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Divorce for Female Entrepreneur

5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs & How to Save Your Marriage

Divorce for Female Entrepreneur

 

The life of an entrepreneur is an exciting one. Female entrepreneurs learn to be tech-savvy, hone interpersonal skills, and manage money as they build their business. But there is one downside to the entrepreneurial life that is all too common for married businesswomen. Getting a divorce!

Building an empire (even if only from your living room) is fantastic, but your spouse may not always feel that way. Statistics show that for every 1000 US women, 16 will end up divorced each year. These are not great odds for those looking to marry their forever person.

So, what about a strong female pursuing her professional dreams? Does her professional aspiration put her marriage in jeopardy? These are the 5 most common causes of divorce in entrepreneurs and 3 steps to take to make sure your marriage stays strong and healthy as you follow your dreams.

5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs

1. Not Enough Quality Time Together

Women entrepreneurs are passionate and feisty so it’s no surprise that they put their whole being into building their businesses. But sometimes this passion comes at the cost of their marriage.

Research indicates that couples need a 3:1 ratio of happiness to succeed in marriage. And when are couples most happy? Studies say it’s when they are spending quality time together. In fact, survey results revealed that couples experience a boost in happiness and a decrease in stress when they are spending alone time together.

When you are putting all of your strength and energy into your business, there’s little left at the end of the day for your spouse. Not spending quality time together can be a real relationship killer.

2. Added Stress

As wonderful and exciting as marriage is, it can also be an incredibly stressful experience at times. In-laws, maintaining a romantic connection while raising a family, buying a house, and other ins and outs of your daily routine can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Now, on top of all of these normal aspects of marriage, throw running your own business into the mix and you’re in for some stressful times ahead.

When couples don’t form a strong partnership as a unit, this stress can drag the relationship down.

3. Financial Worries

One study surveyed 748 instances of conflict between 100 different couples and found that money was the most repetitive and salient topic they argued about.

This survey highlights how tricky the topic of money can be in a marriage. Especially if you don’t have enough of it. Research shows that low-income couples are more likely to be affected by stress and mental health issues than other couples.

Starting your own business is certainly an adventure, but it’s also a big risk. Working for yourself, especially if you are just starting out, means that you won’t have a steady income for quite some time. You may not even be able to take a paycheck for several years.

Not only does this put a strain on your household finances, but it may also force your spouse to become the breadwinner of the family. They can cause resentment and anxiety to form within the marriage.

4. Not Leaving Work at the Door

One of the biggest problems for both men and women entrepreneurs is the inability to create a work-life balance.

Because you work for yourself, there is no way to “clock out” of your job. Getting back to work after a long day is as simple as picking up your smartphone and answering emails. This behavior is great for your business and bad for your marriage.

In a survey of 308 adults, 46.3% admitted to feeling ignored when their partner is on their smart device. This “phone snubbing/phubbing” practice has been shown to lower relationship satisfaction.

Furthermore, studies show that spending too much time on your smart device and social media can threaten real-life communication, even with family and close loved ones.

5. Lack of Stability

Research shows that 90% of startups will fail. This is a frightening fact for most entrepreneurs, not to mention their spouses.

When most people get married, they expect a certain standard of living. That isn’t to say they expect to sleep on a bed of hundred-dollar bills, but they want to come home to a loving spouse, perhaps buy a home or start a family together.

But when married to an entrepreneur, there is no stability. There are no set hours for work, no guarantee that they will be there to support the household or engage in family life.

What a Marriage Needs to be Successful for Female Entrepreneurs

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. All couples are bound to go through some lulls throughout their relationship, but this doesn’t mean your love is destined for divorce.

Here are 3 key tips for keeping your marriage alive as a female entrepreneur.

1. Open Communication

In a survey of 886 troubled couples, 53% admitted a lack of communication as one of the most common reasons for filing for divorce.

This statistic highlights the importance of talking openly and honestly with your spouse.

Communication is the basis of every strong relationship. Not only does communication help couples get to know one another better, but it also helps partners avoid miscommunications and grow closer.

If you are going through a stressful time trying to get your business off the ground, don’t shut your partner out. Talk to them about what you’re going through. This will help them understand your emotions and behavior. When your spouse knows what’s going on in your life both emotionally and otherwise, it also gives them an opportunity to show you their love and support.

2. Putting the Marriage First

For women entrepreneurs, their business is their baby. They would do anything to care for it and ensure its success in the world.

Many times this passion and drive to put the business first causes entrepreneurs to put their spouse on the backburner.

Not being a priority can make a spouse feel hurt, betrayed, and neglected. This can lead to serious relationship problems.

Don’t let your business come before your spouse. Or at the very least, make sure they are on equal footing.

3. Quality Time Together

Having a regular date night will strengthen your marriage for years to come. Research conducted by the National Marriage Project found that there are both emotional and physical benefits to spending quality time with your spouse on a regular basis.

The research results showed that couples who practice date night one or more times a month experience more eros in their relationship. Eros refers to the romantic love that we often feel during the beginning stages of a new relationship that creates excitement, overwhelming attraction, and passion for each other.

A regular date night also strengthens commitment and reduces stress in a marriage. The study goes on to say that couples will also experience an increase in sexual satisfaction and that “spouses who experience high levels of couple time are significantly less likely to report that they are prone to divorce.”

Women entrepreneurs put their heart and soul into building their businesses. This is great for your professional life, but don’t let it be a drain on your marriage. Make time for your spouse, learn to create a work-life balance, and communicate openly. These keys will help you avoid the curse of entrepreneurs – divorce.

The post 5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs & How to Save Your Marriage appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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child-centered summer activities

Single Mom Budget: 10 Fun & Inexpensive Child-Centered Summer Activities

child-centered summer activities

 

Growing up in a family of six children, raised by a single mother, vacations were few and far between. I cherish those moments and remember many inexpensive things done near home.

Airplane tickets were out of the question and with six kids, even a small vacation was expensive. My mom was often so busy, angry and exhausted that having a break, just to relax and enjoy time together wasn’t at the front of her mind but I wish it had been.

I want to create fun memories for Hidalgo, broaden his mind, help him become a well-rounded individual. This also means broadening experiences and getting out into the real world. I can’t afford to take him to multiple exotic summer homes but I can do lots of little things.

Here are 10 inexpensive Child-Centered Summer Activities

1.  Tent Camping:

If your only experience of camping is on a crowded campsite with dodgy plumbing this sounds horrible. There is a better kind of camping, in nature. Check the regulations at your nearest state/national forest, borrow or rent some basic equipment if you’re not convinced and try it with your kids. With a car, a map and some basic equipment, you can head to the hills.  Be surrounded by silence, tell stories and roast marshmallows over a campfire, take walks and explore in nature. Kids love it. I love it. Maybe you love it?

2.  Rent a cabin:

I’m a huge fan of state and national parks and forests. The low-cost resources available at them are second to none. Europe does not have the extensive land or preservation system of the U.S. and these are resources that can become a lifetime of vacation memories. If the thought of sleeping on the ground really creeps you out, cabins are very affordable. The rustic nature plus convenience of indoor plumbing get you out of your surroundings and into nature without going fully feral.

3.  Fishing:

Again, this one involves equipment (borrow at first), nature and a car. Don’t forget to the fishing license from your local bait shop (kids are free). I’m a bit of a tomboy and really like the thrill of catching my meal.  My love of it came from those tight money times when my mother crammed us into the car and drove us to the nearest lake to spend the afternoon angling for the big one. To this day, I have no idea if we needed that fish to supplement our meager rations or it was really a vacation. We just liked being outside, all together, focused on the wiggle of the pole and eating the spoils.

4.  Canoeing:

As you see, there is a theme building in terms of nature activities which involve equipment. I lived a few years in the Western part of the U.S. just after graduation when I had the least money but the most energy. I’ve tried many outdoor pursuits…kayaking, rock climbing, backpacking, hiking, fishing because they were cheap and fun. Many state parks and local outfitters rent equipment at reasonable prices. Who knows? You might love it so much you buy your own equipment and find a great new hobby. There are tons of things to do in nature.  Inspire your kids, Inspire yourself.

5.  Amusements:

Amusement parks, zoos, science centers, water parks, aquariums, and natural history museums are all fun and inexpensive activities. I don’t love them all but the little one thinks they are great. The ones in your town or near your town are probably good. Drive an hour and maybe the large city nearby has great options. I find it odd that people will spend lots of money to come all the way to France to see museums and exhibits but have never been to their local attractions. Check your city’s visitor guide. I bet there is stuff you haven’t seen or done yet.

6.  Ride the rails, Ride the ferries:

Depending on where you live, this is either very easy or near impossible. Public transportation is of poor quality in the states compared to Europe but there are places the trains go and if you buy early, they can be economical. Many large bodies of water are traversed by public and private ferry service. Think of a novel form of transport that gets you somewhere new. Kids like new experiences…riding a training even if it’s just a few towns over for a burger might be new to both of you.

7.  Build a fort:

When I was a kid, we were allowed to roam the neighborhood at all hours and discover the edges of our little world. We built kid camps just on the borders where the houses stopped and the ravines and wild places began.  Sadly, many kids don’t have this kind of freedom anymore. But a fort can be built over summer with found objects in your own back yard. Help as necessary for safety but let them do as much as they can on their own. If you’re lucky, they’ll sleep in it and give you some much needed quiet.

8. Join a local recreation center:

Join a local recreational center, like the YMCA, which offers affordable memberships and plenty of programs. My summer days were spent at the local city pool run by the recreation center. A pass purchased for a city-run activity is quite inexpensive.

9. Thank local heroes:

Take a tour of your police or fire station. Since most locations don’t have set visiting hours, call ahead to arrange an appointment. What better lesson for kids to learn than showing respect for and thanking their local heroes.

10. Build an obstacle course:

Build a backyard obstacle course with hula hoops, jump ropes, even a hose, then time the kids. The building and running the course, will teach them creativity and keep them occupied with a fun activity.

Having fun does not have to cost lots of money. I grew up poor but didn’t really know I was until the later years. Times were hard but my mother did the best she could with what she had. We had fun, we did stuff during the summers as a family and we enjoyed it. That’s how I want Hidalgo to remember his childhood.

The post Single Mom Budget: 10 Fun & Inexpensive Child-Centered Summer Activities appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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divorce & the stay-at-home mom

Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: 8 Necessary Steps To Take

divorce & the stay-at-home mom

 

Divorce can be an especially stressful time as a stay-at-home mom who has dedicated the past few years to raising kids and taking care of the family. By taking time away from their work life, they may be at a disadvantage. This is because it could be hard going back or relearning certain job-skills to make them competitive in the workplace again.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a beautiful way to raise your kids and fill the day with the various stresses and rewards of family care. However, It should not keep you from reaching your financial goals and well-being during a time of divorce.

Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: 7 Necessary Steps

Get all of your financial documents together:

This includes W2s and tax returns from previous years, income statements including pay stubs, insurance policies, bank statements, details about loans and mortgages, and investment accounts. This will help the attorney understand your financial quality of life over the past few years to ensure that a divorce does not keep you from providing the same financial wellbeing to you and your children moving forward.

Gain access to funds:

You will need access to your marital account to pay for the finances of divorce. Hiring an attorney to represent you is critical so that you can secure your lifestyle after the process has completed. If you lack access to a joint account, you will need to create an individual fund from savings where you can make payments for the representation you need.

Craft a new budget:

Take the time to sit down one day and realistically draw up a budget based on how much is spent monthly on food, clothing, a mortgage on the house, utility bills, phone bills, and other necessities. This will create an outline of what is to be expected to keep supporting your kids and family.

Know what the marital house is worth:

Although you may want to continue living in the marital home for sentimental value to you and your kids, a divorce already stretches you and your spouse financially. It may be wise to have the house appraised and to know how much it is worth. In this way, if the budget needs to be limited, you can always sell the property and downsize to keep paying the bills for necessary items.

Get a handle on your credit:

You can find out your credit score on sites such as Credit Karma. Having a good credit score will allow lenders to feel more confident in lending the funds you need for mortgages on homes, cars, etc. One way to improve your credit score is to pay off student loans from the past. Remember, on credit cards you should never use more than 30% of your available credit line. Also, always pay bills on time, so you do not accumulate a hefty interest fee.

Plan to return to work:

Having a job gives you a chance to set up an individual account and to grant you the financial freedom you need to cover extra expenses. Make a resume with your most up-to-date skills and go on interviews in various industries. If you have already made a budget for yourself, you will know what salary to aim for at the end of each month.

Consider requesting temporary alimony:

If a judge determines that you have been at home for an extended period of time and cannot return to work right away because you do not have immediate skills, he/she will request that your ex-spouse give temporary alimony to cover the lifestyle you have been accustomed to over the years. If no prenuptial agreements were arranged before the marriage, you might be entitled to part of your ex-spouse’s funds.

Hire a team of qualified professionals:

By finding the perfect divorce attorney to represent you, you can come to court prepared to know that you have someone there who understands your needs and where you are coming from. In hiring a team, it is essential to look for someone who has the experience, shows compassion, and has a good reputation of winning settlements in favor of the client’s requests.

Hiring a lawyer to represent you can bring a feeling of felt relief. Having someone on your side to provider knowledge and skills that deliver is an essential reason for hiring a lawyer.  Being a stay at home mom while going through a divorce can be stressful and difficult, but you can stay ahead of the game and keep prepared by following this guideline and meeting a lawyer sooner rather than later!

The post Divorce & The Stay-At-Home Mom: 8 Necessary Steps To Take appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Fonagy & Tronick

Fonagy & Tronick

I want to make a statement to my professional colleagues – clinical psychologists and other mental health professionals – regarding the knowledge needed for professional competence.

In every clinical experience I’ve been in, the professional standard of practice expectation is that you know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then you read journals to stay current.

I consider that expected standard of practice.  So, when I was actively working in ADHD, I knew everything there was to know about ADHD and its treatment, and I was reading journals to stay current.

Same for when I moved into high-functioning autism as a differential diagnosis with ADHD.  As my work in pathology expanded into autism-spectrum pathology, so did the professional expectation for expanded knowledge.  I then had to learn everything there is to know about autism, and read the journals to remain current.

My shift in focus on ADHD into earlier childhood and the developing brain met with an increasing knowledge of autism-spectrum pathology, and I moved into early childhood mental health, a high-knowledge domain.  Psychology in the birth-to-five age range requires extensive knowledge of brain development – involving rapid and ever-shifting developmental phases across multiple systems.

You’ll see on my vitae a whole area of additional training I took when I entered early childhood mental health.  There’s an expectation when working with a pathology.  You’re expected to know everything there is to know about the pathology and its treatment, and then you read journals to stay current.

That’s what makes an old clinical psychologist kind of special.  I know everything there is to know about a lot of different pathologies.  Every pathology I’ve ever worked with, I knew everything about it at the time I was working with that type of pathology.

That’s called a professional standard of practice.  That was the expected standard of practice for all the physicians at the Children’s Hospitals I worked at.  I worked at two.  Don’t you want your child’s physician to know everything there is to know about your child’s pathology, and to be reading journals to stay current?

Of course you do.

I’m not a physician.  I’m a psychologist.  But I worked at Children’s Hospitals as a pediatric psychologist.  That was my world.  I was on medical staff at Children’s Hospital of Orange County as a pediatric psychologist, working with Jim Swanson and the UCI Child Development Center on a clinical research intervention for ADHD in preschool-age children.

Where I come from, the expectation of professional practice is to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then read journals to stay current.  That is consistent with professional standard of practice expectations at a Children’s Hospital.

In assessing, diagnosing, and treating attachment-related pathology, Bowlby’s three volumes and the Handbook of Attachment are essential.  In assessing, diagnosing, and treating family pathology, Minuchin and Bowen are essential.  For conflict, Tronick and the Still Face research on the breach-and-repair sequence is essential.  If you are working with narcissistic or borderline personality pathology, then Kernberg, Millon, Beck, and Linehan are all essential.

Does that sound like a lot to know?  It’s not.  In the world I come from, the standard of professional practice is to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then read journals to stay current.

Does that seem like an excessively hard standard?  To know – everything – there is to know?  It’s not. 

It’s considered standard of practice at a Children’s Hospital.  Don’t you want the treating physician for your child to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and be reading journals to stay current?  Of course you do.  That’s considered standard of practice for the treating physicians at a Children’s Hospital.  That’s professional standard of practice.

Whatever pathology you are working with, you are expected to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and be reading journals to stay current.  That means if you are working with an attachment pathology, you need to know everything there is to know about the attachment system.  Everything.  Families, family systems therapy.  Personality disorders, trauma, IPV, whatever the pathology is that you’re working with – everything there is to know and read journals to stay current.

You need to know the work of Peter Fonagy and Edward Tronick.  You need to, it’s not optional.

Peter Fonagy

Peter Fonagy’s work on borderline mothers and the intersubjective mentalization of the child’s psychological experience is required reading.  These articles by Fonagy regarding borderline personality pathology are required reading for all mental health professionals working with complex family conflict surrounding divorce.  Required means not optional.

Fonagy, P., Luyten, P., and Strathearn, L. (2011). Borderline personality disorder, mentalization, and the neurobiology of attachment. Infant Mental Health Journal, 32, 47-69.

Fonagy, P., Steele, M. & Steele, H. (1991). Intergenerational patterns of attachment: Maternal representations during pregnancy and subsequent infant-mother attachments. Child Development, 62, 891-905.

Fonagy P. & Target M. (2005). Bridging the transmission gap: An end to an important mystery in attachment research? Attachment and Human Development, 7, 333-343.

Fonagy, P., Target, M., Gergely, G., Allen, J.G., and Bateman, A. W. (2003). The developmental roots of Borderline Personality Disorder in early attachment relationships: A theory and some evidence. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 23, 412-459.

If you are working with narcissistic and borderline personality pathology (which you are), then Kernberg, Millon, Beck, and Linehan are all essential – and Fonagy for borderline personality and attachment pathology.

Fonagy’s research describes the role-reversal relationship of the borderline parent’s interactions with the child, that feeds on and destroys the child’s inner psychological structure.

In borderline (and narcissistic) pathology, the parent psychologically feeds on the child’s self-structure development to meet the parent’s own need to support the parent’s own damaged self-structure.  That’s Fonagy, the role-reversal use of the child to meet the parent’s needs.

What ignorance sees as a “bonded” relationship to the parent is actually an extremely pathological and destructive role-reversal relationship, in which the child is being used to meet the parent’s emotional needs.  That’s Fonagy and the borderline parent.

Edward Tronick

The Still Face research of Dr. Tronick at Harvard is remarkable and essential knowledge regarding the parent-child relationship and the nature of conflict.  Google still face Tronick YouTube, and Dr. Tronick will explain the research and the breach-and-repair sequence.

Tronick: Still Face

You see what Ed Tronick at Harvard says about the breach-and-repair sequence, he calls it “the good, the bad, and the ugly” – you heard that, right?   The worst possible thing we can do – the ugly – is to leave an un-repaired breach in the parent-child relationship.  That’s the WORST thing possible, to leave the child in an un-repaired breach with a parent – the “ugly” of Dr. Tronick’s characterization.

Dr. Tronick’s work isn’t about infants – it is… and it’s more.  It’s about the structural development of brain systems governing social interaction, and for navigating social conflict, the breach-and-repair sequence.  This is how we’re constructed to work. 

Conflict is normal, excessive conflict is unhealthy.  The key to conflict is the breach-and-repair sequence.  We always want to repair, we never leave an un-repaired breach in the parent-child bond.  How do we repair?

That’s why you need to know Tronick and the Still Face knowledge.  He will explain how we repair.  Daniel Stern also does a remarkable job of explaining the sequences of repair as well.  Stern and Tronick will open up doors of understanding regarding protest behavior and the breach-and-repair sequence.

Not only should you know Bowlby and all of the attachment literature, you should know Minuchin and Bowen (hopefully more) from family systems therapy, Kernberg, Millon, Beck, and Linehan from personality disorders, van der Kolk regarding complex trauma (and hopefully Perry and Briere regarding trauma), and Fonagy and Tronick (hopefully Stern) from neuro-development and intersubjectivity.

Does that seem like a lot?  It’s not.  Standard of practice is to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then read journals to stay current.  That has been the standard and expectation everywhere I have ever worked.  That was the expectation working at Keith Nuechterlein’s project on schizophrenia at UCLA.  It was just expected that everyone knew everything there was to know about schizophrenia and we were reading journals to stay current.

Now no one can know everything… except maybe Keith on schizophrenia.  Seriously, he knew everything.  If you’re in conversation with Keith and you don’t know something, he’s nice and all about it, but you feel like, dang, so then you have to go learn everything so you don’t feel completely ignorant in conversation… The expectation is that you know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then read journals to remain current.

That was the expectation working with Jim Swanson and the UCI Child Development Center.  Jim Swanson is another one of those knows everything there is to know about ADHD grand-kahuna type people.  That’s why I went from Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles (CHLA) to Children’s Hospital of Orange County (Choc), it was specifically to work on a project with Jim Swanson on ADHD in preschool-age children.  His work in the field is substantial.  I remember he put me onto an adaptive genetics line of the ADHD research that is intriguing.  His psychometric innovation from the SNAP to the SWAN has also been of immense value in the creation of the Parent-Child Relationship Rating Scale, anchored to a normal curve, bow to Dr. Swanson and the SWAN.

Again, Jim never made you feel stupid for not knowing something, but dang, he knew everything and you were kind of wasting his time if he had to explain things so… the expectation was that you know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then read journals to stay current.

That was the expectation working on the spina bifida clinic at CHLA, and on oncology research at CHLA.  That was the expectation for standard of care at Choc – to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then read journals to stay current.

Ignorance is lazy.  Go be lazy somewhere else.  If you are going to work with a pathology, know what you’re doing.

A child rejecting a parent is an attachment pathology.  The attachment system is the brain system governing all aspects of love and bonding throughout the lifespan.  A child rejecting a parent is a problem in love and bonding, a problem in the attachment system.  It is standard of practice for you to know everything there is to know about the attachment system and attachment pathology, and to be reading journals to remain current.

A child rejecting a parent surrounding divorce is a family pathology.  It is standard of practice for you to know everything there is to know about family systems therapy, and then be reading journals to stay current.

If this seems like a lot to expect, it’s not.  You’re just lazy.  Lazy is not tolerated at a Children’s Hospital.  That’s not acceptable standard of practice for children and families.  When children’s health and well-being is on the line, the standard of practice is to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then to be reading journals to remain current.

What possible argument can there be in favor of ignorance and laziness in professional practice with children and families?  What possible argument can there be in favor of ignorance and laziness in professional practice with the courts, when lives hang in the balance?

The professional standard of practice expectation is for the highest standards of practice, which means that you are expected to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then be reading journals to remain current – that’s attachment, family systems therapy, personality disorders, complex trauma, and the neuro-development of the brain in the parent-child relationship.

That especially includes Fonagy and Tronick.

Knowledge and the application of knowledge is a professional expectation and standard of practice (Standard 2.04 of the APA ethics code).

Everywhere I have ever worked, the expectation and standard of practice is to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then read journals to stay current.  That’s the standard of Children’s Hospitals, and I agree with that standard when working with children’s mental health and well-being.  

That’s the standard I apply, I’ll leave it to others to explain why their ignorance and laziness is warranted.  The standard of practice in my world is to know everything there is to know about the pathology, and then read journals to stay current.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857

 

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Do You Know The Difference Between a Codependent & Interdependent Relationship?

Do You Know The Difference Between a Codependent & Interdependent Relationship?

I was surprised to learn that this grove of Aspen trees is actually one organism, sharing one root system. Each of us also is an interconnected community of 70 trillion cells.

Biologist Bruce Lipton believes that together we’re “one collaborative superorganism.” I love that Facebook allows us to connect one-to-one all over the planet. For the movie: click here.

Society is highly specialized and interdependent so that few of us would know how to survive without running water, electricity, and a supermarket. We’re also dependent upon our personal relationships. Human brains aren’t fully developed for 18 years, and psychological and financial independence from our parents takes even longer.

Moreover, as adults, we depend upon others to fill sexual, social, and emotional needs, such as friendship, communication, nurturing, appreciation, learning, love, and touch. The closer a relationship, the more we’re interconnected.

The Debate

Many claim that because we’re wired for dependency and that “codependency” is normal and shouldn’t be considered a problem to correct. They claim it’s not only natural but healthy and beneficial to be dependent upon an intimate relationship. They blame the codependency movement for breaking up marriages and people’s loneliness. I agree that we all have dependency needs and that healthy relationships can meet those needs and greatly benefit us.

However, codependency’s detractors don’t understand – probably from lack of personal experience – that codependents don’t reap those relationship benefits. Often they’re in unhealthy relationships, and they relate to others in unhealthy ways with patterns of obsession, self-sacrifice, dysfunctional communication, and control, which are both self-destructive and hurtful to others. They’re often abusive or allow themselves to be abused.

Codependent & Interdependent Relationships

Codependent Couples

Codependent couples are usually out-of-balance. Frequently, there are struggles for power and control. There may be an imbalance of power or one partner has taken on responsibilities for the other. They’re anxious, resentful, and feel guilty and responsible for their partner’s needs, feelings and moods, and even at times, behavior. Then they try to control one another to feel okay and get their own needs met. Rather than respect each other’s separateness and individuality, they can’t tolerate disagreement and appease or blame one another without taking responsibility for themselves. Often, what they dislike in their partner is the very thing they can’t accept in themselves.

Despite their pain, they can feel trapped in the relationship because they fear that they can’t function on their own. Some codependent marriages are cooperative and not abusive. Generally, one or both spouses are tip-toeing around the other. There’s no drama, but no passion either, because real intimacy is sacrificed. Their mutual codependency and insecurity make intimacy threatening, since being honest and known risks rejection or dissolution of their fragile self.

Like the Aspen trees, on the surface each may appear to be physically and even mentally and emotionally independent, yet, at an unconscious level, they’re two insecure adults dependent upon each other to express a whole. For instance, a woman who has trouble expressing anger marries an angry man who expresses it for her. Or a man who is extremely closed and shy marries a woman who’s emotionally open and gregarious.

They need each other to express their full humanity. In other cases, it’s more obvious that one partner needs the other for emotional stability, as in the case of alcoholic relationships. Financial dependence doesn’t necessarily create codependence, where the dependent partner has good self-esteem and emotional support outside the marriage.  Even spouses who appear more capable and stronger may be equally dependent on the relationship. They need someone to care for in order to feel needed, worthwhile, and not alone, while their other partner feels valued by receiving. Successful narcissists can be very dependent. They need someone to adore and look up to them.

Interdependent Couples

What makes interconnections healthy is interdependency – not codependency.  Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy – the ability to function independently. When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, desire closeness, be concerned for one another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings and actions and contribution to the relationship.

Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each others’ differences and honor one another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest and can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive.  Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for one another’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.

The post Do You Know The Difference Between a Codependent & Interdependent Relationship? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Personal, Property & Financial Information Your Divorce Attorney Will Need

Personal, Property & Financial Information Your Divorce Attorney Will Need

Once you’ve made your decision to divorce, your new attorney will need information from you in order to get the ball rolling and the divorce process started.

The post Personal, Property & Financial Information Your Divorce Attorney Will Need appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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child custody & vacation

Child Custody & Vacation: How Can Travel Plans Affect Your Custody Agreement?

child custody & vacation

 

Traveling as a family isn’t very complicated. As a duo, you were able to decide on the best location, dates, budget, meals, and packing strategy. In a divorce, traveling with children is a whole new ballgame. Suddenly your plans require extra steps and the law can get involved.

Traveling plans affect custody agreements in a variety of ways. Depending on traveling plans, custody agreements are subject to modification. If you have concerns about your custody agreement and are in search of a divorce lawyer, please refer to your local directory and get the answers you need regarding child custody.

Local lawyers will fight for you and your child’s best interest and will provide you with unique and individualized attention. While there are little-to-no ways of avoiding traveling issues between you and your ex, there are steps that can be taken to ease the process.

Please consider the following step by step maneuvers when dealing with child custody and vacation:

Have a Written Agreement

Needless to say, upon divorce there must be a written document in place that addresses child custody arrangements. There are no defined rules for custody and you and your partner are allowed to modify pre-established agreements. Within this agreement, should be a section designated to special occasion custody circumstances. When undergoing a divorce, it is critical to have in writing, under what circumstances one parent is allowed to travel with the child.

Can the child and parent leave the country? Will they be unsupervised? Is the other parent allowed contact with the child during the vacation? All these concerns and more must be addressed in writing to avoid disputes and serious legal complications.

What is a Controlling Document?

Specific conditions related to travel should be included in a controlling document. There are basic provisions that should be clarified within the document, such as whether the parent must be notified if the parent is taking the child out-of-state.

More specific issues should be clarified as well. If one parent has pre-decided custody for a certain holiday, but the other parent wishes to take the child on vacation during the same holiday, the protocol for those circumstances must be made clear.

Who is allowed to travel with the child and parent and who is not? This should also be included in the document. Who will provide proper travel gear for the children and who will store this equipment? Is the child allowed to miss school days for vacation time? All of which must be addressed in advance. An important issue that must be decided upon divorce is which parent will store travel papers and official documents and how soon must they provide the other parent with that information.

Travel Rules

If your ex successfully takes the children on vacation and then begins violating your previous agreements, you are allowed to sue them for breach of contract. If your ex does not allow you to speak to the children on vacation, you can file a motion with the court and have your former spouse held in contempt of a court order. This notifies your ex that if they continue to breach the agreement, you will take legal action – just because they are not physically reachable, they will face consequences.

Don’t Wait, Contact A Divorce Lawyer Who Can Provide Assistance

There is no way to completely prepare for every possible scenario that may occur upon traveling. The more issues you and your ex are able to address and reach consensus on prior, the better. If you are in search of a qualified divorce lawyer and want legal guidance on custody issues, contact a legal team to schedule a meeting with a passionate professional today and ease your custody concerns.

The post Child Custody & Vacation: How Can Travel Plans Affect Your Custody Agreement? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Social Media & Divorce: an “Infidelity-Generating” Machine

Social Media & Divorce: an “Infidelity-Generating” Machine

Social media has become so prevalent in divorce proceedings that Facebook is known as an “infidelity-generating machine.”

The post Social Media & Divorce: an “Infidelity-Generating” Machine appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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MLFs Expose Judges & Morgan Hill Lawyer Laura Perry in  Silicon Valley  Guns & Sex Trafficking Ring

Sex Trafficking, Drugs & Guns In Silicon Valley Divorces

Morgan Hill attorney Laura Perry just tied Morgan Hill’s most nefarious MLF, Heidi Vlf, to a criminal enterprise trafficking teenage girls, guns and designer drugs through the county’s foster care system and local family courts. 

Taxpayers and Victims determined to remove Santa Clara County District Attorney and Judge James Towery from the county payroll, found divorce files in the offices of Laura Perry that link south county to court corruption that is separating families and trafficking young wealthy women whose parents ended up in the courtrooms of Judge Patricia Lucas, James Towery, Christopher Rudy, Mary Arand, Stuart Scott, Theodore Zayner and Mark Pierce. during their divorce or civil cases involving Silicon Valley start ups and tech businesses. 

The criminal enterprise apparently operates in divorce cases where judges appoint lawyers for children, or to act as private judges. Heather Allan, Rebekah Frye,  BJ Fadem, Jessica Huey, Bradford Baugh, Walter Hammon and Bradford Baugh are the core lawyers working to use domestic violence to separate children from their parents and into the county’s foster care program. 

Once children are in these programs, the county’s local Standing Order allow county employees to order medical procedures and drugs for children without parental consent. 

An audit of family court orders show these judges routinely issue orders for medical treatments, supervised visitation centers  and detention centers where they hold a financial interest. 

Judges currently earn $180- 220,000 in Santa Clara, a fraction of what is needed to live a middle class lifestyle in Silicon  Valley. This pay gap as left judges rip for corruption, kickbacks and sex favors. 

Perry is also linked to gun runners and abusers operating out of Gilroy, Morgan Hill and San Martin.  A couple known as “Heidi and Scott” have reportedly been running guns from barns and outbuildings in Santa Clara’s most rural areas using homeless and mentally ill populations to hide the gun, drug and sex trafficking activity. 

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MILFs Expose Judges & Morgan Hill Lawyer Laura Perry in  Silicon Valley  Guns & Sex Trafficking Ring

Sex Trafficking, Drugs & Guns In Silicon Valley Divorces

Morgan Hill attorney Laura Perry just tied Morgan Hill’s most nefarious MILFs and a  criminal enterprise trafficking teenage girls, guns and designer drugs through the county’s foster care system and local family courts. 

Taxpayers and Victims determined to remove Santa Clara County District Attorney Jeff Rosen and Judge James Towery from the county payroll, found divorce cases linked to the Morgan Hill  office of Laura Perry that tie south county to court corruption that  has resulted in the  separating of  families and trafficking young wealthy women whose parents ended up in the courtrooms of Judge Patricia Lucas, James Towery, Christopher Rudy, Mary Arand, Stuart Scott, Theodore Zayner and Mark Pierce. during their divorce or civil cases connected to  Silicon Valley start ups, real estate  and tech businesses. 

The criminal enterprise apparently operates in divorce cases where judges appoint lawyers for children, or to act as private judges. Heather Allan, Rebekah Frye,  BJ Fadem, Jessica Huey, Richard Roggia, Hector Moreno, Walter Hammon and Bradford Baugh are the core lawyers working to use domestic violence and mental health claims against former spouses that  separate children from their parents and find many of these children fleeing the area, or ending up in the county’s  foster care program. 

Once children are in these programs, a local Standing Order allows county employees to order medical procedures and drugs for children without parental consent. Slowly these kids are placed on dangerous prescription medications where mind altering effect make these children more susceptible to becoming high school dropouts, gang members and run always, or worse, to be picked up into sex, gun and drug trafficking rings where the children easily vanish from their communities and are written off as part of their parent’s nasty divorce cases. 

An audit of Santa Clara County  family court orders show a core group of judges routinely issuing  orders for medical treatments, supervised visitation centers  and detention centers where they hold a financial interest. 

Judges currently earn $180- 220,000 in Santa Clara courts, a fraction of what is needed to live a middle class lifestyle in Silicon  Valley. This pay gap as left judges ripe for corruption, kickbacks and sex favors, many of which are provided through an elaborate network of lawyers, court reporters and bailiffs. 

Perry is also linked to gun runners and abusers operating out of Gilroy, Morgan Hill and San Martin where a  couple known as “Heidi and Scott” have reportedly become known as the South County homewreckers. This couple goes in to troubled marriages through elaborate dating schemes played out on Match.com, Instagram and Facebook. The couple sets out to have affairs with couples in troubled marriages ultimately bringing  in Laura Perry and other area lawyers willing to suck community property into the criminal enterprise that continues to thrive in Silicon Valley. An enterprise  fueled by the most famous names in tech and social media.  

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