If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship it’s very likely you’ve heard the following words…
Look at you, you are crazy!’
You need professional help!
Everyone else can see it but you!
The thing is, when you a wrapped up in a toxic relationship you are LOSING your mind. You do feel despair, rage, confusion and panic … regularly.
You are triggered into feelings and reactions that you didn’t even know you were capable of.
And … it passes through your head, Maybe he or she is right. Maybe it is me after all.
Today, I really want to reach out to those of you who are deeply in the fog and don’t know how to find a way out and I wanted to give you clarity and hope.
I want to inspire you that these feelings – that you’re losing your mind and there’s something wrong with you, and with which you are being accused of and even diagnosed with – does not have to be your life sentence going forward.
In this Thriver TV episode, we look at exactly what is really taking place when the narcissist makes you out to be crazy one, and I want to inspire you with the solution of how to release yourself out of this, as well as personal stories that I hope can help you.
This topic is a very serious one and its one that virtually everyone who has ever been narcissistically abused has suffered from – being told you are the crazy one.
The reason I am doing this Thriver TV episode today is because I really want to reach out to those of you who are deeply in the fog and don’t know how to find a way out.
Those of you who are feeling damaged, defective and still reliant on the narcissist in some way – because this is a deadly trap that you need help to get out of.
Also, those of you starting to experience the narcissist’s mask falling and the insanity escalating – look out – because this is a very real and probable manifestation of what will happen when the abuse gets worse and you get more broken up by it.
In today’s episode, I want to give you clarity and hope – actually more than hope. And I want to inspire you that these feelings – that you are losing your mind and that there is something wrong with you, and with which you are being accused of and even diagnosed with – does not have to be your life sentence going forward.
In this episode, we are going to look at exactly what is really taking place when the narcissist makes you out to be crazy one, and I want to inspire you with the solution of how to release yourself out of this, as well as personal stories that I hope can inspire you.
Okay so let’s get going … when we are continually being told that we are the crazy one, we can be forgiven for believing it, because after all, we feel crazy! We feel deranged, sick and twisted into knots.
And, when we watch the narcissist carrying on as per normal (whatever their version of normal is) and not seeming to be falling down the steep decline that we are into unwellness and losing our sanity piece by piece – it looks like the narcissist is functioning and we are not.
I remember seeing this myself and thinking ‘He gets up and goes to work every day, whereas I can barely get out of bed. It MUST be me who has mental problems.’ And of course we get this thrown in our face constantly, ‘Look at you, you’re a mess. You seriously need help!’
We may not have realised that dysfunction, stress, mayhem and drama is the narcissist’s normal. They actually thrive off it, because it keeps them alive and able to avoid their inner empty chasm.
With outer distractions, the narcissist is pulled into another universe where they are the feared, the brilliant, the desired, the one who’s right, the one who has to suffer a crazy person – in some way they are the significant one. They get to live out whatever fictional character they are making up for themselves at the time. Yet, we are not used to operating within this much drama.
I know for myself as a previous co-dependent doing life the hard way without adequate boundaries or knowing how to align in true self – trying to fix situations and people in order to be approved of and safe – I absolutely had struggles, but not the massive onslaughts that come with narcissistic abuse.
Like myself, you may recognise ‘issues’ going to a whole new level on the stress radar, as narcissists bring our greatest fears from the depths of our subconscious vaults, to life. We find ourselves being dragged into a world of drama, confusion, and insanity that make our previous issues seem benign. And, we are being blamed for these problems, whilst trying to mop up the messes that the narcissist is refusing to take responsibility for, and then being accused of everything the narcissist is doing.
If all of that isn’t bad enough, to add insult to injury, the more we try to fight for justice, understanding, support, and cooperation from the narcissist, then more we get emptied out of energy and receive more traumatisation. We find that if we leave them to the issues they create, we are attacked for being uncaring, and if we try to sort them out we are meddling.
We are resilient absolutely and we proved to be in our former life, but now we are breaking under the strain. The truth is when you hang out with and are attached to very sick people – which narcissists are – you get very sick.
What we may not have realised, at the time, is that the narcissist is a master of projection, yet it’s not like they have taken classes to learn how to be. The ability and need to project and avoid responsibility becomes a tactic necessity for anyone who has succumbed to a life of a fragile False Self who in no way can be wrong, held accountable or questioned.
This is how it goes: the False Self is the omnipotent character that fiercely guards the entrance to the shrivelled up True Self. No one is allowed to go there, discover the narcissist’s inner disorders and traumas and expose that their behaviour is due to being psychologically ill, damaged and disordered. If someone did it would threaten the entire ego structure of the narcissist which is their house of cards – the only front they have to gain the necessary narcissistic supply that a narcissist needs to survive.
Most of this is unconscious. Think of the False Self, as an egoic entity that has virtually engulfed the narcissist and taken over. It is this entity that is responsible for the narcissist’s inner reality of ‘he or she did it’, ‘he or she is out to get me’ ‘he or she is not to be trusted’ ‘he or she is the reason why I had no option but to do what I did in my own defence.’
The truth is everyone, given their model of the world (which really means their perceived reality as per their level of consciousness) does what they do because they feel justified to do it. Otherwise, they wouldn’t do it.
After my own two narcissistic abuse experiences and working in this community for over a decade, I am convinced that narcissists firmly do believe you are the disordered one. They believe not only are you psychologically unwell, but also that you are the reason for the issues in the relationship as well as everything that goes wrong for the narcissist.
It is only in times of absolute severe Narcissistic Injury – when the narcissist suffers a terrible blow and his or her ego structure (False Self) is temporarily shocked out of operation – that the narcissist has any grasp on what is really real or not. False Selves make up stories to maintain their existence. It not just make-believe; to the narcissist its real.
Narcissists have a very maddening habit of saying ‘you are acting like a crazy person’, yet they don’t have the insight and peripheral to understand, ‘because of my behaviour you have been driven crazy’ … that simply does not factor for them.
In relation to the projection that the narcissist organically does, there is an even greater reason psychologically why they project their sickness onto you, ranging all the way from the accusations of you needing psychological help to being a narcissist yourself.
This is the reason: the narcissist has disowned their inner damaged True Self. It has been divorced, discarded and buried and replaced by the False Self, the fictitious character that the narcissist uses to ‘work’ life through.
But there is no avoiding ourselves, and ourself is the True Self, and anyone’s composition of their True Self is how they truly feel about themselves. The narcissist’s False Self is his or her self-medication to avoid the True Self. It is a buffer to drown it out, which the narcissist succeeds in doing when he or she is high on narcissistic supply. But this is a precarious existence which doesn’t work 24/7, and the narcissist regularly experiences narcissistic injury when something or someone does not appease the narcissist’s False Self in the conditional way it demands to be fed. Or the narcissist may not be able to source narcissistic supply adequately when in need.
It’s then that the narcissist has only one option when these feelings of being engulfed by the True Self hit. He or she despises these inner parts steeped in fear, vulnerability, brokenness, dishevelment, traumatisation and despair.
I wrote a post in Instagram about this – the meme is called ‘Remember You, Unlike The Narcissist, Have the Ability to Fully Come Home To Yourself’ because it is true no matter how much sickness the narcissist projects onto us, we can heal, but they choose not to.
So, the narcissist rather than wanting to go to his or her inner traumas and hold and heal them back to wholeness – which would be the only salvation for the narcissist – instead seeks to destroy these parts of him or herself that threaten the very fabric of the fictitious False Self.
What better way to do that, then to project these parts onto another person and then seek to destroy them instead?
And this is the thing, the False Self only wants perfection. It wants its ‘perfect’ ideal of what is worthy of its attention and what is going to generate more of its egoic significant self. The narcissist when he or she had you on a pedestal decided you were A-grade narcissistic supply – you had the best hair, body, personality, contacts, resources or something that fed the False Self significantly, or you were the slave that the narcissist selfishly used to improve their own life with. And now that you are defective and problematic, you are in fact replaceable, a nuisance, and insignificant because you are unavailable to grant the narcissist what you were in place for beforehand.
Now that you are not a trophy or slave to feed the False Self, you are a target for the narcissist’s wrath. You were always a pawn, but the urgency for the narcissist may now be to discredit and discard you as soon as possible. I can’t tell you how many people this happens to, when they finally ‘break’ and are not the shiny awesome narcissistic supply that the narcissist once believed they were.
For the longer term relationships where the narcissist stays, telling you that you are the crazy one, to add terrible insult to injury the narcissist may convince you that you need medication, psychiatric treatment or even institutionalisation. This provides the perfect scapegoat for him or her to say to all and sundry, ‘Poor me, I am trying to live with a disordered individual who is sick.’
All is not lost for the narcissist as there is a great deal of narcissistic supply to be gained from this – people commiserating, supporting and siding with him or her. And the narcissist gets to play out the illusion to everyone of being the kind and caring person when of course the reality behind walls is exactly the opposite of what people are told.
Maybe you are with an Altruistic Narcissistic who in-between terribly cruel, conscienceless acts toward you couldn’t be a more doting and caring nurse for you. It’s still a sick game because this narcissist gains narcissistic supply by controlling through giving and creating dependencies, whereby he or she has the victim well and truly hooked.
Either way its a spiral down into a terrible state, you being labelled as the sick one. It means you are either incapacitated, and / or have had all your rights taken off you. Then the narcissist’s False Self continues on with all the exploits that hurt you – affairs, stealing your resources and setting him or herself up to be the beneficiary of your money in any way he or she can. And 100% these people have every justification in their disordered heads for doing what they are doing.
People who are healthy may not see it coming, when you are downtrodden enough to believe that there is something wrong with you, you may miss it even more. It is also likely that your body is breaking down too, with a host of other health issues that you are dealing with, such as nervous system disorders like PTSD, fibromyalgia or other serious medical issues. These are all symptoms of you breaking down. And emotionally it is likely you are regularly devastated by how uncaring, inconsiderate and abusive the narcissist is toward you.
Or, in the case of the Altruistic Narcissist, he or she is caring for you unrelentingly in ways that keep you powerless and ill.
The truth is this: because you have been broken down into your powerless inner self, you feel like a child dependent on the narcissist. You don’t know yet that when you pull away and heal, and become your own True Power Source, that there will be no dependency, longing or need from the narcissist whatsoever.
It is a terrible and abusive situation to be stuck in, and so many people in this Community have been there, or still are and this is why I want to shine such a bright light of truth on this today.
With both narcissists absolutely I went through the horrible situation of succumbing to believing that I was the unstable one; that I had issues and that I needed help. I knew they both had issues, but I believed 100% that if I could take responsibility for mine that I could fix the relationship. With narcissist number 1, I went on anti-depressants whilst still in the relationship with him because he said I was unstable, had mood swings and anger issues (Gee I wonder why!) In no way were the issues sorted out by anti-depressants, my life breaking down just got worse and worse.
With narcissist number 2, after he hoovered me back, he altruistically offered to do anything to support my anxiety that had surfaced, yet his double life of other women continued. And I became incredibly needy, hooked and dependant on him. It was terrible.
What happened happens with all narcissists – unless there is enough payoff of narcissistic supply, then there is nothing in it for the narcissist, and if you aren’t providing enough in your unwell state then someone else will.
The narcissist is all out for themselves, and is sourcing new sources and planning their future life without you because you simply aren’t providing what the False Self needs anymore. Or if the benefits of your resources are still enough, the narcissist may toggle an existence with you whilst having their double life.
The biggest danger you can get stuck in – and I didn’t go nearly to the depths of this that so many people have – is that you feel so sick that you believe you need the narcissist for your everyday existence, maybe to even survive in the world because you can’t work.
Yet, this is the very person who projected onto you and got you to this level anyway. This person is not going to help you get well, rather they will break you all the way to your demise if you don’t do what is so hard yet essential to do – pull away, start releasing your trauma and heal to the level where you are a source to yourself.
In this community, there are people from the absolute depths of despair who had no choice but to go to a refuge after being abused by a narcissist. At this level of options, it is usually not just financial abuse that has been suffered. Generally, mental, emotional and physical health has been gutted also. Many of these people now, beautifully, as a result of choosing to honour and heal their inner being are now rebuilding or genuinely Thriving, generating their own lives with healthy boundaries, no longer absorbing other people’s sicknesses or being scapegoated for them.
There are people in the depths of diagnosis, disorders, and illnesses mental and physical who narcissist cruelly discard. I know that seems the most heartless thing, but I promise you that these people who get out, are fortunate to be expelled, because they possibly wouldn’t have left on their own accord.
This is what Marcia said: “When the narcissist discarded me I was on anti-depressants for 12 months during the relationship, having been diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder. I was not able to work. I thought I was defective, useless, unlovable and I wanted to die, but then after finding your work I decided I had already lost everything, and there was nothing to lose by doing the Quantum inner work.
Today, 18 months later, I have absolutely no symptoms, and I am completely medication free. I am happier, more confident and empowered than I’ve ever been. I now have a wonderful new partner who is genuine, loving and supportive. But I didn’t want to meet him straight away. I gave myself time to heal my wounds that the narcissist unearthed for me, and I became a solid sane, healthy, happy source to myself, because no way, ever, was I going to be susceptible to being in a relationship of abuse and projection again.
Of course in the relationship I was histrionic. It was full of gaslighting, pathological lying and other hidden women. Because I was trapped in there, trauma-bonded to him because of my unresolved childhood wounds about my father’s treatment of my mother, of course, I went bat-shit crazy! Thank god he threw me aside and I found the way to heal these wounds once and for all. I would never tolerate a relationship like that again. I feel better than I ever have after surviving and then thriving from this.”
Then there are the people who the narcissist keeps on and doesn’t discard when their sanity and health breaks them down. This is for selfish purposes – connections, money, resources, possible property acquisition, and/or the power of being able to control this person. Of course, this makes it hard to get away – incredibly hard – yet sometimes something clicks and people do. I have seen it happen many times, where people awaken, no matter what their circumstances and know that their only salvation is to get out and heal.
Years ago a girlfriend of mine who was heavily medicated, believing she had psychological issues, contracted breast cancer. In hospital realising that she would now have to fight for her life from an aggressive cancer and a double mastectomy, woke up knowing that her husband had driven her to deep depression and a life and death brink. For herself and her two boys, she never went back to him. Today, she is fully in remission, has a beautiful husband, a new daughter and is incredibly happy.
Here it is our conclusion to this – believing that you are the sick one is a one-way ticket to your demise. Because it means that you will stay, you will hand over power, and the narcissist gets exonerated to keep treating you in the soul-sucking way that he or she is doing.
Yes, you are sick because this person has made you sick. You have stayed on and this has made you sicker. The only way to get well is to get away and heal the deep inner reasons why this terrible disease, Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, has been able to wrap its deadly tentacles around you.
Let go and get away and truly heal is exactly what I did and countless other Thrivers before you have done also. People just like you who went through the most unimaginable traumas, horrors, and powerlessness.
That is what this Thriver Community is all about, a supportive tribe of people who know exactly what you are going through because they have made it through out to the other side themselves. The way we achieved this was with the deep inner healing of Quanta Freedom Healing, the main component of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).
It allowed us to achieve the return of our power and sanity and the ability to totally disconnect and get free from the narcissist with eventually no emotional tries.
If this episode spoke to you and you know you need to do something to save your life, sanity, and soul, I’d love to offer you my life raft – my free 16 day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more.
So until next time … keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do
And please leave your comments and questions below – I love responding to them.