A narcissist will always eventually, one way or another, discard you. It doesn’t matter whether you leave, they do, or how the relationship blows up.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is this: the narcissist doesn’t care about me and can live without me.
We experience this from their words and actions, lack of understanding, non-existent empathy, accountability or remorse regarding what they have done to us.
We discover that our feelings and life mean nothing to the narcissist; he or she may even hate us now and be hell-bent on trying to destroy us.
My heart goes out to you if you are still suffering the trauma of this, because truly until we heal from this, the trauma is unspeakable.
However, it is my greatest wish today that this article will not only explain why the narcissist will always discard you but also the deeper truths that will help grant you relief, healing and the power to move on and create real relationships with people who do have the resources to genuinely care about you.
The Shock of Narcissistic Discard
Falling from the dizzy heights of being idealised is such a heavy shock.
We may have believed that we were the narcissist’s ‘everything’, and certainly this appears to be the case in the love-bombing stage of the relationship and reappears when a narcissist is hoovering us back into their clutches in order to retain us for narcissistic supply.
What we may not have realised until much later, is that we were ‘necessary’ to the narcissist, but not as a flesh and blood human being with a soul and feelings. Rather, we were the object to grant them their addiction – their feed of energy, significance, resources, sex, money and/or any attention that allows them to self-medicate themselves away from their inner screaming wounds of defectiveness and insecure feelings of insignificance.
A narcissist is never ‘in love’ with you, they are incapable of that. They are only ‘in love‘ with the feelings of relief you grant them from their inner wounds, no different to a heroin addict being in love with heroin. You are a necessary commodity, and therefore when you prove to be no longer useful to self-medicate with, the narcissist will immediately devalue and discard you and replace you with someone else who can fulfil that task.
The replacement person may have been groomed and waiting for quite some time, if not already enlisted in the narcissist’s life.
In relation to Family of Origin narcissistic relationships, as well as those with toxic neighbours, business partners, friendships or any other capacity – the narcissist’s involvement with you is all about what they get out of it. The narcissist seeks to make you responsible for tending to and dancing around their wounds, by using you to their advantage and scapegoating you as the person to blame for why they have such disgraceful and regular all-consuming negative emotions when their inner traumas are not being offset adequately enough with narcissistic supply.
This is heart-breaking when we understand that a parent, sibling, or some other significant person in our life is supposed to have the resources to be loving, supportive, empathetic and caring. The sad truth is, if a person is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, regardless of who this person is in your life, they simply can’t help being a narcissist.
When a narcissist discards you, things don’t end pleasantly and in a way that can be processed humanely. The methods of discard are brutal; you will be accused of all and sundry, possibly even being the narcissist yourself. The narcissist will assert that they were honest, loving and credible and that you threw their love away and acted with a lack of integrity and care for them. There will be zero responsibility taken for their behaviour, actions, words and lies, regardless of what you discover about what they have really been up to.
Once you are no longer adequately serving their False Self, you need to be completely delisted – meaning you will be smeared and discredited to anyone who will listen.
You will be dismayed to discover that there is no empathy, compassion or concern for your life now. In fact, if the narcissist can make you pay dearly for not serving their False Self adequately, by pillaging and raping everything from you that they believe they are entitled to (like a vulture ravaging a dying animal) this further vindicates their nasty insatiable ego.
And enough will never be enough – if you allow it.
All of this is shocking because YOU regard humans as human beings, not objects. You care about their heart and soul rather than objectifying or sexualising them and using them for ego feeds and agendas. It is unthinkable for you to be able to grasp how the narcissist operates.
We have to wake up …
The relationship was never about you, team or ‘us’, it was about being with a severely damaged individual whose thoughts and actions were always about them, without consciousness or remorse.
What Constitutes Narcissistic Discard?
We may think it is a narcissist leaving our life and never wanting anything to do with us again, but really this narcissistic delisting is something we experience over and over with a narcissist even when still attached to them.
We are discarded every time we are dismissed, deemed irrelevant, or dehumanised, which of course is part and parcel of narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse tears up the very fabric of our soul, and our humanness – the place of feeling whole, valued and safe.
Why Must the Narcissist Discard You?
To preserve his or her False Self, the narcissist must deny and reject your True Self.
Deep within, your True Self knows it deserves honesty, team play, empathy and real love. The trauma screaming inside you is because you are not living aligned with your True Self. The emotional pain is the signal to tell you how far off track this relationship is.
If your needs, feelings and opinions were valued by the narcissist, this would mean that you would no longer be dancing around the narcissist’s wounds, pandering and catering to them.
This is why the narcissist will not listen to your grievances, take responsibility or value your feelings. He or she does not want to work towards solutions and harmony with you or amend their narcissistic behaviour. They want you to stay asleep and keep feeding their egoic significance. Each and every time they hook you and you respond with any energy towards them, they achieve this.
You waking up, pulling away or starting to assert your own needs, boundaries and rights by no longer marching to their drum, or arguing with them or justifying yourself whilst trying to get the narcissist to change, stops feeding the narcissist.
Then they must discard you and move on to more fertile narcissistic supply.
This also happens when you became so sick, needy or emptied out that there is nothing left for them to gain.
Hopefully you can move yourself into the first category, and heal from this, so that you truly embody that to be discarded by a No-person is not about being betrayed and ditched by someone who was capable of love – rather it was a blessing, releasing you into a true life of loving yourself and now being free to generate true love.
Deep Quantum Truths Regarding Narcissistic Discard
The horrible, never-ending and disastrous eventuality for narcissists is that all relationships with others will end up being discarded, discredited and delisted by them.
The real reason for this is because the narcissist has completely discarded themselves.
The narcissist has attempted to kill off their own True Self; they have disowned and divorced themselves from it and put a fictitious character in its place (the False Self).
When the deeply damaged, wounded and abandoned True Self emerges, the narcissist lines someone else up, projects their pain onto them and tries to destroy them, which unconsciously is all about trying to destroy their shameful True Self – the inner vulnerable parts that they have no desire to meet, heal and resurrect in order to become whole.
The narcissist does not relate to him or herself with empathy, love, kindness, vulnerability or self-honesty or self-soothing. Instead, the narcissists self-relationship is delusional; it operates in egoic and pathologically disordered ways, designed to prop up the False Self and grant this fragile insecure identity the feed of significance.
The narcissist has no resources to relate to you as a valued human with a soul, because people cannot grant what and who they are not Being to themselves.
When we realise this deeper truth, we can stop trying to hold narcissists responsible for caring about us and valuing us. They have NO ability to.
Which then leads us to our true liberation …
How can we take our power back by healing what we need to?
Healing Our Own Self-discard
We were all discarded by narcissists.
We all discovered that, we were not important to this person in the ways that we wish to be valued by those we love.
Where we can go so wrong is to try to force the narcissist to be like a normal person – to have empathy, care, compassion and real love for us. Now I hope that you can understand why this was never going to work.
Our salvation, healing and emancipation from the terrible trauma of a narcissist’s discard, only comes by turning inwards with self-inquiry, and then committing to the inner work to heal.
These questions are vital:
How have I discarded my own inner being, truth and soul by remaining attached to someone trying to force them to care for, value and love me?
Where am I struggling to be my own source of love, acceptance and support?
What traumas in my life have left me feeling so discarded – unworthy, unloved and unsafe – that I am repeating this with other incapable and damaged people now?
Have I had enough of painful relationships with toxic people, to turn inwards and heal my love trajectory, so that I can be healed and whole and access real relationships with other whole and genuinely loving people?
(How do you feel about these questions? Are you on this journey of self-healing yet? Are you ready to start? I’d love you to answers in the comments below.)
I promise you these are all the questions and conclusions that I came to myself when I took my power back and decided to take matters into my own heart and hands to heal this.
I used to experience relationships of continued abandonment – being thrown under a bus and being brutally and cruelly repeatedly discarded. These relationships impacted on me so severely I truly would have died if I kept continuing this pattern.
I knew I had to heal and uplevel myself into a healthy self-partnered relationship, one where I would never again discard or abandon myself, regardless of who anyone else was or wasn’t being or doing.
This is the work that I passionately encourage and help guide others to do, after narcissistic abuse, as a step-by-step process which to date has liberated thousands of people from over 90 different countries worldwide from the torturous trauma of narcissistic discard.
Maybe you’ve been reading my blogs and listening to my videos for a long time but have never taken the first step to start doing the real work – the inner transformational healing – that is so needed to heal from this.
If this is you, it’s time! You can begin working with myself and thousands of other thrivers in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain (your whole real life) by doing so.
And as always, I am so looking forward to answering your questions and comments.