Let’s say the dating thing worked out and you met someone fantastic, and you are so excited and cannot wait for everyone to meet him because he is so great! While it is true a happy parent can make for happy children, it is necessary to be conscious about how a new partner can affect the dynamics with your kids.
Deciding when and how to make an introduction between your significant other and your children must be done in a thoughtful manner where there is a balance between all concerned parties—this includes you, your children, your new man, and yes, even your ex.
Dating while Divorcing
Depending on when you last dated, the sheer idea of re-entering the dating world can be overwhelming. Then, realizing that this time around you have kids to think about can inspire some paper-bag breathing, to be sure. Yes, it could be an exciting feeling knowing you have once again found romance, and you could even be eager to introduce the new man in your life to your kids.
However, you must be aware of some major pitfalls that could be present outside the obvious concerns of will your kids like Mr. Wonderful or will Mr. Wonderful like your kids?
Should You Be Dating While Going Through A Divorce?
Going a level deeper, you might even want to consider how your ex is going to react regarding this development. And if you are still in the process of divorcing, could the legal proceedings be affected by your love life? Have you even known this new man long enough for him to be deserving of meeting your children?
Of course, another issue should be addressed first. This is so important. If you have a new man in your life but you are still wearing the wedding ring given to you by your current husband or still legally married to him, then do not (under almost any circumstance) introduce your new paramour to your kids. I realize in many affairs, the children have probably already made the acquaintance of the person you might be thinking of introducing them to—it might be a neighbor, a family friend, or even the husband of your PTA nemesis.
Regardless, never let your kids find out about this relationship before your husband does.
Timing Is Important
If you have already filed for divorce and are separated from your husband, then we are dealing with a somewhat cleaner area when it comes to your love life. While you may have some stage fright, and you might also feel you are in no way ready to think about a new relationship, the time may come when you meet someone with whom you feel you could have a future. However, there are some guidelines that must be followed.
First, I would not recommend introducing your new love to your children unless you are 1,000 percent sure it is not going to cause a firestorm with your ex. An ideal situation is if your ex-husband has already entered into a relationship and has introduced the children to his new girlfriend. In this regard, you have carte blanche to call the shots on how to handle the intro. If this is not the case, I encourage you to proceed with caution.
As discussed earlier, divorcing a spouse who is angry and hurt is challenging. Odds are he is feeling upset for many reasons— some might have to do with you and others might stem from his childhood. Ultimately, however, you do not want to instigate more resentment from him.
Depending on your situation and if the split is amicable, there is a chance your divorce is calm and mutually accepted. If this is not the case, or if there are some acrimonious factors involved in your split, introducing the idea of a new dad to your kids could easily make your ex freak out. Realize that you can even significantly destroy a relatively cordial split by making your ex feel threatened by the fact some guy is taking his place in his family.
If your ex loved your Saturday morning pancakes and now he realizes some other Joe is going to be sitting at the breakfast table—in his chair—well, just be prepared for a rocky road ahead. Parents are possessive, and I can tell you that you would probably be having the same feelings if your ex’s new bombshell was in the position to take your daughter to the mall to go back-to-school shopping or pick your son up from baseball practice.
The point is, yes, think about your children—but also think about whether or not the timing is right with your ex.
See the Situation through the Eyes of Others
No matter who was responsible for pulling the plug on your marriage, it is imperative that you take a step back and consider the situation through your children’s and your ex’s eyes. Your kids are already dealing with the fact that Mom and Dad are not together anymore.
How will they react when they see another man put his arm around you, hold your umbrella when it rains, open a car door, or even kiss you? Now, think of your ex. How will he act when he pictures another man doing all the things he used to do with you (even if he was not as great as he should have been in the chivalry department)?
The idea of a new Mr. X fling may fill a romantic void in your life could be disturbing to your ex and your children alike. Your kids have never seen you with anyone other than their father, and this could throw off their equilibrium.
In their thinking, if you have a new man in your life to replace their dad, does that mean you could have new kids someday too? In the children’s mind, you are their mom first, and anyone else should get their hands off! Remember that children can be just as possessive as your ex.
Considering your ex, it is true he might not want you anymore— but he does not want anyone else to have you either. And he especially does not like the idea of his children seeing some other man take care of you, walking the dog he trained, sitting in what used to be his space at the dinner table, or even (maybe if not today, then in the future) sleeping in the bed that he shared with you.
Making a Judgment Call
Let’s take your ex out of it for now and talk about the judgment call you must make with regard to your kids. I have mentioned that kids are very resilient. They have the ability to spring back from a variety of bad or challenging situations without suffering long-term damage.
However, also know these little humans are very perceptive and sensitive—and remember they are also narcissistic. If you are operating under the notion that your kids are simply going to be happy because they see you happy, my advice is to think long and hard about this. You are their mom first. They are going to have to process the reality that they are now seeing you with another man—one who is not their father.
Lesli Doares, LMFT, advises, “The first thing, and this is where I think a lot of parents don’t get it, is understanding that their children may be in a different place regarding the acceptance of the divorce than the parents are. And, frequently, new partners are introduced way too soon. The children aren’t ready for that.”
Depending on the age of your child, their personality, and their relationship with their dad, they could experience some threatening feelings. They could challenge this new relationship or look to undermine it.
Doares explains, “I know there’s this fantasy of ‘Oh, we’re going to form this big, happy family.’ And, unfortunately, because children were never consulted about the divorce, there’s also a strong feeling of not being consulted about this new person coming into their lives and really modifying any expectations.”
She continues, “Most children and even into the time that they’re adults, still have the fantasy of Mom and Dad getting back together again. And, once a new partner is introduced, that idea gets really challenged, and there’s usually some kind of pushback, although it’s not necessarily obvious, and especially because Mom or Dad is really happy with this new person. But the kids feel they don’t know what to do about this.”
After all, how many times has the phrase, “You are not my father!” been shouted on some TV drama featuring a blended family? Children often fantasize about their parents getting back together—and this new guy quashes that fantasy.
Also, remain aware that your children could experience feelings of abandonment, loss, or grief now that their dad is not around each day. Keep that in mind when you introduce a new love interest. You do not want your children to bond with this person, only to have him walk out on you a month later because he is not ready to commit or does not like the way you make your eggs in the morning. Ensure that the relationship is substantial before you spend your children’s time and emotions getting to know and trust someone who might not be around a few months from now.
Dr. Fran Walfsh discusses some of the risks she has witnessed with her younger patients, “The biggest risk is your kid gets attached to John or John’s kids, and if it doesn’t work out, there’s another ripping away of another attachment figure. And it’s painful, unnecessary pain for the kids. The next risk is that no matter how you slice it, every child of every age, and that includes thirty-five-year-olds, holds a secret wish that Mommy and Daddy will reconcile and be a happy family together again. Every kid, even today with the high divorce rate, still fantasizes and wants his or her parents to be together and for them to have one united family. So it’s painful when you introduce some new person. Don’t do it unless you know that person’s sticking around.”
She continues. “Never lie to your children.” Always be truthful, but less is more.
The Legalities of Dating Pre-divorce
Another consideration you need to take into account when you are thinking of blending your Saturday-night-kids-are-with-their-father life with your kid-filled life is the legalities you may face as you start to date pre-divorce. One key issue to explore is where you are with custody and if there is the possibility of a custody fight presenting itself in the future. If there is the slightest chance of a custody dispute (meaning that a parenting agreement has not already been drafted and signed), I would strongly recommend no introduction be made to the person you have started dating.
The last thing you need is your ex making it seem to a judge that you have poor judgment when introducing Mr. Rebound to your kids and letting him use the old toothbrush their father left behind.
A second consideration is specific language could be put into your separation agreement that any introduction to a significant other cannot occur unless the relationship has lasted for a certain amount of time. There can also be stipulations stating that if an introduction were to take place, the ex-spouse would be provided advance warning.
Again, this is not anything done to spite you—and it could be in everyone’s best interests. The last thing you would want to hear come out of your kid’s mouth after a weekend at her dad’s is “Mommy, I had so much fun with Daddy and his new friend Daisy. She is a professional dancer, and they met when she was dancing for Daddy.” So, a little warning is always a good thing.
Actionable Tips: How to Make the Introduction
Now let us get to the part you have been waiting for. If you have established that, yes, it is time to make the introduction between your kids and your new boyfriend, here are some suggestions:
If your child is in therapy, I recommend speaking to your child’s therapist about factors you should consider that pertain to your son’s or daughter’s needs. The therapist might have insight or best practices that could be applied to your child’s personality, moods, challenges, or other issues surrounding your divorce.
If your child is younger, have your new significant other be a tag-along person on a fun activity—like an amusement park or a trip to the zoo.
- Engage your child without overdoing it so he feels he had a really great day, and hopefully, those fun feelings can start to be associated with your new friend.
- Involve your significant other in a non-intrusive way. He does not need to be the center attraction; rather, allow your child to interact with him in a way where trust and comfort can slowly be built.
- If your children are older, the fun activity might not work with them, and they could see through what you are trying to do (and probably call you on it). Therefore, speak directly with them about your new relationship and let them dictate the terms of what would make them most comfortable when arranging this introduction.
Aida Vazin, LMFT, advises, “I would recommend phasing in a new relationship slowly and gradually. Going through a divorce and change requires an adjustment period for everyone, especially the children. A good way to approach this is to have an open dialogue about this with your children. Ask them how they feel about the whole process. Ask them how they may feel about a new person in their mother’s life. Start introducing the idea that Mom will start dating again, and allow your child to build an acceptance and comfort level with the process. recommend brief conversations, as this kind of conversation, may bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings both from Mom and the children. To go deeper into the conversation, I would recommend involving a counselor as well.”
I agree with Vazin about going slowly. Have patience. While you may be starting to recognize your new man could be a great addition or asset for your family, your child may not appreciate this just yet—it may take time. Although you are understandably enthusiastic about your new partner and all the possibilities this presents, your kid might be in a different place. Take conscious, level-headed steps that support your parent-child relationship and help enable acceptance of your new partner.
You might be ready to embrace the future, but know that your children could still be dealing with trying to achieve a balance between their new reality and what your family looked like in the past. After you get them on board, then maybe you can accomplish the same thing with your ex.
The post Should You Be Dating While Going Through A Divorce? appeared first on Divorced Moms.
No, I’m not dating or looking to date. If I happen to meet someone out there in the big wide world, that’s great! Until then, I’m happy with keeping my TV remote to myself.
The post I’m Single and Have NO Interest in Dating Since my Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.
So many people are terrified about dating again especially after being narcissistically abused.
But is there a way to navigate dating so that you will never be susceptible again?
Is it about ‘where’ to look for a potential mate?
I really don’t believe so – because our fears and wounds find us no matter where we are.
So … therefore what we really need to look at and understand is WHO you are Being whilst dating – the definite steps you need to make to call in a beloved whilst remaining completely Narc Proof!
I love this topic because I’m passionate about people understanding this information.
Many individuals have a huge aversion to purposefully dating – they literally despise spending time going out on dates and meeting potential partners. They may loathe wasting their time with the wrong people, as well as the effort and even the money spent when dating.
Shouldn’t the Universe just deliver your perfect partner to you?
Why date anyway?
I’m going to have so much fun answering these questions very soon!
And what about those of us who have been shredded to pieces by narcissists? Maybe we met these people whilst going out on dates.
Many of us have fallen into relationships with narcissists that nearly claimed our lives, so how can we date and not have that happen again?
That’s another question I can’t wait to answer!
So, stay watching because we are going to get into lots of juicy information today about how to date and align with a beloved, whilst safely weeding out narcissists along the way.
Okay, before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Is Internet Dating Dangerous?
Many narcissistic experts will tell you that Internet dating is dangerous … because people lie, misrepresent, and get all sorts of inside information on you to manipulate you, etc.
This amuses me because people we meet during normal day-to-day interactions can lie and misrepresent themselves too. Your next-door neighbour, who you have known for years, could be a compulsive liar and a total sociopath – yet you don’t know it.
Also, so what if people know what your likes and dislikes are and what you are looking for in a partner? This is not a threat if you are not too needy to be susceptible to being love-bombed and if you have healthy boundaries. Which means that you are ready and capable to confront things that feel uncomfortable and you are prepared to have any necessary difficult conversations.
When we get serious about taking responsibility for our life and being a healthy adult, we don’t connect with people at intimate levels before working out what their integrity and ethics are.
If you are a sensible, whole, together human being, then you won’t let a person into your home, bed and body before it’s healthy to do so.
You also won’t let a stranger come to your house or meet them somewhere that isn’t a public place. And you won’t capitulate to do any of these things, even on a second, third or beyond date, if you don’t feel comfortable to do so.
That’s not being paranoid – it’s being real and caring for and valuing both yourself and other healthy adults. It’s about respecting and valuing yourself to take your time to get to know a potential love interest before trusting them.
Regarding the arguments against internet dating – I believe it is the best opportunity to date for virtually everyone who is no longer in their 20’s.
When you are in your 30’s, 40’s and beyond, where are you going to meet easily the right potential partner? Do you have enough friends with single friends? Are you involved in enough clubs to give you a wide variety of choices? These are the questions you should be considering rather than letting in the first attractive person who turns up.
Are you going to try to meet someone at a nightclub?
There are wonderful people on internet dating and there are narcissists, just as there are both in every aspect of life.
People ask all the time, ‘Which site should I go on?’ If you are after a committed relationship, choose a site that is not about hook-ups. I would strongly suggest also joining one with paid membership, as that is a sign of a more genuine intent. But apart from that, your success comes down to the Quantum Truth – which has nothing to do with everyone else.
It is all about WHO YOU are Being.
There are people on the same sites having dreadful experiences and there are people on these sites having wonderful ones. None of this has anything to do with luck and other members on these sites – it is to do with consciousness and inner personal development.
How to Meet Future Narcissists and How to Avoid Them
Regardless of whether you are on an internet dating site, at a party or a friend’s gathering, or walking around a supermarket or a nightclub, living in fear of who you could meet and NOT being your authentic whole self is your biggest danger point.
We attract what we fear – no difference to someone swerving off the road and being focused on and going straight into a tree.
If we have our traumas and fears stuck inside us, then inevitably we will hide out and avoid potential relationships – which means they are eating us alive anyway. And if we try to find love, we risk someone coming in who matches these internal trapped traumas.
Ironically we will think this person is the saviour of our wounds; that they will take the pain away. But they end up smashing us so hard that there is no avoiding our stuck traumas – the disowned parts of ourselves that we were not previously dealing with and liberating ourselves from.
In matters of love, once we start embracing these fears and have a plan with how to deal with them to FULLY become our radiant power and authentic self, I promise you that narcissists will become repulsive to you. And as the strong, buoyant, self-loving boundary beast that you will be – a narcissist will run away and towards much easier prey.
There will be NO taking you down!
If you want to be this man or woman and if you are with me, write ‘Boundary beast here I come!’ below.
Okay, let’s get into the real meat of this…
Be Ruthless With Rejecting Your Old Pattern
The Field of ‘relationship’ at the Quantum Level brings to us the evidence of our Inner Love Code. So let me be really straight with you about this – if you are trying to look for a different person to have a different experience with, you are in Wrong Town.
YOU need to BE the different person who is now aligned with the Love Experience you seek. So how do you break out of your old Inner Love Code and into the new one you want to have? With self-investigation, complete self-honesty and a devotion to reprogramming your Love Code with diligent inner healing.
Most of us in this community have, or had, an Inner Love Code that doesn’t serve us, and it up to us to up-level from the Inner Code to much healthier realities. Let me explain…
My painful Inner Love Code was making me take part in love relationships with controlling, possessive, jealous men. I didn’t have rights; I didn’t have a voice; and heaven forbid if I chose my passions, freedom or self-expression.
I incessantly put up with being controlled and ‘owned’ like this, terribly.
Thank God I realised the pattern needed to stop – and I needed to be the women who no longer lived it. There were many inner beliefs and traumas I needed to shift so that I would no longer be derailed with guilt or fear by these men, thus handing over my independence and individuality.
I also realised that the men I dated had to have the emotional security to not only allow me to have my own life, interests and success, but also to encourage and support it.
I got very clear and had to do a lot of work on confronting, standing up and no longer tolerating – by leaving – if the old pattern emerged again. I am happy to say now I would not tolerate for ten seconds that behaviour, and it simply does not exist in any shape or form in my love-life today (and hasn’t for many years).
There are many different defunct Love Codes. Yours may be unavailable partners, and so there is no way you would tolerate the engulfing, interrogating twenty text messages a day I used to put up with, all the while telling myself ‘It’s because he loves and misses me so much’. Just as I wouldn’t put up with a man going missing for three days and tell myself ‘Oh he must just be busy.’
Back then, even though I was doing my Love Code extremely unhealthily, I was very clear on unavailable men. If one even looked like being that way I’d say, ‘This is not the kind of relationship I’m after. Are you interested or not? Because if you aren’t, don’t waste my time.’ I had zero tolerance and therefore barely ever came across unavailable people, and when I did I could end these relationship potentials easily.
The truth was I had ZERO attraction to these types.
Just as you may say to a controlling date, ‘Do not think I’m going to tolerate you breathing down my neck every minute of the day. You don’t own me!’ and walk away and never look back.
This is the deal – not only are we attracted to the people who represent our painful Love Code, we also unconsciously collude to keep them going.
I used to believe attached, possessive love meant I was adored and wouldn’t be left (I was terrified about abandonment), so I would make excuses for this behaviour and not lay strong boundaries to it out of the fear of being dumped for not complying.
You may tolerate unavailable partners, because a parent was unavailable and you are used to hanging in there waiting for crumbs of affection and attention. Therefore you will make excuses regarding ‘why’ this person doesn’t have the resources or the desire to commit to you.
Maybe you are distraught about how people who are only interested in sex present in your life, and yet when communicating with people you have an unconscious belief that you have to be sexually attractive enough to have a chance with them.
Maybe unconsciously you have been objectifying yourself, rather than being solid inside regarding your worth and value, and therefore commanding that a potential partner will want to spend time to get to know you rather than sexualise you.
This is the thing, when you get very serious about changing your previous painful Love Code you will go through major discomfort – because getting out of the Love Code takes effort. It takes confronting and healing the parts of ourselves that we may not want to own and be honest about.
I had to get super honest about my fears of abandonment, which were causing me to call in and tolerate engulfers. I had to fully go into that terror inside me, hold it, release it and heal myself beyond it. Otherwise, if I didn’t do this, it was always going to give me every excuse – our brain always makes up stories to justify the fulfilling of the Inner Love Code – to keep gravitating towards these people and hang on to them despite their abuse.
I can’t urge you enough to get serious about fully facing and owning what your painful Love Code is. Do you know what to heal within you to no longer partake in this Love Code? What type of potential partner do you need to say ‘No’ to now – just like an addict needs to give up the drug that has been destroying them? What work will you need to do on yourself so that you reprogram your Inner Love Code to be aligned and attracted to healthy people rather than the old painful pattern?
I promise you, if you do the inner work on your Love Code you will get there. I and so many others have achieved this. Personally, now I find engulfers completely off putting. I have zero attraction to them. Today I am so happy to report that I am with and attracted to a decent, caring man who allows ‘me to be me’.
If you would like to – how about sharing your revelations regarding your Inner Love Code below.
I’d love to hear about them!
Employ Gratitude and Growth from Your Previous Painful Relationships
I think it’s safe to say, all of us in this community have baggage. If we have been narcissistically abused, we have lots of experiences about having our souls and lives torn to shreds.
The question is: how are we dealing with this baggage?
Are we being a victim just ‘going’ through this trauma or are we determined to be a Thriver ‘growing’ through it?
The victim believes someone else has to take their pain away for them and grant them the love, approval, security and survival that they don’t feel they can grant themselves.
I used to feel like this too. It doesn’t work. Rather this is a recipe for ongoing relationships of abuse, victimisation and traumatisation.
It is no one else’s job to heal us – it is our own.
The Thriver accepts that their previous trauma exposed what was as yet not whole within. The Thriver has taken on their own inner development so as to not just escape abusers in the future, but also to up-level themselves to a place of self-love, self-worth and self-generative ability that they have never felt before being abused, even if abuse is all they have ever known.
There is no more positive way to grow beyond patterns of being in abusive and toxic relationships than employing gratitude and growth – because when you do this there is no longer a desire to have other people be a source to ‘self’. It means moving beyond being a damaged inner child in an adult’s body, unconsciously looking for a parent to heal you.
When we accept that we must do the inner work, we can grow up inside and then seek another healthy adult to share a healthy life with.
I really believe it is only this generation now that is waking up to understand that someone else doesn’t complete you. To be with a soul mate there is a necessity to mate your own soul first, otherwise, you will find yourself with yet another cell mate – a person who doesn’t heal your inner wounds for you, but rather grants you the evidence of them.
I promise you with all of my heart, one of the biggest inoculations you will ever have against narcissists whilst dating is to be anchored into your gratitude and growth from your previous experiences.
A narcissist is looking for your weaknesses, your unhealed wounds to hook you with.Victims are easy targets for narcissists, because they talk about what has hurt them in the past thus allowing the narcissists to pretend to be the saviour of it. Then, like a parched human in a desert finding an oasis, the victims are snared and in the narcissists’ clutches.
I promise you this used to happen to me too!
However, when you tell a narcissist that you are focused on self-actualisation, being grateful for you your self-awareness and growth and being committed to your evolution, you may as well be holding up garlic to a vampire.
Narcissists detest authenticity and healthy self-ownership and power.
They truly have to get away from it, because it is such a painful reminder of how they are powerless to affect you. Narcissists can only operate in your experience by using the energy of your wounds against you.
If you completely own them, are grateful for them and have them in hand, there is no way to get hooks into you.
Multiple Date with Real People
I truly mean this…
Think of dating like a sales funnel. You are putting yourself out there to more than one person so that there will be a level of interest expressed possibly by several. Then with each of these people, there is follow up qualifying to see if there is a match in order to connect further.
Ultimately the goal is for a real transaction to take place – in this case, the exclusivity commitment between you and one other person.
I know this sound ‘unromantic’. However, please know dating with multiple potential people can be so healthy and incredibly fulfilling. Imagine meeting lovely people – who you have qualified to have integrity and compatible values to you via emails and a phone call before meeting – and enjoying a glass of wine and a meal whilst conducting yourself like a lady or a gentleman getting to know people at a respectful pace.
It’s great fun! Instead of just hoping to be chosen, it brings you so much growth and development as you experience how you can lay boundaries, have difficult conversations if needing to speak up and ask questions, all the while knowing that you are ascertaining whether or not this person is suitable for you.
In the old days, when I was unhealed and not in my power at all, I was terrified of dating and my experiences with it were horrific. To stop going through such ‘horror‘ and potential ‘torture’, all I wanted to do was grab the first likely candidate. No way could I have contemplated multiple dating, let alone thoroughly enjoying it!
Since learning about myself and dating, and determinedly healing myself from my previous painful Love Code, I have loved dating respectfully. I was looking for a potential suitor with similar values, character and integrity, as well as someone who I was attracted to, to commit to a relationship with.
When I started multiple dating, my current partner showed up very quickly. I believe it was because I was completely clear regarding who I was looking for. Also, I believed in abundance and plenty and I was enjoying the dating process without requiring a set outcome.
Importantly, make sure you get out on a date quickly with someone you are in communication with. Don’t get sucked into a pseudo relationship that doesn’t exist. If someone doesn’t want to meet up, move on to someone who does. And don’t get bogged down with or disappointed by one person. If someone doesn’t work out – it’s not meant to be. Look at it as a chance you’ve been given to heal yet something else within you.
There are plenty more opportunities and blessings from The Field. In fact unlimited, if you keep being the person aligned with and generating your healthy truth.
I truly could go on so much more with this topic, and I can of course in answering your questions!
For those of us who have been narcissistically abused, let’s just go over this again – what I believe are the most important points.
• Do the inner work so that you are not leading with your wounds.
• Ensure you are very clear that from now you firmly say ‘no’ to partaking in your old painful Love Code pattern.
• Be grateful for your evolution and growth, rather than seeking someone to take the pain away.
• Don’t get stuck, disappointed or bogged down on one person.
• Know that you can be authentic and empowered and are no longer needy of instant hook-ups.
• Make sensible decisions regarding aligning with healthy people with integrity, people with whom you take your time to get to know.
Those of you who are NARPing, you have the perfect opportunity whilst dating to meet and release any triggers of fear within, to keep up-levelling and showing up more and more in your power.
This will generate the reality of a relationship with a beloved – someone healthily aligned with your True Self and True Life. Also you can receive guidance from myself and other successful Thriver daters in the NARP Forum to help you get there!
I so hope this video has helped.
If you know it’s time to get started on the realising and healing of your painful Inner Love Code, I can help you powerfully with your first step to generating a beloved mate – simply click this link.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Being a single mother is the most rewarding, yet most trying job placed on a woman. Add dating to the mix and you are ready to throw your hands up in the air and call it quits. Why?
Your child becomes the most important factor in the equation. You don’t want to transform your front door into a turnstile, creating and severing attachments that your child is forming. You also don’t want to place your child in an unimaginable situation by bringing the wrong person around. So what do you do?
How do you tackle the obstacle of dating while also protecting your children?
First, it is important that when dating someone new, they understand this about you and embrace it. Many ask if bringing up a child on the first date is a big “no-no” and the how/when it should be discussed and when the potential suitor should be introduced.
For me, when I used to do match.com, my dating profile said, “Delicious Mom.” I wanted them to know right off the bat that I’m a package deal. So I don’t think you need to hide the fact that you are a mom whatsoever. I don’t think it’s a big no-no whatsoever. I think if you dominate the conversation talking about your children and nothing else, then you aren’t really a woman you’re just a mom. You are more than that; however, I get the importance of your children.
So I’d say just be real and up front. There’s nothing to resist; there is nothing to hide. Going into this conversation like it is something wrong makes it like there’s this big speed bump in front of you that you have to get over. Just level it. Just be you.
Your children are the most important things in the world to you. There is nothing to apologize about, it’s just how it is. Talk about other things that are the most important thing in the world to you–living your truth, your heart, what brings you joy, just anything. Just be a woman and be all of you.
Then, when you are completely authentic and you’re not overcompensating, hiding, or just doing the dance, you meet someone that is just like, “the most important thing in the world to you, that’s awesome.” When you meet someone like that then there is just a fit.
There isn’t a specific “timeline.” I think when you are dating someone exclusively and not dating other people and you’re thinking “I wanna see where this goes with him.” That is the time when I would introduce them. I would introduce your children to him in a non-pressure way, maybe out on a playdate or at a park with other people.
When you’re all out at dinner and you’re all looking at each other, there is nowhere else to look. This can be really intense. There can be a lot of pressure on both of them. So, just make it easy and fun. See how everybody gets along in a very non-pressured way.
In my experience, when someone is a good person for you they tend to bring the best out in you and your children. I’ve also had a client who was dating this woman and his two daughters did not like her at all. Yet, when I looked deeper with him on the coaching call, she wasn’t actually a fit. This is just my opinion but they were bringing to light what he was unwilling to see in the first place.
As you love your most important things in the world, your children, you make room for you to be loved and room for another masculine figure to gift your son in this world.
The post How Do You Tackle Dating While Also Protecting Your Children? appeared first on Divorced Moms.
If I had my way the word “date” would not be part of the English language. There would be a less stressful way of finding a future mate. What, I don’t know, but definitely less stressful. The “dating game” and the mechanics of it set most of us up to make this one huge mistake…appearing desperate.
In Dating Is The Worst Way To Find Love And We Should All Stop Doing It, Jessica Blankenship pretty much says it all up.
Look, I don’t care how perfectly self-aware and secure you are, when you focus too much attention on how you’re coming off to someone else, especially if you’re attracted to that person, you’re going to f#@k it up. Somehow. You’re going to be a little too calculating with your words and actions, a little too nervous, and then a little too boastful to compensate for it, and then self-deprecating to compensate for the arrogance (and you’re not even typically an arrogant person! WTF is this date doing to you?) and by the end of the night, you’re back at home with a nauseating certainty that the lovely person you just shared a meal with has the completely wrong impression of you and you pretty much want to die.
We try desperately to make a great first impression. To such a degree that we can’t help but come off desperate in our search for new love. And, let’s face it, desperation stinks! So, to keep the odor down and the crazy at bay below are a few suggestions for those who want to start enjoying dating after divorce and possibly finding a new relationship.
You Don’t Want to Make These Mistakes When Dating After Divorce
1. Persistent Talking Is a No, No:
A solid relationship will take time to form. In other words, you’ve got plenty of time to tell your life story if you’ve made a match. It doesn’t have to be done on the first date. And, if it isn’t done on the first date you’ve got a better chance at a second date.
Relax, chill out and keep somethings to yourself. Don’t talk about your high conflict divorce, your dysfunctional childhood or that nuisance of a co-worker you deal with daily. We all have baggage we lug around but it’s best if you don’t unpack any of it on a first date.
Live your dates in the moment. Focus on your surroundings, activities and the person you are with. You will find plenty to talk about by making the choice to talk about the “here and now.”
2. Keep Your Scary Skeletons In The Closet:
Seriously, no one wants to know how many times your ex cheated on you before they get to know YOU. Did you spend a night in Juvie at sixteen or, shoplift a lip gloss at twelve? We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, most of us have done something a bit sketchy in our past. Save it for the third or fourth date when you are more certain of how they will respond.
3. Don’t Drop Your Standards:
When thinking about a future mate or a new love relationship we all have a list of “must haves.” Traits like honesty, security, work ethic, physical attraction, compatibility, and intelligence. The desperate dater, the one who feels they are kissing a lot of toads and not coming up with a prince may be tempted to lower their standards.
Someone who is not worthy of you, knows they are not worthy of you. They know you are settling for less than you want and need and will take advantage of that weakness.
For example, I have a friend who just broke up with her “boyfriend.” She dated this man for seven months. During those seven months, he had never picked up a dinner tab or paid for her drinks. He never called ahead to schedule a date either. He would text or call at the last moment wanting to meet for drinks or dancing.
He was a “busy” scientist who traveled a lot for work, she was a lonely divorcee who wanted attention and company. He played on her desperation and she allowed herself to believe that someone who was using her for a booty call was a “boyfriend.” When she learned he was a scientist who wasn’t “busy” or traveling but married, she ended the relationship and reevaluated what it was about herself that allowed her to lower her standards.
4. Don’t Be Too Available:
This is a mistake my friend made. If you are ready to go out with thirty minutes notice for a “date” what message are you sending the other person? Don’t allow anyone to believe that you can be their afterthought or last minute “go to” when bored or other plans fall through.
Unless you are in an established relationship with this person set a pattern that lets them know you are worthy of making plans with days in advance. If you don’t, you’ll never move beyond the “afterthought” phase of a relationship.
5. Don’t Complain About Being Single:
Want to put your date in their place, really let them know why you are there in the first place…to find a new mate, complain about being single. Yeah, do that and there definitely won’t be a second date. You may be seeking empathy but you aren’t likely to get it from someone if they feel the date is an audition for the role of future husband/wife.
6. Contact Overkill:
If a first and second date goes well, it’s important to keep in touch but it is possible to go overboard. Emailing, calling and texting two or three times a day is a good way to scare off someone with potential. Nothing says, “Borderline stalker” like constant texting or calling. Back away from the iPhone!
7. Not Create Some Space:
Last, but certainly not least create space between your life and a new relationship. If you get lucky and make a great connection with a date don’t become consumed by that person and the new relationship. The goal is to find someone new to share your life with, not to make the new relationship your entire life.
You have your own life and they have theirs. The point is to come together and create something that is beneficial to both parties…your life plus a little something new.
Dating, as daunting as it is, is the main way most will find a new relationship. New relationships have natural phases, there is a beginning, a middle and if you are lucky, a “happily ever after.” Desperation causes some to rush through those natural phases which, in turn, works against them finding the “one” they long to meet. Relax, don’t come on too strong and enjoy dating. Doing so will promote the goal of finding new love.
The post Don’t Make These 7 Mistakes When Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.
You didn’t expect to wind up back in the dating pool when you exchanged vows in front of your family and friends. Now you are alone again and longing for a new relationship. Whether you are happy or sad about it, it’s definitely not easy.
Are you still hoping to find love again? If so, don’t despair.
There is a great chance of finding just the right partner for you. In order to get to that goal, you will most likely have to go on a few dates.
Avoid these 8 dating mistakes in order to give yourself the best chance of dating success.
1. Not taking time to heal is one of the costliest dating mistakes
This is one of the most important dating mistakes that you need to avoid. Due to feeling panicky, you may wind up jumping into the dating pool right after your divorce in order to reassure yourself that you will not spend the rest of the life alone. This, however, can lead to fiascos and disappointments and make you feel even worse. There are three aspects of emotional healing that you should address prior to considering dating after divorce. This will help you avoid many other dating mistakes.
- Finishing emotional business with your ex
- Figuring out what you are about and what you truly want
- Reflect on your part in issues in your past relationships
2. Being coy in terms of what you truly want can deter good men
I’ve seen many women in the dating scene trying to fit in and avoid showing their true colors. This is not because they are fake, bad personalities, or liars. Many women are influenced by societal norms to think that they are not good enough the way they are. They’ve read articles that say “Don’t come across as too desperate to hop into another relationship.”
So, they go on dates being shy to express what they are truly after, a committed, loving relationship. And, you shouldn’t be too desperate. But, dating should be purposeful. This is the place to show your true authentic self so that you can find a guy who will be thrilled to be with you.
Avoid this dating mistake by being clear and assertive about what you are after. This exudes confidence and helps you eliminate the guys that are not on the same path as you are. Men love this anyhow.
3. Taking the dating process too seriously leads to high expectations
This dating mistake can lead to making you feel and possibly come across as desperate. Dating is meant to be fun. Although your goal is to find a life partner, your agenda for a specific date is to have fun, enjoy dinner, and getting to know the person you are meeting. With this approach, you will feel less anxious and you will be able to pick up important information about your date. You will be able to get a better sense of how this particular man relates to you.
4. Not dating more than one person at the time
If you date only one man, you don’t get a chance to open yourself up to various opportunities. This dating mistake can lead you to put all your eggs in a wrong basket. Consider dating as a job interview where you are the interviewer who is selecting the candidates. Think about how many candidates a company interviews for a position. You are selecting a life partner. I think you get the picture.
5. Jumping too quickly into another committed relationship
Committing too early can strip away the joy that comes with initial courtship. Why not allow this process to unfold naturally? Put some brakes on. Allow the men who are courting you prove to you that they are worthy of your heart and commitment. Doing so will allow you to make an informed decision regarding your lifetime partner. When you allow more time to pass, you will be able to see the guy in potential crises situations and how he reacts to your ups and downs, etc.
It’s reassuring to see when he is able to handle these kinds of situations with grace. After all, you are not seeking to have just any relationship, but you are seeking to find the one that you will be stoked about.
6. Expecting that happiness will come one day when you find “the right one.”
Going on dates with this mindset will only turn away good prospects. Remember, the law of attraction? If you are happy, you are more likely to attract and be attracted to a happy person. If you are not basically happy within yourself, it’s not likely that your relationship will be a happy one. Besides, this expectation puts a great deal of burden on another person and it leads to failure. The quest for making someone else happy can’t be fulfilled and relationships based on this attraction (depressed person and someone who will rescue and make them happy) often lead to frustration.
7. Giving up too early if you don’t see initial sparks
This dating mistake stems from the notion that we need to have an epic initial attraction in order to continue dating someone. You have to remember that you are not 17 anymore. With divorce under your belt and your hormones being more mature, you may not be able to have the same kinds of reactions as when you were younger. This is a good thing actually. Being less excitable will allow you to build a bond based on deeper attraction and compatibility.
So, give it a chance. See how it develops. Enjoy the friendship and dating the person for a while before you throw in the towel.
8. Being stuck on the same selection criteria as when you were in your 20t’s
You did your best to find the right partner for your marriage when you were young. You two seemed like the perfect pair and everyone wondered why you divorced. Usually, when we are getting married the first time when we are young, we rely on specific criteria. We want to find a compatible partner, and we look into his education, job, looks, cultural background, etc. These are very important aspects, but it’s evident that we may not be a good match in spite of all these aspects aligning well.
At this point in your life, what matters is that you can have a good supportive friendship and that you can enjoy spending a lot of time together. This discussion goes back to healing process where you determine what works for you at this time of life. You’ve changed who you are, and you will not have the same values in life. Even if your new partner is not on the same academic level as you are, you two may be able to have the most interesting stimulating conversations and a great emotional connection.
Avoid these dating mistakes if you want to have a successful dating life after divorce. Start with healing, and when you are emotionally ready to date, enjoy the process of dating without too serious agenda. Go get to know people and have fun!
The post 8 Dating Mistakes To Avoid When Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.
So, you’ve done everything you need to get your dating profile ready for the world. You’ve touched up and perfected your bio, you’ve taken the perfect selfies, and you might even have a couple of matches already lined up to start chatting with; but then comes the biggest obstacle of them all; what are you supposed to say?
Easily the most difficult part of online dating is figuring out what to say, which can be a lot different to face-to-face conversations because it’s through a screen, and hey, what are you supposed to say?
Today, we’re going to be taking a look into everything you need to know to help kickstart your online dating conversations.
1. Start Strong
It’s a well-known fact that sending a traditional and bland ‘hey’ or ‘hi’ is not the best way to start a conversation online and will probably end up getting your messages ignored. This is because, unlike in real life, you have information you can work with from their profile, so give it a spin.
“Start off with something nice, like ‘hey, how are you?’, or say hello in another language, and then including something from their profile. Don’t be too forward, aggressively flirty, or too complimentary, it just doesn’t seem to work” explains Danny Mac, a relationship blogger at Writemyx and 1Day2Write.
2. Use Profile Information
Not sure on what to say? There’s a whole load of information on the person you’re speaking too in their profile, so read it and show that you’re interested in them. Of course, this will depend on what’s written there, but feel free to ask a question about something, or say how amazing something is that they’ve done or how you’d love to do that thing.
3. Write Complete Messages
Writing single, one-sentence messages with not a lot of detail isn’t going to grab anyone’s attention and it’s certainly not going to get an interesting and engaging reply that you’re going to want to respond to.
Instead, don’t be afraid to hold back. In the past, I’ve sent messages that have breached the dating app word-limit twice and managed to get an interesting and detailed response back which really helps to drive the conversation forward.
“This is great for so many reasons because not only is there a ton of stuff for you to talk about, it also shows you’re proactive and willing to have a conversation to actually get to know the person, rather than just mindlessly wasting time and chatting” shares Jack Harper, a lifestyle writer and editor for Britstudent and Australia2write.
4. Be Personable and Concise
You’re both on a dating website, so there’s no real reason to hold back and not say what you think. Saying lines like ‘your profile made me smile’, ‘reading your profile, I think we’d get on really well’, or even something like ‘I think we’d make a really great pair’, is a great way to start. After all, you both swiped to match with each other.
Also, make sure you’re writing proper sentences and using proper grammar to talk. Talking in broken sentences with typos and mistakes can put people off.
5. Be Yourself
People are going to want to date you because they like your personality, so you need to make sure you’re showcasing this in your messages! This relates directly to every point we’ve listed above, and you need to make sure you’re not generic, and you’re actually yourself.
Of course, this is much more difficult than if you were talking in person because you’re using written words which can sometimes be hard to show emotion and feeling in what you’re saying, but if you don’t know, then this is never going to happen.
Talk about books or movies you like, talk about your profile pictures, talk about your passions and interests. Talk about your neighborhood whatever you want that represents you.
As you can see, there are lots of things to think about when it comes to writing your first messages on your dating app. Remember, just be yourself and the person you are, because if you’re not, the relationship is never going to work anyway. The right person who clicks will come along in time!
The post 5 Tips To Help Kickstart Your Online Dating Conversations appeared first on Divorced Moms.
Dating after a divorce is both an exciting and difficult game for women. After years of marriage, going back to the dating game can be a daunting task. I know. After 18 years of marriage, 15 happy years and 3 years of hell, my divorce was finalized last year. Here’s what I learned out in the field of post-divorce relationships.
Times have changed and it’s a bit of a pain to prepare what to wear or what to say. But with dating apps all within your hand’s reach, meeting new people shouldn’t be a burden after all.
Many women feel reluctant to date after going through a divorce. The pain of the process may make them aloof of relationships, while others needed more time to heal. Many divorced moms tend to feel vulnerable at this point. One reason is that they used to have a spouse to protect them and there are children to consider.
Love is tough, but you don’t have to shut yourself out of the world. Dating again can make you feel alive and happy. You just have to know how to step out into the field again.
A 6 Step Field Guide To Dating After Divorce
1. Determine if you’re ready
Are you pressured by friends? Or are you emotionally and mentally ready? If you feel more of the latter, congratulations! You’re finally prepared to explore new relationships.
Don’t rush yourself into another relationship just to compensate for the emotional longing your former spouse left in you. Regardless if you’re in Year 1 or Year 5, being prepared is a case by case basis. Some take time while others get back up faster. And guess what, it’s all normal and okay.
If the idea of dating makes you feel off, it means you’re not yet ready. Give yourself more time.
2. Accept that you’re afraid
You don’t have to pretend that you’re a tough cookie just to date again. Accept that you’re afraid, your marriage has failed, and that you’re willing to start again.
It’s totally fine to “mourn” your failed relationship. However, don’t beat yourself up too much. It’s true that divorce may feel like an upheaval or betrayal, but you shouldn’t let yourself be consumed by negative thinking.
If you think you’re prepared, take a step forward and gamble with the idea of meeting and welcoming new people into your life.
3. Know what your intentions are
Before you go back to the dating game, ask yourself first, “what’s my intention of dating again?” If it’s to seek revenge on your ex, forget about it. It can be looking for a life-long partner, a short-term relationship that may lead to something, or purely for fun.
This intention will guide you on how you’ll deal with people while dating.
4. Join dating apps
Gone are the days when you’ll rely on someone else’s friend just to meet a new guy. You should decide first what kind of dating app you’ll want to join in. Are you into casual encounters without serious commitments or more of a serious meet-up thing?
If your end goal is to become sexually active, there are many sex dating apps that you can join in. However, take note that most men and women here have the end goal of being laid alone.
In case this isn’t what’s in your mind, it’s better to hop into casual dating apps. It always boils down to your intention of dating. As you see, it will determine how you will deal with a possible relationship: are you just testing the waters or looking for a life-long partner?
5. Learn from your mistakes
Now that you’ve decided to jump into the dating game, there’s one thing that divorce will teach you: learn from your mistakes.
Admit that you’ve committed mistakes from your past marriage. It might be bitter, but this will be your guiding light so you won’t repeat it on your next relationship.
Figure out what caused you to lose your husband or partner. Have you been too possessive? Have you lacked the intimate aspect? Each divorcee will have her own story.
6. Don’t stick to online contact
Once you’ve met someone online, don’t drag the communication on the web. Meet up after two or three weeks so you’ll know if the feelings or intentions are mutual. Is he someone just planning to get laid? Or is he someone looking for a partner for life?
It’s easy to fantasize over someone you met online. This is why it’s better to meet the person as soon as possible to check where the two of you are in terms of your relationship.
Still, practice caution: tell a friend where you’re going and invite the person to a public place first.
Remember that dating is a numbers game. About 4 out of 5 people you’ve dated will walk away. When this happens, don’t wallow into self-doubt. Just move forward and keep dating until you find your perfect match.