So many people are terrified about dating again especially after being narcissistically abused.
But is there a way to navigate dating so that you will never be susceptible again?
Is it about ‘where’ to look for a potential mate?
I really don’t believe so – because our fears and wounds find us no matter where we are.
So … therefore what we really need to look at and understand is WHO you are Being whilst dating – the definite steps you need to make to call in a beloved whilst remaining completely Narc Proof!
I love this topic because I’m passionate about people understanding this information.
Many individuals have a huge aversion to purposefully dating – they literally despise spending time going out on dates and meeting potential partners. They may loathe wasting their time with the wrong people, as well as the effort and even the money spent when dating.
Shouldn’t the Universe just deliver your perfect partner to you?
Why date anyway?
I’m going to have so much fun answering these questions very soon!
And what about those of us who have been shredded to pieces by narcissists? Maybe we met these people whilst going out on dates.
Many of us have fallen into relationships with narcissists that nearly claimed our lives, so how can we date and not have that happen again?
That’s another question I can’t wait to answer!
So, stay watching because we are going to get into lots of juicy information today about how to date and align with a beloved, whilst safely weeding out narcissists along the way.
Okay, before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Is Internet Dating Dangerous?
Many narcissistic experts will tell you that Internet dating is dangerous … because people lie, misrepresent, and get all sorts of inside information on you to manipulate you, etc.
This amuses me because people we meet during normal day-to-day interactions can lie and misrepresent themselves too. Your next-door neighbour, who you have known for years, could be a compulsive liar and a total sociopath – yet you don’t know it.
Also, so what if people know what your likes and dislikes are and what you are looking for in a partner? This is not a threat if you are not too needy to be susceptible to being love-bombed and if you have healthy boundaries. Which means that you are ready and capable to confront things that feel uncomfortable and you are prepared to have any necessary difficult conversations.
When we get serious about taking responsibility for our life and being a healthy adult, we don’t connect with people at intimate levels before working out what their integrity and ethics are.
If you are a sensible, whole, together human being, then you won’t let a person into your home, bed and body before it’s healthy to do so.
You also won’t let a stranger come to your house or meet them somewhere that isn’t a public place. And you won’t capitulate to do any of these things, even on a second, third or beyond date, if you don’t feel comfortable to do so.
That’s not being paranoid – it’s being real and caring for and valuing both yourself and other healthy adults. It’s about respecting and valuing yourself to take your time to get to know a potential love interest before trusting them.
Regarding the arguments against internet dating – I believe it is the best opportunity to date for virtually everyone who is no longer in their 20’s.
When you are in your 30’s, 40’s and beyond, where are you going to meet easily the right potential partner? Do you have enough friends with single friends? Are you involved in enough clubs to give you a wide variety of choices? These are the questions you should be considering rather than letting in the first attractive person who turns up.
Are you going to try to meet someone at a nightclub?
There are wonderful people on internet dating and there are narcissists, just as there are both in every aspect of life.
People ask all the time, ‘Which site should I go on?’ If you are after a committed relationship, choose a site that is not about hook-ups. I would strongly suggest also joining one with paid membership, as that is a sign of a more genuine intent. But apart from that, your success comes down to the Quantum Truth – which has nothing to do with everyone else.
It is all about WHO YOU are Being.
There are people on the same sites having dreadful experiences and there are people on these sites having wonderful ones. None of this has anything to do with luck and other members on these sites – it is to do with consciousness and inner personal development.
How to Meet Future Narcissists and How to Avoid Them
Regardless of whether you are on an internet dating site, at a party or a friend’s gathering, or walking around a supermarket or a nightclub, living in fear of who you could meet and NOT being your authentic whole self is your biggest danger point.
We attract what we fear – no difference to someone swerving off the road and being focused on and going straight into a tree.
If we have our traumas and fears stuck inside us, then inevitably we will hide out and avoid potential relationships – which means they are eating us alive anyway. And if we try to find love, we risk someone coming in who matches these internal trapped traumas.
Ironically we will think this person is the saviour of our wounds; that they will take the pain away. But they end up smashing us so hard that there is no avoiding our stuck traumas – the disowned parts of ourselves that we were not previously dealing with and liberating ourselves from.
In matters of love, once we start embracing these fears and have a plan with how to deal with them to FULLY become our radiant power and authentic self, I promise you that narcissists will become repulsive to you. And as the strong, buoyant, self-loving boundary beast that you will be – a narcissist will run away and towards much easier prey.
There will be NO taking you down!
If you want to be this man or woman and if you are with me, write ‘Boundary beast here I come!’ below.
Okay, let’s get into the real meat of this…
Be Ruthless With Rejecting Your Old Pattern
The Field of ‘relationship’ at the Quantum Level brings to us the evidence of our Inner Love Code. So let me be really straight with you about this – if you are trying to look for a different person to have a different experience with, you are in Wrong Town.
YOU need to BE the different person who is now aligned with the Love Experience you seek. So how do you break out of your old Inner Love Code and into the new one you want to have? With self-investigation, complete self-honesty and a devotion to reprogramming your Love Code with diligent inner healing.
Most of us in this community have, or had, an Inner Love Code that doesn’t serve us, and it up to us to up-level from the Inner Code to much healthier realities. Let me explain…
My painful Inner Love Code was making me take part in love relationships with controlling, possessive, jealous men. I didn’t have rights; I didn’t have a voice; and heaven forbid if I chose my passions, freedom or self-expression.
I incessantly put up with being controlled and ‘owned’ like this, terribly.
Thank God I realised the pattern needed to stop – and I needed to be the women who no longer lived it. There were many inner beliefs and traumas I needed to shift so that I would no longer be derailed with guilt or fear by these men, thus handing over my independence and individuality.
I also realised that the men I dated had to have the emotional security to not only allow me to have my own life, interests and success, but also to encourage and support it.
I got very clear and had to do a lot of work on confronting, standing up and no longer tolerating – by leaving – if the old pattern emerged again. I am happy to say now I would not tolerate for ten seconds that behaviour, and it simply does not exist in any shape or form in my love-life today (and hasn’t for many years).
There are many different defunct Love Codes. Yours may be unavailable partners, and so there is no way you would tolerate the engulfing, interrogating twenty text messages a day I used to put up with, all the while telling myself ‘It’s because he loves and misses me so much’. Just as I wouldn’t put up with a man going missing for three days and tell myself ‘Oh he must just be busy.’
Back then, even though I was doing my Love Code extremely unhealthily, I was very clear on unavailable men. If one even looked like being that way I’d say, ‘This is not the kind of relationship I’m after. Are you interested or not? Because if you aren’t, don’t waste my time.’ I had zero tolerance and therefore barely ever came across unavailable people, and when I did I could end these relationship potentials easily.
The truth was I had ZERO attraction to these types.
Just as you may say to a controlling date, ‘Do not think I’m going to tolerate you breathing down my neck every minute of the day. You don’t own me!’ and walk away and never look back.
This is the deal – not only are we attracted to the people who represent our painful Love Code, we also unconsciously collude to keep them going.
I used to believe attached, possessive love meant I was adored and wouldn’t be left (I was terrified about abandonment), so I would make excuses for this behaviour and not lay strong boundaries to it out of the fear of being dumped for not complying.
You may tolerate unavailable partners, because a parent was unavailable and you are used to hanging in there waiting for crumbs of affection and attention. Therefore you will make excuses regarding ‘why’ this person doesn’t have the resources or the desire to commit to you.
Maybe you are distraught about how people who are only interested in sex present in your life, and yet when communicating with people you have an unconscious belief that you have to be sexually attractive enough to have a chance with them.
Maybe unconsciously you have been objectifying yourself, rather than being solid inside regarding your worth and value, and therefore commanding that a potential partner will want to spend time to get to know you rather than sexualise you.
This is the thing, when you get very serious about changing your previous painful Love Code you will go through major discomfort – because getting out of the Love Code takes effort. It takes confronting and healing the parts of ourselves that we may not want to own and be honest about.
I had to get super honest about my fears of abandonment, which were causing me to call in and tolerate engulfers. I had to fully go into that terror inside me, hold it, release it and heal myself beyond it. Otherwise, if I didn’t do this, it was always going to give me every excuse – our brain always makes up stories to justify the fulfilling of the Inner Love Code – to keep gravitating towards these people and hang on to them despite their abuse.
I can’t urge you enough to get serious about fully facing and owning what your painful Love Code is. Do you know what to heal within you to no longer partake in this Love Code? What type of potential partner do you need to say ‘No’ to now – just like an addict needs to give up the drug that has been destroying them? What work will you need to do on yourself so that you reprogram your Inner Love Code to be aligned and attracted to healthy people rather than the old painful pattern?
I promise you, if you do the inner work on your Love Code you will get there. I and so many others have achieved this. Personally, now I find engulfers completely off putting. I have zero attraction to them. Today I am so happy to report that I am with and attracted to a decent, caring man who allows ‘me to be me’.
If you would like to – how about sharing your revelations regarding your Inner Love Code below.
I’d love to hear about them!
Employ Gratitude and Growth from Your Previous Painful Relationships
I think it’s safe to say, all of us in this community have baggage. If we have been narcissistically abused, we have lots of experiences about having our souls and lives torn to shreds.
The question is: how are we dealing with this baggage?
Are we being a victim just ‘going’ through this trauma or are we determined to be a Thriver ‘growing’ through it?
The victim believes someone else has to take their pain away for them and grant them the love, approval, security and survival that they don’t feel they can grant themselves.
I used to feel like this too. It doesn’t work. Rather this is a recipe for ongoing relationships of abuse, victimisation and traumatisation.
It is no one else’s job to heal us – it is our own.
The Thriver accepts that their previous trauma exposed what was as yet not whole within. The Thriver has taken on their own inner development so as to not just escape abusers in the future, but also to up-level themselves to a place of self-love, self-worth and self-generative ability that they have never felt before being abused, even if abuse is all they have ever known.
There is no more positive way to grow beyond patterns of being in abusive and toxic relationships than employing gratitude and growth – because when you do this there is no longer a desire to have other people be a source to ‘self’. It means moving beyond being a damaged inner child in an adult’s body, unconsciously looking for a parent to heal you.
When we accept that we must do the inner work, we can grow up inside and then seek another healthy adult to share a healthy life with.
I really believe it is only this generation now that is waking up to understand that someone else doesn’t complete you. To be with a soul mate there is a necessity to mate your own soul first, otherwise, you will find yourself with yet another cell mate – a person who doesn’t heal your inner wounds for you, but rather grants you the evidence of them.
I promise you with all of my heart, one of the biggest inoculations you will ever have against narcissists whilst dating is to be anchored into your gratitude and growth from your previous experiences.
A narcissist is looking for your weaknesses, your unhealed wounds to hook you with.Victims are easy targets for narcissists, because they talk about what has hurt them in the past thus allowing the narcissists to pretend to be the saviour of it. Then, like a parched human in a desert finding an oasis, the victims are snared and in the narcissists’ clutches.
I promise you this used to happen to me too!
However, when you tell a narcissist that you are focused on self-actualisation, being grateful for you your self-awareness and growth and being committed to your evolution, you may as well be holding up garlic to a vampire.
Narcissists detest authenticity and healthy self-ownership and power.
They truly have to get away from it, because it is such a painful reminder of how they are powerless to affect you. Narcissists can only operate in your experience by using the energy of your wounds against you.
If you completely own them, are grateful for them and have them in hand, there is no way to get hooks into you.
Multiple Date with Real People
I truly mean this…
Think of dating like a sales funnel. You are putting yourself out there to more than one person so that there will be a level of interest expressed possibly by several. Then with each of these people, there is follow up qualifying to see if there is a match in order to connect further.
Ultimately the goal is for a real transaction to take place – in this case, the exclusivity commitment between you and one other person.
I know this sound ‘unromantic’. However, please know dating with multiple potential people can be so healthy and incredibly fulfilling. Imagine meeting lovely people – who you have qualified to have integrity and compatible values to you via emails and a phone call before meeting – and enjoying a glass of wine and a meal whilst conducting yourself like a lady or a gentleman getting to know people at a respectful pace.
It’s great fun! Instead of just hoping to be chosen, it brings you so much growth and development as you experience how you can lay boundaries, have difficult conversations if needing to speak up and ask questions, all the while knowing that you are ascertaining whether or not this person is suitable for you.
In the old days, when I was unhealed and not in my power at all, I was terrified of dating and my experiences with it were horrific. To stop going through such ‘horror‘ and potential ‘torture’, all I wanted to do was grab the first likely candidate. No way could I have contemplated multiple dating, let alone thoroughly enjoying it!
Since learning about myself and dating, and determinedly healing myself from my previous painful Love Code, I have loved dating respectfully. I was looking for a potential suitor with similar values, character and integrity, as well as someone who I was attracted to, to commit to a relationship with.
When I started multiple dating, my current partner showed up very quickly. I believe it was because I was completely clear regarding who I was looking for. Also, I believed in abundance and plenty and I was enjoying the dating process without requiring a set outcome.
Importantly, make sure you get out on a date quickly with someone you are in communication with. Don’t get sucked into a pseudo relationship that doesn’t exist. If someone doesn’t want to meet up, move on to someone who does. And don’t get bogged down with or disappointed by one person. If someone doesn’t work out – it’s not meant to be. Look at it as a chance you’ve been given to heal yet something else within you.
There are plenty more opportunities and blessings from The Field. In fact unlimited, if you keep being the person aligned with and generating your healthy truth.
I truly could go on so much more with this topic, and I can of course in answering your questions!
For those of us who have been narcissistically abused, let’s just go over this again – what I believe are the most important points.
• Do the inner work so that you are not leading with your wounds.
• Ensure you are very clear that from now you firmly say ‘no’ to partaking in your old painful Love Code pattern.
• Be grateful for your evolution and growth, rather than seeking someone to take the pain away.
• Don’t get stuck, disappointed or bogged down on one person.
• Know that you can be authentic and empowered and are no longer needy of instant hook-ups.
• Make sensible decisions regarding aligning with healthy people with integrity, people with whom you take your time to get to know.
Those of you who are NARPing, you have the perfect opportunity whilst dating to meet and release any triggers of fear within, to keep up-levelling and showing up more and more in your power.
This will generate the reality of a relationship with a beloved – someone healthily aligned with your True Self and True Life. Also you can receive guidance from myself and other successful Thriver daters in the NARP Forum to help you get there!
I so hope this video has helped.
If you know it’s time to get started on the realising and healing of your painful Inner Love Code, I can help you powerfully with your first step to generating a beloved mate – simply click this link.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.