It’s very likely you know what it feels like to meet someone who you thought was kind, charming intelligent and attractive … who turned out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The whole experience and aftermath of having your life and soul terrorised by a narcissist can be so shocking, many people understandably, may never even want to attempt dating again.
It can feel terrifying!
I understand … I truly know what this is like. My previous self felt so unsafe whilst dating after narcissistic abuse.
However, after helping people recover from narcissistic abuse for the past 10 plus years, as well as committing to overcoming my own fears around dating, I was able to decipher and recognise the 5 main types of narcissistic dating approaches and know how to safeguard myself against them.
In this important episode, I share with you the 5 warning signs, which I believe can assist you to detect narcissists early on, to save yourself from the soul devastation that they bring.
Today is going to be a bit of a fun day on Thriver TV … because I want to talk to you about the 5 types of narcissists that you may meet whilst dating.
These are fun if you can realise them and not much fun if you miss them!
These are things that I realised, as a result of being involved in helping others detangle and heal from narcissists over the last 10 plus years, and also as a result of my own dating experiences.
I know there are many of you out there who are very opposed to dating – the thought of it might even horrify you. Maybe you believe that your beloved should just turn up, because you don’t want to have to go through the time wasting and rubbish that goes with dating.
I disagree, and when I have been single, I have thoroughly loved dating. I find it wonderful to meet people and see where I am at with my inner programs whilst doing so.
Plus, people are awesome, and it’s wonderful to have intellectual and stimulating conversations and even end up with friends and contacts as well as of course having the goal of a love partner.
This was a far cry from my previous self. When I was filled with trauma, I was terrified whilst dating about who I could or couldn’t trust – and men triggering my fears and wounds. Now, because I don’t have those fears and wounds and because I fully trust myself to show up, I have a ball when I date!
Even though I’m sharing 5 warning signs with you today, I really want you to know that there is absolutely no substitute for doing the inner work – period.
If we still have trauma regarding abusers and painful ex-partners that we are not emotionally reconciled over (meaning haven’t received and actualised the healing gift for ourselves that they presented us with), we can be in for a very hard time.
Going through breakups is not the same as growing through them.
If we haven’t done the work since a breakup, then we are likely to continually have disappointing and even abusive experiences with potential people, or we will not meet anyone at all that we are attracted enough to, to even consider a relationship with.
For this reason, I can’t recommend having a healing hiatus enough, known as a ‘relationship fast’, to take the time to heal and establish the most important relationship you can ever have – the one with yourself.
In my opinion, this is when you are ready to date again.
- Are no longer traumatised by past partner(s).
- Are feeling fulfilled, happy and content in your own skin.
- Have purpose and a life that fulfils you.
- No longer feel needy and lonely.
- Are ready to share a life with someone, instead of trying to find someone to get a life.
Okay if this is you – and many of your NARP members have got to this stage of your personal love journey, known as ‘mating your own soul’ first – this is what I believe are 5 signs of a narcissist that will be very apparent early in the dating process.
And this is helpful, because narcissists can be covert and charming and get through our cracks. If one does infiltrate, it’s because they are seeking to hook you in for their own agenda, regardless of whether they are after a one-night stand or a long term relationship with you.
Let’s check the 5 main types out!
This narcissist is extremely overt. He or she will wear arrogance like a badge. This extremely overt narcissist suffers from a total lack of filter and appears not to care. They are easy to spot – yet people can get taken in by them regardless.
Think of the wealthy and successful or extremely ‘hot’ looking person, who uses success and/or their appearance to get what they want, including hooking people in.
What you will discover is this person barely listens to you, and really is not at all interested in what you have to say. They will interrupt constantly and spin the conversation back to themselves. This person has a delusional view of themselves that there is no one better than them – which of course is the fictitious character that they have created in their heads about themselves.
The ego understandably is massive. Therefore, this person is going to crack quite easily if they don’t receive the preferential treatment, they believe they deserve. He or she could be rude to the waiter – for example.
If we get sucked in by this type of narcissist it means that we are ticking boxes in our head, and not concerned about someone’s character or human aspects such as compassion, kindness and decency.
Of course, a relationship with someone like this is going to be horribly disappointing and unfulfilling.
One step away from the overt Powerbroking Narcissist is The Grandstander. He or she is someone who pretends to listen attentively, but you will notice that they are only listening to get some information to spin it back to being about them or someone they know.
This person is a bore, who doesn’t ask any further questions about you and is not interested in your life or who you are as a person. Again, you are only going to be an object to feed their ego and will be involved in a very unfulfilling one-sided relationship with someone who is this self-absorbed.
This is not a person you will share a deep connection of soul mutuality with, or real love. This person will also be highly entitled and lack empathy drastically.
Here we have a more covert and higher-functioning narcissist, and one who is harder to detect.
This narcissist seems totally interested in your life and will ask questions, as well as additional questions, whilst listening attentively. The purpose of this is to cunningly find out information about you. This person may also grant you compliments and mimic your body language to get you to trust them.
This narcissist is looking for an ‘in’, something about you that has hurt you in the past and then appear to be the person who can fulfil this ‘gap’ for you. For example, you might tell them how partners in the past have cheated on you.
This narcissist then knows, if they tell you convincingly that monogamy is a big value for them, they may have you hooked.
It’s vital when meeting people dating to be an empowered person and come across as a healthy adult looking for a partner, rather than a wounded child in an adult’s body subconsciously seeking a parent – because this is a huge green light for narcissists to swoop in and claim you as their next supply.
Take note that this is one of the most sneaky weapons, highly malignant narcissists use, and unless you are powerful, solid and whole in your own body – then you may act like a person is a desert who just found their oasis and dive straight on in.
Of course … not realising that you have just entered treacherous waters.
It’s so interesting when you have a date with a narcissist and watch them try to be The Factfinder, and they get stumped, confused and highly put off when they can’t find a weakness within you.
They know they can’t hook you and the date ends with you saying, ‘No I’m not interested in another date’, leaving and punching the air with excitement because you are so empowered that you didn’t get sucked in.
If we are needy, empty and hungry for love we may be highly susceptible to this idealistic, fantasy lover who is a match made in hell, not heaven.
This is the intensely charming type of narcissist. This narcissist comes on hard and heavy with proclamations of undying love. He or she will tell people they had a dream about them being their soul mate, or was told by a psychic, or by God that the love of their life would look like you, etc.
Why would a narcissist do this – because they are desperate. They are very low on narcissistic supply and need to move things along very quickly. If they find a target empty enough to eat that malarkey up – they can quickly get supply.
Please know romantic books, fairy tales and movies have not done us many favours. Yes, we all know of the healthy ‘love at first sight’, quick hook up stories – occasionally they do exist. But if you are in this community watching this video it is because you have serious abuse programs and patterns to heal and have suffered painfully in relationships.
Therefore, you would be as safe as getting into a relationship like this as you would jumping off a cliff. We all need to grow up, be adults and realise that healthy people don’t do instant relationships and love-bombing. They take their time to get to know people – they ascertain people’s character, values and life before letting them into their hearts, homes, bodies and souls.
If someone acts like this with you – then truly they are not healthy – and neither are you if you accept this version of fickle, manipulative love.
The Boundary Pusher
When you start dating someone you must retain your boundaries. If you have your own identity and life this wouldn’t be hard to do, because this is already your life. You won’t just drop everything to be with them – and nor should you.
This is vital in your defence against narcissists because most of them will not tolerate you having your own life, pastimes and interests – it has to be all about them.
If someone tries to pull you away from your necessary life, and guilt or schmooze you into spending more time with them – or appears needy when you want time alone or away – this is not a healthy adult that you wish to have a relationship with.
Emotionally solid adults want to support their partner’s interests and allow them and encourage them. If anyone is not being this person, do not consider a relationship with them.
If you do, your boundaries will be eroded, and you are potentially entering a highly abusive and controlling relationship.
How To Empower Yourself
Be very aware, these five ways a narcissist can present, can be the same narcissist with different people. Narcissists read you, they are chameleons who will be whatever they need to be to get narcissistic supply.
Therefore, I hope that you understand how your fullness, self-love and respect and boundaries are everything. This is about your inner healing and development.
Because if you haven’t done the inner work – even though you may recognise some of these things – you may say to yourself ‘Ill just let it go for a little while to see before I say something’ or ‘I’m not sure he or she is really doing that – I’ll give them some more time to decide’ or make other excuses.
By which time it is far too late, you could be hooked and signed up for more narcissistic abuse in your life.
Wouldn’t it just be much better to be an empowered, healthy dater?
I’d love to help you achieve this – as I have many women and men, as well as myself, to date in confidence and truth … thus able to meet awesome healthy people!
The first step is to sign up to my 16-day free course which includes a ton of free resources, as well as a workshop with me, where you will experience the subconscious reprogramming super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing – which fast-tracks healing from abuse more than anything else I know.
And, as always, I look forward to having a discussion with you below about this topic!