Sooo many people have wondered why narcissists lie so much!
It is gut-wrenching to be with someone who pathologically lies.
About small things, big things and things that they don’t even need to lie about.
Does a narcissist know they are doing it?
Do they intend to do it?
Why do they do it even when it is not necessary to do it?
What would it take for them to stop doing it?
There is an old expression that goes around abuse communities – ‘If a narcissist’s lips are moving, they are lying.’
It’s not always true – but sadly often it is.
Today’s article answers the question ‘WHY do narcissists lie so much?’ – and how you can detect it and start to live a life where truth, honesty, and safety are your constants.
Before we get into this information today, I’d like to thank all of you who have supported the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my blog, and if you haven’t yet done so, please do. Also, if you like this article make sure you give it a like and share it with others.
OK on to today’s article.
What Constitutes A Lie?
I just want to start off by getting very clear about what is or isn’t a lie.
We all know there are times that we are not 100% truthful to people. We don’t lie as much as narcissists do, but maybe at times, we do lie a little. We may tell someone that their outfit looks lovely when we really think they shouldn’t be wearing it. We could tell people what they want to hear to keep the peace, or we may even lie by omission and simply leave out facts that we don’t want people to know about.
I personally believe, as we evolve into an authentic True Self, that we do become more honest. Meaning we become more willing to say the truth to people to help give them genuine feedback, that possibly another outfit (in our opinion) many be more suitable, or we will reflect back to them their blind spots in perceptions or behaviours to help them heal and grow.
Often ‘not telling the truth’ is something we think we are doing to not hurt someone else’s feelings, but usually, if we are brutally honest with ourselves (which is what Thriving is all about – leaving our self-delusions behind) we know that really we are ‘lying’ to try to avoid having uncomfortable confrontations with others – and risk being criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished by them.
When we start healing and thriving healthily, we know that honesty and integrity really do serve ourselves and everyone else in the highest ways, because if you love and care for someone you are going to have an authentic relationship with them. After all, in virtually every case, the power of truth does set everyone free.
When lies are intended to not just ‘spare confrontation’ but are used to cover up pathological behaviour, then they are even more horribly impactful. Things that the other person would not be thrilled about – such as cheating, embezzling, smearing and manoeuvring things for one’s own self-serving benefits – are all the types of lies that narcissists are famous for.
And … discovering the ‘love’ that you thought you were sharing with a narcissist was a lie – is beyond devastating.
Lies severely damage relationships – period.
They destroy communion, connection, and trust. After knowing you have been lied to, how do you know what is real or what isn’t? Many of us even discovered after being lied to and catching out lies, that we became paranoid, that we started stalking, checking up and reading and looking into things we normally would not have.
It’s a shocking way to live.
Yet even if lies are NOT big things – and it is mere embellishments that are found out – this is also very disturbing and causes a lack of trust, respect, and connection.
Narcissists exaggerate. They insert their own delusional version of things. Generally, things that make them more significant, dramatic and noticed. And these things often bear little resemblance to facts – it is their fictitious rendition of how they would have liked something to be, or what is necessary for them to get attention (narcissistic supply) from people.
Let’s look at WHY they lie as easily as taking their next breath.
A False Self’s Life
When a person submerges their True Self, believing they can’t get their needs met by being this person, the only option is to recreate themselves as someone else.
This ‘someone else’ is a False Self, a fictitious character who is being a person and living a life that isn’t the truth.
This is the number one reason why narcissists lie so much.
Because of stepping outside of this integrity and authenticity, one’s self and life becomes distorted. The default brain wiring is on ‘stories’, ‘make-believe’ and ‘delusional excuses’.
Many times, a narcissist doesn’t know that they are lying, because their reality is so far off-tap that they don’t know what is real or not anymore.
Narcissists embellish stories. They exaggerate. They lie about themselves being more unique, better, more dramatic, accomplished, interesting and the like. They do this to get attention, favours, trust, and empathy – all valued aspects of narcissistic supply and positioning for gain.
Sometimes they lie to protect themselves from narcissistic injury – truths that the ego simply can’t handle. Things like, ‘It was my decision to leave the relationship’ after someone else dumped them, or they walked away from their job after being replaced … or whatever it may be.
At these times, because the truth is too much of a threat to the damaged insecure self-image, the narcissist has adopted the lie as a necessary buffer.
Another example of when the narcissist believes their own lies is when he or she projects onto you – these are the times when a narcissist blames you for everything that he or she does and sounds so convinced that it is you doing these things. The reason is because the narcissist thoroughly believes it is you doing these things.
There are reasons for this.
The narcissist’s severely disowned inner self which is beyond reproach – never wrong and never to be held accountable – the inner core that the narcissist is actually disgusted with, is projected outwards onto someone else. This disowned damaged part is then externalised and the narcissist beats it up mercilessly through you.
The truth of the matter is this – living in unconsciousness brings delusions – the greatest being the constant lying to oneself and being stuck in unconsciousness as a result.
When the Narcissist Does Know He Or She is Lying
A narcissist lies so much because in reality he or she is a drug addict.
The drug of choice is the constant unstoppable need for narcissistic supply – attention, acclaim, energy and stuff that feeds the False Self and keeps a narcissist from falling into the all-consuming black hole inside themselves of defectiveness and nothingness that is always threatening to eat them alive.
Like any addict who needs their drug, lots of lying is involved. A narcissist can’t tell people their TRUE motives, they have to create fabrications to get what they really want.
Like telling someone they are their newly found soul mate and the love of their life – simply to get a hit of sex.
Like telling someone that they have all this experience and qualifications, that aren’t real, to get involved in something that will benefit them.
Like stating ‘I care about you and what can I do for you?’ when this is really about getting the ego feed of you telling them how wonderful they are.
Or … sidling up to people with compliments and granting attention to promote one’s own advancement.
These are the things that a narcissist is having to work at every day – it is the only way to regulate enough constant narcissistic supply.
The narcissist is deeply aware of his or her defence mechanisms and beliefs of ‘having to have the upper hand’ and ‘me versus you’ in order to survive. Because the narcissist knows he or she thinks and behaves like this, they believe everyone else also does this.
The narcissist doesn’t trust anyone.
At the times when the narcissist does know they are lying, and constructs the fabrication, there is always the perfect excuse constructed to do this. The narcissist deems themselves deserving of lying because of what has been done to him or her, or whatever they believe their entitlement may be.
They also imagine that if they don’t get in first, that you will. They believe that you are out to get them.
The truth is narcissists don’t think there is anything wrong with lying – it’s just a way of life. They don’t feel bad about it or guilty – rather they are just terrified of being caught out for REAL, which is people discovering the crippled inner defective self that is hiding beneath the fictitious omnipotent False Self.
How To Protect Yourself From Narcissistic Lies
There is only one way to make ourselves no longer susceptible to narcissistic people and how and why the narcissist lies so much.
I’m going to be really straight with you about this – as I had to be with myself – STOP … lying … to … yourself.
This is what I mean by this.
Stop being with someone who has shown their hand at being a pathological liar (not to mention all the malicious things that narcissists do) because I promise you real and healthy people just don’t do this.
Stop ignoring the terrible feelings in your body that allow you to know you are trauma bonded, you know this person is not healthy for you, is severely damaging you, and yet you are trying to find justifications and excuses to find a way to make it work with them.
You know how it goes, we all did when we ignored the screams of our Inner Being and continued regardless. We paid a shockingly, hefty price.
I promise you that when you listen to, and start to honour, support and align with the truth of your Inner Being, all of life and the healthy supportive resources of life will do so with you too.
It’s Quantum Law – so within so without.
I know it is the hardest thing to do initially – to face the truth.
But we know, deep in our core, in our true selves that this person is not real, doesn’t have the capacity to be safe and is destroying us.
And the reason we do hang on is because we don’t know yet that we can be REAL for ourselves – we can be True Selves, generating truth, safety, power, honesty, and decency with other people.
We can BE authentic and have our needs met.
We CAN come out of the trance of hiding and dimming down, handing our True Selves away trying to get others to be REAL for us.
I know it is easier said than done, and that is exactly why I created a step-by-step healing process that not only allows you to go free, but fully supports you to lose your trauma, reignite your True Self and start navigating and creating your life from that place – which is what True Thriving is about.
So, I hope that this article has helped you a lot, and if you enjoy my blog please make sure to subscribe to my free newsletter below so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released.
Also please make sure you share this with somebody who you know is being lied to.
And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.