purpose. I know that my soul and all of Creation is totally geared to flourishing me with my True Self and Life. And what this means is that anything that is NOT just that, will come up as dense, painful energy to release and live free from, so that I can make inner space to experience Who I Really Am.

I know it can seem really tough, but it’s so important to bless this time and honour it. Because, truly, you are not just shedding months or years of trauma, you are releasing generational, childhood, past life and collective traumas.

Without this method, it will take you lifetimes to release all these accumulated traumas…

If you ever could.

You are also releasing trauma for humanity itself. Each time you shift, you are freeing the collective from internal programmed wounds.

We are on Divine assignments here, and I promise you that when you embrace it and bless it, you are on your way to fast-track recovery.

Now I want to talk about why breakdowns are vital.

 

Breakdowns Leading to Breakthroughs

If you were to build on an allotment on the site of an old, broken-down house, the most effective way to do this would be to demolish and rebuild.

The same applies with the emotional traumas in our life.

Of course, it is terrifying to let go of what we know and to allow the breakdown/breakthrough process to happen through us.

Yet, I want you to know, with all of my heart, that night-time is it’s darkest just before daybreak.

It is when we are in the worst possible breakdown, thinking that we cannot handle any more pain and darkness, that we are totally on the cusp of the breakthrough – IF we let the breakdown energy of the old GO.

As humans, this has been our greatest struggle – to recognise the divine order that is always generating wellbeing, if we get ourselves out of the way.

We miss these breakdown opportunities. We freeze, hang on to the horrific inwardly triggered trauma, create defences around it, and even fight to righteously reinforce it in our lives. We have all the reasons why we should hang on to the trauma.

This is akin to being taken down a rapid river and not going with the ecological flow, but trying to stop the process, only to get smashed disastrously against the rocks.

Triggered trauma is your breakdown – it is telling you ‘This is NOT your True Self and True Life’. If you meet this trauma, feel the energy of it in your body, and then release it, accepting your breakthrough, then you fill where that trauma once was with Source. This is the shift in Quanta Freedom Healing and the main Quantum Healing component in NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

The breakthrough happens within (in your Inner Universe) before it happens without (in your Outer Universe).

This means your emotions regarding the trauma must FIRST shift before the situation in your life can.

How do we know that we have successfully midwifed a breakdown to the beginning of our breakthrough?

We know because the feelings of negative emotions, victimisation and powerlessness are gone and replaced with feelings of peace and inner calm. You may even sense that ‘everything is in perfect order, no matter what it looks like’.

People may think it is ‘magical thinking’ that a shift on the inside will change your life and how narcissists react to you.

But to think like this truly is NOT realising the grand ramifications of the shift you achieve inwardly.

When you become different, your life becomes different. And this has nothing to do with what other people are or aren’t doing, because what has changed is HOW you respond to them as a different being.

As the Quantum Creator of your Life, you are always generating your life to the letter as per your beliefs, choices and actions – whether unconsciously or consciously. Narcissists in our life experience are giving us the evidence, in hardcore brutality, of what we must clean up.

When you shift to inner calm – your beingness WITHOUT that trauma – and make this inner calm your highest priority, you will discover your emotional triggers become significantly reduced or even non-existent.

You stop being derailed by your wounds. You cease to react in ways that hand the narcissist the narcissistic supply that incites them to keep wanting to abuse you for more narcissistic supply.

By cutting off narcissistic supply, and building your own inner integrity and power, you take back your power. And then you discover that you have aligned with all of the Field on that topic you were previously struggling with.

All of a sudden solutions and support show up where there was none. The right ideas, inspirations, people, synchronicities, information and events will come into your life experience to support you and to add to your wholeness and freedom (because you are BEING that BEING on the inside).

When you live this way of life consciously, you know these are not opportunities to be missed.

This is beyond powerful.

Okay, let’s anchor into this Quantum Truth by repeating the following mantra together.

‘I know that when I am in my darkest, most painful times, if I pledge to meet it and release it and bring in my Light to replace it, that I will powerfully and quickly transform to a New Self, generating the Life that I was always meant to live. And so it is amen!’

Now, after feeling that statement in your body, I would love you to pause this video and tell me in the comments below how this feels for you? Does it feel congruent in your body, or do you have some doubts and questions still?

 

The Way to Thriver Recovery

The three perspectives and understandings I’ve just shared with you, in my opinion, are the biggest and most impactful – they change everything about recovery.

It doesn’t mean that the road to recovery is always a straight line and always easy.

Absolutely it’s inner self-work; it takes effort and full, loving self-commitment. But the results are not just amazing – they are life-giving. They promise, hold and then deliver the only life that was ever going to truly gratify us – a life of living free of our limiting beliefs and wounds.

I feel so blessed every day that I have the best, most gratifying and glorious job helping people achieve a way of life, which narcissists have forced us to find, so that we can save our souls.

Furthermore, I personally live this life every day as a complete Quantum lifestyle.

It’s the only life I’ve ever found that really works – and it continues to bring me such joy every day. So much joy that my heart can barely hold it all.

I want that for all of us.

Those of you already NARPing – if you require assistance to get your Thriver Recovery going, please come into the Private NARP Member’s Forum. Here you have unlimited, free lifetime support from the best Quantum Abuse Recovery Specialists in the world.

To access this please click this link.

And, for those of you ready to start NARPing, because you want this True Life too, please check out the complete Program now by clicking this link. 

I so hope this video has helped.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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What Happens When Narcissists Get Old?

What Happens When Narcissists Get Old?

 

An elderly narcissist without narcissistic supply can be very difficult to be around.

Maybe you are wondering if they will mellow with age or whether you are finally going to see Karma make amends for all the horrible things they have done to you.

What is the fate of an ageing narcissist?

Wanting to know this is normal and TOTALLY understandable!

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I am excited to share with you the TRUTH about what is going on with narcissists as they age.

 

 

Video Transcript

People ask this question a lot.

They want to know…

‘Does their behaviour improve?’

‘Do they mellow or do they get worse?’

‘What is their fate as they age?’

These are all such great questions, and in today’s TTV episode I’m really looking forward to answering them for you.

But before I do, I want to thank each and everyone who has subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t yet subscribed, please do so. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Alright, let’s get started.

 

Unconsciousness Creates Big Cracks

This is what I believe about living unconsciously – lack of integration and peace with Self will show up in one’s life.

We know narcissists shove and plunder their way through life in conscienceless ways, taking by charm or force or manipulation other people’s energies and resources to feed their insatiable False Selves.

On the surface it may seem like they are having a wonderful time – prospering even.

But are they really?

I used to believe that the ex-narcissist in my life had it all, much of it at my expense, and was even thriving, whilst my life was stripped bare, with no hope of recovery.

Now I know what a grand illusion that was.

Because, after my own soul recovery and self-partnering to come home to me, I now know how agonising it is to be disconnected from Self and not being integrated and at peace.

And this is regardless of what stuff, results and successes are achieved.

For the narcissist – stuff and people are ‘things’, mere commodities, that are only attempts at self-medicating away the pain that is the narcissist’s constant inner trauma. But no achievements, people or things can ever resolve this trauma.

I love what George Carlin said, which supports this idea: ‘Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.’

This is the thing – the narcissist is always hungry and never satisfied. Their actions are the urges of a disordered egoic self that is insecure, empty and self-loathing. It is the ‘always trying to seek salvation’ from outside of self, rather than self-partnering and healing oneself back to inner wholeness.

It is a never-ending, fruitless hamster wheel with no way off, that they are on.

The narcissist has crossed the line into being out of alignment with inner authenticity.

He or she lies, schemes and has agendas. And every time the narcissist is not operating from a place of inner and solid truthfulness, he or she is damaging the integrity of their inner being even more.

The narcissistic personality grows in intensity, and as it grows so does the need for more lies and falsities, to cover a fictitious life.

The damage of a life lived out of integrity means that there is always another responsibility to avoid, bullet to dodge, scheme to hatch, and another source to groom because of the inevitable destruction of the current one.

 

Losing the Ability to Get Narcissistic Supply

Mining the acclaim, notoriety, attention, and energy from others, to buffer the narcissist’s empty inner self with significance, takes a lot of effort.

This is a delicate balancing act for a narcissist.

As a hugely insecure person, who requires a BIG feed of narcissistic supply to escape the inner torment of feeling unworthy, empty and insignificant, narcissists need to be effective when it comes to the amount of energy expended for the harvest reaped.

As narcissists get older, they start losing charm, energy and ways to get narcissistic supply.

When the glory days start fading into the background, and they lose their ability to garnish supply, narcissists traditionally take it out on the people who are still attached.

In relation to ageing narcissists, this could be their spouse or a child, who they have groomed to dump their anger on and have made responsible for their needs and abuse.

If this is your plight – I’d really love you to watch my video ‘How To Handle an Elderly Narcissist’ so that you can understand how to take your power back and heal from being abused in this way.

 

An Elderly Narcissist Without Narcissistic Supply

This really is the same as a sick narcissist who can’t get narcissistic supply. When they run low or empty, without their primary drug of choice – the attention and significance that self-medicates away the inner pain of being themselves – narcissists can become totally delusional, manic, unreasonable, abusive and, quite frankly, may go insane.

Their mask may drop completely, leaving their disorder front and centre for all to see.

He or she may throw all caution to the wind and attempt frenetically, and even pathetically, to try to get narcissistic supply.

It is a shock when you see an elderly narcissist unravel in this way, and become a shadow of their former fictitious self. And it is when they age that the truth always, eventually, comes out.

I believe we die as we live. A life authentically lived, shows the successful results even in declining years. Whereas a life lived as a False Self, ends up where it was always going to go – a fall from grace that never was real in the first place.

 

As Narcissists Age Does Karma Pay Them Back?

The answer to this question is ‘yes’. However, despite any acquisition or outer appearances, it is important to know that the narcissist’s karma – the intense emotional disintegration and pain from living a life out of alignment with self, life and others, is ever present.

One’s soul is not durably happy as a result of ‘getting’. Every soul can only reach wholeness as a result of ‘being’. The state of the inner beingness of a narcissist is disastrous; their emotions being ever reliant on the precariousness of obtaining narcissistic supply, are damaged and unstable.

As narcissists age, their out-of-alignment disintegration often extends to health issues as well as emotional and mental delusions. It’s also common for them to have financial disasters, as they lose the ability to hold up the house of cards that their life really was. Family and friends often turn away from them in droves – especially as the mask falls.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard exactly those reports.

Let me just share this true-life story that encapsulates all of this.

A friend of mine had a narcissistic father who was a high roller – throughout his life he owned Sunshine Coast penthouses, fancy cars and married several, much younger, women.

As an old man in his 80’s, he married a young Asian lady. This lady got him to build her a home overseas and then divorced him. She kept the lot.

He returned to Australia with Parkinson’s Disease and dementia, and was under surveillance in the nursing home because of his inappropriate, and often nasty, behaviour toward staff and other patients.

His phone was confiscated because he constantly went on dating and gambling apps.

This narcissistic man ended up with nothing but humiliation, shame, and failure, and his family only visiting him when it was absolutely necessary.

If you know of an ageing narcissist who has fallen from grace, please pause this video and share the information below.

 

Bringing Our Focus Back to Healing Ourselves Rather Than Focusing on Narcissists

Of course, I understand why you are asking this question about ageing narcissists.

Maybe you have an elderly narcissist in your life, who is driving you crazy.

Or possibly you have been hurt so much by a narcissist in your life, you are wondering how their life will turn out – and dearly hope it won’t be good.

But I really want to invite you to take your focus off the narcissist and firmly on healing yourself. And I’m asking you to do this so that you will not only break free from the terrible affliction of narcissistic abuse, and enter the trajectory of your True Self and True Life, but also so that your life will in no way be conditional on what does or doesn’t happen to the narcissist as he or she ages.

Truly he or she is in emotional hell every second of every day – there is nothing to envy here!

I know that you may be feeling like you too are in a total emotional hurricane, with no way out, and that your life could be horrific, on many levels, as you age. I promise you this doesn’t have to be your reality at all.

Unlike the narcissist, who is not going to turn inwards and start generating his or her only REAL emancipation and healing from emotional trauma, which is achieved regularly in this Community by doing the Quantum Inner Work – you can.

And once you do this, you truly won’t care less about what does or doesn’t happen to the narcissist. You will know that your highest mission is always about honouring your inner being and health.

When you get that part of it right, I promise you that you will no longer be shackled by the guilt, obligation, and pain that may have been allowing a narcissist to suck you dry.

It’s then that your True Self and True Life can begin – no matter what age you are or what you have lost as a result of narcissistic abuse.

To help you truly understand what I’m saying I want to share this resource, which I’d love you to watch: What To Do If You Feel Like You’re Too Old To Recover From Abuse.

 

Okay, so if it is time to heal, to let go of wondering and claim your resurrection freedom and joy – come join me.

Because I will show you how in time frames and ways that you did not even know were possible. To do this, simply click on this link. 

I so hope this video has helped.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Narcissistic Parent booket cover

Phases of Immediate Solution

When Dr. Childress provides training to Child Protective Services, at that point we will have reached the end. That is the arc we are on. It will eventually result in ether Dr. Childress providing training to CPS, or if I’m not around, then the rest of clinical psychology will be providing training for Child Protective Services.

There are points along the path. The publication of Foundations was a substantial step forward along that path.  The presentation to the APA of the paper, Empathy, the Family, and the Core of Social Justice (Childress & Pruter, 2019) at the national APA convention represents another milestone point along the path.

Beginning the Journey to (Immediate) Solution

I had the structure of AB-PA by 2013, you can see that from my posts to my website: 

Childress, (2013) Reconceptualizing Parental Alienation: Parental Personality Disorder and the Trans-Generational Transmission of Attachment Trauma

Childress, (2013) Parental Alienation and Boundaries of Professional Competence

I didn’t think this knowledge would be used at the time, it was too early in the process. But one of the primary principles guiding my work throughout has been to make the information available as quickly as I had it.  If it can help one person, one family as we shift into system-wide solutions, then the knowledge and information is available.

Public Education Responsibilities

Part of our role as clinical psychologists is to provide the public with knowledge from professional psychology when that knowledge would be helpful for solving problems.

For example, in school-based clinical psychology (ADHD, learning disabilities, behavior problems) we are often in the role of educating teachers about the knowledge of professional psychology and interventions in the classroom. If we do an assessment and the child has a learning disability, autism-spectrum pathology, or ADHD-spectrum pathology, we explain the child’s difficulties to the parents, teachers, and school in language and ways they can understand, that will help the child receive the proper support and treatment. In our reports we provide specific recommendations for solutions that parents and teachers can use at home and in the classroom to reduce the child’s pathology and maximize the child’s development and education.

Take a look at my vitae (Childress Vitae). Toward the back you’ll see where I have all those preschool training seminars. That corresponds to my work at Children’s Hospital and the University of California Irvine (UCI), Child Development Center. I was out providing education seminars for preschool teachers on ADHD-spectrum issues in children, and solutions for the preschool-age child.

Who was paying me to do that? Not the preschools. Choc and UCI Child Development Center had grants from the state and county, and part of the grant money allowed me to provide training for preschool teachers on issues like school readiness, child development, functional behavioral analysis (FBA), and behavioral and attachment issues. Preschool age is a prominent age for attachment and separation issues.

I’m not the “AMAZING” Dr. Childress, “expert” in child development. I’m just a clinical psychologist doing what we all do, in our areas of knowledge. If a clinical psychologist works with eating disorders, they educate the public with whom they interact about eating disorders, same for a psychologist who works with schizophrenia, or autism, etc. That’s what we do, that’s part of our job.

Sometimes it’s one-on-one with a teacher, sometimes it’s in session with our specific client, sometimes it’s more general seminars for the public on our domain of pathology knowledge.  For me as a school-oriented clinical psychologist, I provided seminars for teachers or the PTA (parents).  I once provided a day-long seminar arranged through the UCI Child Development Center (Dr. Swanson) for all of the county’s Head Start teachers.  Several  years later, while in private practice, I provided a seminar for all the summer camp counselors for Los Angeles county, several hundred summer counselors, on handling and responding to autism-spectrum pathology in children.  

That’s what clinical psychologists do.  Commonly.  We educate, about pathology, about solutions.

We’re not “experts” – we’re clinical psychologists. We have knowledge, we apply knowledge, that’s what we do. Most of the time, no one notices us. We work with the client child and parents, in our office, confidential, no one sees… we change things by applying knowledge.

What knowledge? Anything we need. We know everything about the pathology we’re working with, and if we shift pathologies, we learn everything there is to know about the new pathology. That’s called “boundaries of competence” – the “boundary” is knowing everything about that pathology. Everything.

Knowledge & Boundaries of Competence

On my Vitae, you can see when I expanded into early childhood and attachment I took additional training in diagnosis and treatments related to early childhood mental health, and an additional seminar series from Fielding Graduate University in infant psychology.  I was already a clinical psychologist working with ADHD and autism, and when I expanded to early childhood more generally, I sought out additional training.  You can see it on my vitae.

If a clinical psychologist is working with a pathology, that clinical psychologist knows everything there is to know about that pathology.  That’s called standard of practice for a clinical psychologist.

That’s what I find so amusing and frightening about these people calling themselves “experts” over here in forensic psychology.  If they know everything there is to know about the complex attachment-trauma family systems personality disorder pathology they are involved with, then they have just reached the ground foundational level of a clinical psychologist.

Hi.  Glad to see you.  I’ve been waiting to have a discussion about the epigenetic transfer of a fear-organized brain from trauma instead of a healthy brain organized by healthier attachment bonding motivations.  And I’ve been dying to discuss the hyper-aroused intersubjective field from selective affective attunement and misattunement, the child as a regulatory object, and the child’s disordered emotional regulation during the breach-and-repair sequence.  Clearly this is a cross-generational coalition and emotional cutoff from multigenerational trauma, in which unresolved parental anxiety from childhood trauma is intruding into and overwhelming the child’s psychological boundaries, creating the enmeshed over-involved relationship that is compensated for by the emotional cutoff.

Perry, Sapolsky, Stern, Tronick, Minuchin, Bowen.

That discussion would be basic competence for a clinical psychologist.  Over here in forensic psychology, those sentences are like speaking Martian to another professional.  Parents shouldn’t understand what I just said and engage me in professional dialogue on each of those three points (there are only three points in all of that, one for each sentence).  Nor should legal professionals necessarily know what I just said and be able to engage in professional dialogue about those three issues.

But every single mental health professional working with this pathology should absolutely understand the full meaning and impact of all three issues raised by that paragraph, and should be able to dialogue about each one at a professional level.

Number four is, to what degree is the delusional pathology related to disorganized attachment pathology in the parent?  There’s four issues that should be easily conversant for the clinical psychologist.

If the “expert” knows everything there is to know about attachment, and trauma, and family systems therapy, and personality pathology, and the neuro-development of the brain in the parent-child relationship, then… they have reached the standard level of a clinical psychologist working with that pathology. 

So on a scale of 1-to-100, if a clinical psychologist knows 99-100, everything there is to know about the pathology… what’s the rating for an “expert” over here in forensic psychology?

From what I’ve seen, it’s about 0-to-5.  Seriously, that is what I see.  I see a lot of made up stuff, no actually grounded application of knowledge.

But the “experts” are claiming some sort of superior special “knowledge” beyond everything there is to know in multiple domains of psychology (attachment, family systems therapy, personality disorders, complex trauma, the neuro-development of the brain; Bowlby, Minuchin, Beck, van der Kolk, Tronick).  Yet they don’t even actually apply any of the existing knowledge of professional psychology. 

And they are supposedly the “experts” in the pathology.  A truly remarkable phenomenon of the social distribution of narcissistic pathology when ignorance becomes the “expert.”

In ADHD, Russell Barkley, Keith Conners, and Jim Swanson would all be considered preeminent “experts” – but it is others who look to them in that role, they don’t claim to be “experts” – we, the rest of us, see it in their body of work.  They are the producers of the knowledge through their research, often clinical research, and yet we all know exactly the same knowledge – every one of us knows the same knowledge.  We’re clinical psychologists working with ADHD, we know everything there is to know about the pathology, the recognized preeminent figures are the ones generating knowledge, we all know the same knowledge, we learn, we apply, we all know the same knowledge.

We, clinical psychologists, also rely heavily on the research, that’s why we basically know the same knowledge across all clinical psychologists working with any given pathology. We learn everything there is to know, then we read journals to stay current. That’s true of the clinical psychologists working with eating disorders, or autism, or attachment pathology, or ADHD. That’s considered standard of practice.

It’s been a while since I was directly involved with autism, but back in the day I would have considered Stanley Greenspan (Floor Time) the preeminent “expert” among many. Autism clinical psychology relies heavily, heavily, on research knowledge. I studied directly with Dr. Greenspan.  You see that DMIC diagnostic system on my vitae?  That’s from Dr. Greenspan and the Interdisciplinary Council.  For DMIC diagnostic training, I went back to Virginia for a 4-day series of training seminars in that early childhood diagnostic system.  

The DMIC is way more sensitive to autism-spectrum symptom features than the DSM-IV back then, but the DSM-5 revision caught up to some degree, I like the direction of the DSM-5 revisions to the autism-spectrum diagnosis.  The other early childhood diagnostic system on my vitae, the DC:0-3, is wonderfully sensitive to attachment symptoms and features.  It’s become established as THE early childhood diagnostic system for clinical care.  For billing purposes the DSM-5/ICD-10 system remains required, but the DC:0-3 is the clinical care diagnostic system for early childhood (attachment-spectrum pathology).

When we work with a pathology, a clinical psychologist knows everything there is to know about that pathology.  Everything.  Everything.  That’s called the boundary of our competence… everything there is to know, that is the boundary.  When we reach everything, then we reach the boundary and are now competent with that pathology.

In trauma, the recognized “experts” are Bruce Perry and John Briere for death-trauma and Bessel van der Kolk for complex trauma (relationship-based trauma in childhood). Death-oriented trauma is when the nervous system becomes overwhelmed by fear and arousal.  That’s from community violence or combat exposure, or rape. Perry and Briere are the leading figures there.  Then there’s a second type of trauma where the nervous system never becomes overwhelmed by fear, but is always bathed in constant unrelenting stress and fear.  That’s called “complex trauma” and the leading figure in complex trauma is Bessel van der Kolk.  I am a huge-huge fan of van der Kolk in childhood trauma.

When I was Clinical Director for an early childhood assessment and treatment center, our clinical staff participated in a three-day online seminar with Bruce Perry on trauma.  Remarkable.  His work on full trauma is remarkable, spot-on.  Briere is wonderful, I am fully in line with Bruce Perry for trauma.

Yet we all know the same knowledge, they are leaders in finding that knowledge. They share it.  We learn it. We use it.  We teach it.  The scientifically established knowledge is what it is.

We could consider the leaders in finding the knowledge, Perry, Briere, van der Kolk in trauma; Barkley, Connors, Swanson for ADHD; Bowlby, Ainsworth, Sroufe for attachment; Minuchin, Bowen, Madanes in family systems therapy; Kernberg, Beck, and Millon in personality disorders, they could be considered the “experts” in their respective fields because they generate the scientifically established knowledge… but we all know the same knowledge, and we all apply the same knowledge, the scientifically established knowledge of professional psychology.

Through scientifically grounded research, they find knowledge and share knowledge, we learn knowledge and we apply knowledge.  Everyone knows the same knowledge in whatever field we work, and we always know everything there is to know about the pathology, that is the entry into professional competence in working with that pathology.

So the knowledge of professional psychology moves from its source in the scientific research out into application through the clinical psychologist.  They find it in research, we apply it in practice.

In personality disorders, it is absolutely start with Otto Kernberg (depth), that’s what I Kernberg book coverwas told by Dr. Schfranske when I entered personality disorders, that’s what I would tell a post-doc entering personality disorders – start with Kernberg.  Then expand to Theodore Millon (descriptions), Aaron Beck (models), and Marsha Linehan (treatment). All four are essential, each has a different orientation, they blend into a comprehensive understanding of “personality disorder” pathology.  I put quotes around “personality disorder.”  

With the pathology, you’ll also want to know the Dark Triad personality.

Paulhus, D. L., & Williams, K. M. (2002). The dark Triad of Personality: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy. Journal of Research in Personality, 36, 556–563.

“First cited by Paulhus and Williams (2002), the Dark Triad refers to a set of three distinct but related antisocial personality traits: Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. Each of the Dark Triad traits is associated with feelings of superiority and privilege. This, coupled with a lack of remorse and empathy, often leads individuals high in these socially malevolent traits to exploit others for their own personal gain.” (Giammarco & Vernon, 2014, p. 23)

Personality disorders as a separate pathology are going away.  They almost went away with the DSM-5.  The research is identifying “personality disorders” as trauma-related pathology, particularly complex trauma attachment-related pathology.

For attachment pathology, the grand-god is John Bowlby.  The grand-pantheon of clinical psychology is Freud, Beck, and Bowlby.  My personal pantheon is Stern (neuro-development), Ainsworth (attachment research), and Minuchin (family systems therapy).

Bowlby has three volumes, Attachment, Separation, and Loss.  For me, Mary Ainsworth symbolically represents all of the research handbook of attachmenton the attachment system from the past 50 years.  There is substantial research on the attachment system, it is one of the best research data sets in professional psychology, rivaling autism and surpassing ADHD in my opinion.  The attachment research even extends down to the neuro-biological level (right prefrontal orbital cortex; Shore). 

The central organizing book for the research information is the Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Application.  If I was training a post-doc in attachment, this is the book I would assign the post-doc to read.  For a post-doc under my supervision, I would require all of the book (it’s a thick book) and about 20 additional articles I’d select, for a pre-doctoral intern, I’d assign three or four chapters from this book and two articles if the intern was working with attachment pathology under my supervision.

But that is definitely not all that’s needed from attachment.  Fonagy is must, Stern is a must, Tronick is a must, Sroufe’s longitudinal research is a must… all four… must know.  Siegel, The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Developing MindBrain Interact to Shape Who We Are is an entry book.  Siegel is not the direct line researcher (Stern, Tronick, Shore, Trevarthan, others) but he pulled all of the knowledge into one organized book place.

We all know what each other knows.  Research.  It is all based on the scientific research.  Some, like Ainsworth and Stern and Tronick, generate the research, some like Siegel and Shore organize the research into single location books.  The rest of clinical psychology learns and applies the research when working with the pathology, any pathology, all pathology.

That’s how clinical psychology works throughout all of the rest of professional psychology… except here, in court-involved forensic psychology, a “special” type of psychology.  

When a clinical psychologist is working a pathology, that psychologist knows everything there is to know about that pathology… everything.  That is called the “boundary” of our competence – knowing everything about the pathology.  Once we reach everything we cross the boundary into competence.

Everything.  Then we read journals to stay current. That is the boundary.  If that is true, then you are competent to practice with that pathology.  If that is not yet true, then you are not yet competent to practice with that pathology and you need to learn more until that becomes true – know everything.

APA Ethics Code
Standard 2.01 Boundaries of Competence 
(c) Psychologists planning to provide services, teach, or conduct research involving populations, areas, techniques, or technologies new to them undertake relevant education, training, supervised experience, consultation, or study.

That’s why you will typically not see clinical psychologists with a very wide spread of treatment specialties, because we need to know EVERYTHING about the pathology in order to add it to our competence… everything = basic competence.  If you don’t know everything, then you need to “undertake relevant education, training, supervised experience, consultation, or study” – that’s not optional, that’s required, mandatory.

The APA ethics code is not optional for psychologists.  Mandatory, required.

What’s pretty “special” over here in forensic psychology are the huge number of “experts” of all hues and shades.   Positively awash in “experts” and entirely absent of applied knowledge, a remarkable phenomenon.  Rather than knowing everything about a pathology being standard of practice for professional competence, instead we have “experts” describing ideas without any research foundation to support them. It’s a loose definition of “knowledge” that’s not linked to any actual reality.

From everything I see as a clinical psychologist, the “experts” here in forensic psychology are actually ignorant.  That is not a personal criticism, that’s simply language.

Google search: ignorant ADJECTIVE
1. lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.
2. lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about a particular thing.

The glaring absence of knowledge is in family systems therapy.  Attachment is another area of complete ignorance.  Again, that’s language.

Google search: ignorance NOUN
1. lack of knowledge or information.

The neuro-development of the brain in the parent-child relationship is another area of complete ignorance (language: a complete lack of knowledge and information).

Complex trauma is still another area of near-complete ignorance, and even for personality disorders there is only marginal knowledge only occasionally displayed.

In order to be competent with complex family conflict surrounding divorce, the mental health professional must be knowledgeable in five areas of professional psychology (i.e., know everything), 1) attachment, 2) family systems therapy, 3) personality disorders, 4) complex trauma, 5) the neuro-development of the brain in the parent-child relationship.

Bowlby – Minuchin – Beck – van der Kolk – Tronick.

Yet none of the mental health professionals here in forensic psychology possess all five domains of required knowledge, and most of them possess none of the necessary knowledge… zero.  They are, by definition, ignorant… and yet they self-assert that they are “experts.”  I fell down the rabbit hole into Wonderland, a world where ignorance is the “expertise.”

So, the “experts” who are claiming to be an “expert” when I am identifying merely as a clinical psychologist (Bowlby, Minuchin, Beck are “experts” if anyone is), these “experts” here in forensic psychology are claiming that they know more about court-involved complex family conflict pathology than Dr. Childress… who is simply a clinical psychologist, and that they are at some higher top-tier echelon of professional psychology, the level of Bowlby, Minuchin, Beck, Kohut, Rogers, Bowen, and above that even since they are applying none of that knowledge.

Me, Dr. Childress, I am no different than any of my professional colleagues, any other clinical psychologists, except in the pathologies we work.  I am simply a clinical psychologist, it is my professional obligation of competence to know everything there is to know about any pathology I work with.  If I don’t know everything, I refer the patient to someone who does and I set about learning everything there is to know about the pathology.

I have worked with many pathologies over my career, so I know a lot of stuff.  I am competent in many areas of professional practice.

I have worked with the following pathologies, I would consider each one to be within the boundaries of my professional competence, meaning that I know everything about that pathology;

ADHD, oppositional-defiant behavior, learning disabilities, mental retardation and developmental disabilities, conduct disorder, personality disorders, schizophrenia, depression of adults and children, anxiety disorders of adults and children, autism-spectrum pathology, pediatric-medical psychology, substance abuse disorders, attachment pathology, trauma and complex trauma, family and marital therapy, and the  procedures for assessment, diagnosis, and treatment of pathology.

I have worked with each of those listed pathologies, which means that I am competent in each of those domains, which means I know everything there is to know about each one of those listed domains of knowledge.  Everything there is to know. 

Don’t believe me, ask me a question.  Knowing everything means that I am at a fundamental level of competence as a clinical psychologist in that pathology.

Do you want your heart surgeon to know everything there is to know about heart surgery?  Do you want your oncologist to know everything there is to know about cancer?  If your child has autism, do you want your clinical psychologist to know everything there is to know about autism? 

Of course.  Of course.  Of course.

Keith Nuechterlein, a leading figure in schizophrenia, a researcher generating the scientifically established knowledge for understanding and unlocking schizophrenia, and everyone at the UCLA Aftercare Clinic where I worked, knows everything there is to know about schizophrenia.  Every one of them. 

Jim Swanson and everyone at the UCI Child Development Center knows everything there is to know about ADHD. All pediatric psychologists at all Children’s Hospitals know everything there is to know about pediatric-medical psychology.  That’s called standard of practice and boundaries of competence… everything = competence.

The term for knowing everything is “competence” – the “boundary” for competence is everything there is to know.   Once you know everything there is to know, then you are competent.  Is there an acceptable level of ignorance for your heart surgeon?  No.  Is there an acceptable level of ignorance for your child’s clinical psychologist?  No.

Master’s Level Acceptable Ignorance

It could be argued that there is an acceptable level of ignorance for Master’s level mental health professionals because their work is more limited in scope and less sophisticated in application (the construction worker does not need the knowledge of the architect, the front-line soldier does not need the guiding knowledge of the officer). 

I don’t believe that.

I’ve worked with a lot of Master’s level clinicians over the years in many-many settings, and all of them have held themselves to the “knows everything there is to know” standard for professional competence in the domain of pathology they work.  

Psychiatrist Boundary of Professional Competence

For psychiatrists, they are MD doctors with nearly zero education or training in clinical psychology, psychological psychopathology, or psychotherapy.  Psychiatrists go to medical school.  They are MD doctors.  Toward the end of medical school, they specialize, some become heart surgeons, some become pediatricians, some go into psychiatry where they learn everything there is to know (competence) about the many-many types of medications for all the many different types of mental disorders in the DSM-5. That is their specialty, medications.  They are MD doctors.

Clinical psychologists know some information about medication if we are working with a medication-involved pathology, such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, but we always defer to the greater knowledge of psychiatrists regarding medication-related decisions.  They are MD doctors, their specialty is medication.

I have worked with some top-tier psychiatrists and developmental pediatricians (my favorite medical professional is a developmental pediatrician, more than psychiatry).  These top-tier psychiatrists and developmental pediatricians have always been excellent in insight and applied knowledge, and have deferred as warranted to the greater knowledge of the clinical psychologist on matters of clinical psychology.  Keith Nuechterlein is a PhD psychologist.  Jim Swanson is a PhD psychologist.  In the domain of psychology, the clinical psychologist is the top professional.  In the realm of medicine, the physician is the top professional.  In law, the attorney is, in construction it’s the architect and engineer.

In trauma, the clinical psychologist is typically in charge of the trauma recovery team. Sometimes a pediatric trauma-recovery nurse will take charge of the trauma recovery team.  In some cases of organized post-trauma community response mental health teams, an experienced Master’s level trauma therapist can take clinical care leadership of the mental health community response team.  Rarely, almost never, is it an MD psychiatrist in charge.  They are physicians, medical doctors.  They are an integral part of the team, not central and direct.  That’s the clinical psychologist in every psychological pathology.

Clinical psychologists are the… psychologists.  For issues related to psychology and psychotherapy… that’s us.  Not Master’s, not psychiatrists.

“Experts”

As a clinical psychologist, I am not an “expert” – I am just a clinical psychologist.  I know everything about the pathology with which I work… everything… that is considered the boundary that defines professional competence – the boundary for competence is knowing everything there is to know about the pathology.

Right now, for me as a clinical psychologist working with this court-involved pathology, I’m working with family systems therapy, attachment pathology, complex trauma in mid-generational transmission, personality disorder pathology, and brain regulatory networks of meaning construction, self-identity formation, affect regulation, attachment bonding, and intersubjectivity.

Which means… if I’m working with all of that, then I know everything there is to know about all those areas. I’m a clinical psychologist. Everything there is to know = competence.

That’s not unusual for clinical psychologists. That’s expected. It defines the “boundary” of competence.  What’s the “boundary” – i.e., when do we cross over and achieve professional competence in a pathology? A: When we know everything about the pathology, then we read journals to stay current.

Do you want your child’s oncologist to know everything about cancer? Do you want your heart surgeon to know everything about heart surgery? Everything? Of course.  That’s not considered being an “expert” – that’s called professional competence in heart surgery and oncology. 

If you don’t know everything about cancer, you’re not an oncologist. If you don’t know everything about heart surgery, you’re not an open-heart surgeon.

So that is the… interesting… thing over here in forensic psychology, where you can’t hardly turn around without bumping into an “expert.” Someone who asserts they know MORE than a clinical psychologist, MORE than everything there is to know about a pathology and all of professional clinical psychology, more than a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who works with the pathology. That’s quite the claim.

I don’t believe you.

Applying Knowledge

In 2013 I had the structure of the pathology understood. I made this knowledge available immediately to the public, educating the public on the established knowledge of professional psychology, and its application. That basic principle of clinical psychology, among many, has guided me throughout. The moment I have knowledge it becomes immediately available.

This is a trauma pathology in open ongoing abuse, emotional brutality, and developmental damage. It is an ongoing IPV spousal-abuse trauma pathology of brutal emotional abuse of the ex-spouse, and for the child it is a deeply damaging pathology of complex trauma and Child Psychological Abuse (DSM-5).

In 2014, I provided two online seminars for the Master’s Lecture Series of California Southern University: Parental Alienation: An Attachment-Based Model (7/18/14) and Treatment of Attachment-Based Parental Alienation (11/21/14).  The information from both remains entirely accurate today, in 2019.

Foundations coverThe following year, in 2015, I published Foundations.  The world shifted at that point, the moment knowledge becomes available and is applied the solution becomes inevitable, it is just a matter of how long it will take.

Back in my college days, I put myself through part of my Master’s program by working as a construction worker for a while, hanging drywall on a subcontracting crew. Construction always begins by laying the foundation, those are the first people on the job site… level the ground, lay the foundations.

That’s the start for building any and all structures, including the structure for a solution to court-involved family conflict. We start by laying the foundation first, before we start any of the other work.  A structure is only as strong as its Foundations.

Based on the solidly grounded foundations of established professional knowledge (Bowlby, Minuchin, Beck), I then constructed the diagnostic assessment instruments for the pathology.

Remember, the PsyD after my name means I know everything there is to know about assessment, everything about diagnosis, everything about attachment, everything about personality disorders, everything about family systems therapy, everything about oppositional-defiant behavior, everything about trauma and complex trauma, everything about all forms of psychotherapy, and everything about the neuro-development of the brain in childhood. That’s called being a clinical psychologist, that’s call boundaries of competence… knowing everything.

Based on these foundations of professional psychology, I constructed the assessment instruments, the Diagnostic Checklist for Pathogenic Parenting and the Parenting Practices Outcome Scale, along with the symptom documentation instrument (monitoring three brain-relationship systems; attachment, emotional regulation, and arousal-mood), the Parent-Child Relationship Rating Scale (PC-RRS). 

That’s what clinical psychologists are trained by education and clinical experience to do… construct assessment instruments and assessment protocols.  We know everything there is to know about constructing assessment instruments and assessment protocols.

I also provided a beautiful Strategic family systems therapy intervention, the Contingent Contingent Visitation booklet pictureVisitation Schedule, although the world will not be prepared to comprehend and apply it for awhile. There’s a lot of catch-up that needs to occur first. I anticipate the Contingent Visitation Schedule may become an important treatment-related factor in about five or ten years, when other things have evolved and are in place, along ABAB booklet coverwith the Single-Case ABAB Assessment and Remedy protocol.

I published booklets of educational material (trying to keep them to about 50 pages), providing the knowledge of professional psychology Narcissistic Parent booket coverwhich parents could pass along to their involved professionals, The Narcissistic Parent for legal Professional Consultation coverprofessionals, and Professional Consultation for mental health professionals.

Do you see the multiple lines of solution forming? Establish the foundations of professional knowledge. On these foundations of established professional knowledge, begin to construct the assessment and diagnostic protocol.

This led to the publication of the assessment protocol in 2016, the Assessment of assessment booklet pictureAttachment-Related Pathology Surrounding Divorce. I am a clinical psychologist. Constructing assessment protocols for pathology is what we do. I know everything there is to know about the construction of an assessment protocol. That’s what it means to be a clinical psychologist.

If I was an architect, I’d know about designing buildings, if I was a lawyer, I’d know about the law.  I’m neither of those things, I’m a clinical psychologist, we know everything there is to know about developing assessment instruments and assessment protocols for psychopathology.

I have done this before for a court-involved pathology (juvenile firesetting) for FEMA and the DOJ. There is work product from that assessment protocol posted to my website for review (Screening Instrument, semi-structured Clinical Interview, and Data Summary form).

Construction of assessment protocols for pathology is what clinical psychologists are specifically trained to do.

The High Road Workshop

In 2013/2014, Ms. Pruter recognized my application of knowledge from professional psychology, even through she is not a psychologist, and she understood the approach toward solution.  She and I had brief encounters across several “parental alienation” events, culminating in an office meeting and my review of her High Road workshop protocol.

I know everything about attachment, trauma, complex trauma, family systems therapy, all forms of psychotherapy, and everything about the neuro-development of the brain in child development. I had never seen the type of intervention change agents used in the High Road workshop. It is gentle and entirely effective.

It’s not what we do in any of our forms of psychotherapy. 

Ms. Pruter also described how the High Road workshop protocol is an off-shoot of another curriculum model she’s developed called Higher Purpose Mastery, applicable to a range of trauma-related pathologies.

It works phenomenally well, remarkably well. I understand how it works, I have personally observed all four days of the workshop.  I have received a client from the High Road workshop into my clinical practice, the client entered my therapy entirely normal-range and with an entirely normal-range and bonded relationship to the formerly targeted-rejected parent.  Two days of the High Road workshop achieved a full and complete recovery from years of documented complex trauma and child abuse.

The moment I became aware of the High Road protocol in 2014, my first referral and top recommendation is to Ms. Pruter and the High Road workshop. I included reference to and a description of the High Road workshop in my book, Foundations, and provided declarations to the court in support of the workshop protocol.

In 2017, I accompanied Ms. Pruter to the AFCC national convention in Boston where we presented on a return to established knowledge (AB-PA) and the High Road workshop, and we explained how the High Road protocol achieves its remarkable success. The Powerpoint slides from our 2017 AFCC presentation are available on my website.

Childress & Pruter: 2017 AFCC Presentation 

In 2018, I developed an AB-PA pilot program for the family courts in support for an independent group in Houston. I also traveled to Washington, DC with parent advocates, Wendy Perry and Rod McCall, to hand-deliver the Petition to the APA to the APA. This petition signed by over 20.000 parents and still available on Change.org, identifies the specific ethical code violations within forensic psychology, and seeks three specific remedies.

In 2019, I began active collaboration with Ms. Pruter as a consulting clinical psychologist writing reports for the Custody Resolution Method (CRM), a data tagging and data compilation method applied to documented data surrounding family conflict (archival data; emails, texts, reports, court records, etc.).

In association with my work for CRM, in 2019 I also created a Psychology Tagging protocol, the Checklist of Applied Knowledge, for tagging and providing professional critique and analysis of mental health reports.

In August of 2019, Dr. Childress and Dorcy Pruter presented a paper to the American Psychological Association,

APA: Empathy, the Family, and the Core of Social Justice
(Childress & Pruter, 2019)

Powerpoint of APA Paper Presentation

This paper expands and anchors the discussion into core human rights issues and the trans-generational transmission of trauma, and documents the recovery from complex trauma achieved by the High Road workshop, an evidenced-based approach for recovering children from complex trauma and child abuse. The data is lock.

The only methodological issue with a single-case research design is replication. Ms. Pruter welcomes outreach, discussion, and proposals from university based researchers for professional collaboration surrounding the High Road workshop and surrounding extensions of the workshop and skill-based approach to recovery from other trauma-related pathologies.  Ms. Pruter is a businesswoman and a child of complex trauma, and recovery.  You are the researchers.  Develop collaboration.

Ms. Pruter also routinely collects the Parent-Child Relationship Rating Scale (PC-RRS) for all High Road workshops. Additional collection of PC-RRS data from the follow-up maintenance care therapist will turn each High Road workshop into another replication of a single case ABA design, and success for each family enrolled in the workshop is documented for each child and parent-child relationship.  The professional term for that is “evidence-based practice” – success in each case is documented by evidence, by data.

In the High Road single-case ABA data presented to the APA Division 24, the child’s ending scores on the PC-RRS are highly positive ratings of 5-6 at the two-day point of the High Road workshop.  This is evidence that the child is immensely relaxed and happy, high affection, high cooperation, high sociability.  He was very happy.  Recovery from complex trauma and child abuse feels good.

Upcoming 2019

The next phase begins in the fall, when Dr. Childress and Dorcy Pruter offer a comprehensive training seminar series for mental health professionals in AB-PA and solutions for complex family conflict surrounding divorce.

I am a clinical psychologist competent across multiple domains of pathology. Ms. Pruter is a top-tier trauma recovery specialist, she is my first referral and my first recommendation as a clinical psychologist.

If the High Road workshop is not available in a specific case, then the next option becomes traditional solution-focused family systems therapy to restore the parent-child attachment bond and stabilize family functioning into a healthy post-divorce separated family structure.

Dorcy Pruter and Dr. Childress will also be providing a separate seminar for legal professionals in the fall, describing an alternative treatment-oriented argument package for the court, centering around a trauma-informed clinical psychology assessment of the family conflict with the referral question of:

Referral Question: Which parent is the source of pathogenic parenting creating the child’s attachment pathology, and what are the treatment implications?

If a trauma-informed assessment of pathogenic parenting returns a DSM-5 diagnosis of V995.5 Child Psychological Abuse, then the targeted parent and legal counsel return to the court seeking a protective separation order based on a DSM-5 diagnosis of Child Psychological Abuse made by a licensed mental health professional.

If there is disagreement surrounding the diagnosis, then get a second opinion. That’s how diagnostic issues are addressed in clinical psychology and in medical care. A physician’s diagnosis of cancer is not litigated by trial. If the diagnosis is in question, get a second opinion.

In the fall of 2019, top-level professional seminars with Dr. Childress and Dorcy Pruter for both mental health professionals and legal professionals will be held.

Writing – Writing – Writing

In September, I will be traveling to Barcelona and the Spanish Pyrenees on a personal scouting trip for my next phase, settling into semi-retirement writing books and journal articles. First up is the book Diagnosis

The paper for the APA represents the opening journal article writing phase for me, it is time for me to start writing professional journal articles and the additional books in the series – Foundations – Diagnosis – Treatment, and then more beyond that.

One of the benefits of being an old clinical psychologist is that we know a lot of stuff about psychology. The more pathology we have worked with, the more we know. I’ve worked with a lot of pathology, I know a lot.

The downside of being an old clinical psychologist… is that we’re old. My career is winding down, I’ll be headed off to book writing and working to solve the terrorist mind of pathological anger and pathological hatred.

All the tools needed for solving complex family conflict surrounding divorce are available. I am your advocate within professional psychology, I am your weapon.  You are the warriors, you are the healthier parent, you are the parent chosen by the child to lead the family out of conflict and into healthy family stability. 

This has always been solvable immediately… from the start, with the application of the established knowledge of professional psychology; Bowlby, Minuchin, Beck, van der Kolk, Tronick (attachment, family systems therapy, personality disorders, complex trauma, neuro-development of the brain during childhood).

Family systems therapy provides a full solution, the addition of attachment knowledge and complex trauma provides even further clarity in diagnosis and treatment, the addition of personality disorder pathology domains of knowledge provide crystal clarity on the diagnosis and treatment, and the addition of neuro-developmental knowledge provides a full and complete diagnostic explanation and clear treatment directions.

This next phase will likely extend for several years, and it will end with Dr. Childress or clinical psychology providing training seminars for Child Protective Services.  That will mark the final step in achieving a solution to complex court-involved family conflict surrounding divorce.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857

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How To Deal With Narcissistic Neighbours

How To Deal With Narcissistic Neighbours

 

It is frighteningly COMMON how often people suffer narcissistic neighbours!

I know this because many of you write in about it, and it has also happened to me!

What happens when you are living next to a deranged person who is NEVER happy, constantly complaining and even doing TERRIBLE things to you and your property?

How DO you stop these people ripping the sanctity of your home, hearth and health apart?

Does a narcissistic neighbour mean that you have to move home?

Or … can you defeat them and return your life back to HEALTH and PEACE?

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I share with you my journey regarding a narcissistic neighbour, and the sure-fire way I learned to deal with it, to help you get free of the horror and bullying of this kind of narcissist.

 

 

Video Transcript

One of the horrors that many people in this Community have experienced is Narcissistic Neighbours.

Maybe you are battling with one right now.

You are not alone … I have been through this too!

It’s awful because our homes are supposed to be our sanctity; our soft place to relax, unwind and recuperate. It’s delightful when we have lovely neighbours – people who we can connect to for support, community, friendship and even a helping hand when in need.

But what happens when you have the nightmare neighbour, whereby you can be perpetually on edge or even terrorised in your own home, literally?

How do you survive these people?

Can you turn it all around?

Or do you have to move to a new home?

Let’s get into it and find out in today’s TTV episode.

But before we do…

Thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s dive in.

 

Always Complaining

A common trait of narcissistic neighbours is their victim mentality, when they think that other people are always encroaching on them or doing the wrong thing by them.

They may state that your bins should not be placed where they are for garbage removal, because it affects them driving in or out or getting access to the mailbox.

They may complain that your pet walked across their lawn, without their permission.

If your child’s ball goes over the fence and lands in their garden, they may rant and rave about it – and even refuse to return it.

If you, or someone visiting you, parks across their driveway, even if they only overhang an inch or are there for a moment, this neighbour may knock on your door and blast you for it.

Your narcissistic neighbour may even go to authorities, such as the council or a body corporate, and make petty or fabricated complaints about you.

I used to live next door to a horrible narcissistic woman who would complain incessantly about everything on the unit block. Being her immediate wall-to-wall neighbour, I copped it the most.

The depth and breadth of her complaints seemed endless.

At the time, it seemed like this woman was showing up at my doorstep every day, complaining about something I had or hadn’t done. Even poor Tiggy, my cat, was targeted by her. She told me that he hunted birds, but he is seriously too well fed and lazy to be bothered.

I spent a great deal of my time on edge. Every time I saw her walk up the driveway I would feel the distress. This was especially true when I had someone over, in case they made a noise that she could hear.

But not only did I have to deal with these day-to-day complaints. She once tried to report me to authorities for several things, and often she would make unrealistic demands to try to get things done to her property for free. Quite frankly, she made my life a living hell.

It’s so interesting that people like this – especially narcissists – live by the rules ‘Do as I say and not as I do’.

Commonly, if not always, this type of person will be a serial offender themselves, doing similar or even worse things than what they are accusing you of doing.

This was certainly the case with my horrible neighbour, who constantly complained about any little thing out of place on my property whilst hers looked like a tip.

 

Sense of Entitlement

Narcissistic neighbours, like all narcissists, have all the justifications for what they accuse you of doing.

Maybe your nightmare neighbour regularly blocks your driveway, starts power tools up late at night, or dumps rubbish on your property. Or perhaps he or she plays loud music into the early hours of the morning or has raucous fights with their partner or family, which disrupt your peace.

Maybe this neighbour’s yard or front porch is full of rubbish and mess, and they don’t care about how it affects other neighbours.

Perhaps they have started erecting, building or modifying things on your joint boundary without your permission.

Possibly your narcissistic neighbour has a pet, who is creating damage or serious noise pollution and he or she refuses to do anything about it.

This neighbour may ask to borrow things from you and then return them damaged, saying that they were already like that (and that’s if they return the items at all).

The truth is narcissists don’t have a peripheral sense of others. They don’t care about other people and their comfort needs – it’s all about them and their own agenda.

 

The Malignant Narcissistic Neighbour

I know that some of you have had to deal with narcissistic neighbours with zero conscious and truly criminal intent, and my heart goes out to you.

Maybe your experience with a narcissistic neighbour has been so terrible that you have been physically threated, or suspect or know they have broken into your home. Maybe this sociopathic person has performed malicious acts designed to intimidate and harass you, or have even hurt your loved ones or pets.

Naturally, this could be terrifying and cause you a great deal of trauma and distress.

 

How Do You Know If Your Neighbour Is Narcissistic Or Not?

As Thrivers learning to be healthy, healed, authentic people in every area of our life – we need to raise up and get past the fear of confrontation.

Let me explain to you with this example.

Many years ago I had a neighbour who was constantly blocking my driveway. It disturbed me greatly, and I felt violated. If I was on the phone to a girlfriend, I would look out the window and tell her how terrible it was that this was happening to me.

But … was I being responsible for my own boundaries and wellbeing? NO, I wasn’t!

Back then I was terrified of confronting people and having the difficult conversations, because I was dealing with my own inner terrors of CRAP – the feelings that if I spoke up about my needs I would be criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished.

After doing the deep inner work to heal these fears, I knew it was my responsibility to knock on the neighbour’s door and have a conversation with that houseowner and ask for what I needed.

Nowadays, if I have friends in my life complaining about people in their life I ask them, ‘Have you gone to this person and told them honestly what is going on for you?’ Invariably they haven’t, and I know exactly why. They are terrified of asserting their truth and maybe pissing others off. Instead, they make excuses for not speaking up – just as I used to do.

But here is the thing… With anyone in our life – narcissist or non-narcissist – it is up to us to confront them and to be honest and solid about what we need, in clear and powerful ways.

This person may or may not respond healthily, however, by confronting them we grant them the opportunity to respond and for the situation to be rectified.

If the person is non-narcissistic, he or she will generally acknowledge you and work with you to rectify a situation. And in most cases the result will be wonderful.

People aren’t mind readers, and we need to get past the righteous belief that ‘people should just know what the right thing is to do’.

The truth is that it’s our job to teach other people how to treat us. People who don’t treat us respectfully are A.I.D.s (Angels In Disguise posing as thoughtless people). These A.I.D.s are awakening us to anchor into our own inner power of authenticity, self-respect, and truthfulness, in accordance with the care, value, and respect we should have for ourselves.

All of us as Thriving Adults have to be able to heal and mature ourselves up enough to speak up honestly and truthfully, and we must be prepared to have the difficult conversations.

 

What to Expect If Your Neighbour Is a Narcissist

After working on your inner terrors of NOT being able to put your best foot forward while speaking up for what you need (my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is the Quantum Tool to help you breakthrough in this area) you will know whether this person is capable of working with you in harmonious ways or not.

Traditionally a narcissist will refuse to be remorseful or take responsibility. He or she may reject any notion that they did anything wrong, or that there is any need for them to correct or cease what they are doing. He or she will commonly throw back at you tit-for-tat comments about what you have been doing to them.

 

How to Keep Stepping Up to Combat a Narcissistic Neighbour

This is where the inner work is so important.

People ask me all the time, ‘How does doing “that” (whatever “that” is) work with this narcissist in my life?’

I want you to understand that the foundation to HOW we deal with ANY narcissist in our life is identical.

These are the steps:

  1. Know it is our own job to honour and walk our truth and boundaries, regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing, and
  2. Go inside, self-partner and use NARP to address, release and reprogram the fears and traumas that the narcissist is triggering off within you – and then emerge fearless and emotionally solid to take action in your next steps.

By creating this inner foundation first and foremost, you are no longer able to being derailed and emotionally hijacked. You can be clear, systematic and methodical in how you challenge the situation.

When my narcissistic neighbour upped her anti and started pulling in authorities and neighbours to bully me, I knew I had to do something.

I knew I needed to Go Quantum.

So I did…

I stopped playing victim and complaining to everyone about her, recognising that this was an incredible opportunity for me to evolve into my own power and truth, and to generate my healthy life regardless of her attempts.

Below is what I did. It has helped clients and NARPers to combat their troublesome narcissistic neighbours as well, and I know it will help you too.

However, please note, without the inner work and keeping on top of purging and detoxifying all inner trauma triggered, this method may not, and usually won’t, work.

We have to get very CLEAR. It doesn’t matter what you are DOING to combat a narcissistic abuser in your life, if you are not taking care of your BEINGNESS, as your first point of action, then your results (so within, so without) will reflect MORE of your traumatised beingness and won’t reflect any of the doingness – regardless of how much effort you are putting into it.

Okay, having worked on yourself to lose the fear of your narcissistic neighbour, here is the powerful formula I followed.

First, I created an email regarding all her complaints against me. I then unemotionally listed her grievances and the dates and the times they were made, and copied in on the email the other owners and the body corporate.

I then wrote down what I was prepared to do to resolve the complaints and what I wasn’t prepared to do to comply. I made sure the tone I used was calm and logical.

For every unresolved point, I asked for her to respond to the group email with her suggestion for resolution.

I then hit send!

I enjoyed creating and adding to the list, sending a new email with each and every new grievance and threat she inflicted on me, each time stating what I wished for as resolution and inviting her feedback as a solution.

She was now exposed. Other eyes were watching. She had no suggestions for resolution, and suddenly she stopped complaining to me about things.

As well as this, the other owners, to whom she had been smearing me, came to me shocked by her behaviour and what she had been demanding and threatening. They apologised for believing all the horrible things she had said about me.

I then wrote another group email, regarding my grievances with her and asked for what I wished for as resolution and invited her input for a solution.

Again, nothing was forthcoming from her.

I was doing so many shifts on myself with the NARP processes about her – any time I felt any triggered emotion within – that it was no longer uncomfortable bumping into her on the apartment property. I was just simply going about my life, holding my head high, without feeling any dread about her whatsoever.

I was, by this stage, revelling in the opportunity for my up levelling inner solidness, boundaries and the knowing of how to live powerfully narc-proof. It was an exciting time for me!

She, on the other hand, switched from stalking and terrorising my every move to leaving me alone.

At the next Body Corporate meeting, I was armed with all the facts – my email correspondence and invitations to seek resolution, and her non-compliance with any of it.

She unravelled in front of everyone, as I unemotionally and factually read out the details. She got nasty and blamed her behaviour on her health problems. She had nowhere to hide.

Not long after that she put her house on the market, sold up and moved out.

Just another narcissist not getting narcissistic supply and not being able to operate as a narcissist. As with all narcissists, she had to get out. There is no other option.

My new neighbour is BEAUTIFUL! I couldn’t ask for a more delightful lady to live next door!

See what happens when we change ourselves from the inside out and then show up in life as our New Self?

We generate a soul-graduation and then everything shifts to match that.

 

The Necessary Inner Shift Into Freedom and Power

This is the thing – narcissistic neighbours, like all narcissists, trigger off within us our unhealed terrors. And when this happens, they grant us the incredible opportunity to heal these terrors and evolve ourselves. The healing we generate means not just emerging safely from what we are going through, but also living free of these terrors forevermore.

I am so grateful for my narcissistic neighbour and her shenanigans. It was because of my time with her that I was able to release, heal and resolve my inner fears of authorities – being thrown out by my community and people, feeling guilty, bad or wrong for things I was or wasn’t doing, and also my terrors of trying to have my rights to my own privacy and life – whilst people were violating my boundaries.

I really want you to understand that every narcissist in your life is granting you a soul journey of incredible power, divinity and evolution – when you are prepared to turn inwards and do the work. This soul journey then allows you to enter the arena with a narcissist in a way that you have never before.

A way that works.

I know you may feel like the narcissist in your life is TOO bad for you to do this with. Yet I promise you that the person behind the mask will be powerless once you heal within you the traumas that they have been using as the bullets against you to keep firing at you.

This goes for ANY narcissist.

I so hope this video has helped.

Now, if you know it’s time to graduate, stand up and get powerful – I’m here to help you. Let’s make this happen together. All you need to do to get started is to click this link to my free 16 Day Recovery Course.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

Does this information about narcissistic neighbours resonate with you? Are you excited about up levelling and taking this newfound power on to combat any narcissist who is bullying you?

I’d love to hear about this in comments and questions below.

 

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How To Talk To A Narcissist Without Going Insane

How To Talk To A Narcissist Without Going Insane

 

How do you talk to a narcissist without going insane? The easy answer would be NOT to talk to them.

But sometimes we can’t go No or Modified Contact. Maybe you work with this narcissist. Or perhaps they are a family member, who you need to see at functions. Or possibly you are still hooked in, trying to work through things and you are not quite ready to call it a day.

I understand … this happens.

So, with all of that in mind, I want to help you get very clear in this article – WHY talking to a narcissist can make you feel like you are going insane, and how to navigate things so that you don’t. 

Why Narcissists Get Under Your Skin So Much

This is why talking to a narcissist without going insane is so difficult – they simply don’t have the same agenda with conversations that normal people do. In fact, normal, non-narcissistic people simply don’t have agendas with conversations. They just have conversations.

The narcissist’s agenda is disordered. It is to get control over you; to avoid accountability; to manipulate, mine, dump pain and anger, affect, trigger and get an ego feed by significantly affecting another emotionally (obtaining narcissistic supply).

Therefore, a conversation with a narcissist is not just a conversation.

It is an exchange with an unwholesome, false self-agenda attached to it. When the narcissist is in the love-bombing stage, unfortunately our false self, our ego, is attached and running with it.

Meaning our unhealed, unresolved parts, which don’t subconsciously believe that we are worthy or lovable, or worth validating or being cared for, gobble up the manipulative compliments and promises like any starving man or women would.

Yet, something inside knows this is unwholesome. Something feels a little off, but of course we ignore it. We want to believe that this person is our Source of love, security or survival, and absolutely, in our defence, we may have no idea that people like this exist and therefore what we were really walking in to.

Over time, not only do we see this ‘oh so delightful’ person lose so much of their ‘previous genuineness’. We also come face to face with the verbal onslaughts, twists and turns and, quite frankly, overt lunacy that goes with a narcissist’s conversations.

I call it the narcissistic three-ring circus, and at least one of those rings is a total freak show.

Let’s have a look at the conversation methods that I wrote about in my article ‘Are you with a narcissist’.

  • Avoidance: Refusing to recognise or acknowledge the incident as real or important to you.
  • Excuses: Making up stories or reasons for the behaviour that are not genuine or valid excuses.
  • Accusations: Blaming someone else for the wrongdoing.
  • False Apology: Saying a ‘sorry’ that is not a genuine apology and expecting you to accept it.
  • Ignorance: Claiming you never said that; that was never discussed; or the narcissist never said that.
  • Confusion: Creating antics over trivial points in the conversation to shift and confuse the focus.
  • Projection: Stating ‘what you did wrong’ regarding the particular topic, by using ammunition from the past that has nothing to do with the present incident.
  • Using Allies: Quoting people, real or imagined, to back their ‘story’ of excuses or to discredit you.
  • Shutting down: Unwillingness to have a conversation or abandoning the scene to avoid scrutiny.
  • Shifting Focus: Responding with displeasure to your body language or the tone of your voice to steer the conversation away from the wrongdoing.
  • Persecution: Stating how bad your accusations are, and what a terrible person you are to accuse them.
  • Denial: Stating that it was incidents in your past, and it is your fears and insecurities which cause you to make these accusations.
  • Discrediting: Stating that you are such a negative person and always look for the ‘conspiracy theory’ in your conversations.
  • Threatening: Citing abandonment or punishment if you continue with the accusation.
  • Entitlement: Demanding that you recognise the positive things they have done for you and that it’s unfair for you to focus on the negatives.
  • Lying: Stating they did grant explanation and reassurance, or did the credible thing when these actions were not forthcoming.
  • Condemnation: Continuing the story of ‘I did do the right thing’ and then being incensed at you for calling them a liar.
  • Justification: Stating ‘I did it’ because of your behaviour and because you make me do these things.
  • Triggering: Using a maiming comment, related or unrelated, to incite you to anger and shift blame.
  • Competition: Stating all the things that they are not happy about with you, as a ‘tit-for-tat’ retaliation, rather than addressing the issue at hand.

These are all elaborate defence mechanisms that are so COMMON amongst narcissists. As you read through this list, you may recognise many or all of these tactics. They are out-of-bounds behaviours that mean you are dealing with someone who is personality disordered and drastically unhealthy to be having conversations with.

The truth of the matter is this – if you are trying to have a sane, reasonable conversation with a sick person, you are going to get sick.

It DOES drive you mad.

 

Changing Expectations and Rules of Engagement

Here’s the thing, once you know you are dealing with a narcissist you have to completely drop any expectations you would have in normal human interactions.

This person is not going to get it.

You are not going to get understanding, harmony or resolution.

This person does not want to play ‘healthy team’ with you.

This person does not have win-win in mind. Rather, they are out to get what they want at your expense.

If you cater to this person and give them what they want, this is not going to earn you clemency, decency or favours. In fact, it will only make matters worse, because if you give an inch they will take a mile.

Nothing you say, argue or fight for will make one scrap of difference – so it really is key for you to stop doing this.

 

The Switch – Make It About Your Truth, Not Changing Them

There is a very simple rule in dealing with anyone who is abusive or insane – stop worrying about what they are saying and doing, and get very clear about who YOU are Being and what you are Doing.

This CHANGES EVERYTHING!

Let me explain…

I’ll give you this example regarding what one of my clients was dealing with. Frances was quite frankly a psychotic narcissist, who was constantly trying to stalk and agitate Graham at every opportunity.

She contacted his family and friends, smeared him, and did everything in her power to affect him.

He used to buy into it. He used to meet her and try to reason with her, which was really just about her guilting, blaming, dumping anger, and horrifically abusing him – to the point where he admitted that one night he was so distraught he nearly drove off the road and into a tree.

By doing the inner work with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), Graham released the traumas that were keeping him hooked into her, traumas that were mostly about HAVING to be the good and right guy for her.

Then he was able to see her disorder; to know that nothing he did could ever appease her, fix her or save her. He went No Contact and ended up putting an intervention order on her. He took her belongings to her mother’s house and severed all ties.

Graham’s truth had become: ‘I deserve and will only engage in healthy, adult relationships of respect.’

Another one of my clients, Barbara, whilst co-parenting with Tony, had long ago realised he was a narcissist. So rather than be dragged down with his horrible treatment of her and the children, she did the inner work on all of her triggers, which used to get shaken up by him.

As a result, Barbara managed to get Our Family Wizard, as the only way that they would communicate, approved through court, and was effectively parallel parenting with Tony. How she achieved this, was that when he tried his knee jerk reactions, with ridiculous narcissistic attempts to disrupt the parenting plan, Barbara’s responses were firmly in her power. They were all about her and not about him.

She would say, ‘I am not prepared to do that. This is what I am prepared to do.’ And then would say no more, regardless of how he reacted. Without any feed or attention from her, he stopped the ridiculous antics.

When we become FULLY our truth, without being derailed by narcissists, we are usually shocked at how easy it is to get their CRAP to stop. But it wasn’t EASY for us to get there!

For all of us, we have had so much fear regarding ‘being ourselves.’

I know for myself, my previous terror used to be: ‘What will these people do to me and my life if I don’t appease them?’

In this global, on-line business, there have been times when narcissistic people threaten and attack. Not often, but occasionally it does happen. Interestingly enough, this doesn’t come from narcissists but from victims of narcissistic abuse, who want me or my team to fix everything for them and then attack us abusively when we can’t!

When this happens, as much as I feel for them, and I’m very disappointed we couldn’t co-create their healing with them, I am clear – I’ll be me, have boundaries and will not tolerate abuse.

If there is any fear about their reactions with my boundaries, I meet that fear in my body, shift it out with Quanta Freedom Healing, and completely honour my truth and rights for an abuse-free life.

I also protect the space of this community with this solid self-truth and determination.

No more is it about – trying to fix, smooth over, appease, cajole or play it safe with these people. And it is certainly not about trying to get them to get it and change.

Those days are gone.

I hope you understand; it needs to be the same for you. Narcissists push us into our truth and power and boundary function, so that we can end these ridiculously insane, brain and soul-twisting conversations, where narcissists can truly make mincemeat out of our minds and insides.

It’s then that we can lose our fear and walk straight, solid and sane lines, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.

Then you will realise how powerfully you can create your life, once you are anchored into the internal integrity that all of Life, Source and Creation GETS and backs – when you GET it and back it.

I promise you that narcissists are powerless in the face of that.

If this article resonates with you powerfully, I’d love you to come with me and get out of fear and into your truth – where you are no longer affected, triggered and participating.

You can do that by joining me here and getting started on my 16-day free course, which will help you get empowered and free from all the internal reasons why you have felt trapped in the insanity.

And I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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high conflict divorce and post traumatic stress

High Conflict Divorce and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

high conflict divorce and post traumatic stress

 

“Once you go through a high conflict divorce you are never the same,” said Dana in an interview I had with her a few months ago.

Dana divorced her husband in 1999. Her ex, Jim had been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he has made Dana and their children’s lives miserable for 20 years. Due to the long, drawn-out legal battle and Jim’s emotional abuse before and since the divorce Dana was recently diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She is being treated as an inpatient and discussed what life has been like for her over the last few years.

High Conflict Divorce and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

“I feel as if I’ve been in the middle of a war zone for an extended period of time. I’ve lived with daily fear for years; there has been no relief because some sort of conflict with my ex was always lurking around the corner.” Dana says. I didn’t have time to process one event before I was dealing with another one.

When divorced from someone like my ex you don’t have time to stop, process your feelings, grieve and move on. You have to have your guard up at all times, be focused and ready for what is coming next and you learn quickly that there will be something coming.”

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a normal emotional and psychological reaction to trauma (a painful or shocking experience) that exists outside of someone’s normal life experiences.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health people who experience a traumatic event will react with shock, anger, nervousness, fear, or even guilt. For most people, these common reactions go away over time, but for someone experiencing PTSD, these feelings continue to escalate until the person has difficulty living a normal life. Someone with PTSD usually has symptoms for longer than a month and cannot function as well as they did before the traumatic event.

In Dana’s case, prolonged exposure to trauma didn’t give her the opportunity to heal from the divorce because the divorce was ongoing.

“It’s like I’m constantly in survival mode,” Dana, a resident of Nashville, Tennessee says. “I perceive a lot of things as a threat. My reaction is an immediate defense for survival. I’m hypervigilant and find it hard to enjoy life.

My reaction to an unexpected tap on the shoulder from behind is quite different from someone without PTSD. I jump, scream or run as if I’m under attack. It is hard to explain but everything feels like an attack on my safety or security. A car turned in front of me one day, there was plenty of room, no danger of the car hitting me but I froze. I was unable to drive ahead, could only sit and cry. I’ve lost myself and my ability to calm myself after even the smallest adrenalin rush.”

Symptoms of PTSD are often grouped into three main categories that include:

  • Reliving the Traumatic Experience – Survivors of trauma may experience nightmares or flashbacks of the traumatic event. This might be triggered by something that reminds the survivor of the event like the anniversary of the event or a similar location or even a language.
  • Avoidance – People may remove themselves from people or situations that are similar in some way to the traumatic event. Survivors may become detached from their loved ones and lose interest in their previous passions.
  • Increased Arousal – Those with PTSD may become more sensitive to their emotions or bodily sensations. They may have high anxiety levels, insomnia, trouble focusing, be hyper-vigilant (always on guard), among other symptoms.

“I’m constantly under some kind of pressure,” Dana says. “I’m not the same happy, loving person I once was. It feels like there’s a barrier wall in front of me and I can’t scale it.”

Recovering from PTSD is a process and differs for each survivor. The goal for PTSD treatment is to reduce the physical and emotional symptoms as well as improve the survivor’s ability to interact fully with their everyday life.

“First and foremost is some kind of personal conversation, talking or psychotherapeutic relationship,” Dr. Arthur S. Blank Jr., a Vietnam veteran and a renowned expert on PTSD says in a video for The Washington Post. “People need to be able to talk about whatever they have to talk about to someone who is an experienced listener.”

To supplement psychotherapy treatment for patients diagnosed with PTSD, sometimes doctors will prescribe medications like antidepressants as well as many other kinds of prescriptions that can help people along the road to recovery.

“I’ve been told by doctors that time will tell,” Dana says. “Medication does only so much. Each individual has a different reaction to what traumas they suffer.”

When asked if she had any advice for women going through a high conflict divorce, Dana offered this…

“Know when to give up the fight. I expected the legal system to protect me, to make sure my ex was punished when he defied court orders. I was proven wrong over and over again. My ex-husband left and took 87% of his income. Leaving me to raise three children on my own.

I worried about feeding them, clothing them and housing them. I worried about their emotional welfare and I worked long hours. On top of that, I was a victim to his ongoing legal abuse for years after the divorce was final.

At times I worked two jobs to make ends meet. My children and I were trying to live our lives, struggling to get by and at the same time my ex was reaching in from a distance to make it just that much harder. You can’t look to the legal system to protect you and the only way to win over someone who wants you to suffer is to give up the fight. Let it go, your health is more important.”

The post High Conflict Divorce and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How To Connect To Your Higher Power

How To Connect To Your Higher Power

 

I’ve no doubt that today is going to be a very spirited conversation. (Pardon the pun!)

Because I want to talk to you about your Higher Power – and what I believe from the Quantum perspective that it is.

Today’s Thriver TV is about how our connection with our Higher Power links into the relationships we have with ourselves, life and others – and how we can holistically integrate effectively and become at one with ALL of these parts.

Many of you in this Community have asked me over the years, ‘How CAN I connect to my Higher Power?’, so it is with absolute joy that today I talk to you about a topic very dear to my heart.

 

Video Transcript

Many people want to know how to connect to their Higher Power.

Or maybe you haven’t thought about connecting to your Higher Power and so wonder what that may be like. Maybe you don’t even know that you would like to connect to a Higher Power, and therefore haven’t thought about whether this is necessary or not.

Maybe you have had religious experiences that have turned you off the ‘God thing’, and therefore you’re not sure whether you even want to believe in a Higher Power, let alone connect to one.

Whatever your thoughts, feelings and circumstance, I am really thrilled to be having this conversation about a Higher Power with you today, because it is a topic really close to my heart. And I hope with all my heart, that this video will enlighten you and clear up some important questions for you, as well as give you access to the joy, truth, relief and love that your heart and soul yearns for.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do.

And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now, on to the episode!

What Is Your Higher Power?

I think the answer to this question is very personal, and I really don’t believe there is any right or wrong answer. I’ll give you my personal take on a Higher Power, and I would really love it in your comments about this video that you please respect other people’s beliefs or versions of their Higher Power.

There have been enough judgement and atrocities, including countless murders, on this planet already due to people demonising other people’s Higher Power views and beliefs. This is not what this Thriver space is here for.

If you want to do that, I ask you respectfully please do it somewhere else.

Anyway, this is what I believe – God/Source/Creation/Lifeforce is everywhere and is in everything. I believe my Higher Power is the space from where everything came and is the part of my Inner Being that governs and controls my cells and processes. Also, I believe our Higher Power is the miracle of life and all that ‘is’. I believe God is Quantum and the Creator of Quantum Law.

I believe this God-force does not look at us as lesser, unworthy beings, but is showing us, through life experience, that we are magnificent God-like Quantum Beings.

I believe this God-force is loving and benevolent and non-judgemental and does not impose conditions of love and acceptance. I believe that these are man-made constructs.

I believe All That IS …. already IS …. and has NO Requirement. What could God want when God is already everything?

I believe that we are SO unconditionally loved by God, and that the God Quantum Energy state says, ‘Whatever you are Being – I will give you more of THAT, without any judgment.’

I believe God does not choose our destinies, but allows us to choose and create them ourselves, and that God is always calling us forward with all that we need to choose differently, if what we are choosing is not our True Self and True Life.

I feel so blessed in my life today, to experience incredible love and partnership with my Higher Power. I feel adored without conditions, and I feel that Source has my back and is always striving to bring me exactly what I need in order to release myself to the next highest level of love, joy, success and glory.

This is the partnership I have with my Higher Power now – but it certainly was not always like this.

So, let me explain what it was like – and the shift I had to make to live with this Higher Power relationship.

 

My Previous Fractures With God

I used to have many personal and painful beliefs regarding my Higher Power.

I believed God thought I was wrong, defective, and even ‘bad’.

It’s interesting … when I have worked with people with Quanta Freedom Healing, who have been abused by narcissists, how often these painful beliefs have been trapped in their subconscious also.

And to me, it stands to reason how in real life we get and accept the treatment that relates to the subconscious feelings we really have about ourselves.

But more than this, it really is how we feel about our Higher Power’s relationship with us.

I absolutely used to believe that this Higher Force was judging me, punishing me and had even forsaken me.

On the inside, I felt like God must have turned his/her back on me; that I was all alone, out on the edge without love, guidance or a way back home.

In fact, I felt so disconnected from God that I thought I must be a horrible mistake, some abnormality that wasn’t even meant to be here.

When I got deeply into my Thriver Recovery, I knew that an integrated being is someone who feels whole within their relationship with their Higher Power and Self and Others/Life. I knew I had to heal this, because it became apparent to me that for these relationships to be real and functional, I could not have one without the other.

If deep down we believe God doesn’t love us or is punishing us, then how can we love and accept ourselves?

We can’t. And this is why we look to False Sources for our salvation – for our sense of inner wholeness, love, approval, security and survival – rather than have a relationship directly with our True Source.

And this is why we go through horrific experiences with narcissists.

In my awakening on my bathroom floor, when I saw the truth about my disconnection with myself and God and Life in general, I knew I had to heal all of it. I knew I had to find and connect to the truth with my Higher Power. I had seen the truth of Source in my breakdown epiphany; I had felt the unconditional love and the devotion of how everything had happened FOR me and not TO me.
But how was I going to come home to live that truth every day?

 

The Truth of Our Relationship With God

What I really know as my personal truth now is that we are never not partnered with Our Higher Power, because God is so big we can’t miss him/her.

I also know God and we are One, eternally – and yet we can absolutely have the experience of NOT being with God.

As the God like Creators we are, in the hologram of our personal experience, we are unfolding to the letter our believed experience, according to the emotional experiences and belief systems we have taken on from others.

If we were not taught about our Oneness with God, and instead believed in separation, judgement and conditions, then our soul, which is NOT these things now, will have turned away from this lack of love.

In previous times, having a relationship with God through some of God’s finest presence, such as in plants, nature, healing arts and the ecology of medicine and intelligence of our planet, literally meant death to millions of women who were demonised as witches.

This trauma is still in all our female psyches.

It was not God at work; it was humans using God as their vehicle to do such things.

Likewise, it is frightening the number of adults I have done deep healing with, who were sexually abused through church groups or beaten maliciously by nuns, in the name of God.

I have also done healings with people who carried the terror of being terrified to fall asleep if they hadn’t said their prayers as children, as an example, in case they died in the middle of the night and went to hell instead of heaven.

(Now, I don’t believe hell is a place. It is a state, and that state is the ‘separation trauma’ of not knowing the truth about God.)

I don’t believe any of these ‘rules’ and ‘behaviours’ have anything to do with God. I believe they were man-made constructs portraying God as a needy, judgemental and vengeful human, instead of our True Higher Loving Power.

Is it any wonder so many of us have had fractures with God?

I know mine were horrific.

I believe in the human psyche and that on both personal and collective levels, these fractures ARE shocking and are incredibly responsible for the relationships that we have with ourselves and with each other.

 

How to Heal Our Relationship With God

This I know – when we find and release and up level all of the terrible fractures we have internalised about our Higher Power, we come home to our True Relationship with God.

This relationship is what we already have coded within us as our organic truth. There is nothing we need to do to GET it, because we already ARE it. We already are at ONE, unconditionally, with God.

These traumas and false beliefs that have been inflicted upon us, taking us out of our Creator Truth and Power, are what disconnects us from knowing this relationship.

The following is what we experience when we get these traumas out of the way:

We know we are safe, eternal, immortal and will never not exist. We know we are already ‘home’, no matter where we are.

We know we are love and loved.

We know that if we honour our Inner Being, we honour all of Creation – The Field and Life and Others – and that God backs, support and honours this truth.

We know that what we want deeply at a soul level is what God wants for us too, just as much, and that God is always co-partnering with us to grant us this.

We know that we are flourished, nourished and adored beyond measure.

We deeply understand that when we take a wrong turn and things seem bad, that God is still loving us enough to grant us the evidence to awaken us back to our True Self and True Life.

 

The Filling of the Light With Quanta Freedom Healing Shifts In the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP)

In every NARP Healing shift experience, you are loading up the traumas and false beliefs that hurt, on any and every topic in your life, and then filling the space with your Higher Power.

NARP is so effective and heals what our logical mind simply can’t because it enlists a Higher Power to enter you where the trauma previously was.

And this Higher Power is not a needy, judgemental, conditional human construct of a God. Instead, it is your superconscious – the highest, wisest, infinite potential on any particular topic you are working on at the time. Because that is WHAT God JUST is!

This is what grants the spectacular shifts away from traumatised, broken states into fulfilled, whole, empowered ones instantly with NARP, and is why it regularly heals the unhealable in this Community.

To really accept and fill up and expand with this Light, it has been essential for some NARP members, myself included, to do specific healings on releasing the inner fractures with our Higher Power.

NARP addresses this specifically in certain Modules, recognising how essential it is, and these fractures can also be targeted with Module 1 or the Bonus Modules, in ways that are highly specific and effective.

If you are already on NARP and you want more specific direction, please ask here on the blog – I am really happy to answer your comments and questions about this.

If you are not a NARP member yet, and you want to release all that is NOT you and start filling with your Higher Power – your superconscious Self – then I can’t recommend enough doing the Module healings.

It is EXACTLY what healed me.

Okay, you can get started on NARP by clicking this link. And please know that you have a complete guarantee with my program – there is nothing for you to risk in trying it.

So, in closing, please let’s respect each other’s Higher Power choices and views, and please know I am totally not offended in any way if you don’t agree with my views.

I look forward to your comments and questions.

 

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11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Emotionally abusive relationships cause untold pain and stress on both our bodies and our minds. But how do we know what one looks like?  

 

 

“It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.”
― Aisha Mirza

 

Emotional abuse doesn’t start from day one. There is that lovely first stage when they are wonderful, everything you have ever wanted.  It seems you both want the same things out of life and yes, things move fast, but when it’s right it’s right. Right?

 

Sadly, that initial rush of excitement is often a chemical response and once you settle into a steady relationship, those exciting chemicals are replaced with calmer but more long lasting ones such as Oxycontin – the love drug.

 

Healthy relationships can thrive with this change.  Both parties feel secure and comfortable and are excited by the future.

 

Emotionally abusive relationships however can flounder at this point because the abuser craves the high of the start of the relationship and so they can change almost overnight.

 

Sometimes the arrival of a child can be the catalyst.  Suddenly they aren’t the centre of attention any more and this creates anxiety in them and they feel rejected.  Or they can become obsessed with the child and push you away. This can result in anger, resentment and even a breakup.

 

In both cases the other party, you, is left wondering where the great person they originally met went to.

 

For those who stick at the relationship, an insidious type of abuse can emerge.  Physical abuse is more overt and victims recognise it as unhealthy even when they aren’t in a position to leave.  But covert, emotional and psychological abuse is less easy to recognise and victims can stay for years before the realisation occurs.

 

This article will provide you with 11 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship with the hope to at least give you the awareness of what is going on.

 

11 Signs of a Emotional Abuse

 

  1. There is a lack of an emotional connection

    You never turn to each other for emotional support. You look to other people first. Or you have to mind read their emotions and put yours in a box. Certain personality types, including narcissists, are emotionally unavailable and can struggle with not just their own but also with their partners emotions.  This can lead to outbursts of either rage or silence as they become overwhelmed. They will also belittle or ignore your emotions and your emotional needs leaving you feeling lonely and unheard
  2. One person is dominant in the relationship

    They control everything.  The money. The decisions. The child care.  And they refuse to listen to your opinion. They send a very clear message that they know best and a subtle message that you are unable/incapable of doing anything.

    Or they set you up to fail by giving you all the control but constantly belittling you for your “mistakes”. They refuse to do anything and you often feel like you are parenting them.  Either way, their personality is dominant and everyone knows where the power lies.


    In family systems theory this is known as differentiation of self and all family members lose their own identity and become almost cult like in their following of the leader.
  3. You don’t have a sense of relationship security

    All relationships go through tough times but healthy individuals stay and work things out or end it to work on themselves.  Emotionally insecure people threaten to leave regularly so you feel like you have a noose around your neck all the time. This is another aspect of control and power over you.

    They want you to know the consequences of disagreeing with them or not adhering to their requests in any way.

  4. You are experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, depression, chronic pain, PTSD or substance abuse issues.  It is toxic stress and can be really damaging to your whole body
  5. Your partner is defining your reality by saying one thing and then denying it.  This is known as gaslighting and is psychological manipulation, a tactic often used by narcissists.
  6. They are extremely jealous and want to know where you are and who you are with constantly.  They don’t trust you to go to the shops and make constant accusations, some subtly, some outright. This is designed to isolate you and for them to maintain control of you
  7. They “surprise” you with changes to plans you already made under the guise of it being special, or better.  Really this is coercive and covert control.
  8. You feel sorry for them even though they are hurting you.  You blame it on stress, money, work – anything you can think of.  The reality is you care more about them than you do about yourself.
  9. They keep mentioning another person’s name but claims they are just friends

    Triangulation is a very powerful tool in creating jealousy and maintaining power.  They also do it to test boundaries and show how omnipotent they are. They get a kick out of seeing you uncomfortable and now knowing how to react.  If you question them you may get mocked or even accused of being abusive for not letting them have friends. They will say you are paranoid and so you will second guess everything.
  10. You are walking on eggshells

    Sometimes you don’t even want to go home because you don’t know what to expect and haven’t got the energy to manage it.  So you find yourself sat in the car in the car park or lingering in the shop just to delay walking into uncertainty. You even jump for joy when they aren’t in!
  11. You are questioning your sanity

    One of the biggest signs is when you start to think that you must be the problem.  You have been repeatedly told you are crazy, paranoid, miserable and they are so convincing that they are innocent, projecting it all onto you, that you begin to wonder if they are right. This isolates you and prevents you from opening up to anyone else for fear of being judged and it also provides a strong narrative for them to recruit family and friends to make you feel worse and imply you have problems.  This deflects all blame from them and no matter what you tell anyone, they have already stabbed you in the back and created their own version of the truth.

All of these signs are recognised in abuse models. This is known as the Duluth power and control wheel and is used to “diagnose” abusive relationships.

unhealthy relationship model
Duluth power and control wheel

 

If you recognise all of these signs, you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship and may even be in a relationship with a narcissist.  That may be the first time you have heard that. Take a minute. It’s not easy to hear.  It’s also up to you what you do with that.

 

I also understand that it isn’t easy to label the person you love as a narcissist.  You see all the good in them and believe that deep down they are a good person. I believe that too.  But right now you are suffering. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. And so something for you to consider is do you love them more than you love yourself?

 

I understand that what you want more than anything is for things to go back to how they were at the start.  For them to be the loving, fun and attentive person they were. Sadly we don’t have a time machine. And you can’t unknow what you know.  But you can make some conscious choices. The first of which is

 

  1. A) Do nothing, store this information away in your brain to perhaps recall at a later date but just get on with things
  2. B) Learn more.  Find out the reality of where you are at. Find out whether they are narcissistic.

 

If you choose B, we can help. You can read through our blogs for more information. We also have a quiz to help you know whether or not you are dealing with a narcissist.  It’s totally free.

Take our free “Is my partner a narcissist quiz?”

The post 11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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Narcissist Who? Becoming Apathetic To An Abuser

Narcissist Who? Becoming Apathetic To An Abuser

 

It’s a beautiful day when you feel NOTHING for an abuser and it’s called ‘You are NOT my reality’.

We all WANT to get there, and I know that includes YOU!

You can be forgiven for believing, because of how traumatic, painful and devastating the abuse is, that it will be IMPOSSIBLE to get there.

I once believed that too … but I promise you this is NOT true.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I am going to help you understand EXACTLY how to get to this place of complete EMOTIONAL FREEDOM from abusers, that myself and so many Thrivers enjoy.

 

 

Video Transcript

I LOVE it when we get to this powerful place…

‘You are NOT my Reality.’

People ask me all the time, ‘Will I ever be able to stop thinking about this person?’ and ‘Will I ever have an attraction like this to someone else?’ and ‘Will I ever be able to get him or her out of my system?’

I want you to know the answer is a resounding YES.

And today in this Thriver TV Episode I’m going to tell you exactly how to achieve this.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my Channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

So let’s start off with how you WON’T achieve this – just so you don’t waste your time.

 

Willpower Will Not Stop You Thinking About A Narcissist

If someone tells you to NOT think about something, the very act of trying NOT to think about it usually makes you think about it.

In fact, it is the same for any energy we try to put into opposition to something – meaning an ‘anti-movement’ where we actually feed energy to the thing that we DON’T WANT.

People say all the time, ‘I’m over that now!’. Believe me, when you hear this it is a sure-fire way to knowing that they aren’t over it at all.

Here is the deal with the way our subconscious traumas work – they control our mind. The brain is always following the body. The reason is that we are thrown into survival programs – those parts of our brain trying to keep us safe, are repeatedly thinking about the trauma living on inside us that is still hurting us.

This also relates to peptide addiction, meaning that we are literally addicted to the painful thoughts that we are having. It is because our brain wants to keep manufacturing the feelings, the emotions, and the somatically felt chemicals that match the trauma.

So around and around we go, continually thinking about what happened to us, how it could have been different, why we didn’t or couldn’t ‘whatever’ and, of course, the possibility and fear of it happening again.

In this state, we are locked down in survival and don’t get to ‘go free’ to find the space inside and outside of ourselves for creation.

It’s exhausting. Burning all that mental and emotional fuel on our past – the constant re-living of it and the trying to push over or through it. Is it any wonder our adrenals are stressed and that we don’t seem to have any energy, joy or inspiration?

This is the bottom line – if when you think about something you still feel the emotional charge in your body, then you will keep thinking about it. This is because your brain is being directed by your cellular being to do so. Your cellular being – your subconscious programs and nervous systems –controls 95% of your life. Trying to NOT think about this is like trying to stop a tsunami with a few sandbags.

If you don’t get to the bottom of why you think and feel the way you are, then the only way to escape the constant thoughts and feelings of the trauma and to get free, is to pick up addictions to numb it out or to take medication.

And generally we still keep getting driven back to abusers, as we try to get them to take away the trauma for us.

So how do we turn it all around … for REAL?

Make It All About You

Because we are usually the type of people who commonly get targeted and hooked in by narcissists, we have made a career of making it all about OTHER people.

This is our normal.

‘If I just check in with you and make you happy and provide you with what I need to, to prove my worth and lovability, you will provide me with love, approval, security and survival.’

Because we aren’t able to anchor into our own rights, values, deservedness and self-generative power, we hand away our own lifeforce as we try to make someone else love us.

Those of you already NARPing and Thriving, will get what I am about to say – which is a really radical way of looking at narcissistic abuse. In fact, it is counter-intuitive to what most narcissistic abuse people will tell you.

Here it is…

THIS is NOT about the narcissist – this is ALL about YOU.

When we look at things from a deeper, Quantum soul and spiritual perspective – everything happens for a reason.

Everything is happening FOR you.

The situations that come into our outer life are showing us what is going on in our inner life. The further we are out of alignment to our True Self and True Life, the more the situations, the evidence of misalignment, hurt.

When we come home and start making the decisions that honour our True Self and True Life, the pain and situations stop.

Yet no-one can bring us home but ourselves. And it’s our job to do this, as adults, regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing.

Yes, what is happening is awful, and narcissists are terrible and do disgraceful things. However, us making it ALL about ourselves is NOT excusing them … it’s simply acknowledging the truth.

I got to evolve myself GLORIOUSLY by really believing and accepting this truth, and it is the basis of tens of thousands of personal resurrections that I have had the joy of witnessing and continue to see emerge in this community every single day.

The narcissist’s ‘purpose’, at a deeper, wider, soul-evolutionary level, is to bring all the ways that we are not as yet self-partnered within ourselves smack bang into our conscious, like a sledgehammer.

 

Waking Up In Order to Heal

Here are some of MY greatest gaps which narcissistic abuse put me firmly on my BUTT to heal, if I was to have any chance of living, let alone Thriving.

  • The ways in which I was so self-critical and self-punishing. (He reflected that back, and then some!)
  • My inability to connect with, be with and soothe myself. (When I was distressed, he mirrored this by abandoning or punishing me harder.)
  • My terror of speaking up because of my unhealed fears of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment. (I had no voice and stayed with the narcissist, trying to keep the peace continuously – even when everything was screaming inside of me not to.)
  • My fears and terrors of not being able to survive on my own. (My greatest fears in this department were brought to life by him.)
  • My fear of other human beings and believing ‘I’m not safe in life’. (I ended up with crippling agoraphobia and a psychotic/adrenal breakdown because of this marriage.)

My list goes on and on.

Here is the thing – these traumas were already in my energy field before narcissistic abuse. Many were inherited, past life and collective female wounds, that were further supplemented in childhood trauma because our childhoods match our pre-birth traumas. Then, in my adulthood, they all blew up into a massive crescendo.

Why?

Because my soul wanted to make the unconscious conscious so that I would finally WAKE UP and free myself of these traumas.

We may think narcissists are using us for narcissistic supply, which they are doing, but WHAT if we, at a soul level, are using the narcissist as the instrument to deliver the evidence of what we need to heal?

And what an astounding instrument they are!

Narcissists have an UNCANNY ability to zone in on EXACTLY what it is that we have missing within ourselves.

My stuff was about not loving, seeing or embracing me, and these beliefs were ones that he supplied me in spades! He seemed so TOUGH and STRONG – ‘Finally I’ll feel safe in life with you by my side!’ Plus his façade was one of ‘wealth’ – ‘Thank God I’ll never be destitute!’

Then, as narcissists do, he turned back on me ALL these gaps, my issues, with ruthless ferocity. And my response was to cling on as I tried to resurrect the original ‘saviour’.

Of course, in my situation, the narcissist abandoned me, both literally and mentally. He turned on me physically, emotionally and sexually, leaving me SOOO unsafe. And the financial abuse I went through left me desecrated.

Need I say more?

My story is your story. This lure and switch game is what EVERY narcissist does. But I promise you – this is still about YOU.

Here’s the important part…

When you heal, you will no longer cling to someone hurting you, because you will be whole and full of self-love and self-worth. You won’t need to.

When you are already SAFE in life within yourself, you will never tolerate being with or enduring people who are unsafe and abusive.

When you become a self-generative force, who knows how to create a life with other available healthy components, regardless of what any other person is or isn’t doing, you will let go of unhealthy ones.

Not only are narcissists reflecting back to us perfectly the physical, real-life evidence of our inner unhealed shadows – they are also engaged in a spiritual contract with us. If you let go of holding them responsible for your unhealed parts and turn inwards to do the work to evolve yourself, the soul contract is completed and the narcissist leaves your experience.

I promise you this is true.

You may say, ‘But I’m tied up in co-parenting.’

I can assure you that there are people in my community who very successfully parallel parent with the same narcissists who used to make their kids and their lives hell. They are able to do this because their soul contract with this abuser has been healed and completed.

These people are unaffected by the narcissist, and their kids are doing an amazing journey with a healthy evolving parent leading the way.

The stories of ‘this hell will never end’ are NOT true – no matter what you may logically think, what abuse forums may tell you, or even what anyone still not awake to their soul contract will tell you.

What IS the true determinant is ‘where your soul is up to’ (see, again, it’s ALL about YOU!). When you get on board with what your soul wants to be up to – your healing, growing and evolving beyond your traumas and painful subconscious programs to come home to Who You Really Are – then there is no need for the hard grist to keep happening.

 

Just Having Too Awesome A Time

We know we are graduated when we are deeply immersed in the embodied understanding that ‘Your abuse brought me to my own glorious evolution’, and this becomes our focus.

Personally, I’m so grateful narcissistic abuse happened FOR me because if it didn’t I wouldn’t be living the astounding life that I do.

I feel AMAZING. And I love unpacking ANY trauma that does arise, because I know, on the other side of it, my relationships with me, life and others will be much more amazing.

I never had ANY of that before narcissistic abuse. In fact, when I look back at the person I was, even before being abused, I don’t recognise her.  I used to hand power away, was always scared, never spoke up, put my faith and trust in others – often with really bad consequences – and subjugated my values over and over, all to try to be loved.

Was I happy and Thriving before my Thriver resurrection? No! I was merely surviving and I truly did believe life was hard, lonely, unsafe and hard work.

Now I ADORE Life.

So please, those of you who write in and say, ‘I’m sorry Melanie for what you went through’, I love your compassion, but there is no need to write this. I promise you, I would go through it ten times over, if necessary, to feel and live the way I do now.

Can you see why I’m so passionate about this topic? It’s because I know that all this awaits every single one of you – no matter what your circumstance – IF you make your situation all about YOU.

Because, then, like me, as you start releasing trauma by doing the inner work of purposefully evolving yourself – which is what my NARP Program was created for – then you will start LOVING your life too.

If you want this please write below, ‘I am creating MY awesome Life, and you are NOT my reality!’

You WILL see the joy and the beauty, and you WILL have feelings of love and wholeness and happiness, simply because you exist.

Things will start coming into view, and you will start flowing forward into your life as your True Self, experiencing things that you once only dreamed about.

This is what happens for all Thrivers in this community, who start releasing their inner trauma and painful programs. They reset back to Wellbeing, which is who we are all naturally coded to be. It is your organic state, no matter what your life looks like now.

Abuse and painful programs all dissolve away, along with the people and situations who represent them and all your connections, emotional or otherwise, to them.

Narcissists are ONLY the catalyst. If they hadn’t shown up to do the job on you, someone else would have had to come along to fill their shoes.

Have you ever wondered why narcissists KEEP coming?

Now you know why. It’s because you have been missing the soul contact – the necessary turning inward to do the work to evolve yourself beyond what is being triggered off in you.

When you do this, I promise you it will be: ‘Narcissist who?’ and ‘Woohoo, what is next to create and experience in my life?’

THAT’s the life myself and other Thrivers live.

Join us – seriously. I can show you how to start claiming your soul contact graduation today – by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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