Why are my children rejecting me?

Why are my children rejecting me?

The 3 main reasons your children don’t want to see you

 

You were a loving parent.  Your kids came to you for comfort and you knew exactly how to make them better.  Your relationship with them was something you were so proud of.  

 

But now, they seem to have forgotten all of that.  They say they hate you and don’t want to see you. They blame you for everything and you don’t know why.

 

This is the reality of hundreds of thousands of parents across the UK and the world.  So how does it happen?

 

There’s three main ways:

 

  1. Estrangement
  2. Alienation
  3. A hybrid of the two

 

Alienation

 

This is when a child has been manipulated into rejecting you by a parent (could be step parent, grandparent or sibling).  

 

It is a process of behaviours designed to ensure you are seen as the bad parent and the alienating parent is all good. It is usually instigated by a Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disordered parent.  

 

How do they do it?

 

But eventually the long term plan is that the child rejects you, because they’re literally left with no choice by the controlling, alienating parent. And I’ve been through descriptions of that, I’m not going to go into any more great detail, but ultimately, the motivation of the alienating parent is to destroy your relationship, put you out of their life, prove that you are at fault. They’re the hero and they are protecting their child and most importantly, is that they get the child to do that rejecting themselves. They manipulate the child into believing that you’re this awful person, this abusive parent partner, everything perfect. And so the child will basically parrot a script given to them this narrative that’s created by usually a personality disordered parent in the milk. Most of these cases of alienation tend to have a personality disorder, usually with either borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. And the child will tell anyone that will listen that they hate you and that you’re mean and that they are afraid of you.  They put on this grand performance, but what’s going on behind the scenes is actually they’re not feeling that at all.  These are not their authentic feelings.

 

They’re being given no choice, they’ve been manipulated to believe this. They’ve been given this role to play under the guise of protection. The child knows that if they don’t do as they’re told, then they will lose that parent.  That if they won’t ignore you, they may lose their sibling, they may lose a dog. There’s lots of different ways that it can be done (see our free download for the exact process) but the result is the same.  In order for the child to survive and retain a relationship with the alienating parent, they must reject you.

 

Estrangement

 

Estrangement, however, is an authentic experience by the child. It’s where something’s happened (you may have had an affair and left or you may have lashed out at some point, you may have been baited to so in front of the child so you get angry, or perhaps you were stressed so drinking more), you may have done something that led a child under any normal circumstances to be upset or maybe not feel safe in your company at the moment. And so they don’t want to see you right now. And the difference with estrangement is that the child’s feelings are authentic.  It’s okay for them to feel like that and with the right support, and encouragement from the other parent, that relationship can get back on track. It’s an immediate response to feeling anger or feeling the fear or feeling unsafe. And it is easily remedied. It’s not long term.  There’s no there’s behind the scenes manipulation. Again, it’s just a genuine authentic response from the child to something has happened.  Usually an apology and explanation (age appropriate) and time is enough to restore the relationship providing your ex supports your relationship.

 

Hybrid

 

A hybrid can start off as estrangement and you may have done something (as described above) which provides the catalyst for the other parent to realise that life would be easier without you around.

 

Mistakes happen in relationships.  Sometimes you can lash out and make a mistake but from the child’s point of view, they saw a different side to you.  They saw something happen and they’re angry or upset. But without the support of the other parent, the relationship doesn’t get mended. In fact, what happens is the relationship is then turned into an alienation process. Because the alienating parent will use it as a trampoline to spring other ideas off of, to really ramp up. So they’ll take something that you’ve done and it will be continuously talked about. It’ll be exaggerated, it can be manipulated, it will be twisted. And so the child takes what was their authentic feeling (they were feeling angry, they were scared) and it becomes their entire memory of your relationship. And so that’s why it’s quite difficult in these cases, they have this real memory of something that’s happened, but it’s been so distorted that it’s become enough for them to reject you themselves. In these cases it is important the original fracture is acknowledged and then repaired whilst not allowing additional misdemeanours to be assigned to you. 

 

I understand that if you are not seeing your children, it feels like alienation.  There are lots of support groups which talk about alienation and so everyone assumes that theirs is alienation.  It’s easy to get angry when you start taking on board everyone else’s experiences and anger with the system. But the truth is that not all cases are pure alienation.  Some will be cases where a child has genuinely felt upset with a parent but due to the strained relationship with the ex and all the peer pressure in groups, the “targeted parent” may be lead to believe that it’s the exes fault and so start to blame them which the child doesn’t respond well it because that genuinely isn’t their truth.   And you can sometimes come on too strong, you can become pushy, and you can start saying, “well, this is your mum/dad’s fault, they are stopping you from seeing me” when actually, that wasn’t what was going on. But because you’ve said it, they then genuinely become fearful. They don’t want to see because you’re acting a bit crazy or saying things that they don’t like. And so you take it down that alienation path, and like I say, that might be really hard to acknowledge, and I’m not here to lay blame, what I mean to do is try and help you to see that sometimes our own behaviours can impact these situations. In fact, in all the cases our behaviours impact these situations because we change, we allow that frustration, we allow those natural feelings of sadness or guilt or remorse or frustration, anger to take over and to a child that can appear quite scary and they become afraid of you. And so what starts out as estrangement, could have been fixed if you had taken a moment to reflect on what had happened and listened to the children.

 

Sometimes our own behaviours become so fixated on it potentially being alienation that you become fixated on it when what you perhaps should be thinking is “how are the kids seeing this? What are the kids’ point of view of what’s going on? How am I helping them through this process?” 

 

I appreciate that this is probably quite difficult to hear, and it’s certainly not about blame, or that you’ve done anything wrong. It’s just about being aware of how our behaviours can impact our children.  Keeping your children at the centre and always considering how they might be feeling, what can you do to make them feel safe, secure while still fighting? Then keep that as your focal point and your relationship at its core will stay protected.

The post Why are my children rejecting me? appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

Read More –>

Shared Custody In The Midst Of Coronavirus

When It Comes To Joint Custody In The Midst Of Coronavirus Be ‘Flexible’

Shared Custody In The Midst Of Coronavirus

 

Tensions have never run higher when it comes to contentious relations between divorced parents with joint custody because many are now arguing about where the children would be most safe in order to ensure their safety.

While the “physical custody” parent may insist the child(ren) should remain with him/her while the country waits out the dangers of Covid-19, that may prove to be narrow thinking because it is possible that the residence where the child(ren) lives most often could be the home that leaves the child(ren) most susceptible to contracting or transmitting the disease.

Couple that with the reality that most courts are temporarily shutting down, squabbles and all-out divorce wars, are escalating with little or no intervention from the court system, unless the argument rises to the level of domestic violence.

With that in mind, my plea (and others in my field of family law) is to be flexible with your ex.

Shared Custody In The Midst Of Coronavirus

The following are some tips to help divorced parents weather this uncertain crisis:

  1. If you and your ex can’t agree on a new temporary arrangement, ask for intervention from your attorney, therapist, clergy or trusted advisor. The courts may not be available for seeking a remedy for a significant amount of time. Only in highly critical situations will the courts get involved.
  2. As you formulate your side of the argument with your ex, take a pause and remember that what is best for your child(ren) at this time must be your number one priority.
  3. Start any conversations with a new mindset: the intention of being flexible about changing the routine from that which you have been used to.
  4. Be practical in your decision making. For instance, if you have physical custody, and your ex lives alone where he/she can easily isolate your child(ren) from exposure to others, might it be prudent to agree to leave the (child)ren in the care of that parent for this period of time?
  5. When creating any new schedule, make certain the kid(s) aren’t subject to “subtle parental alienation.” Make sure you facilitate both verbal and visual communication. Fortunately, today, we have social media platforms; we have Facebook, Zoom, Join.me, Skype, group texts, and smartphone communication like Facetime. Instagram provides near real-time sharing of photos. This is yet another way for the “self-distancing” parent to keep in touch with their child(ren) throughout the day and evening. There are apps for many face-to-face communication opportunities. Download them now. That way you can connect your child(ren) 24/7, being careful not to disturb the other parent at inappropriate times.
  6. Address the trauma your child(ren) are experiencing. Does he/she/they need immediate therapy as they try to face their fear and uncertainty? If so, reach out. Get help.
  7. Both parents need to work together to keep the child(ren’s) schedule(s) as regular as possible based on what they have been used to.
  8. Lastly, engender a peaceful vibe in front of your child(ren), especially in the presence of your ex. The current situation is stressful enough without adding more tension to the situation. Circling back to my core message in this article: Be flexible!

The post When It Comes To Joint Custody In The Midst Of Coronavirus Be ‘Flexible’ appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

Central Texas Family Court Corruption

Central Texas Family Court Corruption

Topic: Host Mike Lee and guests discuss the unfair and oftentimes damaging outcomes handed down in family court cases that involve minor children.

If you have issues that you feel are unjustified or corrupt please email txfamilycourtcorruption@gmail.com

FEMALE NARCISSIST

CO-PARENTING WITH A NARCISSIST – 13 STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH A FEMALE NARCISSIST

Truth is that you can’t co-parent with a narcissist.  But that would be a ridiculously short post so instead we are going to look at some practical steps you can take to make the fact that you have a narcissistic ex a little bit easier for you and the children.

I have chosen to write this post about female narcissists.  Mainly because it is a hugely under talked about subject but one that is a very real problem.  Almost all my clients have identified that their mothers were narcissistic and that it has had huge implications for them growing up and into adulthood.  That means that there are a lot of fathers out there attempting to co-parent with a narcissist.  

Whilst I appreciate that there are plenty of narcissistic fathers out there as well, I feel that there is already a plethora of information out there for mums (Scary Mommy and The Good Men Project have great articles on this).

Female narcissists can cause just as much damage to their children but they have the added weight of societal views about mothers and domestic abuse on their side.  Although there has been a lot of work done in the past decade about father’s rights and equal parenting, the truth is that most people still assume that mothers are the primary caregivers.  Whilst I am not wishing to write off the important role of mothers or deny that many more women than men are primary caregivers, I do think that parenting roles have changed and we now have legislation which reflects that in some measure (parental leave for new fathers for example) so it’s important we also talk about the darker side of females as well.  

There is lots spoken about toxic masculinity but toxic femininity and toxic females exist too. I think it is very dangerous to label one sex all good and the other all bad.  In fact that kind of black and white thinking is a trait of narcissism. I prefer to believe that we are all capable of good and bad acts, just as we are all capable of being victim or abuser. Without going too much into a nature nurture debate, science has long since demonstrated that our behaviours are as much, if not more, the result of our experiences than our biology.  In other words, what we have between our legs does not dictate who we are and how we behave. This is where the importance of nurture, and in particular parenting, becomes even more obvious.

But firstly, let’s get to know what we are dealing with.

Female Narcissists

Thought Catalog have written a really great piece on female narcissists so I am going to borrow their five characteristics of a female narcissist:

  1. A sadistic sense of pleasure at someone else’s pain.

Perhaps one of the most understated qualities of the female malignant narcissist is the pleasure and joy she takes in bringing down others. She enjoys making covert jabs and watching gleefully as the formerly confident victim looks crestfallen, shocked and offended. She displays a lack of empathy when the conversation turns to more serious emotional matters, engaging in shallow responses or cruel reprimands that invalidate her victim’s reality.

She is ruthless in her ability to first idealise, then devalue and discard her victims without a second thought. She cannot engage in healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationships, so she enjoys sabotaging the relationships and friendships of others for her own personal entertainment.

  1. An insatiable sense of competitiveness, due to pathological envy and the need to be the centre of attention.

They have to win.  At all costs. They will either be overt and play the hero.  Or covert and present as a fragile victim, utilising all her womanly wiles to win over sympathy in order to achieve her goal.  Usually of putting someone else down or punishing them.

As psychotherapist Christine Louis de Canonville puts it, “When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than the narcissistic woman.”

  1. She sabotages your friendships and relationships, stirring chaos within social groups.

The female narcissist may use her affiliation with her target to gain access to resources or status, but as soon as the idealisation phase is over, the devaluation and discard follows. She then engages in rumour-mongering, smear campaigns and creates ‘triangles’ where she feeds others false or humiliating information about the victim. She may pit her friends against each other by claiming that they are gossiping about one another, when in fact, it is her falsehoods that are actually manufacturing conflict within the group. By subjecting her victims to covert and overt put-downs, she is able to then confirm her own false sense of superiority.

You are probably dealing with a female narcissist or sociopath if:

  • You notice an uncomfortable silence, a covert exchange of looks or odd energy when you enter the room. 
  • You were initially idealised, sweet-talked, admired, praised and shown off at the beginning of the relationship. You might have found yourself sharing your most intimate secrets early on, due to her disarmingly sweet and trustworthy demeanour. Later, you find your deepest secrets being spoken about with derision amongst friends or family or rumours based on vulnerabilities and fears you confided in them about. You also notice a chilling smugness when they talk down to you or as she devalues your accomplishments.
  • You bear witness to the narcissist frequently speaking ill of others in an excessively contemptuous tone, while appearing friendly and engaging with them in public. This is evidence of her duplicity and ability to deceive. An authentic person might vent about others occasionally in the event of stress or conflict, but would not engage in excessive gossip or indiscriminate character assassination. He or she would be more likely to cut ties with those they thought were toxic or address it to them directly rather than bashing them unnecessarily. Make no mistake, the way they’re speaking about others is the way they’ll eventually speak about you.
  1. She has an obsession with her appearance as well as a high level of materialism and superficiality. 

FEMALE NARCISSIST

Female narcissists fit the ‘femme fatale’ stereotype quite well. Many of them are conventionally attractive and use their sexuality to their advantage. Since females in our society are also socialised to objectify themselves, the female narcissist follows this social norm to use whatever physical assets she has to assert her power.

Hammond (2015) also observes female narcissists tend to excessively spend money. This may result in a highly materialistic female narcissist who enjoys adorning herself with the best designer clothing, indulging in luxuries at the expense of her loved ones or allowing herself to be excessively catered to by a wealthy significant other. Female narcissists can also accumulate their own wealth and use it as an indication of her superiority as well.

  1. A blatant disregard for the boundaries of intimate relationships, including her own.

In keeping with typical narcissistic behavior regardless of gender, the female narcissist is likely to have a harem of admirers – consisting of exes that never seem to go away, admirers who always seem to lurk in the background and complete strangers she ensnares into her web to evoke jealousy in her romantic partner. She frequently creates love triangles with her significant other and other males (or females, depending on her sexual orientation). She rejoices in male attention and boasts about being the object of desire. She engages in emotional and/or physical infidelity, usually without remorse and with plenty of gaslighting and deception directed at her partner, who usually dotes on her and spoils her, unaware of the extent of her disloyalty.

Delightful folks aren’t they!

If you are having to co-parent with one though, you have experienced all of this.  You understand their manipulative ways and have seen first hand how they can cut people off in a truly heartless manner. You got out of that drama. But your kids can’t do that.  And so you have to find a way to deal with them.

13 Ways To Co-Parent With A Narcissist

  • Accept that you can’t co-parent with them
    Co-parenting implies co-operation, communication and collaboration.  Not going to happen. They have to be seen as superior so they will make all decisions, withhold information and keep you shut out.  Parents evenings will be separate, and no doubt she will have told the school that she doesn’t feel safe being around you. You won’t find out if they are ill unless of course it is as an excuse to stop contact. 

We were regularly told the children were ill so couldn’t come.  In fact it happened so often I questioned whether she was poisoning them!

It also requires both parties to see the other as valid and relevant.  The narcissist does not see you as valid or relevant. You are the proverbial shit on their shoe that they want to get rid of. Your opinion doesn’t count as you don’t count. 

The narcissist went out and pierced the baby’s (and I do mean baby, they were only about a year old) despite the dad voicing that he didn’t want them to have their ears pierced because it was cruel.  Didn’t matter. It was what she wanted.

  • Be realistic with your expectations
    Your ex is not going to change.  She has developed a very sophisticated system for how she deals with people and in particular people who she deems below her or of no use to her.  She simply cuts them off. This works for her so she has no motivation to change.

    The frustration at wanting her to be different lead to arguments between me and my partner and actually, in hindsight cost us our relationship because I was so fixated on her.

    However, this does not mean that your situation cannot change.  You have full control over yourself and how you respond to what is going on.  When she attempts to bait you into an argument in front of witnesses so she can “prove” what a monster you are, you can choose whether or not to bite.  Learning how to manage your own responses takes time and awareness of what your triggers are though so you must be prepared to do the work. Once you grasp it though, your ex has no power over you which right royally pisses them off.

    Whenever she would confront me to try to intimidate me, I would always be super kind and smile.  I wanted to growl really but being able to control my own response really irritated her.  And that, in all honesty, bought me some joy.
  • Understand that everything is about control and punishment
    You are child focused.  You always have been. You didn’t want to argue in front of the kids and so you let things slide.  You let her get her own way so as not to cause distress to the children. She on the other hand used that to control you and things are no different now.  She may act like she is mother of the year but the truth is everything is about her agenda.

    Again, you need to accept that this is who she is.  No amount of reason or logic or pulling at her heart strings is going to get her to put the children first. She knows full well that controlling your access and therefore your relationship with your children is the best way to punish you for whatever wrong she believes you have committed.  When you stop wasting your energy on trying to get her to understand, you can begin to make decisions and take action on getting what you want.
  • Go direct to the source
    The ex won’t share any information with you about your children and if you ask her, you may find yourself slapped with a non-molestation order.  Who knew that wanting to find out about your own children (which you have a legal right to) was a crime? Ironic right.  They are breaking the law in preventing you from having your parental rights but you get labelled the criminal for wanting to exercise them.

    I strongly suggest you speak direct to the source (GP, school, nursery etc) and ask them to copy you in on all correspondence.  Take a copy of the court order if you have one which will show there are no restrictions in you having access to this information.  I also recommend communicating by email in the first instance so that you have a paper trail and you can’t get accused of being a bully. Most of the people involved in your children’s lives have been fed the same lines about you being controlling, aggressive, abusive and unsafe.  I have seen it happen time and time again when father’s go into the school to ask for up to date records for their children, they are stonewalled by people who have believed the lies which is frustrating and so they exert their rights a bit more forcefully and before you know it, you have another person and a professional backing up mum’s side of the story.  Email or old fashioned snail mail is the best way to avoid this.
  • Everything you say, can and will be used as evidence against you
    This is one of the hardest truths to accept but nevertheless it is true.  You are not an equal parent. The ex has successfully managed to completely distort your relationship with your children. In two ways.  Firstly, she will rule by fear and so they know who to obey and who is in charge. Just as you did in the relationship. They have seen the consequences of disagreeing with her and so they go along with everything she says.  This means they have to treat you with the same disrespect and contempt as she does. They don’t believe it but when you practice something enough times it becomes a habit. This leads to the second way she distorts the relationship which is by taking away any parental power you have to discipline your child.  So when they are being disrespectful to you, you have every right to tell them they are not allowed to talk to you that way. You wouldn’t accept it from anyone else so why from your children. What your ex then does is illicit that criticism from the children and convince them that you are abusive because of how you spoke to them.  “He used to speak to me the same way, you poor thing. What a monster he is!” It makes it almost impossible for you to parent at all.  If you want to understand more about this dynamic I recommend grabbing a copy of our free ebook The Painful Truth About Narcissistic Families.

    However, the important thing to remember is that a parent is many things.  The most important being the one person who unconditionally loves their children, no matter what they do and so even if they do disrespect you and reject you, you will always love them.  And deep down they know that. It’s part of why they know they can do it. They feel secure in your love for them. So although it is painful, try to remember that your love for them and theirs for you is strong.  Hold onto that, despite all that might happen.
  • Develop some family rules
    Another way to deal with the disrespect is to share the responsibility for how you want your relationship to look like with the children.  Family meetings and rules decided by everyone in the family can be a really good way for you to manage behaviour. All children know right from wrong.  They feel guilty when they are naughty. And being unkind to you makes them feel very uncomfortable, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

    Create a vision together of family life and ask them how they can contribute to it looking like that.  Obviously they may exhibit some resistance to this and say things like “I wish I didn’t have to come here” or “I want to be with mum” but try to persevere. Ask them why they don’t want to come here, what could you do to help make it better. 
  • Lashings of praise
    Your ex will rule with extremes – severe punishment (rage or the silent treatment) or extravagant rewards (puppies or favourite toys) which can be really powerful in getting children to do exactly what they want.  I have heard a story where a mother, the day before a child was due to go to contact with their father, bought a brand new puppy. I mean who would want to leave a new puppy? Whilst this looks amazing to the child on the surface, what all children really want is love, affection and attention and narcissists simply aren’t capable of providing any of those things.  You know that. You have felt the coldness.

    Positive reinforcement (also known as positive stokes) in the form of praise, hugs and pride is however, much more powerful.  You know the look of joy on your child’s face when you tell them they have done really well and you are proud of them, and then you tell them to ring grandma and tell her.  They are beaming! And children want more of that so giving lots of praise for all the good stuff you see not only boosts their self esteem but it also helps nurture your bond with your child.

    I do recognise that narcissists will give praise when the children do what they want and they use that to encourage them to reject you.  However, narcissists are inconsistent and so children never really know where they stand with them. What pleased them one day isn’t good enough the next.  Being consistent with your praise provides the child with the security they need.
  • Teach rather than tell
    You are your children’s role model.  They learn from all that they see, hear and watch you do.  This is probably why you ended the relationship, because you didn’t want your children to grow up thinking it was normal.  You can use this to help them develop the characteristics and skills you want them to have growing up. It will also help them to manage their own relationship with the narcissist.

    Think about what you want for your child.  Most parents want their children to be kind, happy, loved and successful.  Are you all of those things? How are you able to model them? When they misbehave, show them the behaviour you want rather than point out what they have done wrong.

    I always remember the scene in Jaws when Brody’s son is mirroring all his actions back to him.  Think about what your child is mirroring to you and vice versa.
  • Accept them for all that they are
    The reality is that your child will mirror back to you parts of your ex and this can be really hard to witness.  You may find yourself retriggered and taken back to a situation with your ex. Having her there, in your house, but in a smaller version, can be very upsetting.  And can have an impact on not only how you respond to your child but also how you feel about them. I have heard many parents honestly admit that sometimes, when their child reminds them of their ex, in that moment, they don’t like them.  That might feel really uncomfortable but it’s quite normal and natural. Your child will take after your ex. They may even look like her. No-one expects you to just forget about all the shit they put you through.

    However, it is important that you learn to accept those parts of your child.  Being aware when they remind you of your ex can help you to manage your feelings.  And remember that your child is not your ex.

    My step-daughter reminded me so much of the narcissist.  She had the same look sometimes and I felt my stomach go but just that awareness of that feeling was enough to pull me back into the room and stay with this innocent little girl sat in front of me who was so much more than her DNA.
  • Get to grips with your ex
    Something else it is important for you to model to your children, is how to deal with the ex.  You no longer live with her so you have the space to recover but your children don’t have that opportunity except when they are with you.  They are immersed in her world. The time with you is your chance to teach them the skills which got you through it. You needed resilience, self love, self control, a strong self image, support, determination and courage.  When your ex tries to push your buttons, you have an opportunity to show your children how to use self control and be strong in knowing who you are and how you behave. They will learn so much from that. They are looking to you all the time for help with this. 

    If you don’t yet feel confident in managing your ex and yourself around them, I strongly recommend getting some support to bolster up those skills.
  • Remove the drama
    Your life with the narcissist was full of drama and chaos because that is the environment the narcissist loves to create.  They can control others when they are disorientated by the chaos. Now you are away from that, you can focus on creating a peaceful environment, not just for you but for the children as well.  Children get carried away and lost in drama, it impacts their development, self esteem and academic achievement. On the opposite side of that, they thrive in a loving, nurturing, safe and calm environment. 

    Take a good look at your life and your friends and family.  Are they always caught up in the next drama or do they live a quiet and happy life?  Remove as much of the drama as you can. It will help with your recovery and create a safe haven for your children.  Like a lighthouse in the storm.
  • If you have to go to court, be prepared
    The reality is, if you have children with a narcissist you WILL have to go to court.  They want to punish you and what better way that by using the children. They will start by gatekeeping the contact, dictating the rules as to when and where you can see them.  They will begin to cut you out of all areas of their lives: school, after school clubs, your family. Finally they will manipulate the children to reject you (check out our comprehensive guide to How Parental Alienation Is Hurting Your Children to find out more about how this happens).

    It means if you want a relationship with your child, you have to go through Family Court which can perpetuate the abuse.  Every man and his dog will be drawn into the drama, claiming they saw you do x, y and z. Lies will become facts and those trained to protect children, will assist your ex is abusing them.  Narcissists love court because they have developed a false self designed to dupe and manipulate others. They love the performance in the court arena. You on the other hand just want to get on with your life and have a loving relationship with your children.  Claims of domestic abuse will appear and they will be granted legal aid so that they can use as many delay tactics as they like to keep up this charade. All in the hope of wearing you down so you just disappear. The fact they get to slander your character and destroy you in the process is a bonus to them.

    Going to court against a narcissist isn’t about the law or the facts.  It is about who is best at telling the story and being believed. Now I am not for one second suggesting you become an Oscar winning actor.  But it is important you learn how to put in your best performance. Which is why we developed our Get Court Ready course, designed to give you all the skills, tools and mindset to win this battle.
  • Recognise you may have PTSD
    A relationship with a narcissist is traumatic and stressful and when you have been exposed to it for a lengthy period of time, you can develop PTSD (and complex PTSD).  Symptoms of PTSD are:
    • regularly reliving painful memories, to the extent that you feel as if you are going through it again
    • losing all confidence in yourself and are finding it difficult to adapt to different and new situations
    • developing a chronic illness, anxiety or depression following your relationship with a narcissist
    • feeling numb and unsure of who you really are avoiding people and situations


PTSD can impact your relationship with those you love, including your children and leave you vulnerable to being retriggered by your ex.  Check out our guide to All You Need To Know About PTSD After Narcissistic Abuse.

Female narcissists are dangerous and highly abusive.  Like their male counterparts, they take no prisoners and are hell bent on destroying you.  If they have to take down others, including their own children, so be it.  As far as they are concerned the end justifies the means.  Everyone is collateral damage for them retaining their public persona.  

It’s important we speak out about this.  Men can be victims and women can be abusers.  Awareness is paramount is helping our children to recover and not repeat these cycles.

If you have experienced abuse at the hands of a narcissist and feel comfortable, please do share your thoughts. Or maybe you know someone who is a female narcissist.  Is what I have said accurate in your opinion?  Get involved.

The post CO-PARENTING WITH A NARCISSIST – 13 STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH A FEMALE NARCISSIST appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

Read More –>

domestic abuse prosecutions

Caroline Flack’s Suicide And What It Has Taught Us About Public Attitudes Towards Domestic Abuse

All suicide is tragic.  And this post is not to pass commentary on the who, why, what’s and wherefore’s of what happened leading up to Caroline Flacks actions on Saturday 15th February 2020.  But rather to highlight the realities of what this can teach us about public opinion of domestic abuse and how that can impact decisions for both parties within an abusive relationship.

 

Caroline was going to face court for assault which was domestic abuse as it was an incident between two people in a relationship.  We don’t and can’t know what happened between them. What we do know is that the CPS felt they had enough evidence to take the case to court and it was in the public interest to do so.  For reasons only Caroline herself knows, she took the decision to end her life before getting a fair trial.

 

What I want to do is to look at the public’s reaction to this event and compare it to what I work with on a daily basis.  I am not writing this post to be controversial or jump on the bandwagon. I simply want to highlight that Caroline’s story is one which I work with on a daily basis and so it would be neglectful of my clients to not be a voice for them here..

 

“Just an argument with her boyfriend” 

 

If a person in the street suddenly punched you in the face how would you feel?  Most of us would take issue. So when a person you love does that, what changes?  This is the reality of domestic violence.

 

Domestic abuse is never to be belittled. More than that we can’t possibly understand the dynamics of their relationship because we are not in it. So many people stay in abusive relationships because they fear not being believed.  This type of statement confirms that fear for them.

 

I also fear that this is indicative of gender differences in terms of how domestic abuse is viewed.  There is still a view that only women can be victims of domestic abuse despite the growing evidence that the number of male victims is increasing year on year. This view does nothing to help either gender and completely ignores the many complex reasons domestic abuse occurs.  Having worked in child protection and with domestic abuse charities as well as having personal experience of domestic abuse and coercive control, I understand that chaotic relationships are never as simple as one bad guy, one good guy. When we make those sorts of assumptions, we are missing out on opportunities to take the time to understand. The view of a drunk husband coming home and battering his wife is outdated and society’s view needs to change too.

 

“ITV didn’t sack Ant McPartlin and Geoffrey Boycott got an OBE”

 

In the interest of a balanced discussion, I do want to address the perceived difference in the treatment Caroline received compared to these male counterparts.  I do think that ITV had a duty to act following her arrest but my understanding is that Caroline herself stepped down. What would have happened had she been found guilty (as McPartlin and Boycott were) we will never know.  However, I would like to make the point that people are more than one act. Ant and Geoffrey are well respected in their fields, they are friends and sons and husbands, and I personally do not feel that one incident detracts from that.  I understand their crimes are serious but if we wrote people off and effectively erased their achievements when they fuck up, are we not sending a clear message that suicide IS the only answer? Perhaps this is how Caroline felt. That this would haunt her forever.  I personally would like to believe that she would have been shown the same amount of forgiveness and acceptance as these men. But we will never know now.

 

What is the right solution in these situations? There is a petition calling for it to be a criminal offence for the British Press to “knowingly and relentlessly bully a person, whether they be in the public eye or not, up to the point that they take their own life” in the wake of this. I do understand why people feel the press played a part but I also think it is important to remember that there are so many different factors involved in why someone takes their own life and it would be almost impossible for it to be proven that the actions of the press “caused” the actions of an individual.  That takes away personal responsibility and choice. The press does have a duty to report and people do read these stories in papers and magazines. It’s hard to argue which came first – the story or the desire of the public to read about it.  

 

Also domestic abuse is a behaviour which has many different causes.  Just as any behaviour does. Is the woman who killed her children because she was mentally ill more or less guilty than the man who killed a child in a hit and run because he was over the legal limit for alcohol but was drinking because he was mentally ill?  Usually when there is socially unacceptable behaviour (murder, rape, domestic abuse, assault) there is some form of mental health issue. Understanding that can help with treatment and more importantly prevention. The same with suicide. If we simplify the reasons for someone taking their lives, we are likely to miss the answer to how to prevent this moving forward.

 

Finally public perception of crime is not always based on fact but on emotion and Caroline’s story is very emotive.  Because you felt like you knew her. But punishment is objective. Based on facts. And we simply do not know all of the facts so therefore it is impossible to propose a punishment.  In many ways, the public change in perception of individuals involved in these cases is a significant punishment in itself. Having people, strangers, making judgements about you, is incredibly painful. On top of that, it changes how they view themselves.  Many abusers exhibit very low self esteem and high self loathing which can cause or exacerbate mental health problems. The same is true for victims.  

 

“Ex has blood on his hands”

 

Again we don’t know what went on but if Lewis Burton was hit on the head during a row he is a victim and blaming the victim for the actions of the perpetrator is unacceptable. So many victims get told that they must have done something to deserve it.  Both by society, friends, professionals and their ex. They are constantly made to feel that they are in some way to blame. If they just hadn’t done or said X, Y or Z. Even if Lewis did do or say something wrong, no-one deserves to be abused. Guilt is often what keeps people in relationships.  Victims can feel like they haven’t done enough to help. That they must be the problem because they aren’t like it with anyone else. “Everyone else thinks they are wonderful so it must be me.” Part of their journey to recovery is accepting that we are all responsible for our own actions. The abuser is responsible for theirs.  Letting go of the need to rescue them and accept all responsibility can be hard. It’s a conditioned behaviour, often from childhood, and many victims believe that in order for them to receive love, they must please others. If someone isn’t pleased, it must be their fault. It’s a vicious cycle but one that can be broken. 

 

The reasons people make these decisions are complex and usually multifaceted. It is impossible to say it was the exes fault, the media’s fault, ITV’s fault or anyone else for that matter.  Only Caroline knows why she felt this was the best option.But she isn’t alone in this. Around one-in-eight of all suicides and suicide attempts by women in the UK are due to domestic abuse according to statistics (The Guardian May 2019).  A Cambridge research programme in A&E found that women who self-harmed were 75 times more likely to have suffered partner abuse  and men who self-harmed were over twice as likely to have suffered partner abuse. The psychological toll of domestic abuse is extremely high. 

 

90% of people who die by suicide have a mental health condition at the time of their death

 

In the work I do, many abusers, particularly those with abandonment issues, use the threat of suicide to keep their victims from leaving.  Suicide can be, and I am not saying it is in this situation, but it can be the ultimate act of control and manipulation. Leaving the victim with the guilt. 

 

The point I am making in all of this is that to blame one person (or entity) ignores the many different factors which influence someone’s decision to take their own life.  We don’t know what risk factors Caroline experienced, or understand her view of herself or her resilience or her support networks. There are just too many unknowns to simply say it is down to one thing and one thing alone.  If we hope to prevent suicide, it’s important we understand this.

 

“He didn’t want to pursue the charges” 

 

This is so common because victims are fearful and so they return to the abuser, begging police not to press charges for fear of the repercussions.  It takes a lot of courage to go through with pursuing charges. The victim may not be ready to end the relationship or may feel pressure from family, friends and the abuser to drop the charges.  The reality here is that IF Caroline did abuse Lewis, she was facing losing her career and reputation. The guilt of that could have been too much for Lewis or perhaps Caroline put pressure on him to drop the charges.  We simply do not know. But his behaviour is not uncommon.

 

domestic abuse prosecutions

More than 160,000 victims of domestic violence in England withdrew their support for charges against their abusers in 2016 (The Independent, 2017)

 

(source: The Daily Mail)

 

Lord Ken McDonald, former director of public prosecutions stated:

‘Most of the pressure groups around domestic violence are very voluble in saying the CPS should be building cases that don’t rely just on victim testimony.’ 

 

We could therefore assume that there must have been sufficient evidence from other sources for the CPS to be going ahead with a trial.  If we, as a society, want to tackle domestic abuse, we have to be consistent with our approach.  

 

“Innocent until proven guilty” 

 

I absolutely agree that this should be our stance on issues where we have no first hand experience of what went on.  But the reality is that we live in a society where people need an answer when something they are struggling to comprehend happens.  And the media feeds into that. The truth is we’re not very good at figuring out the causes of other people’s behavior and, as humans, it’s our default to always look for a cause.  Blaming someone else is an easy solution to both of these.  

 

Unless you have witnessed the abuse first hand, it is impossible to know the truth of a situation no matter how much you think you know the person/people involved.  Many abusive people use others to spread the false allegations and, in the work I do, engage police, domestic abuse charities, social services and court to further punish their ex. In my own situation, I only ever talked publicly about the abuse I experienced and reported, not what I was told from others.  As observers, it is easy to get caught up in the experience. Someone tells you their side of the story, encourages you to sympathise with them and before long you are sharing the story with your friends and family.  

 

False allegations are seemingly on the rise and can be incredibly damaging to someone’s life.  Once an allegation is made, it seems to obtain a life of its own, shared amongst family and friends, employers, police, teachers.  With court cases taking months to reach trial, it can put an enormous burden on the individual accused when the allegations are false.  People judging them without knowing the whole story and coming to conclusions about the type of person they must be. When their are children involved, it can lead to them having contact stopped.  So imagine that you had a row with your partner or ex, you find yourself called into the police station being accused of assault or domestic abuse, you try to tell your side of the story but are instead handed a non-molestation order and ordered to stay away from your ex and the children.  Your employer finds out, they suspend you and now you have no income. You could lose your job, your home and your children. Your friends try to be supportive but you can see they are looking at you differently. Your family are getting stick from their neighbours and the community. The children get referred to professionals so they can talk about it.  How would that feel? Seeing your whole life flipped upside down. Cut off from your children and ostracised by your employer, friends and sometimes family. This is parental alienation and it’s easy to see why suicide becomes a valid option.  

 

If one good thing comes out of this tragedy, wouldn’t it be nice if we all were able to respect the “innocent until proven guilty” rhetoric?

 

Final thoughts

 

Everyone views this from a different perspective. Caroline came across as being a “girl next door” kind of character. Everyone appeared to like her and she was very relatable.  Perhaps you could imagine yourself being friends with her or even felt that she was a lot like you. It can be really hard to then accept that she is capable of hurting another person because it would make you question your own view of yourself.  If she can do something like this, could you? It may therefore be easier to minimize the behaviour or even justify it. It’s perfectly natural and is a sign of empathy. However, true empathy is when we can see the situation from all sides and still be compassionate.

 

From another perspective, if you have experienced domestic abuse, you may feel angry with all the sympathy Caroline is receiving.  If you have had allegations made against you which were false, you may feel incredibly sympathetic towards her as you recognise in yourself how close you have come to suicide.  If your family member has chosen to end their life, you may feel guilty and even angry that she didn’t turn to someone for help. 

 

What we can learn

 

Caroline’s story (or what we know) is complex.  Domestic abuse is complex. Mental Health is complex. Suicide is complex. The response to her story is very indicative of many views held by society which is what I was seeking to address.  

 

The key points which I think we can learn are:

 

  1. Domestic abuse is rarely “just an argument” and belittling violence into those terms is dangerous.
  2. Men and women can be victims of domestic abuse – one in four women, one in 6 men are reported to be victims
  3. People are more than their mistakes and if we fail to see that are we advocating for suicide?
  4. The press has a duty to report and the public consumes the information. If you disagree with this type of reporting, think about how you consume information yourself and how you can make changes
  5. Mental health is misunderstood and there is still a stigma around it.  The more we understand it, the better we are equipped to deal with ourselves, others and the inevitable difficulties which crop up in life
  6. Rather than looking to blame anyone, focus on understand the reasons behind it
  7. Victim shaming and blaming is never OK
  8. Mental health, domestic abuse and suicide are inextricably linked.  We need to understand each individually as well as how they impact one another to prevent more tragedies
  9. We need a consistent approach to dealing with domestic abuse
  10. We should all assume innocent until proven guilty, regardless of our feelings on the matter
  11. Empathy and compassion is so important

 

My personal hope is that Caroline’s tragic death has opened the door to having real conversations about domestic abuse in households across the UK and abroad as well as within parliament buildings. This is where change will come and hopefully change lives and opinions. 

 

What’s your thoughts on this situation and domestic abuse? Have you experienced anything similar?

 

The post Caroline Flack’s Suicide And What It Has Taught Us About Public Attitudes Towards Domestic Abuse appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

Read More –>

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS FAKE

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS FAKE (apparently)

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS FAKE

This article was published in January 2020 following a research article by Dr Adrianne Barnett. I have taken my time in writing a response because it is a complex issue and I didn’t want to react with my emotions rather than my head.

I want to start by saying that I do agree that parental alienation can be used by abusive parents to obtain more access and control over their ex and the children. That in a nutshell is what parental alienation is.  The issue I find with this article is the misrepresentation of the facts and a clear misunderstanding of what parental alienation really is.

DOMESTIC ABUSEFirstly, women can be victims of parental alienation as well as men and so the assumption made in this statement is completely unhelpful to both genders.  I have worked with mothers, fathers, grandparents, step parents, aunties and uncles and even siblings who have been alienated.  Abuse is not gender specific and statistics can be fudged. Turning it into men v women greatly distorts the abuse dynamic and shows the author has no understanding of family systems and personality disorders. 

Secondly, it is rarely in cases where one parent has “won custody”. In the cases I have worked with, it is usually cited by a parent during the custody battle where one parent is restricting access to the children.  The very language of “mothers who have won custody” is detrimental to a child’s welfare. They are not a prize to be won. They are children who deserve to have a relationship with both parents. Having worked in child protection, children rarely reject their parents. Even abusive ones. In fact they often crave their love more as they have internalised that it must be them who has done something wrong and so want to win back approval.

So-called “parental alienation”

The quotation marks really wind me up here!  And shows the author has done no research into exactly what parental alienation is.  Denying that it exists is an insult to every mother, father, grandparent and child who has experienced this and shows a real bias in the authors work.  Research papers should look at the issue as a whole, not just the one sided approach Dr Barnett appears to have taken. DO YOUR RESEARCH!

ALLEGATIONS OF ABUSEPractice 12J and the Fact Finding hearings were introduced to ensure that due diligence was done in cases where domestic abuse allegations are made.  In addition to that, police would have done their own investigations and where no evidence was found, No Further Action (NFA) was recorded. “Evidence” of domestic abuse cannot be provided where there was no domestic abuse.  Repeated NFA’s would indicate a pattern of false allegations and it is THIS PATTERN which is used as evidence to indicate parental alienation.

Parental alienation is not an equal counterpart to domestic abuse, it is a means of obscuring domestic abuse, and should be recognised as such”. Dr Adrianne Barnett

Actually Dr Barnett, parental alienation IS domestic abuse.  It is all about power and control. One parent simply refusing to allow the child to have a relationship with the other parent.

abusive fathers

Well this just takes the biscuit and proves to me the ill-informed, biased and dangerous stance taken by the author.

There are thousands of parents who are currently having no contact with their children due to allegations of abuse. Men who are accused of being violent and controlling, women who are accused of being mentally unstable and neglectful. To say that allegations are “frequently filtered out” goes against all the experiences of these people. And it is, to be quite frank, insulting. 

Domestic abuse is such a complex issue.  This article seems to imply that only men are capable of it. It also ignores the evidence that domestic abuse allegations have increased since the restrictions on legal aid were introduced meaning making an allegation of domestic abuse has financial rewards.  

However, it is true that many abusive parents will claim alienation rather than estrangement.  This article doesn’t even mention the difference. In fact this article is so women focused that children aren’t even given centre stage! 

Both men and women are victims of parental alienation.  But the truth in all of this is that CHILDREN ARE THE VICTIMS. Perhaps the author should have taken the time to speak to some of them before writing off this horrendous child abuse.

What are your thoughts?  I am interested in hearing from you about your experiences.

Are you heading to court with your ex and concerned that this narrative will impact your case?

 

Check out our specialist programme, GET COURT READY, to give you the tools to overcome the bias and rewrite the narrative

The post PARENTAL ALIENATION IS FAKE (apparently) appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

Read More –>

Damning New “Research” into Parental Alienation

Damning New “Research” into Parental Alienation

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS FAKE

This article was published in January 2020 following a research article by Dr Adrianne Barnett. I have taken my time in writing a response because it is a complex issue and I didn’t want to react with my emotions rather than my head.

I want to start by saying that I do agree that parental alienation can be used by abusive parents to obtain more access and control over their ex and the children. That in a nutshell is what parental alienation is.  The issue I find with this article is the misrepresentation of the facts and a clear misunderstanding of what parental alienation really is.

DOMESTIC ABUSEFirstly, women can be victims of parental alienation as well as men and so the assumption made in this statement is completely unhelpful to both genders.  I have worked with mothers, fathers, grandparents, step parents, aunties and uncles and even siblings who have been alienated.  Abuse is not gender specific and statistics can be fudged. Turning it into men v women greatly distorts the abuse dynamic and shows the author has no understanding of family systems and personality disorders. 

Secondly, it is rarely in cases where one parent has “won custody”. In the cases I have worked with, it is usually cited by a parent during the custody battle where one parent is restricting access to the children.  The very language of “mothers who have won custody” is detrimental to a child’s welfare. They are not a prize to be won. They are children who deserve to have a relationship with both parents. Having worked in child protection, children rarely reject their parents. Even abusive ones. In fact they often crave their love more as they have internalised that it must be them who has done something wrong and so want to win back approval.

So-called “parental alienation”

The quotation marks really wind me up here!  And shows the author has done no research into exactly what parental alienation is.  Denying that it exists is an insult to every mother, father, grandparent and child who has experienced this and shows a real bias in the authors work.  Research papers should look at the issue as a whole, not just the one sided approach Dr Barnett appears to have taken. DO YOUR RESEARCH!

ALLEGATIONS OF ABUSEPractice 12J and the Fact Finding hearings were introduced to ensure that due diligence was done in cases where domestic abuse allegations are made.  In addition to that, police would have done their own investigations and where no evidence was found, No Further Action (NFA) was recorded. “Evidence” of domestic abuse cannot be provided where there was no domestic abuse.  Repeated NFA’s would indicate a pattern of false allegations and it is THIS PATTERN which is used as evidence to indicate parental alienation.

Parental alienation is not an equal counterpart to domestic abuse, it is a means of obscuring domestic abuse, and should be recognised as such”. Dr Adrianne Barnett

Actually Dr Barnett, parental alienation IS domestic abuse.  It is all about power and control. One parent simply refusing to allow the child to have a relationship with the other parent.

abusive fathers

Well this just takes the biscuit and proves to me the ill-informed, biased and dangerous stance taken by the author.

There are thousands of parents who are currently having no contact with their children due to allegations of abuse. Men who are accused of being violent and controlling, women who are accused of being mentally unstable and neglectful. To say that allegations are “frequently filtered out” goes against all the experiences of these people. And it is, to be quite frank, insulting. 

Domestic abuse is such a complex issue.  This article seems to imply that only men are capable of it. It also ignores the evidence that domestic abuse allegations have increased since the restrictions on legal aid were introduced meaning making an allegation of domestic abuse has financial rewards.  

However, it is true that many abusive parents will claim alienation rather than estrangement.  This article doesn’t even mention the difference. In fact this article is so women focused that children aren’t even given centre stage! 

Both men and women are victims of parental alienation.  But the truth in all of this is that CHILDREN ARE THE VICTIMS. Perhaps the author should have taken the time to speak to some of them before writing off this horrendous child abuse.

What are your thoughts?  I am interested in hearing from you about your experiences.

Are you heading to court with your ex and concerned that this narrative will impact your case?

 

Check out our specialist programme, GET COURT READY, to give you the tools to overcome the bias and rewrite the narrative

The post Damning New “Research” into Parental Alienation appeared first on The Nurturing Coach.

Read More –>

How To Rebuild Your Life After Narcissistic Abuse (No Matter How Much You’ve Lost)

How To Rebuild Your Life After Narcissistic Abuse (No Matter How Much You’ve Lost)

 

There are so many losses after narcissistic abuse.  It can be daunting to lose yourself, your health, family and friends as well as resources and finances.

Today, I share how to rebuild your self, health, important relationships and financial prosperity after narcissistic abuse.

Regardless of how old you are, how damaged you feel, how much you have lost and even if you believe that recovery and rebuild is impossible.

I promise you it is possible when you know how.

 

 

Video Transcript

Losses are extreme with narcissistic abuse.

Loss of health, life force, resources, prosperity, and the energy, inspiration and hope to go forward and generate a new future.

I know how devastating this is, and I promise you I’ve been there on all these levels.

However, I want you to know there is a way to rebuild your life after narcissistic abuse. Myself, and so many others in this Thriver Community have achieved this spectacularly, against all odds and even despite so-called unhealable medical diagnoses.

By watching this video hopefully, I can inspire you to know that there is a wonderful life available for you after narcissistic abuse, no matter how much you have lost.

Today, we are going to look deeply at the different losses and how you can rebuild from them.

But before we do, I’d like to thank all of you who have supported the Thriver mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet, please do. Also make sure that you hit the like button, and if you enjoy this video, share with others who you know it can help.

Okay so on to this episode!

 

Loss Of Self

After narcissistic abuse it is usual to feel like you’ve lost your life-force and your well-being.
You may even believe your life is over, and can’t imagine what it would feel like to be normal or healthy again.

Of course, initially we want things to change in our circumstances, such as the narcissist to be held accountable, or for some good fortune to turn everything around, or even for a wonderful person to come into our life to pick us up and save us from all of this trauma and devastation.

Maybe you just want to wake up from the nightmare that has become your life.

But the truth is no one is coming, and your Inner Being, which is the foundational basis of your entire life, is waiting for you to turn inwards and be your own rescuer.

And of course, initially you feel like you don’t have the health, sanity or inner resources to save yourself.

Yet, the total irony is we can’t recover and rebuild ourselves until we do turn inwards with the intention to be our own saviour.

Self-partnering is vital.

In fact, it’s crucial.

And the reason it is, is because it puts you back inside your body.

You may think that the anxiety, depression and trauma is a result of what has happened to you. Yes it is, however, it is continuing and not being resolved, if you don’t turn inwards to meet these conditions and heal yourself back to wholeness.

That is exactly what self-partnering is about, and it is the very first essential step of Thriver Recovery. In fact, it’s what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is all about – learning how to turn inwards to find, load up, and release all of the trauma that is generating your trauma and abuse symptoms, and replacing this with your Highest Source, which creates the shift to heal you.

This process can’t happen without self-partnering.

As a result of self-partnering, you will organically start shifting into the knowing that you are lovable and worthy, and as an adult capable of generating your own security and survival.

This is when the prior abuse trauma from the narcissist and the narcissist’s attempts to derail and terrorise you will all melt away.

I promise you that these capacities don’t come from outside of you, they need to be healed up from inside of you.

By doing so you will evolve beyond the fractures, trauma, and anxiety of having handed your power away to abusive people who did not have your best interests at heart.

 

Loss Of People

Inevitably, as a result of narcissistic abuse, relationships in your life may get smashed to pieces.

It is horrifying how narcissists have the ability to smear you, discredit you and turn people in your life against you. You may have lost family members, friends, associates and maybe even been alienated from your own children.

I know that this is beyond cruel, and my heart goes out to you if you have experienced these dreadful things.

And I really want to inspire you to know that staying stuck in the terrible trauma and victimisation will only mean that these circumstances can’t shift in your life.

It is completely understandable why you would be stuck in these feelings, and I totally validate you in that place, but there is a much more effective solution and way to deal with this.

With myself, and so many other people that I have helped achieve true healing with NARP, we discovered that when we released the trauma of these terrible injustices, smearing and alienation that we suffered, our Inner Being shifted, and then the outer started to shift to match this.

This is how powerful we are – we are Quantum Creators from the inside out.

People come back. The narcissist gets caught out. Loved ones return.

All sorts of miracles happen. I promise you this with all my heart.

There are numerous people in this community who have been reunited with people and their children who they were alienating from (some for decades), as a result of letting go of all the pain, resentment and heartbreak with NARP modules.

The complete and utter irony is, when you are at peace and only feel love in your heart without pain regardless of the outer circumstances, that’s when the outer circumstances powerfully shift.

This is the secret to changing our life, including our most important relationships. When we use Quantum Tools to achieve this, it becomes powerfully possible.

 

Health Losses

So many of us have been devastated by terrible health conditions as a result of narcissistic abuse. Trauma creates this. Eventually, not just your emotions break down, but also your physical being.

I know so many people, myself included, who were given shocking diagnoses as a result of the breakdowns of narcissistic abuse. So many of us were told that our emotional, adrenal, or mental breakdowns as well as PTSD, fibromyalgia, adrenal malfunctions and nervous system disorders, such as agoraphobia, could never be truly healed and at best, we could only hope to manage them with medication and strategies.

This is not true recovery; this is simply trying to exist with the trauma generated symptoms of abuse still active within you.

Now myself, and so many others, know that there is a true recovery solution for our abuse symptoms. Namely, releasing the trauma from within your Inner Being that is generating these symptoms.

When you do this, you allow well being to enter the space where the dis-ease once was, and you have the ultimate potential to get well.

Maybe, even more well than you have been in your entire life, even before abuse.

This is the resurrection that is totally possible for you … truly.

Myself and so many others have achieved this, fully. We no longer suffer any narcissistic abuse trauma symptoms.

 

Financial Losses

A big part of narcissistic abuse is financial abuse. It is a widespread devastation in this Community.

So many people ask, “How DO I get over the financial abuse?”, “How can I leave when I am financially dependent on the narcissist?” and “How will I ever rebuild my life again?”

Financial abuse can be a dreadful injury in our life, and I promise you it was initially a massive challenge for me. Originally, I just wanted to somehow get up off the ground and rebuild what I lost. But the more I tried to do that, without facing my inner healing, the more powerless I felt.

I just didn’t have what it took to get up and get going again, and I wasn’t meant to. Because the time had come where I needed to deeply investigate and heal the reasons why I had suffered such financial devastation at the hands of abusers.

Something incredible happened when I started to clean that up. I felt relief, I felt wholeness inside that was no longer reliant on me having to have a certain thing or be a certain way.

It was just an organic peace. And from that place, with newly formed and anchored-in belief systems regarding my ability to be a generator of prosperity, with all of the healthy components of life, I started to blossom.

I was able to start actualising a rebuild from complete and total financial devastation. Solutions and assistance came. Support came. Opportunities and synchronicity and even miracles started entering my life granting me the abundance that I was already feeling in regard to loving and accepting myself unconditionally, regardless of what I did or didn’t have in my life.

I have seen so many Thrivers in this community rebuild their lives financially after narcissistic abuse, as a result of releasing and healing their internal financial traumas with NARP.

Many of these people were in midlife and beyond. Some of them had not worked for decades, and were even left with zero finances or shocking debt as a result of the abuse.

Yet, they were able to come back in ways and timeframes that were astounding, once the trauma was released and Life Force, in abundance, was able to flow through them as them.

And I know, as a result of deeply working on your Inner Being with my Quantum Tools in NARP, that you will have exactly the same opportunity to turn it all around.

 

How Our Losses Are Deeply Interconnected

I completely and utterly believe that a relationship with self, health, others, and finances is all deeply interconnected.

To holistically become healthy, whole, self-generative and flourished and nourished by Life Force itself, as well as being able to abundantly expand and express our mission and purpose on this planet, all of these areas of our life require our inner attention.

These are the four areas that we commonly experience grave loss in as a result of narcissistic abuse, and the good news is that we can directly address them to heal them beyond description.

You see, there is an incredible radical compensation that occurs after narcissistic abuse, when we turn inwards, to claim and activate the healing of Self. What wasn’t right, resets to becoming healthier than we could ever imagine in our wildest dreams.

That is the Thriver Way!

And I can’t wait for this to be your Thriver reality as well.

If this is what you want for you, take the stand with me by pausing this video and writing below “It is my time to reclaim my self, soul and life!”

Okay, so now, you can check out my NARP program, that will activate deep healing for you, by clicking this link.

If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love you to please do it, so that you will be notified about each new episode when it is released.

Please also share this video with the people who you know have experienced terrible loss as a result of narcissistic abuse. The people who you know need hope and a solution.

And as always I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

Read More –>

gatekeeper mom

4 Reasons To Avoid Being a Gatekeeper Mom Trap During Divorce

gatekeeper mom

 

Do you find yourself having difficulty letting go and relaxing about what your children do while they are with their other parent? Focusing too much on your children’s time or activities at your ex’s house can potentially damage your relationship with them and undermine their connection with both parents. When a parent communicates anxiety and becomes too vigilant about custody exchanges (or parenting time) they may be taking on the role of a gatekeeper.

What is a gatekeeper mom?

According to child custody expert Robert Beilin, P.h.D., a gatekeeper is a term  often used in a negative way to describe how parents (usually a mother) attempts to control their children’s time with the other parent. Since traditionally mothers tend to be gatekeepers, this article will focus on mothers but the term could apply to fathers as well.

According to author Kerri Kettle, the term “gatekeeper” is generally brought up in child custody cases. Kettle, an attorney, advises mothers to beware of being a gatekeeper and to avoid adversarial interactions with their ex. After all, it could lead to additional legal costs and have a negative impact on children. She writes, “If you think you might be acting a little like a gatekeeper, try saying “yes” more often than saying “no” for a while. Start with something small, like giving up a few hours of your custodial time for a special occasion or simply not asking questions about what happened at their dad’s house.” She also advises parents that they will save legal fees by being a cooperative co-parent.

Let’s face it, it’s easy to see how a parent could slip into the gatekeeper role. After my divorce, I had trouble adjusting to our co-parenting schedule and I found myself overly concerned about what my children did when they were with their father and the amount of time they spent with him. It took several years for me to realize that this was my way of trying to gain control over the situation. While I never did anything consciously to sabotage my children’s relationship with their dad, my questions, and concerns about their activities with him didn’t demonstrate confidence in our parenting plan.

Further, children have a way of sensing tension and worry and so a mother’s fear or concerns about time spent away from her may be a red flag that heightens their anxiety. Without awareness, a parent could be bringing undue stress on your children without intending to. My research shows that the two variables that had the most negative impact on children of divorce into adulthood were limiting their access to both parents and experiencing high conflict between their parents post-divorce.

A crucial aspect of healing after divorce is realizing that you can’t control what goes on with your ex and so need to respect the decisions that he makes regarding his time with your children.  You can’t change him and are wise to let go of unrealistic expectations. For instance, you might not approve of him taking your eight-year-old to a movie rated PG 13 – but in the end, it’s not going to make or break their emotional development. So it wouldn’t hurt to simply let it slide sometimes.

On the other hand, if you have legitimate concerns about activities that your kids participate in with their father, it’s a good idea to send him a friendly, business-like e-mail expressing your concerns. Divorce expert Rosalind Seddacca CCT writes, “If you’re intent on creating a child-centered divorce that strives for harmony between you and your ex, you need to initiate the conversation and model win-win solutions. If your ex doesn’t want to cooperate, that’s when your patience will certainly be tested. Look for opportunities to clarify why working together as co-parents as often as possible will create far better outcomes for your children.”

Eileen Coen, an attorney, and trained mediator states that one reason mothers tend to be gatekeepers is that trust is often lost in a marriage. Other reasons cited by Coen are economic and a lack of confidence in their ex’s parenting skills. However, she cautions us that on-going conflict between parents is the primary reason why mothers are gatekeepers – making it virtually impossible to have adequate, healthy parenting time with their children.

Studies show that kids benefit from access to both parents. There is evidence that cooperative co-parenting actually reduces conflict between divorced parents – which has a beneficial impact on children into adulthood. Scheduling appropriate parenting time for both parent’s post-divorce and keeping lines of communication positive can be a challenge but it’s paramount to building resiliency in your children. When a parent takes on the role of gatekeeper, they communicate discomfort and anxiety to their children and diminish their sense of belongingness with both parents.

Joan Kelly, a renowned researcher who has conducted decades-long studies on divorce, found that the more involved fathers are post-split, the better off the outcomes for children. Children benefit from strong relationships with both parents post-divorce. According to Linda Nielsen, author of Between Fathers and Daughters, the child’s relationship with their father is often the one that changes the most after marital dissolution. Sadly, Dr. Nielsen notes that only 15% of fathers and daughters enjoy the benefits of shared parenting.

There are many compelling reasons why mothers are wise to encourage their children to have strong bonds with their father post-divorce. Studies show that these reasons include: Better grades and social skills, healthy emotional development, higher self-esteem, and fewer trust issues. Lowered self-esteem and trust wounds are especially a concern for girls who may be more vulnerable to the breakup of the family home because they are socialized to be nurturers and caretakers. Your kids may also have better access to extended family members and therefore intergenerational support if they spend close to equal time with both parents.

Here are 4 Reasons to avoid the gatekeeper trap:

1. Your children will gain trust in both parents and feel more confident about their relationships with both of you.

2. You will build trust in your ex’s ability to effectively parent your children.

3. There’s a possibility you’ll have the added benefit of more leisure time – when you can relax and worry less about your children’s well-being.

4. You’ll create a new story for your life built on reclaiming your personal power rather than letting your divorce define who you are or the choices you make.

Focusing your energy on what’s going on in your home and encouraging your children to have a healthy connection with their father will pay off in the long run. Another important reason to avoid being a gatekeeper is to respect your child’s and ex-spouse’s boundaries. When your children are with your ex, honor their time together and try not to plan activities or partake in excessive communication with the other parent (phone, text, etc.). Since parental conflict is a factor that contributes greatly to negative outcomes for children after divorce, keeping disagreements to a minimum is a key aspect of helping your child become resilient. You owe it to yourself and your children to avoid playing the role of a gatekeeper.

More From Terry:

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter,  Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com

The post 4 Reasons To Avoid Being a Gatekeeper Mom Trap During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

Should I Talk To My Kids About Narcissism? Q&A with Melanie and Zac

Should I Talk To My Kids About Narcissism? Q&A with Melanie and Zac

 

If you are a parent struggling with helping your children after your narcissistic abuse situation, then I can’t recommend this episode enough.

Within it, you will learn what to tell your children, how to empower them and even how to help reunite with them if they have been smeared against you or alienated away from you.

My heart goes out to every parent suffering with co-parenting with a narcissist or trying to repair the damage that happened to their children after one.

It is Zac’s and my greatest desire, today, that this Q and A, offers you key tools to not just ease the pain, but truly overcome every fear, challenge, and heartbreak you have suffered with your children – just as Zac and I have together.

 

 

Video Transcript

Melanie: Welcome to Thriver TV, the place to break free from narcissistic abuse with quantum tools and understandings. And today we’ve got a very special episode because this is a first-ever Thriver TV with my son Zac. And for those of you who don’t know Zac, Zac is my son and he is also the CEO of MTE. So welcome Zac.

Zac: Thanks mum. It’s so great to be here. It’s so great to finally be on Thriver TV, and hello.

Melanie: I know a lot of people have been asking for Zac and this is it, he’s finally doing it. It’s so good, and we’re both so excited about this episode because we’re going to be answering your questions that were posted on Instagram and Facebook a few days ago about how to help your children heal after being through a relationship with a narcissist. And one of our beautiful Thriver members requested this show so this is why we’re doing it. And we’ve had some amazing questions come through from so many of you and I’m so excited to share these answers with you. Now, just before we get into this show, I wanted to quickly tell you that we are running my premier abuse recovery workshop in capital cities in Australia in early December. If you’re an Aussie or you can get to Australia in December, I would love to see you there. Information and tickets can be found at the link at the top right. All right, so we’re going to start off with our first question, which is one from Instagram. So what have you got there Zac?

Zac: Yeah, so Restoring Hope Again on Instagram asks, “How do I co-parent with a narcissist, but try to make sure my son isn’t mentally abused, taken advantage of, lied to, et cetera. How do I also combat the lies that the narcissistic father tells my son? My son is only four and his dad and I have been separated for two years, but I have so much anxiety about how my son’s narcissistic father will affect him. Thank you for what you do and I hope you can help.”

Melanie: Okay, so all right. This is what I say to every parent who is co-parenting with a narcissist. The first thing that you need to do is do the deep, constant healing work on yourself. Because the truth is you can’t change a narcissist and what they’re doing, and the lies and the smearing, and the abuse and the manipulation. And the more that you actually try to combat that from a place of feeling traumatized by it, the worse it will escalate and the worse it will affect your child. And this causes so many problems. So when you heal you and you get centred and empowered and you’re able to start parallel parenting, which is a part of what we teach in the NARP community, and we also teach you how to not get triggered and traumatized, you start taking your power back and you set a very powerful template for your child to follow your example.

Melanie: And even at a very early age, children follow this example powerfully. Our most successful parallel parenting people in our community are not trying to combat a narcissist on a head level and on a strategy level, they’re actually healing and diffusing all of the triggers and the traumas within themselves so that you can be solid and centred and powerful for your child regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing. So then what happens is the child will start feeling settled and calm because where you go, they go. They will start to pick up the difference and they will start to, even at a young age, they will see who to gravitate to and who not to gravitate to, and the narcissist will stop the games. You will see that happen as well. So I cannot suggest it enough, look up parallel parenting and look at the NARP program. It’s essential for people that are co-parenting so that you can do it effectively. I really hope that helps.

Zac: Okay, so I’ve got the next question from Instagram. Korean Atopy asks, “So Zac’s father was the narc whose covert abuse almost killed Mel, right? Has Zac forgiven his dad? Do you guys see him or is he completely out of the picture?” Yeah, so this is the important distinction to make. My father actually was not the narcissist who was in the relationship with Melanie. My father had a relationship with Melanie when I was very young and they split up when I was two years old. So no, the narcissist that was the first relationship that Melanie was married to, we have no contact with and yeah —

Melanie: Never will.

Zac: Never will. I’m very happy for it to stay that way. So I hope that answers that question.

Melanie: And if I can just say it wasn’t quite covert, it was very overt. But yeah, I hope that that’s cleared that up for some people. But I will say though that even though it was Zac’s stepfather, he did create a lot of smearing and alienation where I nearly lost Zac. So yeah, that part of it still played out very powerfully.

Zac: True, very true.

Melanie: Absolutely. Okay, so on to the next question.

Zac: Okay, so the next question is from Facebook. Mary Angel asks or she says, “Thank you so much for this. Here’s my question. My kids are 13 and 11 and they see their dad two or three times a year. When they stay with him for a few days, they come back the following days feeling frustrated, sad, guilty, and also angry at me. Should I talk to them about their dad’s narcissism?”

Melanie: This is such a good question. I’m just going to go straight to it. No, don’t talk about his narcissism to them. Because as soon as you start putting him down and you start saying your father is this, your father is that, what that is going to do is push your children away from you. So what you do need to do is have really good boundaries with them. Don’t overcompensate, because they come back like this and then you’re trying to smooth things over. You want to lead the way powerfully for them. And if they’re feeling guilty or they’re feeling sad or they’re feeling down, bolster them up.

Melanie: Empower them and say things to them like, “You know, I can see that you’re feeling sad or you’re feeling down, but this doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. You know, sometimes people are like this,” and “Or that’s just your father, but that doesn’t have to affect you, because you’re amazing. You’re incredible. There’s so many things that are great about you. Now, let’s just put that aside and we’re going to have a great time. We’re going to have an empowered time. I’m going to have boundaries with you, which means that I don’t accept your poor behaviour or your bad behaviour, but I’m also not saying that you are bad or that there’s something wrong with you.”

Melanie: Where we go, our children follow. And what happens often as parents is, we feel bad for them and we feel sad and we feel guilty and we feel terrible and all that does is exasperate and accentuate what they’re feeling. We want our children to know they can feel empowered and whole regardless of what anybody else is or isn’t doing or being. That’s what we want to teach our children. That’s what thriving and empowerment is about. I really hope that helps.

Zac: Yeah. And if I could just say, really powerfully what you’re saying mum, like when you lead the way, don’t underestimate how smart your children are. When you’re leading the way, when you’re showing them how to be empowered, how to live your life the right way, and they see their father’s behaviour, they’ll quickly see who’s the right one. If you want to say right or wrong, but you know who’s the person they should listen to. They’re a lot smarter, you know, kids are very smart.

Melanie: I agree. Your kids are so smart and so intelligent. You know, they’re not stupid. And they gravitate to what feels good. If we’re being victims and we’re telling them how bad it is for them and how shocking it is and how bad the other parent is, you know, that’s going to push your children away from you every time.

Zac: More likely they’re not going to believe you if you start doing that and they’re going to side with the other one, I think.

Melanie: And it happens all the time. You know? That’s how parent alienation sadly and tragically happens. I hope that can really help you.

Zac: All right, so we’ve got the next question from Ieva on Facebook. Now Ieva was one of the wonderful Thrivers who came and saw us in February in the UK. It was so great meeting you there, Ieva. If you’re watching this …

Melanie: We love Ieva. Hello darling.

Zac: Your question was, “I would like to know more about proxy healing please. Thank you.”

Melanie: Oh, one of my favourite, favourite topics. Proxy healing is something that NARP members can powerfully do and it is phenomenal how powerful it is. Okay. So how it works is in quantum reality our belief systems about somebody affect them incredibly powerfully. And also, we have the ability to work on others through ourselves, because we’re all interconnected as one, especially with our children, whether it be a biological link or even in the case of an adoption, it’s a heart link that is so energetically powerful. So where we shift our beliefs and our DNA to, is where our children follow. I used this with Zac, healing by proxy, when Zac went through an awful phase in his life, in his teenage life where he was on a self-destruction path. I was trying to lecture and prescribe and fix and force him into shape, and the more I did that, the worse things got, which I know a lot of you parents experience with kids of all ages.

Melanie: When I finally let go and I knew the quantum truth, that I have no power to change anybody else. I only ever have the power to change me. I went inside myself with Quanta Freedom Healing with NARP, and I found all of the traumas relating to my trauma about him. And I shifted and I shifted and I shifted, and kept bringing in source until I came into source truth, which is that Zac has an inner being that can awaken into his power and health. That’s a source truth. And when I had hit that place, my fear about him was gone, even though his circumstance was dire. I didn’t know whether my son was going to live or die, it was that bad.

Melanie: Then what I did is I set the intention that I would work on his inner being through my inner being. And with NARP, we can do that. And how you do that is you ask permission to his higher self whether or not I’m allowed to do that. And the answer that I got through muscle test, you can do it through intuition, was a yes. So I got to work on that. Through my body I was able to feel his internal trauma, shift it out and bring in Source. And I did that work for only a few days. And then I hit a place where I felt this calm, peace and warmth for him, through me, as well as the calm I already had through me. And then Zac contacted me —

Melanie: Zac contacted me after three weeks of silence and said to me, “Mum, we need to meet down at the pub and I’ve stopped doing what I’m doing and I love you and I’m so sorry and I’ve seen the light” and he’s never looked back. And that experience has happened for countless parents that are working with this. Because if you see your children as broken, or narcissistic, or damaged or victimized, that’s exactly what they’re going to continue producing for you in your experience.

Melanie: When you change your beliefs and your knowing about your children then you can get to work by proxy working on their inner beings from your inner being, the results are beyond quantum. They are spectacular. They are miraculous. They create miracles every day in the NARP community. And in the NARP forum, we actually teach you how to do that healing by proxy. So if you’re already a thriver, you’ve already created incredible shifts in your life. The next step is you can work on your children by proxy if you want to. So I don’t know if Zac has anything more to add about that. Well, you were on the receiving end of that. You didn’t know I was doing that. You had no idea that I was doing that.

Zac: Yeah, I din’t know it was happening. And then sort of all of a sudden it’s just seeing this change get made and sort of, yeah. It’s sort of almost hard to put into words, but it’s —

Melanie: Something shifted, right?

Zac: Something shifted yeah and new opportunities opened up …

Melanie: Well, it was kind of like, because at 19 when I literally had Zac evicted from the home, things were so bad and I’ll never forget his parting words to me as he left. I mean, we can laugh now. At the time it was the worst. The police were coming in half an hour to take him. That’s how bad it was. And as he was leaving he looked at me, it was the worst day of my life, was worse than my demise, and he said, “The next time we lay eyes on each other is going to be on one of our deathbeds.”… and he said, “Never again are you my mother.” And that’s how he left. Three weeks later we were hugging. He’d stopped doing what he was doing, and had massively turned the corner and I know 1000% it’s because of the healing by proxy. I know that. So there you go. You had no idea at the time. You had no idea. It was a long time ago … we’re talking 11 years ago now that it happened.

Zac: Okay. So I’ve got the next question from Facebook. Amanda asks, “I want to know how’s Zac experienced his mum before she started thriving and then now.” Okay. So yeah, this is probably an experience that I haven’t had a chance to share with everyone on YouTube and you know, across the community. But it is a very important one. I definitely thought she wasn’t going to make it. I thought she was going to be traumatized for the rest of her life. At 16 years of age, I’d accepted that my mum was either going to be in a mental institution or she was going to be driven to her death. I was deeply afraid of him and what he would do, and I thought he was going to harm her and possibly me and other people. It was an extremely difficult time to say the least. The Mel you see now is nothing like she was. She is not the same person that she was back then.

Melanie: Or even before then.

Zac: And I don’t want to say any harsh things because I mean…

Melanie: Oh no, we can be totally honest with each other. For sure.

Zac: But she…

Melanie: I was horrible.

Zac: Yeah. She was a completely different person. You weren’t necessarily horrible. You were honest to me about what was going on and that was … I really appreciated that.

Melanie: Yeah.

Zac: I knew what was going on. You didn’t try and hide anything. You didn’t try and demonize him but you were deeply struggling and you were hooked and addicted. I think maybe that was the really frustrating thing. We wanted to shake you. You know, and I think so many kids want to do this; they want to shake you and say snap out of it, this guy’s going to kill you. You need to get out of it. And you wouldn’t. So you would keep crawling back and seeing him again and again. And it was, you know, seeing your own mother do that and, and I guess, not having a good father, you know, having a father figure in the home that’s destroying your own mother is a really challenging thing to go through.

Melanie: Yeah. And also too, you know, there were a couple of incidences where you tried to protect me and you couldn’t because he was very big and strong and physically threatening. And that was horrific for you. But I know that I went through a lot of guilt because being so dishevelled and when you’re traumatized, you’re not available and you don’t have patience. And I wasn’t there for Zac through a lot of his teenage stuff and growing up and his challenges because I wasn’t even there for myself. So, my heart goes out to a lot of parents because I know the guilt and the pain that you feel. You know, I wasn’t really a mother’s shoelace (effective mother) and it wasn’t my fault. It’s just the way it was.

Zac: It’s never you. It’s never anyone’s fault, you know?

Melanie: No, no, it was just a really hard time for everybody. But it’s nothing like what we have now.

Zac: So, what is Mel like now? Words can’t describe how much she’s just … she’s not the same person. You give her a completely different character because of the person she is today, how she’s able to help change the lives of so many people. I think it’s very apparent how much she’s helping people, that she spends her entire day from the moment she gets up to the moment she goes to bed thinking about how she can help more people. It’s just so inspiring. It’s led the way for me and now we get to do this together. Yeah, I couldn’t be happier to have you as my mum.

Melanie: So sweet. Yeah. That’s so sweet, Zac. Thank you. Well, I know that as we Thrive and commit to releasing trauma and bringing in source, we literally rebirth. We become a new and a true self. So quite frankly, I don’t even recognize the person who I used to be. I’m happy to be a completely different, evolved, forever evolving being because, oh gosh, who I was, wasn’t working. Who I am now, does.

Zac: So the next question on Instagram is from Stockingstyle and her question is, “Zac, at what point did you realize and know for sure that you are thriving?” Now, this is a really good question, actually. For me, thriving isn’t so much a destination as it is a state. It’s something that I’m continually working on. It’s something that I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve arrived at that place and then I’m there. In the early days, like we were just saying, growing up, watching what mum went through, having this figure in the house that was not a good person to be around, it did leave me and as you probably know, if you have children that especially in teenage years or the developing years, I sort of, I didn’t know my place in the world. I didn’t have a supportive figure to sort of help guide me through that period. I felt very lost, alone and really lacked a lot of confidence, so I didn’t sort of have any belief in myself. I didn’t see myself going anywhere and a lot of that had been lost. Maybe I sort of had that at a young age, but now I sort of felt completely lost.

Zac: I think when I recognized that I was starting to thrive or getting into that state of thriving is when I had the self-belief. So when I believed I could actually do something in this world, help people, even do something meaningful, whether it’s a career or a hobby or a passion or just something that I was able to put so much of my energy and focus on and then see results, see something that actually positively impacted people. So the work that I’m doing at MTE, the things I do, how I can help people, that to me is thriving. That to me is living the life that I want to live. And yeah, it’s really getting back to that, that believing yourself, putting yourself into something that you’re passionate about, and then seeing the end result that comes from it.

Melanie: If I can just add here. A long time ago when I started doing the core inner shifts on myself, I set the intention that any shift on my trauma would be passed on to Zac. So he’s been kind of pretty lucky that he hasn’t had to do a lot of healing work on it himself, even though you do. Of course, he does.

Zac: But I do that as well.

Melanie: He does it as well. Absolutely.

Zac: I had an extra boost.

Melanie: You got an extra boost. But what I’ve seen happen so organically is that often when I’ve broken through and reached a confidence and a belief and an inner power, I’ve noticed it happens with him as well. It just happens organically. And I think that’s what’s so wonderful about … quantum theory, they call it the entanglement theory which is connected organisms and cells. When one shifts, the other will reflect the shift regardless of what the distance is between them. And I see it happen with Zac all the time. It’s just beautiful. People report that through the generations backwards and forwards with quantum freedom healing all the time. It’s pretty magical. Maybe that’s got a lot to do with it. I mean, he’s done so much of it himself as well. Absolutely.

Zac: Yeah. There were some long years of doing a lot of the personal work.

Melanie: Yeah. You did. And you really took responsibility and did that, which is fantastic.

Zac: All right, so we’ve got the next question. This is for Mel on Instagram. Honey Ruth asks, “I’m concerned that my 29 year old son is carrying trauma from the 20 years that he was subjected to living this lifestyle with my husband. It almost would appear that he’s acquired the behaviours now, the dark side of him. But I have to save myself and I’m working to help me and I’ve sustained my son to an enabling level. What do I do now?”

Melanie: Yeah. I love what Honey Ruth wrote, what you are saying is that you have to save yourself and you have to focus on you because this is so, so true. If we come back to the quantum premise that you cannot change anybody else, then you only ever have the power to change yourself. So what you’re going to do is change yourself into is a self-honouring, self-loving being where you’re creating boundaries. Where you’re saying to the world and other people, ‘I’m teaching you how to treat me.’ So with these boundaries, what will happen is … and it can be heartbreaking with people we love. But this is where if we enable, as Neale Donald Walsch says about this, ‘to allow an abuser to continue abusing is an act of abuse.’

Melanie: So what he really means by that is that … if we set a truth and a value for ourselves, we give other people the opportunity to move up into a space of being respectful, loving, decent people. And if we don’t, we allow them to continue defiling the integrity of their true self by being an abuser. So you have to do that regardless. Then what you can do, of course I’m always going to say, I would love you to be working with the inner healing powerfully because then what you can do is no longer be triggered, no longer feel guilty and no longer hand over power. To have very clear, calm, truthful boundaries. But also you could be doing the inner and possible proxy work to help de-traumatize his soul, if you have permission to do that work on him. So there’s a lot you can do, but you cannot keep going the way you are of enabling him, because everybody loses. You lose. He loses. Your life and the things and missions and people you love lose as well. I hope that helps.

Zac: Okay, so we’ve got the next question from Instagram. So Cal asks, “I would love to hear from Zac how he felt when he was in the throes of narc abuse and how he translated that hurt into his own life and then what prompted him to start making different decisions and start his healing journey?”

Zac: This is a really good question. Thanks for asking this. There was sort of a period like we spoke about before, the period before Mel had accepted what she was going through and turn inward to start healing herself. Before she did that, she was really difficult, honestly, difficult to be around. I sort of had to separate myself. I had to shut myself off. I didn’t really know boundaries very well back then, but I was trying to just separate myself, go by my own thing. I was in university, I was trying to study and just sort of make my way through the world.

Zac: But when Mel finally turned inward and sort of accepted the journey and started going through it, we connected, you know, we connected, and I saw I could see the change in her. I could see that she wasn’t going to go back to him. And maybe that was part of the frustration that I was hanging onto. When she’d finally let go and when she’d finally turned inwards, taking responsibility for what she was going through, I started to see my mother as a role model again, and we started working together and we would talk about workshops or books I was reading and we spent a lot of time together really working on things together.

Melanie: And I would do healings. Because before then I used to hide things and I used to say, “no, everything’s fine”. And I thought that was the right thing to do, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew I was lying to him. And then when I just came out and I just went, “you know what, I’m broken and I need to heal”. And I was very vulnerable and honest with him, and I’d say, Zac, I’m going to go and do a healing. You’re probably going to hear me wail and cry and do all sorts of things, but it’s perfect because I’m getting my trauma out because I have to get better. And rather than him being really distressed and disgusted by that, I know it gave him a lot of comfort.

Zac: It was inspiring.

Melanie: Yeah. And it really gave him permission to be real with how he was feeling, and to share that with me as well. So we really came together in this authenticity, which helped us both so much.

Zac: Absolutely.

Melanie: Yeah. It was a powerful time. Well, this was your question. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hijack that. Was there anything more you needed to add?

Zac: No, just to really support the honesty. I think it’s just so important. Don’t hide anything away. Just be … I mean it can depend maybe if they’re very young, there’s certain details that obviously you wouldn’t tell a very young child, but you don’t have to tell them everything. But don’t say everything’s okay. I think that sends completely the wrong message.

Mel: True.

Zac: Be very honest, open, be vulnerable. And I think your kids will gravitate towards you and they’ll be inspired by that.

Zac: So our next question from Facebook. Jillian asks, “How can I connect with an alienated 20-year-old who’s convinced I’ve traumatized her? She tells the same to her siblings, although away at uni she’s still a flying monkey. It’s heartbreaking.”

Melanie: Yeah. Jillian, this is like, this happens all the time in the community and it’s one of the things that I really adamantly want to reach out to parents to help you with because I can’t imagine what, it nearly happened to me. I can’t, anyway, Jillian, I just want to say, you have to heal. Quantum law is this, so within, so without. The trauma of being alienated, if you can’t up-level and get yourself free of that in the inside, you’re going to keep receiving that from the outside. That’s the bottom line. This is what happens with so many parents in this community that have been alienated, that when they heal, when they release, when they’ll be able to come to peace, regardless of what’s happening out there, out there has to shift to match in there. It happens all the time.

Melanie: And the other thing about this is, is when we have the injustice of persecution and being smeared and set upon, that’s a huge, huge trauma. When that all releases and that all goes, this will never be about convincing her that you’re right and that he’s wrong or convincing her about how you’ve been traumatized and brutalized. That’s not what you’re here to convince her about. You are here to become love and let go of trauma and be able to allow the space and the love for her to move back into your life.

Melanie: We have had people in this community that have had five generations of dissension, fractures, decades of alienation who have healed. One family, five generations had been shattered and alienated and all came back together because one person in those five generations, and she knows who she is, and she’ll be watching this, she watches every episode, did the profound healing within her being to become love and feel and heal and know the family as love. They all reconnected. I promise you it’s the only way. And the thing is, there is no guarantee that that will happen, but there is the guarantee that if you do the inner work, the pain and the trauma will be gone. And from there everything is possible, including miracles. I hope that helps.

Melanie: I’ve really enjoyed doing this episode with you, Zac and I don’t think this will be the last one we do. You know, we may do this again, I’m really excited about the feedback and the questions and connecting to you all, and maybe, you might even ask Zac some questions on the blog or YouTube as well that he can answer.

Melanie: So, thank you so much for sending in your questions. And it is my greatest heart desire that we can help you. I am so passionate about our children and our future generations. It’s a topic so dear to my heart, I always get emotional when I talk about it.

Zac: It’s all right. It’s okay.

Melanie: I always do. This is the only thing I know, “Oh my God.” But it’s huge for me and I know it’s huge for you too. All right. So if you’re not already following me on Facebook and Instagram, please make sure you do, because we’re doing lots more exciting things there like this Q&A, and you can get daily inspiration tools and tips on there as well, 100%. So, so looking forward to your comments and questions on this really important episode that I’ve so enjoyed sharing with my dear son.

Zac: It’s been great. Thanks for having me on the show.

Melanie: Oh, that’s okay. It’s been, it’s a journey. It’s a few takes, but it’s fabulous. Zac’s not used to this. He’s done such a great job.

Zac: I’ve had a good teacher.

Melanie: Yeah, you’ve done a really great job. So anyway, people, you know how it goes, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do. And also too, I would love to see you at my live events. Zac will be there too.

Zac: Hope to see you there.

Melanie: The Thriver team and our MTE global team are going to be there and we’re going to hold you, help you and heal you and your future generations. And also, know that we have a $100 discount, which is going on the 18th of November so we’d love you to get in early and get your tickets. All right. Lots of love, everybody. Bye Bye.

Zac: Bye.

 



Read More –>