There is so much that we can learn about narcissists.
WHO they are, WHAT they do and WHY they do it.
Then there is all the narcissistic terminology to get our heads around – like triangulation, idealise, devalue and discard, and narcissistic supply and injury.
But today I want to condense this all down and let you know, in regard to a TRUE powerful and fast recovery, there is SO MUCH LESS that you need to know.
In fact, all you need to know about narcissists to fully embrace, embody and work with; to get away, stay away and get your True Self and True Life going, is ridiculously simple.
Find out WHAT that ONE thing is in today’s Thriver TV Episode.
If you Google ‘narcissist’ there is so much that comes up. There is every topic imaginable about narcissists – narcissistic supply, their entitlement, why they pathologically lie; and all the catchphrases that go with them, such as smearing, triangulation, idealise, devalue and discard. The information goes on and on and on.
People get really into this information – and it can be fascinating. People also get addicted to this information.
The worse part about doing all this research is that people can avoid their evolution, emancipation and the claiming of their True Selves and True Life because of the information.
I find it very sad, when narcissistic abuse experts only talk about the narcissist, leading people into the belief that this will give them relief, healing, and wholeness – whereas it doesn’t at all.
Often it just makes people even more obsessed about narcissists, instead of them being their own healed and whole, powerful, self-generative force.
Today we are going to drill straight down to what you need to REALLY know about narcissists to get your great life.
Before we get started, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel, and if you haven’t yet subscribed please do. Also, if you like this video, please hit the like button.
Okay, let’s get to it.
What You DO Need to Know About Narcissists
There is only ONE thing you need to know about narcissists and it is THIS…
This person is not YOUR chosen Truth.
You may ask what that means?
What it means, is that this person does not have the character and the shared values to join with you in a productive, happy, sane and healthy life.
You may say, ‘It can’t be that easy and literal’. But I promise you it is. However, until we develop and heal ourselves to know that it is – it certainly doesn’t seem that way.
You see, the problem is that when we believe in scarcity, obligation, necessity, neediness or that we have the power to change people, we will try to look for the ‘loophole’. We hope that if we just learn more about someone who cheats, lies and abuses, then we may be able to cut a deal with them, fix them, survive them or completely reform them.
Quantum Law is very literal: ‘Whatever you tolerate in your life is your reality.’ Yet you may say, ‘But I don’t tolerate it. I am on to this person about their behaviour.’ However, you may not have realised just yet that Quantum Law looks at ‘tolerate’ very differently than our limited human viewpoint does.
In Quantum Law ‘tolerate’ means ‘entertain as your reality’. Anything that we grant emotional energy to IS our reality. The energy can be either good or bad. It’s the intensity that we are giving it that makes it ‘our reality’. If you are jumping up and down about the terrible behaviour you are receiving from the narcissist, which you declare is not your reality, the emotional energy you are expending on it is making it absolutely ‘your reality’. In Quantum Law you are in it, and therefore tolerating it. This is your reality.
The same applies even for non-narcissistic behaviours. Maybe you have someone in your life who wants to watch TV all the time, but you like to get out and about and do stuff.
If you believe you HAVE to make it work with this person, because someone else may not turn up as nice as them, then your only choices are to either force them to change against their will or get frustrated and upset with them because they don’t spend enough time with you. Or you will have to start enduring the boredom of watching a lot of TV to try to connect more.
Someone who watches TV constantly, while you love activities, is not your chosen reality either.
Can you see how senseless and unhappy the situation is? Just as it is pointless enduring a relationship with someone whose values of lying, being conscienceless, self-absorbed and malicious are not a match for your values of decency, honesty and harmony.
Can you see that trying to force this person (the narcissist) to change to make you safe and happy, or putting up with their behaviour to not be alone, is even more crazy than the previous TV watching example?
Truly, researching into everything about narcissism makes about as much sense as knowing everything there is about someone being addicted to TV.
Does it matter? Does learning all about narcissists and narcissism grant you any power to change it? No!
Does any understanding of it give you resolution with this person in your life? No!
Does your intricate knowledge of it give you the beliefs, inner solidness and development to let go of this person and live a life without this? No, it doesn’t.
In fact, all this research and learning about ‘them’ takes you further away from you be-coming your True Self and True Life and no longer living painful relationship patterns anymore.
The Real Need – to Know and Develop Stuff About Yourself
Let’s get really clear about this – if we don’t know our true values and limits, and don’t know how to say ‘No’ to characters and behaviours that are not healthy – it is because we received traumas and painful beliefs as children, from genetic wounds, past lives and our adulthood that made ‘abuse’ and ‘trying to survive within it’ our normal.
Until we resolve our inner Love Codes, which apply to all our relationships, we will not know how to be a solid source of our values to ourselves. Then things like peace, kindness, support, honesty, and the ability to pull away, look after ourselves, self-soothe and stay aligned with our values and truths, no matter what other people are or aren’t doing, will not be our reality.
It’s these internal fractures that make you logically say that you want ‘honesty, fidelity, genuineness, kindness and loyalty’ – all the things that narcissists aren’t – yet you stay hooked to them and can’t let go of them.
This is all a replay of the regression back to our powerless states as children – the infantile regression of ‘If I don’t stay attached to this person I will die, regardless of how they treat me’ and the past life terrors of ‘There are no other options than this. Without this person, I can’t survive; I will be annihilated or persecuted if I don’t submerge myself and give them what they want.’
Our Inner Beings are timeless, they don’t have the logical input to state ‘Hang on that was then, this is now – I am an adult living in a society where I can have rights and options.’ Rather, our nervous systems and emotional decisions are hijacked by unresolved previous trauma.
It’s all unfinished business, and the only way to heal it to completion is between you and your Inner Being – meaning going inwards to release and up level these traumas from where they reside.
Then, and only then, do we move beyond the trap of the powerlessness, of staying attached for literal survival to someone who is destroying us. When you start aligning to your True Self, the person you are without these old trauma patterns, you will become a force of survival directly through yourself and the unlimited permutations of all of Life.
A really powerful exercise to do to help you uplevel, is to connect to and write down your values. If you are not sure what your values are, write out all the things that have hurt you in the past – the patterns of bad treatment you have received – and then write down the opposite.
So, your list of values will probably be something like mine: honesty, fidelity, truthfulness, kindness, respect, validation of feelings.
Pause this video, connect to which ones are true to you, write them below and share them with all of us.
Now let’s get very clear, words on their own aren’t that powerful. It’s the action that makes them so. The action required here, for you to live your reality and be the generative force of what you do wish to receive, is to no longer tolerate what are not your values.
You shape your life from your inner power and truth, when you can take the actions to align with your truths. What you tolerate will be your reality. What is not your reality are things you no longer fight with, roll around in or live with. You detach and move away.
Like a stinky carcass on the side of the road it’s, ‘Ewww not for me!’
You don’t prod it and try to bring it back to life!
Okay, so here we start looking at your REAL development – which you will NEVER get to if you are stuck in finding out everything you can about narcissists. That’s Wrong Town. Right Town is the turning inwards to ask yourself these questions:
‘Why am I handing away my power by tolerating people and things that are less than my values?’
‘Why am I making excuses for staying instead of walking away and saying, ‘If this rises up to meet me at my values I may look at this, but if it stays the way it is currently I never will.’
And, ‘Why am I choosing to hang on to the hope that someone’s character can be different, when they don’t have the capacity or desire to change?’
When you go deeply inside, the right way, you will find painful beliefs and traumas that have been causing you to stay, make excuses and roll around in this stinky carcass.
The Deeper Truth About Why You Are Stuck In It
As I discussed in my two part series – The Proven Way to Heal Toxic Relationship Trauma – belief systems are incredibly powerful. We know we have painful belief systems, which are causing us to play out in life what doesn’t serve us, when we can still feel existing trauma within our bodies on certain topics.
Here is the deal… You may have pulled away from someone who is a liar, malicious and self-absorbed – saying this is NOT my reality (I won’t stay attached to it anymore) – yet you find that future relationship possibilities are not going well. You may be triggered by people’s behaviour that represents the same pattern, and be filled with the dismay ‘these people are everywhere’.
You may feel despondent because humanity seems flawed, and you can’t seem to escape the terrible reality of painful, unwholesome relationships being in your life. You may think this is as good as it is gets; or maybe that you are going to have to accept things like this to not be alone.
Or maybe you just keep calling out these awful things and stay terminally alone – rather than risk being abused again.
These are all the by-product of internal traumatic beliefs playing out – things like ‘The people I love hurt me, lie to me, cheat on me, abuse me, betray me…’ Of course the list goes on and on.
Our subconscious beliefs do what they do – they play out to the letter – especially if they have big emotional trauma energy connected to them. As far as I am concerned, interpersonal trauma is massive. It carries powerful emotional content, hence why it is almost impossible to recover from it logically.
So how do we know that we still have painful inner beliefs having their way with us – even if we are strong enough to leave someone who is not our ‘values’?
We know because:
- What they did to us still triggers a lot of trauma energy in our body when we think about it.
- We will have, come up, a lot of what happened to us, emotionally.
- We see the evidence of these traumas still in our life.
- We greatly fear this happening to us again.
Be-Coming Someone Different
I promise you these trauma and painful beliefs are still our reality – if they are still in our Being. If we ‘be’ something (in our Being), then it ‘comes’. This is why we need to ‘be-come’ someone different. And there is only one place to be-come different – on the inside of ourselves.
And this is exactly where my Thriver Healing processes come in – the reprogramming of the trauma energy and belief systems that are hurting you. The reprogramming is so that the traumas no longer exist, and you evolve beyond them into different Love Codes and relationship trajectories.
This creates the following states:
- You know your values and align with them.
- You no longer tolerate less than these values.
- You are no longer carrying unresolved trauma regarding the violation of these values.
- You can truthfully ask for what you want, lay boundaries and walk away from people who can’t meet you at your level of truth.
- On your own you are solid and whole, living the truth of these values of self-care, self-love and self-respect to yourself.
Okay, so after all of this understanding today, I’m interested to know where you have shifted to. Is knowing all you can about narcissists still an obsession or addiction for you, or is that information, now, as appealing as a stinky carcass?
Please let me know in your comments below
So if it’s time for you to start the real inner work – to sort this out in ways that are more powerful and faster than you yet know – please join me by clicking this link.
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As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.