Boundaries are everything, yet they are tricky!
Many people don’t know how to define boundaries and set them up in a way that works.
This is especially true if you have been abused by narcissists because your values and rights were smashed to pieces whenever you tried to assert them!
However, I promise you that there is a way to rectify this, take your power back and learn how to set effective boundaries.
Boundaries are everything.
I love helping you understand boundaries, because it will change your life forever.
In today’s Thriver TV episode, I’m going to share with you three powerful ways to set boundaries and take your power back, no matter what anybody else is or isn’t doing.
Let’s move on to find out how!
Before we get going, I just want to say I am so excited because next week I am beginning my Super-Thrive three-day workshop in Melbourne with other incredible Thrivers creating their lives at their highest potential.
If you want to find out how to join me and this exclusive Super Thrive tribe, please click this link.
Okay so now on to today’s video …
The Truth About Boundaries
First of all, I want to explain to you a little bit about boundaries.
Most people know not to leave their front door open, car unlocked or their bank accounts unsecured.
Yet, so many of us did not know that our values and rights needed to be just as powerfully protected. Because if they are not, we live other people’s values, rights and truth, even if these are contrary to our own. These could be so out of alignment that they are even abusive to us.
So, let’s start by getting very clear about what are our values, rights and truth.
What are your values?
These are your deep soul commitments to yourself and life.
These are the things that make you feel safe, healthy and happy. Such things as honesty, decency, kindness, mutuality and teamwork.
Maybe other deep values for you are benevolence, compassion and care for other human beings.
Possibly your values are also about a healthy lifestyle and family values.
I really urge you to sit with a pen and paper and write down what your values are to get very clear about them.
In fact, I’d love you to pause this video, take a few minutes to connect to what your values are, and then share them below in the comments section.
By you sharing your values, it may help somebody else get very clear about their own. Remember we are all in this together!
Then, it’s about understanding what your rights are.
Your rights are about being treated in alignment with your values.
It is Wrong Town for us to get connected with somebody who does not share the same values and believe that they are going to respect our rights.
It is impossible for them to do this! They simply don’t have the resources to!
What is your truth?
Your truth is whatever you are participating in, even if you don’t like it.
Your truth is up to you, it’s never up to anybody else. If you believe that it is, then you are handing your power away and it will be impossible for you to live your truth.
This is where boundaries come into play, regarding creating your truth powerfully.
Okay, let’s get into the three boundary setting steps.
Step Number 1: State Your Values
To enforce your rights, you have to be able to state your values truthfully.
This can be at the beginning of potential relationships, or even in the midst of abusive ones.
When you are in your power, you state YOUR values. You are not saying what somebody else is or isn’t doing wrong.
So, an example of this may be, in response to somebody who it is being unreliable in a dating experience, “I am only interested in dating available people who follow-up and do what they say they will do. If that’s not you that’s okay, and I’m saying goodbye and I wish you all the best.”
Then, be quiet and allow the other person to respond. They will either fully step up or not, and you will have your answer.
Or, when receiving abuse from someone close to you, “I will only engage when I am spoken to sensibly and decently.” And then completely detach until that happens, regardless of what else is thrown at you.
Or, when you suspect that you are being cheated on, or deceived, “If there is proof that is irrefutable, I can believe it’s the truth. Until then I will no longer be attached to you.”
Can you see how stating your values has nothing to do with the other person? This is about you taking your power back by anchoring into your values and stating them FIRMLY.
Step Number 2: Back Yourself Up
Step number two is harder than step number one. This is where you can doubt yourself, renege on the boundary, and hand your rights away again.
The total truth of life is this … if you are not prepared to stand for your values and back them, you will be living a life below the level of your values.
Whatever you tolerate is what you will get.
By backing yourself up, you are declaring this to All of Life (repeat after me): “I am inviting you to join me in authenticity, honour and health. If you have the resources you will join me there, and if you don’t then we are no longer a match. I declare to All of Life who I am and what I will tolerate. I now create my truth.”
Feel this in your body. Then I want you to pause this video and share how it feels for you below.
Okay, so I hope that you realise how powerfully important this step is.
You need to know that backing yourself, does NOT mean lecturing or prescribing to people and trying to get them to “get it”. You can’t make other people “get” anything. The more you try to get people to “get you” the less they will. Only you can “get you”.
Then healthy people will follow.
Additionally, you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak, despair, pain and abuse by letting go of those who are not diligently and actively stepping up to meet you at the level of your values.
Step Number 3: Holding Your Alignment
Say, for example, the person who was unavailable starts arguing with you or making excuses.
Or, the person in your life who is speaking abusively to you, tries to pull you in and continues fighting with you.
Or, the suspected lies were defended and twisted and turned back on to you.
This means, “Thank you I have my answer. I’m moving on and I wish you all the best.“
(Maybe the person speaking abusively to you is your child, who you can’t leave. This means that you don’t grant them your energy until they are respectful towards you.)
You can’t be attached to outcomes. You can’t be attached to a certain person meeting you at this level. By holding your alignment, you will start to understand that the people and situations that do represent your True Self and True Life will enter and conjoin with you.
Whether or not they are existing people in your life or people you have never met yet is irrelevant.
What is important is you finally living your authentic healthy life.
Our boundaries are never up to somebody else to present us with love, approval, security and survival. As an adult this is our job, which is between us and our soul and Life itself.
People can only match you at the level that you are at with yourself.
You will be tested. You may have all sorts of fears and doubts and excuses as to why not to hold your boundary.
This is the uncomfortableness of you breaking out of the old patterns that haven’t been working for you, into the new ones which durably will.
Making This Life Transition
When you start implementing boundaries, a great clean out can happen. Ultimately, what and who is not aligned with your truth will go.
This can be very painful. You may feel very alone and in unfamiliar territory.
It can be so easy to go for the quick fix, the self-medication for the relief of loneliness and pain by hooking up with people and substances that are not your true values.
It’s very hard to do better until we get better.
The inner work is all about getting better so that we do better.
If you dedicate yourself to your self-partnering, by doing the inner work with NARP, then you will find it’s so much easier to hang out and keep redefining your boundaries and HOLD them, until real people and things start to appear in your life.
And I promise you they will!
I hope today’s episode has really helped you define what you need to do, and the inner work and journey that is involved here.
And, it is my deepest passion to help you connect to this journey to create the life of your dreams, which you can do by clicking this link – The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).
And for those of you who are already NARPers and are interested in more intense and activated work regarding boundary setting, then I highly recommend my Empowered Self Course which has three whole modules dedicated to boundary setting in it.
And as a last-minute reminder to those of you who wish to learn how to Super Thrive and unlock your highest and best life in the most powerful ways that you can imagine, please join me on the 23rd to the 25th of March in Melbourne, by clicking this link – Love, Health & Wealth Super-Thrive Workshop.
I can’t wait to hang out with you in person!
And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.