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When Sex Abuse Victims Aren

What Happens When Sex Abuse Victims Aren’t Supported And Nurtured?

When Sex Abuse Victims Aren't Supported And Nurtured

 

Three weeks ago, I wanted your decision to call off the engagement, to be about me-about something I did or didn’t do.  Three weeks ago, I began the inner dialogue of playing the ‘what if’ game:  “What if I had sent a more loving text?”; “What if I had sat closer to him at soccer practice?”; “What if I had planned a romantic weekend instead of buying Valentine’s Day gifts?”

Three weeks ago, I was drowning in self-doubt and self-blame. I thought about all of my flaws: my middle-aged after three children body, my short-temper, my overly analytical mind.

Three weeks ago I needed something tangible, something I could isolate- an exact moment when I destroyed the relationship. This discovery would empower me: it would give me control.  If I had this tidbit, then I would not be a victim again. I would protect myself.  I would use this as a reminder to what I had learned so many times: never be vulnerable; always be vigilant.

My vigilance was complete and steady until recently. 

I fully blame the media for my change in heart. I was inundated with another v-word- vulnerability.  Vulnerability was all the buzz when it came to unlocking the secrets to finding and keeping love.

Studies were conducted, articles and books were written, T.V. shows and documentaries were made. All of these purported the same message: Vulnerability is key to a true connection.  But, I am a hard sell.  It wasn’t until I went to see a long-awaited film that I gave this notion some real thought.

In late October, on a really bad date, I went to see the film A Star Is Born. I was absolutely stunned by the performances both actors gave. It wasn’t just the vocals or the acting- although both were superb-rather, it was the lesson they learned.

The characters, both struggling with their own demons, together find their way out of hell by letting down their guard and trusting the other. The scenes where Ally and Jackson allowed themselves to be vulnerable were both uncomfortable and beautiful to me.  I wanted to be Ally—not just because of her voice and marriage to Jackson- I longed to know what it was like to trust someone enough to be completely vulnerable.

When Sex Abuse Victims Aren’t Supported And Nurtured

Vulnerability is often learned at the hand of trauma.

I have learned this more times than I will ever admit. Sometimes it is extreme like sexual and physical abuse and sometimes it is a matter of being demeaned, humiliated, ignored.  And unlike adults, children are not allowed or not encouraged to feel how they feel. They bury the feelings of betrayal, confusion, anger, and rejection. Or if they are allowed to feel some of the emotions, it is not under the care of a professional or a trusted adult.

What makes childhood abuse so detrimental to future relationships is the victim learning the hard way that you cannot trust those who were supposed to have protected you.  It is the memory of recalling what it was like to be in a situation in which you have no control and no one would answer your calls for aid.  It is the anger that comes with knowing that telling about the abuse will make things worse and leave even more people broken and hurt.

Children learn quickly.  The subtext that they pick up on really quickly is this:  society blames victims- especially women.

When a woman is raped, how often does she feel the scrutiny of outfits and interactions? When a woman is abused by her partner, what gossip does she hear about her inabilities and insanity? When a woman is mentally terrorized, how often does she see another rewarded for her tenacity to go through the hell?

The blame game impacts every young woman-those who have experienced abuse and those who have not.

It is extremely common for trauma victims to blame themselves because they are looking for a defense mechanism against the most awful feeling in the world: powerlessness. It is also extremely common for all humans to want to understand. Children who have known trauma, don’t often get to address these issues.

When a caretaker or parent doesn’t ensure that these feelings are addressed, the child will find a resolution: self-blame.  The repercussions will certainly continue if the victim (If we) never come to know that it wasn’t our fault; it wasn’t our choice; it wasn’t what we deserved.

What I deserve (d) was the ability to be vulnerable, to have parents and caring adults protect me from the evil that targeted me.  I deserved to be believed, supported, and nurtured when these same adults failed to protect me. I didn’t deserve to have my pain buried, to have my self-esteem diminished, to have my self-love lessened. I deserved complete and unfaltering love.

I believe in healing.  I believe that trauma is only a part of who we are.  I believe we have to stop re-traumatizing ourselves.  I believe we have to stop repeating the cycle of pain.  I believe that we can see ourselves as brave warriors and not victims.  And I most definitely still believe in love.

The post What Happens When Sex Abuse Victims Aren’t Supported And Nurtured? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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The Answer To Narcissistic Abuse That No Is Talking About – Peptide Addiction

The Answer To Narcissistic Abuse That No Is Talking About – Peptide Addiction

 

WHY it is so hard too let go of abusers.

WHY  can’t we stop thinking about them …

And …

WHY it has been so DIFFICULT to get over narcissistic abuse and get well.

When you understand peptide addiction you will realise you are NOT mad, failing or hopeless.

Rather, your body is just doing what all of ours do when they receive large rushes of emotions regularly.

Also …  the best bit about today’s Thriver TV episode is that it may be JUST the key for you to understand HOW to break your Peptide Addiction and no longer suffer the hooks, addiction and obsessions about the narcissist.

Forever …

 

 

Video Transcript

Peptide addiction is one of the most vital things to ever realise about narcissistic abuse recovery. Truly, this may be one of the most important videos of mine that you ever watch.

Why?

Because it will grant you the answers, relief and the true solution that maybe no-one has told you about until now.

Firstly, knowing about peptide addiction explains why the addiction and obsession to a narcissist are so extreme.

It also allows you to know you aren’t going mad or failing. The relief is; finally, you know that the reason why you can’t get over this isn’t that you are defective or stupid, which is how we’ve all felt.

It also explains exactly why victims of narcissistic abuse who are not shifting and healing out of peptide addiction, progressively get sicker and sicker, and why when severe trauma is involved time does not heal these wounds.

Okay, so truly all of that normal progressive deterioration that comes with narcissistic abuse, even after no contact, can end right here because, in today’s Thriver TV episode, I am going to explain to you exactly what peptide addiction is to you, point blank, as well as precisely how to heal from it. This means that you can reset to wellbeing and freedom and not only get completely clean of the narcissist but also the painful patterns of abuse and unfulfilling relationships in your life.

Many of you through my work already understand peptide addiction, and some of you may not. It’s kind of weird that I haven’t done a video specifically on this topic before, because it really does deserve its own episode.

There is severe trauma bonding that occurs with a narcissist, but no matter which way we slice it or dice it, if we understand peptide addiction and how to effectively heal from it, every aspect of our trauma bonding melts away, and we heal and evolve beyond abusers and abuse. We also heal from all the symptoms of narcissistic abuse, such as PTSD and adrenal malfunction, and the other associated nasties.

So, let’s dive in!

 

What Are Peptides?

Peptides are the regular doses of a particular chemical release, an amino acid chain that is created by our hypothalamus (a region of the forebrain involved in emotional activity) that the cells of our body receive.

There is a peptide for every emotion, good or bad, that is manufactured by our hypothalamus depending on our emotional perception of an event in our life. Our brain wiring fires off the signal to our hypothalamus which then manufactures the corresponding chemical to release into our bloodstream.

Our perception of any event is, of course, personal and will relate to our already existing belief systems, our already established Inner Identity composition, on any particular topic.

This means that ten people could view one identical event, and all have a different emotional perception and subsequent brain peptide manufacturing and distribution result.

For example, one person whose Inner Identity regarding her self-love and worth and ability to generate her own life is whole and solid, may be abused verbally by someone. Her perception and peptides that are distributed relate to self-love, inner determination, and self-devotion. She rejects this person’s attack on her, by pulling away and detaching and not being involved with them anymore. Her life goes on healthily.

Another person is abused by someone. Due to their already existing unhealed wounds and relationship patterns, this sets off huge triggers within them relating to feelings of betrayal, rejection, and the threat of abandonment.

As long as this person is not yet a healed and whole generative source to themselves, they are hooked into other people trying to get them to provide it for them, and when a particular false assigned source doesn’t, then big feelings of powerlessness, victimisation, and other nasty emotions occur.

These are the chemical peptides being manufactured by the hypothalamus that are being distributed.

The greater the emotional content in our perception the larger the dose of peptides that are manufactured and distributed throughout our Being to be absorbed into our cells.

Now let’s have a look at the next piece of this puzzle.

 

The Quality of Peptides

We are literally becoming, cellularly, the quality of the rushes of emotional doses, the peptides, that we are regularly receiving.

We feel our peptides, somatically, literally.

Good peptides that add to our True Self, which are loving, self-honouring and authentically about us living our truth from the inside out, feel great.

Letting go of our trauma and resolving our previous wounds leads to being solid, safe, honest, whole and self-generative. Like the first example given regarding the inner chemical response to being ‘abused’ this is the ability to feel great and whole no matter what anyone else is or isn’t doing.

These peptides are of high quality. They feel wonderful in our body. They increase our cell’s ability to absorb nutrients and oxygen. Many Thrivers, including myself, who healed from a victimised peptide addiction to self-honouring peptide manufacturing, start looking younger, healthier and more radiant than we have our entire life.

Nasty peptides that all come with not releasing internal trauma and reliving more of the same trauma and being hooked into abusers trying to change them in order to feel whole, safe and healthy, which doesn’t happen, gives us large doses of negative victim peptides that feel terrible in our body and diminish the cell’s ability to assimilate nutrients and oxygen.

So, in summary; high-grade peptides mean healing, wellbeing and personal integration, and low-grade peptides mean progressive sickness and personal disintegration.

Now let’s look at how we get hooked into internal painful peptide manufacture.

 

How Are Peptides Addictive?

Peptides are as addictive as any synthetic drug known to man. Studies with rats have found that after receiving regular doses of peptides, they became so addicted that these rats would forgo all self-care and even food and water to obtain the peptide. The quality of the peptide was irrelevant, good or bad; it made no difference.

The deadly loop of peptide addiction works like this:

The cells of your body which receive a peptide when regularly splitting, double the receptor docking points to receive that specific peptide. This means if you are experiencing large emotional doses of anger, victimisation, betrayal, heartbreak etc., then as time goes on you are being hardwired more and more to ‘want’ more of those specific emotions.

It’s so important to understand this Quantum Truth, the cells of your body are unconditional, they have absolutely no preference regarding the grade of peptide they are hooked on.

All cellular addictions work like this: your cells progressively need more and more of the peptide to fulfil them. This means you will think more about the terrible events that create these awful feelings and you will have all sorts of reasons and excuses to hook into and up with the abuser again. This is all to do with obtaining more of the ‘drug’, the peptides, that this person provides. They are the ‘drug dealer’ for your cells.

Now here’s one of the crazy and awful things about peptide addiction, if you break free from the abuser and don’t think about them for a while, your addicted cells have a plan to get their fix again. A small amount of the peptide has been stored in your cells, and is secreted into your bloodstream, reaches your brain and triggers you into thinking about that trauma again.

Bingo! The brain fires off the electrical signal, the hypothalamus manufactures the peptide again, and the cells are back in business!

So now do you understand why the bad feelings and thoughts feel so powerful and hard to escape and why you might be constantly tempted into breaking no contact?

Do you understand now, in regard to any addiction in your life, why your brain comes up with every and any reason to just have ‘one last hoorah’?

Can you see this is an actual physiological thing happening in your cells and that you are not defective, useless and going mad?

I so hope this information helps you. If it does, please let me know in the comments below.

The truth that most people aren’t telling you about, which neuroscientists and Quantum Teachers know, is that your brain follows your body. It is always organising itself around the thinking that will fulfil the already existing programs and addictions within your cells. This is why we can’t ‘think’ our way out of our emotional traumas and inner subconscious programs.

Because our brain agrees with them!

So how do we get out of this terrible all-encompassing physiologically addictive loop?

 

Healing from Peptide Addiction, and Therefore Narcissistic Abuse

The healing has to take place cellularly, in your Inner Being. It’s the only way to get well. The shift doesn’t and can’t happen logically.

The first step is always this, detach from and leave alone the source of the drug. No Contact or strict Modified Contact with the abuser is needed.

Then it’s time to face and detox our cells from this terrible addiction. We do this by doing the inner work to hold, load up and let go of the traumas we are feeling. The terrible feelings of victimisation, powerlessness, resentment, heartbreak and all those feelings that come with the victimisation of not yet being a healed whole source to ourselves and handing away our power and selves to abusers.

When we use the NARP Modules to clear these traumas, what happens is we are cleaning up and detoxifying from all the related traumas on our timeline that are the beliefs and perceptions generating these horrible peptides.

Once this happens, our cells lose their previous distribution and start receiving large doses of Source (the wellbeing/Lifeforce that heals what we can’t) that fill the cells where the trauma peptides once were. As the old cells die off, new ones are produced with more and more docking receptors to receive Source-generated True Self peptides.

And our thinking starts to align with this because the brain is following the body. Additionally, wound by wound, because we have been releasing causation core traumas, and their beliefs, and shifting into Source truths on these topics, our old victimised clumps of brain wiring is released and starts to form new and healthy beliefs, perceptions and therefore feelings.

You literally become a New Self who could no longer be hooked up into abuse, any more than a healthy person could digest greasy hamburgers every day. It’s just not you anymore.

I’m incredibly passionate about helping people heal and detox from their peptide addictions. Many of us including myself had naturally very addictive beings and have been hugely susceptible to this.

This I promise you, the solution is easy, and relief comes very quickly just by applying an energetic tool that can release cellular trauma. That’s what all of my inner transformational work is about, deeply and powerfully changing ourselves from the inside out.

If this really spoke to you, and I know for many people understanding peptide addiction is the exact key needed, please join me in dissolving this deadly cycle once and for all.

I’m going to help you get out of this nightmare that has been hijacking your entire being, and please know the longer we leave our peptide addiction unhealed, the more and more ingrained and hardwired it becomes in our Inner Identity.

But you can start reversing it today by clicking this link.

And, if you liked this video, click the Like button, and if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And please share with your communities, so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And as always, I’d love to love to answer your comments and questions below.

 

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domestic abuse victim

Domestic Abuse Victim? Where To Find Help

domestic abuse victim

 

There is help if you are a victim of domestic violence!

“Look at this food you have fixed for me! Do you call this dinner? I wouldn’t even feed this to a dog!” he screams as he swings his lengthy arm across the table knocking the food onto the floor.

Quickly she kneels to the floor. Her eyes dare not to look at him for she knows what will happen. She picks up the broken plates with her shaking hands and holds back the tears until she is alone.

Suddenly, a blow to the back of her head causes her to fall unconscious to the floor. The room is dark. There are faint cries in the background. It is her youngest son. She knows she must get up. If she does not, she fears his anger will be redirected to her son. She struggles to open her eyes, but she cannot. She tries to move her arms, but they will not move. She wants to cry out to her son to comfort him, but the words will not come. Slowly her son’s cries become more distant and then…nothing.

Every three minute a woman is beaten by her husband or boyfriend.

More women die from domestic violence than heart failure. Most abusive men have grown up in an abusive household.

Domestic violence happens every day. You are not alone. There is help out there.

Choosing to escape a violent relationship is scary. There are so many reasons you think of to stay. He might change or is just having a bad day. Maybe I should have done something better. Maybe it is all my fault. No one deserves to be abused in any form whether it is verbal or physical. And, statistics show that without help, an abuser will not stop and will only become more violent.

So you may be wondering how you will live. I do not know if I can afford it on my own. There are many sources out there willing to help you to get back on your feet in a safe environment.

Where will I go where he will not find me? He swore if I ever leave him he will kill me. You do not have to live in fear. There are many resources online, and you can find a local number to a crisis center in your phone book.

The first thing you need to do is to realize you are a domestic abuse victim.

Once you have done that then you need to make a plan.

When you get a chance to be alone, you can call the domestic violence helpline. They will offer you suggestions on what to do next. If you are in immediate danger call 911. If he is only in jail for a few hours then pack a bag and run to a shelter.

If that is not an option and you have the time to plan your escape then here are some suggestions to help you when you are ready. Pack a suitcase and hide it in a bus station or a friend’s house. Get a cell phone. A pre-paid cell has no contract, so there will not be any bill sent to your home. If you can stash a little money back if it means you have to tell him that you spent more at the store than you did.

Find a friend that you can trust. Whether it be a family friend or someone from the crisis center. Let them know of your plan and let them help you to make your getaway.

There are many support groups and advocate agencies out there. It is up to you to make the first step.

The post Domestic Abuse Victim? Where To Find Help appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How To Know If You Are Thriving After Abuse

How To Know If You Are Thriving After Abuse

 

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series, the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

I get asked all the time by people, ‘How do I know if I’m Thriving?’ ‘How do I know if I’ve made it?’

In today’s The Thriver Life Series episode, I’m going to help you clear up all the confusion about this and let you know exactly how to tell if you are Thriving!

I remember I used to ask the same thing, but truly I was asking myself these questions from the defunct beliefs of perfectionism and conditions on myself, rather than the true sense of Thriving.

What is really beautiful, is that I have seen time and time again when people start applying the real laws of Thriving, they, like I have, start bursting free into joy, personal power and happy onward and upward progress.

Okay, so before we unpack today’s episode, I just want to check in with you, if you haven’t already subscribed to my channel, if you love my videos, make sure that you do, and leave a like if you enjoy this one.

And thank you for being my subscriber, because just recently I reached the 100,000 subscriber milestone, which is so exciting! Please know how grateful I am for your support for the Thriver Mission.

 

 

If you prefer – read the transcript below …

 

The Answer to ‘What Thriving Is’ (straight away!)

Unlike most of my videos where I like to string you out for the answer, let’s just get to it – Thriving is this: being the master of continually working with and uplevelling your life.

So now that you have the true answer – what does it really mean?

In the simplicity of what ‘Thriving’ really is there are certain things that it definitely isn’t.

It doesn’t mean feeling great all the time.

It doesn’t mean getting it right all the time.

It doesn’t mean never having setbacks.

And thank goodness it doesn’t mean that we must be all sorted and healed and have everything perfectly in order to be successful at being a human and generating our Thriver life.

Rather, what it does mean is that we know how to work with the Laws of a Life in order to be in synch with a Higher Power, which will always flourish and nourish us with a constant stream of wellbeing if we know how to be aligned with it.

 

How Do We Align With ‘Thriving’?

There are several Quantum Truths that we need to accept and get integrated within us to truly Thrive, and I deeply recommend Narpers if you struggle with any of these to do Module work on them to release all and any traumas not allowing you to be aligned with them.

Once you do release the opposing traumas, you will be thrilled beyond measure to discover that these Laws of Life just ARE your inner coded DNA truth when you no longer have traumas taking you away from them.

These Thriver truths are:

  • Any trauma within me, once it is in my being, can only be released and resolved by me. Waiting for others to do this for me means I remain victimised by them. Now I take my power back by turning inwards to be my own healer and emancipator.
  • I accept that all triggers coming from within or without are an inner signal showing me a trauma, that once released, will allow even more space within me for wellbeing to enter.
  • The more I release trauma from within, the more wisdom, humility, love, power and success I become.
  • The only person holding me back from Thriving has been me (specifically my inner wounds) and all that hurts and disappoints me is the conscious evidence of these wounds.
  • The only power I have is deciding and becoming who I am regarding that person or thing – then it will either shift to meet me or completely leave my experience. Either way, I go free.
  • When I work on my wholeness and need nothing to be whole, people and things rush into my experience to further fill me.
  • If I trust me, then there is no necessity to fear others. I simply honour my truth and show up honestly and authentically in my calm and true power. All false sources are exposed under such a bright light.
  • When my being is ready to shed the next big survival trauma from within me, which can’t come with me up to the next level of my higher evolution, I am going to have repeat painful events from The Field (Life) to being this trauma that needs releasing to my attention and/or I am going to be triggered hugely into old panic, fear, pain and feelings of powerlessness. I accept and welcome this as the process of my evolution.
  • The real (and only) question regarding trauma is: ‘Am I going to go unconscious and into my head trying to battle this at the identical level of consciousness that matches the trauma, or am I going to remember the truth – that life is happening for me and not to me, meet it in my body, load it up and release it to replace it with my Higher Self?’ By doing the latter I no longer stay mired in it and evolve beyond it.

 

How Thriving Has Been Glorified

It’s so interesting that people think Thriving is a bed of roses, and people who don’t feel like they have reached some mystical land of ‘I’ve arrived!’ say to me ‘I’m not Thriving yet’. (Please know I used to be the same!) However, this I now know – if you are rolling up your sleeves and meeting your Inner Being and doing the work of releasing and replacing you trauma, as far as I am concerned you are Thriving.

Why? Because this means you are breaking out of the ridiculous human paradigms that we were taught, which is trying to think our way out of emotional traumas, never resolving them and then trying to live our life with the still existing trauma patterns within us, only being able to generate life at the same level of these traumas.

I understand that many of you, especially early on in your Thriver journey, may be shifting out lots of wounds with NARP, and find that initially when you shift a big trauma out that another one comes up, to be released, not far behind.

Yet, if you are going inwards, your statement to yourself is this: ‘I won’t accept living with embedded internal trauma anymore and I will do whatever it takes to free me from these chains. I know I must fight the battle to ultimately win the war. I know I have to meet and walk through and release the dark night of my soul in order to mine my gold that has been trapped within me all along. I’m prepared to do that. I know I haven’t gone through this painful life for nothing. I know there is a grand reward for me on the other side of this, when I get to unpack my trauma and live free of it.’

As a committed Thriver I want to share this with you – don’t want all your trauma gone today or tomorrow, and don’t believe you aren’t Thriving until it’s all gone.

Many of us started our Thriver commitment to ourselves with tons of trauma that we brought in from the human collective, past lives, epigenetically inherited trauma, our childhoods and the continuation of more accumulated identical adulthood trauma.

So much accumulated accentuated trauma that it finally got to the tipping point when we simply could not deal anymore. Finally, we were at the make or break point where we either turned inwards to heal, or we felt like we weren’t going to make it.

I know many of you, like me, had no choice other than to be on our couches or beds hiding from the world, meeting and releasing our wounds that we ultimately discovered were not, at the core, about the narcissist.

We discovered that the narcissist was a catalyst smashing these wounds up to the surface, to make them so unbearably intense that there was no avoiding them anymore, so that we could finally know them and heal them. We realised that not only were we freeing ourselves from the insane abuse and hooks of a particular person, we were ultimately finally addressing the emotional fractures which had been holding us back from our highest potential all along.

This is what Thriving is. We self-partner. We turned inwards. We no longer deny ourselves our own love and healing by fruitlessly trying to change someone or something else in order to heal.

We know finally that this is between us, our Inner Being and our Higher Self. This is the coming home to integrate this Holy Trinity, and if we don’t, we don’t evolve, rather we continue to disintegrate.

 

Releasing Our Conditional Perfectionism

Wailing out our wounds can’t be about ‘I’ll get it all done so that I can be perfect.’

Doing the Thriver inner work in its truest essence is about this – loving our True Self, our Inner Being enough to release him or her from trauma and bringing in the light to fill where those false beliefs and painful emotions were.

Thriving means simultaneously rejoicing in the transformational shifts that happen within and without whilst being fully accepting and lovingly devoted to going toward, loading up and releasing all and any further traumas that arise.

Imagine if you were a tiger with your cubs, you would adore seeing their development yet be truly committed to protecting them at any turn that is necessary.

This is the inner truth of Thriving – we are dedicated to consciousness, meaning we are grateful and observant of how we are showing up differently and doing things differently than we used to. As a result of shifting out our trauma, we are becoming a New Self, generating a New Life and we can rejoice in the miracle of this.

Yet we don’t use this as a spiritual bypass, such as: ‘I need to hold this feeling all the time! What do I need to stay here always?’

Nooooo … as Thrivers we are not scared to roll in the mud. In fact, we relish it!

We love our development and expansion every time a new trauma arises, knowing that we now have yet another opportunity to midwife our next breakdown/breakthrough to emerge as an even Higher and more Actualised Self than we were before doing so.

Thriving has nothing to do with how much trauma you still have on board, it has only to do with whether you are on this path or not.

Does this make sense? How do you feel after hearing what Thriving really is today?  I’d love to read your comments and answer any questions you may still have below.

If you want to take Thriving on with both hands and start living this way of living that we were all born to live, and truly you couldn’t give me all the tea in China to give this way of living up – you can join with me and thousands of people within this community who are Thrivers, starting today, by clicking on this link.

I so hope today’s video has granted you illumination and inspiration!

Also, whilst I am in LA, I am holding some events where I would love to see you if you can make it.

You can find out all the details by clicking here.

Many of you have asked if I can go to other parts of the USA whilst I am here on my book tour. I am returning to Melbourne next week but will be back at a later date visiting more cities.

 

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Why You Shouldn’t Give Up On Love After Narcissistic Abuse

Why You Shouldn’t Give Up On Love After Narcissistic Abuse

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I know, in this Community, Valentine’s Day can be a very painful day. When I was single I originally used to dread Valentine’s Day – it felt like such a confirmation that I was a  ‘relationship disaster’, yet once I started Thriver Healing it became my self-love day … and I thoroughly suggest you do the same!

But, more than this today, I want to talk to you about how you CAN Open your heart and love again after being devastated by a narcissist.

And it’s a very BIG and IMPORTANT topic because so many of you (as I originally felt too) never wanted to risk such excruciating love devastation again.

I understand – totally!

However, I also know what life is like on the other side – to make it here to real, safe, respectful and fulfilling love and I extend to you my hand and my heart to grant you the Life Raft to bring you here too.

 

 

Video Transcript

Zac and I just arrived off the plane and got settled in London, after a day and half of travel, and I just wanted to do this video for you today on Valentine’s Day. It’s such an important topic, about love, that is very dear to my heart.

But before I get into today’s topic, if you didn’t know why I am in London, I’m here doing a book tour for the next two weeks, celebrating the release of my new book. You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse’. You can find out all the details of the events and dates for the events here.

Okay, so onto today’s episode!

And it’s important for me to share this with you.  Some of you, as I am, are lucky enough to have wonderful partners in our life as a result of our inner work and breakthroughs. And others, as I once was too, are still struggling in painful relationships, or are single and feel a terrible defectiveness and loneliness on Valentine’s Day.

So many people in our community say, “I just can’t consider love again, I couldn’t risk ever going through that again.”

I get it. I truly do, one hundred percent! And please know, I am totally all for a healing hiatus after not just something as impactful as narcissistic abuse, but also any painful confusing or difficult relationship.

But can we safely love again? Can we open our heart enough to ever connect with another?

In today’s episode, I want to share with you how and why I believe the answer is a whopping big YES! As well as how this is possible, no matter how many times your heart has been broken and even if you think that real and true love is for other people, but just isn’t possible for you.

And the great news is, that you may not have realised yet that your ability to find and generate true love and avoid narcissistic and false love, has absolutely nothing to do with other people at all! You can take your power back and be the firm creator of this, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.

That’s not just glib. It’s the absolute truth!

So how can we have different love experiences than our past? The answer is: by changing the only person that we have the power to change, ourselves, at the Inner Identity level, because it is then that we DO change our internal love code.

Let’s look at this.

 

The Breakup:  The Breakdown Leading to Love Breakthrough

I really want you to know that after breaking up with someone, straight away or even decades later, this grants us the most incredible opportunity to heal within, to ensure we will never have to go through what we suffered again.

And of course, we can’t do this if we do what narcissists do, try to replace a love partner with new supply, just as someone would purchase a new puppy after their dog got run over. Of course, this is simply a continuation of more of the same, as well as absolutely no idea about what true love requires from our self and others.

Most of us could not just go after a new love partner after narcissistic abuse anyway. The truth is, for most of us, our soul is/was so shattered that there is very little chance of jumping back into a fire, and if we did the results would be almost sure to be disastrous.

Without Thriver Tools to deeply partner and heal our shattered self, it can take a long time before we feel ready for another relationship, or could even contemplate risking going through such a near-death experience again.

That’s exactly how I felt after my narcissistic relationship. It took me over three years to have another love relationship. At first, I was devastated that I was alone and shattered and thought that I would have no choice but to remain that way. However, as my Thriver Recovery got underway, I realised that the most profound relationship that I needed to establish was an integrated, unconditionally loving and accepting one with myself.

I realised that I had been the person missing in my life all along, and it was the lack of this that had caused me to hand my power away to abusers trying to earn their love, as well as cling to them throughout the abuse, because I hadn’t been filled and whole enough with my own love to let go.

The greatest relationship we can ever have is the one with ourselves and Source. And now I know that means seeing ourselves as Source sees us, lovable and worthy of love and Life’s blessings as we are and knowing that if we know this and let go of all the internal and extremal trauma not allowing us to be this, then we can be and will experience an incredible life, as well as true love.

The thing that I had been missing to this point regarding ‘love’ was this; True Love had to be between me and myself first.

There is a huge difference between loneliness and aloneness. The first experience is condemning the state and place we are in, whereas aloneness is using the state and the place we are in to have our healing hiatus to change our life and love potential beyond previous painful patterns.

 

How Did We Get Our ‘Love Beliefs’?

Why would we want to miss out on love? Everything that is great is a derivative of love. Love fills our heart, and it deepens our connection with life, self and others in blissful and miraculous ways.

Love can be ignited within us whether we are looking at the perfect symmetry of a flower, or being the recipient of a child’s smile, or petting our animal companions, or being held in the warm embrace of someone we love who loves us.

This following is the only reason we want to forego love – because of the traumatic beliefs that love hurts, and even that love can annihilate us.

Okay, so how did these terrible love beliefs get on board?

They are to do with our past life, epigenetic, childhood and repeat adult love traumas. These are the horrible experiences we’ve had in granting our hearts to people, who have smashed us open.

For many, this happened in childhood as complete dependents relying on caretakers who were possibly much less than healthily loving.

I firmly believe the truth is because of Quantum Law, ‘so within so without’, the traumas of these painful experiences were already in our energy fields pre-birth (science is now proving the truth of epigenetically inherited trauma), and the patterns continue via childhood and then into adulthood, until we can change the trauma pattern deep within ourselves.

Thankfully, now with Quantum Tools, we can release these traumas and free ourselves of the fear of love, to be able to show up in love healthily and solidly whilst being able to be loving, open, powerful and self-honouring simultaneously.

That is our love success holy grail.

The people I know who have got to that level, did everything to let go of the traumas of their past as their greatest mission, knowing that these weren’t keeping them safe, and they brought in their Source True Self replacement in its place, which allowed them to be authentic and showing up as their own Source of true power and safety.  They did this by working with NARP.

That’s what granted them the powerful shift in their internal Love Code.

 

When We Change Our Love Beliefs, We Change Our Choices

If we are free of the fears of love (the trauma related to it) as a result of the inner work, and we know how to navigate love healthily and safely, then I promise you we can connect with real love that is beautifully fulfilling.

False, unhealthy, unsafe love starts with a bang and degenerates. Real and healthy soulmate love is more of a slow burn. It is humane, respectful, and caring. It’s built on a basis of friendship and shared values as well as attraction and connection. It grows and expands over time. Respect, care, love, and consideration deepen as the relationship progresses.

And this is so interesting because truly our intimate relationship can mirror the Thriver healing relationship we are having with our self.

Over time, whilst on our inner dedicated healing journey, the more we self-partner, release trauma and bring in Source, this is exactly how our relationship with ourselves grows, as deeper and deeper self-love, tenderness, connection and devotion.

When we love our Inner Being, we do what any concerned adult would do for their own child, treat it with care, sensibility and wise guidance.

No longer do we live in ‘instant relationship’, ‘fairy-tale-love’ or ‘if love hurts it must be because it’s real‘. We drop these illusions, knowing that they are fraught with disappointment, heartfelt pain and even abuse.

And we stop believing that love ‘just happens’. It doesn’t.  It means getting very clear about our values, who we can have a wonderful relationship with and aligning with that truth.

Real love means choosing to take our time to get to know people and having the relationship grow at a pace that is healthy and incremental, to ascertain if this person, their life and character is a fit for who we are and how we wish to live.

If we have come from previous relationships where we handed power away and clung to abusers, instead of leaving to take care of ourselves, it means treating ourselves with the love, respect and boundaries that allow others to know our worth and how to treat us.

Real love can mean tough love. Not only does it mean going the extra mile for others out of the goodness of your heart, it also requires having difficult conversations when needed. And, if it turns out another’s values are not aligned with yours, then you love people enough to let them go and no longer hold them responsible for not giving you what you believed they should.

Real love also means taking on the gift of your own development to keep generating your truth with yourself and available people who are aligned with that truth.

 

The Belief That ‘The End’ is Something Terrible

Real love means growing out of the requirement that all relationships must end as ‘happily ever after’ and that they are a failure if they don’t. Or, that suffering is inevitable when we end a relationship because we feel we want to die if they end, or we can’t stand the thought of that person being with another. We may fear this terribly even though we were miserable and completely mismatched with them.

Or, maybe, we are so scared of ending a relationship, or feel so bad about doing that, that once we have connected with someone we make every excuse to just ‘go along’ even though we know in our heart that it’s not right to do so. That’s not serving them or us lovingly or truthfully at all.

Naturally, and for obvious reasons, these are major limiting beliefs that we all need to work with and heal to be able to explore and connect with relationships healthily, which also means having the right and power to end it if it becomes ‘no longer a true and healthy connection’.

 

Authenticity – Your Love, Power and Safety

This I know now after narcissistic abuse, healing my relationship with myself and being determined to enjoy the wondrous life and truth of ‘connection’ – that my ability to show up truthfully is what makes relationships safe. As does being truthful to myself about what character and values I require in a partner, in order to relate to such a person on a deep, true, loving soul level.

People who are ‘not nice people’ show you who they are. They tell you or demonstrate to you their lack of values, empathy, and lack of consideration for others, if you give it some time and don’t make excuses for them.

If we choose someone without the resources to be a loving partner, we are only going to have either a very superficial relationship with someone who doesn’t grant us what we really want, or we will have a struggle trying to force them to be who we wish they could be.

Either way equals how to lose at love.

The real questions are:

  • Are we prepared to be and connect to real love at that level?
  • Do we deserve to receive the best in love as well as give our best?
  • Are we going to be self-devoted enough to work on our wounds so that we don’t keep emotionally rolling around with more people who represent these exact wounds hoping they will do it better ‘this time’?
  • Are we able to choose people for their character and heart rather than their flashiness, looks or stuff?
  • Are we able to walk away if the relationship turns out not to have the resources and foundations that would make it safe, prosperous and divine?
  • Are we prepared to lose another rather than lose ourselves?

I hope that somewhere deep in your soul I have inspired you this Valentine’s Day to believe there is a way through the mess we have lived with narcissists, to reach real love. I promise you that if I could do this, after what I’ve experienced, you can too.

Okay, so, if deep inside your soul you know love is for you and you want to connect with it first safely and powerfully within you, and then as a healthy, kind and powerful outflow to others (in a way where you never have to go through abuse again) then I’d love to help you achieve this. To do so come over to my 16 Day free course, where you start healing your traumas and your heart to go free and experience love with other beautiful people for real.

You can get this started by clicking the link here.

And, if you liked this video, click the Like button, and if you want to see more of my videos subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And please share this with others so that they can learn how to create truly loving relationships.

And again a very happy Valentine’s Day from me in lovely London and I look forward to your comments and questions below.

 

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Child Sexual Abuse: Yes, I Am A Helicopter Mom, And For a Good Reason

Child Sexual Abuse: Yes, I Am A Helicopter Mom, And For a Good Reason

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I’m that “helicopter” mom playing with my son at the park. I’m making sure my sweet boy doesn’t get out of sight.

I’m the mom at the play date who stays at your house, visiting, always keeping an eye on my child. I politely decline sleepover invitations.

I dearly love this boy. He’s funny and outgoing and generally kind. You may think I’m hovering and being overprotective.

Child sexual abuse: I’m making sure your child is safe from mine.

At age five, my child started acting out sexually, in explicit ways, and he told me clearly about inappropriate, intimate sexual contact he’d had with an adult’s penis.

I reported it to the proper authorities. Nothing happened.

The adult was my husband, and we were divorcing. Instead of believing my child’s words to me, it was easier for Child Protective Services to believe his dad’s word that they just took a shower together. CPS “educated” him on not doing this again and filed a report ruling out abuse.

Since then, his dad has been seen drunk-driving our son and leaving him strapped in a hot car while buying alcohol and cigarettes (CPS again did nothing, even though it was a criminal act, so it’s happened again). Our son says his dad has served him wine and shown him porn. Our son has talked about death and has tried to cut himself and strangle me. He’s drawn scary pictures with demons and genitalia and weapons. He has fits of rage. He has odd seizures of staring into space.

This happy boy, who could read at age three, by grade three needs help for multiple learning disorders and risks failing state exams.

Our son has been suspended from school for sexualized behaviors against other children. Most concerning, he initiated sexual contact with a friend the summer after first grade, while his friend’s parent and I were in the next room. He told his friend to keep it a secret. A few months later, he told his friend he wanted to have sex again. His friend, distraught, finally told his parents about the incidents.

State law mandates a person call CPS when a person suspects abuse. When I’ve made these required calls, I’ve been wrongly accused of “parental alienation.” Some judges wrongly use this unscientific theory to take kids away from protective parents who report abuse. This is a horrendous outcome for kids: to be stripped from a loving parent and given to an abuser.

Meanwhile, no one else ever reported the sexual behavior to CPS – not his psychologists, not the school counselor, not the (former) friend’s parents. Even though we all know acting out is a huge red flag for a child being sexually abused. It’s an even bigger red flag for a seven-year-old to ask his friend to keep it a secret. It’s an enormous red flag when we all know the child made a prior outcry.

When asked about incidents, our son pretends they never happened. He flees to a fantasy world. He tells me his dad tells him to keep secrets. He sometimes drops hints. But it’s possible we may never know what happened – or is still happening – to this precious child.

It’s clear that the person I love most has been abused. It’s also clear our society does not prioritize crimes against kids, and our courts do not make child protection a priority.

If a stranger victimized my child (or committed a crime against an adult), there would be a real investigation by police, with real evidence-gathering. But an abuser is almost always someone in a child’s circle of trust. When the perp is the parent or family member, the “investigation” is largely left to over-worked, under-resourced state caseworkers who don’t have the tools or time to gather or analyze evidence or even talk to relevant people. The CPS workers instead offer services to keep kids with parents. They meet strict deadlines and usually “rule out” abuse – which then makes protecting the child in court even more difficult for the protective parent.

It’s time to declare war on child maltreatment.

Toxic stress from abuse and neglect physically damages children’s developing brains. The Adverse Childhood Experiences study conclusively proves the link between severe or chronic maltreatment and future mental health problems, addictions, chronic diseases, self-harm, crime, and violence – and the perpetuating cycle. Children with several adverse experiences have a much greater prevalence of learning and behavior problems in school. Without intervention, they can end up repeatedly cycling through jails, emergency rooms, and hospitals.

It’s time to break the cycle.

My son is doing much better, after intensive counseling and other measures, but I don’t let him alone with another child. I want him to have friends and fun and learn empathy and respect and self-control. I want him to know he’s loved. I want him to grow up to be a good, moral man and to overcome the toxic maltreatment that can overwhelm him.

I will do my best to protect your child. My heart breaks when I can’t protect mine.

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