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Coronavirus divorce webinar

Cordell & Cordell Continuing Weekly COVID-19 And Divorce Webinar Series

Coronavirus divorce webinar

Cordell & Cordell is hosting a free webinar series, titled “Can the Coronavirus Affect Custodial Rights? How Divorces And Parenting Time May Be Impacted” for individuals dealing with unprecedented issues involving the Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic and their divorce or child custody situations.

The series will air at 1 p.m. CT, Thursdays and will feature Cordell & Cordell attorneys answering questions about how the Coronavirus is impacting family law issues. The firm’s first Coronavirus family law webinar aired Thursday, March 26 and is available here.

The first webinar covered a range of topics relevant to
divorced fathers, such as:

  • Practical tips to ensure the safety and
    well-being of your children.
  • Child custody issues such as how to arrange
    custody exchanges while quarantined.
  • The financial fallout of COVID-19 such as what
    to do if you can no longer afford alimony or child support.
  • How to proceed with your divorce if family
    courts are closed due to the virus

With the uncertainty caused by the Coronavirus pandemic, it is vital to stay informed and prepare as much as possible for what lies ahead. This weekly webinar series will ensure that you are educated and in position to make decisions to help protect yourself and your loved ones.

Fill out my Wufoo form!

The post Cordell & Cordell Continuing Weekly COVID-19 And Divorce Webinar Series appeared first on Dads Divorce.

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when leaving a narcissist

5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist & How You Can Avoid Them

when leaving a narcissist

 

Whatever mistakes, miscalculations, or bad decisions there are to be made in leaving a narcissist, I made them.

After sixteen years with a man whom I’d built a life with, had children with, and thought I knew, I made the naïve assumption that I could predict what ending our life together and getting divorced would look like. I counted on his promises of the past to stay true in the future.

Even during the last few years of the marriage when I had to deal more with the evil Mr. Hyde than the good Dr. Jekyll, even after uncovering his double life that revealed his predatory nature for girls less than half his age, I still relied on our shared history as a couple to see me through.

My greatest error arose from my inability to wrap my head around the fact that there are people in this world who lack any sense of empathy, decency, or integrity, and who will stand back with a smirk on their face, holding a bucket of water that they have no intention of using while watching those who love them the most burn in pain.

Believing this to be an exaggeration and that no one could possibly be guilty of purposely inflicting pain on their own loved ones is the first mistake I made. Then it was a downward spiral of my shattered expectations as I learned the hard way that, yes, there are people in this world who will not only smile as they watch you fall and suffer, but will spin the story to such a point that they’ll say you deserved it.

Those people are called narcissists.

And if you’re involved with one, wanting to leave or in the process of leaving one, here are the top five mistakes to avoid. Doing so certainly won’t erase the pain of separation or divorce but will definitely lessen it if your eyes are wide open since then you won’t risk the heartbreak from bombshells that every narcissist is capable of dropping.

5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist

Mistake #1: Believing a narcissist will be a good person and play fair

Every phone call, every email I got from my attorney left me in a state of shock and awe upon hearing what my ex was attempting to get away with or accusing me of. Since I believed what my ex told me prior to filing for divorce, such as that he would make sure our kids and I would be taken care of financially and I wouldn’t have to worry, each realization of what he was actually up to left me reeling as if I’d been sucker-punched that landed me on the floor, of which I couldn’t get up from during the entire divorce process.

How to avoid my mistake?

See them for who they really are and not who you always wanted them to be. Drop the illusions you still carry, such as that they’ll change or they’d never hurt you. No need to be cynical, but crucial to be prepared. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Mistake #2: Choosing any lawyer to represent you

Because of the fragile emotional state I was in at the time and my desperation to get the divorce over with, I did not vet my lawyer. I did not ask any questions and trusted that he would do a good job of representing me. I assumed (because he was a lawyer) that he would know the difference between fair and unfair, that he would hold my ex accountable in disclosing assets, and would advocate for me and my children to his best ability.

My lawyer always talked a big game when we were planning how to respond to my ex’s obvious skirting of the law and the abuse he still inflicted (such as cyberstalking me, stealing my identity, and hacking into my emails), then at the last minute would pull away from any previous plan and encourage me to settle.

His strategy-switching gave me whiplash. And it always coincided with running through another big retainer I’d paid, which disappeared quickly when I was being charged even if I only spoke to his legal secretary for two minutes on the phone (she called once to ask my address, which I gave and then we hung up, for which I was charged a quarter-hour of my attorney’s rate: $75).

How to avoid my mistake?

Interview attorneys. Ask them if they have experience in high-conflict divorces with abusive personalities. Ask them if they know how a narcissist operates. Go with your gut and don’t be pressured into hiring a lawyer you don’t feel completely safe with or whose methods you question. Remember, a lawyer has the ability to make or break you in a divorce. Make sure you choose wisely.

Mistake #3: Letting your emotions make decisions for you

It is a fact that women tend to look at divorce from an emotional perspective. And why wouldn’t we? When we’re heartbroken or disillusioned or escaping abuse, we can’t help but be emotional about our lives as we knew them ending, sometimes going down in a huge ball of flames. However, in general, men look at divorce from a business standpoint and remove emotion from the process (not all men, of course).

And men who are true narcissists take it even further – to them, it’s war. You’re the enemy. And therefore, you must be defeated. Because I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by my pain, and unable to truly begin any healing process while still in the midst of the divorce, I couldn’t make those important decisions for my future since I was unable to see even the day after the next through my tears. Meanwhile, a narcissist lacking any empathy or compassion, to begin with, will exploit the weakness of another and chalk it up to the necessities of war.

How to avoid my mistake?

Given the fact that most men, especially fathers, come out far better off financially after divorce than women, who tend to see their incomes drop by over a third, it’s imperative that those emotions are put aside for the time it takes to legally separate. Cry, cuss, and rage all you want (if only I had a dollar for every f-bomb I dropped during my divorce) but leave your heart out of it and use only your mind when figuring out those details that will determine how you’ll fare long after those divorce papers are signed.

Mistake #4: Giving in and saying Uncle when you’re too tired to go on

Narcissists are like wolves (no offense to actual wolves who act only out of instinct and not out of any innate desire to persecute those who do them wrong). Their success depends on their ability to exhaust you and wear you down to the point where you stop running, lose your strength, and eventually surrender.

Because I didn’t have a good lawyer to encourage me not to waive my rights or what I was entitled to, I quickly became so drained that I lost all my nerve and gusto to stand up for myself. I gave up and gave in, and because of that I’m still experiencing the effects financially all these years later.

How to avoid my mistake?

Understand that a narcissist is trying to wear you down on purpose so that you’ll give up and give in. Trust me when I say that once you’ve recovered and regained your strength later down the line, you’ll regret it if you do throw your hands up during the divorce and give up in any way whatsoever.

Mistake #5: Underestimating how low a narcissist will go.

Check. Double check. I underestimated my ex to such an extent that I paid for it severely not only with my financial well-being but my emotional health as well since every time I was knocked to the ground by the things he would say or do, eventually I just stayed there huddled up in a ball waiting for the next blow.

How to avoid my mistake?

Think of the lowest possible thing that someone could do to another. Got it in your head? Good, because a narcissist will go lower. So brace yourself and gird those loins for this moment to come.

I wish I could tell you that today I have zero regrets for the mistakes I made when I left (escaped is more like it) and filed for divorce from a narcissist. However, since I’m still paying for those mistakes today it’s hard to not beat myself up every so often.

But then I remind myself lovingly and patiently that I didn’t know. I barely knew anything about narcissists at the time let alone what divorcing one would be like. And I didn’t know how to choose a lawyer. Nor did I feel empowered to stand up for me after so many years of being emotionally beaten down. So when I start kicking my own ass about “what I should have done instead,” I remind myself how far I’ve come despite all the difficulty and trauma of my past.

As Michelangelo said at the ripe old age of 87, “I am still learning.”

And I hope by sharing my own lessons, you are still learning too.

The post 5 Mistakes I Made When Leaving a Narcissist & How You Can Avoid Them appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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what drives men to cheat

Emotional & Sexual Infidelity: What Drives Men To Cheat

what drives men to cheat

 

Webster’s defines infidelity as unfaithfulness to the marriage vow or contract; a violation of the marriage contract by adultery. If you have ever been the victim of a cheating husband, you know it is much more.

Infidelity is the breaking of trust that has negative consequences in every area of your life. The first step in surviving a husband’s infidelity is being able to rationalize and understand the actions that have caused so much harm.

There are two types of infidelity, sexual infidelity, and emotional infidelity:

Sexual Infidelity:

Sexual infidelity, as its name suggests, refers to sexual activities that are engaged in with someone other than one’s spouse. Activities that constitute sexual infidelity include all forms of physical intimacy, from kissing to sexual intercourse.

Emotional Infidelity:

Emotional infidelity refers to becoming emotionally involved with someone other than one’s spouse. Dr. Seth Meyers, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, describes emotional infidelity as “behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future.”

It all sounds fairly simple, huh? Either your husband did the hanky panky with someone else or he has put someone else’s emotional needs before your emotional needs. If you’ve been on the receiving end of either, the need to understand runs a bit deeper, doesn’t it?

It has been my experience, after coaching many women who were victims of infidelity, that the roots of the infidelity can generally be traced back to one of three underlying causes.

What Drives Men To Cheat

Fear:

Men who suffer emotional injuries during childhood are more likely to cheat on a spouse. Emotional childhood injuries may cause a fear of intimacy, a fear of commitment, and a fear of being unworthy of love.

If your husband has had problems with attaching himself to you intimately, was commitment-phobic, and suffers from low self-esteem, these traits probably played a role in his infidelity.

Loneliness:

Some men cheat because of the sense of loneliness they feel in the marriage. Usually, this type of man is not able to fully engage with his wife. He doesn’t fully participate in the relationship and is a sitting duck for any woman who can give him the companionship he feels is missing in his marriage.

Anger:

Are you married to a conflict avoider — a man who thinks that any show of disappointment by you is an affront to the relationship?

According to Emily M. Brown, author of Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, the conflict avoider is “terrified to be anything but nice for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment.” They don’t have a way to stand up to their spouse where there are marital problems, so the problems go unresolved and the marriage erodes.

This guy acts as if he is happy, everything is coming up roses and all the while, he is seething with anger inside. He is angry because you poked fun at his bald spot. We all know that a woman who truly loves her husband would never poke fun or so he believes.

He is angry because you failed to pick up his dry cleaning. You will be the last to know how angry he is, though, because of his skewed belief that his marriage is perfect and perfection means putting a lid on anger.

He doesn’t even realize how angry he is until he meets a woman who would never poke fun at his bald spot and never forget to pick up his dry cleaning. Not until she got comfortable in the relationship, anyway. Once she becomes comfortable and turns into a normal human being, he can go back to repressing anger again.

Whatever drives a man to cheat, be it fear, loneliness, or anger, it is important to know that the decision to cheat was his. Infidelity has nothing to do with a shortcoming on the part of his wife.

There are many things a wife can do to improve the quality of her marriage.

There is absolutely nothing she can do that will guarantee with 100 percent certainty that her husband will never cheat.

She can know though with 100 percent certainty that if he does cheat it is about him and whatever issues he is dealing with.

The post Emotional & Sexual Infidelity: What Drives Men To Cheat appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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The Empowered Empath: Mastering Boundaries, Emotions & More!

The Empowered Empath: Mastering Boundaries, Emotions & More!

 

Boundaries are everything – especially if you are an Empath!

Being an Empowered Empath means that you care for yourself and others enough, to be honest. You do this to stop enabling poor behaviour and to invite people into more evolved ways of being with you.

The connection between boundaries and emotions can lead to a Thriver’s life full of prosperity and fulfillment through self and others.

Discover in this Thriver’s Life episode, Quantum Understandings and empowered ways to deal with your emotions AND do boundaries at the same time.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series … the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

I can’t tell you how vital boundaries are.

They are everything.

Especially for Empaths.

When coupled with emotional alignment they literally carve out the life that you desire – piece by piece, and in no way do you have to compromise the health, wellbeing, and lives of others.

In fact, you offer people, through your boundaries, the opportunity to claim their own evolution and happiness.

In today’s episode, I want to talk to you about the connection with boundaries and emotions and getting clear on how to be in the driver’s seat steering towards your most prosperous, fulfilling and healthily contributing to self, life and other’s lives.

Okay, before we get started, thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s dive in.

What Are Our Emotions?

Our emotions are our personal GPS signal that is letting us know what IS or ISN’T the path to our super conscious/Source intended life (true flourishing, wellbeing, love, and prosperity).

Now here is the thing – we may think that our highest super conscious life consists of ‘stuff’.

That’s not accurate at all. Our highest life is the feeling of fullness and being whole.

Then stuff can come. Stuff that is genuine and which genuinely adds more to what we are already feeling.

When you have the fullness, ‘stuff’ is an awesome bonus that we can be so grateful for, but we actually had no need for anyway.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s a foundational understanding that you need to know regarding boundaries and your emotions.

This is what took me a long time to realise about my emotions. I thought they were being controlled by everything outside of me and were letting me know about the state of ‘out there’. Now I know a different truth. Our emotions fundamentally are telling us how ‘whole’ we are ‘in there’.

There is no real independent ‘out there’. It’s not separated from ‘in there’.

Your greatest mission in life – number 1 – is to have whole, balanced internal emotions.

Quantumly, emotions are king or queen.

They dictate and unfold our outer experiences from in there, and as such, I discovered that with any troublesome, missing or desired issue in my life, the most powerful place I could ever create was from solidness and calm on that topic. Unconditionally – not dependent on any external evidence being presented.

Some people may call this faith.

Others may call this surrender.

I believe is it Quantum Just Isness – meaning this is your natural state.

You may think it isn’t, but it is.

What has thrown all of us off of having this as our natural state is the trauma that has been inflicted on us by the human condition – and the beliefs that we are damaged, defective and unworthy (somehow separated from God, ourselves and others).

It may feel normal to feel this trauma of separation, but in no way is it natural. It is also unnatural to have to spend your whole life trying to manage your emotions, as a result of taking on the trauma of the human condition.

Without trauma, your emotions simply balance themselves.

I promise you that once enough trauma is released, wholeness and calm just ‘is’ and you will know it as a natural state.

Then everything else becomes easy to ‘add’ onto that.

When we have dishevelled emotions and often feel sad, let down, broken, anxious and the like – it DOESN’T mean that we are defective.

It means we have internal trauma generating these emotions.

 

Methods of Dealing With Our Emotions

There are four ways we can deal with the traumas generating negative emotions.

1) Face and release the trauma and move forward into a healthy Thriver’s Life.
2) Try to manage it with ways that will quieten it down.
3) Ignore it and attempt to get on with it, or
4) Blame someone or something outside of ourselves for these emotions.

All of these things are perfectly okay, and understandable because where you are at is where you are at.

Nothing is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. The only effective Quantum question – meaning the REAL truth that we need to be interested in is: ‘What works and what doesn’t work, regarding what I want to create in my life?’

Regarding the effectiveness of generating the true power and success of your life, the second option will cause you to feel stuck and dependent on trauma management, the third example will worsen the experience of painful emotions hijacking you randomly, and the fourth will cause more and more traumatic experiences to enter your life, compounding the original ones.

Universes away from these outcomes, the first example gives you a way out into the inner transformation and then the outer transformation of your life.

I want you to understand this more than anything – your inner emotional state needs to shift before your outer life can follow. Your life is never about changing the outer to feel different on the inner.

Because it doesn’t work.

Please know that.

Now we can move on.

How To Understand Working With Emotions PLUS Your Outer World

People ask this question, ‘So do I just work with my inner emotions and NOT do boundaries and try to change things in my outer real life?’

This is SUCH a great question.

And it’s one that took me a long time to really understand, balance out and formulate.

The truth is you do BOTH simultaneously.

But let’s dissect this with a useful example.

Let’s say that someone in your life is being abusive. Now let’s get very honest about this – ‘abusive’ is subjective. When we are on the journey of taking responsibility for our own wounds, we know that people are allowed to have opinions and their own lives and choices. These may not agree with us – yet there are things of course that are abusive, and that is what I am talking about here.

Maybe this person in your life is someone that you would love to continue a relationship with, yet there are things they do that are not okay for your health.

Here are your choices with a situation like that:

1) Make emotional peace with the way they are (of course this may not be possible or healthy if they are blatantly abusing you).

2) Invite them into a higher relationship with you, whereby you are both honest about how you feel, what you need and what is going on for you both emotionally, granting the opportunity for more communion, trust and love together.

3) After inviting them into this higher relationship with you, if they still project abuse at you and don’t have the desire or the resources to meet you there, walk away from the relationship, knowing you granted it and them an opportunity to heal and evolve.

All of these choices, 1 to 3, are intended to generate emotional peace, strength and solidness and the resolution of your troubled emotions.

If we were to consider another option, option 4, which would be to try to lecture and prescribe to this person … or, give them what you think will make them love you better … or, just continue on the same, feeling victimised, hurt and resentful – you can see how these would all be powerless acts. They are about trying to get something else to change outside of you, for you to feel better.

This only enables someone to stay stuck in their poor behaviour abusing you.

It also makes them able to sidestep personal responsibility and keep blaming you for the way they feel.

No-one gets well.

Whereas, when you take your power back and create THIS ultimate boundary with yourself, ‘I am responsible for my emotions and the choices I implement in my life to take care of my emotions healthfully’ then you truly do understand how boundaries and emotions interconnect and work.

In choices 1 to 3 it does not matter what someone else is or isn’t doing – it is ONLY important what you are choosing to do.

Now here is the other important connection between your emotional inner world and your outer choices and actions.

No amount of doing is a substitute for being.

If you were to try to just ‘forget it’ (choice 1) and get on with it with this person, then you haven’t done the inner work on what is triggering you with them and this means you are going to continue to be hurt and triggered no matter what you try to disconnect from.

With choice 2 if you haven’t done the inner work to lose the personalised feelings of being mistreated and unloved by this person, then it will be very hard to show up as calm, loving and honest with them. Rather, your words may come across as a victimised attack, or some other funky energy that is not going to generate a healthy response.

Also, you will still be attached to the outcome of ‘them getting it’ and may be deeply distressed when they don’t.

Whereas, if you do the inner work and then show up in a space of authenticity and love, this person is granted a beautiful opportunity to choose love and evolution, and if they don’t – well then you will feel no guilt and shame, rather clarity and relief in the knowing that this relationship is not your truth anymore – and that you did the right loving thing.

In choice 3 – the real letting go, if you have not done the inner work, you may be traumatised at the thought of this, and susceptible to guilt trips, smearing, hoovering and the transition out of this persons’ life may not be smooth, empowered or lasting, and could bring a host of other issues, still leaving you with unresolved emotions.

 

Simplifying Life To Make It Powerful

I want to grant you these Quantum Understandings that changed everything for me.

1) My emotional wholeness is always the first necessary ‘go-to’.

2) I am completely responsible for living my values, truths and real life, to generate my emotional wholeness. It isn’t anyone else’s job.

3) By being honest and lovingly authentic with others, I grant them the ability to awaken, heal and evolve.

4) If I blame others for how I feel, I am being a victim, forfeiting my power and will stay stuck at this point.

5) If anything or anyone hurts me, I always have the choice to a) make peace with it internally, b) invite the situation or person into a higher relationship with me and c) walk away if there is not the desire or the resources to meet me at my truth.

6) Any problems with implementing ANY of the former, means I have more inner work to do so that I do show up EMOTIONALLY authentically and powerfully, whilst DOING what I need to do.

Being Connected To All Of It

So many people may think that defining our values and truth, and being willing to walk away from people and situations that are not our truth, means that we will be isolated, alone and an island to ourselves.

That, I promise you, is so NOT true.

You are at one with ‘The All’.

Who You Really Are, is bigger than you can imagine.

If you stop living in lack, limitation and trying to ‘turn crumbs into cookies’ and instead keep generating the truth and deservedness of your expansive self, then you will enter into The Field of expanded and connected support, opportunities, love and miracles that IS your super conscious self.

I hope this inspires you.

If you’d like more help with mastering your emotions, boundaries (and so much more) then I highly recommend taking a look at my Empowered Self Course, which you can do by clicking this link.

I also have a really exciting update just around the corner which all ES course purchasers will receive for free as well… More information on this coming soon!

Okay, so after narcissistic abuse recovery, let’s evolve as far as we can, with grace and grit.

Why?

Because we CAN!

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Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: She Needs to Take These 7 Steps

Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: She Needs to Take These 7 Steps

Being a stay at home mom while going through a divorce can be stressful and difficult, but you can stay ahead of the game and keep prepared by following this guideline and meeting a lawyer sooner rather than later!

The post Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: She Needs to Take These 7 Steps appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Letting go after divorce

Letting Go After Divorce: It’s Scary & Intimidating Must Very Necessary

Letting go after divorce

 

A pink bike with a pink and white floral print banana seat. I hold a blurry memory of my first bike as if viewed through a hazy flashback scene. Yet I remember with clarity the thrill of independence and pride associated with learning to ride it. A bicycle symbolizes newfound independence for young children, and I loved mine and the sense of adventure and freedom it gave me. Now that I am a parent, my children’s bicycles hold a different significance.

Because as a parent, loss is your biggest fear. My friend recently recounted a situation where her three-year-old daughter was lost behind the stage during a dance recital. My friend became emotional as she talked about her fear and inability to speak at the moment, and the amount of time it took her to recover, even after finding her daughter.

Not being able to locate your child, even for a few seconds, feels like what I imagine drowning does. An immense pressure on your chest, an inability to speak or even breathe. Time slows and your vision narrows. You imagine the worst-case scenario; calling for help or even forming a sentence becomes an impossibility. When faced with such loss, as parents, we hold on tightly to our children and resist their demands to let go.

In other situations, most people do the same, steeling ourselves against loss.

Clutching our purse, locking our car and house, guarding ourselves, our family, and our possessions. Cruelly, sometimes, the people guilty of stealing the most from us are the ones closest to us, betraying our trust, our love, our friendship.

Throughout my divorce, acquaintances would talk about how divorce was so traumatic because it signified “the loss of hopes and dreams” and that captures the essence of divorce; my grief was not a result of saying goodbye to an imperfect partner, but the collapse of all I had built, the dissolution of all I had accumulated, and, far worse, the destruction of all my future plans for my family and me. Loss during divorce is inescapable, overarching, and momentous.

At every stage, as I continued to part ways with pieces of my life, I underwent the same heartbreaking process of grief and loss. My house, my furniture, my dog, and, most recently, a 15-year friendship. At first, I railed against the loss, then I grieved it usually with lots of hot, sad tears, and, ultimately, I shed that old form of me, which had held the item close, like a second skin. Each time, faced with the threat of loss, I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, I wouldn’t recover, and, inevitably, I did. I emerged, often scarred, sometimes lighter. Always altered.

With the implosion of a roadmap for my life, there were certain ideas that troubled me more than others.

One was that my children would not be with me when they experienced milestones. Ironically, my ex-husband had missed multiple milestones for our children when we were together; as the only constant in my children’s lives, I vow to always be there for them, and so my fears are unfounded. While I realize I have the annoying habit of worrying irrationally at times, an unusual source of recent distress became who would teach my children to ride their bikes without training wheels.

It was more than fortuitous then that in the midst of a particularly troubling month when my ex was threatening to take me to court regarding his misunderstanding of his visitation schedule, my daughter turned six and requested I remove her training wheels from her bicycle. My mother and I both took her out several times to practice with little success.

Two weeks later, as my ex’s threats increased, I took my daughter out again, and she practiced balancing and gliding on the bicycle. Then I held on and balanced the bike as she pedaled. Holding a child up is difficult work, both at that moment and all others. Every once in awhile, she would tell me to let go and proceed to fall into a bush or onto a front lawn. She grew frustrated and cranky as we all do when our expectations of ourselves exceed our abilities. I tried to express how difficult and time consuming acquiring a new skill is. She did not care. She was determined.

What my Daughter Taught Me About Letting Go After Divorce

That afternoon, after multiple attempts, when she finally instructed me to let go again, and I hesitantly did, my beautiful, tenacious daughter took off. Her long red hair streamed out from under her pink helmet as she rode away. I could see the pride she felt in her accomplishment in the set of her back, the way she sat upright in her seat and continued to ride away from me.

My heart was being squeezed. I felt simultaneously proud and nostalgic. As a mother, I cannot measure the pride I feel at my children’s accomplishments. At every one of my children’s milestones, I have cried with the weight and significance of the moment. This one was no different. I started to cry. I ran to catch up. When she finally came to a stop, I enthusiastically praised her, but she questioned my tears. I explained they were tears of joy.

The next day, my daughter came home with an even more valuable gift, a story she had written about learning to ride her bike. She is in kindergarten and an emergent writer, yet the story was very perspicuous. “I told my mom to let go. I told her to let go again. She let go, I could feel the fresh air and it was fun and my mom was crying joy.”

And so the student inevitably becomes the teacher. I had taught my daughter to ride a bike, and in turn, she gifted me a treasure. Sometimes, in life, we must let go. Letting go is scary and intimidating, but, often, it is necessary. In the process, we might be knocked around; we might fail at first. We definitely will fall. But it is in the act of letting go, difficult though it may be, that we find our way. Letting go is a freeing choice. We gain freedom and independence. We begin to fly. And we learn to write our own stories.

The post Letting Go After Divorce: It’s Scary & Intimidating Must Very Necessary appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Rodeo Divorce: What Happens to Cattle, Horses & Ranching Assets?

Rodeo Divorce: What Happens to Cattle, Horses & Ranching Assets?

Originally published by Hendershot, Cannon and Hisey, P.C. Blog.

Rodeo is a time-honored tradition in Texas, with Houston laying claim to some of the largest events in the state. Whether they’re small-town rodeos and stock shows or big city events, Texas rodeos thrive because they are supported by tightly knit communities often comprised of families – the same types of families that continue to farm, ranch, and raise livestock for all types of purposes across the state.

Like any family, rodeo and ranching families also sometimes go through divorce. When they do, they can face a number of legal issues many other spouses do not. That’s due in large part to their unique assets, including cattle, horses, and other livestock. Because not every attorney has experience handling divorce cases involving these types of assets, it’s important to work with the right lawyers who can help you understand how they’re handled in divorce, and how to best protect your rights and interests when it comes to complex property division.

Unique Assets: Ranches & Cattle

Whether owned for business or pleasure, livestock are assets most divorcing spouses do not have. Rodeo spouses and spouses who own livestock and cattle may also own other unique assets, such as:

During a divorce, all assets (and debts) must be evaluated carefully in order to assess whether they are separate or community property, and value them appropriately for the purpose of property division. These are two critical matters that can determine the fate of cattle and any other unique assets owned by rodeo and ranching spouses.

  • Separate or Community Property? – Texas is a community property state, which means that most assets, property, and debts acquired during the course of a marriage belong to both spouses and must be divided equitably, not necessarily equally, during a divorce. Separate property, which can include certain assets acquired by one spouse before marriage or as an inheritance or gift, are not subject to property division. Because separate property can become community property (such as when marital funds are used to support cattle rearing, horse breeding, ranching, or other businesses established prior to marriage), distinguishing what is community property subject to division can be a difficult matter that requires meticulous evaluation, as well as forensic asset tracing in some cases.
  • Valuation – When assets are determined to be community property, they must be split, sold, or co-managed. Spouses who are able to negotiate and reach agreements out-of-court may choose to sell assets and divide the profits, provide one spouse with the assets and offset the value through buy-outs of the other spouse’s share, or relinquish other assets. Because the value of community property plays a critical role in property division, assets like cattle, livestock, and ranches often require an expert valuation to address factors such as the fair market value of livestock, special breeds, offspring, breeder bulls, and frozen semen or embryos, among others. Livestock and horse valuation can also be impacted by subjectivity, which is why attorneys you choose need to not only have experience handling these cases, but also professional connections with industry experts and appraisers who can help determine value, and ultimately your fair share.
  • Division & Resolution – Accurately characterizing community property and valuation are critical aspects of property division, especially in matters of cattle, horses, and related farm or ranching assets, and they are used to aid attorneys in facilitating resolutions. Because there may be personal attachment to these assets, as well as the desires of spouses who want to continue rodeos or ranching after divorce, arriving at agreements to divide, buy-out, and / or offset value with other property requires diligent negotiations for out-of-court agreements, or skilled preparation to litigate at trial when agreements can’t be reached.

Aside from unique assets, the individual goals of spouses, their ability to compromise, and applicable Texas laws for property division all contribute to what happens to cattle, horses, and other assets when rodeo or ranching spouses divorce – which means the attorneys you choose need to know how to effectively reconcile these issues with your rights and best interests in mind.

Many law firms simply do not have the experience or resources needed to value and divide unique assets like cattle, horses, and ranches. At Hendershot, Cannon & Hisey, P.C., our lawyers do.

Since 1987, we’ve helped numerous clients across Texas protect their fair share during complex divorce cases, including those involving rodeo and ranching spouses who operate family businesses or partnerships, or own unique assets for personal hobbies. Because we know every case is different, we work personally with clients to create customized solutions.

If you have questions about divorce involving these issues, call (713) 909-7323 or contact us onlineto request an initial consultation.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



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he makes irrational threats

Lawyers & Exes & Threats: What To Do When He Makes Irrational Threats

he makes irrational threats

 

On a daily basis without fail, I get a panicked phone call or email about a “threat” one of my clients just received.  “Is it true? Can he really do that?” Inevitably the threat, just like a fever, comes in the middle of the night when you can’t reach anyone for help.

Scared and stressed, you suffer all night waiting until morning to call your lawyer for an answer.  The threats, no matter how scary are usually nothing to worry about.

Keep in mind that I am NOT talking about threats of bodily harm or injury.  Those are different, and none of the below applies to THAT kind of threat.  Any threat of harm to you, your home, or children is one that needs to be reported and acted upon immediately.

These are but just a few common “threats” that are made all too often, and reality is, they seldom come to fruition if ever, and as you get wiser you will know exactly how to respond.

“By the time I’m finished with you, you’ll have nothing”

“You’ll never see your kids again”

“I’m getting sole custody”

“The kids are going to have to testify”

“The house is getting sold and you will be on the street”

“I’m moving out of state”

“I’m quitting my job”

“I’m calling your boss”

“Wait until the Judge finds out that you…”

Sound familiar?

What To Do When He Makes Irrational Threats

Write it down. Yes, like my “lists” this too should be written down. Hearing the threat is very different than seeing it. When your spouse calls, emails or texts you in a rant, all kinds of emotions and buttons are triggered. Under this state, it is very difficult to keep calm and impossible to think straight.

Let the threat come and go. Do not respond to the threat. Do not make a “counter-threat.” Write the threat down. Now read it and think about it. Chances are that within a few minutes of calming down, breathing and reading, you can see that the threat is often unrealistic, unlikely and the product of some other trigger.

A good friend, excellent therapist, and colleague who practices in the field of family therapy once told me, “the dynamics of the marriage are the dynamics of the divorce.” Simply stated, if he was a bully in the marriage he will be a bully in the divorce. If she was controlling in the marriage she will be controlling in the divorce. Do not expect your spouse’s personality or style to change during the divorce, if anything, you will see it reach peak extremes.

Tell your lawyer. Do not believe your spouse’s claims unless your lawyer tells you it is true. In a contested divorce your spouse has two basic goals, first to make your life as difficult as possible, and second, to “win.” If you keep that in mind, you will begin to train yourself not to react to his/her threat. If you react to the threat in a way that your spouse hopes you will, i.e. by caving into unreasonable demands and/or giving him or her anything he/she wants just to “end things” then your spouse’s tactics have worked and the threats will keep coming!

A word about “lawyer letters.” Lawyers write a lot of letters. Some letters are necessary, some not so much, and others to appease their angry and upset clients or make them feel better at your expense. These letters can be very upsetting. I know it is probably easy for me to say it, but truly, do not take them personally. Believe me, your spouse’s attorney isn’t (and your spouse is paying A LOT of money for these letters).

The post Lawyers & Exes & Threats: What To Do When He Makes Irrational Threats appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Anonymous Silicon Valley Tech Titan Offers $1 Million  Reward for the Capture & Prosecution of DA Jeff Rosen Following Hit on Reporter

PictureJudge James Towery caught Naked on Mountain following hit on reporter

​Los Gatos, CA – Shortly after being spotted at a popular weekly summer music series in downtown Los Gatos, a local publisher and investigative reporter covering  California’s family courts and the Santa Clara County DA’s office for sex trafficking crimes suffered a brutal beating following and office break reportedly arranged by Santa Clara County DA Jeff Rosen  and private divorce attorneys  Walter Hammon and Bradford Baugh. The hit and subsequent office break was reportedly executed by Los Gatos police officer Silvia, who resigned two days earlier  after public outrage over his 2016 misconduct.  

Reporters following leads generated by California’s new police records law, SB1421 , are at great risk as local law enforcement agencies , courts, judges and lawyers try to stave off public outrage over conduct that has been concealed from the public for decades. 

County assessor Larry Stone and government lawyers including DA Jeff Rosen, County Counsel Michael Rossi, James Williams and Ward Penfold are linked to the attack in the Mitchell papers that reveal a sex trafficking enterprise operating in California’s family courts.

Whistleblowers inside the DA’s office note reporters getting police misconduct  records are making the leap to the DA’s office, where years of failing to protect families involved in the local courts has reached a tipping point. 

A new technique designed to thwart media investigations of the courts and DA’s office is the frivolous filing of DVROs and civil harassment requests. The day prior to the violent beating on a reporter and theft of unpublished journalist work, Santa Clara County District Attorney Jeff Rosen filed a false declaration in support of his employees to keep reporters at Bay. 

Ironically, the day before Rosen’s declaration was filed, the ex wife of former prosecutor Alan Nudelman filed a request for a permanent CLETS restraining order that protected her and her reporter tenant  from local activist and family court protestor Scott Largent. 

Largent has violated that order on five occasions, less than a month since the CLETS order was filed, ramping up his threats in person and online, 

 Well Known Court Protestor Scott Largent: Snitch for DA Jeff Rosen

Disgruntled that he failed to make income from YouTube, Largent has been repeatedly violating a CLETS order after a reporter discovered he had been acting as a snitch for the District Attorney for over a year. Largent made thousands of illegal recordings and took photos of victims that he passed off to a corrupt DA in return for special favors. These favors included kickbacks for spying on  local parents protesting the family courts.  Insiders note county executive Jeff Smith,  county counsel James Williams and long time Democratic Party leader Steve Preminger promised Largent a motorhome, dental work and immunity for testimony against the reporter and other activists.  

Largent has been reported for stealing unpublished journalistic work for his personal benefit and is now being investigated by the FBI and DOJ after the Santa Clara County DA came on the federal agent radar for crimes connected with the former DAs in Contra Costa and Orange County. 

                                                   Office Break- In 

Largent, who is believed to be violent and mentally unstable, has been video recording and photographing victims of police brutality and family courts. He also reportedly copied and stole paperwork and evidence that was critical to an investigation of several police officers from the San Jose Police that was provided by a Whistleblower known as Debbie the Dispatcher.  Now retired, Debbie is known to have been on duty during the 2014 and 2015 domestic violence issues involving several former 49ers who were protected by divorce attorneys Nicole Ford, Elise Mitchell, Hector Moreno, Jessica Huey, Heather Allan, Walter Hammon, Dennis Luca,  and Mark Erickson. 

       Rosen and Larry Stone Link to Tech and Real Estate corruption in Silicon Valley 

Just before the newsroom break in, a number of records requests were produced by the county related to county assessor Larry Stone and DA Jeff Rosen, The records show vast waste of taxpayer dollars , a money laundering enterprise, and sex trafficking connected not only to the 49er’s but across the Bay to the A’s and Raiders through the Richmond cops. 

Also stolen were edited objections made by Stanford Law professors who are planning to teach special courses this fall on prosecutorial misconduct in response to the outrage over Rosen’s declaration that severed to mislead a judge and act as a prior restraint on speech. 

                       California District Attorneys are Worried About Protestors

One year after ruckus protests in Contra Costa county that caught the attention of mainstream media and the local grand jury, judges, and DA’s are worried about summer protests announced on social media that are expected at California’s State Bar locations in Los Angeles  and San Francisco later this month. 

Protestors will demand greater accountability for lawyers and judges. Insisting that prosecuting perjury in the state’s family courts be mandatory. The protests are expected to demand greater public protections. Parents are also demanding judges be held accountable when they drag out divorce cases simply to make lawyers more money, harming innocent children in the process. 

Few judges are enforcing court orders for child support or custody, and parents are fed up. 

Misuse of the Domestic Violence is also on the radar. Students working as interns in California’s courts this summer have been appalled at the ludicrous  claims of violence that are simply not believed, but rubberstamped by corrupt judges. 

” We pay millions for orders that are just a joke. No police officer enforces these orders and our children are suffering as a result. It is taking all family money and it is a criminal enterprise working for tech companies and big real estate firms.” claimed divorce mother Tanya R. of Sunnyvale, California. 

” DV is the new DUI for Silicon Valley, your spouse lies, and you pay $50- 100,000 just to defend those claims. Calling someone an asshole can get you nailed with a DV, or worse, on the DA’s terrorist threat list to bring you into the criminal courts,”  claimed  C. Graves of San Martin, California.  

” I was married to a San Jose cop. He was horribly abusive and every judge and lawyer in the court protected him. I got nothing from our divorce. Don’t think it is any better down here. ” Beth G. of Newport Beach,  California 


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Ward Penfold being investigated for ties to sex trafficking rings.

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Divorce for Female Entrepreneur

5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs & How to Save Your Marriage

Divorce for Female Entrepreneur

 

The life of an entrepreneur is an exciting one. Female entrepreneurs learn to be tech-savvy, hone interpersonal skills, and manage money as they build their business. But there is one downside to the entrepreneurial life that is all too common for married businesswomen. Getting a divorce!

Building an empire (even if only from your living room) is fantastic, but your spouse may not always feel that way. Statistics show that for every 1000 US women, 16 will end up divorced each year. These are not great odds for those looking to marry their forever person.

So, what about a strong female pursuing her professional dreams? Does her professional aspiration put her marriage in jeopardy? These are the 5 most common causes of divorce in entrepreneurs and 3 steps to take to make sure your marriage stays strong and healthy as you follow your dreams.

5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs

1. Not Enough Quality Time Together

Women entrepreneurs are passionate and feisty so it’s no surprise that they put their whole being into building their businesses. But sometimes this passion comes at the cost of their marriage.

Research indicates that couples need a 3:1 ratio of happiness to succeed in marriage. And when are couples most happy? Studies say it’s when they are spending quality time together. In fact, survey results revealed that couples experience a boost in happiness and a decrease in stress when they are spending alone time together.

When you are putting all of your strength and energy into your business, there’s little left at the end of the day for your spouse. Not spending quality time together can be a real relationship killer.

2. Added Stress

As wonderful and exciting as marriage is, it can also be an incredibly stressful experience at times. In-laws, maintaining a romantic connection while raising a family, buying a house, and other ins and outs of your daily routine can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Now, on top of all of these normal aspects of marriage, throw running your own business into the mix and you’re in for some stressful times ahead.

When couples don’t form a strong partnership as a unit, this stress can drag the relationship down.

3. Financial Worries

One study surveyed 748 instances of conflict between 100 different couples and found that money was the most repetitive and salient topic they argued about.

This survey highlights how tricky the topic of money can be in a marriage. Especially if you don’t have enough of it. Research shows that low-income couples are more likely to be affected by stress and mental health issues than other couples.

Starting your own business is certainly an adventure, but it’s also a big risk. Working for yourself, especially if you are just starting out, means that you won’t have a steady income for quite some time. You may not even be able to take a paycheck for several years.

Not only does this put a strain on your household finances, but it may also force your spouse to become the breadwinner of the family. They can cause resentment and anxiety to form within the marriage.

4. Not Leaving Work at the Door

One of the biggest problems for both men and women entrepreneurs is the inability to create a work-life balance.

Because you work for yourself, there is no way to “clock out” of your job. Getting back to work after a long day is as simple as picking up your smartphone and answering emails. This behavior is great for your business and bad for your marriage.

In a survey of 308 adults, 46.3% admitted to feeling ignored when their partner is on their smart device. This “phone snubbing/phubbing” practice has been shown to lower relationship satisfaction.

Furthermore, studies show that spending too much time on your smart device and social media can threaten real-life communication, even with family and close loved ones.

5. Lack of Stability

Research shows that 90% of startups will fail. This is a frightening fact for most entrepreneurs, not to mention their spouses.

When most people get married, they expect a certain standard of living. That isn’t to say they expect to sleep on a bed of hundred-dollar bills, but they want to come home to a loving spouse, perhaps buy a home or start a family together.

But when married to an entrepreneur, there is no stability. There are no set hours for work, no guarantee that they will be there to support the household or engage in family life.

What a Marriage Needs to be Successful for Female Entrepreneurs

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. All couples are bound to go through some lulls throughout their relationship, but this doesn’t mean your love is destined for divorce.

Here are 3 key tips for keeping your marriage alive as a female entrepreneur.

1. Open Communication

In a survey of 886 troubled couples, 53% admitted a lack of communication as one of the most common reasons for filing for divorce.

This statistic highlights the importance of talking openly and honestly with your spouse.

Communication is the basis of every strong relationship. Not only does communication help couples get to know one another better, but it also helps partners avoid miscommunications and grow closer.

If you are going through a stressful time trying to get your business off the ground, don’t shut your partner out. Talk to them about what you’re going through. This will help them understand your emotions and behavior. When your spouse knows what’s going on in your life both emotionally and otherwise, it also gives them an opportunity to show you their love and support.

2. Putting the Marriage First

For women entrepreneurs, their business is their baby. They would do anything to care for it and ensure its success in the world.

Many times this passion and drive to put the business first causes entrepreneurs to put their spouse on the backburner.

Not being a priority can make a spouse feel hurt, betrayed, and neglected. This can lead to serious relationship problems.

Don’t let your business come before your spouse. Or at the very least, make sure they are on equal footing.

3. Quality Time Together

Having a regular date night will strengthen your marriage for years to come. Research conducted by the National Marriage Project found that there are both emotional and physical benefits to spending quality time with your spouse on a regular basis.

The research results showed that couples who practice date night one or more times a month experience more eros in their relationship. Eros refers to the romantic love that we often feel during the beginning stages of a new relationship that creates excitement, overwhelming attraction, and passion for each other.

A regular date night also strengthens commitment and reduces stress in a marriage. The study goes on to say that couples will also experience an increase in sexual satisfaction and that “spouses who experience high levels of couple time are significantly less likely to report that they are prone to divorce.”

Women entrepreneurs put their heart and soul into building their businesses. This is great for your professional life, but don’t let it be a drain on your marriage. Make time for your spouse, learn to create a work-life balance, and communicate openly. These keys will help you avoid the curse of entrepreneurs – divorce.

The post 5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs & How to Save Your Marriage appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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