narcissist

How to Handle a Narcissist: My Top 3 Tips For Keeping Your Cool

narcissist

 

Each one of us has had to deal with a narcissist at some point or another.  Whether it was an ex, a boss, or a family member, dealing with a narcissist can be challenging and exhausting as all hell!

I get asked a lot, “How do I deal with someone that has to win at all costs?” Well, this is the million-dollar question in high conflict divorce cases.

Narcissists have this remarkable ability to make you feel like you are the crazy one like you are wrong for thinking the way you think, and for feeling the way you feel. It’s as if they have this superpower, a gift that plants doubt inside you that makes you second guess your choices.

How do they do it?!

Let me first paint a picture of who you are dealing with here. These are some common characteristics that define a narcissist.:

  • Narcissists are ego-driven (meaning everything they do is to feed their ego)
  • The need to win is a top priority
  • They have to be right at all costs
  • They need to be superior
  • Their worth is tied to their achievements
  • They need to control others in order to support the outcome they desire. They need to be seen as “the good guy/girl”
  • They don’t think the rules apply to them
  • They think they know more about the law than their own lawyer

Do any of these ring true? If so, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

Here are my tips on how to handle a narcissist:

Don’t fight back!

You already know that you will never win, and you will never get them to empathize with your point of view.  So why do you keep fighting it? If they say the sky is red, then let it be red.  Narcissists thrive on anyone that supplies them with the drugs they need, and that drug is “being right.”  You will keep spinning in the hamster wheel of getting nowhere with someone that will never say to you, “You know what Amy, you are right, I didn’t see things your way.” And continuing to fight will only mirror more of what you don’t want, which is a narcissist in your face.

Let go of any expectations.

What do I mean by this? I realize some of you have no choice but to deal with a narcissist, so going radio silent on them may not be a viable option.  If you have no choice other than to deal with this person, then having expectations will be the death of your sanity. Hopes that they will do the right thing, that they care about your best interest (or the interest of anyone other than themselves for that matter), or that they can carry a conversation that doesn’t have their own selfish needs at the top of their mind–IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

Remember who you are and what you value.

It’s easy to get sucked into a vicious cycle of crazy when you are dealing with a narcissist. You feel like you are continually having to defend yourself and prove yourself to everyone.  You may continuously be defending who you are as a mother, as a partner, and as a daughter and friend.

Why are you defending yourself? Because a part of you may be feeling that they are right, or that you need to prove your self-worth.  You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.  You are worthy just as you are, and anyone that doesn’t see it, well, they don’t belong in your life.

You need to remember what it is you value.  Do you value peace and harmony? Do you value love and acceptance? Do you value REAL connection? If so, then put the gloves down, and understand that nobody can take your self-worth away.

If what you fight against you get more of, then getting in the rink with a narcissist will only get you more blows to the face. Narcissists need people to inflate their egos, so if you cut the supply, they will find another victim to feed on.  Take the path of least resistance, and surround yourself with people that love and support you, with people that know your worth.

If you find yourself in what feels like an impossible situation with a narcissist, please take advantage of a complimentary session with me.  I would love to see how I may help you navigate through this challenging situation.

Here is the link:  mailchi.mp/efa3cb1f474d/complimentary-session

The post How to Handle a Narcissist: My Top 3 Tips For Keeping Your Cool appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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When The Narcissist Turns Everything Against You – How To Make Them See The Light

 

Narcissists like to turn everything against you, such as people, situations, resources, property and even your children.  By why do they do this and why do you end up feeling powerless when this happens?

I know you want them to see the light and understand why their actions, words and behaviour is hurting you and you want them to ‘get it’.

How can you get a narcissist to see the light?

I am going to explain EXACTLY how you can in today’s Thriver TV episode!

 

 

Video Transcript

My heart goes out to you if you are experiencing a narcissist turning everything against you. I know it’s horrible, and I know that you can feel powerless when this happens.

I also know that you want the narcissist to get it, that their behaviour is atrocious, that what they are doing to you is not okay.

It is usual to want to make a narcissist see the light!

That’s exactly what we are going to talk about today, how you can make a narcissist see the light.

The light that is going to make your life awesome, free from the pain and able to generate what you want – true love, safety and honesty.

Before we get started, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission and helping spread the word that there is a way to heal for real from narcissistic abuse, by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love to remind you to please do so.

Okay, so let’s get started on today’s important episode.

 

Our Normal Tendency When Being Set Upon

When somebody is treating us with such cruelty and the projections of making everything out to be our fault, we get angry. We try to get them to treat us decently.

But, with narcissistic people, this 100% does not work.

If anything, it grants the narcissist more bullets to shoot us with. He or she will use our traumatised feelings against us and shift the blame even more heavily.

It feels devastating.

When we are traumatised, we just can’t seem to stop ourselves from trying to go in harder to get this person to “see the light” and stop doing what they’re doing. Despite it making matters even worse.

Why doesn’t it give us the results we want?

The real reason why it doesn’t work is because we are not using “our light” at this time.

We are being triggered heavily into our wounds. Wounds from our life preceding this current experience. The wounds of not feeling lovable, heard, respected and treated with care.

To a narcissist, this is A-grade narcissistic supply. Our intense emotional attention towards them makes him or her feel so significant. It additionally allows the narcissist to shift the blame and accuse us of being all sorts of things – such as unloving, untrustworthy, selfish and nasty.

Then we go all-in even harder, trying to justify how good a person we are. Often, we then hand over even more of our resources, good nature and energy trying to prove to the narcissist that we are a decent and trustworthy individual.

This empties us out even more.

I promise you this, as hard as it is to accept, the following understanding will change everything for you and start to liberate you …

It is not possible to take back your power, when you are triggered and stuck and traumatised in your wounds.

Let’s talk about the way to rise up and out of this.

 

Detachment in Order to Heal

A huge shift is necessary to get out of this terrible and traumatising pattern, of hooking into the narcissist trying to force him or her to see the light and only getting pulverised and ripped apart even more every time you try to do it.

There is only one way to get onto the path of feeling safe and whole again, and that is to stop touching the stove that is burning you.

Stop taking the poison that is making you so sick.

This requires letting go, detaching and pulling away regardless of what this person threatens, or does. Then you can turn inwards to self-partner and heal the parts of you that are being significantly targeted and triggered by the narcissist.

At first, of course, this is the last thing that we want to do.

We are addicted to trying to go back in harder, trying to force this person to stop doing what they’re doing. But this is a Wrong Town focus that just leads to more compounding traumatisation.

You have to let go and pull away. There is no other way.

 

The True Lesson in This

I really want you to understand that someone who has the capacity to treat you so cruelly is not someone who you can ever change to have a healthy relationship with. They simply do not have the capacity.

This person was never in your life to have a healthy relationship with. Rather, they ignited enough pain within so that you would pull away, detach and heal yourself up to your inner wholeness to never accept a lesser relationship than the love and wholeness that you have achieved within yourself.

After healing yourself back to wholeness, I promise you that you will have no feelings of loss, wanting to reconnect, needing closure from, or even wanting the narcissist to change and see the light.

Rather, you will have become the light to yourself that your Inner Being always wanted you to be.

There is so much for you to look forward to, I promise.

And I know you need to hear that, to give you the hope of being able to move out of the pain that you are feeling right now.

 

What Happens When the Narcissist Sees Your Light

People often say that narcissists will never stop harassing and abusing them.

I used to believe this myself and thought that he would never let up until I was completely destroyed.

Now I know how this is not true.

So many of us are now living completely narcissistic free lives, even those who are parallel parenting with narcissists.

What is the defining difference? How do you get not only free of the trauma symptoms of narcissistic abuse but completely free from the narcissist’s antics, punishments and malicious behaviour, regardless of what he or she has kept trying to do?

The answer is simple … I promise you.

The answer is to do the work on your Inner Being to detox yourself from every trauma, painful belief and previous experience that has to do with abuse.

When you achieve this, there is no more pain, blame, shame or regret or any negative feelings in regard to the narcissist at all. The obsessional thoughts completely stop and all the memories fade away as if it was somebody else this happened to.

That is what Thriving truly means!

When you become this light, the narcissist can no longer be in your experience, any more than an ice cube could be on a warm beach.

Remember the truth about the myth of vampires. They cannot bear the light. What this metaphor really means is, when they aren’t in the shadows working with people’s fear and pain, and are exposed under a big great spotlight of truth, they shriek and shrivel up.

I promise you that your greatest defence is always about healing yourself up to be who you really are. Without your internal trauma, you already are a whole individual who knows how to make your life work.

And this is exactly what you will start to experience.

I hope that this episode has really helped you realise the truth about how to make a narcissist see the light.

Your light.

The light of your True Self which means that you are no longer a target for a False Self ever again.

If you are starting to feel and understand this, I want you to repeat after me a statement that we say in every Quanta Freedom Healing Module in all of my healing programs … This …

“I am the light. The light I am. It just is.”

Now pause this video and let me know how this feels in your body, by writing your answer below.

I am very excited about showing you how to make this happen for real in your life. You can come with me to learn how, by clicking this link. 

And if you enjoyed this video, please make sure that you subscribe so you will be kept up-to-date with each new release I do, I do two every week, and please share this video with others who need to know this truth.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Why are my children rejecting me?

Why are my children rejecting me?

The 3 main reasons your children don’t want to see you

 

You were a loving parent.  Your kids came to you for comfort and you knew exactly how to make them better.  Your relationship with them was something you were so proud of.  

 

But now, they seem to have forgotten all of that.  They say they hate you and don’t want to see you. They blame you for everything and you don’t know why.

 

This is the reality of hundreds of thousands of parents across the UK and the world.  So how does it happen?

 

There’s three main ways:

 

  1. Estrangement
  2. Alienation
  3. A hybrid of the two

 

Alienation

 

This is when a child has been manipulated into rejecting you by a parent (could be step parent, grandparent or sibling).  

 

It is a process of behaviours designed to ensure you are seen as the bad parent and the alienating parent is all good. It is usually instigated by a Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disordered parent.  

 

How do they do it?

 

But eventually the long term plan is that the child rejects you, because they’re literally left with no choice by the controlling, alienating parent. And I’ve been through descriptions of that, I’m not going to go into any more great detail, but ultimately, the motivation of the alienating parent is to destroy your relationship, put you out of their life, prove that you are at fault. They’re the hero and they are protecting their child and most importantly, is that they get the child to do that rejecting themselves. They manipulate the child into believing that you’re this awful person, this abusive parent partner, everything perfect. And so the child will basically parrot a script given to them this narrative that’s created by usually a personality disordered parent in the milk. Most of these cases of alienation tend to have a personality disorder, usually with either borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. And the child will tell anyone that will listen that they hate you and that you’re mean and that they are afraid of you.  They put on this grand performance, but what’s going on behind the scenes is actually they’re not feeling that at all.  These are not their authentic feelings.

 

They’re being given no choice, they’ve been manipulated to believe this. They’ve been given this role to play under the guise of protection. The child knows that if they don’t do as they’re told, then they will lose that parent.  That if they won’t ignore you, they may lose their sibling, they may lose a dog. There’s lots of different ways that it can be done (see our free download for the exact process) but the result is the same.  In order for the child to survive and retain a relationship with the alienating parent, they must reject you.

 

Estrangement

 

Estrangement, however, is an authentic experience by the child. It’s where something’s happened (you may have had an affair and left or you may have lashed out at some point, you may have been baited to so in front of the child so you get angry, or perhaps you were stressed so drinking more), you may have done something that led a child under any normal circumstances to be upset or maybe not feel safe in your company at the moment. And so they don’t want to see you right now. And the difference with estrangement is that the child’s feelings are authentic.  It’s okay for them to feel like that and with the right support, and encouragement from the other parent, that relationship can get back on track. It’s an immediate response to feeling anger or feeling the fear or feeling unsafe. And it is easily remedied. It’s not long term.  There’s no there’s behind the scenes manipulation. Again, it’s just a genuine authentic response from the child to something has happened.  Usually an apology and explanation (age appropriate) and time is enough to restore the relationship providing your ex supports your relationship.

 

Hybrid

 

A hybrid can start off as estrangement and you may have done something (as described above) which provides the catalyst for the other parent to realise that life would be easier without you around.

 

Mistakes happen in relationships.  Sometimes you can lash out and make a mistake but from the child’s point of view, they saw a different side to you.  They saw something happen and they’re angry or upset. But without the support of the other parent, the relationship doesn’t get mended. In fact, what happens is the relationship is then turned into an alienation process. Because the alienating parent will use it as a trampoline to spring other ideas off of, to really ramp up. So they’ll take something that you’ve done and it will be continuously talked about. It’ll be exaggerated, it can be manipulated, it will be twisted. And so the child takes what was their authentic feeling (they were feeling angry, they were scared) and it becomes their entire memory of your relationship. And so that’s why it’s quite difficult in these cases, they have this real memory of something that’s happened, but it’s been so distorted that it’s become enough for them to reject you themselves. In these cases it is important the original fracture is acknowledged and then repaired whilst not allowing additional misdemeanours to be assigned to you. 

 

I understand that if you are not seeing your children, it feels like alienation.  There are lots of support groups which talk about alienation and so everyone assumes that theirs is alienation.  It’s easy to get angry when you start taking on board everyone else’s experiences and anger with the system. But the truth is that not all cases are pure alienation.  Some will be cases where a child has genuinely felt upset with a parent but due to the strained relationship with the ex and all the peer pressure in groups, the “targeted parent” may be lead to believe that it’s the exes fault and so start to blame them which the child doesn’t respond well it because that genuinely isn’t their truth.   And you can sometimes come on too strong, you can become pushy, and you can start saying, “well, this is your mum/dad’s fault, they are stopping you from seeing me” when actually, that wasn’t what was going on. But because you’ve said it, they then genuinely become fearful. They don’t want to see because you’re acting a bit crazy or saying things that they don’t like. And so you take it down that alienation path, and like I say, that might be really hard to acknowledge, and I’m not here to lay blame, what I mean to do is try and help you to see that sometimes our own behaviours can impact these situations. In fact, in all the cases our behaviours impact these situations because we change, we allow that frustration, we allow those natural feelings of sadness or guilt or remorse or frustration, anger to take over and to a child that can appear quite scary and they become afraid of you. And so what starts out as estrangement, could have been fixed if you had taken a moment to reflect on what had happened and listened to the children.

 

Sometimes our own behaviours become so fixated on it potentially being alienation that you become fixated on it when what you perhaps should be thinking is “how are the kids seeing this? What are the kids’ point of view of what’s going on? How am I helping them through this process?” 

 

I appreciate that this is probably quite difficult to hear, and it’s certainly not about blame, or that you’ve done anything wrong. It’s just about being aware of how our behaviours can impact our children.  Keeping your children at the centre and always considering how they might be feeling, what can you do to make them feel safe, secure while still fighting? Then keep that as your focal point and your relationship at its core will stay protected.

The post Why are my children rejecting me? appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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How To Process Fear, Shame & Anger After Narcissistic Abuse

 

The fear, shame and anger after narcissistic abuse can be incredibly intense. And, you may be suffering a host of other horrific emotions that are in obsessional repeat.

Feelings like heartbreak, regret, intense loss and total disbelief regarding what happened.

Sadly, many people after narcissistic abuse, never learn how to process these emotions effectively. Often, the best they can do is to barely manage these awful ongoing feelings.

This is only a recovery of survival; it certainly isn’t how you can Thrive after narcissistic abuse. We can get better and do better!

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I take you through the truth regarding how to process these emotions to gain freedom from them, so that you can access the life that myself and many other Thrivers are blessed to experience.

 

 

 

Video Transcript

Many people are shocked at the emotional effects that narcissistic abuse has had on them.

I know that you may be feeling the substantial trauma of incredible fear, shame and anger.

You may agonise over what is going to happen to you and your life now, and to those you love.

And, how on earth did you let this get so bad and allow all these things to happen to you?

And, how could this person be so cruel, malicious and conscienceless to do the things that they did?

Your emotional traumas may be so activated that it feels almost impossible to face normal tasks and get on with your life.

How do you process these intense emotions?

How can you let them go so that you can continue with life?

I’m going to explain exactly how that is possible in today’s TTV episode, in direct, powerful and fast ways.

Okay so let’s get started …

The first step is …

 

Know That Acceptance is Vital

In many ways, the first step is the hardest of all.

And I promise you that it is also the most vital because without this step you can’t reach the next ones.

Traditionally, there was a belief that there was a necessary process and long timeline for moving through grief and loss.

On the forefront of narcissistic abuse recovery, I promise you that this isn’t necessary. There are inner processes that surpass the need for these drawn-out stages … such as shock, denial, pain and guilt, anger, depression and so on and so forth.

These stages can be shifted out and moved through much more quickly. This is not about rushing them. This is about ensuring you don’t have to go through extended emotional agony that just isn’t necessary for true recovery.

The deeper Quantum Path and Spiritual Truth that starts with acceptance takes you from having a normal and often extreme suffering experience to a more extraordinary experience that teaches you that pain is inevitable, yet indefinite and ongoing suffering is no longer necessary.

The truth is by the time you need healing, you have already been through shock and denial and enormous amounts of pain, guilt, anger and depression and all the negative feelings that go with abuse.

There is an ability to wake up out of this and shift beyond this quite quickly.

I have found this capacity to be equally consistent for people just finding out they have been narcissistically abused, and those who have been suffering for decades. Time is not the criteria. What is the defining factor is the willingness to engage in acceptance.

 

What Is the Acceptance I’m Talking About?

It’s not everyday acceptance such as, “Oh gosh, this really did happen to me!” Rather it is a deep spiritual Quantum acceptance of, “Everything happens for a reason, and there is something for me to learn, heal and evolve here.”

And, “By doing so I can take my power back, release myself from this trauma, person and experience, and be able to enter more evolved experiences that are healthier and much more fulfilling for me.”

And, “This experience, as horrific as it has been, is helping me heal, awaken and enter a life that will truly gratify my heart and soul.”

In other words, it is the total understanding of, “I NEED to heal!”

I promise you, in the ten plus years that I’ve been helping others deeply heal and Thrive after narcissistic abuse, I have seen some dear souls get this immediately, and others that it takes longer to awaken to. Some never do at all.

Regardless, I bless everybody’s experience, because where you are at, is where you are at.

Personally, I nearly had to die to accept this. I was stubborn. I firmly believed that I was a victim, that he was a monster, and that there was absolutely no learning in this for me at all.

Thankfully, right at almost death’s knock, when there was virtually nothing left of me to live, I had the massive shift to want to partner my Soul and my Inner Being and heal the parts of me that I needed to.

That is when my true healing began. Without this shift, I would have died. I am certain of that.

Then I healed up those parts of myself which I used to self-abandon and cling to people and try to force them to love and accept me and grant me security. I finally learned how to be a healthy whole adult woman in her own body, capable of generating this for myself.

It took work, but it was so worth it.

I promise you that it will be the same for you.

 

Be Prepared to do the Inner Work

You may be starting to understand that inner work is vital to change your life.

We can’t change abusers. We can’t round them up and put them on an island in exile. We don’t even have structures and systems which can reliably hold these people accountable, let alone put them away.

But you can, in most circumstances, deeply and powerfully change yourself in order to have different experiences. As well as be an example to others to empower them to do the same.

It can be very hard for you to accept the following truth until you start living it – the only reliable way to get a narcissist firmly out of your life, it is to completely purge them out of your Inner Being first.

This may seem woo woo, like some spiritual New Age jargon.

Yet it is a highly quantifiable Quantum Truth, which you will understand when you start to live it as a life principle (not just regarding narcissists but for anything that is unwanted in your life).

The inner feeling and composition that you have precedes the outer events. When you have purged every vestige of the trauma, fear, pain and heartbreak of a narcissist out of your system, he or she becomes completely irrelevant.

Then this person emotionally and energetically has absolutely no emotional effect on you. That is when the spell is broken; they cannot extract narcissistic supply anymore, and everything they try to do starts to fall over and ultimately fails.

Without the ability to be able to get a feed anymore, the narcissist must depart from your life experience.

And they do.

This is totally in alignment with Quantum Law, so within, so without. When nothing of the narcissist remains inside of you, regardless of what he or she is up to, then the outer will shift to match it.

The same goes for every single thing in your life. When it’s gone on the inside emotionally, you will have the inspirations, power and confidence, as well as all of the support from legal and outside forces to assist in the elimination of this individual or thing.

In this Community, every week we receive beautiful glowing reports from people who are working with the NARP program being awarded wonderful property settlements and full custody rights of their children.

The consistent reports are not a coincidence. These people did the diligent inner work to clear out their fears and painful trauma-bonding to the narcissist. Then solution entered.

The inner work is so much more powerful than just trying to obtain knowledge. We must deeply change at the core of our Inner Being to be different and do differently. It’s almost impossible to try to think our way out of the terror, pain and horrific feelings that go with narcissistic abuse. It is so much easier to have a process to shift them out, and just go free from them.

Then you are no longer disempowered by them.

 

Being Triggered Happens – It’s How You Deal With it That Matters

We were all brought up to try to escape our painful feelings, instead of meeting them.

As a Thriver, I now know a different truth. I know that when I am triggered, it’s signalling me to a deep as yet unhealed part of myself and the situation or person bringing it to my attention is an A.I.D., an Angel In Disguise, posing as a difficult person or situation to help me find and reprogram this part of myself to evolve myself into a more actualised human being.

This has completely changed my life beyond description.

Yes, I still get triggered. I am totally human. I even share about these triggers on social media so that I can help inspire people to continually evolve rather than suffer in their triggers.

Before Thriving I used to self-avoid, self-abandon and self-medicate myself with distractions and addictions. Things such as workaholism, smoking, excessive social media use and socialising, drinking, hanging on to people who were hurting me, and trying to get them to take away my pain for me.

I used to do everything other than turn inwards to heal myself, and of course the false substitutes I used for comfort only granted fleeting relief and the pain kept coming back. Because I didn’t understand that the triggers were the signal to heal myself.

Now, I adore being triggered with any feelings of fear, shame, anger and pain that is the human experience.

Absolutely I feel it. I am a sensitive person, just as I know many of you are too!

Now I fully embrace courageously my opportunity for evolution. What else is there to do if I don’t want a crappy life stuck in repeat with the same pain?

I know that when this happens to me if I turn inwards with love to myself and do a Quantum Freedom Healing (NARP Module) then I will release the trauma and the accompanying painful and false belief systems, and immediately reprogram them with my Superconscious/Source Self.

Then automatically I’m changed. I am no longer the old program of the painful emotions. I have shifted into peace, wisdom and solution instead.

This means the panic, helplessness and hopelessness is gone and is replaced with a solid and sound understanding of what to do.

I promise you that you will have the same experience when you start living this life.

There is another incredible and beautiful benefit. As you evolve upwards you don’t have to keep repeating the same painful cycles. You reach into higher echelons of love and life, ones that you didn’t have access to before doing the inner work.

No longer will you keep saying, “Why is my life always like this?” Because you will be in the driver’s seat of changing it for real.

If you deeply understand this, please pause this video and let me know in your comments below by writing, “I get it!”

If you are ready to access this level of healing, by doing the necessary inner healing, then join me by clicking this link.

And, if you enjoyed this, I’d love you like and share it with other people who you know are also struggling with processing their emotional suffering.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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The Coronavirus Pandemic – My Thoughts and Support

The Coronavirus Pandemic – My Thoughts and Support

 

There is no more pressing issue today than the Coronavirus pandemic that is sweeping the planet. And all of us are heartbroken by the ravages it is inflicting on our societies.

Most of us in every country in the world are now confined to our homes, with our families; doing everything we can to stay healthy and sane and not crumble from fear.

But what about those people who are stuck indoors long term with a narcissist, with nowhere to go, wondering if they will survive this catastrophe.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I want to show you the common threads between narcissism and the Coronavirus outbreak and how to help yourself get through this crisis.

And, of course, offer you my loving support through this unifying human ordeal.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk to you about the coronavirus pandemic.

Never before, in our lifetimes, have we experienced such a crisis. Most of us never believed such a situation could ever happen.

Individuals, entire communities and systems are crumbling.

I know many of you have lost your job and are now faced with all sorts of hardships.

You may be stuck with narcissists right now, in quarantine, not knowing how you can survive this.

And, there are many of you who have your children being kept away from you by narcissists because of the Coronavirus situation.

What does all this mean?

What is it showing us?

How can we respond?

I really hope I can share with you how I feel about the Coronavirus pandemic in today’s Thriver TV episode.

 

The Correlation Between This Situation and Narcissistic Abuse

It’s incredible how many correlations there are between what is happening right now and experiencing narcissistic abuse.

I know that many of you are now going through both situations simultaneously.

All of it triggers fear.

Lots of fear.

Which brings up the feelings of being powerless, helpless and not having control in the situation. Here, just like with narcissistic abuse, you don’t have control. You have no idea of a timeline, outcome, where this will end up, and the state you will be in when it is finished.

Of course, this is terrifying.

 

The True Solution to Out of Control Situations

The most important thing, now and always, when you don’t have any control over the outside, is to take your power back on the inside.

In times of overwhelm, horror, and literal survival programs being triggered, when your life and hopes for the future are being threatened, it may feel impossible to become fearless. Especially when horrible things have happened or are happening or could happen.

Regardless, the most important work is to lose the fear.

Before narcissistic abuse and Thriver Recovery, I would have said to you that it is impossible to lose the fear unless something on the outside changes so that there is nothing to fear anymore.

Now I know that this is not the way that Quantum Creation works.

I have seen it, so many times in my life and in other people’s lives, that regardless of how shocking things are, when you turn inside to lose the fear and start to value the state of your emotional soul health over and above everything else, that the most incredible synchronicity, solutions and support can appear.

As a profound shift.

Even when logically, no support seems possible.

You see, your superconscious self, teamed up with every available permutation that exists in “life”, has “a way”.

God/Source/Life is unlimited. There are no limits regarding what this Force can create.

In times of great crisis, we are being pushed to become extraordinary.

What is occurring is incredibly crippling, causing devastation to so many individuals and groups of people, in ways that we could never imagine previously.

I know this is huge. I know this is one of the biggest calls ever to lose the trauma and the fear of what is happening right now. And I know that you may have already been smashed by this. And my heart goes out to you in spades.

However, I know that this is what we are being pushed to do right now. We are being called to create an extraordinary emotional, empowered uprising that could not only change your life forever as a result of what you’re going through but also significantly up-level our world.

Those of you who are now Thriving after being narcissistically abused have already made the Quantum Switch.

Meaning, emotionally from the inside out, you created your own personal breakthrough into your values, truths and the health of your soul regardless of the insane, seemingly unstoppable brutal treatment you received from the narcissist.

Against all logical and “reality” odds, you then experienced your passage from the bowels of hell into the glory of your True Self and True Life.

Even when you were diagnosed with health conditions such as C-PTSD and other diminished realities, such as other devastating health conditions, financial annihilation and accumulated losses on horrific levels, that you were told you would never recover from.

You didn’t just recover, you burst forth into a Self and Life that was more buoyant, confident, healthier and expanded than the life you were experiencing even before you went through narcissistic abuse.

Why?

Because, rather than try to deal with the narcissistic environment that was out-of-control and uncontrollable, or stay focused on the devastation that it brought you, you turned inside to release all of your trauma that was inside you to come home to a solidness, power and faith within yourself that was unshakeable, and literally unstoppable.

This was the dedication, to resurrect your inner world, even when your outer world lay in tatters at your feet.

As you stepped into your soul graduation of Who You Really Are, the narcissist lost all power over you, and a whole new world of possibility, synchronicity and miracle came into view.

Then you understood the truth, that within the experience that you know as your life every permutation is available, regardless of how circumstances seem. What presents in your experience, as your experience, is the match of the inner experience that you consciously cultivate.

When you lose your fear and become emotionally solid, even before anything shifted outside of you changes, even when there is no way … a way must appear.

It’s Quantum Law – so within, so without.

From every cell within my being, know that the same truth exists here within this pandemic, regardless of outer evidence.

This is the Thriver Way.

This is how we discover just how powerful we are.

The incredible irony is, in non-extraordinary times we are never pushed to find this gear. Often, we just cruise along because there are too many distractions keeping us away from shifting into our true power, and quite frankly there is no urgent necessity to.

The greatest evolution is usually brought on by the times when we are the most powerless, terrified and helpless. It’s by overcoming our inner deepest fears, that we mine our most spectacular gold.

Narcissists push us to do that.

So do global pandemics.

 

A Beautiful and Powerful Channelled Message

I want to share with you something that was sent to me just recently. Its origin is from Jeff Vander Clute who is CEO of “Sourcing the Way”. Jeff is a visionary and channel for World-Changing Times.

This is what Jeff shared:

“After listening to people talk about the Coronavirus for weeks, I had the inspiration to tune into this novel life form and ask it to tell me about itself. What came through was a list of its top-five gifts, followed by a message for humanity. I will admit to being somewhat surprised by the information. My hope is that these words will help people to trust that life is acting with benevolent wisdom.

The gifts of the virus:

1) Slowing down humanity’s frenetic activities
2) Activating networks of cooperation
3) Spreading helpful DNA
4) Upgrading humanity’s immune system
5) Creating the conditions for peace and well-being

Here is the message that the Coronavirus had to share:

My friends, it is true that I am here to bring closure to the inharmonious ways of being that are causing harm to humans and the whole web of life. All the same, I am not a vengeful being or anything that is intended to be destructive. I am simply the rebalancing agent in the overall equation of life’s evolutionary process. By fighting me with fear in your hearts, you oppose the larger natural systems and cause me to take other forms.

What I am, and my fundamental purpose, will not be deterred, for I am life itself acting through the available forms of distribution. The virus that you see me as is one of an endless series of permutations. This kind of process is one of the ways I innovate life forms and deliver new DNA sequences that will eventually be shown to be helpful. The back and forth between humanity’s collective immune system and the virus is raising consciousness as humans examine their interactions, and it is literally increasing the intelligence of the superorganism that is the species as a whole.

These tests are normal. I repeat: These tests are normal. For those who can hear this message and embrace me easily, you already know that fear is a much more lethal poison. For those who will not be comforted by these words, one day you will know that I come as an act of love. When you can open to the love that is at the very heart of this situation, the crisis that your media and governments decry will transform into a flower of life, spreading new consciousness and multiplying circles of cooperation. Pay attention to your thoughts and see if you can identify the benefits of redirecting humanity’s attention from incessant wars and violence to the common “enemy” that I am willing to be perceived as.

Love will go this far, and farther, to bring healing to the mind of a young species that is still in the process of remembering itself as a divine incarnation. Yes, you are a divine incarnation capable of fabricating realities based on goodness and beauty and compassionate understandings, actions, and beliefs. Believe me when I say that I, too, am here as an act of compassion. Accepting me in this way will lighten your heavy burden for the divine sends only love your way. Sometimes this love takes curious forms in order to circumvent your intricate defenses against waking up to your own glory. I can assure you that the most functional strategy will be to embrace me as a friend of the human family.”

I truly hope that Jeff’s message has been able to bring some love and relief to you.

 

We Are All in This Together

When being narcissistically abused you may have felt like you were going through this alone. That is why this community is so incredible because we have, or are, all going through this together.

And now, we really are all in this together.

As humanity itself.

And, as Jeff so beautifully channelled, rather than distrust and fight and war with each other, we now have the opportunity to come together.

We can anchor into love, kindness and the recognition of what is really important.

We have the ability to reach out and assist in this situation. We can offer a helping hand, an act of benevolence, the sharing of our resources and our loving support.

We can be kind. We can demonstrate Love itself.

And, we can sign up to our most important mission that we ever have as a human being in our time on this planet. Which is overcoming the fear and pain within the only person who we have the power to do that with, ourselves, to become and lead the way as a loving, empowered solution for ourselves and others.

When our personal life can no longer go on as normal, we can no longer avoid, ignore or make excuses for the parts of ourselves which are not working, that we didn’t want to confront. Or the patterns and people in our life who are not representative of our values and health, and any false trajectories that we are living that are not true for us.

These times signal a season of profound personal catharsis, as an incredible growth and evolutionary opportunity.

In this time of deep incubation and unavoidable triggered emotional trauma, our Inner Beings deeply need our attention to emotionally integrate and heal.

I know that these times are tough. Hard beyond measure, and terrifying in ways that we’ve never had to experience before.

Yet, I also know that in the greatest fear lies the brightest gold and that so many of us, myself and every other activated Thriver in this community, is deeply dedicated to going for gold.

There is nothing else to do if we want to save our own lives emotionally, and possibly literally, as well as enhance everyone we love and everything we touch.

Losing our fear and becoming peace and power is the only thing to do, to help birth, through us, a brand-new world.

I know that we have the power to do this, one person at a time.

If this deeply resonates with you, and you know you have to find another way to get through this, I want to help you achieve your powerful passage through this.

Please come into my free webinar.

In this webinar, I take you through how to recover from the fear and pain of narcissistic abuse, and I want you to understand that what I’m sharing is exactly relevant to overcoming the fear and powerlessness with the Coronavirus pandemic as well.

It’s exactly the same healing that’s required.

It’s all about purging the fear and taking back your power.

I really hope that this has helped, and my heart and love go out to you in spades.

And I can’t wait to connect with you with my love and support in your comments and questions below.

 

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How To Stop Trying To Please Everyone And Getting Walked All Over

How To Stop Trying To Please Everyone And Getting Walked All Over

 

There are many beautiful people in this community who give and give. Often, until it hurts.

They believed that this was the right way to treat people. Yet, other people (especially narcissists) took advantage of this to suck dry and abuse them, because they have so much to offer!

Find out how you can still be a giving, loving person and be loved, respected and supported by others yet retain yourself in this Thriver TV episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

The most beautiful people in the world consistently try to please others.

We believed that this was the way to go, “treat others how you would like to be treated”.

But why did this end up in so much disaster, especially with narcissists?

Why was our good nature thrown back in our faces, and treated with so much contempt and abuse?

Today, I want to go on a deep Quantum dive with this topic, peel it back and help you understand the truth about it.

Let’s get going on this!

 

If You Don’t Piss Off Others, You Will Piss Yourself Off

I shared a post on Instagram not long ago, about the story of a man, woman, child and donkey.

To simplify the story, the four of them were in a marketplace and no matter who changed places on the donkey, to try to keep people happy, they kept expressing their displeasure.

Comments such as, “Why is this man not letting his wife ride on the donkey?”, “Why is this woman not putting her small child on the donkey?” And, “What a selfish child to be riding the donkey while his parents have to walk!”

In the end they all got on the donkey, and then of course people started shrieking, “Animal abuse!”

The moral to this story is there is always going to be somebody who doesn’t agree with you. If you try to be everything to everyone, then you are going to be doing this at a cost to your own soul and truth.

This even goes for close intimates. No one knows the truth of your journey, life and soul any more than you do, when you are committed to being a Thriver and self-partnered.

An incredible phenomenon starts to happen when you are.

You will say to the people in your life, “You don’t need to agree with me and join me. Either we allow each other to be ourselves and accept that, or if we can’t, then we need to move on with our own lives because we just simply are not a match.”

This isn’t right or wrong, it just is. Life is not about getting it right for everybody, it’s about being true to yourself in order to generate a life that is truthful to everybody.

If you agree with other people just so that they will love and accept you, you are not being truthful. You are not giving them the essential feedback about who you are and what does or doesn’t make you happy.

Inevitably you are going to be miserable, and then not be a whole and happy person around them anyway!

There has been so much distortion and confusion regarding trying to keep others happy, thinking that it can make us happy. But, it never works like that!

 

The Deeper Quantum Truths

I hope now at this stage Dear Thrivers that you are starting to understand so many of my philosophies and healings are about so within, so without.

This means as the generative force of your own experience, your life is not up to other people or even circumstances outside of yourself.

It is about who you decide to be. What are your limits and truth? What is important to you? What is your soul calling you to do and experience?

There is only one you and your soul knows how to unfold exactly and accordingly with what is your True Self and True Life. Your soul and your emotions don’t get it wrong.

People and situations that are not your truth are never going to deliver your True Self and True Life. They will simply give you the pain, delays, blocks and frustrations that are telling you that you are not on track.

There is only one place that your life is being generated, and that is from the authenticity and truth within yourself. When you are true to you and your Inner Being, then you are true to life in the most honourable and the highest of ways.

What and who is your truth will gravitate towards you. You will stop being inauthentic to others by trying to be everything that they want you to be, for you to be happy, and discovering that never makes other people happy anyway! It’s a bottomless pit!

Rather, it just trains them to overlook, disrespect and take advantage of you.

I understand that this is confronting.

But, when we take the radical personal responsibility to understand that our life is not up to anybody else, it is up to our own alignment with our Inner Being, which means being truthful to our own desires and life.

By trying to keep everybody else happy, we are not even in the park, let alone near the goals.

 

People Don’t Treat Us As We Treat Them

Think about your life. The times when you gave and gave and gave were probably the times when you were disrespected and taken for granted the most.

Why is this?

If we want to remain victims, we would say it is because other people are terrible!

But there is a much deeper truth to this, and that is when we understand Quantum Law of so within, so without, we can accept and be empowered to realise that people are going to treat us in the identical ways that we treat ourselves.

If we are saying “yes” when we really want to say “no” and bending over backwards to assist others so that we might be able to get some scraps of their love and loyalty, we are not being truthful to ourselves.

And we are not coming from a place of fullness. Rather we are coming from a place of emptiness and inner lack.

Then these people are going to supply the evidence of what is already going on inside of us – more emptiness and lack.

Are you starting to understand?

It took me a while to understand this deeply.

I used to think that if I honoured myself, and I filled up first, before looking after others this was somehow selfish.

I had to do a lot of deep inner work on myself to get out of the guilt that if I did look after myself that I was somehow wrong, and that other people would not love me and approve of me.

Yet, when I cleared these awful traumas about guilt, responsibility and obligation I truly became free. I also discovered that love, respect and support flooded into my life genuinely. Completely matching the love, respect, and support I now had from myself.

I cannot recommend enough doing this essential inner work.

NARP Module 6 is powerful to heal these traumas and programming. I spent a lot of time hanging out in Module 6 work to get this right, and the results have been astounding,

As they will be for you!

If this deeply resonates with you, I cannot recommend enough that you check out the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) to release yourself from giving until it hurts.

If this feels right and exciting to you, I would love for you to click this link and sign up for NARP today.

It will change your life beyond recognition!

Thank you for watching this to the end, and please remember to like and share this video with other people you know it can help, and as always I am thrilled about being able to answer your comments and questions below.

 

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Can You Ever Trust Again After Being Abused?

Can You Ever Trust Again After Being Abused?

 

Many people in this community struggle to trust again after being smashed to pieces by an abuser.  This is completely and utterly understandable.

Yet, there is a way to turn all of this around.

There is a way to engage in interpersonal relationships, be confident, healthy and safe, and to be able to open up our hearts again.

If this is deeply what you DO desire and would love to know how to be safe to trust again, this Thriver TV episode is a must watch video for you.

 

 

 

Video Transcript

This is such a big question.

CAN you ever trust again after being abused?

I promise you with all my heart that you can.

And, even more than trust again after being abused, you can be more confident, powerful and capable of retaining your boundaries and creating trustworthy relationships than you ever were able to be, even before being abused.

Is this because you now know what to look out for and avoid?

Or is there a deeper and more powerful reason that you can be safe within interpersonal relationships?

Please watch on to find out!

Okay, so before we get started, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission and promoting the awareness that it is possible to heal for real after abuse, by subscribing to my channel. And if you enjoy this video please give it a thumbs up.

Alright, so let’s get started on today’s episode.

 

How Trust is Shattered After Abuse

Abusers capture your trust. They are highly skilled at winning your confidence and making you believe you will be safe regarding your business, money, health, heart and soul.

It tears apart the very fabric of our lives when we begin to understand that this person is not trustworthy at all. In fact, whatever deal they have garnered with us was completely and utterly for them, at our expense.

Of course, after somebody has so deeply penetrated and violated your inner sanctum, you feel like you may never trust again.

After being abused you may feel completely disillusioned with humankind.

I remember doubting that I could trust anyone at all in my life.

I even believed, “humans are not to be trusted”. I know it’s likely that you have felt or do feel the same.

We can be forgiven for thinking this because the history of abuse and atrocities on this planet have been horrific.

We may even suspect other people in our life as being abusive and not to be trusted.

These are all very normal feelings in the shellshocked aftermath of abuse.

At first, this is not a bad thing, because after narcissistic abuse our most powerful position in order to get well is to self-partner and start self-healing.

The most important person we need to regain trust and connection with is ourselves.

This is a time in your life to shut down and heal. It’s appropriate to not let people deeply in right now. Yes, trusted people can help support you, but they can’t take the pain away for you, or do the inner work for you.

This is your time to heal and deeply learn how to trust yourself.

Let’s explore this necessity at a deeper level … to help you really understand it.

 

Our Life is Not About Trusting Others, it’s About Trusting Ourselves

Initially, this was a very difficult concept for me to understand.

I wanted to trust others. I wanted other people to be strong, solid and reliable in my life so that I could durably feel safe.

But what I hadn’t yet understood was that until I could feel strong, solid and reliable in my life, I couldn’t have experiences with other people where I could take care of and generate my own safety.

I wanted other people to look after my boundaries for me. I didn’t want to have to speak up. I didn’t want to have to be the one who would make the decision as to “yes” or “no” regarding important life choices.

I didn’t want to take control of the health and safety of my life. As a result, I handed my power and control of my life over to other people, including those who reflected back to me the lack of care of my life, that unconsciously I wasn’t granting myself.

I didn’t realise this immediately, I promise you.

And, as you know, this ended up very badly for me.

Thank goodness, I did realise the truth, and rather than blaming other people for not being trustworthy, I became fully dedicated to the mission of healing myself up to become the person who I could totally trust and ensure that my own values, health and life was respected.

I knew it needed to be up to me now, and I knew that I had a lot of work to do on this.

I healed so many of the fears that I had always carried inside of myself. And I addressed these, in the privacy of my own home on my own couch with NARP. This didn’t have anything to do with anybody else, it was firmly between me and me.

Then a startling transformation took place within me.

I realised that it was nobody else’s responsibility to treat me kindly, honestly and safely.

I realised that it was my responsibility to take my time to conduct my own life solidly and healthily.

Meaning, getting to know people at a healthy rate, rather than being so hungry and reckless for connection. Defining and expressing my values and truths and disconnecting from people who didn’t have the same values or capacity to meet me at the levels that were true for me.

What I discovered, as a result of this personal evolution, was that people who disrespected my boundaries and values and treated my rights with abuse and contempt, never were people who have the resources to be healthy for me anyway.

They were simply behaving as themselves!

These realisations created a huge shift in me.

Because no longer did my life feel like, “who and what can I trust?” I had taken my power back, I knew that I could trust myself and create my own life healthily, regardless of what anybody else was being or doing.

 

Is There a Need to Look Out For Abusers?

Within this huge shift, after cleaning out my traumas and feeling peaceful, safe and healthy inside, I no longer had the feeling of having to look out for abusers.

I knew a deeper more empowering truth now.

It didn’t matter who and what other people were, it only mattered who I was being within my truth, boundaries and values.

True to Quantum Form – the feeling must proceed the actual change in events – and change they did.

Now that I no longer had the horrible fear inside of me continually asking, “who can I trust?” Healthy, real and trustworthy people started showing up in my life.

Not people who were love bombing, pushy, manipulative and engulfing. Rather, people who were settled, calm, diligent and reliable.

These were not people with dark agendas, and who were getting bent out of shape, triggering anxieties within me, over things that most humans wouldn’t even blink an eyelid at.

But you see, I had become very different. The OUTER was matching my newly established INNER.

The truth was I didn’t even have any fear or condition over ‘who’ people were anymore – because I knew I could and would deal with it.

No longer was I ever going to abandon my Inner Being and my gut feelings. I was now committed to showing up honestly, meaning backing myself and asking the difficult questions and asking for verification and doing the due diligence to never put my finances, heart, soul and literal life on the line again.

My motto was – be sensible with boundaries whilst being openhearted, proceed at a healthy pace if all good, and investigate honestly anything funky, and let go of people and situations which do not align with my Inner Being’s values and truths.

The Universe was extremely helpful in my newfound evolution. I was sent some dodgy people. I was delivered some incidences and situations where I could have easily been taken in again if I had abandoned myself.

I promise you there were still people who got through the cracks. But it only ever happened when I was too busy or too involved with other things to not do my due diligence properly.

Or when I dismissed my inner feelings and didn’t follow them up.

We always get the warnings!

 

The Confidence Trusting Yourself Grants You

I really want you to feel the incredible shift in your life that will occur when you deeply understand that no one else is responsible for your life apart from you.

This I want you to know with all my heart, there are beautiful and incredible people in the world.

This is not about having to have perfect people in your life for you to be safe. This is about you journeying with people who have the basic decent human values to be good people and then grow with you as a result of you being honest about your values, rights and truths.

When you are prepared to be this person who leads the way with honesty and respect for yourself, you give permission for others to do the same, and then you will start to have the most satisfying, gratifying and loving relationships of your life.

Then, you can start to open your heart and enjoy your interpersonal experiences. This is because you know if things were to change and one day someone did not share the same values as you, you are already self-partnered and whole enough to let go and move on, and keep creating your life with what and who does.

Only then are you truly free to live and love, without fear and pain.

I promise you, it is not until you stop fearing change or loss that you can be free to love, and this is only possible via the inner healing with yourself.

When you achieve this, you know that you have finally come home to the truth.

I hope that this is inspiring you to know that it is possible to have healthy and happy relationships after your trust has been shattered.

In fact, you will be able to reinstate your ability to love and connect with people in ways that you never thought possible – far more healthily than even before suffering abuse.

If you want this with all of your heart, and you are ready to come on this journey to get to where I am, as well as so many other Thrivers, then click this link.

I hope that this has really helped, and if you like this video please make sure to give it a like and share it with people who you know are struggling with trusting again.

And as always, I so look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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when leaving a narcissist

5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist & How You Can Avoid Them

when leaving a narcissist

 

Whatever mistakes, miscalculations, or bad decisions there are to be made in leaving a narcissist, I made them.

After sixteen years with a man whom I’d built a life with, had children with, and thought I knew, I made the naïve assumption that I could predict what ending our life together and getting divorced would look like. I counted on his promises of the past to stay true in the future.

Even during the last few years of the marriage when I had to deal more with the evil Mr. Hyde than the good Dr. Jekyll, even after uncovering his double life that revealed his predatory nature for girls less than half his age, I still relied on our shared history as a couple to see me through.

My greatest error arose from my inability to wrap my head around the fact that there are people in this world who lack any sense of empathy, decency, or integrity, and who will stand back with a smirk on their face, holding a bucket of water that they have no intention of using while watching those who love them the most burn in pain.

Believing this to be an exaggeration and that no one could possibly be guilty of purposely inflicting pain on their own loved ones is the first mistake I made. Then it was a downward spiral of my shattered expectations as I learned the hard way that, yes, there are people in this world who will not only smile as they watch you fall and suffer, but will spin the story to such a point that they’ll say you deserved it.

Those people are called narcissists.

And if you’re involved with one, wanting to leave or in the process of leaving one, here are the top five mistakes to avoid. Doing so certainly won’t erase the pain of separation or divorce but will definitely lessen it if your eyes are wide open since then you won’t risk the heartbreak from bombshells that every narcissist is capable of dropping.

5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist

Mistake #1: Believing a narcissist will be a good person and play fair

Every phone call, every email I got from my attorney left me in a state of shock and awe upon hearing what my ex was attempting to get away with or accusing me of. Since I believed what my ex told me prior to filing for divorce, such as that he would make sure our kids and I would be taken care of financially and I wouldn’t have to worry, each realization of what he was actually up to left me reeling as if I’d been sucker-punched that landed me on the floor, of which I couldn’t get up from during the entire divorce process.

How to avoid my mistake?

See them for who they really are and not who you always wanted them to be. Drop the illusions you still carry, such as that they’ll change or they’d never hurt you. No need to be cynical, but crucial to be prepared. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Mistake #2: Choosing any lawyer to represent you

Because of the fragile emotional state I was in at the time and my desperation to get the divorce over with, I did not vet my lawyer. I did not ask any questions and trusted that he would do a good job of representing me. I assumed (because he was a lawyer) that he would know the difference between fair and unfair, that he would hold my ex accountable in disclosing assets, and would advocate for me and my children to his best ability.

My lawyer always talked a big game when we were planning how to respond to my ex’s obvious skirting of the law and the abuse he still inflicted (such as cyberstalking me, stealing my identity, and hacking into my emails), then at the last minute would pull away from any previous plan and encourage me to settle.

His strategy-switching gave me whiplash. And it always coincided with running through another big retainer I’d paid, which disappeared quickly when I was being charged even if I only spoke to his legal secretary for two minutes on the phone (she called once to ask my address, which I gave and then we hung up, for which I was charged a quarter-hour of my attorney’s rate: $75).

How to avoid my mistake?

Interview attorneys. Ask them if they have experience in high-conflict divorces with abusive personalities. Ask them if they know how a narcissist operates. Go with your gut and don’t be pressured into hiring a lawyer you don’t feel completely safe with or whose methods you question. Remember, a lawyer has the ability to make or break you in a divorce. Make sure you choose wisely.

Mistake #3: Letting your emotions make decisions for you

It is a fact that women tend to look at divorce from an emotional perspective. And why wouldn’t we? When we’re heartbroken or disillusioned or escaping abuse, we can’t help but be emotional about our lives as we knew them ending, sometimes going down in a huge ball of flames. However, in general, men look at divorce from a business standpoint and remove emotion from the process (not all men, of course).

And men who are true narcissists take it even further – to them, it’s war. You’re the enemy. And therefore, you must be defeated. Because I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by my pain, and unable to truly begin any healing process while still in the midst of the divorce, I couldn’t make those important decisions for my future since I was unable to see even the day after the next through my tears. Meanwhile, a narcissist lacking any empathy or compassion, to begin with, will exploit the weakness of another and chalk it up to the necessities of war.

How to avoid my mistake?

Given the fact that most men, especially fathers, come out far better off financially after divorce than women, who tend to see their incomes drop by over a third, it’s imperative that those emotions are put aside for the time it takes to legally separate. Cry, cuss, and rage all you want (if only I had a dollar for every f-bomb I dropped during my divorce) but leave your heart out of it and use only your mind when figuring out those details that will determine how you’ll fare long after those divorce papers are signed.

Mistake #4: Giving in and saying Uncle when you’re too tired to go on

Narcissists are like wolves (no offense to actual wolves who act only out of instinct and not out of any innate desire to persecute those who do them wrong). Their success depends on their ability to exhaust you and wear you down to the point where you stop running, lose your strength, and eventually surrender.

Because I didn’t have a good lawyer to encourage me not to waive my rights or what I was entitled to, I quickly became so drained that I lost all my nerve and gusto to stand up for myself. I gave up and gave in, and because of that I’m still experiencing the effects financially all these years later.

How to avoid my mistake?

Understand that a narcissist is trying to wear you down on purpose so that you’ll give up and give in. Trust me when I say that once you’ve recovered and regained your strength later down the line, you’ll regret it if you do throw your hands up during the divorce and give up in any way whatsoever.

Mistake #5: Underestimating how low a narcissist will go.

Check. Double check. I underestimated my ex to such an extent that I paid for it severely not only with my financial well-being but my emotional health as well since every time I was knocked to the ground by the things he would say or do, eventually I just stayed there huddled up in a ball waiting for the next blow.

How to avoid my mistake?

Think of the lowest possible thing that someone could do to another. Got it in your head? Good, because a narcissist will go lower. So brace yourself and gird those loins for this moment to come.

I wish I could tell you that today I have zero regrets for the mistakes I made when I left (escaped is more like it) and filed for divorce from a narcissist. However, since I’m still paying for those mistakes today it’s hard to not beat myself up every so often.

But then I remind myself lovingly and patiently that I didn’t know. I barely knew anything about narcissists at the time let alone what divorcing one would be like. And I didn’t know how to choose a lawyer. Nor did I feel empowered to stand up for me after so many years of being emotionally beaten down. So when I start kicking my own ass about “what I should have done instead,” I remind myself how far I’ve come despite all the difficulty and trauma of my past.

As Michelangelo said at the ripe old age of 87, “I am still learning.”

And I hope by sharing my own lessons, you are still learning too.

The post 5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist & How You Can Avoid Them appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Boundaries Lacking? 3 Easy Ways To Set Powerful Boundaries

 

Boundaries are everything, yet they are tricky!

Many people don’t know how to define boundaries and set them up in a way that works.

This is especially true if you have been abused by narcissists because your values and rights were smashed to pieces whenever you tried to assert them!

However, I promise you that there is a way to rectify this, take your power back and learn how to set effective boundaries.

 

 

Video Transcript

Boundaries are everything.

I love helping you understand boundaries, because it will change your life forever.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I’m going to share with you three powerful ways to set boundaries and take your power back, no matter what anybody else is or isn’t doing.

Let’s move on to find out how!

Before we get going, I just want to say I am so excited because next week I am beginning my Super-Thrive three-day workshop in Melbourne with other incredible Thrivers creating their lives at their highest potential.

If you want to find out how to join me and this exclusive Super Thrive tribe, please click this link. 

Okay so now on to today’s video …

 

The Truth About Boundaries

First of all, I want to explain to you a little bit about boundaries.

Most people know not to leave their front door open, car unlocked or their bank accounts unsecured.

Yet, so many of us did not know that our values and rights needed to be just as powerfully protected. Because if they are not, we live other people’s values, rights and truth, even if these are contrary to our own. These could be so out of alignment that they are even abusive to us.

So, let’s start by getting very clear about what are our values, rights and truth.

 

Your Values

What are your values?

These are your deep soul commitments to yourself and life.

These are the things that make you feel safe, healthy and happy. Such things as honesty, decency, kindness, mutuality and teamwork.

Maybe other deep values for you are benevolence, compassion and care for other human beings.

Possibly your values are also about a healthy lifestyle and family values.

I really urge you to sit with a pen and paper and write down what your values are to get very clear about them.

In fact, I’d love you to pause this video, take a few minutes to connect to what your values are, and then share them below in the comments section.

By you sharing your values, it may help somebody else get very clear about their own. Remember we are all in this together!

Okay …

Then, it’s about understanding what your rights are.

 

Your Rights

Your rights are about being treated in alignment with your values.

It is Wrong Town for us to get connected with somebody who does not share the same values and believe that they are going to respect our rights.

It is impossible for them to do this! They simply don’t have the resources to!

 

Your Truth

What is your truth?

Your truth is whatever you are participating in, even if you don’t like it.

Your truth is up to you, it’s never up to anybody else. If you believe that it is, then you are handing your power away and it will be impossible for you to live your truth.

This is where boundaries come into play, regarding creating your truth powerfully.

Okay, let’s get into the three boundary setting steps.

 

Step Number 1: State Your Values

To enforce your rights, you have to be able to state your values truthfully.

This can be at the beginning of potential relationships, or even in the midst of abusive ones.

When you are in your power, you state YOUR values. You are not saying what somebody else is or isn’t doing wrong.

So, an example of this may be, in response to somebody who it is being unreliable in a dating experience, “I am only interested in dating available people who follow-up and do what they say they will do. If that’s not you that’s okay, and I’m saying goodbye and I wish you all the best.”

Then, be quiet and allow the other person to respond. They will either fully step up or not, and you will have your answer.

Or, when receiving abuse from someone close to you, “I will only engage when I am spoken to sensibly and decently.” And then completely detach until that happens, regardless of what else is thrown at you.

Or, when you suspect that you are being cheated on, or deceived, “If there is proof that is irrefutable, I can believe it’s the truth. Until then I will no longer be attached to you.”

Can you see how stating your values has nothing to do with the other person? This is about you taking your power back by anchoring into your values and stating them FIRMLY.

 

Step Number 2: Back Yourself Up

Step number two is harder than step number one. This is where you can doubt yourself, renege on the boundary, and hand your rights away again.

The total truth of life is this …  if you are not prepared to stand for your values and back them, you will be living a life below the level of your values.

Whatever you tolerate is what you will get.

By backing yourself up, you are declaring this to All of Life (repeat after me): “I am inviting you to join me in authenticity, honour and health. If you have the resources you will join me there, and if you don’t then we are no longer a match. I declare to All of Life who I am and what I will tolerate. I now create my truth.”

Feel this in your body. Then I want you to pause this video and share how it feels for you below.

Okay, so I hope that you realise how powerfully important this step is.

You need to know that backing yourself, does NOT mean lecturing or prescribing to people and trying to get them to “get it”. You can’t make other people “get” anything. The more you try to get people to “get you” the less they will. Only you can “get you”.

Then healthy people will follow.

Additionally, you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak, despair, pain and abuse by letting go of those who are not diligently and actively stepping up to meet you at the level of your values.

 

Step Number 3: Holding Your Alignment

Say, for example, the person who was unavailable starts arguing with you or making excuses.

Or, the person in your life who is speaking abusively to you, tries to pull you in and continues fighting with you.

Or, the suspected lies were defended and twisted and turned back on to you.

This means, “Thank you I have my answer. I’m moving on and I wish you all the best.“

(Maybe the person speaking abusively to you is your child, who you can’t leave. This means that you don’t grant them your energy until they are respectful towards you.)

You can’t be attached to outcomes. You can’t be attached to a certain person meeting you at this level. By holding your alignment, you will start to understand that the people and situations that do represent your True Self and True Life will enter and conjoin with you.

Whether or not they are existing people in your life or people you have never met yet is irrelevant.

What is important is you finally living your authentic healthy life.

Our boundaries are never up to somebody else to present us with love, approval, security and survival. As an adult this is our job, which is between us and our soul and Life itself.

People can only match you at the level that you are at with yourself.

You will be tested. You may have all sorts of fears and doubts and excuses as to why not to hold your boundary.

This is the uncomfortableness of you breaking out of the old patterns that haven’t been working for you, into the new ones which durably will.

 

Making This Life Transition

When you start implementing boundaries, a great clean out can happen. Ultimately, what and who is not aligned with your truth will go.

This can be very painful. You may feel very alone and in unfamiliar territory.

It can be so easy to go for the quick fix, the self-medication for the relief of loneliness and pain by hooking up with people and substances that are not your true values.

It’s very hard to do better until we get better.

The inner work is all about getting better so that we do better.

If you dedicate yourself to your self-partnering, by doing the inner work with NARP, then you will find it’s so much easier to hang out and keep redefining your boundaries and HOLD them, until real people and things start to appear in your life.

And I promise you they will!

I hope today’s episode has really helped you define what you need to do, and the inner work and journey that is involved here.

And, it is my deepest passion to help you connect to this journey to create the life of your dreams, which you can do by clicking this link – The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).

And for those of you who are already NARPers and are interested in more intense and activated work regarding boundary setting, then I highly recommend my Empowered Self Course which has three whole modules dedicated to boundary setting in it.

And as a last-minute reminder to those of you who wish to learn how to Super Thrive and unlock your highest and best life in the most powerful ways that you can imagine, please join me on the 23rd to the 25th of March in Melbourne, by clicking this link – Love, Health & Wealth Super-Thrive Workshop.

I can’t wait to hang out with you in person!

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Central Texas Family Court Corruption

Central Texas Family Court Corruption

Topic: Host Mike Lee and guests discuss the unfair and oftentimes damaging outcomes handed down in family court cases that involve minor children.

If you have issues that you feel are unjustified or corrupt please email txfamilycourtcorruption@gmail.com