Why You Should Be Glad You Married A Narcissist

Why You Should Be Glad You Married A Narcissist

All of our experiences teach us something. There are lessons to learn from even the darkest moments of our lives. Marrying a narcissist is one of those times that can teach you a bunch of lessons to use for future relationships so you don’t make the same mistakes again.

The post Why You Should Be Glad You Married A Narcissist appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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5 Reasons Why Narcissists Move On So Quickly

5 Reasons Why Narcissists Move On So Quickly

Narcissists always seem to land on their feet, like the proverbial cat.  Whilst you are at home still feeling hurt and healing from the break up of your relationship, they are happily posting photos all over social media of how wonderful their life is now.

It’s like a real kick in the stomach!

So why do they move on so quickly?

Well aside from the well-known and accepted reason, which is that they are incapable of love so everything is superficial and therefore your relationship was never “real”, there is actually a lot more to it.

Studies have revealed differences in the brain structure of those with diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder which shed a lot of light on this subject.

  1. The area of the brain responsible for empathy (the frontal lobe) is much less developed in a narcissist that the rest of the average population.  Therefore they are physically less able to understand others feelings and so will struggle to recognise love.  We learn how to love from others but if our brains are less capable of performing this function, we won’t learn how to love meaning relationships are much more superficial for narcissists.
  2. The same area of the brain is also involved in problem solving.  So when problems occur in a relationship, the narcissist will not have the necessary skills to stay and communicate and try to resolve the issues.  Instead they will move onto a new relationship where there are no problems.  Once problems begin to occur, which they inevitably will, the narcissist will once again move on.
  3. The frontal lobe is also linked to sexual behaviours.  According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, sex is a basic human need but sexual intimacy is higher up the hierarchy, meaning that when narcissists are in stress or crisis they will go into survival mode and seek only to meet their basic needs – they will cheat.  It’s as primal to them as eating when hungry is to the rest of us.
  4. The cerebral cortex has also been found to be less developed in narcissists and this area is responsible for memory, emotions and behaviour.  Therefore the narcissist seems to move on so fast because their emotions are not as deep as ours but also, they don’t form memories in the same way the rest of us do.  For most of us it’s the memories which keep us attached to someone and unable to move on.  The narcissist doesn’t have this problem.  Their brain hasn’t stored those memories in the same way so they can quickly move on without the attachment.
  5. We know that childhood abuse plays a role in the development of NPD and this can be emotional, physical or sexual.  As a child, the narcissist will have developed a coping strategy to deal with the abuse which could include compartmentalising their emotions to reduce the pain.  Long term exposure to abuse can therefore lead to new neural pathways being formed which simply bypass emotions completely.  It’s protective evolution of the brain.  And means that narcissists never feel hurt, pain or love.  Therefore they can move on without a care in the world.  Literally.

So the next time you see a smiling picture of your narcissist ex with his new supply, know that it’s just a mask.  There are no real feelings.  They are simply resorting to their survival mode.

And remember, the fact you feel sad is a good thing because it shows you have developed normal brain functioning and for you it was real.  Never be ashamed of that.

The post 5 Reasons Why Narcissists Move On So Quickly appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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Manifesto for the Sensitive Sane Guy (how to avoid crazies)

Introduction After witnessing as well as interviewing several man who have had the misfortune of dating or marrying a crazy parasitic cunt that I write this manifesto to help guide the kind gentle man. This is not for the alpha … continue reading

The post Manifesto for the Sensitive Sane Guy (how to avoid crazies) appeared first on Karen Lodrick.

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11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Emotionally abusive relationships cause untold pain and stress on both our bodies and our minds. But how do we know what one looks like?  

 

 

“It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.”
― Aisha Mirza

 

Emotional abuse doesn’t start from day one. There is that lovely first stage when they are wonderful, everything you have ever wanted.  It seems you both want the same things out of life and yes, things move fast, but when it’s right it’s right. Right?

 

Sadly, that initial rush of excitement is often a chemical response and once you settle into a steady relationship, those exciting chemicals are replaced with calmer but more long lasting ones such as Oxycontin – the love drug.

 

Healthy relationships can thrive with this change.  Both parties feel secure and comfortable and are excited by the future.

 

Emotionally abusive relationships however can flounder at this point because the abuser craves the high of the start of the relationship and so they can change almost overnight.

 

Sometimes the arrival of a child can be the catalyst.  Suddenly they aren’t the centre of attention any more and this creates anxiety in them and they feel rejected.  Or they can become obsessed with the child and push you away. This can result in anger, resentment and even a breakup.

 

In both cases the other party, you, is left wondering where the great person they originally met went to.

 

For those who stick at the relationship, an insidious type of abuse can emerge.  Physical abuse is more overt and victims recognise it as unhealthy even when they aren’t in a position to leave.  But covert, emotional and psychological abuse is less easy to recognise and victims can stay for years before the realisation occurs.

 

This article will provide you with 11 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship with the hope to at least give you the awareness of what is going on.

 

11 Signs of a Emotional Abuse

 

  1. There is a lack of an emotional connection

    You never turn to each other for emotional support. You look to other people first. Or you have to mind read their emotions and put yours in a box. Certain personality types, including narcissists, are emotionally unavailable and can struggle with not just their own but also with their partners emotions.  This can lead to outbursts of either rage or silence as they become overwhelmed. They will also belittle or ignore your emotions and your emotional needs leaving you feeling lonely and unheard
  2. One person is dominant in the relationship

    They control everything.  The money. The decisions. The child care.  And they refuse to listen to your opinion. They send a very clear message that they know best and a subtle message that you are unable/incapable of doing anything.

    Or they set you up to fail by giving you all the control but constantly belittling you for your “mistakes”. They refuse to do anything and you often feel like you are parenting them.  Either way, their personality is dominant and everyone knows where the power lies.


    In family systems theory this is known as differentiation of self and all family members lose their own identity and become almost cult like in their following of the leader.
  3. You don’t have a sense of relationship security

    All relationships go through tough times but healthy individuals stay and work things out or end it to work on themselves.  Emotionally insecure people threaten to leave regularly so you feel like you have a noose around your neck all the time. This is another aspect of control and power over you.

    They want you to know the consequences of disagreeing with them or not adhering to their requests in any way.

  4. You are experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, depression, chronic pain, PTSD or substance abuse issues.  It is toxic stress and can be really damaging to your whole body
  5. Your partner is defining your reality by saying one thing and then denying it.  This is known as gaslighting and is psychological manipulation, a tactic often used by narcissists.
  6. They are extremely jealous and want to know where you are and who you are with constantly.  They don’t trust you to go to the shops and make constant accusations, some subtly, some outright. This is designed to isolate you and for them to maintain control of you
  7. They “surprise” you with changes to plans you already made under the guise of it being special, or better.  Really this is coercive and covert control.
  8. You feel sorry for them even though they are hurting you.  You blame it on stress, money, work – anything you can think of.  The reality is you care more about them than you do about yourself.
  9. They keep mentioning another person’s name but claims they are just friends

    Triangulation is a very powerful tool in creating jealousy and maintaining power.  They also do it to test boundaries and show how omnipotent they are. They get a kick out of seeing you uncomfortable and now knowing how to react.  If you question them you may get mocked or even accused of being abusive for not letting them have friends. They will say you are paranoid and so you will second guess everything.
  10. You are walking on eggshells

    Sometimes you don’t even want to go home because you don’t know what to expect and haven’t got the energy to manage it.  So you find yourself sat in the car in the car park or lingering in the shop just to delay walking into uncertainty. You even jump for joy when they aren’t in!
  11. You are questioning your sanity

    One of the biggest signs is when you start to think that you must be the problem.  You have been repeatedly told you are crazy, paranoid, miserable and they are so convincing that they are innocent, projecting it all onto you, that you begin to wonder if they are right. This isolates you and prevents you from opening up to anyone else for fear of being judged and it also provides a strong narrative for them to recruit family and friends to make you feel worse and imply you have problems.  This deflects all blame from them and no matter what you tell anyone, they have already stabbed you in the back and created their own version of the truth.

All of these signs are recognised in abuse models. This is known as the Duluth power and control wheel and is used to “diagnose” abusive relationships.

unhealthy relationship model
Duluth power and control wheel

 

If you recognise all of these signs, you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship and may even be in a relationship with a narcissist.  That may be the first time you have heard that. Take a minute. It’s not easy to hear.  It’s also up to you what you do with that.

 

I also understand that it isn’t easy to label the person you love as a narcissist.  You see all the good in them and believe that deep down they are a good person. I believe that too.  But right now you are suffering. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. And so something for you to consider is do you love them more than you love yourself?

 

I understand that what you want more than anything is for things to go back to how they were at the start.  For them to be the loving, fun and attentive person they were. Sadly we don’t have a time machine. And you can’t unknow what you know.  But you can make some conscious choices. The first of which is

 

  1. A) Do nothing, store this information away in your brain to perhaps recall at a later date but just get on with things
  2. B) Learn more.  Find out the reality of where you are at. Find out whether they are narcissistic.

 

If you choose B, we can help. You can read through our blogs for more information. We also have a quiz to help you know whether or not you are dealing with a narcissist.  It’s totally free.

Take our free “Is my partner a narcissist quiz?”

The post 11 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

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The Stalking Narcissist – Will They Ever Leave You Alone?

The Stalking Narcissist – Will They Ever Leave You Alone?

 

Being stalked is horrible.

If you are going through this right now, it is likely that you feel high levels of anxiety, and it’s really difficult for you to settle into getting on with your life.

What is this person doing when they are stalking you?

Are they gathering information on social media to use against you?

Are they following you to try to perform a ‘hoover’ on you?

Do they want to threaten … or even hurt you?

Whatever it is, ABSOLUTELY one the most disconcerting and frightening things about narcissistic abuse is STALKING.

So … what is our way out?

I promise you there is a Quantum answer that is so big and powerful it does bring absolute freedom, and I can’t wait to share it with you in this new episode!

 

 

Video Transcript

Being stalked is one of the most terrifying things we can experience from a narcissist. I totally get how shattered, violated and scared you feel if you are going through the horror of this right now.

Being stalked, or even the threat of stalking incites feeling agoraphobic about going anywhere or doing anything in case the narcissist is following you.

You don’t know where he or she could turn up and what drama could ensue.

Maybe, you feel totally fearful about having any social media accounts. Maybe you know that the narcissist has used methods and people to hack into your information or find out details about you to use against you or terrorise and dismantle your life.

Of course, the prospect of anything like that is terrifying.

All of this is especially terrible when we know that we are dealing with jealous, controlling narcissists. These are the ones who are the most likely to be vindictive, poisonous and even dangerous.

And I also get how after being stalked and not knowing whether or not we are being – that we may be in constant paranoia wondering if we still are being stalked. We don’t know whether it is safe to come back out and if we do what will be fed to others, used against us in court or flung in our face. Or if joint-parenting, how the stalking of our information may be used against us with our children or incite further abusive interrogation of our children.

Additionally, you may suspect the people who come and see you or talk to you are actually minions of the narcissist. You don’t know who or what to trust. Gang stalking can be a very real phenomenon with narcissists, whereby their stories about you have incited other people to cyber stalk and bully you or attack you in your everyday life operations.

And all of this can hang around for years making your life feel terrorised, diminished and drastically unsafe. I promise you unless I had found the solution to this, I too would be completely minimalised. In fact, I know I would never have survived.

Okay, what I really want to do in this Thriver’s TV episode is to empower you to know HOW to be your authentic and powerful self, no matter what the narcissist is or isn’t doing regarding stalking you. This is vital, because the way to break through this all comes back to Quantum Law – so within, so without. In fact, one of the times that we need to break through into our true authentic selves the MOST is when we are under the threat of stalking.

Some people may tell you to threaten a narcissist back to stop them stalking you or attempt to expose them and bring them into accountability. I have to say, in all the time I have been a part of this incredible community, I am yet to see enough evidence that this is effective to even consider recommending it. In stark contrast, I have seen people trying to get even and ‘one-up’ the narcissist come off incredibly badly because no level of doing that will ever be effective when we are coming from the inner emotional container of trauma. I talk about this in my video How To Outsmart A Narcissist The Right Way.

Traditionally narcissists feed off your energy as a shark does blood and get energised to attack you. There is a much better way to overcome the narcissist’s stalking.

This is it: Not give a crap.

Meaning, heal to the empowered level where you have the healthy beliefs ‘all of life supports me’ and ‘my radiant, authentic self is impervious to abuse – just as a result of being myself.’

People ask me often as to whether or not I am perturbed about the ex-narcissists stalking me online. Both of these men were very vindictive men – but the truth is I don’t care if they look my stuff up constantly or not at all. I’m not worried about them having a crack at me, or any narcissist having a go at me for that matter.

Because there is just a simple philosophy – ignore the nasty behaviour and if a boundary is crossed – simply enforce it. This means to block a person who is being abusive or take out an intervention order if necessary.

If smearing or minions happen (and there was plenty of that!), I now know what is important is, I believe in me and what I am doing, and what any particular person does or doesn’t think, is none of my business.

If we are immobilised with fear, the narcissist has won. It means we shrink, hide, defend and become paralysed in expressing our true self and true life. It means the narcissist still owns our soul and therefore life-force.

I love that when we become ‘anti-fear’, truly we get to live the Quantum Law, the freedom of so within, so without.

We get to see how powerless narcissists are against people who no longer have fear, no longer grant them narcissistic supply and quite frankly couldn’t care less about them.

Narcissists have to take their energy elsewhere because there is not the payoff of narcissistic supply anymore – which is: ‘I affect this person hugely. Therefore, I must be significant.’

In a practical sense when a narcissist is stalking you – when you are firmly in No Contact, and you have proof and report it all calmly and clearly, you will do really well in a legal sense. You will be able to get an intervention order in place.

When you are terrorised, have scanty facts, and come across as deranged and/or paranoid, you will not do well at all. You will simply come away from a courthouse or the police feeling even more vulnerable, unsafe, alone and unsupported.

Over the years, so many people have said to me, ‘I know he/she is watching me and trying to find out things about me. I can’t be on social media or do anything at all publicly anymore.’  This is my answer to that: Your greatest goal is to love your life and not care less. Be you, live loud and proud and big and truthfully and authentically. Clear yourself of your trauma and fear and because of narcissistic abuse, emerge as your truest and highest self, and you will see narcissistic people run for the shadows to escape your light just as a vampire can not stand daylight.

And I truly believe this is the case regardless of your circumstances. Even if you are going through custody and property settlements and even if you are parallel parenting. Of course, block the narcissists from your life on social media etc. This is about boundaries, but don’t dim down, repress yourself or shut down.

That is exactly the energy where the narcissist has you and can torment the hell out of you – energetically and literally.  Don’t feed him or her emotional energy in the way of fear, defenses and resentment. Instead get to total detachment and indifference. That is where your true power lies.

Back in my times of being in absolute terror and the emotional fear and horror of being stalked I finally, finally realised that I had to live on my feet and clear all the trauma I could about this.

So purposefully and determinedly I imagined what it would feel like to have him follow me, approach me, be anywhere I was, and I shifted and shifted out the trauma with NARP until I felt absolutely nothing about it whatsoever.

That is when it stopped! That is when the total terror campaign ended. It’s Quantum Law – it couldn’t have gone any other way – so within, so without.

I also worked solidly on all the faulty and painful beliefs that in truth I had carried all my life (which were, of course, Quantumly replaying!) such as:

I am not safe in life.

People can destroy me

If I don’t hide, I will be annihilated.

I am now so grateful I was stalked by a narcissist and suffered insane levels of fear, in order to find and face and heal these traumas with NARP. In reality, they had been haunting me my entire life, not allowing me to shine in my life as myself.

This is the gift you truly have to look forward to when you do the same.

Is this ringing bells for you? Is it resonating deeply and clearly inside you? I hope so because the truth has a way of doing that!

Please know you do have the power inside you to create your inner Universe in the way that your outer universe will respond.

When the people who used to hurt you can no longer energetically connect to you, they are removed, because Quantum Law – so within, so without, is as absolute as gravity.

It’s the only place our true power is.

Does this help?

So, if you know its time to get off your knees, heal all of this and live on your feet as your true self with no more fear – I’m going to show you exactly how to achieve this.

To get started you can sign up to my free 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me (where you will feel an immediate shift and relief), a set of eBooks and lots more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.

And if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe, so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do

 

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Parent-child relationship problems: Treatment tools for rectification counseling

Resources: Parent Alienation

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