Narcissists like to love bomb! They like to shower you with gifts, turn on the charm and move things on very quickly.
When it comes to dating a narcissist how do you NOT fall for the love bombing?
How do you know the difference between love-bombing and real healthy attention and consideration?
Find out if there is a way to tell the difference between someone who is genuine, attentive and generous and a wolf in sheep’s clothing in this episode.
What does it feel like to date a narcissist?
Heady. Exciting. Intoxicating.
(Before being healed up of course…)
How does all your sensibility go out of the window?
Why does it feel like you are on The Love Train Express, on a one way track, even though you sense there is something terribly dangerous about this?
Don’t real people show up as loving, genuine, trustworthy and caring as well?
You bet they do, and in today’s Thriver TV Episode I am going to explain to you what dating a narcissist is like, as well as what it is like to date a DECENT, loving and genuine person who is showing up interested in you and attentive towards you.
As well as HOW you can put this to the test!
Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do.
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Okay, let this episode begin!
The Feelings of Dating A Narcissist – When We Don’t Know!
What goes on with the narcissist and us when love-bombing happens?
The narcissist’s manoeuvre:
I’m going to try to hook up with this person. I’ll ask questions. I’ll find out what they are looking for and what they feel hurt about in their past. Then I’ll appear to care deeply about them and be everything they have been searching for.
The unsuspecting target’s feelings:
Oh MY GOD! This is the person I’ve been dreaming about, visualising and putting up on my vision board. He/she has arrived!
The narcissist’s manoeuvre:
I know this person is trusting and believes me. Now I’m going to snare this person quickly. I’ll take over their heart and infiltrate their body, soul and life. Heck, I’ll even connect financially with them as soon as they allow me to.
To get them to give me the key to the fortress, I’ll make them think I’m taking my time and have great respect for them. That is if sex and chemistry doesn’t get the better of them.
The unsuspecting target’s feelings:
Oh MY GOD! This person is everything I have ever wanted; I’m so attracted to him/her and he/she is so sweet and considerate. This is it – this is my beloved. There is no point wasting time, I know he/ she is the real deal and would never hurt me. I’m in!
(Mind you, this person’s intuition, their Inner Being, is dinging warning bells. Yet that niggly feeling is pushed aside by the over-enthusiastic reckless neediness to enmesh.)
The narcissist’s manoeuvre:
I’m SO high on new narcissistic supply that I am getting off on this. I know this person thinks we are crazily in love.
The unsuspecting target’s feelings:
Oh MY GOD! I feel so in love and attracted to this person I can’t even see straight.
That, in a nutshell, is a classic narcissistic love bomb. It is no more complicated than that – find out what a person craves and pretend to be it.
This is why narcissists get new supply in the time it takes to boil an egg.
The odd person reports that they didn’t feel head over heels when love-bombed. They didn’t feel the big chemical reaction to the narcissist – yet they still got hooked in because of some neediness within, like: ‘I’ll be on my own if I don’t accept this person’, ‘This person has the contacts, intelligence, wisdom, spirituality, money or lifestyle that I need to be happy, whole and safe’ and the list can go on and on and on.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when we believe it is about ‘love’, that connections with narcissists are a dual interior subconscious game of neediness and supply. The narcissist NEEDS significance and someone else’s energy to survive, and we NEED what is missing in ourselves and our lives to try to feel whole.
Hence, why our connection with a narcissist ends up being as painful as anyone’s relationship is with a drug dependency that is killing them.
We don’t believe there is any other option than the narcissist, who originally appeared as our saviour to ourselves – until we realise that our entire lesson with narcissists is to let go, detach, turn inwards, heal and become a FULL source to self.
The narcissist who will never become a source to self believes that people are just objects and that they are dispensable sources, when necessary, that can be mined from virtually anywhere.
It’s true there are many unhealed people who feel empty about something on the inside.
Please hear me when I say to you – it is SO not true, that it will never be safe for you to date because narcissists are everywhere.
Yes, narcissists are everywhere – that is totally true, and so are great people who you can have healthy, fulfilling relationships with.
Your future relationships are never about what other people are or aren’t doing (oh gosh I promise you this).
Rather, they are about WHO you are BEING.
Beingness is not something you can just logically decide – it’s the work you do inside yourself to heal, so that you can show up, not CARING who other people are, because you know who YOU are, what YOUR values are and how powerfully (and not needily) you can take your time to get to know people and put yourself (and them) to the test.
I really want you to discard the ridiculous romantic notion that love is all about being swept off your feet into an instant relationship.
Fairy-tales, sitcoms, novels, plays, advertising and blockbuster movies have made us believe this – but truly, if you want to be safe, healthy and happy then you need to GROW UP and take your time when dating.
If you do, you have narcissistic repellent working powerfully in your favour from the get-go.
Narcissists HATE to take time; they need narcissistic supply to survive – like yesterday.
If you can get it through to yourself TO TAKE YOUR SWEET TIME to get to know someone, rather than be like my previous self who used to put more thought into buying a pair of shoes than I did into choosing a relationship, then watch on – because we are not going to leave any stone unturned.
Your Criteria to NOT Fall For the Love Bomb
I want you to ask yourself these questions:
- Is your life whole enough, as a single person, to NOT need a relationship to feel happy and have a fulfilling life?
- Do you feel like you are established as your own generative source of love, acceptance, survival and security – and no longer feel like an empty, broken child in an adult’s body looking for a partner to be a pseudo parent for you? (I know that is such a tough question and one I want you to get really honest with yourself about – because it is NO one else’s responsibility to give you your happiness and life – it is yours.)
- Are you healed beyond the beliefs ‘all the good ones are gone’, ‘I have to accept who turns up because there may not be another’ and ‘if I have a connection of (whatever it is) with someone, I may never experience that with someone else again’?
- Are you healed and truly over the trauma of your past relationships?
- Are you very clear on what you will and won’t accept and, so, will not compromise yourself because of neediness and feelings of lack?
- Are you prepared to ask for what you need and want? And will you, respectfully without resentment, walk away if this person does not meet your values and truth, and accept that you are just not a match for them – regardless of what stage the relationship is at?
- Have you evolved past the beliefs of ‘going on dates with the wrong people is annoying, terrible, disappointing and a waste of time’?
- Are you healed beyond capitulating to other people’s demands even if it means you lose this person?
- Are you able to accept someone discarding you because you didn’t go along with their version of dating (such as having sex too soon), without blaming yourself and wondering what is wrong with you?
- Do you now accept that what comes up via dating grants you the perfect opportunity to heal beliefs and release even more trauma, show up in truth with healthy boundaries and become an even greater generative force of true, healthy love?
I promise you, I used to be a ‘No’ in all these areas. Today I am a ‘Yes’ because I know not just healthy love depends on it – my life literally does.
I worked my BUTT OFF with the inner work to get myself there.
Okay, so I’d love you to be honest and share with the entire community below – how many do you score a ‘yes’ out of these ten questions I just asked you?
I promise you this…until you stop dating trying to find someone to heal you, or deciding that you could never date ever again because you are too broken, and instead heal yourself in your key inner areas to become whole, not only will you date effectively, you will have a total blast doing it – no matter how many narcs you initially come across.
I also promise you that once the Quantum Mechanics of so within so without, get clear so that you are solid within and taking wonderful and powerful care of the sovereignty of your soul – the seas will part, the narcs will all get washed away, and great people will start flowing towards you.
Before then, you will be susceptible to a love-bombing narcissist. If you are starving or dying of thirst, you will eat crap on a stick or drink your own urine if you have to. With a narcissist who was originally wrapped in glamour, you’ll see that when the mask falls you will be left with the chilling truth of who they really are.
The total solution is to heal you, then you will never accept that again, and you won’t put yourself in a position to even start a narcissistic relationship.
When you heal, you will put as much thought, time, diligence and care into a relationship decision as you would any other impactful life decision – even more so – and certainly more thought than purchasing a pair of shoes.
The Difference Between Love-Bombing and Real Healthy Attention and Consideration
I love that I get to live so many experiences for myself AND this community.
Sometimes I feel like a crash-test dummy, in a good way!
‘Love’ has certainly been a journey for me, full of richness and experience, and I am very blessed to have enjoyed being able to have my heart open to receive new relationships even after narcissistic abuse.
EVERY relationship since the two N’s, has been a wonderful step up for me in certain areas.
You may ask what the difference is between decent caring people who are lovely and being love-bombed.
I promise you I KNOW the difference. And the reason I was able to enter a healthier relationship trajectory was because I was DIFFERENT enough to attract and accept this into my life.
My current partner of just over a year is a lovely man. From the day I met him, I felt a familiarity, a soft warm feeling. It was like putting on an old sweater that I adored. It was a feeling like ‘coming home’. It wasn’t the high anxiety, blood pumping ‘thrill’ of hanging out with a narcissist.
(Which for a long time I have been quite repulsed by!)
In the past, leading up to this man, I had been adamant about NOT being with men that were at all love-bomby! Because I knew how narcissistic that can be. I have to laugh about how the Universe says, ‘your wish is my command’ as I had been experiencing ungenerous relationships.
Meaning they were NOT romantic or caring, even though I was clear (previous love-bombing or not) with what I wanted, ‘I want romance. I want to feel like a revered woman. I want to MATTER!’
From day one I received flowers every time my partner picked me up on a date. He would send me beautiful thoughtful messages, including poetry. I was being beautifully romanced.
I still am to this day.
And I was totally allowing things to unfold whilst sizing him up, as well as evaluating how I was Being in this.
A dear girlfriend asked me ‘How do you know this isn’t love-bombing?’ My answer was ‘Because if I am busy and can’t get to his text, he waits respectfully until I do. And if I have other plans, and can’t meet up, he is totally understanding with this’.
This man was NOT needy, pushy, demanding or sulky. He was being a real romantic steadfast man. He respected my space and never encroached on it.
He didn’t play ridiculous ‘let’s throw caution to the wind in the name of passion’ games.
And, I was not giving up my life to completely fall into his arms. As it turned out, he didn’t want that either. We took our time through a friendship and courting process to get to know each other, as two whole people seeking another whole partner, to share a life with, rather than to self-medicate with or take away our emptiness and loneliness.
In those three months, I watched and waited, as did he.
The other values I was very clear about included consideration for people, and one’s word being backed by real action, or taking responsibility if not possible (such as when stuff happens).
He has integrity. He is a really good person at his core.
I was clear on what character and kindness looked like and I was totally prepared to say ‘Okay, if he isn’t it, this has been a beautiful exercise in developing a relationship for both of us, and the next man will be even better.’
I truly believed that with all of my heart.
I still do, and if for whatever reason we decide our journey together wasn’t compatible with what we wanted any more, then that would all be totally okay too.
Right now, it is wonderful.
The Only Relationship That Creates All Others
I know there is a lot going on in this episode, and I hope that it can truly and deeply help you.
You know I am always banging on about the inner work, and that is because I know without it, after narcissistic abuse, just how hard it is to heal our fractured relationship with ourselves and life, let alone be powerful, solid and wise enough to engage in healthy relationships with a non-narcissistic intimate other.
What I love about truly cleaning up the relationship that we have with ourselves and feeling whole and satisfied in our own body and in life, is that we are no longer dependent and needy in relationships.
That is when we are TOTALLY free enough to choose and engage in ones that ARE healthy.
I can’t tell you what a relief it is to get there, and I know it will be for you too.
If it’s time for you to put an end to the narcissistic madness and fear, please click this link to start your trek on your true love path today.
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As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.