My heart goes out to you if you are faced with this very difficult question.
Maybe you are being abused by a family member and no matter how much you have tried to reason with them, stop the nastiness, or even withdraw for a while … things just aren’t getting better.
And maybe you have the beliefs that ‘family is forever’ and ‘blood is thicker than water’.
How can you protect yourself and stop getting hurt? How can you regain your lifeforce, and NOT feel guilty about saying ‘No More!’ to this person?
I promise you there is a way, where you won’t feel like you are doing the wrong thing, because when you get CLEAR, you will lovingly and powerfully offer that family member a chance to make THEIR choice. And you can do this GUILT FREE.
Find out how in this very important Thriver TV episode, which I know, if you are suffering from family narcissistic abuse, will help you so much.
Today’s Thriver TV focuses on a very big question.
Many of you are suffering abuse from a narcissistic family member.
You may believe you can’t go No Contact because as we were all brought up to believe – family always sticks together, and we are responsible and have obligations to them.
Or maybe, understandably, you are forever hopeful that you can finally have the relationship with this family member that you have always wanted.
In today’s TTV episode I want to take you through this, how to know when you may need to go No Contact with an abusive family member, and what that looks like, as well as how to do it guilt and pain free.
And, if you don’t have to go No Contact, what that looks like too.
So just before we dive in, I would love to thank all of you who have subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission, and I’d love to remind you to like this video if you enjoy it!
Okay, let’s begin…
Why Are Family Relationships Deemed Harder To Disconnect From?
So many people say, ‘This is my mother, father, brother, sister or even child, HOW can I turn my back on them?’.
I can assure you that there are countless people in this Community who have laid the ultimate No Contact boundary with abusive family members, even with their own children.
It doesn’t mean that they are bad people for abandoning key family members. It means they finally realised that this person was destroying them, as well as the people and missions that were important to them.
They also understood that in no way was their involvement with this person helping them to wake up, take responsibility or get better.
Let me put it to you this way – imagine someone drowning in a toxic vat of poison, and you jumped in to try to get them out of it, and they had no inclination to leave the vat and instead just wanted to pull you deeper into it with them.
Is your sense of loyalty and love for them, or your desire for their loyalty and love worth destroying yourself for?
The fact that you are watching this episode probably means that you have already tried everything over the years to pull them out of this stinking toxic vat, but nothing has worked. And, the more you have tried, the more you are getting repeatedly slimed and infected as well.
I know you may not think you have a choice.
The ONLY choice you need to make is to live a wholesome truly healthy life. There is no other choice than that.
I promise you there will be a way that your empowered choice will grant the abusive family member their own choice, and that is – either get on board with being respectful – or don’t.
And the result will mean that you can be free to take your precious soul energy back for yourself and the people and missions in your life that are healthy. Those being the ones that will respond and come with you on this incredible journey of life.
The Thriver Quantum Truth
If you love a toxic person then you truly have a responsibility to be a living example of health to them – which is ‘I will not experience your abuse anymore. This is where I draw my line’.
That is the only way you will help them heal (if that is possible), because NOW if they want to remain connected, they will need to be a respectful decent person around you to do so.
If you honour yourself in honourable ways then you honour all of the Field, including all others.
You are not honouring anyone, and certainly not yourself, by allowing another’s abuse into your life.
I promise you that with key people in my life, including my own son, I had to lay the ultimate boundary, ‘This is what I will accept and what I won’t and there can’t be any more contact unless we meet at a healthier place’.
The most effective way to teach people how to treat you is to be lovingly and totally honest – tell difficult people that you want a more loving, closer relationship with them, and if it’s not possible then you will disconnect. And mean it. Words aren’t enough. Boundaries mean following through with action.
Unless you are TRUE to your own soul and are the steadfast guardian of it, you are never whole enough to truly love, honour or contribute to anyone else’s life anyway.
How can you be, when you are diminished, victimised, unloved, unrecognised, unappreciated and resentful?
My Journey With Family Members
I knew after previously suffering narcissistic abuse and continually staying attached trying to change people and being re-traumatised, almost fatally, that I was NEVER going to experience that again … even from my own flesh and blood.
Was I just ‘able’ to logically get to this level of being prepared to ‘lose it all to get it all’ and follow through?
Once upon a time I was riddled with guilt, the fear of smearing and what people would say, and the terror of being alone and losing key family members that I had wanted a loving relationship with all my life.
I had a lot of shifting on painful, stuck beliefs to do. And I diligently did that work with NARP and later my Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Program (which follows on from NARP as a powerful clean-up of family trauma).
After doing this work and honouring my soul by speaking up about what I needed and being prepared never to compromise myself again, if respect and decency were not forthcoming, key relationships in my life transformed beyond description.
Some others have left my life without pain or regret. We just are not a match and that is okay.
I’ve let go of any ‘what ifs and regret’ with Quanta Freedom Healing. I’m free to be me, and they are free to be whatever their version of life is as well.
Downscaling Unhealthy Expectations
Okay, the most important thing you need to start understanding is not even about the family member – it truly starts with you.
There is an ACCEPTANCE you need to reach and get clear about.
If people don’t have the resources, they don’t have the resources.
You may want your mother to truly love, connect with you and share and listen to you from the heart as you have seen how other people have that with their mothers. BUT … maybe your mother is not capable of that.
Maybe she had a difficult childhood. Maybe she has never been connected to vulnerability in her heart or the ability to be deep, caring and compassionate with anyone. Maybe she only ever knew about survival and practicalities, because her generation didn’t embrace empathy and emotional connection.
When we feel like we have missed out, we need to accept they may NEVER be able to grant what we want in the way that we feel we need it from them. This means we need to come home to be the loving parent and inner supportive, caring force that we never received, to ourselves.
This is one of the reasons why NARP has been so successful for not just healing people in this community from abusive love intimate partners, it also reaches back into the trauma from our families, and clears this – from our parents and ancestors that caused us the disconnection from not loving and being whole within ourselves.
Life is bountiful and plentiful, there is love and wholeness everywhere. We suffer when we believe our source of these things has to come from specific sources. It is an incredibly liberating human graduation when we realise that this is a lie that has kept us victimised and traumatised.
You can set yourself free from this.
Understanding this was huge for me.
It truly changes everything.
Laying Your Boundaries With Family Members
If you have been healing your traumas from childhood and know that you can downscale your expectations healthily and be at peace with family member relationships then this is great.
However, if you know there are still behaviours that cross your boundaries and hurt you, then there is more work to do.
This starts by being very clear about what you will and won’t accept in your life and having the inner deservedness to know you can generate these things regardless of what other people do or don’t choose to do.
People don’t have to agree with your boundaries and truths for you to live them.
And no matter how much people may try to guilt you, manipulate you or abuse you to get you to drop your boundaries, your true power comes from living them anyway.
Here is where we champion ourselves or remain victims to others.
Are you able to walk your truth regardless?
Are you able to anchor into the Creation of your True Life, rather than keep handing your power away to others, even if you lose these people?
These are very important questions – because when you lay boundaries (truthfully and lovingly is best – more about how to soon!) you cannot be attached to outcomes.
Boundaries are NOT to make anyone do something. They are only about giving them options.
Rather, boundaries are about YOU DOING something – taking back your life and control – making your decisions about how your life goes.
It goes like this: ‘You can join me if you like, and not if you don’t. Either way, I am walking this truth regardless’.
It is normal to be terrified about having honest, difficult, self-honouring conversations. Confrontations are hard yet an incredibly rewarding thing to do.
When you get to this level, you will no longer ever be abused. If you don’t want to work on yourself to get to this level of development, you will always continue to be susceptible to abuse.
At this level of self, your life will shape into disappointing family members stepping up to meet you at this higher level of respectful communion and love, or they will leave your experience, causing your life to open up, generate and accept REAL loving and genuine connections in all areas, even if that has never been previously possible in your life.
Do you believe your soul evolution is going to get handed to you on a silver plate? Think again … it isn’t, the relationships you need to transform, or leave, were always meant to be the most painful ones that you could imagine. How else were you going to become a full source to self, generating your life with life and others powerfully and healthily?
Laying Your Boundaries With Family Members
If you can’t downscale expectations and be at peace with the way a family member behaves or treats you, then it’s time to show up honestly.
If you have terror about doing that or are not prepared to honour yourself in the decision they make – then there is inner work to do.
Ultimately, to grant them the opportunity to be respectful, you do need to be willing to lose it all to get it all.
And possibly more than once to see if it is real. They may decide to meet you ‘this’ time at your needs, yet the actions don’t meet the words in the future. Then you go back to No Contact unless they choose to take responsibility and show up respectfully.
And … you need to mean it.
Can you see how this is THEIR choice and not yours?
You are simply living your life truthfully and lovingly (love always starts with healthy self-love and devotion). You are healing, growing and evolving yourself out of painful family toxicity and leading the way for your future generations.
You are breaking the cycles of abuse.
You are being the change that you want to live in your life, and see in this world and in all families, from the inside out.
That is not just your Soul Right it is your Soul Contribution to ALL others.
Can you understand that if we all took that level of radical personal responsibility that there would be no more abuse or abused people in the world?
Let’s go back to the vital understanding – If you honour yourself, you honour all of Life in honourable ways.
Now do you understand why? Especially with KEY people in your life?
If so – write ‘I get it’ below.
Are you ready to join myself and other countless Thrivers who live this life of empowered personal responsibility and receive wonderful genuine interpersonal relationships?
If you have had enough of abuse at any level, including from family members, find out HOW we do this by clicking this link.
And if you enjoyed this video make sure you give it a thumbs up and share with the people you love and your communities so that they and their families can also break free from abuse.
I’m so looking forward to answering your comments and questions about this very important topic below.