If we wish to Thrive after narcissistic abuse, there is ONE thing that will start that journey.
Turning our focus inwards …
To heal the only person we can heal to heal our life – ourselves.
But … what is it that we need to heal?
And … how do we discover exactly what it is?
We may not have realised (I certainly didn’t initially and no-one was talking about this) that the answers are RIGHT in our FACE.
The narcissist is, in fact, a mirror, holding up for us and reflecting on to us those unhealed, unconscious parts of us that need our healing attention.
It’s SO ironic that the person abusing us also hands us the key to liberate us … if we know how and where to look.
This Thriver TV episode is about the make or break experience we have after narcissistic abuse – whether we regress into victimhood or evolve.
So … how can we awaken to not only recover from the trauma and the pain of what happened to us but also be freed to experience much higher, pleasant and wholesome relationships in the future?
Watch this episode to find out!
Many people get really upset with the premise of so within, so without, feeling quite miffed about what we may need to look at and heal within ourselves as a result of being in a relationship with a narcissist.
And, of course, things can get even more confronting when we look at ‘the narcissist as our mirror’. This does not necessarily mean that we are the same as the person, such as a pathological liar and conscienceless, but what it does mean is that the narcissist’s behaviour and the things that they have hurt us with, as well as hooked us in with, are the things that are reflecting back to us our necessary soul messages and lessons to learn and evolve from.
Our painful relationships have a purpose to them. They are impactful. They affect us in significant ways and we have a choice as to whether we are going to go within to realise and then take our inner gifts forward, in order to have much more pleasant and rewarding experiences in the future, or whether we are going to regress into victimhood and be forever scarred, defensive and limited going forward.
The Narcissist Shows Us Who We Want to Be
One of the first ways that narcissists provide a mirror reflecting back to us our vital healing lessons is when we first meet them. If we have an incredibly powerful pull, the feeling like we have met our soul mate, this relates to them ‘being’ all the things that we think our perfect mate needs to be.
Things like attractive, attentive, interested in us, supportive, successful, nourishing and like-minded. If we find ourselves swept up very quickly into heady feelings of love, without getting to know a person for real, this is often an indication that we have entered obsession and enmeshment rather than healthy feelings of connection.
What this really equates to is believing: ‘I think this person is the one’.
But here is the thing, narcissists know how to appear and position themselves to be your everything and we fall for it, and later down the track we keep projecting onto this person who we ‘want’ them to be, rather than accepting ‘who they really are’ and we pay a terrible price for not facing reality.
And, even if this is a healthy person that you have met that has got it going on for real, when we decide to ‘love’ someone because of their attributes, especially aesthetic and accomplishments, rather than what their values are and who they really are on the inside, then we are unconsciously seeking the things that we don’t feel anchored in within ourselves.
Our emptiness inside causes an inability to connect to another person’s true ‘inside’ and gauge a relationship from that real place.
Our best inoculation against false-selves is to be a whole self. Our best way to make relationships work with a whole self is to enter the relationship as one ourselves.
The Four Internal Deficits
Let’s look at what we may be seeking through another. To me, this always fits into four categories, love, approval, security and survival.
If we don’t love ourselves and feel love and bliss through our veins as our own identity, whilst loving life and loving being alive (which are all normal and organic feelings when we start to lovingly self-partner, go within and release ourselves from trauma to be our True Self) we will frenetically need to be in a relationship to have someone else ‘loving us’.
This leads to deficient self-approval. When we are devoid of love flowing through us as us, then our approval of self is conditional too. It goes like this: ‘When I have a partner I will be whole. When I have this in place, or when I have reached this milestone, or when I get these things or states, then I can approve of myself.’
We think approval is about other people believing we are good enough, but its actually always to do with ourselves. And the irony is if we don’t approve of ourselves and instead try to have other people supply us with what we believe is necessary to feel worthy, such as attractiveness, lifestyle, wealth or acquisitions, we will be left without them. We inevitably come back to that same place of necessary healing within us what we have been seeking from outside of ourselves.
Ironically our healing is never about getting the stuff. It is actually about loving and approving of ourselves as we are.
And isn’t it strange (not!) that until we make this journey of self-healing, we will never love people for themselves. We may only place value on them for how they look or what they have to offer. Narcissists are more comfortable about being objectified and sexualised because their egos love that level of ego feed (even though a relationship will never work with a narcissist because enough will never be enough), but real people will dislike it and be turned off by it immensely.
Naturally, the missing feelings of security and survival also fit into the categories of trying to source from outside ourselves the acquisitions, success and lifestyles that may make us feel secure, but really this goes much deeper.
The Need For Survival
Our survival terrors are about deep primal survival programs, and often these are highly involved when we are in narcissistic relationships.
Maybe we have always felt unsafe and even had an insidious inner fear of being abandoned, annihilated and cast out. Maybe in times of confrontation, we have handed our power away and found ourselves automatically freezing, tongue-tied, not honouring ourselves and trying to keep the peace to avoid C.R.A.P. (criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment).
Or maybe we overreact and hook right into situations with unhealthy pathological people, who are abusing us, despite the insanity and simply can’t pull away to look after ourselves, even when we know we need to.
Those survival programs go like this: ‘If I don’t stay attached and fix this, I’m dead.’
If you have never as yet delved deeply into past life and epigenetic generational traumas, please take it from me, they are responsible for so much of our unconscious behaviour that simply does not serve us, and they can be WAY too huge to overcome until we go inwards and find them and resolve them.
I personally would not be alive, let alone Thriving if I hadn’t sorted out mine.
Becoming What We Wish to Receive
We don’t need to match potential partners, to receive the goodies that they may share in relationships with us, but we do need to be clear of trying to seek out what we feel is missing. The reason is very clear, it’s because of Quantum Law, ‘so within, so without’.
Whatever we feel is missing stays missing. We either get with a narcissist where that ‘thing’ was never for real anyway or in a relationship with someone who is not a narcissist where we will lose that commodity by losing that person because it was never their job to fill our deficits in the first place. It’s our own.
All relationships are powerful mirrors reflecting back our unhealed parts so that the unconscious can become conscious and we can heal them if we choose to wake up and go within. Yet, narcissistic relationships magnify that mirror dramatically in a way that we can’t avoid the lesson, because not only are we back at square one without that thing we unconsciously tried to seek through another, we are even further behind now than when we started.
Life and our souls ingeniously turn up the impact of the lesson until we get it.
Discovering The Area Which Require Healing
So, let’s jump straight into a self-exploratory session with the mirror that was being held up to you. And I really suggest pausing this video and working with a journal through this stuff.
What were the things that you idolised about with this person that you may still be struggling to let go of?
Write them down.
Now… which of these things don’t you believe, cogenerating with life, you can provide for yourself?
Do you feel you need another person to do this? If that’s how you feel you are in ‘Wrong Town’. It won’t work. If you don’t understand this, you aren’t healing and getting the lesson.
When you do accept this lesson, you know there is the necessity to apply one of these two healing solutions, either healing your own blocks and limitations in order to become a whole source of that thing to yourself, non-reliant on another providing it for you or letting go of the need of it in your life, which means healing the conditional self-approval that you have been applying to yourself regarding it.
Now, either way, there is the space and the freedom for what you are already being, ‘wholeness’, to come into your life and add more to what already exists.
Now, let’s check out the survival programs, the reasons that you stayed attached despite unhappiness and even severe abuse.
List the times when you stayed attached, made excuses, chose to forgive unforgivable behaviour and did not leave the relationship and/or break all contact with an abusive person. And check into why you still may obsess and ‘want’ them, after leaving, or being left, even though you know that is logically ridiculous.
There is only one way to recognise and embrace what it is that this person was teaching you.
Go within, and ask your inner being, ‘Why is it in that situation I didn’t leave?’ And, ‘Why can’t I accept that this person is no good for me and move on?’
I want you to get really real and vulnerable with yourself, because that small still inner voice within will grant you feelings and information like ‘I felt like I was going to die’, “I feel like I would never have love again’, ‘I felt like my life would be finished’ and, ‘I would never cope alone’ or ‘I felt like I would never survive on my own’. Whatever it is.
Record what you receive in your journal.
I promise you that these are beliefs and traumas that you have in your energy field that once addressed will not feel like this. In fact, when you do address and heal them, not only will these terrible feelings of conditional enmeshment and addiction dissolve, you will also feel more liberated, free, expanded and joyous than you ever did even before you were in this relationship with this person.
Why? Because they were a mirror reflecting back to you. If you go within, what you needed to heal in order to become the next highest and most expanded version of your true self, without exception.
Does that make sense?
I hope this episode has been big food for thought for you and helped you turn inwards to heal the only person you can heal. To heal your life yourself.
And if you’d like to learn more about how to powerfully heal this stuff for real, you can sign up to my free 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more.
So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
My soon to be 20-year-old daughter is driving down my driveway as I start to write this. It is a warm August morning and everything is glistening in the fresh dew of a new dawn. I wanted to write to you all as quickly as I could… while the raw and overwhelming emotions are still bubbling up within me.
I see you sweet, sad mama. I see your pain and I feel your despair and I want my words to surround you and uphold you during all the darkness… and reassure you… the sun will shine again… you will be okay, your babies will be okay… the sun will shine once again upon you all, more beautifully than it ever had before… More beautifully than you could ever imagine.
My daughter is a child of divorce. Not just divorce, but a High Conflict Divorce. All my children and I are survivors of a high conflict divorce crafted by a brilliant Covert Narcissist. Need I say more?
Those of you who have lived a similar fate, need no further explanation.
And those who have not… well, sometimes we can try to explain the details of what we and especially our children have endured at the hands of a crafty covert narcissist… but, if you have not personally experienced it… it’s hard to imagine the depth and breadth of maniacal effort he will expend to ruin the lives of the people he is supposed to love and protect (ie. their own children!!!).
Because all that matters to him is that he wins… at all cost. He has no regard for the trail of debris he leaves along his path. The damage they leave behind means nothing to them, they’re only focused on their new supply.
Their lifelong mantra is:
- Hurt, Decimate or Ignore those people who can no longer “help me”… be of “service to me”… “make me look good”.
- Focus on manipulating my present and future… by pleasing only those people who can provide me with ways and opportunities that will “help me”… be of “service to me”… “make me look good”.
High Conflict Divorce Steals Moments Of Joy
The high conflict divorce stole my daughter’s childhood and robbed us of all the happy-memory-making-mother-daughter moments I’d always dreamed of sharing with my daughter.
She was only 10 years old when the horror of our high conflict divorce began and the second half of this precious child’s life was basically a nightmare, from which I had no way to save her. I couldn’t save any of my kids, because I couldn’t save myself.
I wish I could change the past.
I wish I was stronger, smarter, more clever, more crafty, more conniving… but I wasn’t.
And instead, allowed myself and my children to literally be dragged through the filthy, ugly, cold and dark corridors within the Halls of Justice of our broken Family Court System for almost TEN loooong years… by a covert narcissist who used and manipulated a broken system to break us.
Unfortunately, what happened today didn’t change the past.
But, it did something better…
After so many years of tears, frustration, fear and anxiety, so much pain and hours of therapy.
After a long overdue visit between mother and daughter.
After all of that…
As the warm morning sun shone down upon us, while we hugged goodbye standing in my driveway… During that loving embrace we both experienced a Moment of Magic.
Those Moments of Joy Will Return
Even though we’d both worked very hard to get there… (each in our own way)… and we both prayed and wished for this moment of magic… (each in our own way)… never knowing “when” it would happen, yet always believing it would….
It did happen.
After a decade of wishing I could’ve prevented or changed all the horrible moments and mourning all the happy moments we missed… We were finally given an incredible gift… the gift of feeling a moment of magic in the present.
We shared a mother-daughter moment of magic when we finally both felt truly healed… the moment when our souls and hearts finally re-connected and felt full and whole again.
In the past, we were broken.
In the present, we are healed.
And the future holds so much promise.
I want those of you… who are now in the depths of pain and despair to know… there will be a moment of magic.
It may take a year or ten or more… but it will happen.
You and your children will endure the destruction, and after everything has been destroyed and burned to the ground by your covert narcissist ex… The Sun Will Shine Again.
New life will rise from the rubble… your lives will be rejuvenated.
You and your children will heal. Have hope and faith you will make it through. Believe me, you will have your moment of magic.
It will happen.
The post A Letter To Moms Surviving a High Conflict Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.
Interesting linksHere are some interesting links for you! Enjoy your stay :)
- Surviving the Holidays Without Your Kids
- 5 Signs You’re Settling For Less Than You Deserve in Your Relationship
- 7 Tips For Enjoying Instead Of Avoiding The Holidays Post-Divorce
- Should You Divorce Now, or Wait Until the Holidays Are Over?
- 4 Silly Romantic Notions You Don’t Want To Take Into Your Next Relationship