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be more confident

Want To Be More Confident? Then Stop Being Afraid To Piss People Off

be more confident

 

This is the #1 thing you must do to stick up for yourself.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth, friends.

In your journey to be confident and feel better about yourself, you cannot be afraid to step on toes. In other words…

Want to be more confident? Don’t be afraid to piss people off.

Strong women will end up pissing people off. And that’s okay.

Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about pissing folks off in the wanton, sociopathic, “Fatal Attraction” bunny rabbit kind of way.

What I do mean, however, is that from now on, you need to start internalizing that you matter. What you want matters. Your worth matters.

Because here’s the thing. As you recover from your divorce, rebuild your self-esteem, and learn how to set healthy boundaries, there will be many people around you—some may even be close friends or family members–who may not like that you’re voicing your opinion.

If the people who don’t like it, let this year be the year you stick up for yourself. And if they get angry or offended that you’re sticking up for yourself, forget them. Because you don’t need their toxicity anyway.

Let this be the summer you learn to stick up for yourself.

So many of us have been raised to not raise our voice. To just play nicely. To not cause a ruckus. And yeah, when you’re at a funeral or in a theater, those are great guidelines.

However, that social conditioning means that during your marriage, you probably let your spouse always have their way so there wouldn’t be a conflict. Maybe you went along with decisions–even when they didn’t serve you—because you didn’t want a fight or to make him upset.

But doing that for years probably made you resentful, or stole your self-confidence and ability to find your own voice. And this silence may have buried that part of you–the part that had dreams and hopes and goals that were every bit as valid as your partner’s and your children’s.

While it may not seem like it, that part of you is still alive. That part of you deserves to be heard, acknowledge,  and validated.

But you have to do it yourself. It may seem intimidating, but you must speak up for yourself this year. And let people in your life know what you want.

Because, what other choice do you have?

It won’t be easy though, but at the end of the day, at the end of this transition to being divorced and independent in your life, there is one thing that will always be true.

No one will stand up for you but you. But you are all you need.

You’ve mattered all along, although people in your life probably weren’t reminding you of that. Hell, you probably forgot to remind yourself that you mattered. But you must start internalizing this. You must not be afraid to tell the people in your life–the ones who drain you and take advantage of you and don’t appreciate you–to back up, to shape up, or to get the hell out of your face.

You must be your own advocate.

You must be the person in the mirror who tell yourself that you got this.

You must know that it’s time to put yourself first for a change.

And if you need help, for the love of all things holey, ask for help.

Because at the end of the day, you have yourself. And if you do it right, that is all you need.

So, what steps will you take this year to stand up for yourself?

What does finding your voice again look like for you?

The post Want To Be More Confident? Then Stop Being Afraid To Piss People Off appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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feel more confident

Want To Feel More Confident? Stop Apologizing!

feel more confident

 

Ever been in a situation like this before?

You don’t pick up the phone in time and when you call the person back, the first words out of your mouth are “I’m sorry.”

You bring store-bought cupcakes to your friend’s party and you utter “I’m sorry.”

You vent to a good friend about something going on, and you say, “Sorry for rambling.”

Notice the pattern going on?

You’re apologizing. Way too much. And it’s those apologies that are impeding your divorce recovery.

Want To Feel More Confident? Stop Apologizing!

Uncomfortable Truth #1: We’re raised to be people-pleasers.

We are natural caregivers. From an early age, you were most likely following your mother around, hoping to help her out, or taking care of your younger siblings. Or, you may have had a parent say to you at one time, “I need you to watch your brother/sister and make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

And what did you do? Well, in order to make your mom “proud” of you, you most likely did everything you could to please her. And that mentality probably stuck. You probably worked hard to get good grades to get your parents’ and your teachers’ approval. Because you didn’t want to disappoint them.

That mentality carried over into adulthood. You did everything to be a good partner and a good mother because you didn’t want to disappoint anybody. Society put unrealistic expectations on you to be a Stepford Wife. You were given a choice to either give up your career to be a stay-at-home mom, never getting paid or recognized for all the work you were doing, or to have a career, where you were still expected to do most of the household and child-rearing work.

And the only way to avoid disappointing others, and to shield yourself from conflict, was to say “I’m sorry.”

Even when it wasn’t your fault. Or didn’t warrant an apology.

Uncomfortable Truth #2: We were never taught to put ourselves first

Can you think of any time when you were growing up that your mom, or dad, or teacher, or some other adult close to you sat you down, and said, “Your dreams and goals matter just as much as anybody else’s. Let your voice be heard.

Instead, you were probably raised to be obedient and to not make a scene. Which is why, when we get divorced, we feel this crazy unnecessary guilt.

Oh, what a shame! You two have been married for so long!

Can’t you find a way to work it out? Your retirement will be so much harder now!

Ever find yourself saying “I’m sorry” as a response? To keep the peace?

Well, what about your feelings? And your happiness?

If you’re not sure where to even begin with being happy and not paralyzed by guilt, there’s one thing you must do.

Put yourself first for a change.

Here’s what you need to know.

There are dangers to saying “I’m Sorry.”

Danger 1: Frivolous apologizing = a signal that people can take advantage of you.

The reflexive apology you say sends the signal to that other person that you’re:

  • Willing to accept the blame for something you didn’t do
  • Sending them an invitation to wrong your or disrespect you again, because they don’t have to be held accountable to their actions.

Danger 2: Constantly apologizing makes it harder to stand up for yourself.

Even when you’re in a benign situation where you think you’re expressing regret, and you’re not saying “sorry” to keep the peace, there’s still an underlying danger.

Danger 3: Apologizing puts somebody else’s pain on you.

A simple “I’m sorry” may make you feel like you’re making a situation better, but what you’re actually doing is taking that person’s pain and shouldering it for them. That’s not helpful for anyone in that situation, and there are other ways to express support than just apologizing.

Alternatives to “I’m sorry.”

These alternative phrases do double duty in the best way possible. First, they convey empathy for another person without shouldering their pain. And second, they reinforce your boundaries without giving them up in the name of diffusing conflict or placating someone.

If your ex, your current partner, or a friend says they’re angry at something.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: Are you upset at something? Let’s discuss it.

When someone is having a hard time.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: This sucks that you’re going through this hard time. Please know that I’m here if you need anything.

You’re 15 minutes late to a meeting.

Instead of: Sorry I’m so late.

Say Instead: Thanks for your patience.

If there is a miscommunication between you and someone.

Instead of: I’m sorry for bothering you.

Say: There seems to be a communication issue here. What can we do to get this back on track?

If you bump into someone or are trying to get through a crowd.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: Excuse me. I need to get through.

See how that works? You’re acknowledging empathy, but not at the expense of your well-being. Plus, you’re asserting your own needs and internalizing that you matter.

It can be challenging to shake off years of social conditioning. But at the end of the day, remember that you are not responsible for pleasing everybody, especially when it comes at the expense of them disrespecting you and taking advantage of you.

As you recover from divorce, remember that you matter and that you can express sympathy in ways that are authentic that continue to build you up, not tear you down.

So, how about you?

Do you apologize too much, especially when you don’t need to?

What can you say instead of “I’m sorry” next time?

The post Want To Feel More Confident? Stop Apologizing! appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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