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love and support during divorce

Take Advantage Of Grandparents Who Want to Share Their Love And Support During Divorce

love and support during divorce

 

One of your biggest assets during and after divorce can be your children’s grandparents – on both sides of the family. Don’t let these grandparents get caught in the drama between you and your former spouse because it’s usually the children that suffer the loss.

In most cases, grandparents love their grandchildren. While they want to help in any way they can, many grandparents are afraid to get involved. They don’t know how to ease the hurt, confusion and other emotions affecting the grandkids as well as their own adult children.

Since every divorce is unique there are no cookie-cutter solutions or steps for grandparents to follow.

But here are some guidelines to help you reach out to the grandparents who want to share their love and support during divorce.

If the grandparents haven’t been close to the kids before your divorce, post-divorce is a difficult time to develop a relationship. But if grandma and grandpa already have that bond established, it’s important to keep the love connection at this time when the children are facing so many unknowns.

When communication and trust are strong between grandparents and grandchildren it’s easier to bring up challenging issues for a chat. Children who are comfortable in their relationship with their grandparents are more likely to confide their frustrations, fears, and insecurities in them. Of course, it’s always more effective for grandparents to offer advice once the kids ask or bring the subject up. Then the elders can share their love and wisdom in an age-appropriate manner. But G-ma and G-pa can also ask questions and initiate conversations if they’re mindful of how the kids are feeling and responding.

One important word of caution: If grandparents want to discuss issues regarding divorce or other life challenges, it is essential that they discuss this subject first with you and your former spouse to get permission in advance!

It’s never a grandparent’s place to interfere if they are not welcome — tempting as it may be. So bring up the topic you want them to talk about with the grandkids first. Explain your concern on behalf of the children, and what message you’d like the grandparents to share with them. If G-ma and G-pa understand and respect your values, then encourage them to give it their best shot.

Should a child be resistant to the conversation, grandparents should not push the issue. They are better off retreating into safer territory. If the children do confide in their grandparents, advise the elders not to make judgments about either parent to the kids. Instead, have them listen, offering comforting support and embraces. Then encourage the grandparents to talk with you and your ex about ways they believe they can provide healing, reassurance, and support to your children during this difficult time.

If the subjects that come up are complex, advise the grandparents you will be bringing in professional counselors to handle the situation with all involved. Therapists and divorce coaches are trained to handle heavy emotional and psychological issues. So leave it in their hands. You want grandparents to be loved as the caring family they are – not as a therapist or judge!

If the grandparents are unaware of the emotional turmoil the divorce or other challenges is taking on their grandchildren, schedule time to talk with them. You can bring articles, websites and other valuable resources about how children can be adversely affected by family drama and share that during your conversation. Have some positive and concrete suggestions regarding how they can help, if possible. Don’t criticize or blame your ex. Focus on their love for the kids. Don’t accuse, judge, dismiss or demean their grandparenting style. Remind them your family is not unique and that most families coping with divorce face similar issues.

Remind the grandparents how much their support means to you so they don’t overlook their relationship with the kids following the divorce, especially if relocation or other major changes are in the works. Children need, want and value the safety and reassurance of their grandparents’ love. Let G-ma and G-pa be there for their grandchildren as a positive asset in the children’s adjustment to divorce and other challenges now and for a long time to come.

The post Take Advantage Of Grandparents Who Want to Share Their Love And Support During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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field guide to dating after divorce

A Woman’s Field Guide To Dating After Divorce

field guide to dating after divorce

 

Dating after a divorce is both an exciting and difficult game for women. After years of marriage, going back to the dating game can be a daunting task. I know. After 18 years of marriage, 15 happy years and 3 years of hell, my divorce was finalized last year. Here’s what I learned out in the field of post-divorce relationships.

Times have changed and it’s a bit of a pain to prepare what to wear or what to say. But with dating apps all within your hand’s reach, meeting new people shouldn’t be a burden after all.

Many women feel reluctant to date after going through a divorce. The pain of the process may make them aloof of relationships, while others needed more time to heal. Many divorced moms tend to feel vulnerable at this point. One reason is that they used to have a spouse to protect them and there are children to consider.

Love is tough, but you don’t have to shut yourself out of the world. Dating again can make you feel alive and happy. You just have to know how to step out into the field again.

A 6 Step Field Guide To Dating After Divorce

1. Determine if you’re ready

Are you pressured by friends? Or are you emotionally and mentally ready? If you feel more of the latter, congratulations! You’re finally prepared to explore new relationships.

Don’t rush yourself into another relationship just to compensate for the emotional longing your former spouse left in you. Regardless if you’re in Year 1 or Year 5, being prepared is a case by case basis. Some take time while others get back up faster. And guess what, it’s all normal and okay.

If the idea of dating makes you feel off, it means you’re not yet ready. Give yourself more time.

2. Accept that you’re afraid

You don’t have to pretend that you’re a tough cookie just to date again. Accept that you’re afraid, your marriage has failed, and that you’re willing to start again.

It’s totally fine to “mourn” your failed relationship. However, don’t beat yourself up too much. It’s true that divorce may feel like an upheaval or betrayal, but you shouldn’t let yourself be consumed by negative thinking.

If you think you’re prepared, take a step forward and gamble with the idea of meeting and welcoming new people into your life.

3. Know what your intentions are

Before you go back to the dating game, ask yourself first, “what’s my intention of dating again?” If it’s to seek revenge on your ex, forget about it. It can be looking for a life-long partner, a short-term relationship that may lead to something, or purely for fun.

This intention will guide you on how you’ll deal with people while dating.

4. Join dating apps

Gone are the days when you’ll rely on someone else’s friend just to meet a new guy. You should decide first what kind of dating app you’ll want to join in. Are you into casual encounters without serious commitments or more of a serious meet-up thing?

If your end goal is to become sexually active, there are many sex dating apps that you can join in. However, take note that most men and women here have the end goal of being laid alone.

In case this isn’t what’s in your mind, it’s better to hop into casual dating apps. It always boils down to your intention of dating. As you see, it will determine how you will deal with a possible relationship: are you just testing the waters or looking for a life-long partner?

5. Learn from your mistakes

Now that you’ve decided to jump into the dating game, there’s one thing that divorce will teach you: learn from your mistakes.

Admit that you’ve committed mistakes from your past marriage. It might be bitter, but this will be your guiding light so you won’t repeat it on your next relationship.

Figure out what caused you to lose your husband or partner. Have you been too possessive? Have you lacked the intimate aspect? Each divorcee will have her own story.

6. Don’t stick to online contact

Once you’ve met someone online, don’t drag the communication on the web. Meet up after two or three weeks so you’ll know if the feelings or intentions are mutual. Is he someone just planning to get laid? Or is he someone looking for a partner for life?

It’s easy to fantasize over someone you met online. This is why it’s better to meet the person as soon as possible to check where the two of you are in terms of your relationship.

Still, practice caution: tell a friend where you’re going and invite the person to a public place first.

Remember that dating is a numbers game. About 4 out of 5 people you’ve dated will walk away. When this happens, don’t wallow into self-doubt. Just move forward and keep dating until you find your perfect match.

The post A Woman’s Field Guide To Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Tax Issues in Divorce

Tax Issues in Divorce

Its tax time and the new tax law changed things. These articles can help you out.

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fear of the unknown after divorce

How To Overcome The Fear Of The Unknown After Divorce

fear of the unknown after divorce

 

All most everybody worries about what will happen in the future after they get divorced. The prospect of not knowing if something good or bad will happen in the near future can produce a lot of fear and anxiety.

As a result, here is a list of techniques and suggestions on how to manage the fear of the unknown after divorce.

1. No one can predict the future with one hundred percent certainty. It is impossible to predict what may or may not happen in the future because there are kinds of circumstances and factors that you can’t predict which can be used to your advantage. For instance, let’s say at your place of work that you miss the deadline for a project you have been working on for the last few months. Everything you feared is coming true.

Suddenly, your boss comes to your office and tells you that the deadline is extended and that he forgot to tell you the day before. This unknown factor changes everything. Remember that we may be ninety-nine percent correct in predicting the future, but all it takes is for that one percent to make a world of difference.

2. A lot of times, our worrying can make the problem even worse. All the worrying in the world will not change anything. All you can do is to do your best each day, hope for the best, and when something does happen, take it in stride.  If you have trouble moving forward after a divorce, then talking to a someone can be of great help. There are ways to help manage your fear of the future and all it takes is some effort to find those answers.

3. Focus on one day at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week or coming month, try to focus on today. Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with your problems. When the time comes, hopefully, you will have learned the skills to deal with your situation.

4. Create goals in your life. Set achievable goals on a regular basis and then take small steps to accomplish them. Make sure your goals are measurable and monitor your progress. Don’t get upset if you don’t accomplish all of your goals. You can always change your goals so that you can be more successful as you move forward after your divorce.

5. Talk to others on a regular basis. It is important that you talk to others in order to get a better perspective of your life. Listening to other people’s challenges and accomplishments can go a long way in feeling better about yourself. You can also learn how to overcome the obstacles in your life after your divorce.

6. Remember your successes. Some people downplay their successes and focus on those things they struggle with. Always remind yourself of your past accomplishments no matter how small they may be.  Stop focusing on what may happen down the road and remember your past achievements. This will give you the confidence to move forward.

7. Don’t dwell on your negative thoughts and feelings. A person must not dwell or focus on their fearful thoughts and emotions when getting their life back on track after a divorce. The more a person tries to reason out their thoughts the worse you will feel. Instead of thinking negatively, read some positive statements from your favorite self-help book or focus on doing something you like to do. If you still have trouble then talking to a counselor could help.

8. Finally, always be persistent as you move forward. Do not give up in achieving what you want out of your life. Learn from your mistakes and try to improve your situation. Do not make excuses on why you should quit or give up. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to be successful. The key is to keep at it until you get what you want. Eventually, you will find the happiness you are looking for if you remain persistent and dedicated in overcoming anything that is in your way.

The post How To Overcome The Fear Of The Unknown After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Why High Conflict Divorce Damages Children

Why High Conflict Divorce Damages Children

Excerpt from Children and Divorce “Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.”  Dr. Phil According to statistics, two-thirds of children who reach the age of 18 can expect to live in a divorced home. Divorce causes children to lose something that is crucial to their development, “the family framework”. The […]

The post Why High Conflict Divorce Damages Children appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Surviving Your First Valentine’s Day After Divorce

Surviving Your First Valentine’s Day After Divorce

The first Valentine’s Day after divorce can be a painful reminder of loss and loneliness. Here are some tips to get through it.

The post Surviving Your First Valentine’s Day After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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fear of being alone after divorce

8 Tips To Help You Overcome The Fear Of Being Alone After Divorce

fear of being alone after divorce

 

Many people who are going through a divorce struggle with the fear of being alone. A person can feel alone when going through a divorce and once their divorce becomes final. It can be challenging to go from being married to living by yourself with nobody around.

As a result, here are 8 tips on overcoming the fear of being alone after divorce.

Give It Some Time.  When you get divorced, you will feel lonely at first and things will seem different. The good news is that things do get better as time goes by. You will gradually get used to being on your own and you will eventually get into a routine on getting your life back on track. The key is to not rush things and to take it one day at a time.

Do Some Volunteer Work.  One good way to overcome your loneliness is to do some community service. Getting involved by helping others will make you feel better and is a great way to meet other people. Go to your local church or community center to see what kinds of volunteer activities are available in your community.

Spend Time With Animals. Spending time with an animal or pet can help you to feel better. Animals can be a great source of companionship and they can help uplift your spirits. Animals are a great way to prevent loneliness and many of them need your help. Animals can be of good company to all of us whether we are alone or not.  Go visit a local animal shelter to see what volunteer opportunities are available.

Develop Some Goals In Your Life. When you are feeling lonely, you need to do something besides focusing on the fact that you are alone. Developing goals in your life will help you to keep busy instead of worrying about your problems. Once you accomplish your goals, you will feel better about yourself. Having a sense of purpose can really help you in countering the fear of being alone.

Do Something You Like To Do. Find people of similar interests to help increase your chances of making friends. Go join the local golf club if you like to golf or go to the gym. Meeting people with similar interests will make it easier to make friends because you will both have something in common. It will also make it easy to develop friendships with others who share your interests.

Do not rush into getting into a serious relationship. Some people who get divorced sometimes are in a rush to get into another serious relationship. This can lead a person to make bad choices without thinking things through. Take the time to learn from your mistakes in your past relationships and give it some time before committing to another serious relationship.

Things Do Change. Remember that just because you are not married does not mean that you will be alone for the rest of your life. People come and go and you will develop new relationships with other people. The key is to be the best person you can be and just be yourself. You will feel a lot better about yourself if you stay active and make the effort to make new friends.

Lastly, Talk To A Mental Health Counselor. If possible, talk to a professional counselor who can help you manage your loneliness after a divorce. A counselor can give you many tips on how to overcome your loneliness and can help you get your life back on track. Talking to a counselor will help make the transition from being married to being divorced a lot easier.

The post 8 Tips To Help You Overcome The Fear Of Being Alone After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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realities of divorce for women

The Emotional And Financial Realities Of Divorce For Women

realities of divorce for women

 

The emotional and financial effects of divorce can extend, 2, 4, 8 or longer, years into the future. How long your recovery takes depends on what stage of the emotional process you are in when the decision to divorce is made.

Since divorce is not normally a decision both spouses come to together it makes sense that one spouse will be further along in the emotional process than the other. You may both go through the legal process of divorce at the same time but how you are feeling emotionally will vary.

It only makes sense that the spouse choosing to divorce will have a better chance of recovering more quickly both emotionally and financially.

The Realities Of Divorce For Women

Below is a look at some common divorce statistics pertaining to women and divorce:

  1. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men
  2. 90 percent of divorced mothers have custody of their children (even if they did not receive it in court)
  3. 60 percent of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children
  4. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200
  5. 65 percent of divorced mothers receive no child support (figure based on all children who could be eligible, including never-married parents, when fathers have custody, and parents without court orders); 75% receive court-ordered child support (and rising since the inception of uniform child support guidelines, mandatory garnishment, and license renewal suspension)
  6. Women who work and place their children in childcare experience a greater stigma than men in the same position. Men in the same position often attract support and compassion.

Let’s look at divorce from the woman’s perspective. She will fare better emotionally because more often than not she is the one who has already distanced herself emotionally from the marriage and her husband. That means less work to do on the emotional front!

On the other hand, divorced women end up with most of the child-rearing responsibilities, have a greater chance of living in poverty and only about 75% actually receive the child support their ex is ordered to pay. In other words, no divorced mom has ever lived on child support alone.

This knowledge should motivate you to get your financial ducks in a row before leaving the financial stability that marriage has to offer. If you are a stay-at-home mother who has been out of the workforce, getting back to work and building a career will keep you and your children from suffering financial hardship after the divorce and being dependent on a man you no longer wish to be married to.

Emotional Realities of Divorce For Women

Although women and children are more likely to suffer financially post-divorce, women will more quickly adjust to being single again than men. This is a good thing because; if you fail to prepare yourself financially you are going to need all your emotional energy to deal with the financial issues.

So what is in store for men on the emotional front? They are 10 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce and the ones who do are often depressed and remarry quickly to cope with the depression. In other words, men don’t fare as well on the emotional front as women when it comes to accommodating and adjusting to divorce.

A man who is left is most likely to extend the stress level of both spouses in an attempt to reconcile the marriage. And, once that doesn’t happen is more likely to become angry and vindictive in response to the loss of the marriage and time with his children.

But, his emotional lot in life will be made easier by the fact that he will be better off financially than his ex.

My suggestion for women, although your decision to divorce is most likely based on how you feel emotionally do not fail to take into consideration the financial implications of your decision. And don’t take your first steps toward a divorce before you have gotten all your financial “ducks in a row.”

There is a myth floating around that women receive alimony, the assets are split equitably and that an ex will be held responsible if he doesn’t pay. Nothing could be further from the truth; once you are divorced an ex-husband may have a court order to pay alimony and child support but, will he?

These are all things women should consider when considering divorce. Emotionally you will do well according to statistics. Financially you may suffer according to statistics. Both things to seriously consider before moving forward with a divorce you may regret.

The post The Emotional And Financial Realities Of Divorce For Women appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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I’m A Hopeless Romantic Going Through Divorce On Valentine’s Day

I’m A Hopeless Romantic Going Through Divorce On Valentine’s Day

Sad Valentine.jpg

A Hopeless Romantic Going Through Divorce On Valentine’s Day

 

Love. Romance, Weddings. Valentine’s Day. These joyous, heart-filling, happy-tear inducing things have always been my things. I’m the kind of woman who cries at rom-coms, who believes in happy endings.

When I met and fell in love with the man who was to become my husband, I was blissfully happy. I got married dressed in white, flowers in my hair, full of hope.

Life’s unexpected cruelty put a sudden stop to the dreams I had for our marriage. The painful reality of a disappearing husband, a man headed for the exit just seven months after we wed, has been excruciating. My notions of love have been put to the test.

My present reality – going through a divorce, living across the city from my soon to be ex-husband – is not one that a romantic soul like me could have ever envisioned.

Rom-coms with picture perfect white wedding endings now hurt more than they comfort. I recently turned down the opportunity to read a love poem at my cousin’s wedding; it was difficult to imagine reading it without crying. Weddings are hard right now, and self-care during this time of limbo between marriage and divorce is priority number one.

And now it’s Valentine’s Day, one of my favorite days of the year. Tending to the healing of my broken heart as I currently am is a full-time job. So what am I to do with Valentine’s Day, this day full of love? Well, one option is that I can stay home with my cat, ruminating on and reminiscing about last Valentine’s Day when I was on vacation with my husband and family, chocolate shaped hearts on our hotel pillows. This option doesn’t feel healthy to me.

The other choice is to remember who I am.

I’m a romantic. I believe in love! Valentine’s Day is a day -THE day – for people who believe in love.

It’s not such a difficult decision. I choose option two because Valentine’s Day was made for people like me – the poets and dreamers of this world.

I choose option two because, despite my grief, I know that love is not a one-shot deal. I’ve had not one but two powerful, life-changing loves in my life; I know the power and joy that love can bring. And of course, I also know the pain – I’m 40 and grappling with a divorce I didn’t want from a man I was very much in love with. I know that life changes with love – sometimes, sadly, for the worse, but usually for the better. So I have to remember this and I have to move forward. There’s no other choice.

I have to believe that this brand new decade will bring another big love to me, that surely there has to be more love for me down the road. I have to believe that being a divorcee will not be where my story ends, that life has several chapters; that I’m on a journey and this chapter is but one in a long book. Being a romantic, these beliefs are core to who I am. The sadness I feel about my short-lived marriage can’t preclude me from having hope for the future –optimism of spirit is an inescapable part of who I am as a person.

I’m not yet ready to look for someone new – I’m still in that difficult place of grief; I’m still dealing with emails from divorce lawyers and there are still a lot of tears because of the dreams that were abruptly taken from me. But even in this grief, I still choose option two – to use Valentine’s Day as a reminder to remember how much I love love.

When February 14th rolls around, I want to feel at least a little bit of the excitement I usually feel.

I’ve decided to use the day as a timely chance for some self-love. Maybe I’ll take a long bubble bath with a glossy magazine for company. Maybe I’ll get a manicure or get my hair blown out. And then I think I’ll take myself out to a movie or make myself a delicious dinner and Facetime a friend, a glass of red wine in my hand.

Giving love graciously – both to myself and to others –is emblematic of how I try to live my life on every day of the year. I see Valentine’s Day as a day when expressing and receiving effusive gestures of love is rampant, normalized and celebrated. Some may see Valentine’s Day as forcing love, and I certainly understand that perspective, but I like to see it as a celebration.

Love is in the little things, and during this time of limbo, my friends and family have been there for me with so many kind gestures. From the friend who helped watch the moving truck when I had to move out of my marital home, to the friend who texted me every night after my husband left, for months, to check in on me, I have felt love from so many during this surreal time.

I just made some Valentine’s cards for these friends and family members who have been there for me; it feels good to make the cards and even better to give them. Practicing gratitude is a form of self -love and Valentine’s Day is a fitting time for a little gratitude.

My cat, Golda, gives me love in abundance every day, so I’m going to treat her to a special gourmet meat meal on Valentine’s Day; maybe even some catnip for desert. I feel filled up when I give love, and pampering is my way of saying thank you to this affectionate little feline for being right by my side during the most difficult year.

To be left by your husband after less than a year of marriage is a deep betrayal and a trauma to heal from, and this will undoubtedly take a lot of time. But despite the hurt I feel, I still, somehow, believe in love, in commitment, in marriage. I hope for brighter days and I do believe they are possible.

And as much as I relish having a romantic partner by my side in life, I’m aware that I don’t actually need a man to make Valentine’s Day a memorable, loving day.

Valentine’s day is a timely opportunity to think about how much love I have within me and how much capacity I have to give it freely; to envision a future with more joy – a future with romance, with love, with commitment.

As I write this, Golda is purring loudly on my lap, looking up at me with her gorgeous green eyes. Love is all around me, even this year.

The post I’m A Hopeless Romantic Going Through Divorce On Valentine’s Day appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Activities That Will Distract You From the Stress of Divorce

Activities That Will Distract You From the Stress of Divorce

Since divorce can be an emotional, mental, and spiritual gut punch, why not try some activities that are especially suited to improving the whole you?

The post Activities That Will Distract You From the Stress of Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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