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Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Emotional Harm a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause Their Children During Divorce

Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Emotional Harm a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause Their Children During Divorce

Emotional Harm a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause

Narcissistic parents harm their children whether there is a divorce or not. Add divorce to the mix and the narcissist become vindictive, suffers a narcissistic injury and goes full-force vindictive.
It’s almost as if they are hell-bent on making their ex and children pay for the suffering they are experiencing do to the narcissistic injury.

With a lack of insight into their behavior the narcissist is either unable to see the damage they do, or, due to their lack of empathy doesn’t care about the damage they do. If you’re the other parent, I’m sharing insights into their behavior plus personal experiences from my son’s relationship with their narcissistic father.

8 Ways the Narcissistic Parent Can Cause Harm

1. Your Child Won’t Be Heard or Validated

As I’ve said in the video, the narcissist doesn’t consider consequences before acting and if he doesn’t something that hurts your child, he doesn’t consider your child’s voice or opinion. He doesn’t care or take into consideration how his actions impact his children. Only he deserves validation, everyone else will be immediately shut down by him.

2. Your Child Will Learn That Being Real Isn’t Safe

The narcissistic parent defines what is and isn’t real. If your daughter is uncomfortable meeting his new girlfriend, he will dismiss her discomfort and something she is making up because of what she has heard from her Mom. If your son writes an email that is grammatically correct with no spelling errors he will accuse the son of letting Mom write the email. The narcissistic parent deflects what is real to your child onto what is real to him.

3. The Narcissist Will Share Too Much With Your Child

No information is sacred to the narcissistic parent. No child’s emotional state is of importance to the narcissistic parent. If it’s information that can make you look back, it will be shared with their child and the child will be told it’s a secret. “Don’t tell Mom.” This puts the child in the precarious position of having to carry around harmful information and no one to soothe their emotional upheaval.

4. Your Child Won’t Be Emotionally Nourished.

Asking for or expecting emotional nourishment from a narcissist is like asking a 2-year-old to carry on a conversation about quantum physics. They don’t have the emotional IQ to offer other’s emotional nourishment. And, if it is offered, it’s only because the narcissist is in a situation of trying to look good in front of others.

5. Your Child Is Expected To Be There For The Narcissistic Parent

The narcissistic parent won’t be there for the child. My ex goes 6 and 7 years at a time without contacting or seeing his sons. Why? Because he thinks it is their place to contact him. It is their place to be there for him, not the other way around. It’s sick!

6. Your Child’s Needs Won’t Be Met

The narcissistic parent cares about no one’s needs but their own. They will plow right over their own children if it means getting their needs met. They, at no time, put any thought or effort into meeting their children’s needs. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness in your child and it’s imperative that you take up the slack when it comes to meeting their needs.

7. The Narcissistic Parent Will Shame and Humiliate Their Child

If it will make the narcissist feel better about themselves they have no qualms about shaming and humiliating their child in front of others. They will compare your child to others, disparaging the way your child dresses or even looks. This can lead to low self-esteem in your child and I, personally have no problem with you telling your child that their father is sick and twisted and unable to behave like an adult.

8. Your Child May Suffer Mental Health Issues

There is a high probability that exposure to the narcissistic parent will cause PTSD symptoms, depression, anxiety and other mental health issues in your child. My youngest was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder at 17-years-old. After my ex had a session with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist told me this, “That fucking narcissist has nearly destroyed his son’s life.”

Please, at the first sign of distress, get your child into therapy.

Parenting The Child With a Narcissistic Parent

Empathetic Parenting

The narcissistic parent, parents without empathy. They have no ability to feel empathy so it only makes sense they would parent without it. You have to do the opposite and parent with empathy and love.

To maintain a close bond with your children, it is essential for you to focus on being lovingly responsive in your interactions with them. You want to relate well with them, sense what they are feeling, help them put their thoughts and feelings into words, and anticipate their reactions as well as their needs.

Validate Their Feelings

Validating a child means letting them share their thoughts and feelings without judging, criticizing, ridiculing or abandoning them. You let your child feel heard and understood. You convey that you love and accept them no matter what they’re feeling or thinking.

Coach Your Child Through Negative Emotions

Emotion coaching is the practice of talking with children about their feelings and offering kids concrete strategies for coping with emotionally difficult situations.

Get Them Into Therapy

In the video, I advise parents to get their children in therapy at the first sign of distress. If you’re 100 percent sure your are dealing with a narcissistic ex, you may not want to wait until you see signs of distress.

If you can do the 4 things above you have a very good chance of countering the harm the narcissistic parent will do. You have the opportunity to counterbalance and fill up the gaping holes the narcissistic parent will leave in your child’s heart.

The post Divorce Tip Tuesday: The Emotional Harm a Narcissistic Parent Can Cause Their Children During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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children thrive after divorce

Here’s How I Helped My Children Thrive After Divorce

children thrive after divorce

 

After my divorce, the biggest thing I worried about was being able to raise my children after such a traumatic event in their lives. How could I possibly provide a positive and healthy atmosphere for them when I’ve just gone through something that I never saw coming and never intended to happen?

Even though it seemed impossible in the beginning I have now come to a place where I know that just because I have separated from my children’s father doesn’t mean I can’t raise them to be happy and motivated children. My goal is to help other mothers understand that your child can thrive even after divorce.

Here’s How I Helped My Children Thrive After Divorce

I was there for my children and made them a priority.

I wasn’t the only one whose world was turned upside down by my divorce their world was changed drastically as well. I took this into consideration and made sure they knew they were the most important thing to me. I put them first!

I gave my children time to heal and process the divorce.

It’s important that they understand they can express negative feelings and questions to you without feeling censored regardless of how long it takes.

I respected my children’s father.

Although, divorce is due to unresolved issues within the relationship under no circumstance do I speak negatively about my former spouse. Sticking to this principle is crucial because the last thing you want to do is have your child feeling like they are stuck in the middle of being forced to choose sides.

I made sure they had a regular routine and schedule.

Working together with my former spouse as far as creating an effective schedule for our children is what keeps my kids happy. Our children understand we are no longer together but still enjoy seeing us come together for their benefit.

A strong co-parenting relationship can remove the stress from your child’s shoulders when it comes to spending time with you or your spouse. Successful co-parenting also allows us to change our schedules and be flexible without unnecessary tension and arguments.

I assured them that the divorce wasn’t their fault.

Another hard thing that I had to do was to help them to understand my divorce was not their fault. I neglected to do this early on and it wasn’t until they came to me and asked was it their fault that daddy and I couldn’t live together anymore.

It broke my heart that for so long, unknown to me, they were walking around thinking that the divorce was their fault. So I urge all of you to take the time and let your children know that no matter what the situation is there is nothing they did to cause the split.

I don’t introduce new relationship partners to them.

I’m currently not involved with anybody but have had to deal with my former partner’s string of new partners. I think it is important to not introduce new, partners, to your children until the relationship has become serious and has been serious for some time.

Children don’t need to see a revolving door of partners it teaches them lessons that will be harder to undo in the future. And I don’t know about you, but if rather not have to teach my children later on in life that they need to be in a relationship to feel whole or get fulfillment out of life.

And lastly, I respect my children’s boundaries.

Being that they split their time between two places means there are some things they feel more comfortable talking to your former spouse about than you. And you’ve got to be okay with that.

As long as it is not something that can be harmful to them, it’s important to not overstep or breach their privacy. That can cause them to lose trust in not only you but also your communication line. And can end with them closing themselves off to you permanently.

It is harder to improve trust once it has been lost and can set your child up to not trust people in the future. Which can leave them feeling alone and cause a host of issues for them later in life.

I hope that reading my story will help you to get through your journey easier than I did. Remember, children need to feel heard and seen by their parents especially during a time where a life-changing event such as divorce has happened.

The post Here’s How I Helped My Children Thrive After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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adult children of divorce

Holiday Tips For Adult Children Of Divorce

adult children of divorce

 

Every year many adult children of divorce have to make a decision: Should they spend Christmas morning at Dad’s and Christmas afternoon at Moms? Should they spend Thanksgiving Day at both homes so as not to offend either parent? For some, it comes down to avoiding the holidays altogether. It may make more sense for them to plan a trip to a far-off location or to visit a friend’s home.

Most of the adult children of divorce that I know feel that the holidays trigger negative childhood memories, or they may feel stuck in the middle between their parents’ contrasting worlds.

Kendra, a 20-something child of divorce put it like this: “If I’m honest with myself, at the end of each holiday I feel much like I did when I was a kid, split between two houses and trying to make both sides of my family happy.”

For adults who grew up in high-conflict divorced families, the holidays can be an especially challenging time. It can make adults feel like children again, torn between two parents, not wanting to disappoint or hurt either one’s feelings.

Although adults who grew up in divorced homes know they are allowed to choose how they spend their time, they may feel a sense of obligation to spend adequate time with all members of their families, which in many cases is impractical or impossible. In the end, if members of a divorced family feel anxious, let down, or upset about how they spend their holidays, nobody wins.

Holiday Tips for Adult Children of Divorce

1. Change Your Perspective

Even though your parents divorced years ago, the holidays may be a reminder that your family is not the way you would have wanted or imagined it to be. As an adult, it’s important to remember that you can control your thoughts and actions, and you are not the same person as when your parents first split up. Thankfully, neither are they.

When you start feeling anxious about Thanksgiving and Christmas rolling around, it may be comforting to realize that your divorced family hasn’t cornered the market on dysfunction. There are plenty of people who haven’t been touched by divorce but are dealing with equal, if not harder, realities.

Families can be affected by death, disease, addiction, poverty, and a number of other problems. Remembering that you are not alone and that others face challenges far worse than you, can help change your perspective.

2. Learn to Forgive

It’s amazing how even when a divorce is many years behind you, it is an event that can cast a dark shadow if you allow it to do so. Dealing with divorced parents and stepparents as an adult never really becomes “easy.” After a while, it just feels like the new normal.

However, when you make a decision to let go of past hurt and resentment, and when you realize your parents should not be in debt to you for any decisions they may have made, it can be incredibly freeing. The holidays provide an opportunity to put this mindset into practice and to move toward forgiving your parents.

Forgiveness is not about condoning or accepting your parents’ actions, but it can give them less power over you. It can help you accept small and large transgressions and to take them less personally.

Often people equate forgiveness with weakness. But forgiveness can also be seen as a strength because it means you are able to express goodwill toward your parents and others. Studies show that forgiving someone is a way of letting go of your baggage so that you can heal and move on with your life.

3. Create New Traditions This Holiday Season

In learning to handle the holidays, one of the most helpful approaches is to develop your own traditions. For instance, hosting a meal at your home or going to a relative’s or friend’s home is a good alternative. Invite family members to join in and let them know that you are trying out new traditions – they might be delighted to join you.

Although your family is no longer intact, you have a family in a different form. Accept the limitations of your divorced family, and accept that you cannot ask them to be something they are not. Having realistic expectations of the holiday season can help you cope with any disappointments or negative memories from the past.

Most of all, maintain hope in your own life and know that your parents’ choices do not need to be your choices – you can create a new story for your life. Creating new holiday traditions that work for you can help you move on with your life.

This article first appeared on DivorceMag.com

The post Holiday Tips For Adult Children Of Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Adult Children of Divorce and Thanksgiving: The “Giving” Never Ends!

Adult Children of Divorce and Thanksgiving: The “Giving” Never Ends!

I’m not sure why it happens, but I know many grown children of divorce who still feel this way—make each parent happy first, deal with your needs second. And, still, it’s never enough.

The post Adult Children of Divorce and Thanksgiving: The “Giving” Never Ends! appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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new thanksgiving traditions

18 New Thanksgiving Traditions To Create For You and Your Children

new thanksgiving traditions

 

Why not replace some of those old, pre-divorce Thanksgiving traditions with new Thanksgiving traditions?

It only makes sense, especially if thoughts of the traditions you had as an intact family bring up negative emotions.

One of the best and most rewarding things about having kids is introducing them to your favorite traditions. And, building new ones that will turn into their favorites.

Show them that things like divorce and the change that comes with it can be good by building new traditions to carry with your family in the new life you’re building for yourself.

18 New Thanksgiving Traditions to Create With Your Children

Draw Your Thanks

Cover the holiday table with a white tablecloth. Place glasses filled with cloth markers around the table. Ask your children to draw what they’re thankful for or just something fun—like their favorite Thanksgiving memory.

It’s All about the Pumpkins

Place a small pumpkin at each place setting. Around the table, leave small bowls with glitter, markers, stickers, etc. and ask your children to decorate the pumpkins like their favorite Thanksgiving character–a turkey, pilgrim, Plymouth Rock … whatever.

Gather Fall Foliage

Ask children to gather up acorns, pinecones, and other outdoor foliage to make fall wreaths. You can either have these made before people arrive for dinner or make it an art project for everyone to do together while the turkey cooks.

Decorate Everything in Sight

You can find everything, pumpkins (candles, centerpieces, wreaths, etc.) and turkey (chocolate, ones that gobble) at local craft stores like Michael’s. Get everything you can, and decorate each and every room of the house with turkeys and pumpkins—even the bathroom!

Watch the Parade

Before the food and the stretchy pants come out, put on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Everyone can pick out their favorite balloon and float, and you can all marvel at the new giant balloons that appear each year.

Make a Pin-Up

Hang up a large picture of a turkey and play pin the feathers on the turkey. Whoever gets the feather the closest, gets the first helping of turkey or the wishbone to make a wish.

Lend a Hand

Have your children make handprint turkeys. You can put children’s names (and the date) on them and use these as place settings. Keep them after the holiday, and bring them out each year to compare hand sizes.

Save Room for Peanuts

From Thanksgiving to Christmas, there is no shortage of fabulous movies and TV specials to watch. On Thanksgiving, pop on A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. There’s nothing more fun for kids and adults than watching Snoopy and the gang.

Have Game Time

In between courses, bring out old school board games from Monopoly to Scrabble to Candyland and hold a board game tournament. This will give your children plenty of time to digest in between the main meal and dessert.

Toss the Ball 

Besides turkey and pie, nothing says Thanksgiving like football! Grab the pigskin and enjoy the great outdoors while the turkey is cooking. And of course, watching football on TV is a time-honored tradition, too.

Jingle Those Bells

While cooking, blast some holiday music (Yes, it’s OK to start Christmas music already) and have a dance party with your children. They’ll remember those fun times more than the meal!

Make It Your Own

Formal isn’t always better. Our family tradition is that every year we all wear crazy Thanksgiving themed hats … some light up, some make noise, but everyone–even the kids get one. Some look like a turkey, while one is in the shape of a pumpkin pie complete with a dollop of whipped cream. Every year, my children look forward to picking out their funny Thanksgiving hat.

Get Some Air

People tend to eat a lot on Thanksgiving. Why not take a big family walk after dinner but before dessert? Get in some exercise, family time, and unplug from everything.

Write It Down

Instead of just saying out loud what you’re thankful for, have everyone write down what they’re more grateful for. Then you can put it in a big bowl, and people can pull out the slips of paper and then try and guess who wrote each one.

Give Something Back

It is the season to give thanks but also the season to give back. Volunteer as a family at a soup kitchen or sign up to with your children to do Toys for Tots to teach them about the season of giving. Another great idea is to ask your Thanksgiving guests to bring a non-perishable and/or canned good to donate to a local food pantry.

Run for a Cause

Get your Turkey Trot on! Raise money (and get healthy) while participating in a local turkey trot race. And get your kids involved, too!

Remember Loved Ones

Share special memories of those who have passed: stories that make you thankful for your family, both past, present, and future.

Pack Up Some Holiday Cheer

Not everyone is fortunate enough to be with their loved ones during the holiday season. Try putting together boxes for our military men and women to send overseas. Bring some joy to their holiday season.

Most of all, have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

The post 18 New Thanksgiving Traditions To Create For You and Your Children appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Covert Narcissistic Ex Nearly Destroyed Our Children

Maddie’s Story: How My Covert Narcissistic Ex Nearly Destroyed Our Children

Covert Narcissistic Ex Nearly Destroyed Our Children

 

In part one and part two of my story, I discuss how I no longer feel responsible for his behavior and, how I found it so easy to fall in love with him. Today I want to discuss how my covert narcissist destroyed our children.

I guess I should say, nearly destroyed because, thankfully, for them, I was always there to guide them through the damage he did to them. Even with my guidance and love, the damage is there and will last their entire lifetime.

There is nothing more heart wrenching than having no recourse against someone who is doing grave emotional harm to your children. If a stranger had done what their father did, I would have had recourse. But, since it was their father, the family court system turned a blind eye to his behavior.

It started from the beginning, the very beginning before I even knew there would be a divorce.

I’m sharing this information in bullet points in order to keep my thoughts straight and not running together. We’ve been divorced for nearly 2 decades, there is no way I can share the entire story but, these are issues I remember as being the most damaging.

How My Covert Narcissistic Ex Nearly Destroyed Our Children

  • He made the decision to divorce without a discussion with me. One day he was there, the next he was gone. Here is how he told our children before he ever told me. He went to our older son’s school and checked him out of school. He told our son, to not ask him any questions, to get in the car and he would explain after they picked up our younger son. He then went to our younger son’s school and checked him out. Once they were all in the car, the boys in the backseat, he turned, looked at them and said, “Your Mom and I are getting divorced. I’m leaving and never coming home.” Needless to say, our sons became very emotional. They thought they came from a happy home and family. He had just dropped a bomb on them. They begged and pleaded for an explanation, but he refused to look at or respond to their questions and evident distress. He pulled up into the driveway or our home and told them to get out. He left them standing in the driveway, crying with our youngest who was six at the time, writhing on the ground.

 

  • He didn’t see the children for a month after that and when he did, he was only interested in spending time with our youngest. When our oldest son, asked him why he never invited him to visit his father told him, “because I have a deeper bond with your little brother. “I think I love him more than I love you.” I told him he couldn’t take one without taking both, that I would not allow him to ignore the needs of our older son. So, he began visiting with both boys. The problem? Both boys had questions about why he left, why he was doing what he was doing. He refused to answer their questions or allow them to ask questions. He said, “I won’t have my time with you marred by unpleasant conversation.”

 

  • Our oldest eventually stopped going on visitations with him and requested his Dad join him in therapy to work through their “relationship issues.” His Dad refused therapy together but said he would see our son’s therapist on his own when he had time. When asked by our son why he didn’t want to go with him, he responded with, “I don’t owe you anything, not my time, not my feelings, NOTHING.” That’s when our oldest son gave up on his father.

 

  • It’s been 14 years since he’s had a conversation or spent any time with our oldest son. My ex has a DIL and granddaughter that he has never met and, given his actions must not have an interest in meeting. He also has a grown son who is in therapy to deal with the damage done by a father who abandoned him.

 

  • My ex continued to visit with our youngest son. He saw him once a month. No phone calls, email or contact between those once a month visits. Our younger son would email and text him, but he never got a response. He asked his Dad to call on Tuesday nights to help him study for spelling tests. His father refused. He asked his Dad to help him build a car for the Boy Scout’s Pinewood Derby, his father refused.

 

  • Three years after our divorce my ex became seriously involved in a relationship with a woman who had an older daughter. That is when he completely cut off our younger son. He had no communication or face-to-face contact with your youngest or oldest sons for six years.

 

  • When our younger son was 16, he had a psychotic break. He was hospitalized and diagnosed with PTSD and Bi-Polar Disorder. His medical records state “Psychosis due to parental abandonment.” According to the Psychiatrist our son needed his father. The Psychiatrist called my ex and my ex told him that there was nothing he could do to help. That what was going on was my fault, not his. How could it be his fault because he hadn’t seen the kid is six years. The psychiatrist told him that, that was exactly why our son was having issues. My ex hung up on him.

 

  • It’s been another 8 years with no contact from their father. Since the day he left the marriage he has not sent a Christmas gift, Birthday gift, attended a graduation, wedding or acknowledge the important things in their lives.

I’m happy to report that both sons are flourishing. They are stable, ethical men. Both have great careers and one has a lovely family. The majority of their day-to-day lives are lived without thought of their Dad and what he did to them.

They both, however, are in therapy. One is on medication he’ll take for the rest of his life and neither will be rid of the scars left by a covert narcissistic father who discarded them as if they were dirt on his shoes.

The Family Courts and Emotional Abuse of a Child

You can protect your child via the courts if they’re being emotionally abused. You can request a custody evaluation, get a Guardian Ad Litem for them, or a psyche evaluation. There is nothing you can do via the courts to protect a child from abandonment by a father.

Google, “Legally forcing a man to visit his children” and you’ll come up with nothing. I came up with one article that said, “visitation is a privilege, not a legal responsibility?” Since a man who abandons his children isn’t breaking any laws there is no way to hold them legally responsible for the damage done by their abandonment.

That’s why I tell other mothers who are dealing with the damage done by such fathers that it’s up to them to clean up the mess to the best of their ability. It’s up to all us mothers who’ve watched a narcissistic father damage his children to do our best to cushion the damage being done.

We can’t fill the hole left by an absent father. That isn’t within our power. We can let our children know that we are their “ride or die.” We can promote their emotional wellbeing by enlisting friends and relatives to show them love and support.

If you’re lucky you’ve got a brother or father who can step in and take up some of the slack and become surrogate fathers. It still won’t fill that hole left by the father but, there is never too much love and caring given to children who’ve been abandoned.

I was thinking about the Catholic church the other day and how suits can be filed by people who were molested by Priests. My hope is that one day, adults who were abandoned by a parent will have the same right to sue that parent for punitive damages. It won’t make them whole again or undo the damage but, I can think of nothing better than legally punishing a parent who skipped out on their children.

Protect your children, Mamas! You are their lifeline. You are their hope. You are all that stands between them and their narcissistic father.

The post Maddie’s Story: How My Covert Narcissistic Ex Nearly Destroyed Our Children appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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4 Tips to Help Children Enjoy Their Post-Divorce Holidays

4 Tips to Help Children Enjoy Their Post-Divorce Holidays

Let’s work on making holidays better for children of separated or divorced parents.

The post 4 Tips to Help Children Enjoy Their Post-Divorce Holidays appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Elgin parents accused of abuse lose custody of children after doctors misdiagnose infant

Elgin parents accused of abuse lose custody of children after doctors misdiagnose infant

Elgin parents accused of abuse lose custody of children after doctors misdiagnose infant 1

Lorina and Jason Troy had a picture-perfect life. A good job, a beautiful home and two happy boys. But it was all taken from them after several doctors continually misdiagnosed their sick child.

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#MiracelsofFaith

Child Support: How To Reach a Child Maintenance Agreement That Benefits Your Children

Child Support: How To Reach a Child Maintenance Agreement That Benefits Your Children

Although you may not be able to avoid tension during a divorce, your kids are your most important consideration. That’s why it’s vital to arrange a child maintenance agreement.

The post Child Support: How To Reach a Child Maintenance Agreement That Benefits Your Children appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Want to resolve your Texas family law case outside of court? Remember these rules of engagement

What do military parents need to do to ensure their children are cared for prior to deployment?

Originally published by The Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC Blog.

Military parents have a great deal on their minds, both before setting off for deployment and while overseas. If you count yourself among those people who serve in our armed forces I would like to first thank you for making that sacrifice for all us here in southeast Texas. We are indebted to you for your willingness to go above and beyond in protecting our country. The sacrifices that you make are especially difficult if you are a parent.

Today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan is geared towards helping you to know what is recommended for you to take care of prior to your being deployed. Obviously, it will be very difficult for you to focus on anything other than your mission once you are overseas, so it is much wiser to start focusing on these issues now rather than later. Financial, medical and emotional support for your children is essential to their being able to grow up and become positive contributors to our country.

Does your child have a legal father?

This is not the same question as asking whether or not your child has a father. If you are a mother who was not married to your child’s father at the time your child was born, he or she could be lacking a legally recognized father. When two parents are married, there is a legal presumption that when a child is born the mother’s husband is the father to the child. No further action needs to be taken by the couple to have this legally established. However, that presumption does not exist when parents are not married.

If you and the other parent were not married when your child was born you could have completed a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity (AOP) that is your statement under oath that this child is your biological offspring. If you and the child’s father fills out one of these forms and files them with the state, no further action will need to be taken. The father of your child will from that point forward be the legal father of your child. While an AOP may not have been completed, a court order may have been obtained previously that legally recognizes the father of your child.

Or, you could find yourself in a position where fatherhood was not acknowledged voluntarily and you have not yet been to court. Some people in your position find themselves not knowing at all what the situation actually is. Does your child have a legally established father or not? If this sounds like where you are, then you can choose to go one of the two routes I described above. You and your child’s father can voluntarily acknowledge paternity or you can file a paternity lawsuit and have paternity determined through a court case.

Are there orders in place from a court that deals with custody, visitation and child support?

This is another big issue that you need to attend to prior to going overseas. It is likely that you and your child’s other parent will share parental rights and responsibilities. A possession order will determine how much time you will be able to spend with your child and when. With your going overseas it is seven more important that you know what the visitation you will have with your child is going to be like once he returns from overseas. Most parents who have gone through family law cases are joint managing conservators. You can ask a court to have your ex-spouse or child’s other parent to be able to determine the primary residence of your child while you are outside of the country.

Rights and duties relevant to the possession of your child

While most parents in Texas share on a near equal basis in the rights and duties associated with raising their child, one right that is not held equally is the right to determine the primary residence of your children. Either you or your child’s other parent will hold this right individually. The parent who has this right is known as the custodial parent. The other parent is known as the non-custodial parent. The non-custodial parent has their time spelled out in the court orders under a possession order.

An important question to ask yourself is who will be able to have custody of your child while you are deployed overseas. As mentioned a moment ago, you can ask the court to be able to allow the other parent to be able to determine where your child lives while you are away overseas. Likewise, if you are the noncustodial parent to a child then you can ask the court to assign your visitation time with your child to another adult.

What is the parenting plan going to look like while you are deployed?

A court order goes into a great amount of detail regarding a number of different subjects related to you and your child, but it typically will not discuss with much detail what will happen with your child should certain contingencies occur in your lives. There just simply is not enough room to work every hypothetical situation into this document.

What you and your child’s other parent can do is create an agreement/roadmap that will go into the level of detail that you would like. That way there will be no question as to what will happen when you are deployed and are not able to fulfill your duties as a parent when you are shipped overseas.

What about child support? Will your child still be able to receive support even after you are not ln the country. A child support order includes two requirements. The first is that financial support be provided to your child and the second is that medical support will also be provided. If you are the noncustodial parent, then you need to be aware that your net monthly resources will be what is needed in order to determine how much child support you will pay.

It happens on occasion that sometimes parents who are deployed overseas seas is that their income can change- either positively or negatively. If this occurs, you can request a modification of the current court orders to show exactly what degree of an income increase or decrease has occurred. This could be true even if you are the parent of a child who will not be deployed but who raises a child with a person who will be. You can also ask to have a modification of the amount of child support that you receive done.

You may want to see if you can arrange it so a relative of yours has access to your bank accounts while you are overseas. This can come in handy if your child needs someone to help him or she pays for something while you are deployed.

How to get child support set up before you go overseas for deployment

If you and your child’s other parent have never been able to agree upon how much child support should be paid, then it is a good idea to attempt to get this number established by a court prior to your being deployed.

Many parents find themselves in a position where he or she will agree with the other parent on an amount to pay in child support, only to see that other parents increase the amount for seemingly no reason at all. Thus, if you want to avoid the chances of your child’s other parent asking for an increase in child support while you are deployed, it is wise to attempt to get a court order before you even leave the country. Since custody, visitation and other aspects of parenting are also taken care of in a child support case, there are even more reasons to attempt to establish a fixed amount of child support prior to deployment.

Can you designate another person to receive information about the amount of child support that you pay or receive when you are out of the country on deployment?

You are able to designate another person to receive information about your child support case by filling out a form and sending it into your local child support office. You can go to the Office of the Attorney General’s website for more information on this. Likewise, you can also revoke this form when you return from deployment.

What happens if you are already deployed and your child is born?

As far as logistics is concerned, it would be a lot easier for you if your child is born before you are deployed to another country. However, sometimes you cannot control when these things happen. In the event that you are overseas when your child is born and you are not married to the child’s mother, you can still establish paternity via an Acknowledgment of Paternity being completed.

You may not be sure if you are the child’s father. If that is the case you should not sign any paperwork until you can have genetic testing administered. Free DNA testing is offered through the Office of the Attorney General.

If you are beyond the point of establishing paternity, you should do whatever you can to maintain a relationship with your child when you are overseas. Technology has made this task much easier given that phone calls, email, Skype, social media and text messaging are all prevalent. It is true that you will not have as much of an opportunity to take advantage of these methods of communication but you should seek them out when you have the available time. You can have a profound impact on your child even when you are thousands of miles away.

You can also check in with your child’s other parent so you can maintain a sense of decision-making capabilities when it comes to the daily life of your child. School activities, extracurricular events, doctor’s visits, and many other occurrences will go on in your absence. You can feel less homesick and distant from your child by keeping up to date with what is going on in their life as best you can.

What should you do when you get back home from deployment?

You should get in touch with the Office of the Attorney General’ child support division in order to re-establish who is to receive child support on behalf of your child and who can access information about your child now that you are back home.

Noncustodial parents should ask the OAG to review your case if your income has increased or decreased as a result of being deployed. The child support that you pay no longer be correct based on those changed circumstances.

Finally, you should spend as much time with your child as possible. While he or she is likely very happy to have you back home, it may take some time for him or her to adjust to your being home instead of overseas. You can learn about your child’s life and how it has changed. This will help you to make decisions with your child’s other parent about your child’s well-being.

Questions about family law issues in Texas? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan

Do you have any questions about the content in today’s blog post? If so, please do not hesitate to contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. Our licensed family law attorneys offer free of charge consultations six days a week. These consultations are a great opportunity for you to ask questions and receive direct feedback about your particular circumstances.

Our attorneys and staff take a great deal of pride in being able to help the people that live in our community. We practice in all of the family courts of southeast Texas and work every day to help our clients achieve their goals. If you are facing challenging circumstances related to your family, you need to look no further than the Law Office of Bryan Fagan to assist you in whatever capacity you need.

Curated by Texas Bar Today. Follow us on Twitter @texasbartoday.



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