Toxic relationships are mind-bending. They go around and around in the same disastrous circles – without resolution.
Chances are you have experienced this – or are still suffering the anguish of trying to change, survive and fix these patterns that just don’t seem to stop.
How can you get clarity and direction and UP and OUT of toxic relationships for real?
When CAN a toxic relationship transform into a healthy one – and HOW can we make that happen?
Find out WHAT is necessary to end the patterns of toxic relationships in our lives, to a level where we know we will NEVER suffer another one.
Watch today’s Thriver TV episode to discover out all these answers and MORE!
Are you stuck in the cycle of a toxic relationship?
Let me explain what one of those is. It is a relationship that doesn’t reach resolution. It goes around in the same painful, confusing and destructive circles.
In today’s Thriver TV episode, I’m going to explain why the usual means of trying to deal with a toxic relationship doesn’t work, and why many people after finally leaving a toxic relationship find themselves in another one again.
We are also going to discuss what it takes for a toxic relationship to transform into a healthy one, and when it can’t.
And today, we are going to go straight to the truths about how to get clear and leave the patterns of painful relationships behind, forever, regardless of the toxic relationship that you are dealing with.
Okay, so before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
If you are still in a toxic relationship, maybe you are hoping or trying for things to be different…or putting up with the toxicity hoping that something will change so that you can get out … and it’s likely you are regularly questioning your sanity and if you are the problem.
Would you like it if this got cleared up today?
I think you would, so let’s get started on the exact steps you need to apply to get relief and clarity and be able to start generating healthy relationships in your Life.
Please note this video is in a general sense about love relationships, but the principles absolutely relate to any narcissist in your life, as you will see. So regardless of who the narcissist is please watch until the end.
Toxic relationships are steeped in blame, with either one or both parties holding the other responsible for whatever they believe the relationship and they as an individual need.
This is a false premise that never works because in toxic relationships this essential ADULT, taking personal responsibility, is sadly missing: ‘I am the generative source of my own love, approval, survival and security, regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.’
And this boils down to the way we all need to be willing to live if we want to be a free and actualised human being: ‘If you are incapable, unavailable or unwilling to meet me at healthy levels of my values and truths then I WILL do this without you for myself.’
The deeper meaning of this is: ‘I’d love you to come on this journey with me expressing what is important to me, but if you don’t wish to, then I free you to seek what works for you whilst I go forth creating with what and who is my truth.’
I totally understand that you may be suffering or have suffered someone who refuses to be a team member capable of being caring and considerate – or who can’t or didn’t speak to you without demeaning or abusing you. Or someone who did or does have horrible addictions that made them non-functional, unhealthy or unsafe to have a relationship with. You may be with or experienced someone who lies, steals and cheats and has done malicious conscienceless things to you.
Naturally, it is very easy to blame these people for the state of our outer life and how we feel on the inside.
If we are NOT clear about what our values and truths are regarding how we wish our life to go, and are holding someone else responsible for the levels of love, approval, survival and security we feel on the inside, regardless of how our outer life looks, we are going to hold other people responsible for granting us what we think we need to feel ‘whole’.
It’s Wrong Town, it doesn’t work, and it is a sure-fire recipe to get ourselves enmeshed in toxic relationships that grant us exactly what brings even more brokenness to our inner and outer lives.
Getting Clear On Your Values
Confusion will reign when you aren’t living in alignment with your values and are enmeshed in toxic relationships with people who are NOT a match for your values.
This confusion will come regardless of what you ‘want’ from this person – ranging all the way from small things to big things – reflecting where you are NOT yet whole within yourself.
Let me explain with these following examples.
Michelle was married to Geoffrey. They had very little in common. He wanted to stay home, she wanted to explore and experience life. When they went out to dinner, there were no discussions that stimulated her. He could only talk about limited things and forever went over and over the same old stories. She dreaded any time with him by themselves because she always felt like she wanted to scream.
The more Michelle pushed Geoffrey the more he resisted. He didn’t want to join her on expeditions and do things. He liked to relax at home. He didn’t want an expanded life – he liked to keep things simple. The arguing reached the point of becoming toxic, with both parties degenerating into blaming and shaming the other.
Each one of the couple were trying to get the other person to change to their values in order to make the relationship happy.
Now, let’s check out Ian who was in a relationship with Tina and was constantly trying to get her to stop drinking and not coming home. She admitted to having affairs, but he kept taking her back.
The fights were ripping them apart. Tina accused him of being jealous and stifling, pushing her to run away, and he accused her of having commitment issues because of the abuse she had suffered from her father.
Around and around and around they went, suffering from time to time the utter destruction of Tina’s blowouts.
Ian was seriously self-abandoning himself by allowing and accepting serious value compromises in his life. He was trying to change Tina into being monogamous, addiction free and emotionally available so that he could be happy and safe.
Tina didn’t need to change a thing since she could be all of these things in the relationship because Ian stayed with her.
It’s so important to understand, whether you are in a relationship with a ‘Geoffrey’ – someone who is not abusive, yet is not aligned with your values – or a ‘Tina’ who is a train wreck, that someone’s character is their character, you can’t change people – only they can change IF they want to.
Let’s now get REALLY real…
When It’s Toxic Through and Through
We may be in relationships that are never going to become healthy, which means either that person is trying to force us into being someone that our values and character cannot become or vice versa. Narcissists do this with us a lot. They are never happy and they demand more and more unreasonable commodities from us – excessive attention, unwholesome sex, money, resources, undying unhealthy devotion, loyalty, secrecy…whatever it is.
These unhealthy demands cause our Inner Beings to scream out ‘No’ and we baulk, try to resist or fight back. If we cave in, we just get emptied out more and more, heading all the way to our demise, and then become very sick.
Of course, these are toxic relationships that have no hope of repair.
When we are with someone who doesn’t want to change, and it means we can’t be happy with WHO they are and WHAT they do as they ARE, then this is a toxic relationship that has no hope of reform.
I’ve done it like most of us have – chosen partners, friends and business associates and continued on with them, even when it’s clear they don’t have values of integrity or empathy for others, are incapable of remorse and taking personal responsibility, and display awful narcissistic self-absorbed, conscienceless and destructive behaviours to the detriment of others.
Truly – WHAT was I thinking?! Any excuse I made to hang on and try to make this unmakeable deal work just ended up making matters worse and worse. Whatever I thought I could salvage or gain got stripped away, and then some.
And the results of my choices betraying my own values; were always painful. If you sleep with mangy dogs, you get fleas! (Please animal lovers out there – this is an expression – no disrespect to dogs!)
As I’ve said before, you can’t make a crocodile roll over while you scratch its tummy and expect it to play fetch with you. People without integrity and a good character can’t just ‘become’ good people. They are who they are.
Just like, if you want a healthy partner with great values about nutrition, stop trying to force someone to give up the couch, TV and ice-cream. Can you accept who they are? If not move on.
In the extreme cases, such as it is with narcissists, in no shape or form should we continue to accept people whose actions show a distinct lack of healthy values and character. There are no happy endings to that choice.
When You Are Hooked In
I hope by now you are understanding how futile it is to try to change someone into being who you want them to be so that you can feel ‘whole’.
There are several deep Quantum (absolute) outcomes regarding this tactic.
• When you try to change others, they won’t grant you the change you seek. But they will grant you more of your own lack of wholeness, which is fuelling your toxic dance with them.
• They will blame you for why they behave the way they do.
• They will bring up any ‘dirt’ they have on you about what you are or aren’t doing, which will take the argument down any number of rabbit holes which lead to more non-resolution.
• You are enabling their bad behaviour because they still have you connected, and you are feeding this behaviour with your attention on it. Their life carries on – there is no reason for them to have to change.
This is the very truth about toxic relationships!
Toxic Relationships That Can Change
I really want you to be very clear about this, so you don’t live in false hope. If this person has a flawed character, such as in the case of a narcissistic – capable of pathological lying, malicious acts, and the inability to be remorseful or accountable or make amends genuinely, you are wasting your time.
You aren’t going to have any choice other than let go, heal and be very clear about the calibre and character of person you align yourself with in the future.
Let’s go back to the story of Michelle and Geoffrey. Michelle did the inner work on herself to define and align with her true values, and she got really clear about the life that she needed to live to gratify the truth of her soul – this required a partner to join her in her adventures, expansion and personal growth.
Lovingly and truthfully, she shared with Geoffrey her truth and asked him if this was something he would like to work towards and live as well.
His honest answer to her was that it was not what he wanted for his life. It was sad but they agreed to split up and do so amicably.
Another example is Peter who wanted his partner Joy to be more open and honest with him, rather than shutting him out. She was unreliable and would break plans at the last minute, including holidays and time spent together. He felt like he was always second best in her life.
After fighting about this for some time, and then detaching from her and doing work on himself with NARP to heal his toxic relationship pattern within that allowed him to connect to unavailable women without honouring himself, Peter got clear and solid and asked Joy for what he needed to continue a relationship with her – consistency, communication, sticking to plans and making him a priority in her life.
He was totally at peace with whichever way it would go, because he knew whatever the outcome – he would be free of the toxic pattern and living his truth.
Joy realised he would end the relationship if she didn’t step up, so she agreed to. However, her actions did not match her words and shortly after Peter ended the relationship with her. Within months he was dating a new woman who, before committing to her, he had ascertained by her actions that she was reliable and available.
And then there is Patricia and Grant. Grant gambled a little too heavily and then when money was needed for added expenses Patricia found she was carrying the load. For years they had argued about this, with Grant insisting he was entitled to downtime with his mates and Patricia being resentful and overwhelmed because she seemed to be the only responsible adult in the relationship.
Patricia committed to NARP healings to clear the pattern of relationships with addicts in her life and got very clear that she no longer wanted to include building security and creating goals with a gambler. She told Grant her truth – that if he wished to continue gambling that was fine, he could, but she wasn’t going to have it in her life and she would leave him.
Grant didn’t believe her.
Patricia moved out straight away and started making plans to divorce.
He then knew she meant it.
Grant told her he was quitting, but she didn’t move back in until she saw the clear evidence. He went to Gamblers Anonymous, took up playing squash on that night he normally gambled, and kept showing her how serious he was. They reunited and Grant never gambled again, and started to love his new physique, levels of fitness and having more available money to enjoy holidays and special occasions with Patricia.
The Formula to End ALL Toxic Relationship Patterns
This is regardless of who this person is – which includes friends, family, ANY one at all.
• Stop holding this person responsible for your happiness, wholeness of security – as an adult that is YOUR job.
• Let go of your focus on them and do the inner work to get very clear on your values and what you require in your Life to live your True Life.
• Heal within yourself the traumas you have that cause you to attach, stay in and make excuses for staying in toxic relationships (NARP assists you to achieve this).
• If this person has an indecent character, stop wanting or expecting any requirement from them, go No Contact or Modified Contact, do what you need to legally, and heal and move on (NARP also assists with this incredibly).
• If this person has a decent character, STOP arguing with them and tell them lovingly and truthfully what you require from them to continue a relationship with them.
• If they don’t wish to be this person, bless them and lovingly release them so that you both can be free to live a life that is aligned with your separate truths.
• If they do agree to step up into the life values you have, see if their actions match the words – words alone are cheap.
• If they are trying to become your values, be honest. Is this something that they are enjoying and benefiting from? Are they doing this only because of their neediness and fear of losing you, but really resent having to be different?
And finally, ALWAYS, ALWAYS work on your Inner Being enough to be able to be your alignment to your True Self and Life no matter what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
Then you will be whole within, meaning you can say ‘No’ to who and what is not your truth and hang out to connect with and co-generate ‘more of WHO you are’ with the real deal people and things…and, by calmly and clearly using the formula above, leave if things become toxic.
Can you see that this Is not just the most loving gift you can grant to yourself; it also LOVES and honours everyone else as well?
We have no right to change people to be who we want them to be. That’s not love, its control, regardless of who they are or what they are or aren’t doing.
You will find, when you give this up, how people who do have healthy inner commodities come into your life easily because that is WHO you are now Being authentically inside you.
Are you ready for this? Is this what you really want – a Life and relationships that work?
If so, write below ‘I free myself and those who are not a match for me NOW’… and really mean it.
Do you have any idea how once you address this pattern inside you, that everything in your life can start falling into place?
Hold my hand and I’ll show you how! This process begins by clicking this link which takes you straight to my free inner transformational course.
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And as always, I’d love to answer your comments and questions below.