When a narcissist acts up – it can be brutal! They say and do things that are conscienceless, malicious and horrifically nasty.
Believe me I KNOW how hard it is NOT to react! I used to FIGHT BACK nearly all the time.
But it didn’t work.
And I know, like me, that your reactions don’t bring RELIEF or SOLUTION, and instead you just feel more broken and traumatised and like you are going mad.
This is why learning how to IGNORE a narcissist is not just healthy; it may even SAVE your Life.
Narcissists are nasty people. They know – specifically – how to get to you.
We know this – you have been through it or are going through it. The absolute devastation of getting hit with such low blows that you can’t help but be triggered to react.
And we may think we are sticking up for ourselves and that we are not letting the narcissist get away with it by reacting. But no positive results are forthcoming.
In fact the more we react, the more we hand power over and the more the narcissist gets the feed to keep punishing us.
I will go as far as say when you continue to react you are putting yourself in such critical positions that it could empty you all the way out to your demise. It could literally take you all the way to the end of your life as you know it – and even your life itself.
This is why learning how to ignore a narcissist is one of the most powerful tools you will ever have. Not just to save your life, but also to render the narcissist powerless and to create the room for your real, abuse-free life to begin.
Today I’m going to give you everything I’ve got to both empower you and give you the confidence to do this.
Okay, so before we get started I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Let’s start with one of the greatest motivations you could ever learn regarding the narcissist’s disordered psyche…
Being Ignored is the Narcissist’s Greatest Fear
To combat narcissists effectively begins with understanding that their model of the world is not the same as ours.
Narcissists do not wish to obtain togetherness, harmony and solution – they are all about getting narcissistic supply. This means the attention that allows them to know they are ‘significant enough’ to exist. Attention from others coupled with other people’s BIG emotional content and focus, to the exclusion of all else, grants the narcissist A-grade narcissistic supply.
To the narcissist this means: ‘For good or bad right now, I am the centre of your Universe.’
In contrast, if you have your own identity, interests and life, then this is a great ego injury and so the narcissist needs to pull you off these things and back onto them.
Of course, at times the narcissist will feign ‘care and niceties’ to get your energy and focus back, but if that isn’t working or appropriate for them to do, then it will be whatever and however your attention can be harvested. Targeting and smashing your weak points, the things that hurt you the most, is a powerful way to achieve this.
If and when we heal, no longer react, let go and finally exit this crazy and painful game of keeping attached to someone who is sucking our life-force and continually retraumatising us, then…
We deliver the most terrifying reality to the narcissist: ‘You no longer exist or have any power over me.’
Let’s check out EXACTLY how to get there!
Realise the Truth About ‘The Punishment’
When we haven’t yet healed our own Inner Identity to the point of actively knowing – ‘It isn’t important what other people think about me or do; it is important what I think about and do.’, we hand our power away to life and others rather than being in our own power centre.
If we are not yet safe and anchored in our own bodies about our truths and values, and are still dependent on other specific people validating and approving of us, we can be targeted and punished by others. We then live by the false and dangerous premise of ‘My life is dependent on how this person thinks about me and treats me.’
Oh gosh, don’t narcissists get their hooks into us in this place? Just like a lion can attach to an injured gazelle at the edge of a pack.
We may not have realised that we are always teaching people how to treat us and love us. When we allow abuse by staying around to receive it, no matter how much we may jump up and down about it, what we are actually saying is, ‘that’s okay’. Whatever we tolerate DOES and WILL become our reality.
Narcissists are highly intuitive beings who find and belt up on people’s unhealed wounds. The same narcissist will punish people differently depending on the person. In the case of one of my ex narcissists, he punished me with engulfment and control and constant accusations. He was always stalking me and micro-managing me. However, his next partner experienced him detaching, disappearing and throwing other women in her face.
How interesting all of this is!
My inner subconscious wounds concerning love were: ‘People who love me control and judge me and don’t trust me.’ Her inner wounds were: ‘The people who love me leave me for others.’
I would never tolerate for a millisecond someone who went missing in action and threw affairs in my face – so of course, he would never have used this tactic to punish me, keep me coming back for more, and extract narcissistic supply from me.
And I know one hundred percent that someone like her would never have tolerated being stalked and smothered for a moment either.
Is the penny dropping? Are you getting this? It’s vital you understand, otherwise you will always be looking for your solutions and healing where it simply does not exist.
Why on earth would you even consider trying to work out why and how a narcissist is punishing you, when he or she is plasticine and can morph into any shape or person to fulfil the quest of obtaining narcissistic supply?
The answers, solutions and healing can only be obtained from inside of you. It’s the only place relief and solution exists, and you do this by working out YOUR wounds, what the narcissist is triggering off within you, and then healing them.
This is not about blaming ourselves or saying, ‘Okay, so if I didn’t have wounds the narcissist can’t punish me.’
If you didn’t have wounds you would not be with a narcissist – you would have flushed out him or her and detached yourself as soon as the abuse started. You would say, ‘not my reality’ just as I would have if I had had women thrown in my face (and what the next women would have done with someone engulfing her). If we don’t have wounds on the topics narcissistic use nastily against us, we just DON’T PLAY!
The only reason we stayed connected was because we had wounds specific to our past and emotional injuries that the narcissist could hook us and hurt us with whilst extracting narcissistic supply.
When we have done the inner work to be whole and anchored in our own body and clear on our values, truth and Self, we don’t tolerate anyone loving us any less than the level we treat ourselves.
Is the narcissist’s motivation, and the part we play, clearer to you today, perhaps more than ever before?
This is NOT about the narcissist. This is about healing ourselves and taking our power back so that we no longer connect with people who will destroy our lives, hearts and souls.
If you do get this, and you are past the ridiculous notion that healing ourselves and taking our power back is about ‘victim blaming’, I want you to write below ‘I get it. My salvation is not about the narcissist, it is about healing ME!’
Now let’s get onto the physiological reasons why ignoring the narcissist – making it NOT about them but all about you – ABSOLUTELY equals taking your power back.
Self-partnering – The Essential Connection Back to Self
At first we may be motivated to ignore the narcissist because we know that this hurts them a lot more than trying to ‘make him or her get it’, ‘be accountable, atone or apologise’ or ‘pay for what they have done’.
Please know all of these things – trying to bring a narcissist to justice – are fruitless and re-traumatising unless you have detached, healed and are simply living your truth with powerful boundaries and in no way needing specific outcomes in order to be ‘whole’.
So we may be settled on the idea that ignoring the narcissist is the best way to hurt him or her the most, and at first this can help you do this. But truly, if you use ‘ignoring the narcissist to self-partner and heal yourself’ as your greatest motivation, before long you truly won’t care less about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.
The relief and healing you feel will make you incredibly motivated to keep going with what you are now engaged in – namely love and dedication to your own development, healing and growth. You will start to feel the love and wholeness you have been searching for your entire life, just in all the wrong places.
As Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolt, the world’s leading expert on trauma, tells us: to start moving into safety within our own Being and away from trauma reactions only happens when we take our attention inside us. This activates the areas of our brain associated with ‘interoception’. Dr Van Der Kolt believes that we can’t get the parts of our brain that can integrate and heal from extreme trauma as well as anxiety, depression and feelings of powerlessness – all synonymous with narcissistic abuse – on line if we don’t go within.
I totally concur, and as myself and so many Thrivers have discovered, it was when we took our attention off the narcissist and fully turned inwards to make it about healing and rescuing ourselves from all the horrific traumas activated by narcissists, an incredible transformation, emancipation and liberation occurred within ourselves and then in our outer lives. And this is exactly what the healing power of NARP facilitates for us.
As Pema Chodron famously said, ‘If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…’
This is where it is crazy, thinking that focusing everything we have on narcissists and not ourselves is going to help. It doesn’t. It just keeps us bleeding out and our lives further disintegrating. Such is the path of victimhood.
Okay so you may say, ‘Sure Melanie, but how can I detach and ignore the narcissist when my life is fully under siege; when the things and people that I care about the most are under threat?’
Okay, let’s look at this.
The Power in Letting Go and Letting God/Source/Life Take Care of Things
For most mere mortals, like me and you, initially it is almost impossible not to react to a narcissist’s cruel behaviour when the punishment CLEARLY does not match the supposed crime. Especially if you are like me, a high-powered, passionate person who has specific beliefs about life and others, and how people should treat each other with integrity.
I used to be one of those people who HATED injustice vehemently. For me, to sit back and shut my mouth when something was blatantly ‘wrong’, ‘unfair’ or ‘ridiculous’ was unthinkable.
But I learned, oh boy I learned, that this righteousness, when it comes to narcissistic abuse, is totally Wrong Town.
Rather than ‘me’ trying to control, fix things and bring the narcissist to justice, I had to learn to step aside, let go and let a Bigger, much more Intelligent, Force than me take over.
You may want to accuse me of being all woohoo or even religious, or trying to get you to have blind faith in ‘another’ power. What I am talking about here – for me anyway – is Quantum. It’s not just ‘Source’, it is your ‘Higher Power’; it’s the Field that you are intrinsically connected to.
Quantum Scientists like Dr. Joe Dispenza and Brice Lipton are on the forefront of helping us rise from our previous victimhoods into our Quantum Power, by showing us that when you address your subconscious, which as Dr. Lipton states is processing 40 million bits per second as opposed to our conscious mind which can only process 40 bits per second, that we are working with the most powerful processor of all that is connected to all of Life in our experience as our Life.
This is where narcissistic abuse pushes us to step out of doing Life the way we used to – ‘from the outside in’ believing that Life was happening ‘to’ us instead of ‘through’ us – to discover the powerful Quantum Creators we really are. And what this means is that when we address and change our inner beliefs and programs, then we change our emotions, our feelings, our actions and our world.
We also signal the entire Field differently in the way that it responds to us. We start to access trajectories of experiences and opportunities that we simply didn’t have access to before our inner shift.
Finally we understand the truth. That the way our subconscious was programmed meant that unconsciously we would collude to ensure that these programs played out to the letter. Because that is the purpose of the subconscious – to fulfil the physical, lived reality of the inner program. That is until we awaken and go within to address the very core of what is really going on – which is ALWAYS inside of us.
Myself and so many others have discovered, usually because we have tried everything else to no avail, that when we let go of what the narcissist was doing and trying to control and went inside to meet and release the trauma and the terror within, triggered by the narcissist’s punishment, that not only did the trauma and terror go, the narcissist’s terror campaign also dissolved into nothingness. They stopped being able to do to us what they were previously doing.
It may seem like a miracle – yet it’s Quantum Law – so within so without. When we change our inner state FIRST, then the outer MUST follow.
With everything I have seen over the last ten plus years, I know narcissistic abuse is an energetic phenomenon that can only be addressed this way. It’s the only way we can properly detach, heal and break free for REAL.
And, maybe like me it took a lesson so hard and absolute as narcissistic abuse to truly find your real Quantum Power and change your entire life beyond description for the rest of your Life.
That is exactly what the path of ignoring the narcissist and fully turning inwards to yourself, incredibly and magnificently, produces.
And don’t for one minute think that this means you will be lazy and won’t act or protect yourself or get your life going – that’s not true. Because when you do clear the trauma and get safe and powerful in your body, then all that energy that used to be bound up and crippling you with trauma, is freed up and available for powerful creation – regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.
That is when you enter and become your own personal nirvana and powerhouse of life-force.
That is Thriving.
Are you ready for this? Have you had enough of being enmeshed in the punishment of narcissists and the punishment of your ongoing thoughts and obsessions and trauma – if you have already got away?
If so, enough is enough. It’s time. Join me to learn a better way to heal your Core Identity – a powerful, direct way that REALLY works. You can start accessing this information and true relief today by clicking here.
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And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.