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dating while also protecting your children

How Do You Tackle Dating While Also Protecting Your Children?

dating while also protecting your children

 

Being a single mother is the most rewarding, yet most trying job placed on a woman. Add dating to the mix and you are ready to throw your hands up in the air and call it quits. Why?

Your child becomes the most important factor in the equation. You don’t want to transform your front door into a turnstile, creating and severing attachments that your child is forming. You also don’t want to place your child in an unimaginable situation by bringing the wrong person around. So what do you do?

How do you tackle the obstacle of dating while also protecting your children?

First, it is important that when dating someone new, they understand this about you and embrace it. Many ask if bringing up a child on the first date is a big “no-no” and the how/when it should be discussed and when the potential suitor should be introduced.

For me, when I used to do match.com, my dating profile said, “Delicious Mom.” I wanted them to know right off the bat that I’m a package deal. So I don’t think you need to hide the fact that you are a mom whatsoever. I don’t think it’s a big no-no whatsoever. I think if you dominate the conversation talking about your children and nothing else, then you aren’t really a woman you’re just a mom. You are more than that; however, I get the importance of your children.

So I’d say just be real and up front. There’s nothing to resist; there is nothing to hide. Going into this conversation like it is something wrong makes it like there’s this big speed bump in front of you that you have to get over. Just level it. Just be you.

Your children are the most important things in the world to you. There is nothing to apologize about, it’s just how it is. Talk about other things that are the most important thing in the world to you–living your truth, your heart, what brings you joy, just anything. Just be a woman and be all of you.

Then, when you are completely authentic and you’re not overcompensating, hiding, or just doing the dance, you meet someone that is just like, “the most important thing in the world to you, that’s awesome.” When you meet someone like that then there is just a fit.

There isn’t a specific “timeline.” I think when you are dating someone exclusively and not dating other people and you’re thinking “I wanna see where this goes with him.” That is the time when I would introduce them. I would introduce your children to him in a non-pressure way, maybe out on a playdate or at a park with other people.

When you’re all out at dinner and you’re all looking at each other, there is nowhere else to look. This can be really intense. There can be a lot of pressure on both of them. So, just make it easy and fun. See how everybody gets along in a very non-pressured way.

In my experience, when someone is a good person for you they tend to bring the best out in you and your children. I’ve also had a client who was dating this woman and his two daughters did not like her at all. Yet, when I looked deeper with him on the coaching call, she wasn’t actually a fit. This is just my opinion but they were bringing to light what he was unwilling to see in the first place.

As you love your most important things in the world, your children, you make room for you to be loved and room for another masculine figure to gift your son in this world.

The post How Do You Tackle Dating While Also Protecting Your Children? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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mistakes when dating after divorce

Don’t Make These 7 Mistakes When Dating After Divorce

mistakes when dating after divorce

 

If I had my way the word “date” would not be part of the English language. There would be a less stressful way of finding a future mate. What, I don’t know, but definitely less stressful. The “dating game” and the mechanics of it set most of us up to make this one huge mistake…appearing desperate.

In Dating Is The Worst Way To Find Love And We Should All Stop Doing It, Jessica Blankenship pretty much says it all up.

Look, I don’t care how perfectly self-aware and secure you are, when you focus too much attention on how you’re coming off to someone else, especially if you’re attracted to that person, you’re going to f#@k it up. Somehow. You’re going to be a little too calculating with your words and actions, a little too nervous, and then a little too boastful to compensate for it, and then self-deprecating to compensate for the arrogance (and you’re not even typically an arrogant person! WTF is this date doing to you?) and by the end of the night, you’re back at home with a nauseating certainty that the lovely person you just shared a meal with has the completely wrong impression of you and you pretty much want to die.

We try desperately to make a great first impression. To such a degree that we can’t help but come off desperate in our search for new love. And, let’s face it, desperation stinks! So, to keep the odor down and the crazy at bay below are a few suggestions for those who want to start enjoying dating after divorce and possibly finding a new relationship.

You Don’t Want to Make These Mistakes When Dating After Divorce

1. Persistent Talking Is a No, No:

A solid relationship will take time to form. In other words, you’ve got plenty of time to tell your life story if you’ve made a match. It doesn’t have to be done on the first date. And, if it isn’t done on the first date you’ve got a better chance at a second date.

Relax, chill out and keep somethings to yourself. Don’t talk about your high conflict divorce, your dysfunctional childhood or that nuisance of a co-worker you deal with daily. We all have baggage we lug around but it’s best if you don’t unpack any of it on a first date.

Live your dates in the moment. Focus on your surroundings, activities and the person you are with. You will find plenty to talk about by making the choice to talk about the “here and now.”

2. Keep Your Scary Skeletons In The Closet:

Seriously, no one wants to know how many times your ex cheated on you before they get to know YOU. Did you spend a night in Juvie at sixteen or, shoplift a lip gloss at twelve? We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, most of us have done something a bit sketchy in our past. Save it for the third or fourth date when you are more certain of how they will respond.

3. Don’t Drop Your Standards:

When thinking about a future mate or a new love relationship we all have a list of “must haves.” Traits like honesty, security, work ethic, physical attraction, compatibility, and intelligence. The desperate dater, the one who feels they are kissing a lot of toads and not coming up with a prince may be tempted to lower their standards.

Big mistake!

Someone who is not worthy of you, knows they are not worthy of you. They know you are settling for less than you want and need and will take advantage of that weakness.

For example, I have a friend who just broke up with her “boyfriend.” She dated this man for seven months. During those seven months, he had never picked up a dinner tab or paid for her drinks. He never called ahead to schedule a date either. He would text or call at the last moment wanting to meet for drinks or dancing.

He was a “busy” scientist who traveled a lot for work, she was a lonely divorcee who wanted attention and company. He played on her desperation and she allowed herself to believe that someone who was using her for a booty call was a “boyfriend.” When she learned he was a scientist who wasn’t “busy” or traveling but married, she ended the relationship and reevaluated what it was about herself that allowed her to lower her standards.

4. Don’t Be Too Available:

This is a mistake my friend made. If you are ready to go out with thirty minutes notice for a “date” what message are you sending the other person? Don’t allow anyone to believe that you can be their afterthought or last minute “go to” when bored or other plans fall through.

Unless you are in an established relationship with this person set a pattern that lets them know you are worthy of making plans with days in advance. If you don’t, you’ll never move beyond the “afterthought” phase of a relationship.

5. Don’t Complain About Being Single:

Want to put your date in their place, really let them know why you are there in the first place…to find a new mate, complain about being single. Yeah, do that and there definitely won’t be a second date. You may be seeking empathy but you aren’t likely to get it from someone if they feel the date is an audition for the role of future husband/wife.

6. Contact Overkill:

If a first and second date goes well, it’s important to keep in touch but it is possible to go overboard. Emailing, calling and texting two or three times a day is a good way to scare off someone with potential. Nothing says, “Borderline stalker” like constant texting or calling. Back away from the iPhone!

7. Not Create Some Space:

Last, but certainly not least create space between your life and a new relationship. If you get lucky and make a great connection with a date don’t become consumed by that person and the new relationship. The goal is to find someone new to share your life with, not to make the new relationship your entire life.

You have your own life and they have theirs. The point is to come together and create something that is beneficial to both parties…your life plus a little something new.

Dating, as daunting as it is, is the main way most will find a new relationship. New relationships have natural phases, there is a beginning, a middle and if you are lucky, a “happily ever after.” Desperation causes some to rush through those natural phases which, in turn, works against them finding the “one” they long to meet. Relax, don’t come on too strong and enjoy dating. Doing so will promote the goal of finding new love.

The post Don’t Make These 7 Mistakes When Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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dating mistakes

8 Dating Mistakes To Avoid When Dating After Divorce

dating mistakes



You didn’t expect to wind up back in the dating pool when you exchanged vows in front of your family and friends. Now you are alone again and longing for a new relationship. Whether you are happy or sad about it, it’s definitely not easy.

Are you still hoping to find love again? If so, don’t despair.

There is a great chance of finding just the right partner for you. In order to get to that goal, you will most likely have to go on a few dates.

Avoid these 8 dating mistakes in order to give yourself the best chance of dating success.

1. Not taking time to heal is one of the costliest dating mistakes

This is one of the most important dating mistakes that you need to avoid. Due to feeling panicky, you may wind up jumping into the dating pool right after your divorce in order to reassure yourself that you will not spend the rest of the life alone. This, however, can lead to fiascos and disappointments and make you feel even worse. There are three aspects of emotional healing that you should address prior to considering dating after divorce. This will help you avoid many other dating mistakes.

2. Being coy in terms of what you truly want can deter good men

I’ve seen many women in the dating scene trying to fit in and avoid showing their true colors. This is not because they are fake, bad personalities,  or liars. Many women are influenced by societal norms to think that they are not good enough the way they are. They’ve read articles that say “Don’t come across as too desperate to hop into another relationship.”

So, they go on dates being shy to express what they are truly after, a committed, loving relationship. And, you shouldn’t be too desperate. But, dating should be purposeful. This is the place to show your true authentic self so that you can find a guy who will be thrilled to be with you.

Avoid this dating mistake by being clear and assertive about what you are after. This exudes confidence and helps you eliminate the guys that are not on the same path as you are. Men love this anyhow.

3. Taking the dating process too seriously leads to high expectations

This dating mistake can lead to making you feel and possibly come across as desperate. Dating is meant to be fun. Although your goal is to find a life partner, your agenda for a specific date is to have fun, enjoy dinner, and getting to know the person you are meeting. With this approach, you will feel less anxious and you will be able to pick up important information about your date. You will be able to get a better sense of how this particular man relates to you.

4. Not dating more than one person at the time

If you date only one man, you don’t get a chance to open yourself up to various opportunities. This dating mistake can lead you to put all your eggs in a wrong basket. Consider dating as a job interview where you are the interviewer who is selecting the candidates. Think about how many candidates a company interviews for a position. You are selecting a life partner. I think you get the picture.

5. Jumping too quickly into another committed relationship

Committing too early can strip away the joy that comes with initial courtship. Why not allow this process to unfold naturally? Put some brakes on. Allow the men who are courting you prove to you that they are worthy of your heart and commitment. Doing so will allow you to make an informed decision regarding your lifetime partner. When you allow more time to pass, you will be able to see the guy in potential crises situations and how he reacts to your ups and downs, etc.

It’s reassuring to see when he is able to handle these kinds of situations with grace. After all, you are not seeking to have just any relationship, but you are seeking to find the one that you will be stoked about.

6. Expecting that happiness will come one day when you find “the right one.”

Going on dates with this mindset will only turn away good prospects. Remember, the law of attraction? If you are happy, you are more likely to attract and be attracted to a happy person. If you are not basically happy within yourself, it’s not likely that your relationship will be a happy one. Besides, this expectation puts a great deal of burden on another person and it leads to failure. The quest for making someone else happy can’t be fulfilled and relationships based on this attraction (depressed person and someone who will rescue and make them happy) often lead to frustration.

7. Giving up too early if you don’t see initial sparks

This dating mistake stems from the notion that we need to have an epic initial attraction in order to continue dating someone. You have to remember that you are not 17 anymore. With divorce under your belt and your hormones being more mature, you may not be able to have the same kinds of reactions as when you were younger. This is a good thing actually. Being less excitable will allow you to build a bond based on deeper attraction and compatibility.

So, give it a chance. See how it develops. Enjoy the friendship and dating the person for a while before you throw in the towel.

8. Being stuck on the same selection criteria as when you were in your 20t’s 

You did your best to find the right partner for your marriage when you were young. You two seemed like the perfect pair and everyone wondered why you divorced. Usually, when we are getting married the first time when we are young, we rely on specific criteria. We want to find a compatible partner, and we look into his education, job, looks, cultural background, etc. These are very important aspects, but it’s evident that we may not be a good match in spite of all these aspects aligning well.

At this point in your life, what matters is that you can have a good supportive friendship and that you can enjoy spending a lot of time together. This discussion goes back to healing process where you determine what works for you at this time of life. You’ve changed who you are, and you will not have the same values in life. Even if your new partner is not on the same academic level as you are, you two may be able to have the most interesting stimulating conversations and a great emotional connection.

Avoid these dating mistakes if you want to have a successful dating life after divorce. Start with healing, and when you are emotionally ready to date, enjoy the process of dating without too serious agenda. Go get to know people and have fun!

The post 8 Dating Mistakes To Avoid When Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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kickstart online dating conversations

5 Tips To Help Kickstart Your Online Dating Conversations

kickstart online dating conversations

 

So, you’ve done everything you need to get your dating profile ready for the world. You’ve touched up and perfected your bio, you’ve taken the perfect selfies, and you might even have a couple of matches already lined up to start chatting with; but then comes the biggest obstacle of them all; what are you supposed to say?

Easily the most difficult part of online dating is figuring out what to say, which can be a lot different to face-to-face conversations because it’s through a screen, and hey, what are you supposed to say?

Today, we’re going to be taking a look into everything you need to know to help kickstart your online dating conversations.

1. Start Strong

It’s a well-known fact that sending a traditional and bland ‘hey’ or ‘hi’ is not the best way to start a conversation online and will probably end up getting your messages ignored. This is because, unlike in real life, you have information you can work with from their profile, so give it a spin.

“Start off with something nice, like ‘hey, how are you?’, or say hello in another language, and then including something from their profile. Don’t be too forward, aggressively flirty, or too complimentary, it just doesn’t seem to work” explains Danny Mac, a relationship blogger at Writemyx and 1Day2Write.

2. Use Profile Information

Not sure on what to say? There’s a whole load of information on the person you’re speaking too in their profile, so read it and show that you’re interested in them. Of course, this will depend on what’s written there, but feel free to ask a question about something, or say how amazing something is that they’ve done or how you’d love to do that thing.

3. Write Complete Messages

Writing single, one-sentence messages with not a lot of detail isn’t going to grab anyone’s attention and it’s certainly not going to get an interesting and engaging reply that you’re going to want to respond to.

Instead, don’t be afraid to hold back. In the past, I’ve sent messages that have breached the dating app word-limit twice and managed to get an interesting and detailed response back which really helps to drive the conversation forward.

“This is great for so many reasons because not only is there a ton of stuff for you to talk about, it also shows you’re proactive and willing to have a conversation to actually get to know the person, rather than just mindlessly wasting time and chatting” shares Jack Harper, a lifestyle writer and editor for Britstudent and Australia2write.

4. Be Personable and Concise

You’re both on a dating website, so there’s no real reason to hold back and not say what you think. Saying lines like ‘your profile made me smile’, ‘reading your profile, I think we’d get on really well’, or even something like ‘I think we’d make a really great pair’, is a great way to start. After all, you both swiped to match with each other.

Also, make sure you’re writing proper sentences and using proper grammar to talk. Talking in broken sentences with typos and mistakes can put people off.

5. Be Yourself

People are going to want to date you because they like your personality, so you need to make sure you’re showcasing this in your messages! This relates directly to every point we’ve listed above, and you need to make sure you’re not generic, and you’re actually yourself.

Of course, this is much more difficult than if you were talking in person because you’re using written words which can sometimes be hard to show emotion and feeling in what you’re saying, but if you don’t know, then this is never going to happen.

Talk about books or movies you like, talk about your profile pictures, talk about your passions and interests. Talk about your neighborhood whatever you want that represents you.

Conclusion

As you can see, there are lots of things to think about when it comes to writing your first messages on your dating app. Remember, just be yourself and the person you are, because if you’re not, the relationship is never going to work anyway. The right person who clicks will come along in time!

The post 5 Tips To Help Kickstart Your Online Dating Conversations appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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field guide to dating after divorce

A Woman’s Field Guide To Dating After Divorce

field guide to dating after divorce

 

Dating after a divorce is both an exciting and difficult game for women. After years of marriage, going back to the dating game can be a daunting task. I know. After 18 years of marriage, 15 happy years and 3 years of hell, my divorce was finalized last year. Here’s what I learned out in the field of post-divorce relationships.

Times have changed and it’s a bit of a pain to prepare what to wear or what to say. But with dating apps all within your hand’s reach, meeting new people shouldn’t be a burden after all.

Many women feel reluctant to date after going through a divorce. The pain of the process may make them aloof of relationships, while others needed more time to heal. Many divorced moms tend to feel vulnerable at this point. One reason is that they used to have a spouse to protect them and there are children to consider.

Love is tough, but you don’t have to shut yourself out of the world. Dating again can make you feel alive and happy. You just have to know how to step out into the field again.

A 6 Step Field Guide To Dating After Divorce

1. Determine if you’re ready

Are you pressured by friends? Or are you emotionally and mentally ready? If you feel more of the latter, congratulations! You’re finally prepared to explore new relationships.

Don’t rush yourself into another relationship just to compensate for the emotional longing your former spouse left in you. Regardless if you’re in Year 1 or Year 5, being prepared is a case by case basis. Some take time while others get back up faster. And guess what, it’s all normal and okay.

If the idea of dating makes you feel off, it means you’re not yet ready. Give yourself more time.

2. Accept that you’re afraid

You don’t have to pretend that you’re a tough cookie just to date again. Accept that you’re afraid, your marriage has failed, and that you’re willing to start again.

It’s totally fine to “mourn” your failed relationship. However, don’t beat yourself up too much. It’s true that divorce may feel like an upheaval or betrayal, but you shouldn’t let yourself be consumed by negative thinking.

If you think you’re prepared, take a step forward and gamble with the idea of meeting and welcoming new people into your life.

3. Know what your intentions are

Before you go back to the dating game, ask yourself first, “what’s my intention of dating again?” If it’s to seek revenge on your ex, forget about it. It can be looking for a life-long partner, a short-term relationship that may lead to something, or purely for fun.

This intention will guide you on how you’ll deal with people while dating.

4. Join dating apps

Gone are the days when you’ll rely on someone else’s friend just to meet a new guy. You should decide first what kind of dating app you’ll want to join in. Are you into casual encounters without serious commitments or more of a serious meet-up thing?

If your end goal is to become sexually active, there are many sex dating apps that you can join in. However, take note that most men and women here have the end goal of being laid alone.

In case this isn’t what’s in your mind, it’s better to hop into casual dating apps. It always boils down to your intention of dating. As you see, it will determine how you will deal with a possible relationship: are you just testing the waters or looking for a life-long partner?

5. Learn from your mistakes

Now that you’ve decided to jump into the dating game, there’s one thing that divorce will teach you: learn from your mistakes.

Admit that you’ve committed mistakes from your past marriage. It might be bitter, but this will be your guiding light so you won’t repeat it on your next relationship.

Figure out what caused you to lose your husband or partner. Have you been too possessive? Have you lacked the intimate aspect? Each divorcee will have her own story.

6. Don’t stick to online contact

Once you’ve met someone online, don’t drag the communication on the web. Meet up after two or three weeks so you’ll know if the feelings or intentions are mutual. Is he someone just planning to get laid? Or is he someone looking for a partner for life?

It’s easy to fantasize over someone you met online. This is why it’s better to meet the person as soon as possible to check where the two of you are in terms of your relationship.

Still, practice caution: tell a friend where you’re going and invite the person to a public place first.

Remember that dating is a numbers game. About 4 out of 5 people you’ve dated will walk away. When this happens, don’t wallow into self-doubt. Just move forward and keep dating until you find your perfect match.

The post A Woman’s Field Guide To Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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