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self-care after an affair

Self-Care After An Affair: 7 Things That Helped Me Survive

self-care after an affair

 

I can’t stress enough the importance of self-care after an affair. Living in a state of trauma, chaos and stress are bad for your body and mental health. Stress causes cortisol to rise and can wreak havoc on your body.

I knew that I needed to find some peace, calm and serenity during this dark time, but I didn’t really know in the early phases what would create this kind of environment for me.

There were days where I didn’t want to get out of bed, so the thought of self-exploration and reflection to reclaim a calmer state of mind sounded exhausting.

Self-Care After an Affair

Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings

There’s a fine line between distraction and avoidance when dealing with a traumatic situation. You can’t avoid it forever and inevitably when your feelings arise or you are triggered, rather than trying to push it out of your mind, instead try to understand what you’re feeling and why.

Nailing down the feeling (sadness, pain, abandonment, loneliness) and what caused the trigger is helpful. Acknowledgment and validation, even to yourself, makes you realize it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling because it is. You are where you are and that’s ok. Identifying what caused your emotions to flare up can help you recognize it in the future to prevent it or soften the blow.

The Art of Distraction

While it’s important to not constantly avoid your feelings, you can’t live in your pain all day every day. Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings or triggers at the moment, go do what you enjoy doing, if that feels acceptable to you. Try something new or default to an activity you love with someone in your inner circle who you can trust.

Journal/Write

I’ve never really been into journaling, but I will say – if you have the time and you are seeking better or different ways to cope, writing your feelings down can be therapeutic. Ahem…I did end up writing this book!  Write a letter to your partner if that helps you articulate the pain you’re in.  It’s up to you whether you share it or not – it’s more for you than your partner. Burn it, share it, whatever feels best to you.

Meditation

I’ve also never been into meditating but out of necessity, this felt like something worth exploring. There are many applications you can download on your phone for a guided meditation which may help calm your mind when it’s wandering on repeat with all those negative or painful thoughts.

It also can include the practice of gratefulness. It’s hard to be grateful in your trauma, but I’m willing to bet there are things in your life you are grateful for that bring you happiness and joy (your health, your job, your kids, your family, your friends).

 Yoga

You might be noticing a theme here, but again…I’ve never been into yoga!  My friend told me specifically about yin yoga and we’ve jokingly referred to it as a “guided nap.” Sorry if this offends any yogis out there. There’s science behind the benefits of tapping into your parasympathetic nervous system and how that correlates to a reduction in stress. I did this once or twice a week during my most stressful months and I always walked away from the class feeling relaxed. I’m still not a die-hard yoga fan, but I recommend it for the above mentioned reasons and it did help calm my body and mind.

Massages (or any spa treatment)

Now, this is something I’ve always enjoyed. A little pampering and relaxing are good for the mind and soul.

Being in Nature

I started to seek out environments and landscapes that made me feel at peace. Being in nature or on the water for me was relaxing and it fed my soul. Enjoying views and watching sunsets made me feel calm and gave me a sense of serenity I desperately needed.

I live in a big city with bumper to bumper traffic and that did nothing to bring me the feeling of calm I was seeking. I started to do day trips away from the city and a handful of trips alone where I’d rent a place with a view, near the water and far away from the hustle and bustle of both the city and my internal thoughts.

Identify how you can best take care of yourself will greatly help you in your journey after infidelity.

The post Self-Care After An Affair: 7 Things That Helped Me Survive appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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ways to tell if his affair is over

10 Ways To Tell If His Affair Is Over

ways to tell if his affair is over

 

Your husband had an affair. He says it is over and the two of you have decided, together, to put the marriage back together and work at rebuilding trust. For this to happen he will need to break off all contact with the other woman. He will need to prove to you that his affair is over

Since you’ve lost total trust in him, the last thing you trust him to do is, anything. For that reason below is a list of things you can request he do to prove that he has broken off contact with the other woman and doesn’t intend to see her again.

5 things to do to ensure he isn’t having contact with the other woman and the affair is over.

  1. Tell him you want access to his phone, email accounts, and social media accounts. That would mean him sharing his passwords with you and you being able to check those accounts at your will.
  2. Ask him to email her, in your presence, and tell her that the relationship is over. He needs to be specific about the fact that there will be no further contact via text, phone, and email or in person. Once that is done monitor his email account for any response from her. If she responds it is within your right to reply and let her know that she can no longer interfere in your marriage.
  3. Watch him as he deletes her number from his phone and her address from his email account. You will also want him to remove her from any social media connections. When possible on email and social media insist that he block her from being able to contact him.
  4. For added protection, you can insist he change his email address and his phone number. Make sure that his old email account is deleted and that you have access to his new account. Once he has a new phone number check your account with your cellphone provider for her number to make sure she doesn’t have access to the new number and communication is continuing.
  5. If he and the other woman work together tell him that you want proof that they have limited contact at work. If that entails him exposing the affair to his boss, so be it. If he was concerned about his reputation at work he wouldn’t have started an affair.

Some experts advise women to not put too much pressure on their husband. I’m not sure how trust can be rebuilt until you are 100% sure the affair has ended and, in some situations that may mean him doing things that he finds uncomfortable.

If your marriage is going to survive his infidelity the goal has to be to heal the wound to the marriage. You can’t begin to heal that wound until the other woman is totally out of the picture. Don’t be surprised if he finds it hard to cut her off completely. It may take a few stops and starts for him to be able to break away cleanly.

How to tell he is no longer in contact with the other woman:

  1. When he is willingly engaging in honest discourse about the affair and what needs to be done to restore the marriage and your trust in him.
  2. He isn’t dismissing your feelings about the affair and your need to talk about those feelings. By being willing to listen and validate your feelings he is taking responsibility for his hurtful behavior.
  3. The two of you have identified issues in your marriage that need to be fixed and are actively working, together, to make those changes.
  4. You are both focusing on what makes the other happy.

Rebuilding trust after an affair takes time. It comes one step at a time. Be patient with yourself and him. You will be able to tell in your gut whether or not you are both on the same page when it comes to saving the marriage.

The post 10 Ways To Tell If His Affair Is Over appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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