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How A Narcissist’s Mind Operates During A Crisis (Watch For The Hoover!)

How A Narcissist’s Mind Operates During A Crisis (Watch For The Hoover!)

 

My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with a narcissist during this pandemic, and that’s why I passionately wanted to reach out to you with this topic today!

Narcissists need a regular hit of narcissistic supply, so what happens when the narcissist can’t go about narcissistic business as usual because of uncontrollable events?

In this episode, I explain to you how self-isolation and job loss can impact their minds and affect co-parenting. Plus, how to protect yourself from nasty hoovering tactics that can impact you and your children.

 

 

Video Transcript

I’m not sure whether you realise by now that most of a narcissist’s energy is focused on how to get narcissistic supply.

So, what happens when the narcissist can’t go about narcissistic business as usual because of uncontrollable events?

Such things as a global crisis for example?

Sadly, many of you are experiencing exactly what happens in times like these.

Which is what I’m going to talk about in today’s Thriver TV episode.

But, before I get started, I’d like to thank all of you who are supporting the Thriver Mission and the real truth that we can heal for real from narcissistic abuse, as a result of subscribing to my channel.

And, I’d like to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed, please do so that you can help spread the word.

Alright, so let’s get going on today’s episode.

 

The Inner Gnawing Trauma

There are some people who find it difficult to spend time alone without distractions. This is always for the same reason, because of the difficulty to find peace with one’s Inner Being.

Narcissists take this discomfort to an extreme. The reason why is because their inner True Self has been discarded by the narcissist. They believe that this Inner Identity is not sufficient to cope in life. This is why there has been the construction and activation of a False Self in its place.

This False Self is always hungry. The narcissist needs the regular hit of narcissistic supply – which means the attention (good or bad it makes no difference) from outside forces to be able to bolster the narcissist’s feelings of personal significance.

The problem is this is a never-ending requirement. Because there is no True Self at the helm, the narcissist is snapped off from being able to source his or her good feelings directly through Life-Force/Source /Consciousness, in other words, his or her Higher Self.

Therefore, real and lasting feelings of peace, wholeness and well-being are impossible.

Because of this, the narcissist’s inner self-annihilating critic is always threatening to emerge, with the feedback that reminds the narcissist just how inadequate, broken, defective and unacceptable he or she is.

Narcissistic supply is the drug that the narcissist frenetically hunts and feeds on to numb out and escape the truth about him or herself. This is a relentless lifetime pursuit for a narcissist.

As we are about to examine, this situation with COVID-19 makes the obtaining of narcissistic supply extremely difficult.

 

What Self-Isolation Means to a Narcissist

Being unable to be out in the world garnishing narcissistic supply is a narcissist’s worst nightmare.

In lockdown, not only is narcissistic supply harder to come by, it also means that the narcissist is being “told what to do”.

Narcissists hate being pinned down. They hate having to follow rules and regulations, in a way that goes way over and above the normal feelings that self-isolation might bring up for people.

Narcissists believe that they are a law unto themselves, above reproach, and not answerable to anybody. To go along with the requirements for the rest of the world means that they would become just like everybody else.

This is unthinkable for a narcissist.

So, what does this time of COVID-19 amount to for a narcissist?

This …

A narcissist being HORRIBLE. He or she will be suffering horrific narcissistic injuries and narcissistic supply withdrawals constantly.

What does this mean for you?

It means that the narcissist is likely to lash out, in nasty or manipulative ways that are focused on one of two possible agendas – securing much-needed narcissistic supply, or/and spewing the viciousness of their inner-annihilating wounds all over you.

Some of you may have thought, now that this person can’t just run off and do whatever they want to do, that this would bring you closer. However, I can assure you that self-isolation with a narcissist is certainly not the “togetherness” or “team-work” that you would hope.

 

If You Are Co-parenting with a Narcissist

During this time of coronavirus, many of you have reported extremely frustrating struggles with the narcissist.

Of course, you are feeling triggered about whether this person is self-isolating or doing the right thing by your child.

The answer is, they probably aren’t.

This is where you need to go back to the absolute truth of how to deal with a narcissist.

The more that you try to get the narcissist to do the right thing, the more the narcissist will do the wrong thing – simply because it extracts so much narcissistic supply (attention) from you.

You know I say the same thing always, and currently, it is more important than ever – I can’t recommend enough that you detach, keep releasing the trauma that you’re feeling that is being activated within you and do everything in your power to be a whole, safe and healthy parent when you have your child with you.

This is only possible when you can release those feelings of being so disturbed and triggered. Additionally, what you will find is that the narcissist will desist from a lot of the behaviour and ways that he or she has been hurting you and your child when they receive zero narcissistic supply from you.

That’s the thing about narcissists, the energy expended to get narcissistic supply means that there must be a payoff to continue it. If there isn’t a payoff, then the narcissist will focus on getting narcissistic supply from somewhere else.

As many of you have discovered, my NARP Program is a powerful and effective way to reach this level of detachment.

 

A Time of Intense Hoovering

Absolutely, narcissists stuck with being with themselves, without the drama, distractions and frenetic energy of the world, are very low on narcissistic supply.

However, we know with technology being what it is, they are very capable of reaching out to people, past and present, to try to hook them up for an energetic feed again.

It’s so important, that if you are done with a narcissist and are focused on your own healing, that you block him or her. Don’t allow a hoover to get through to you.

If any communication is necessary, such as in the case of a property settlement or joint custody, then set up third party contact such as through a solicitor, or the wonderful Parallel Parenting tool Our Family Wizard.

These steps allow you to have strong boundaries around yourself, soul and life. Which means, “I am no longer available as your snack when you are in need of a feed!”

Being hoovered by a narcissist is no compliment!

To the narcissist you are a mere object, there to give the terribly insecure ego a hit to help grant the narcissist significance.  This comes at a terrible price to you. Because you are being used, there is no genuine care for you, remorse for what happened, or intention to grant you healthy or happy behaviour in the future.

You are only necessary to them so that they can siphon you out for their False Self’s energy needs, and then when that is done you are just as likely to be discarded and thrown in the gutter as you were last time.

It’s so important to understand this so that you don’t go there.

 

If the Narcissist Lost Their Job

It is likely you will be blamed, or the narcissist will play on your heartstrings to get you to financially support them. Or just simply guilt you or demand that you do.

Or, the narcissist will jump ship onto a better deal that will provide what the narcissist needs to buffer up their False Self again.

It is not likely that you will be dealing with a stable, calm, resourceful, adaptable person who takes personal responsibility for their life.

 

Shoring Yourself Up Against a Narcissist in Crisis

My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with a narcissist during this pandemic. I know that the suffering that you are going through is indescribable.

But yet, this is a huge opportunity to up-level, even as hard as it may seem to do so.

It’s so true, in times of calamity, that we have the grist and impetus to go for our greatest growth. Because we need to!

I know that there are many of you in this amazing community who have really knuckled down into your deep inner work and are emerging stronger and stronger against narcissists as a result of this.

In many cases, this is despite everything that the narcissist is trying to throw at you.

I am so proud of you!

For those of you who don’t yet know how this is possible, and can’t even imagine getting there, I promise you with all my heart that it is possible and you can achieve this.

And, I am completely dedicated to helping you achieve this.

To help you do this, I am opening up another Free Masterclass, which I know is really needed at this time.

It is on April 29th. In this special event, I share with you real processes to get relief, take your power back and break the binds from any narcissist in your life, regardless of how much they’ve hurt or damaged you.

Even despite the predicament that you may be in right now.

Please know that if you can’t make this event live, you will receive a recording as a result of signing up, which you can watch and listen to at a time that suits you, in the comfort of your own home.

Again, this event is completely free, and I know how much it can help you.

I can’t wait to join you in it.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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How my Divorce Prepared me for The COVID-19 Crisis

How my Divorce Prepared me for The COVID-19 Crisis

A crisis is an opportunity to dig beneath the surface and heal what is beyond the cracks.

The post How my Divorce Prepared me for The COVID-19 Crisis appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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12 Tips for Staying Centered And Calm During The COVID-19 Crisis

12 Tips for Staying Centered And Calm During The COVID-19 Crisis

If you follow these 12 tips, you will feel more calm, focused, and aligned. With kindness, flexibility, and mindfulness, we can get through this!

The post 12 Tips for Staying Centered And Calm During The COVID-19 Crisis appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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divorce prepared me for a crisis

How Divorce Prepared Me For a Crisis

divorce prepared me for a crisis

 

We don’t always see the lessons when we are knee-deep in a crisis, our only thought is, “How do I survive this storm?”

I write a lot about the storm. I’m no stranger to its devastation, and if you’ve been through a divorce, neither are you.

The Coronavirus has brought the crisis to every single home around the globe. I can’t remember any other time during my life where we were all forced to pay attention at the same time and learn how to adjust at rapid speeds.

In light of COVID-19, the brilliant author, speaker, and leader John C. Maxwell has been offering a free virtual summit on Facebook. I love his definition for the word crisis, “An intense time of difficulty requiring a decision that will be a turning point.”

Wow! This definition brought me way back to the end of my 19-year relationship…” An intense time of difficulty requiring a decision that will be a turning point.” My decision to leave my marriage was one of the most challenging decisions I have ever had to make, and it was a significant turning point in my life and the lives of my family.

When I was knee-deep in “the crisis,” it felt as if I was in total darkness, complete isolation. Talk about “social distancing.” Hundreds of people could have surrounded me, yet still, I had never felt more alone. I was in an energetic lockdown. I didn’t realize that the darkness was the pathway to my healing just yet.

The caterpillar does this so perfectly when it spins itself a cocoon before it radically transforms into a brilliant butterfly. It’s a painful process that happens without help from the outside world, but even the caterpillar has no idea what’s to come.

Amid crisis is a time to reflect, to journey within, and to sit in stillness. The stillness is where your truth lives. Collectively we are so uncomfortable with being still, which is why so many of us are going stir crazy right now. I think we feel that if we sit for too long, we may not like the feelings that flood to the surface, so we distract in the many other things that help us escape our reality.

What do you think happens when we suppress our emotions and aren’t living in our truth? It becomes a toxic environment, and that toxicity metastasizes in our body. I know, at the end of my marriage was when it showed up the most for me. It showed up as depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, and cystic acne, to name a few.

John C Maxwell also said, “Crisis reveals what is already in us.” I challenge you to look at what this time is revealing to you. What is coming to the surface is what is already below the surface. Is it fear, anxiety, depression, lack, feelings of being in this alone?

How Divorce Prepared Me for a Crisis

Einstein said, “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” ‘In the middle’ is where the magic happens. In the middle is an opportunity for decision and massive action, because you are no longer going to let another day go by living a life that isn’t fulfilling you. Change happens in the cocoon, in the middle, so embrace the uncertainty.

You see, a crisis is an opportunity to dig beneath the surface and heal what is beyond the cracks. Divorce allowed me to rebuild a life on a solid foundation and not on quicksand. Quicksand will never withstand a storm.

Divorce forced me to look at my truth, the truth of who I was and who I wanted to be. In the cocoon was when I realized I was living a life that wasn’t my own, that I had neglected my spirit to make everyone else happy. I would have never lived my purpose had I not embrace the unknowing, had I not been so uncomfortable living one more day in suffering.

Divorce will not be the last crisis I face, and neither will the Coronavirus be. A crisis is part of our humanness; it’s unavoidable. I leave you with the words of Roger Crawford, “Being challenged in life is inevitable; being defeated is optional.” Do not let this defeat you, find the many lessons, and get ready to RISE.

If you would like to get on a call and take advantage of a complimentary session please reach out to me using this link below:

Reach out to Marisa now!

I would love to hear from you!

The post How Divorce Prepared Me For a Crisis appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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calm during covid19 crisis

How To Stay Centered And Calm During The Covid19 Crisis

calm during covid19 crisis

 

The recent outbreak of COVID-19, commonly known as “the coronavirus,” is changing things rapidly. Many people are adjusting to working from home unexpectedly. The virus is hitting some harder than others, with some people losing their income.

As you’re adjusting to this, it may feel like it’s turning your world upside down. You may be struggling to figure out new technology, adjusting to having kids running around, and overwhelmed by the news on social media.

While this feels confusing, scary, and overwhelming, it doesn’t need to be. I am a psychotherapist and coach who specializes in helping college students and young professionals overcome stress and anxiety so they can live better lives.

Helping people through stressful times is what I love doing most. With the proper mindset, you can stay calm and focused during this time.

12 Tips for Staying Centered And Calm During The Covid19 Crisis

1. Stay informed by consulting quality resources

Aim to get your information from quality sources like the CDC. Take the recommendations seriously, and then rest assured that you’re doing your part.

2. Practice mindfulness and breathe

When you notice your thoughts spiraling into worry about the future, even when you’ve done what you can, recognize that this won’t help the present. Notice your worry and bring your awareness back to the present moment. Take deep breaths into your belly. This helps calm your nervous system down.

3. Focus on what’s within your control

The events of the world are not within your personal control. You can, however, control how you manage your time, how you respond to stress, and how adaptive you are to changing times. This gives you a sense of hope and resiliency. Keep asking yourself: “what CAN I do?” After you’ve done what you can, let the rest go.

4. Limit news-checking

Keeping up with the news is helpful and necessary, to a point. But set some boundaries for yourself if you find you’re checking too much COVID-19 (Coronavirus) news and it’s stressing you out (for example, catching up 2 times a day instead of 10).

5. Become friends with change

Big changes such as working from home, homeschooling, or canceling social plans can feel overwhelming. Reduce overwhelm by taking things one step at a time. Reframe the change as an exciting and new challenge to overcome, and not an overwhelming one.

6. Rearrange your schedule

If you’re shifting to working from home, it might be tempting to sleep in, work late, or spend the middle of the day playing with your dog. But as someone who has worked from home, I know the importance of organization and self-discipline. Plan out your day in advance. Waking up at the same time and working set hours can keep you on track. Use apps like Google Calendar, Trello, and Asana to schedule your time and keep track of your to-dos.

7. Rethink your exercise routine

If you’re used to attending classes at the yoga studio or gym, you may feel like you “can’t exercise” if your favorite workout spot is closed. However, there are many options available from home or outside. Check to see if your favorite yoga instructors are offering online classes, pump up your bike tires, go on a walk, or learn how to use free weights at home. With creativity, you can stay fit and healthy (which is especially important while the virus is circulating).

8. Use any extra time to refocus and realign

Quarter 1 is almost over! Use any extra time you have to assess how the first quarter went. Make sure you’re on track with your resolutions, recommit to your goals, create new strategies, and optimize your workflow. The key here is to focus on what you CAN do, and not on what you can’t.

9. Journal about your emotions

It’s okay to be upset, afraid, or emotional about COVID-19 (Coronavirus) outbreak. Research has shown immensely positive benefits to journaling about your emotions. Sit down for 20-30 minutes and let it out on the page.

10. Try new activities

Now is the perfect time to pin new recipes to your pinboard, try out some DIY projects, read new books, or take online classes. You can also do some spring cleaning or post old clothing items online. If you see the change is exciting, you may actually be grateful for this time!

11. Be supportive and kind

Times like these can make us more selfish and scared, or they can make us feel more generous and kind. Many people are suffering economically. If you are one of the people who has been less financially impacted, consider supporting small businesses or economically disadvantaged families who have been hit hardest. Even if you can’t contribute financially, a kind word goes a long way.

12. Don’t be afraid to ask for help

If you’re still overwhelmed, seek the help of a coach who can help you manage your schedule and build resilience, or a qualified therapist who can help you manage intense feelings of anxiety, panic, and fear.

If you follow these 12 tips, you will feel more calm, focused, and aligned. With kindness, flexibility, and mindfulness, we can get through this!

 

The post How To Stay Centered And Calm During The Covid19 Crisis appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Custody in a Time of Crisis: Custody and COVID-19

Custody in a Time of Crisis: Custody and COVID-19

When you’re a divorced parent, being separated from your child when your former spouse takes custody is difficult enough. But doing it during a pandemic can be downright unbearable.

The post Custody in a Time of Crisis: Custody and COVID-19 appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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co-parenting during coronavirus

Co-Parenting During The Coronavirus Crisis

co-parenting during coronavirus

 

During this unprecedented time of the Coronavirus and quarantines, many co-parents are finding themselves in un-charted territory with regards to their parenting plan and whether and how they should carry it out.

Here are some helpful hints for co-parenting during the coronavirus crisis:

Be open, communicative, creative and flexible!

This is a time like no other, so we need to be open, we need to be flexible, and we need to get creative and think outside the box.

If you have a parenting plan that is requiring something that can’t be done (or can’t be done safely at this time, like air travel), get creative. But first, communicate!

Reach out to the other parent and brainstorm. Can the visit be delayed, or time added onto the next visit? Can you do virtual visits with Zoom, Facetime or Skype where the kids can eat a meal, play a game or just chat with the other parent?

If you have a parenting plan that can be carried out, but you question the safety, communicate your fears. Research suggests that the Coronavirus is not generally dangerous for children, but reach out to your pediatrician if you are unsure or if your child has immune compromising factors and then discuss with your parenting partner.

Once again, communicate, be flexible and get creative!

If it is not advised to make frequent visits, perhaps the visit duration is lengthened, and the frequency is lessened. Or maybe you do a mix of virtual and in person visits, or meet in a safe outdoor space to go hiking, play soccer or be in nature together.

Do not operate out of fear

There is a huge amount of panic and fear surrounding this situation, which is bringing up deeply buried fear from past circumstances and triggering internal and external defense mechanisms of all kinds. Notice the space you are operating and making decisions from. If you are operating out of fear, take a break to process your feelings before you move forward with decision making or discussing with your co-parent.

Take several deep breaths and re-center, releasing all of the fear you may have taken on from the media or others around you. Breathe through any personal fears that you have. Notice what fear or feelings are coming up for you that may not be related to the current issue. Be with all of your feelings and allow them to move through your body. Once you are more centered, make decisions from a grounded, clear space.

What can we do to help our children cope with missed visits?

Be honest with them about what is happening. Let them know that Mom or Dad really wants to see them, but it isn’t safe right now, so you will do whatever you can to find ways for them to connect (see above with virtual visits, outdoor meetups, etc.) and then do it.

Find ways for your child to connect with them even if they can’t connect in real life. You can help them create a card, letter or other work of art to send in the mail, write a song or a poem, or teach them how to connect energetically.  This can be done through an imaginary hug, a special prayer, or a dream meet-up where as they fall asleep they think of a place they want to meet their Mom, Dad or other loved one in their dream, and what they want to do together. We often use the beach or Disneyland for our dream meet-ups! They can also have imaginary visits where you would ask what they would want to do and what they would want to say to their other parent if they were there.

Keeping communication open and finding ways to connect helps your kiddo feel like the other parent is being included and is top of mind even though they can’t be together and it will help them feel more secure.

What if we don’t agree?

If you and your co-parent cannot agree, or you do not have a co-parent who is willing to be flexible and creative with you, do what you can on your side. If you have a written parenting plan as part of a divorce or other legal agreement, you will need to make reasonable efforts to carry it out if they are demanding that you do so.

Try to engage help in the form of a family counselor, pastor, mediator or co-parenting coach if you need help trying to reach an amended agreement for the short term.

And remember, as Wayne Dyer said, “Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” Don’t engage in anything other than a peaceful, direct discussion and process through any emotions or triggers on your side that come up as a result of something your co-parent is saying or doing.

The only thing you can ever control is yourself and how you react to others. In this time of fear and frenzy, don’t make it worse by adding to it.

Please Note: This should not be considered legal or medical advice. Please contact your attorney for guidance on required visits and your doctor for any medical questions regarding the safety of visits.

The post Co-Parenting During The Coronavirus Crisis appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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finding yourself after divorce

Suffering An Identity Crisis? How To Find Yourself After Divorce

finding yourself after divorce

With a little imagination and some self-love as a foundation, divorce can be the gateway to living your best life and find your self after divorce.

 

When I had my children all those years ago, I was shocked to learn some hard truths about pregnancy, birth, and motherhood.

Some of the surprising facts no-one thought to tell me about include: there are consequences to natural vaginal deliveries, you can still look five months pregnant after giving birth, having children can lead to marital discontent, and the biggest shock of them all, many women lose themselves in motherhood.

Although it’s not widely discussed, identity loss is a real and devastating side effect of raising children.

I for one was secretly harboring a depressed state of low self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth, behind a calm and collected façade. It took a divorce for me to recognize this truth and eventually restore my sense of self. And now, as a Life Coach to moms, and a friend to many women with children, “motherhood, as an identity theft”, is an issue I see emerging again, and again.

Most recently I came across an interview featuring actress, Jada Pinkett-Smith, who bravely revealed that motherhood had caused her to “lose her groove”. Even as a star, in the throes of raising her children, she too found herself asking “Oh my gosh, where did I go?”.

It does seem to happen that way. You throw everything into raising your children, helping them build their own identities that you lose sight of your own. You wake up one day and realize you’re a distant shadow of the person you once were.

So, here I share my personal story about how I was able to piece together my identity and how you can do the same. 

Art has always been my passion. I’ve loved art since I was a kid.

The most memorable picture I created was that of a bird. An Eastern Rosella, with its fluorescent yellows, bright greens, and deep hues of red and blue. This drawing, at the age of 10, ignited my love for creating beautiful things.

As I got older, I continued to dabble in small pieces of art, mostly paintings I gave to family and friends. But as life got busier with the need to work and the arrival of children, art became something that I only did with my kids. Whilst I focused on helping my children build their creative muscles, my own desire for personal expression was put on hold.

It wasn’t until more than a decade later, during the early stages of my separation, that I reconnected with this part of me.

In the quest to “find myself”, I decided to take up painting lessons under the guise of an accomplished artist. I created artwork that I was proud of and felt myself come alive. As I left the studio each day with paint on my hands and clothes, I also wore a permanent smile on my face that I just couldn’t wash off.

But sadly, financial constraints and altered childcare arrangements meant that I could no longer continue the classes. What started as the equivalent of writer’s block for an aspiring painter.

I lost my inspiration and flow.

Everything I did outside of those classes, felt below par.

Frustration started to build as I was no longer enjoying the process. I bought into the ideals of our productivity-obsessed culture. The guilt of wasting time and money on fruitless activity weighed heavily on me. I felt a need to make my works of art “saleable”.

To that end, I continued with my mission to create big pieces of art. I was stuck on the notion that “large paintings made a bigger impact”. Consequently, I started focusing too much on the end result. I lost sight of why I was painting in the first place – for the love of creating beautiful things.

One after another, half-finished paintings piled up into the corner of a room. Nothing was good enough. It was only a matter of time before I gave up.

Several seasons passed by before I found myself contemplating art again. I moved into a new house and came across my old, boxed up, paints and brushes. So, I decided to give it another go. This time I would ease myself back into painting and only paint for leisure.

Like reacquainting with an old friend, I started to relive the joys of painting again. I chose to do something for myself and it felt great.

From there I started finding more opportunities to do more of what I loved. With each act of self-love, I continued to discover other parts of me that I had left behind or long forgotten.

A beautiful quote by a soulful writer, Beau Taplin, comes to mind, which I believe rings true: “Self-love is an ocean and your heart a vessel. Make it full and any excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. But you must come first.”

As self-indulgent as it may seem, doing things that bring joy to your heart during divorce is not a self-fish act.

When you do things to look after and love yourself, you become the best version of yourself. Only then, can you give your children all of you and more.

So, what is it that you love or would love to do?

Were there things you wanted to do while married, but couldn’t for some reason (e.g. learn a new hobby, spend more time with family and friends, volunteer, bungee jump, etc.)?

Instead of making excuses about why you can’t do those things, research, make time, plan, find support to care for the kids, and do those things.

If money is a factor then that’s an opportunity to be creative. Brainstorm ways you in which you can engage in similar activities that will bring you joy.

In my case, I traded in big expensive canvases for small sheets of watercolor paper. I also swapped acrylics and oils to watercolor paint. Not only did this make painting more affordable, but less messy too.

Another example is my substitute for a trip to a Day Spa. A full afternoon of professional pampering may be out of reach, but soaking in a hot bath (uninterrupted), donning a face mask, with added bath salts, a good book, and a cup of tea, can make a world of difference to the hamster wheel of life.

There’s also plenty of resources and ideas online that show you how to make pampering products with ingredients straight from the pantry. Who knows, you could enjoy the DIY process more than the pampering session itself.

The possibilities are endless!

You, resilient mom, can now make your own decisions, try new things, make new friends, and eventually find someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

With a little imagination and some self-love as a foundation, divorce can be the gateway to living your best life and finding your best self.

The post Suffering An Identity Crisis? How To Find Yourself After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis

7 Signs Your Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis

Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis

 

Midlife crisis is an emotionally uncomfortable period that some men and women go through between the age of 35 and 65. For most, it is a time of question priorities and adjusting their lifestyle to fit better with their emotional needs.

For others, midlife can bring about a true “crisis,” one that causes them to stray outside the marriage for the affections and attention of a member of the opposite sex. They can question every choice they’ve made during the first half of their life. It is these folks who usually destroy their families and seem to completely change their character and belief system.

Signs Your Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis

Feeling a Need for Adventure and Change

He goes out and buys a new sports car or Harley. She becomes a bar-fly who comes in at 3:00 am every morning. It’s all about having fun and re-capturing their youth. If your spouse is neglecting things that were once important to him/her in favor of skydiving…something they have never expressed an interest in, they are probably experiencing a midlife crisis.

You have choices in such a situation. Skydiving and hanging out in biker bars is better than sitting home alone wondering what your spouse is up to. Participating a bit in their new found need for adventure can bring you closer together instead of creating the distance that can cause the midlife crisis spouse to start questioning whether or not to stay in the marriage.

Feelings of Depression

Some who go through a midlife crisis will experience depression that affects their mood and to the point that activities and relationships are negatively affected. Friends, family, and work may all be neglected. If you think your spouse is suffering from depression watch for the following symptoms:

  • Sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, pessimism
  • Loss of interest in once enjoyable activities
  • Lack of energy
  • Inability to focus or make decisions
  • Unusual sleep patterns
  • Unusual appetite, weight loss or gain

A Loss of Interest in Things That Used to be Important

I received a letter from Jason who was concerned about changes he was seeing in his wife. After 23 years in a career as a nurse, she quit her job. According to Jason, she wanted to go back to school full-time and major in philosophy. His wife had gone for a “straight-laced   Christian” to a woman who questioned whether or not there was a God.

Jason said he no longer knew the woman he had been married to for 18 years and was concerned she might be going through a midlife crisis. One thing is sure, she is questioning her values and beliefs and no one knows where these questions will lead her.

Anger and Blame of The Spouse

You are the problem! If it weren’t for you, life would be grand for the midlife crisis spouse. If he trips on a banana peel at work, you will get blamed. The spouse who is in a midlife crisis never looks internally and examines why he/she is feeling discontent.

They look outward and blame others and since you are the main relationship in their life it makes sense that you will bare most of the blame for their bad feelings. Expect your spouse to be short tempered and angry. Do not respond when your buttons are pushed. A response is what they want and you don’t want to play into their need for conflict.

Unable to Make Decisions About Their Future

Joan’s husband found a new woman and wanted a divorce. He refused to file for divorce, though. He left Joan telling her that he had never been in love with her, that marrying her had been a mistake. Joan was devastated!

Over a period of eighteen months, Joan’s husband changed his mind about his feelings for Joan on a regular basis. He would pack his bags and leave out the door spewing verbal abuse. A month later he would call in tears wanting to come home. Before long he was out the door again and moving back in with the other woman.

Joan eventually filed for a divorce and helped him make the decision he seemed unable to make. They are both now living with the painful consequences of his indecision.

Doubt Over The Choice to Marry

You may have just celebrated your 29th anniversary. You may have lived with a spouse who, from all outward appearances, seemed to have been happy in the marriage. It isn’t uncommon for a husband or wife who has never complained about being married to suddenly tell you that they have “lived in hell” from the very beginning.

The spouse in midlife crisis will question whether the marriage was ever legitimate. They will demonize you, accuse you of forcing them into marriage all in an attempt to make the marriage illegitimate. You will be painted as the evil spouse who never met their emotional or physical needs so the midlife crisis spouse can justify their feelings of discomfort with the marriage. If this is the case in your situation you should believe nothing you are told and very little of what you see.

A Desire For a New and More Passionate Intimate Relationship

The husband/wife who is going through a midlife crisis may become tired of the “same old, same old” in the bedroom. It isn’t uncommon for someone married to a spouse who is going through a midlife crisis to suffer the negative consequences of their infidelity.

If your spouse is spending more time in chat lines on the computer, working strange hours or on his/her cell phone more than usual you are seeing signs of a cheating spouse. These are only signs but coupled with the other symptoms of midlife crisis you should consider the possibility that your spouse has found someone to fulfill the need for a more passionate, intimate relationship.

The post 7 Signs Your Spouse Is Suffering a Midlife Crisis appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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