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Narcissist Who? Becoming Apathetic To An Abuser

Narcissist Who? Becoming Apathetic To An Abuser

 

It’s a beautiful day when you feel NOTHING for an abuser and it’s called ‘You are NOT my reality’.

We all WANT to get there, and I know that includes YOU!

You can be forgiven for believing, because of how traumatic, painful and devastating the abuse is, that it will be IMPOSSIBLE to get there.

I once believed that too … but I promise you this is NOT true.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I am going to help you understand EXACTLY how to get to this place of complete EMOTIONAL FREEDOM from abusers, that myself and so many Thrivers enjoy.

 

 

Video Transcript

I LOVE it when we get to this powerful place…

‘You are NOT my Reality.’

People ask me all the time, ‘Will I ever be able to stop thinking about this person?’ and ‘Will I ever have an attraction like this to someone else?’ and ‘Will I ever be able to get him or her out of my system?’

I want you to know the answer is a resounding YES.

And today in this Thriver TV Episode I’m going to tell you exactly how to achieve this.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my Channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

So let’s start off with how you WON’T achieve this – just so you don’t waste your time.

 

Willpower Will Not Stop You Thinking About A Narcissist

If someone tells you to NOT think about something, the very act of trying NOT to think about it usually makes you think about it.

In fact, it is the same for any energy we try to put into opposition to something – meaning an ‘anti-movement’ where we actually feed energy to the thing that we DON’T WANT.

People say all the time, ‘I’m over that now!’. Believe me, when you hear this it is a sure-fire way to knowing that they aren’t over it at all.

Here is the deal with the way our subconscious traumas work – they control our mind. The brain is always following the body. The reason is that we are thrown into survival programs – those parts of our brain trying to keep us safe, are repeatedly thinking about the trauma living on inside us that is still hurting us.

This also relates to peptide addiction, meaning that we are literally addicted to the painful thoughts that we are having. It is because our brain wants to keep manufacturing the feelings, the emotions, and the somatically felt chemicals that match the trauma.

So around and around we go, continually thinking about what happened to us, how it could have been different, why we didn’t or couldn’t ‘whatever’ and, of course, the possibility and fear of it happening again.

In this state, we are locked down in survival and don’t get to ‘go free’ to find the space inside and outside of ourselves for creation.

It’s exhausting. Burning all that mental and emotional fuel on our past – the constant re-living of it and the trying to push over or through it. Is it any wonder our adrenals are stressed and that we don’t seem to have any energy, joy or inspiration?

This is the bottom line – if when you think about something you still feel the emotional charge in your body, then you will keep thinking about it. This is because your brain is being directed by your cellular being to do so. Your cellular being – your subconscious programs and nervous systems –controls 95% of your life. Trying to NOT think about this is like trying to stop a tsunami with a few sandbags.

If you don’t get to the bottom of why you think and feel the way you are, then the only way to escape the constant thoughts and feelings of the trauma and to get free, is to pick up addictions to numb it out or to take medication.

And generally we still keep getting driven back to abusers, as we try to get them to take away the trauma for us.

So how do we turn it all around … for REAL?

Make It All About You

Because we are usually the type of people who commonly get targeted and hooked in by narcissists, we have made a career of making it all about OTHER people.

This is our normal.

‘If I just check in with you and make you happy and provide you with what I need to, to prove my worth and lovability, you will provide me with love, approval, security and survival.’

Because we aren’t able to anchor into our own rights, values, deservedness and self-generative power, we hand away our own lifeforce as we try to make someone else love us.

Those of you already NARPing and Thriving, will get what I am about to say – which is a really radical way of looking at narcissistic abuse. In fact, it is counter-intuitive to what most narcissistic abuse people will tell you.

Here it is…

THIS is NOT about the narcissist – this is ALL about YOU.

When we look at things from a deeper, Quantum soul and spiritual perspective – everything happens for a reason.

Everything is happening FOR you.

The situations that come into our outer life are showing us what is going on in our inner life. The further we are out of alignment to our True Self and True Life, the more the situations, the evidence of misalignment, hurt.

When we come home and start making the decisions that honour our True Self and True Life, the pain and situations stop.

Yet no-one can bring us home but ourselves. And it’s our job to do this, as adults, regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing.

Yes, what is happening is awful, and narcissists are terrible and do disgraceful things. However, us making it ALL about ourselves is NOT excusing them … it’s simply acknowledging the truth.

I got to evolve myself GLORIOUSLY by really believing and accepting this truth, and it is the basis of tens of thousands of personal resurrections that I have had the joy of witnessing and continue to see emerge in this community every single day.

The narcissist’s ‘purpose’, at a deeper, wider, soul-evolutionary level, is to bring all the ways that we are not as yet self-partnered within ourselves smack bang into our conscious, like a sledgehammer.

 

Waking Up In Order to Heal

Here are some of MY greatest gaps which narcissistic abuse put me firmly on my BUTT to heal, if I was to have any chance of living, let alone Thriving.

  • The ways in which I was so self-critical and self-punishing. (He reflected that back, and then some!)
  • My inability to connect with, be with and soothe myself. (When I was distressed, he mirrored this by abandoning or punishing me harder.)
  • My terror of speaking up because of my unhealed fears of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment. (I had no voice and stayed with the narcissist, trying to keep the peace continuously – even when everything was screaming inside of me not to.)
  • My fears and terrors of not being able to survive on my own. (My greatest fears in this department were brought to life by him.)
  • My fear of other human beings and believing ‘I’m not safe in life’. (I ended up with crippling agoraphobia and a psychotic/adrenal breakdown because of this marriage.)

My list goes on and on.

Here is the thing – these traumas were already in my energy field before narcissistic abuse. Many were inherited, past life and collective female wounds, that were further supplemented in childhood trauma because our childhoods match our pre-birth traumas. Then, in my adulthood, they all blew up into a massive crescendo.

Why?

Because my soul wanted to make the unconscious conscious so that I would finally WAKE UP and free myself of these traumas.

We may think narcissists are using us for narcissistic supply, which they are doing, but WHAT if we, at a soul level, are using the narcissist as the instrument to deliver the evidence of what we need to heal?

And what an astounding instrument they are!

Narcissists have an UNCANNY ability to zone in on EXACTLY what it is that we have missing within ourselves.

My stuff was about not loving, seeing or embracing me, and these beliefs were ones that he supplied me in spades! He seemed so TOUGH and STRONG – ‘Finally I’ll feel safe in life with you by my side!’ Plus his façade was one of ‘wealth’ – ‘Thank God I’ll never be destitute!’

Then, as narcissists do, he turned back on me ALL these gaps, my issues, with ruthless ferocity. And my response was to cling on as I tried to resurrect the original ‘saviour’.

Of course, in my situation, the narcissist abandoned me, both literally and mentally. He turned on me physically, emotionally and sexually, leaving me SOOO unsafe. And the financial abuse I went through left me desecrated.

Need I say more?

My story is your story. This lure and switch game is what EVERY narcissist does. But I promise you – this is still about YOU.

Here’s the important part…

When you heal, you will no longer cling to someone hurting you, because you will be whole and full of self-love and self-worth. You won’t need to.

When you are already SAFE in life within yourself, you will never tolerate being with or enduring people who are unsafe and abusive.

When you become a self-generative force, who knows how to create a life with other available healthy components, regardless of what any other person is or isn’t doing, you will let go of unhealthy ones.

Not only are narcissists reflecting back to us perfectly the physical, real-life evidence of our inner unhealed shadows – they are also engaged in a spiritual contract with us. If you let go of holding them responsible for your unhealed parts and turn inwards to do the work to evolve yourself, the soul contract is completed and the narcissist leaves your experience.

I promise you this is true.

You may say, ‘But I’m tied up in co-parenting.’

I can assure you that there are people in my community who very successfully parallel parent with the same narcissists who used to make their kids and their lives hell. They are able to do this because their soul contract with this abuser has been healed and completed.

These people are unaffected by the narcissist, and their kids are doing an amazing journey with a healthy evolving parent leading the way.

The stories of ‘this hell will never end’ are NOT true – no matter what you may logically think, what abuse forums may tell you, or even what anyone still not awake to their soul contract will tell you.

What IS the true determinant is ‘where your soul is up to’ (see, again, it’s ALL about YOU!). When you get on board with what your soul wants to be up to – your healing, growing and evolving beyond your traumas and painful subconscious programs to come home to Who You Really Are – then there is no need for the hard grist to keep happening.

 

Just Having Too Awesome A Time

We know we are graduated when we are deeply immersed in the embodied understanding that ‘Your abuse brought me to my own glorious evolution’, and this becomes our focus.

Personally, I’m so grateful narcissistic abuse happened FOR me because if it didn’t I wouldn’t be living the astounding life that I do.

I feel AMAZING. And I love unpacking ANY trauma that does arise, because I know, on the other side of it, my relationships with me, life and others will be much more amazing.

I never had ANY of that before narcissistic abuse. In fact, when I look back at the person I was, even before being abused, I don’t recognise her.  I used to hand power away, was always scared, never spoke up, put my faith and trust in others – often with really bad consequences – and subjugated my values over and over, all to try to be loved.

Was I happy and Thriving before my Thriver resurrection? No! I was merely surviving and I truly did believe life was hard, lonely, unsafe and hard work.

Now I ADORE Life.

So please, those of you who write in and say, ‘I’m sorry Melanie for what you went through’, I love your compassion, but there is no need to write this. I promise you, I would go through it ten times over, if necessary, to feel and live the way I do now.

Can you see why I’m so passionate about this topic? It’s because I know that all this awaits every single one of you – no matter what your circumstance – IF you make your situation all about YOU.

Because, then, like me, as you start releasing trauma by doing the inner work of purposefully evolving yourself – which is what my NARP Program was created for – then you will start LOVING your life too.

If you want this please write below, ‘I am creating MY awesome Life, and you are NOT my reality!’

You WILL see the joy and the beauty, and you WILL have feelings of love and wholeness and happiness, simply because you exist.

Things will start coming into view, and you will start flowing forward into your life as your True Self, experiencing things that you once only dreamed about.

This is what happens for all Thrivers in this community, who start releasing their inner trauma and painful programs. They reset back to Wellbeing, which is who we are all naturally coded to be. It is your organic state, no matter what your life looks like now.

Abuse and painful programs all dissolve away, along with the people and situations who represent them and all your connections, emotional or otherwise, to them.

Narcissists are ONLY the catalyst. If they hadn’t shown up to do the job on you, someone else would have had to come along to fill their shoes.

Have you ever wondered why narcissists KEEP coming?

Now you know why. It’s because you have been missing the soul contact – the necessary turning inward to do the work to evolve yourself beyond what is being triggered off in you.

When you do this, I promise you it will be: ‘Narcissist who?’ and ‘Woohoo, what is next to create and experience in my life?’

THAT’s the life myself and other Thrivers live.

Join us – seriously. I can show you how to start claiming your soul contact graduation today – by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide

How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide

Prepare to leave your abuser ahead of time to protect yourself and your assets. Your abuser may become violent and is likely to take financial assets or destroy evidence of abuse or infidelity. Take steps to protect yourself, your children, your assets and your credit. Stay safe when he is being served with the divorce complaint.

The post How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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passive-aggressive

8 Constructive Ways To Confront Your Passive-Aggressive Abuser

passive-aggressive

 

What do passive aggressive behavior and domestic abuse have in common? Physical and verbal abuse are easy to identify, but psychological and emotional abuse may lurk for awhile before the victim realizes it. These types of covert abuse are subtle or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, even loving and caring. In certain circumstances, passive-aggression could be considered covert abuse; if you are in a relationship with someone you think is an abuser, you can find resources available at the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

According to Dr. Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, “Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them.” Their feelings may be so repressed that the person doesn’t realize they are angry or feeling resentment.

When confronted with their behavior, they may appear surprised or disappointed that anyone would think that about them, as if they are misunderstood or held to unreasonable standards. They have a real desire to connect with others emotionally, but their fear of such a connection causes them to engage in self-destructive habits.

Common Passive-Aggressive Behaviors

  • Ambiguity/Lies: Take the proverb: “Actions speak louder than words.” A passive-aggressive person is known for being deceptive in their word. The best way to judge how they feel about an issue is to watch their actions.
  • Blaming/Victimization: They have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and will find many excuses to avoid doing so. This includes when they shirk deadlines and ignore agreed-upon itineraries and timelines. Victimization is a related symptom of passive aggression; since nothing is their fault, they are always the victim.
  • Lack of Anger: Passive aggression is marked by misplaced anger. The passive aggressive person may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. They may appear indecisive or “down for whatever”; however, by not expressing their personal ideas and preferences, a passive-aggressive person may build resentment for others through their own repression.
  • Fear of Dependency/Intimacy: According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man, “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battlegrounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.” With that, it would be difficult to create an enduring, intimate connection with them.
  • Obstructionism/Power Grab: Passive-aggressive behavior shifts power in a relationship to make the perpetrator feel bigger and more entitled to affection or other gestures, while the victim will feel undeserving of their partner’s love. Similar to their willful deception mentioned above, a passive-aggressive person is also prone to emotional manipulation.

Below are 8 constructive ways to confront someone with passive-aggressive behavior.

1. Focus on one issue at a time. Don’t bring up everything at once. You may have a laundry list of grievances but it won’t be very helpful to go through everything in one sitting. Remember, they avoid conflict so take it one grievance at a time to help them feel comfortable.

2. Have a time limit. Confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.

3. Make sure you have privacy. A public display will only exacerbate both sides of the issue. Shaming someone never gets positive results.

4. Don’t attack their character. You may feel angry and want to strike out but, doing so will only cause the passive aggressive to withdraw and refuse to engage in communication.

5. Focus on your feelings. Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not their bad behaviors. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. It will lead to more productive communication if you make the conversation about the marriage and how you are feeling.

6. Stay on topic. Someone who avoids conflict may also be inclined to deflect or go on tangents during the conversation. You do not have to defend yourself for wanting to discuss your feelings, and doing so would derail the conversation.

7. Respect their space. If they need to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity. Tell them you understand their need to leave the conversation but, before they do you’d like to agree on another date and time to continue discussing the topic.

8. Remind them that you care. Be sure they understand that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better. Nothing is more important than helping the passive aggressive to feel safe in engaging in what they will view as a conflict.

The Passive-Aggressive Person and You

A passive-aggressive person attracts and is attracted to co-dependents or anyone who is quick to make excuses for other people’s bad behaviors. This may not be intentional, and rather is a natural mesh of personalities—psychological abuse is never the fault of the victim.

The most important factor in saving a relationship is both parties willingness to change. A person who expresses passive-aggression likely has deeper issues that a therapist or counselor would help them to work through. Victims of such behavior may also choose to seek therapy to heal from the wounds of the relationship.

The passive-aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don’t communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can’t take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling?

God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.

Confronting the Passive-Aggressive

Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive they will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone.

There are two reasons for confronting the passive-aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help them gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn’t happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things “off your chest.”

Below are 8 constructive ways to confront someone with passive-aggressive behavior.

1. Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not their bad behaviors. Use “I” statements and not “you” statements. More than likely you will get a more productive response from the passive aggressive spouse if you make the communication about the marriage and how you are feeling.

2. Don’t attack their character. You may feel angry and want to strike out but, doing so will only cause the passive aggressive to withdraw and refuse to engage in communication.

3. Make sure you have privacy. This is only common sense. Do not call out your passive aggressive spouse in front of others.

Shaming someone never gets positive results.

4. Confront them about one behavior at a time, don’t bring up everything at once. You may have a laundry list of grievances but that doesn’t mean you have to communicate the entire list in one sitting. Remember, the passive aggressive fears conflict so, take it one grievance at a time to help them feel comfortable.

5. If they need to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity. Tell them you understand their need to leave the conversation but, before they do you’d like to agree on another date and time to continue discussing the topic.

6. Have a time limit, confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.

7. If they try to turn the table on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings. Having dealt with the passive aggressive you know that one of their main tactics is to try and turn the tables. Be on the lookout for that to happen and instead of becoming defensive insist that they stay on topic.

8. Be sure they understand that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better.

Nothing is more important than helping the passive aggressive to feel safe in engaging in what they will view as a conflict.

Inside the Passive Aggressive’s Head

The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. They will be covert in their actions and it will only move them further from their desired relationship with you.

The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that they have flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that causes others so much pain.

The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed the passive aggressive’s emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of them. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.

The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fear of losing their independence and sense of self to their spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arm’s length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.

The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. They will be covert in their actions and it will only move them further from their desired relationship with you.

The only hope for change in the way they deal with relationship issues is if they are able to acknowledge their shortcomings and contributions to the marital problems. Facing childhood wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of problems in their life will help them form deeper emotional attachments with a higher sense of emotional safety.

The post 8 Constructive Ways To Confront Your Passive-Aggressive Abuser appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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before leaving your abuser

11 Steps To Take Before Leaving Your Abuser

before leaving your abuser

 

Breaking up a marriage where there are children involved is a heartbreaking and extraordinarily difficult decision for any mom to make. She may have no choice if she is being abused, whether verbally or physically.

Allowing the abuse to continue sets a bad example for her children and has a deep impact on them, even if they are not being subjected to abuse themselves. They will be more likely to grow up thinking that this pattern of behavior is normal, and become either an abuser or a victim of domestic abuse themselves.

As she is most likely the primary caretaker of her children, it is up to her to break the cycle of abuse in her family. Unless her husband is willing to acknowledge and make amends for his actions, go to a therapist, and permanently change his behavior, the only recourse she has is to end the marriage to protect herself and her children. It’s vital for her to not only take financial precautions, but also to practice self-care, and use stress reduction tools and healing techniques to get through this difficult time and begin to heal.

If you find yourself in this situation, take these important 11 steps before leaving your abuser.

1. Safety First. Your family’s personal safety is the only thing that really matters. If either you or your children are being subjected to physical violence, take them and leave the home right now. If you suspect that physical abuse may be imminent, take the children and leave right now.

Use the resources listed in the Emergencies Tab on the Breaking Bonds website, a free resource for abused women, to find a secure place to stay if you don’t have somewhere else to go. You can access the rest of the information on this website from a safe distance.

2. Have Money. Before alerting your abuser that you plan to leave him, set aside hard cash for emergencies and transfer up to half of the balances in the bank accounts to an account in your name alone. Have the bank mail the statements to a post office box instead of to your home. You will need to be able to pay bills until you are able to petition the court for financial assistance.

Abusers will frequently drain the accounts once they discover they are going to lose control over their victims in order to retaliate or to force them to drop the divorce petition or settle for unfavorable terms. Do not drain the joint accounts yourself and leave your husband without any funds, as that would be unethical.

Disclose what you have done with the money in your first meeting with your lawyer.  He or she may have different advice as to whether you should move funds to a separate account before filing for divorce. Inform him or her that an abuser will do whatever it takes to be punitive and maintain control, and it is highly likely that he will drain the household accounts as soon as he is aware that his wife plans to divorce him.

Although your attorney can ask the judge in your case to issue a temporary order to freeze your jointly held bank accounts, such measures will take time. You must have funds for the day-to-day living expenses for your family and to pay your attorney and court expenses in the meantime.

3. Go-to Bag. Prepare a go-to bag that contains contain cash, your driver’s license, credit cards, checkbooks, a list of your assets and debts, a set of clothes for you and the children, toys, court papers, your passport, birth certificates, medical records, marriage certificate, social security cards, medicines, insurance information, immunization records, welfare documents, immigration papers, and other legal documents. Keep copies of court papers in your possession to prove to the police that your spouse is violating a court restraining order if you have to summon them.

4. Make Copies. Make copies of bank and other financial statements, deeds, paystubs, recent tax returns, estate documents, and emails, texts, posts, or video that incriminate your abuser or prove his infidelity without alerting him that you plan to file for divorce. Store this evidence somewhere safe outside the home. Abusers frequently remove or destroy records once they become aware of the divorce.

5. Protect your Children. When you leave your husband, take your children with you to avoid losing custody of them. The courts may consider your leaving them behind to be abandonment, a sign that you are an unfit mother willing to leave them in danger. Or that you are lying about the domestic abuse. Even if your husband tries to intimidate you to leave without the children, do not let him force you to leave the house without them under any circumstances. Call the police if you must.

6. Document Abuse. Take pictures of any physical abuse and date them. Start documenting verbal abuse in a journal that you keep outside the home. If your abuser becomes violent, call the police immediately and have them take pictures to document the abuse. Make sure that you have written down the names of the officers who are present. Have your abuser arrested. If you give him a free pass, the abuse is likely to escalate. Protect yourself and your children.

7. Get Help. Use the Resources Tab on the Breaking Bonds website to find safety resources, therapists, and financial and legal assistance in your area.

8. Protect Credit. Before you file for divorce, obtain a credit card in your name alone. You may not be able to get credit based on your income alone, so make an application to get the card before you file for divorce so that you can qualify for credit based on your joint income with your spouse. As soon as you file, close any joint credit cards that have a zero balance and put a freeze the jointly held credit cards. You won’t be able to close them out completely if they still have a balance, but you can prevent any additional charges from being added to joint debt by freezing the account.

You are responsible for payment of any joint debt that you or your husband incurs during your marriage, even debt that your husband will ultimately be assigned in the settlement. Credit card companies are only concerned with whether you signed for the card, not the terms of a court order. Document all phone calls you make to the credit card companies and send them follow-up letters requesting that the lender report to the credit agencies that each of these credit card accounts was closed at your request.

Late payments and skipped payments will adversely affect your credit score for years to come, so do your best to make sure that payments are made by the due date for any debts you or your husband have incurred while the divorce is still going on. Your credit score will affect whether you can buy a home in your name alone or if you can refinance your existing home to remove your husband’s name afterward. It also affects the rate of interest that you will be charged on any loans you apply for in the future. Do what you can to protect your credit score.

9. Confide Well. Be careful whom you confide in. Some of your friends, colleagues, and family members may be judgmental or repeat to others what you have said to them in confidence. Even worse, the word may get back to your abuser. Do not confide in your children unless it is absolutely necessary, as they are dealing with enough emotional turmoil and deserve to have their childhood protected.

When discussing the situation with your children, say that you don’t feel safe living with their father or leaving them alone with him. Tell them that he does bad and scary things, not that he is a bad person. It is not necessary or helpful to elaborate. The best plan is to confide mostly in your therapist and your dog. Then give it to God.

10. Self-Care. Take care of yourself so that you can handle the stress of the divorce effectively. You will need physical energy and brainpower to deal with a very manipulative and unscrupulous opponent over a period of many months. Begin making changes now in your daily routine so that you get enough nutrients, exercise, and rest to feel empowered and think clearly. Mindfulness, deep breathing, meditation, prayer, time with friends and family, journaling, time outdoors, uplifting music, comedies, positive affirmations, massage, aromatherapy, and a daily gratitude practice are all wonderful tools to reduce stress and stay strong during this difficult time. Use the tools that work for you regularly to begin to heal. This will also boost your self-esteem and confidence.

11. Choose You. Choose not to be a victim any longer. Stop blaming yourself! He has been brainwashing you into thinking that everything is your fault. He is the one who is mistreating you and making your family life miserable. Take back your power and take appropriate action. Do not argue or engage with your abuser. Use your legitimate fear of him to protect yourself and your children. Use your anger, which is telling you that something is very wrong with your life, to overcome your fear and make the changes that you need in your life.

The post 11 Steps To Take Before Leaving Your Abuser appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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