Trauma bonding feels like love, it feels like you will die without someone and that you won’t get over the fact that you can’t have a happy and healthy relationship with this person.
I promise none of this is true.
I don’t think anyone could possibly have prepared themselves for the intense, inexplicable and deadly bonding experience that happens with a narcissist.
Today, I want to share with you the four ways to know that you are trauma bonded, as well as how to free yourself from the deadly grip of being trauma bonded to someone who is destroying you.
Trauma bonding is terrifying for people.
If you are trauma bonded you will experience the feelings of wanting to stay connected and fix a relationship, regardless of how much this person is hurting you.
And, this may shock you and stun you.
You may be tormented beyond measure thinking – ‘Why do I love you so much when you abuse me like this?’
It feels like love – yet I promise you it is not.
In today’s TTV episode I am going to explain to you the four ways that you can know you are trauma bonded and how to get out of this terrible powerless state.
Okay, so before we look at these, I’d just like to thank everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do so. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
So, now, let’s look at how you know that you are trauma bonded.
Sign #1: Making Excuses for Abusive Behaviour
Truly, when you are making excuses and justifications for someone’s terrible behaviour then you are trauma bonded.
This could include focusing on the small things that are very basic common baseline requirements in any relationship, such as:
‘She tells me at times that she loves me.’
‘No matter how many times he leaves, he always comes back to me.’
‘We can sometimes laugh and have fun together.’
However, there could be things going on like horrific verbal and mental abuse, affairs, physical threats and violence – or whatever it is that means that you are being abused.
Cognitive dissonance is common amongst abuse victims, and can include excusing someone’s poor behaviour because of feeling sorry about their childhood, or believing that it is your duty to help them or fix them.
The roots of trauma bonding may make you feel terrified to let a person go. You could feel dependent on them, and that losing them would be too excruciatingly difficult to bear. This could be because you feel like you may not be able to survive alone.
Maybe you feel like you will never again meet someone who you feel so connected and attracted to and you simply have to try to make this work.
Or maybe you don’t want to ever let go of the possibility of the relationship that you always wanted with this person, even though they don’t have the resources and you continue to be abused by them.
Whichever way it goes, if your emotional self is telling you one truth ‘I am anxious, depressed, sad, angry, hurt and traumatised’ and yet you keep making the excuses mentally to stay in the relationship, then this is a sure sign that you are trauma bonded.
Sign #2: As the Abuse Intensifies You Move Toward That Person Instead of Away From Them
You may be horrified to discover that when this person lashes out and does horrific things to you that you try to fix things.
Rather than have the ability to pull away and look after yourself, you may take responsibility and apologise, or even beg and promise that you will never again do whatever the supposed crime was that you committed.
You may throw all your rights and boundaries out the window to give this person exactly what they want from you so that they won’t leave you.
Or maybe you find yourself agreeing to any condition that is demanded in the hopes that they will stop hurting you and love you instead.
Or possibly, you can pull away at times yet when the situation is out of control, you are the one who is trying to keep the peace, hold things together, find solutions and salvage things – despite inwardly knowing that things don’t and won’t get better.
Despite your efforts, any reprieve is temporary and the issues happen again, usually with more intensity and increased frequency.
Sign #3: When Disconnected From This Person You Feel Like You Are Dying
If things do get so bad that you have to leave, and you are trying to stay away to save your life, or you are discarded and this person refuses to reply to your efforts at contact and you feel like you are dying – this is a sure sign that you are trauma bonded.
Being trauma bonded creates a hugely powerful peptide addiction to this person. Heroin addicts have stated that getting off a narcissist is ten times harder than getting off heroin. Once you read and understand my publication on peptide addiction, you will understand why this is the case.
When we feel like we are dying without a person, naturally we believe it is because we love this person so much. Or we feel indebted to them and guilty or responsible for their wellbeing. But any of these bonding emotions to abusers are not true.
Rather, it is because of the chemical addiction to the trauma we have received that is now hardwired through our system.
We realise these emotions don’t make logical sense. It doesn’t make sense because these obsessional feelings are happening deep within our cellular being, beneath the level of cognitive understanding.
This is why we exclaim in complete distress, ‘How can I love someone like this, when I hate what he/she has done to me?’
‘Why can’t I stop obsessing and feeling responsible for him/her?’
‘Why can’t I just let go and get on with my life?’
It is because of the peptide addiction that has infiltrated your being – which is a serious side effect of being trauma bonded.
Sign #4: When This Person Does Something ‘Nice’ You Experience Hope and Relief
There is an incredible phenomenon that happens with trauma bonding. It’s a chemical endorphin that is experienced as ‘the high of relief’.
This happens when he stops being abusive for a moment and cuddles you and tells you everything is going to be okay.
It can happen after being caught out cheating and he breaks down, tells you he has a problem that he wants your help with and promises never to do it again.
It can happen when rather than criticise and yell at you she stops and asks, ‘What can I do to help you today?’
Or maybe, rather than tell you all the things she doesn’t like about what you have or haven’t done, she comes home and has a normal conversation with you.
It is at these times you heave a sigh of relief. If the abuse has been horrific, these moments of reprieve may be in such stark contrast that you feel like you have won the jackpot.
You may feel there is hope.
You may feel blissy on chemicals that feel like love.
The feelings of heightened relief are exactly the trauma bonding feelings people have to any addiction – the relief from the pain of the actual thing or person that IS the addiction.
Poker machines – the payout grants relief from the lost money.
Cigarettes – the puffing on a cigarette stops the terrible pangs of nicotine withdrawal.
A narcissist – being ‘nice’ or even just stopping the behaviour grants relief from abuse.
The ‘high’ is an addictive endorphin.
What Is Trauma Bonding Really and How Do You Heal From It?
Trauma bonding is being connected to someone through your internal wounds.
When we have unhealed unconscious inner parts, they play out by us becoming attached to the exact people who play out these parts with us.
For example, my primary unhealed terrors were about abandonment and not being able to survive as a woman on my own.
The abusive people I picked seemed to be men that would never abandon me (engulfers) and also they appeared powerful, protective and capable (seemingly capable in the world).
What I faced again and again was being abandoned by these men (emotionally or literally), or me having to separate from them because the trauma of staying became bigger than that of leaving.
When I was unhealed, the trauma bonding was so extreme that I did feel like I was dying and would often return.
I also lost a great deal of resources and suffered terrible financial abuse in these relationships – bringing to life all of my terrible fears of survival and security.
I clung on and tried to force these men to fix these terrors for me, but they were never the saviours of these wounds – they were the messengers of them.
Until I let go of these men and turned inwards to heal my inner traumatised parts, I was powerless to stop the terrible addictions and traumatising I experienced through trauma bonding.
Today, after healing these parts with NARP, I experience healthy happy relationships that are kind, supportive and healthy, and I have absolutely no trouble in walking away from anyone who represents abuse because I feel whole, safe and powerful within.
I want the same for you too – and know what a huge difference in your life and relationships it will create once you get there.
I so hope this video has helped.
Okay, if you want to start getting aligned with these truths to boost and actualise your recovery out of the pain and into truly healthy, wholesome and fulfilling connections, then I’d love to help you.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.