Sooo many people in this community have been taken down financially by narcissists – myself included.
And it’s terrible … because you may have lost everything you’ve worked your entire life for, to someone who you know manipulated, connived, lied to you and was in the relationship ONLY for their own selfish benefit.
It’s devastating and it’s beyond cruel.
How can we stop this happening to us now?
And, how can we shore ourselves up so that this will never happen to us again?
If we are going through this right now, how can we overcome all the reasons WHY we keep handing stuff and money over despite our inner being screaming at us NOT to?
In today’s Thriver TV episode I share with you the 4 of the main ways that narcissists can deceive us and mine us to get our money, assets and resources, causing us to be bled dry whilst they get to live the life they want (without paying for it) and have their messes cleaned up by us.
It is my greatest hope that this information will grant you clarity, strength, deservedness and the power to say “No” so that this never happens to you again.
Many people in this Community have been bled dry by narcissists and lost virtually, if not everything, they have worked their entire lives to achieve.
In today’s Thriver TV episode, I want to have a deep look at the four ways that narcissists can do this and how we can heal and recover, as well as shore ourselves up to not let this happen again.
Today’s episode is really important because most people who are susceptible to narcissistic abuse are generous. We are people who like to pay our way and do the right thing. And we want to give and share, but we may have very poor boundaries. Perhaps we struggle to say ‘No’ because we may not wish others to disapprove of us, and if we have a great deal of unhealed co-dependency we may even feel like we have to earn other people’s love and approval by giving what is ours to them. Or perhaps deep down we feel like it is our duty to fix, save and help people so that somehow, they will look after and love us.
In my past, absolutely I suffered financial abuse from narcissists, and as a result of healing and becoming a source to myself, there is no way that this could happen to me again. Now, when mining happens in my life, I shut the gates, and say ‘no more’.
With healthy boundaries and awareness, you discover the people in your life who are real, fair and generous behave very differently from those who feel entitled and are takers.
Narcissists absolutely fall into the second category.
Let’s get started on four of the main ways that narcissists can bleed you financially.
#1 Guilting and Threatening You
Narcissists want what they can take, it’s that simple. They feel naturally entitled, and according to them what is yours is theirs, and their over-inflated ego believes that you should be paying for having the privilege of them being in your life.
This person is an expert at picking your weaknesses to work over in order to get what they want. For me, my previous terrors of abandonment would easily cave into a narcissist saying to me, “I will only stay with you if you prove you are committed to me. If you don’t help me out with ‘X’ amount of money when I need it, I won’t believe that you are serious about the relationship and I’ll leave you.”
Or maybe the narcissist will tell you how you are so selfish for hanging onto your inheritance, or that it’s not fair that you earn more than them, or they will tell you the reasons and justifications why you owe them and should give them what they want.
You may relate, giving in to a narcissist in order to try to ease your guilt, keep the peace or make them stay with you, or get them to stop abusing and punishing you and of course hopefully, start loving you more.
Rather than granting you the desired result, the narcissist doesn’t comply with being grateful and reasonable. Rather, they know they can get away with it and that you will be a supply of cash and resources to give them the lifestyle that they want but won’t earn themselves, as well as bail them out of their continual overspending and financial disasters.
This is where we need to heal our fears of C.R.A.P. (fearing criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment) when it comes to every aspect of ourselves, including money.
When we know our worth and truth regarding our resources, we realise grown mature adults don’t try to get other people’s money, (do we?) and certainly wouldn’t expect and feel entitled to it. They take responsibility for themselves.
When we work on our terrors of saying ‘No’ so that we can do so without the fears of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment, we know we are willing to lose it all to get it all. If this person leaves us because they can’t get what they want, so be it and good riddance. We deserve better. We deserve real, whole and kind people in our lives.
And we need to lose the fears of, ‘I may never get another chance at love’. This is exactly the unhealed wounds that cause people to be taken in by internet scammers and send them money abroad, which of course is a terrible sociopathic trick that vulnerable people have fallen for.
When we love ourselves enough, we know we would much rather be with a healthy self-generative adult who has their act together.
Additionally, assisting someone who is not taking responsibility for themselves is not teaching them anything. I like to give to people in need, on my terms, because I want to extend that help and not because I am scared of what they may or may not do if I don’t.
There is a huge difference.
#2 Mining You For What They Can Get
Narcissists may come into your life with grandiose shows of love bombing, showering you with affection and gifts, and then you start to see that the money and giving has terrible strings attached (in the case of the altruistic narcissist) or that this person’s previous generosity completely goes once you are hooked.
Or you may be dealing with a parasitical narcissist, who from the early days has very shallow pockets. These narcissists seek people who earn good money and who are generous with it. Parasitic narcissists stand back and allow other people to pay for meals out, food, bills and all amenities without offering. They have an air of superiority about them which is selfish and entitled.
This type of narcissist arrives empty-handed to functions and dinner parties, or at best, only takes their own alcohol but would never consider a gift of gratitude for the guest’s generosity. These people don’t consider doing what is kind and appreciative, let alone offer.
This is the person who goes to functions where plates of food are required and arrives empty-handed and helps themselves to whatever they want, doesn’t take gifts to birthdays but absolutely expects and asks people to bring ones to theirs.
This is the person who will ask you out and then state they don’t have any money with them or tell you that they haven’t been able to get to an automatic teller machine. This person will pile goods into a shopping trolley for themselves and then stand back watching you pay for it.
This is the type of person that helps themselves to everything they can get their hands on when the opportunity arises, with no shame at all, no thought of other people or how someone else may be put out and just believes they are entitled to take whatever they can get. This person is testing you to see how far they can go and if you will continue to pay for them.
What could seem or be declared as ‘innocent’ can get so much more serious in the future. Be very aware, any of it is bad form. It’s narcissistic. If you are living with someone who sits back and doesn’t contribute, you are being mined. If you don’t start speaking up and laying boundaries, they will continue to bleed you dry.
This person is looking for a ride that is as free as possible and will be piling away money or using it for whatever they want on themselves or their future, whilst you are funding their life for them.
After you lay boundaries, expect comments like, ‘Would you like me to pay for that?’ instead of just doing it. Also expect, when you speak up for money, they will throw in your face anything that they did pay for.
When you are in a healthy, honest, kind and generous relationship, you would never be having tit for tat conversations over money with people.
Take note of someone’s character. Their character is their character. People who are mean, parasitical and self-absorbed are people who lack conscience, credibility and consideration for others. This is a pathological person, and when we are healed enough to know that we deserve generous, real and honest people, we would never tolerate someone who is mining our resources for their own selfish benefit.
#3 Combining Accounts, Businesses and Property
If a narcissist knows that they are on a good thing financially, they often will seek to enmesh quickly with you. By winning you over and gaining your confidence or guilting or threatening you into putting their name on a title, creating them as director of your business, paying for renovations on your property or even marrying you, this helps them get into your financial life.
Then they can start extracting out for themselves what they want, as well as ensuring that things are too complicated for you to easily leave them.
No matter how a deal is cloaked with a narcissist the dice are stacked well and truly in their favour, as you will painfully discover when you start to see the conscienceless financial behaviour unfold down the track, filled with justifications, excuses, lies and zero accountability and remorse.
I strongly suggest against joint purchases, joint accounts and legal ties with anyone, until you have spent a great deal of time with them and know them to be of sound and healthy character.
It is so, so important as adults to be a healthy source to ourselves, emotionally and financially so that we don’t get sucked into any deals and ventures with narcissists who may make us believe we need them, or because of our own unhealed wounds, we do it to stop them from abandoning or replacing us.
This is what myself and so many other people tragically learnt with narcissistic relationships, any choices we make financially from a place of fear or emptiness, makes our greatest financial fears come horrifically to light.
Protect yourself, have healthy boundaries, draw up pre-nuptials and don’t consider a relationship with anyone who wouldn’t agree to that.
#4 Creating Your Dependency
If we hang out with sick people, we get sick. The sicker you get, the abler narcissists are to confuse you, manipulate you and help themselves to what is yours without you realising it. A very sinister way that narcissists can take over your home, assets and funds is if you have let them because you are just not well enough to handle matters.
It’s horrible, because if you can’t work and function, you believe that you need this person in your life to survive, no matter how abusively they are treating you.
If you have severe anxiety and depression and can barely function and get out of bed, then the narcissist may be in charge of the bank accounts, funds and assets and can do whatever he or she likes with them.
When you are stuck in trying to survive, wondering if you are the crazy one, (because the narcissist is convincing you that you aren’t well), then the narcissist has a much freer rein to help themselves to what they believe they are entitled to, which is pretty much everything.
I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard about this and helped people heal and recover from this tragic story, of them getting sick, the narcissist mining them mercilessly, and then when there is nothing else to take, discarding them like emptied out corpses and running off with the next usually lined up financially prosperous supply.
Our Lesson In All of This
Money is always a difficult topic, and many of us have had seriously compromised self-worth, as well as defunct financial beliefs. I believe it is all very closely interwoven, and so much of our self-love and worth is about healing our prosperity beliefs as well as our ability to have the difficult conversations, honour ourselves, and have healthy emotional and financial boundaries and intact deservedness.
My healing resources are very holistic, they cover and deal with all of our belief foundations to heal our internal fractures, free us and create us as Thrivers. Whether you know you need to firm this all up for next time so that it never happens to you again, or whether you are overcoming the terrible devastation of being bled dry by a narcissist right now, I can help you.
The first step is by signing up for my free 16-day course which you can do by clicking the link at the top right of this video.
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So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.