Today I want to talk to you about the 10 signs that you are suffering from Aftershock.
I dearly hope that this can help you realise what is happening to you, inside of you and in your mind when you are struggling to stay away after leaving a narcissist, get your sanity and Life Force back and move on with living and rebuilding.
My heart goes out to you because I went through this horrifically too!
Many years ago, I picked up on this phase “Aftershock” – and truly I’m not sure whether I heard it somewhere, or if it just occurred to me, that this is what is happening to nearly every victim of narcissistic abuse who can’t just “snap their fingers” and move forward.
Please know you are not defective and hopeless if this is your plight!
But before I go into these 10 signs to know that you are suffering from Aftershock, let’s look at what Aftershock is.
Aftershock – It Gets Better Before It Gets Worse
Many people are stunned after leaving a narcissist because they thought they would get relief and start recovering, but they didn’t. In stark contrast they felt much worse – sometimes so much so, that they even thought they were going crazy.
People around you can’t understand why you aren’t getting better now that you are away from the narcissist. They are stunned that you just can’t get on with your life.
And you don’t understand this either.
Today I want to help you grasp exactly what is going on with you.
Okay, let’s go through these 10 signs to know that you are suffering from Aftershock – so that you can get very clear, if this is what you are going through.
Number 1 – You Feel Wiped Out And Exhausted
It’s like you can barely function, get out of bed or take care of your everyday tasks.
It feels like a major accomplishment to have a shower, make a cup of tea, and put on clothes. Maybe you can’t even get out of bed. Possibly your basic requirements for caring about yourself feel near impossible, let alone facing the effort necessary for the rebuilding of your life after the destruction of narcissistic abuse.
Number 2 – You Have Grave Fears About Your Future
You suffer feelings of emptiness, helplessness and hopelessness regarding rebuilding your life. You don’t know where you are going to be able to conjure up the hope, support, inspiration, power, and energy to move forward.
Thinking about the challenges that lie ahead seems insurmountable to you.
It’s common that you feel drastically unsupported by the system, and even family and friends. And, most definitely it feels like no one understands.
No matter how much you speak to people and research narcissists, such as who they are and what they do, and what this has caused you, you don’t seem to get any mental closure and peace.
Number 4 – Intense Negative Feelings
It feels like you are going through some terrible Soul sickness.
The intensity of your feelings and how deeply they run within you, may frighten you – feelings like total heartbreak, absolute abandonment, dark despair, toxic hatred, deep shame, self-disgust, and utter self-worthlessness, just to name a few.
These painful emotional states feel like they are eating you alive, stripping you of your energy and Life Force. Any emotional relief that you seem to obtain, ends up being only temporary, because these feelings keep coming back.
You may be terrified about who and what you can trust personally, and this fear may also be in regard to the system and authorities.
Devastatingly your trust and faith in yourself to be able to navigate the future may feel shattered.
Number 6 – Panic Attacks
You discover how triggered you can be by things that remind you of the narcissist and what you have been through. This brings on feelings of being unable to cope or being so unsafe that you can barely breathe. Maybe you are shaking and hyperventilating at these times.
Possibly you are breaking into tears uncontrollably, or to cope you numb out and can barely operate or be present with what you are trying to do.
It’s likely that you are experiencing regular and vivid nightmares that leave you visibly shaken when you wake up from them.
Number 7 – Doubting Your Sanity
You feel like you are going crazy. You literally feel like you are losing your mind, can’t deal with the shocking feelings that you are feeling, and / or still feel like you are desperately in love with, or missing this person, and can’t live without them.
Even if you don’t want to reconnect with this person “lovingly” you may feel like you can’t stop needing them to understand, validate you or take responsibility for what they have done, even though you know any connection to this person keeps creating terrible trauma for you.
Number 8 – Second-guessing
You start to wonder if it is you who has the issues, if you got it wrong – if you should be the person being sorry, trying to fix this, and changing aspects of yourself to make this relationship work.
Maybe you believe it is “meant to be”, and it’s your duty to love this person back to health. Or perhaps you have overwhelming feelings of responsibility, guilt, and obligation to this person.
You may believe that this is some sort of “Soul-contract” for you to remain in this person’s life, even if this means martyring yourself to help them.
Number 10 – You Become “Less”
Because of all of the above, you are in a terrible state – and understandably so.
Again, please know Aftershock is more common than you could ever imagine. Of course, you are trying to cope with all of this emotional and mental turmoil as well as the intense strain it is causing to your nervous system and also your literal physical health.
It is not your fault, but of course you become so much more unavailable to the people in your life who you love. You may even find that you can barely tolerate them requiring any of your care, energy, and attention.
It may have become near impossible for you to have the energy and sanity to be able to function in your job. Additionally, the interests that used to give you energy are also neglected.
You thought after leaving a narcissist you would become “more”, but you now feel even “less” than you did when you were connected to this person.
Aftershock happens because once you get some “space” from the narcissist, the traumas from yesterday, last week, month and year, that you had pushed down and during your battle of survival, all have the room to explode into your consciousness.
When deep trauma surfaces from within, your brain is trying to “manage” it – and get it “sorted” into some sort of human rationale filing system.
But it can’t, it’s too overwhelming.
Within the MTE Thriver Healing team, we have lived Aftershock in our own personal abuse experiences and also have witnessed thousands upon thousands of people suffering from Aftershock.
It is so not true that time heals narcissistic abuse. Rather, it is the right healing that heals narcissistic abuse.
In our community we find that people who use Quanta Freedom Healing, and commit to it, get positive results with relief from Aftershock, and are able to gain themselves and their life back powerfully and quickly. The difference between these people and those who don’t work with Quanta Freedom Healing is literally like day and night.
There is much to understand regarding why this is the case.
What is even more important is to feel in your body WHY Quanta Freedom Healing engages and accelerates your recovery and healing process.
If you are suffering from Aftershock, I am passionately inviting you to my free 2-part Masterclass, to learn more about what I have shared with you today, as well as grant you a free Quanta Freedom Healing.
In my humble opinion Quanta Freedom Healing is the only process I know that definitely heals this.
You can sample for free a Quanta Freedom Healing to experience the extreme results of relief returning to you, for yourself here – www.recoverhealthrive.com
And … more than anything I hope that this article has validated you and allows you to know that you are not alone if you are feeling bamboozled, confused and exhausted with your Aftershock symptoms.
Please know we have thousands of people in our community here who have completely healed from Aftershock or are in the process of doing so.
You don’t have to get through this alone!
Again, I can’t recommend enough for you to go to www.recoverhealthrive.com to learn more about how to put an end to your Aftershock.
As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Narcissistic families do a very good job of looking “normal” to the outside world. But inside they are full of self-loathing, hurt, anger, anxiety and pain.
The impact of having a narcissistic family of origin can last a lifetime and reveal itself in relationships, behaviours, thoughts and feelings.
This guide will reveal the truth behind the curtain of narcissistic families with the aim of helping:
Individuals who have experienced a narcissistic family of origin
Those who have escaped a narcissistic family (either through birth or marriage) but are struggling with comprehending their reality
Those who are attempting to co-parenting with a narcissist and have concerns about their child repeating these same damaging patterns
Anyone who is going to court against a narcissist and is looking for more understanding and the correct terminology to use when explaining the situation to professionals
Anyone with an interest in understanding narcissistic families
Types of Narcissist
There are many different terms used to describe narcissists (cerebral, somatic, overt and covert, malignant) but I think these labels sum up the behaviours much clearer.
The toxic narcissist
A toxic narcissist “continually causes drama in others’ lives at the very least and causes pain and destruction at the very worst,” says clinical psychologist John Mayer, PhD. If someone in your life has caused more extreme issues, like gotten you fired from your job, physically abused you, or led to the end of a relationship, they may be a toxic narcissist as well.
The psychopathic narcissist
A psychopath is an unstable, aggressive person, and these traits also show up in the psychopathic narcissist. A psychopathic narcissist, which is a type of toxic narcissist, will often be violent and show no remorse for their behavior.
The closet narcissist
This one can be trickier to spot than other types of narcissists because the person isn’t always obvious about their disorder. However they demonstrate the main characteristics of narcissism including feeling entitled, constantly needing other people to admire them, being preoccupied with success, being jealous of other people, and lacking empathy for others.
“They’re a bit more codependent,” says psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT. “They often try to pretend that they’re really selfless, but like to associate themselves with someone that they admire and ride their coattails.”
The exhibitionist narcissist
The exhibitionist narcissist is on the opposite end of the narcissism spectrum from the closet narcissist. This person takes advantage of other people and is often haughty and arrogant. They’re also blatant about their self-centered behavior. They love to be centre of attention and become angry if they are not.
The bullying narcissist
This person combines two terrible traits: bullying and self-absorption. Bullying narcissists build themselves up by bringing others down. They’re often fixated on winning and will mock or threaten others to get their way. They ultimately get joy from making other people feel bad, small, or unworthy.
The seducer narcissist
They will often seem to admire or fawn over you, only to write you off once they no longer have a use for you.
In my opinion, most narcissists can display elements of each of these but one will be their default character.
Characteristics of Narcissists
The likelihood is that very few people will know someone who has clinically diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder because narcissists will rarely seek help for their behaviours. They are often diagnosed with other disorders which mask the true condition. However, I do feel it is important that you know what the official diagnostic criteria is so that we can look at how it presents in families:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
NPD in the family context:
Will expect everyone to bow down to them in the family. Has high behavioural expectations of the children. Wants everyone to think they are the perfect parent so will push the child into presenting as perfect which can cause a child great anxiety and make them very fearful of mistakes
Can totally distort reality for the whole family by becoming fixated on what they “should” be doing or being. Children will often overhear their children lie to other people and this can be very confusing when the narcissist (and school/nursery and society in general) have a zero tolerance on lying. The child will struggle to organise their morality as it is one rule for the narcissist and another for everyone else.
The narcissist may over exaggerate the child’s skill or experience in order for the narcissist to achieve their own aim of feeling special. This can set the child up for disappointment, failure and rejection which the narcissist will then punish them for “making them look bad”
Narcissists will ruin special occasions, including their own children’s birthdays to make themselves centre of attention. Parties can be extravagant to show off and have everyone tell them what amazing parents they are for going to so much trouble. They will often exert themselves into situations which are none of their business because they feel they have the power to influence (grandiose sense of self) and then take all the credit (even if they did very little or even made it worse)
Narcissists expect everyone to do as they say. The rule by fear and neglect. If family members disobey them they are punished either with rage or silence and others learn to do as they are told.
Everyone is a commodity to the narcissist including their own children. They will parade them to gain attention from others but ignore them when they do not serve them. This is very confusing to children who need stability and consistency from their parents. Children will also witness lots of changes in people who are around the narcissist. They make and break relationships really easily so children learn not to become too attached to anyone.
To the narcissist, the only feelings that matter are their own. Their mood becomes the mood of the whole family. Everyone learns to respond and sooth the narcissist. In a healthy parent-child relationship, the parent soothes the child but when a parent lacks empathy it is the child who soothes the parent, teaching the child their feelings are not important and making it difficult for them to recognise their own feelings as they are so enmeshed with the narcissists.
The narcissist doesn’t trust anyone and so have a very persecutory view of life. Coupled with their grandiose sense of self and their belief they are entitled, when they see others with things they want or deem of value they become very jealous and can make accusations as to how someone made that achievement. They will even accuse their own children of lying, cheating or stealing from them.
A narcissistic parent looks down on everyone and is quick to criticise. They will compare their children to themselves and others to belittle their achievements.
There are some additional behaviours which are common for narcissists to exhibit:
Projection – the narcissist will tell the child they are feeling something which they are not which can cause long term identity issues as they are unsure what their own feelings feel like
Conditioning through punishment and reward – children of narcissists tend to seek out vulnerable relationships because they have been conditioned to seek out punishment and reward for their behaviours in order to get the attention they need
Triangulation – we will be covering this more shortly but essentially narcissists will use their children to get around someone’s boundaries
Idealise and devalue – children of narcissists cycle through being idealised and devalued on a daily basis as they try to meet the expectations of the narcissist. We will explore this more later
Fear – PTSD and developmental trauma is common in children of narcissists. Their bodies become addicted to the stress hormones and this can cause long term damage to their brain.
Create anxiety – children of narcissists never know where they stand with a narcissistic parent because the narcissist has a disorganised attachment style (more on this later) which creates extreme anxiety as they are unsure how to behave to get their own needs met
Gaslighting – one of the narcissists favourite tools is to distort reality so that they can then control it and they do that by constantly changing the goals posts, denying what was said and making the child question what they saw, heard and felt. It contributes to PTSD, anxiety and long term mental health problems
Emotionally unstable – the narcissist does not have the skills to regulate their own emotions and so they rely upon others (either a spouse or their children) to soothe them. Children quickly learn to spot the signs of dysregulation and how to appease their parent. Walking on eggshells contributes to PTSD, anxiety and long term mental health problems
Alienation and isolation – narcissistic families have secrets which they must keep at all costs. This means relationships are superficial and children’s friendships have to be approved by the narcissist. If anyone disobeys the narcissist or doesn’t meet their expectations they are cut off completely. Children learn by observing the price of disobedience. Read more about Attachment Based Parental Alienation here.
Common Themes
Narcissistic families follow a pattern of behaviour and are almost identical in every narcissistic family. Understanding these themes can help you to move out of the dynamic and into a healthier relationship.
Triangles
We all know narcissists love to triangulate. Well they will do it with their own children as well as everyone else.
Triangles service three main purposes for the narcissist:
They get to abuse boundaries
They keep everyone in set roles designated by the narcissist
They can be used to ostracise anyone who doesn’t play by their rules
Families will often not communicate directly with one another but through other family members. No one knows who they can trust and this is all purposefully directed by the narcissist to ensure that they remain in control. This also covertly sends the message to everyone that “you are not good enough” because they do not feel valued by anyone.
Another use of the triangle for the narcissist is that they create a very clear hierachy with them firmly established at the top of the tree. Even the spouse is below them and can often be replaced by a child. The narcissist will involve children in parental arguments and encourage them to align with them. This achieves three things:
Gives the child power they are not emotionally or cognitively capable of understanding and dealing with
Pushing the other parent out of the adult position, taking away their authority and putting them into a position of being controlled
Making it easier for emotional cutoff to occur
The narcissist is always ready for the relationship to end and so creating this hierachy and involving the children, means they are ready for the emotional cutoff which comes at the end of a relationship. They will then initiate something known as a role reversal.
This reverse is achieved through a range of behaviours by the narcissistic parent. Firstly, the child becomes the regulatory object for the parent which means that they respond to the emotions of the parent (as the ex spouse used to). The child learns to read the parent’s emotions and responds accordingly to prevent them from completely dysregulating through anger, rage or withdrawal.
The child has been conditioned to know that this is the only way to keep the attachment in tact, which they are desperately clinging on to for survival. The narcissistic parent will punish the child when they don’t meet their needs and reward them when they do. Regular repetition of these behaviours ensures the role-reversal relationship is permanent.
The final part of ensuring the hierarchy is reversed, is for the child to completely align themselves with the narcissistic parent which is achieved by creating an “understanding of shared grievances” against the other parent. For example, the child picks up a picture of the other parent and the narcissistic parent gets really mad. The child puts the picture in a drawer and the narcissistic parent buys them a new toy. They then push that to evoking criticism of the targeted parent using the same conditioning techniques. The child may say they had a good time with the other parent and the narcissist lashes out and tells them they are so ungrateful for all that they do for them. So the child mentions they had a disagreement and the narcissistic parent gives them a hug and tells them that they understand how angry and controlling the targeted parent can be. The child quickly learns that to regulate the narcissistic parent’s emotions and get their own needs met, they simply need to criticise the other parent. This is pushed and pushed until the child rejects the parent, believing it is their own choice. This reduces the anxiety for the parent which in turn reduces the anxiety for the child. At this point the ex spouse is alienated from their own children and the child has lost a loving and healthy parent.
Another triangle at play is the drama, or Karpman, triangle. This is not only playing out in this scenario but is often the basis of the trauma reenactment.
The narcissist will pull the children into the triangle to play whichever role is remaining. If the narcissist has decided they are the victim today, the spouse must be the abuser so the narcissist will encourage the child to take their side and “gang up” on the other parent. If the narcissist chooses to be the rescuer, they can accuse either their spouse or the child as the other roles. The narcissist will accuse the child of being abusive towards the spouse or another child so that they can “rescue them” and manipulate the relationship to win their affection and look like a hero. The narcissist will only ever play the part of the hero or the victim.
Unfortunately the impact on the child is that they take on all three roles in this triangle and learn that relationships are about drama and manipulation. Leading them to seek out abusive partners themselves in adulthood.
Co-narcissism
All members of a narcissistic family can become co-narcissistic because the personality, opinions and feelings of the narcissist are dominant amongst family members. Everyone is conditioned to think the same and there is very little individualisation within narcissistic families. It is very cult-like. As adults, members struggle with their own identity and often seek validation from others and can be people-pleasures.
Fabricated Illness
Many narcissists use either their own “illness” or the children’s “illness” to control public perception of them, ensure they can act the martyr, create a co-dependency amongst family members and use guilt to control everyone. Being mislabelled as having an illness is extremely confusing for a child who feels fine but is constantly being told they are X, Y and Z. It also teaches them that deception and manipulation can get you sympathy and attention which is a foundation for narcissistic behaviour in adulthood.
Parentification
Narcissists have no understanding of child development and so will expect their children to do things which they simply are not capable of due to their age. Narcissistic parents will criticise their children for not doing what they want them to, even though they do not have the capacity to do it, which leaves the children feeling they are a failure and letting the parent down in some way.
They will also expect the child to take care of them. This may be physically but is usually emotionally. Everyone in the family has responsibility for managing the narcissists emotions but for very young children this impacts brain development, especially around emotional processing, because they children learn about emotions from their parents helping them to understand and process them but with narcissists, it is the child who has to help the parent.
Generational Trauma
Trauma gets passed down from generation to generation until someone decides to do the work and heal the wounds. We learn how to interact, have relationships, view ourselves and the world from our early experiences. Life with a narcissistic parent means the overriding theme is trauma. Trauma creates long term damage to the brain and this impacts how we interact with the world. If you grow up seeing power, control and manipulation, you tend to attract the same types of relationships as adults. Helping yourself or your child to heal that trauma can break the cycle.
Discard
Everyone is a commodity to a narcissist including their own children. The moment they are of no use to them, they will discard them. This can be hard for a child to understand and they will often internalise guilt and shame, thinking they must have done something wrong and they weren’t good enough.
Family Roles
Golden Child
Scapegoat
Conforms to avoid rejection, criticism and shame
Presents as being a high achiever, follows the rules, seeks approval from others, very responsible
Inside they feel guilt, hurt and inadequate
Are the emotional punch bag for the family
Presents as being hostile, defiant, rule breaker, in trouble
Inside they feel rejected, hurt, guilty, jealous and angry
Mascot
Victim
Often the family clown whose role is to make others happy
They present as immature, fragile, cute, hyperactive and distracted
Inside they are fearful, anxious and insecure
They are dependent upon the family
They present as hostile, manipulative, aggressive or self pitying, blameful, charming and having rigid values
Inside they feel shame, guilt, fear, pain and hurt
Read more about the family roles in our blog Pedastal Or Pit
Overcoming parental narcissism
Establish firm boundaries
Be clear on what you will and won’t tolerate. Practice grey rock techniques and saying no. You have been conditioned to do as you are told and to obey. You know that not doing so will result in rage, silence or smear campaigns. You have to make peace with the consequences.
Structure in all settings can provide children with a safe, predictable, and secure buffer from insidious psychological damage. The emotional roller coaster a narcissistic parent perpetrates can be even more detrimental to a child’s healthy ego-development than overt abuse.
Nurture your inner child
You didn’t get the parents you deserved. You can’t change that. But you can give yourself what your younger self needed. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself unconditionally.
Unleash your superhero
What happened to you isn’t fair but staying in the victim mentality gives the narcissist all the power so it’s time to realise you are more powerful than you think. You are in control of your own life. You decide what you do on a day to day basis, you get to create your own future. Set yourself some clear goals of how you want your life to look.
Help your child to feel strong by giving them choices at home. Help them decide what they want out of the relationship with their parent and support them whatever they decide.
Reduce your contact
It is OK to put yourself first and only speak to your family on your terms. Your well-being is your responsibility and priority. Limit the length of phone calls, decide what topics you will or won’t talk about. Have an exit plan if you go to visit.
The narcissist will use contact with their child to control you. It is triangulation. Ensure that call times (including length of call) and methods (who calls who, what app is used) are included in your parenting plan. You do not have to be present. If your child isn’t old enough to make the call, you can start the call and leave them to it.
Learn, teach and model social/emotional intelligence
If your parent was a narcissist, you may struggle with your emotions. Take the time to really FEEL your emotions. Don’t be afraid of them. Notice where they are in your body and understand that all emotions have a purpose.
Give lots of praise and examples of the behaviours you want to see in your child. I recommend family meetings and rules to help them develop problem solving skills. Encourage them to label their own emotions through what they feel and sense in their own body. Narcissists project which can make emotions confusing for children. Also make sure you let them know how you are feeling so that they can see what a healthy expression of emotions looks like.
Nurture your child’s unique qualities and independence Narcissists are self centred and they see their children as extensions of themselves. This can present as both egotistical admiration and self hatred depending on their mood. Help your child to see themselves as an individual by encouraging them to know their own likes, dislikes, wants and needs. Narcissistic families are often enmeshed so nurturing their independence is so important in helping them to differentiate themselves from their parent. It will protect them from being used and abused in the future.
Helping other to understand
If your friends and family (or even professionals) are struggling to understand the dynamics of your family, here are some examples of narcissistic parents from films:
Mother from Tangled
Stepmother from Ever After A Cinderella Story
Mommy dearest
Holy hell – family dynamics
Shameless – father
Rachel Getting Married
Marvellous Mrs Maisel
Ordinary people
If you recognise your own childhood in this post and are struggling to make sense of it or are unsure how to recover, our adult narcissist specialist therapist Rachel can help you unpick your emotions and create a healthier narrative for your life moving forward. Book a free consultation to see how she can support you moving forward.
Most narcissists appear to follow some kind of scriptbook as their behaviours follow a similar pattern.
It starts with lovebombing
When you meet they make you feel like you are the most important person in the universe. You become addicted to this highs of being adored and cared for. They are perfect. Or so they seem….
Then comes the devaluing stage
It begins to feel like all the things they used to love about you suddenly annoys them. You jump through all their hoops but it never feels enough. You worry they are losing interest but when you ask them about it they accuse you of being needy or clingy.
Finally it’s the discard
Love turns to hate and you are the worst person on the planet. Or so it feels. You beg and plead to talk and try to work things out but they are emotionally cut off.
It feels like hell! Worse than anything you have ever felt before and you convince yourself it is because they were the love of your life. You can’t stop thinking about them and want them back so badly. But they ignore or mock you.
Until…..
One day, just as you begin to feel better, they reach out. They want to talk or they miss you. It’s the hoovering stage!
If you go back it doesn’t take long before you are devalued again and you can’t understand why they bothered getting in touch. It’s was all about control, knowing they could get you back. If you stay they make your life miserable but having felt how awful it was last time you are reluctant to go through it again. If you leave, you will face smear campaigns and flying monkey’s, false allegations, blame and retaliation.
It leaves you confused, angry, distraught and empty. Nothing will ever be the same again. But it can get better. You can recover and even go on to thrive. Trust us, we have been there!
If you are recovering from narcissistic abuse and would like some one:one support, book in for a consultation with our narcissistic abuse recovery specialist Janine to see how she can support you with your recovery
Thing about narcissistic abuse is it you don’t see it coming
They can be absolutely lovely. Sweep you off your feet. Be everything you want them to be.
The abuse is so diluted at first that you don’t notice it.
Maybe your loved ones do But if they say anything.
Then you push them away. Because you think they’re being unfair.
When the truth is they can see the change. They can see those subtle differences in you and also in the relationship.
They might start to separate you from the people you love. And if it’s brought up by the people that you love again, you defend your partner.
Because you can’t see it.
And often their own families are abusive and they too lure you in with promises and do nice things, sometimes over-the-top nice things so that you almost feel on a subconscious level that you owe them in some way.
And then it’s used against you. So if ever you were to question that person your partner would say, how can you say that after everything they’ve done for us. They also forget what your family have done for them quite easily. Your family may have made the exact same gesture, but it’s not even mentioned or even belittled.
Their family are put on a pedestal and become everything. Everything you do starts to revolve around their friends and their family.
While your own friends and family get gradually shut out. It’s so small that you don’t notice it but it starts with spending less time with them. Prioritizing their family and spending less and less time with your family or friends.
Rushing to get away from your family.
Making excuses why you can’t see your family. Lying to your family
They will ask you to lie to your own family and friends and you’ll do it because they’ll justify it.
But deep down there’s a part of you that doesn’t like doing it and that shame pushes you away from your family. Because your family know that they’re being lied to and you don’t want to have that conversation with them because you know that it means lying more and so you stay away. And end up spending more and more time with their family and friends until all you know, is that their world and then it’s easy to distort your reality. Easy for them to control you, easy for them to say what is happening and what isn’t happening.
Before you know it you don’t know who you are anymore. You don’t have your own support. You’re on your own and so you stay because you’ve got no one. You worried that your family don’t want to speak to you anymore that you’ve rejected them and there’s no going back. I want to say to you that your family will always be there for you , to go back to them if you need to. They will always forgive you. They know and they see what is happening. And they love you. And they will support you. So don’t ever be afraid to go back to them.
Your friends are the same. They probably have seen the change in you. But haven’t been able to say anything or if they have said anything you have fallen out with them. They’ll take you back. They’ll still be your friend. If you go to them and tell them the difficult situation you’re in they’ll support you. You are not alone. Don’t ever feel that you are alone because it gives the narcissist more power. You being isolated is everything that they need to control your whole life.
What is a narcissist?
Cluster B personality disorder
1 in 100 people have the traits
Only 1% of population diagnosed
1 narcissist affects 60 people
The DSM V uses the following criteria to diagnose NPD (patient must have 5 or more):
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Narcissistic Abuse Tactics
They Create Anxiety in Their Victims: A Narcissists moods can be very volatile. They can rage at the slightest provocation and take out their wrath on their nearest and dearest. As a result a codependent, who is already accustomed to ignoring their feelings, learns to tip toe around the precarious moods of their partner. They walk around on egg shells, never knowing when the next proverbial shoe will drop. If this anxiety continues for a prolonged period of time and goes untreated physical ailments have been know to occur.
They Wear Down Your Self-Esteem: Either overtly or covertly they take aim at those parts of you that you are most ashamed of. They criticize everything you do, how you look, how you behave, even your very existence. The assault can be so pervasive that you become like a shell of a human being, believing that you can’t do anything right and little by little the Narcissist takes over every aspect of your life. You get to a point where you leave everything to them, believing that they know better. You lose yourself in the relationship and let go of your autonomy.
They Condition Their Partners to Behave Using Negative Reinforcement: When a Narcissist’s partner stands up for themselves, acts independently or in a manner they disapprove of, a Narcissist will use negative reinforcement to keep them in line. It’s a form of operant conditioning coined and identified by F.B Skinner. It’s the removal of a stimulus the subject wants or requires. Like taking a cell phone away from a misbehaving teenager, a Narcissist will remove themselves by disappearing or giving you the silent treatment. We learn through both positive and negative reinforcement. Conditioning is just another tool a Narcissist uses to subjugate their victims.
Gas Lighting: Gas lighting is the most recent buzz word surrounding Narcissists. It’s a manipulation tactic used by Narcissist to get their victims to question their memory, perception and sanity. They plant seeds of doubt and confusion to further weaken your grasp on reality.
They Display a Complete Lack of Empathy: They fail to celebrate or acknowledge anything that is important to, or about their partners. They don’t buy gifts, or recognize their partner’s achievements. They may pick fights right before a birthday, or the holidays to give themselves justification for their behavior. They don’t want their partners to get too confident. A confident partner is a partner who might decide they’ve had enough of their abuse and leave. A Narcissist fears abandonment and will guard against that at all costs. Making their partners feel small and insignificant is a great way to do that.
They Isolate You From Everyone You Love and Trust: There is always a big fuss anytime you want to spend time with people you care about. They berate and rant about how awful your friends or family are and anytime you talk about them or want to see them a confrontation ensues. They do this because they have spent so much effort into making you doubt your reality and they don’t want that messed up by people that have the ability to make you see the truth. The problem is that you have likely already bought into the Narcissist’s game plan. Your friends and family will tell you to get the hell out of there, like any sane person would, but they don’t understand the dynamic you’re stuck in. When you continue to stay, after revealing horrific details of the abuse, they get frustrated with your behavior to the point where you don’t want to tell them anything anymore, because you can’t deal with their criticism and disappointment, you stop talking and continue to hide your feelings.
They Play Mind Games: A Narcissist is always playing a game of one-upmanship. If you think you’ve caught them in something they will lie and make up a story. If you accuse them of bad behavior they will profect that behavior back on you and accuse you of the same thing. They are always trying to outsmart their partners and stay one step ahead of them, everything is a game and keeping you in the dark in regards to their behavior, true feelings and motivations feeds their ego. It makes them feel superior and reinforces their belief that you are lacking intelligence and are in fact inferior.
They are Vengeful: Fear of punishment and retribution are powerful motivators. If you know that you will be yelled at, physically harmed, humiliated, insulted, have your children harmed, your property destroyed or have anything that holds meaning to you taken away, you can be trained to be obedient. In Narcissistic/Codependent relationships there is always a power differential and they use that power as a means of control. They will teach you that everything is their way or the highway and when you do not comply you will be punished, in one way or another, until you comprehend that everything is always all about them. This constant erosion of boundaries, expectations, and the irrelevance they put on your needs and want is another hit to an already fragile sense of self.
Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
Regular bouts of illness
Anxiety
Depression
Withdrawn
Lack of identity
Low self esteem
Socially isolated
PTSD
Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse
It takes time and support. You will feel like you are going backwards sometimes but every step is a step away from the abuse. Through our work we have identified 9 stages of recovery you will go through:
If you are struggling with recovering from narcissitic abuse, either from a narcissistic parent or narcissistic ex and would benefit from one:one support, book in for a free consultation with Rachel (adult children of narcissists expert) or Janine (narcissistic abuse recovery expert).
One of the most difficult things to recover from after narcissistic abuse is the trauma bond. Mainly because it doesn’t make any sense. Your brain cannot comprehend why on earth you would want to have anything to do with them, miss them or even still love them.
The truth is that narcissists are like a drug and so getting over them is like recovering from an addiction and anyone who knows anything about addiction will know that that is no easy gig. Our body craves the drug (in this case it is the chemicals adrenaline, cortisol and some dopamine) and withdrawal is painful. So painful in fact that we think the only answer to recovering is to take the drug (get in touch, go back, sacrifice ourselves).
It is therefore important that you have a plan to cope with the withdrawal phase.
Get specialist support. There is a reason that addicts do better in rehab. They are surrounded by people who understand the addiction and the cycle.
Make a commitment to live in the here and now. They were future faking at times so try not to get caught up in the fantasy they created. Make a list of the reasons you are better off out of the relationship.
Try to meditate to slow down your nervous system which will give you some relief from the constant flow of thoughts going through your head. They are leading you down a dark path. Meditation helps to slow that down and also can help you to sleep better.
You don’t need to have all the answers right now. Be kind to yourself. Make one decision at a time. Praise yourself for the good ones and look at what you would do differently if you aren’t happy with the decision you made.
Be selfish! This is your time to heal, don’t let anyone interupt that with their own demands. Make a mental note of who isn’t supporting your self care time.
Accept that you probably will relapse at some point. Be kind to yourself. You are in recovery and it isn’t linear.
Find things you love doing. Taking a bath, going to bed early. Anything that you couldn’t/wouldn’t do in the relationship, take real pleasure in having the freedom to do it now.
Make friends with your emotions. They are your guidance system. Be aware of any urges to reach out to someone else when negative emotions strike. A huge part of recovery from codependency is being able to take care of yourself and that includes self soothing when we are in emotional pain.
Don’t fight the grieving process. It might feel strange because you know this person wasn’t good for you but it is a loss, even if it is a beneficial one. Don’t deprive yourself the chance to grief but have support in place for those tough moments when you think it is the narcissist you are missing.
Decide on some boundaries for yourself and others. Use this experience as an extreme learning experience and take what you have learnt to rebuild your life. Boundaries are supposed to keep us safe, not imprisoned though so remember that one day you will want to connect with others. Don’t put barbed wire on your walls!
Start to think about YOUR future. What would you like to do? What would bring you the most happiness? This can be especially tough for codependents who have spent most of their lives thinking about what others want so start in the moment. Are you warm enough? Do you want to carry on doing what you are doing or do something else? One step at a time remember.
Find people who support you rather than lead you back into temptation. This could be a new relationship, friends or family who have similar toxic traits. Now is a great opportunity to break that pattern.
If you are struggling with releasing the trauma bond and feel you would benefit from specialist support, book a consultation with our narcissistic abuse recovery expert Janine
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There were three things that happened that made me finally sum up the courage to be able to walk out of my own home on the day I left my narcissist partner. It’s not that I hadn’t felt those emotions before, it is just that they were so much stronger than before.
First, I had woken up twice that week realising that it had been a quiet couple of days and all seemed too quiet. Not only was I worrying about what might happen next and trying to think of how to avoid it, but I found myself missing the ‘adrenaline’ of conflict. That was horrifying.
Then it was a conversation – snatched when I took our dog out for a quick walk – with my daughter who said: “I know you had told us that xxx is struggling with their mental health and that all will be ok in the end, and we try to understand. But I really miss you so much. I’m frightened for you.”
And then when I found myself sitting on the grass in the middle of a field crying my eyes out, not knowing how I got there, not knowing who I was and ashamed of the ‘thing’ that was sitting there sobbing. Then I knew that, after all the years of lying awake at night wondering what to do, how to change this situation, what the risks were of being ‘tough’ and saying ‘get out’ or of me leaving the ‘home for life’ that I had bought before this relationship, there was nothing that could be as bad as staying in this incredibly toxic, destructive and body, mind and soul-destroying marriage with a narcissist.
Devastation
So I rang my dearest friends (again) who said “Come now, just drive here or we will pick you up. Don’t go back to the house.” Quite rightly they insisted we told the police I had left and why, detailing some of the recent emotional and financial abuse that I had been suffering to ensure they had a record; but also because we were in lockdown. Yes, lockdown may have made things worse but it was not the cause of the final decision I made.
I lived with my friends for three months and I was like a zombie, totally overwrought, exhausted, emotional and frightened. Frightened of myself as well as what the person I’d left might do and what might happen. My grown-up children were amazing – tried so hard to be non-judgemental and not to show how much they had hated what they saw going on, but quite clear that it was right to leave.
I had to stop working as we had worked together; everyone was shocked – but it was clear they saw more than I appreciated. I fretted about ‘losing’ my step children, which I realised was inevitable but I felt I could not explain to them fully without hurting them too much and could not put them in that impossible position torn between us; their parent would expect their loyalty. As adults, my view is that they need to work it out for themselves and one day, I very much hope, to understand and re-establish contact with me. I’ve tried to show them I still love them just the same.
Hoovering
Classic behaviour by my ex followed my departure: desperate pleas to get me to go back, promises of change and counselling being received so they finally understood what they’d been doing wrong; appealing to my friends and family; saying how hard it would be for me to be alone, offering everything they could but also subtly (and sometimes not-so-subtly) pressurising. I had friends listen in. I recorded conversations. I got a solicitor. I spent hours – days (and nights sometimes) – writing stuff down, looking at figures, considering options, constantly trying to predict what they would do, wondering what my future would look like.
By this stage though, I was not going to be persuaded to go back. I knew the truth. I knew they could never change, whatever they promised. I knew the patterns of behaviour. I had learned so much more about narcissism by then that I realised that their excuse of being ‘mentally ill’ (PTSD, Attachment Disorder diagnoses) was not the primary reason they behaved as they did. They had always wanted to control, wanted the fights, wanted the power; they even admitted to being addicted to the adrenaline of volatile relationships.
I accept that their behaviour was made worse by their troubled upbringing, but fundamentally the traits were always there. That was clear from very early on in our relationship, looking back and also remembering what others said in their family. Yes, there was apparently awful abuse in their younger years, but I should have seen the signs when they spoke about how they turned that around and ‘used’ the perpetrators by learning how to control them. Or how they enjoyed certain aspects of relationships – past and present – in an abnormally intense way.
How did it take me so long to leave? How did I reach that breaking point? And how might someone reading this realise earlier and be brave enough to make what has to be the hardest decision for the partner of a narcissist, realising the likely consequences?
Discovery
The lessons it took me years to learn were many. I could never prove to them that my love was secure and sufficient so that they did not need to control me in order to feel safe; and I could never succeed in ‘changing them’ or helping them to find ways to change. I’d tried, believe me I’d tried – to get them to see that life could be good together and that trust – the one thing they claimed they sought from/with me, was something they had from me already – until they started to destroy me and everything around me.
I knew they had to want to change. But all I heard them saying was that they did not want to – would not; it was me who had to change to understand them and show them that they were the most important thing in my life.
Over that last year or so, ever since once of the biggest emotional challenges in my life, the loss of a beloved close relative and the subsequent increasingly horrendous behaviour of my partner, the difference was that I was starting to say ‘no’. Or I would say that I understood if they felt a certain way, but that I did not agree; or I would not support a decision that they were making related to our joint business; or that one day I would be doing something that they tried to ‘ban’ – like attending my daughter’s wedding or ‘being a grandparent’ should the time come – whatever they said or did to frighten or stop me. I had started to ‘rebel’.
Once they recognised some clearer signs that I saw through their behaviour and I also stopped reacting to the threats of suicide or illness, and that I expected our relationship to change – however much help we both needed to achieve it and however many battles we had to get through – they started to see a bit of strength coming through in me.
The Smear Campaign
Then they flipped to destruction. Total personal, family and professional (work skills) destruction. Before then, it had mostly been about them, how much they were suffering and had suffered, how badly they struggled with their PTSD and other issues; I should understand why they were like this and fit around them. Then we would be happy.
The existing behaviours grew stronger, but with the added impact of far more personal, emotional abuse. Constant undermining, criticism, belittling of me and my (dead) parents, my adult children and my friends. Constant pressure to do or not do things related to our finances. Constant ways of manipulating me into situations that made me feel bad, wrong or a failure.
Even more than before, they stopped me seeing my friends, my family, doing the things I loved, often blaming their ‘trauma’ and because I needed to understand that if I truly loved them, I did not need my past, or my friends, or even my family, as they should be enough. I should let go of the past. And the physical symptoms of their ‘illness’ came through increasingly – so I became a carer when all is said and done. Then they had me. The control was so powerful – I was drawn into that fear that they needed me as otherwise they were a danger to themselves, so I had to be there for them all the time. I was committed to caring for them because I had loved them. Once, long ago.
Now I was scared to leave them because of the likely consequences of constant threats of suicide and the impact on their young adult children who were always vulnerable in so many ways – even if neither they nor their parent realised it – as well as financial loss and risk to my very own home that they had gained rights to. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to do it.
Last Chance
Through it all, I put on that brave face to the outside world – most of the time. I kept working and delivering good results. I tried to support my children. I certainly supported theirs – I wanted to. I paid for lots of things. I looked after our home. I told those that knew more, that I still hoped that the counselling that my partner had started to get would help and we’d be ok. I think I knew I was pretending; I just didn’t know how to stop the snowball rolling.
Ultimately, I knew I was losing myself and feeling such shame in how weak I was to allow it, but also so frightened of the consequences of standing up for myself. They were shouting, hitting walls or throwing things more often. And I would dissolve into a crying, shaking mess of frustration and exhaustion from never, ever being able to get them to understand what they were doing to me, to our relationship, to our respective children from previous marriages, to our future. Even spelling out that I was not able to live like this and could take no more. All ignored.
They thought they had broken me sufficiently that I had no choice and nowhere to go.
So the circle was created and as a person who wants to give, to care and to help others, I was an easy target. If any of this rings true to you, please give yourself some compassion and understanding. Trying not to blame myself for the mess I got into – or for the consequences of leaving – is still the most difficult thing I am trying to come to terms with.
Eventually I felt strong enough to leave my friends’ home; I really believe it is important to have people around you at this time of crisis and they were incredible. I rented a flat nearby, as I had offered for my ex and their son to stay in the home that I bought outright but handed half over to them when we married. They had demanded I do so ‘to show my love and commitment’ so they ‘felt safe’. I got legal guidance and advice from people who understood narcissistic relationships. They all said ‘go the legal route’ as they understood I could not face being in a room with my ex, or even on the phone with them any more; and that the word or ‘commitment’ of a narcissist in such situations was unlikely to be trustworthy. our respective children from previous marriages
On the occasions I went to go to my home to collect belongings, I could just about cope with the verbal abuse and emotional blackmail while there, but as I walked away my thumping heart beat even faster, I became tearful, I started shaking. Even if I just heard the voice, or saw a photo.
My brain went into overdrive wondering what they would do next, what was going to happen to my house, whether they would try to take as much from me as they could. Ultimately, I knew they would: they wanted to punish me financially, take what was important to me and be as awkward as they could in the process. The desire to ‘punish’ is very real: I learned once again never to trust their word but always to expect them to keep that control somehow and continue to hurt where they could.
Sleepless night after sleepless night; BUT it got better.
Yes, over the months it got better, because the relief of being away from the destructive words, the constant battles and emotional exhaustion enabled me to start being me again. To be able to work out right from wrong, to try to accept options and likely outcomes. And I got help that I didn’t know was out there, nor did I know just how badly traumatised I was. It was one of the policemen who spent time with me right back on the day I left, who was so clear. He’d seen and heard enough to say I was a victim of domestic abuse and I had every right to resort to criminal law. That shook me. But it definitely helped me truly realise it wasn’t just me. I’d struggled for so long thinking I was the cause, and forgiving behaviours due to ‘illness’. Even though my friends told me otherwise. It was the police and the solicitor who could give that professional, independent view.
Support
The police helped me to set up some counselling through local resources which did help but I was incredibly fortunate when an acquaintance locally was brave enough to contact me – she had seen me out walking a couple of times in a terrible state – and said “I worked out what was going on and it happened to me. Talk to these people”. She put me in touch with The Nurturing Coach. The sessions I’ve had with Janine and guidance to understand both myself (vital) and the nature of the Narcissist, have been critical to my ongoing recovery. Sometimes it’s empowering just to ramble on about the past, the emotions, the frustrations, with someone who understands and is rational, unbiased and trained to assist but also gives ‘sane and sensible’ explanations and suggestions of things that help.
Even subconsciously, these techniques and ‘reminders’ help me every day. And always will.
But my ex had rights, whatever they had done to me and my experience with the law was that it is totally facts and figures-based and little credit is given to behaviours or to either party’s actual input to a relationship. Emotional abuse is still a highly complex and almost impossible thing to prove and likely to be too big a challenge for someone who has suffered it badly. So, you accept what is the law but try to get a solution as quickly as possible.
Once they know they are not going to get you back, all the promises, all the declarations are gone out of the window; they will want every pound of flesh they can get. They are clever. They will use every trick they have to control even the legal system as best they can or just be slow in responses; and to keep you wondering and waiting. They will say very little to others because of course they will only want people to know that ‘they have been badly treated and are only asking for what they are entitled to’. But I think that most people see through it in the end.
Get help. Tell people what is happening. Understand your options. Yes, get legal advice, but if possible, try to avoid getting into the full legal process and opt for mediation as it is SO much cheaper, less painful and less long drawn out. You can now find appropriate support/procedures to go through this route in a different way to ‘the norm’ to manage the challenges of dealing with the person you cannot bear to be near. If this really doesn’t work, then you can turn to the law. It is hard and expensive but does bring conclusion.
So: what are the magic words that help me through? Even now, over a year after leaving, every day I need to remind myself and try to overcome the negative and sad thoughts: integrity, trust, kindness, truth and love. I can hold up my head and say I have always tried to act with those words and beliefs in mind. But yes, I feel angry; yes, I often feel incredibly resentful that they can do this to someone, that they can destroy a person they claim to love and take so much from them in terms of not only money but self-belief.
Freedom
If I had understood just how appalling and severe narcissism can be, I would have said ‘no’ before I got ‘buried’ by my ex’s behaviours. But hindsight is certainly a wonderful thing. If you are a person who has similar traits to me, then I have learned to accept that this is not a bad thing. I am loving and trusting – but I was not prepared with the knowledge to recognise my own character strengths and weaknesses, nor to understand the extreme character traits that make up the severe narcissist. I’m not a ‘youngster’; I reckoned I was fairly ‘worldly wise’, reasonably intelligent and had a strength of character and strong beliefs. But I was taken in. Never underestimate a narcissist.
The strength to act can be found – at some point in the rollercoaster life of being with a narcissist – but sadly it may take personal crisis to find it. It is better to cope with whatever else comes along than live a lie, live a life that is controlled and downtrodden. But I accept that I had a part to play in that. If I had not been vulnerable to such a character due to both my circumstances at the time, but also my nature as a person, I would have finished this relationship before it grew into a marriage. I was ‘caught in the net’ and I realised too late how much I was being manipulated from day one.
So yes – read, listen, research – but also know who you are. It’s important to acknowledge what is right for you. Know the character traits of different personalities in our complex world of human natures; be prepared. But do, please, keep believing that a loving relationship can exist and that life does go on. I’ve had years of anguish and I’ve handed over a lot of money to someone who had already taken so much in one way or another, in order to get my home and independence back, but I am far stronger and I am now surrounded by the people I love, doing the things I want and am starting to live my life again.
Above all I believe that if I can find the courage, so can you. I know my story does not involve young children, and that factor makes a massive difference to choices and timing and how you can get out, but I hope my words can help you believe it is possible.
Now I have Family, Friends and FREEDOM – they can never take these away and so I won; I won the very things they never wanted me to have.
This post was written by one of our brave and cherished clients. She hopes it will help someone get through their experience of a narcissist partner.
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A distraught divorced mother reports that when her formerly loving daughter returns from contact with her father, the child treats her with disrespect and hostility.
A divorced father of a 12-year-old boy (who lives primarily with his mother) says that his son insists that he does not want any contact with his father: “If I have to see him even in a therapy session I will hurt myself!”
Parental alienation may seem obvious in these cases. Yet many experts will confirm that recognising potential alienation, correctly diagnosing it, and providing treatment for this phenomenon can prove challenging to the point that many if not most professionals get it wrong.
Recognised earlier but first given a name in the 1980s by child psychiatrist Dr. Richard A. Gardner, parental alienation occurs when an alienating parent turns a child against a targeted (alienated) parent via deprecating innuendos (often based on projection), name-calling (“he’s a nitwit”), exaggeratedly negative reports of minor mishaps, and false accusations.
Alienated children parrot the alienating parent’s excessively negative views of the targeted parent, expressing these as their own much as cult followers parrot the beliefs of a cult leader.
Gardner detailed 8 characteristics of an alienated child, plus criteria for distinguishing between mild, moderate, and severe presentations. The result is a child’s unwarranted hostility (mild alienation), resistance to parenting time (moderate alienation), and/or severance of contact (severe alienation) with the targeted parent. Amy Baker explains these three levels further as follows:
Mild Parental Alienation: Refers to cases in which the child objects to and criticizes the targeted parent, but yet enjoys the presence of the targeted parent once time passes or when the location is no longer in close proximity to the alienating parent.
Moderate Parental Alienation: Refers to cases in which all eight primary manifestations of PA are likely to be present and each is more advanced than in mild cases, but less pervasive than in severe cases. Children will usually go with the targeted parent after expressing and demonstrating significant reluctance. Also, moderately alienated children will express consistent negative feelings toward the targeted parent whether or not the alienating parent is present. Although these children may enjoy the time they spend with the targeted parent, they will not admit this in the presence of the alienating parent.
Severe Parental Alienation: Severe cases of alienation are differentiated from mild and moderate cases by the extent of the child’s rejection and degree of negativity in the attitudes and behavior toward the targeted parent. Severely alienated children have little if anything positive to say about the targeted parent and often rewrite the history of their relationship with the targeted parent. They seem content to avoid all contact with the targeted parent, may reject an entire branch of their extended family, and often threaten to defy court-ordered parenting plans that schedule them to be under the care of the targeted parent
Attachment Based Approach
Whilst I appreciate the work of Dr Baker and use her guidelines myself, in terms of the mechanisms of what is referred to as Parental Alienation, I prefer the work of Dr Craig Childress, an American Psychiatrist.
He uses an attachment based model to diagnose and treat the symptoms, which he has also redefined.
His approach fitted perfectly with my own experience and the second I started reading “Foundations” it explained everything we had experienced. I have since used his model to train my own team as well as other mental health professionals as it uses recognisable theories and established models.
Parental Alienation Schematic (Childress 2013)
The alienating parent’s disorganised preoccupied attachment coalesced during childhood into narcissistic and borderline personality disorder traits that are reactivated during the divorce. The alienating parent’s activated personality disorder dynamics then produce distorted relationship and communication processes with the child that induce the suppression of the child’s attachment bonding motivations toward the targeted parent.
The child’s symptomatic rejection-abandonment of the targeted parent serves to protectively displace the alienating parent’s own fears of inadequacy and abandonment onto the targeted parent.
The child’s symptomatic rejection-abandonment of the targeted parent automatically define the targeted parent as the fundamentally inadequate and entirely abandoned parent, as opposed to the definition of the alienating personality disordered parent created by the child’s symptomatic expressions of hyper-bonding as representing the ideal, perfect and never to be abandoned parent.
(Childress 2013)
The Nurturing Coach works with parents affected by alienation fitting this description. We understand the schematic and we also understand that parents with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder) are highly manipulative and convincing. They present with:
delusional false beliefs
absence of empathy
grandiose presentation
disregard of court orders
antisocial features including a pattern of violating the rights of others
borderline features of splitting into all-good and all-bad
borderline features of emotional instability and behavioural impulsivity
We also understand that children will present with:
severely disrupted attachment bonding or inauthentic attachment presentation involving the selective rejection-abandonment of the “normal-range” parent while remainder of attachment presentation is normal range
evidence of the splitting dynamic expressed through the child’s differential relationship with parents involving an excessive idealisation of the pathogenic parent and excessive rejection-abandonment of “normal-range” parent
evidence of shared delusional processes involving the child’s expression of false persecutory belief’s about the “normal-range” parent
evidence in the child’s symptom display of the transmission of personality disorder features from the pathogenic parent possibly including:narcissistic/antisocial absence of empathy
narcissistic sense of entitlement
narcissistic grandiosity expressed as the child’s expectation and assertion of an elevated status in the family authority hierarchy above the “normal-range” parent
borderline episodic emotional instability and volatility involving intense and inappropriate anger
antisocial conduct disorder features possibly involving runaway behaviour and defiance of court orders
The importance of having someone who understands
Parental alienation and personality disorders are a complex field and one in which many people, who mean well, can end up making things worse. Amy Baker says:
The field is counter-intuitive because the human brain is hard-wired to commit certain types of systematic cognitive errors that are particularly common in parental alienation cases
The first error professionals make is taking first impressions as being personality traits rather than situational responses to trauma (both of this situation and the abusive relationship). Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is common amongst targeted parents and the symptoms can present as very chaotic, aggressive, unstable and highly anxious or even paranoid. So many times I speak to parents who are in a state of heightened anxiety and I have to be honest with them about how they are coming across. Our programme Get Court Ready will help you to prepare yourself to overcome this initial hurdle and make a true and accurate first impression which will reduce the likelihood of bias at this stage.
The second mistake is that an enmeshed parent-child relationship can look, to someone who doesn’t understand the dynamics, like a very healthy parent-child bond. I have read many reports from Cafcass commenting on the “close bond” between parent and child when in fact it was indicative of a very harmful psychological condition where the personal boundaries of the child have been completely overridden by the parent to the point where they become co-narcissistic. This can be extremely hard for the targeted parent to explain to professionals without sounding like they are paranoid. Our Get Court Ready programme can help you to use the correct terminology and present it in the language the court is used to in order for it to be understood and acknowledged. As an ex child protection social worker I can help you navigate this.
The third main error is the explanation given by the alienating parent, that you were abusive and so the child is afraid of you, sounds so plausible that they believe it. And having witnessed alienating children’s behaviour first hand, I can testify that it looks very real too. That can be really hard for professionals, who have child protection as their sole responsibility, to overlook. However, the facts are that abused children do the opposite of what would be “expected”. They align with their abuser due to a biological need to attach themselves to their caregiver. To not form that attachment would be suicide to them. This is a biological mechanism which has existed since the dawn of humans. Small humans needed to attach to another human in order to survive. Despite all of our evolutionary breakthrough’s in other areas, this safety feature survived and so any situation where a child is rejecting a parent indicates a suppression of that attachment system and needs expert intervention to address. It is why I always recommend a psychological evaluation is carried out as soon as this symptom is identified in the child’s behaviour. If you are still in contact with your child I recommend our parenting book “Help! My child is being used as a weapon”.
I want you to see from reading this page that you are not alone, we do understand and we are here to help. If you would like to discuss anything you have read or book in for a free consultation, click the button below.
Support Services
Parental Alienation
Emotional Support
Parental Alienation is soul destroying, confusing and emotionally overwhelming. In order to stay strong for yourself and the children, you need to take care of your mental well-being. This is where our therapists can help:
Make sense of your experience
Process your emotions
Prepare for interactions with your children and/or ex
Legal advice can only get you so far with alienation cases, you need someone who understands the tactics alienators use so that you can avoid falling into their traps and curate your evidence to reveal the true abuser. Strategy calls will help you:
Communicate effectively without being labelled as controlling
Prepare you for hearings and meetings
Review your evidence or reports to build your case
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When the narcissist can no longer control you they will start to control others – both their view of you and the situation. They ensure all information coming out about you, them and the relationship is controlled. And when people begin to question the validity of their claims, they rage.
Narcissists have to control others. They have to control the information flow quite political in that sense that they have to ensure that all the information out there about them is what they agree to. And so they will control how others view them with the information that comes out. Any information from your household will be controlled by them. They will be the one telling people what it’s like, what your, like, what the kids are like. They will be the public face of the relationship and of the family. And this is all about that need to control. So why do they need to control? Because they can’t handle the truth. Essentially. The truth to them is their enemy, because the truth is painful for them. They, they hate themselves deep down. You wouldn’t know that to look at them because they act very self-important very grandiose.
But underneath all of that is a self hatred, which comes through from that childhood. But that self-hatred means that they can’t let anyone see the truth. They can’t let anyone get behind that. So they control. They control what you think. They control what you feel. They control what the kids think. Feel, behave. They, they are control Freaks essentially. And I don’t really like that term because it CA one, it really belittles well enough, there’s a mess. And honestly, people kind of use it as a badge of honor, like, Oh, we’ve got to have a bit of a control freak. If I actually, if you’ve been with someone who is enough to say, and really does and rage, when they lose control, then that’s not a helpful thing to say. It’s slightly going off point in that. But I had to forget that. Um, so they control everything.
And you know about your experience in that. Now I know in my situation, it was very much that this is the information that’s presented about the situation, this elements of the truth, but actually the context is completely scewed, but they are controlling that controlling what goes outside, paints everyone else in all these other lies, everyone else is the villain and then either the heroor the victim, and it’s through that control of information that goes out. Um, so what happens, what happens when they can’t do that anymore? What happens when the relationship comes to an end, when you start talking, you start telling people that actually I didn’t want it to be with them Actually it wasn’t a bed of roses. They really not the nice guy that you think they are. This is what the truth is. What happens then to the narcissist? Well, one we have narcissistic injury.
You’re damaging the ego and so they are going to be furious with you, that rage is going to be a enormous, that’s so angry because you’re damaging that already fragile ego. You will, you are daring to speak out against them and they have to control that. They have to try and get that control back. So what do they do? If they punish you, they will use your children. They will smear you. They will tell anyone with ears, how awful you are so that the information that you then try and get out there has already been black-listed. Essentially. It’s like in the press, say the one newspaper will say everything that X newspaper prints is a lie. The editor is this, that, and the other and you can’t trust a word that they say, so that paper, they X paper print the story. Everyone just thinks must be a lie.
It could be the complete truth, but people automatically think It’s a lie because of the other newspaper has told everyone that it is. So they control that process. They control that when you step out of that, they will try and regain control by controlling what everyone else thinks about you. And they will use anything they can around you to hurt you, to punish you for daring to do that and not like that’s narcissistic injury. It’s about the protection of that false self They want everyone to see them as someone with all these characteristics, but the reality is they’re actually very different. They’re like this. And you’re trying to tell everyone that like this. And so in that desperate attempt to protect this image, they will become even more. They will try to display more of these qualities so they will be love bombing everyone around them.
Triangulating people constantly, including their, own children. And at the same time, they will be belittling everything you say, they will be saying that you are a liar, that you are aggressive, that you are, this that and the other, and the more you try and tell people what they’re like, the more you kind of reinforce their view of them. And so again that is down to that control. They’ve always tried to control you. They tried to control everything that you think and feel about yourself. And now when you suddenly try and find your voice, they use themselves. They use everyone around them. They use all the tactics that they did at the start. And they use them on other people to make them believe that you’re that version, the version that they’ve shared with everyone, they lose it, they lose when they lose control.
That’s when things can get dangerous because they fly into rages. They will hurt people. They will do everything they can to cover up the truth. And I mean, everything they can. Some will run. If they’d have a lack of resources, if they don’t have money, if they don’t have powers, they don’t have influence. Then they’ll run and just start a new life somewhere else, which great, go. If they have any kind of power or influence, including the children, that they will stay and they will do whatever they can, they will make threats against you against people around you. They will hurt those that you care about all to regain that control over you and the situation and to protect anyone from seeing the truth. And so they might make threat that threatened that they will hurt someone if you do something. They believe that that threat is enough to stop the truth from coming out. They use it in court. They make false allegations. It’s all in the effort to stop the control of information, to control the information that goes out and they really can’t handle it when the truth does start to come out. And that’s why it’s so important that you have a team around you of people because they will lose it at you. They will come after you. They will be, they will make threats. They may become violent. And so it’s important that you have people around you who believe you and support you, and therefore can protect you in essence, because the more people that know the truth, the more people there are to threaten. The more people there are to threatened, the more other people start to see it and its that effects where it starts off small, but actually that ripple effect and more people knowing.
For support in dealing with a narcissistic ex, speak with one of our therapists about how we can help you to gain the strength to recover and thrive.
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Therapy may seem like a luxury when facing spiraling costs divorcing a narcissistic ex. You have legal fees to pay, you have to survive on one income now, your ex might be playing hardball with finances. Therapy might feel like a luxury you simply cannot afford. But what if I told you that therapy was a necessity which could actually save you money in the long run? Bear with me as I present my argument.
Divorce or separation isn’t a head only issue. It involves your heart and your emotions. In fact in these situations, your emotions are likely to be the ones pulling the strings and if you don’t have a strategy for regaining control or at least managing them, you are going to be dancing to someone else’s tune. So let’s take a look at how your emotions can cost you money.
Stress
According to the Life Change Index Scale (aka The Stress Test) divorce is second only to the death of a spouse in terms of stressful life events. I would add separation to that as in our modern world cohabitation and child-rearing together are akin to marriage and therefore separation is akin to divorce. Divorce is the second most stressful thing you will EVER go through. That is huge and should not be underestimated.
Stress is a powerful force within our bodies. It wreaks havoc in our brains, nervous system, digestion, cardiovascular/pulmonary/reproductive systems – you name it, stress damages it. This impacts your immune system and can lead to serious illness and even death. In studies by John Hopkins Medicine, stress can increase the likelihood of strokes and heart attacks by 20%.
So what does this mean for your wallet?
The most obvious is that illness can lead to time off work which can severely impact your earnings so reducing stress levels is essential for maintaining your current income levels.
From a divorce perspective, if you are involving representation, you are going to have increased stress levels simply by being part of the process. Sharing the details of your failing marriage to a virtual stranger is stressful. No denying it. It affects your ability to communicate, think logically and regulate your emotions. All skills which you need in order to clearly and credibly evidence your case.
How therapy can help?
Stress was a big one for me. My body held it and I became chronically ill as a result, meaning I couldn’t work anymore and my relationship suffered as well. I wasn’t sleeping and my emotions were always just under the surface waiting to bubble out. I am a crier, even when I am mad, it comes out as tears, and this became a lot for my partner to deal with. He felt responsible and couldn’t fix it. I became withdrawn because I didn’t want to make him feel guilty. The gap between us grew and grew. Being able to talk about a professional who wasn’t involved in our situation, who didn’t have any personal invested interest in my thoughts or feelings, was such a relief. It gave me space to unpack the billions of thoughts racing round my head and express my emotions in a safe space. This release helped both my physical and emotional health.
Therapy isn’t about fixing the problem, it is about talking it through with an engaged, non-judgemental and compassionate audience. Stress can’t survive in those environments.
One of our clients said:
“Before our sessions, I felt stressed all the time. I couldn’t think straight and was dreading the next court hearing. After just the first session though I felt so much calmer. I was able to communicate my concerns and not be triggered by my ex”.
Having that support saved our client from the errors caused by stress which could have cost him an entire hearing. Being able to communicate effectively meant that he appeared more credible and didn’t fall into any “traps” set by his ex and their representation, who were relying upon his emotional reactivity to “prove” their narrative. Saving him not only more anguish and stress but also hundreds if not thousands of pounds needed to halt the momentum and correct the course of the process.
Unsure if you are stressed?
Ask yourself these questions:
In the past month how often have you
Been upset about something that happened unexpectedly
Felt you were unable to control important things in your life
Felt nervous and “stressed”
Felt confident about your ability to cope with personal problems
Felt things were going your way
Felt you could not cope with all the things you had to do
Been able to control irritations in your life
Felt you were on top of things
Been angered by things which were outside your control
Felt difficulties were piling up so high you could not overcome them
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Reflect upon your answers. How do you think these feelings are impacting you in the process? How might they be misinterpreted? What would that cost you?
For specialist support to help you manage your stress, speak to one of our therapists
When I talk about trauma, most people initially deny it because they have a view of trauma as being some huge, life changing, catastrophic event like a war or car crash. The truth is, toxic relationships and divorce can be traumatic. Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” Going to the solicitors can be traumatic! Court is definitely traumatic. Talking to an ex who you thought you were going to love and be with forever only to find out that it was all a lie is traumatic. Losing the love of your life is traumatic. The whole experience of divorce and needing a child arrangement order is traumatic and acknowledging that helps to get you the right support.
Trauma, like stress, is dangerous especially when left unresolved.
It is easy to see why these behaviours can be problematic in Family Court. Fear can make us lash out – mislabeled as abusive. Avoidance can make us look cold and uncaring – mislabeled as neglectful.
Trauma also impacts brain functioning. It impairs your cognitive and emotional processing centres in the brain leaving you in survival mode. Logic, decision making and rational thinking are paused. You are emotionally reactive making you vulnerable to manipulation.
One of the biggest issues my clients experience in Family Court is how their own presentation has impacted their case. They didn’t recognise the effect trauma was having on them and entered court assuming they would be protected. In the majority of cases though, the opposite happened. Leaving them frustrated and fearful. Which retriggered their trauma and added to the false narrative. For many clients, this ended up costing them thousands of pounds and only once they had learnt to manage their emotions and bring their brain back “online”, were they able to make any real progress.
The good news is that trauma is treatable. Even PTSD and complex PTSD (the consistent exposure to traumatic events over a significant period of time) can be treated in months rather than years. Having this support BEFORE you enter the process means you will be able to think clearly, express yourself calmly and confidently and therefore you and your evidence will be seen as credible.
It’s why we include the Neural-resilience Toolkit with our Get Court Ready course – to give you the tools you need to manage your symptoms before and during the process. Ensuring your own trauma doesn’t get used against you.
Transgenerational Trauma
One final “cost” that I would like to highlight is that by getting emotional support alongside your legal support, you are protecting your children from inheriting your trauma.
Parents we work with who are affected by PTSD identify many symptoms which impair their ability to parent as they would like to. One parent told us they felt:
“Anxiety, feeling at capacity so that small things feel like big deal, difficulty hearing/listening to kids and being able to comprehend, short attention span, not feeling good enough, really hard on myself, forgetful, brain gets stuck /frozen mid sentence, panic when accusations from nex, sensitive to noise when stressed, sometimes overreact to normal kid noises and behavior, worry that I’m causing damage to the kids.”
These symptoms impact the parent-child attachment and the security of the relationship, leaving you vulnerable to alienation and coercive control. Getting support and treatment could cost you so much more than money.
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Can you identify trauma in your own family of origin? What impact has that had on your life choices? What impact might it be having on your current situation?
For specialist support to help you recover from trauma and break generational cycles, speak to one of our therapists
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