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How To Let Go Of What Doesn’t Serve You In 2020

How To Let Go Of What Doesn’t Serve You In 2020

 

Let 2020 be the breakthrough year of your life, that not only releases you from a painful path but also sets up your True Life – forever.

I want you to have an amazing 2020. And I know that for you to achieve this, you have to let go of all that is no longer serving you.

This can be terrifying! Letting go of familiar outer props, that you have been hanging onto, can feel like you won’t survive or may even die!

In this Thriver TV episode, I share with you exactly why you may still be stuck and hanging onto people and situations which do not serve you and explain how to powerfully and easily let go and clear the space, to allow and accept into your life who and what does serve you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Let’s drill down today. Let’s get very clear on what it takes to make incredible changes in your life.

The first thing you must realise is, to do so, you have to let go of what is not serving you.

This is the most important component if you want to have an extraordinary life, living at your highest potential.

The great news is we now have the processes and the powerful Quantum tools to be able to achieve this – in record time, and in relatively painless ways.

And that’s what this TTV episode is all about – setting up your 2020 to be your best year ever.

Before we get started, I’d like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and supporting the Thriver mission. If you haven’t yet done so, please do, and please make sure that if you enjoy this video that you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s get started on leaving the pain of 2019 behind and creating 2020 as your best year ever!

 

Making the Hard Decisions

I want to get very clear with you. You can’t have your cake and eat it as well. What I mean by this, is this: if you want to create new habits, trajectories, people, situations and opportunities in your life, it is impossible to do this whilst you are still clogged up with the old toxic ones.

Quantum Law is absolute – what you are being is what you are receiving. And what you are being pertains to what and who you are experiencing in your life.

You can’t change what you are experiencing until you change who you are being.

Now here is the important part. Most people think that they can change their being by changing what they do. In some cases this is very true, however, if you have suffered significant trauma, then no amount of doing will generally overcome the triggers of trauma and powerlessness that is dictating the composition of your being.

In fact, it’s like trying to put a cart in front of a horse, because in doing so, you are going to be stuck in the lower toxic levels of how your being is feeling. As this video progresses this will become more and more clear for you.

It’s really important to understand that one of the reasons why it has been terrifying and almost emotionally impossible to give up our poor choices, is because these choices have been attempts to numb out and self-medicate the trauma that we are feeling in our Inner Being.

These choices could be things like eating addictions, smoking, wasting time on social media and binge movie watching, drinking excessive alcohol, and victimised blaming and shaming of others. And a host of unlimited ways that we can use to try to alleviate the inner trauma that we are feeling – including being around toxic people, and even running back into the arms of an abuser.

The truth is to change your life these choices have to go. This is something you need to get very clear about, because, as I said before … you can’t have your cake and eat it as well. You can’t drive a brand-new Ferrari into a garage where a rusty old wreck is blocking its path.

You have to let go of the old order of the life that isn’t serving you, to be able to generate the new order of the life that gloriously will.

 

Letting Go of the Old Order

You may have noticed that when you have tried to let go of something or someone who is not serving you, that inevitably another addiction or destructive choice will become activated in your life.

This is because the inner trauma that is driving your choices of trying to numb out with addictions and distractions, has not been healed yet. Interestingly, the addictive or destructive choices are a direct match for already existing trauma in your Inner Being that has not yet been healed.

Inner toxicity generates external toxic choices. The brain follows the body always.

Most people believe that a person’s outer choices regarding, food, alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy pastimes is the issue. It isn’t. This is simply a self-medication choice regarding the unmet unhealed trauma that is driving that choice.

When you understand that letting go of the choice for real requires healing the cause of the painful choice, then you can understand why a failure to do that will mean you unconsciously replace it with another destructive choice (like meeting and connecting with another narcissist).

Truly letting go requires going so much deeper than merely attempting to control a symptom. True healing requires turning inwards to access and meet the real reason as to why you have been holding onto things that don’t serve you.

To make 2020 your breakthrough year means that you need to let go of the reasons why you are stuck in self-defeating choices.

By doing so you will be able to eliminate the old order that isn’t serving you, and finally create the space within you to accept and allow the new order to flow fully into your being and life.

The Terrible Addiction to Cigarettes as a Powerful Example

I want to talk to you about my previous addiction with cigarettes. The reason being, this turned out to be my biggest ‘what wasn’t serving me issue’ that I ever had to let go of.

I used to smoke seventy cigarettes a day, and this was even after successfully leaving two narcissists.

I felt helplessly connected to cigarettes. I made copious excuses regarding cigarettes not being mind-altering substances and that somehow, I could preserve my health and fitness even as a heavy smoker. I also used to tell myself that I could be doing much worse things, like still being connected to toxic people.

Yet, I was destroying myself, and nothing that I tried to do to get myself away from cigarettes worked. Not smoking cessation treatments, not hypnosis and not willpower. In fact, no quit program, pill or strategy that I had ever tried was successful for me.

Finally, it dawned on me that this terrible grip of cigarettes actually had nothing to do with cigarettes at all.

Cigarettes were my last outer crutch that I was using to try to give me comfort in regard to some unmet, unhealed trauma within me.

Finally, I knew what to do. I courageously went No Contact with cigarettes. I threw them in the bin and removed all traces connected with them.

I then positioned myself deep in the bunker of my couch and got ready. Previously, if I went without cigarettes for even half an hour I would burst into tears. And of course I did, as soon as the first screaming trauma arose within me that I could no longer use cigarettes to shove back down again.

I breathed, opened my body and fully felt this trauma. I used Quanta Freedom Healing (Module Number One of NARP) to draw all this terrible trauma out of myself, load it up, release it and go free from it.

I brought in Source Energy to replace where the trauma once was (which is the Higher Source component in NARP, which heals what we logically can’t heal) and continued to do so each and every time a trauma arose within me.

I went nowhere and saw nobody. I resided on my couch, wailing out these wounds, until finally after three days none remained.

I emerged exhausted, yet completely empty of any urge for a cigarette. I finally felt whole within my Inner Being without them. I have never capitulated and have not had one since. I have never had any urges or desire to have one. In fact, the thought of a cigarette completely and utterly repulses me and always has from that day forward.

Why?

The reason is simple – because I no longer have the existing inner traumas that required self-medicating with cigarettes. And what the main trauma was, was a terrible loneliness and terror, a belief that ‘no-one is coming to help me or save me’.

Cigarettes had been my dummy. They had been my crutch, something in my mouth as my connection to ‘something’, to know that I was not alone when this trauma was activated.

Of course, this trauma had been activated! I had been narcissistically abused and had felt incredibly isolated and unsupported within it.

The trauma of ‘no one is coming’ had actually been in my DNA from birth. I was born with it. It had been deep traumatic past life experiences as well as genetic beliefs that I had taken on from my ancestors, as well as the collective human experience. I had also experienced these traumas in childhood.

As a result of needing to stop smoking cigarettes in order to save my life, thankfully I was able to release myself from the real issue – this terrible existing trauma and painful belief that had been wedged in my Inner Being for eons.

One that had not only kept me stuck in a self-destructive pattern of toxic self-medicating but also a trauma pattern of attracting people or loneliness that was the exact match for the painful belief of ‘no one is coming’.

I hope you are understanding that the exact same healing premise goes for any unhealthy situation, person and choice that you are struggling to give up. There is a reason that you are doing this.

I promise you that the traumas holding in place your compulsions to stay attached to things that are not serving you are deep and primal and powerful. And until you know how to find them and remove them from your Inner Being, they well have incredible power over you.

 

Trying to Think Yourself Into the New Order Doesn’t Work

The old way of trying to let go of, and change our choices that are not serving us, can be incredibly painful and arduous. This requires intense willpower that usually isn’t sustainable.

When you understand how your emotional choices are created, you know that they are all to do with feelings. Not what you are thinking. Our logical brain is not connected with our limbic and emotional centres. Our logical brain is the servant not the master of these centres.

This is why when we have traumatic belief systems driving us to self-medicate with unhealthy choices, we can come up with all sorts of excuses to justify our behaviour. This is the perfect example of the brain following the body and being a servant to it.

We may say, ‘Just one more time, this will be my last’, ‘I’ll get started on this tomorrow’, ‘It’s okay that I gave in and did this, at some point, I will stop myself from doing it’ or, of course, we may just beat ourselves up mercilessly and hope that by blaming and shaming ourselves, we can somehow get ourselves into shape.

Tomorrow never comes. The state of your Inner Being is the state of your Inner Being, and the power of your Inner Being and traumatic beliefs are Almighty.

Your emotional limbic system controls forty billion bits per second in regard to the processing centres of you that creates your life. This means your feelings and thoughts and choices regarding who and what you will include in your life experience, and who or what will be drawn from the external towards you to fulfil your life experience.

In comparison, your logical brain only has the power to influence forty bits per second.

I hope that this puts things totally in perspective for you. If you are trying to overcome your addictive painful and powerless choices that have come about as a result of trauma accumulating in your Inner Being, with mere thinking, then it is likely that you are fighting a fruitless battle.

It may feel near impossible to let go of the people, patterns and things that are not serving you. Even if you desperately want to, because these things have been hurting you all of your life.

 

Shifting Through Your Breakdowns to Breakthroughs Quickly and Painlessly

I hope you understand by now that the true solution to let go, and change your life, is to meet and shift your inner trauma that has been generating your painful choices.

How can you do this?

You need to use an effective tool that can access your subconscious and load up your trauma energy and release it from your being, just as you would remove a rusty old wreck from a garage before you drive your new Ferrari into it.

Because if you don’t, the best you will ever get is trying to manage and create a new program in your life, whilst the old existing trauma is still having its way with you. It just doesn’t work!

This is where body healing modalities come into their own power. They are effective, and much more powerful for treating trauma symptoms and programs than any research, learning or cognitive or logical therapy ever will be.

You may wish to access things like Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), kinesiology or the like, or you may simply go straight to the source of my Quantum Healing Program, known as NARP, which has been more effective for healing people from traumatic relationships than any other healing tool I know of on this planet.

And I say that humbly, this is exactly what the real-life evidence states.

 

Shifting Yourself Powerfully Into the New Order

To implement a new order of the life that you want, it is much easier and more direct to work on your Inner Being directly by releasing the responsible trauma out of it. Then filling the space where that was with Source Energy – which is life force, creation, God, your higher self, your superconscious, whatever a Higher Power means to you.

This heals what you logically can’t and means that you quickly and powerfully integrate what you haven’t been able to resolve yet.

The shifts are astounding and somatically felt in your body as real.

You literally emerge within minutes from the person who you were being, into the person who now is aligned with the healthy choices on the topic in question.

In no way does the shift take you decades of therapy. It is a complete false premise that healing yourself requires going through such a logical, minutely incremental, and often completely ineffectual system.

Letting go of what doesn’t serve you, and becoming what does, have absolutely nothing to do with learning anything new. The truth is you can only achieve your True Self and True Life, by unlearning all the traumas and the false beliefs that you have taken on. You can only do this by effectively releasing them out of your being, by letting them go.

Which you will easily achieve when you adopt a higher healing technology, that has been a much-needed upgrade for our human condition for a very long time.

I hope that you are getting excited about the truth, that you have the ability to let go of your previous painful patterns through the breakdown of the old order into the breakthrough of the new.

This new order is your natural and true state; it is who you are already programmed and coded to be without the infection of your inner traumas.

Your Higher Power wants for you, your Highest and Best expression of your life – meaning the only life that would truly gratify you. The components of your True Self and True Life – these things are seeking you as much as you are seeking them.

They are merely waiting for you to release the rusted old wreck that was in your garage, to clear the space to accept the divine entering of your Ferrari.

Do you want to start accessing the shifts, out of your old order, into your new one, quickly and powerfully?

If you do, and you want to access my powerful system to do this, as well as an incredible support community that will help you all the way, you can do this by clicking the link at the top right of this video.

And by doing so, you have taken a step directly onto the path of completely resurrecting your 2020 as your new year and not only that … your new life.

One that enters new trajectories that you simply couldn’t access before and bears no resemblance to the life that you left behind.

It is my greatest joy and mission to show you how to do this, just as I have done for every aspect of my life that was holding me back and hurting me – including abusive people, addictions and terrible patterns and choices.

If you really get this and want to go free, and come with me, then write below, ‘It’s my time, I deserve this, I can and will claim my new life in 2020’.

Let’s take a stand together, okay? To access my Quantum Healing Program NARP which will shift you from what is not serving you, to what totally is, please click the link at the top right of this video.

And I just want to say I’m sending you so much love for this holiday period and New Year.

2020 is going to be the best year ever for us Thrivers. Especially those of us consistently NARPing.

And for those of you already NARPing, looking for your next empowering, expansion steps, look out for the new upgraded Version 2 of my Empowered Self Course.

It’s coming real soon!

Happy New Year!

 

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Your Divorce Doesn’t Define You, How You Behave During Divorce Does

Your Divorce Doesn’t Define You, How You Behave During Divorce Does

How you handle and react to the stresses that are in your life are critical decisions during the divorce process. How you conduct yourself in this time WILL define you.

The post Your Divorce Doesn’t Define You, How You Behave During Divorce Does appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Narcissistic Abuse Is A Journey… But It Doesn’t Take As Long As You Think

Narcissistic Abuse Is A Journey… But It Doesn’t Take As Long As You Think

 

I don’t subscribe to narcissistic abuse recovery being a long drawn out process, simply surviving the effects of it, AT ALL.

Maybe you’ve been told that to heal from Narcissistic Abuse is a LONG hard road that could take you many years and even decades? And even then you will need to manage your symptoms – possible for life?

In today’s Thriver TV episode I want to help you heal – REALLY heal!

So, join me on a journey where you’ll experience deep soul mantras that will start to set you free in times and ways you never thought were possible.

 

Video Transcript

I know it is really normal to believe that recovery from narcissistic abuse is going to take you a really long time.

People will tell you that; people report this all the time.

And the reason they do, is because if the trauma from narcissistic abuse remains inside us, then it takes a long time to move past the insidious effects of it, and that’s if we can at all.

But there is a better way to do this journey of recovery.

A faster, more direct way that works. And this is what I want to talk with you about today.

It’s the way I recovered and thrived from symptoms and life events that seemed unhealable. It is also the Thriver Way that so many people, thousands in this Community, have successfully used as well.

It’s about mind and heart perspectives.

It’s about truths that set you free.

And these truths are everything.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now, to get started, I want to share with you the understanding of trauma and what it really means, along with how to switch to a Quantum understanding of it, to be in the driver’s seat to heal for REAL!

 

The Trauma of Abuse and What It Really Is

The trauma from abuse is horrific, and the trauma from narcissistic abuse is arguably the worst of the worst. It feels like a terrible black ink permeating your mind and emotions, which literally eats our soul alive.

When this horrifying trauma strikes, people are shocked that they can’t just ‘get up and on with it,’ like they possibly could do in the past.

What is this trauma really about?

It is about every inner survival fear and insecurity that any particular human can carry being FULLY activated, separating us from our True Self and Life.

The more power we hand away to False Selves (narcissists), rather than partnering directly with our Inner Being and all of Life in Quantum connected ways, the more we feel separated and cut off. We feel controlled by the narcissist, and everything we do is at the whim of what this False Source is or isn’t doing.

These people don’t provide us wholeness, solidness and safety. Instead, they bring to conscious life every unconscious fearful, limiting and generational past life and human collective wound that has been unmet and unhealed within our subconscious programs and psyches.

As human beings, these have all been a part of our human experience.

And it is these inner parts that they hook us in with, terrorise us with, and keep ripping us to shreds with.

These are the exact reasons we stay enmeshed and addicted to narcissists. It is why we are unable to let go, create healthy boundaries and render these people incapable of continuing to hurt us.

Here is the thing … when we don’t understand the truth that sets us free, then we are in for a long, hard road to recovery.

I really want to share with you this following truth. It is fundamental to you starting your recovery, or resetting it, in a way that will provide you a direct, straight line out to the other side – to your emancipation from pain and then Thriving.

Please repeat this after me.

‘This person in my life has found and is targeting and smashing the EXACT wounds that are holding me separated from my True and Thriving Life. If I stop making it about THEM, and make it all about ME and turn inwards to fully own, claim, release and heal from these wounds, then this person will have NO power over me.’

Feel this in your body.

It is the absolute cellular truth that your Inner Being KNOWS it is the truth. And you can only align with this truth if you are prepared to get out of blame and shame, looking outwards and working through your ego – which adores keeping you separated from yourself.

What we just said together is a coming home statement, which means you get into your body and start working with the one entity that you can control – you. They open you up to taking your life and your power back.

Now let’s move on to the next fundamental understanding of trauma that will set you free.

 

The Purpose of Trauma

To set the scene for this understanding, I really want you to know that Source/Creation/God wants for you EXACTLY want you want. Additionally, your soul wants to set up all the conditions to help you align with BEING the actual being who can generate this in your life.

The system of ‘so within, so without’ means that your inner composition needs to have the corresponding belief system to be able to experience what is desired as your real-life experience. Subconscious programs are absolute. They generate with life the validity of the belief system to the letter, without any preference or condition.

So, what this means is: the things in our life that aren’t working, including HORRIBLE abuse, must have a corresponding inner trauma connected to it.

If you want to remain victimised, you won’t want to accept this truth – which is totally understandable (I used to be there too!). But what this means is that there is no way out of the agony of more victimisation, powerlessness, and pain. And this is why I am so passionate about you Going Quantum and finding a way to free yourself from the victimisation, the pain and the ongoing trauma that DOES WORK.

This is done by knowing that the trauma you are feeling, which the narcissist is smashing mercilessly, is the signal of the internal beliefs and fractures that are the barriers to your True Self and True Life.

It is powerful beyond measure when we stop condemning the trauma and instead KNOW that every emotional trigger felt is granting us our greatest emancipation opportunity. It is your key to freedom. You are being led UP and OUT of what you are currently experiencing. But not only this, it is opening you up to the ongoing possibility of emancipation from established patterns and further limits in your future.

I ADORE this next mantra, which I really want to share with you because it encapsulates perfectly what I’ve just been saying. So, repeat after me:

‘I bless and accept this trauma as Divine and so meant to be, because I know that it going off in my body is letting me know exactly what to turn towards, load up and release to emancipate and exalt my life way beyond the life I am living. Because of this trauma becoming consciously known, I CAN claim my True Self and Life free from these wounds and limits.’

Okay … breathe and feel this cellularly in your body. Your body knows it’s true, if you open up, breathe and allow this statement to soak through you.

I promise you that is my credo – I adore and embrace all my triggers. I love them. I know their purpose. I know that my soul and all of Creation is totally geared to flourishing me with my True Self and Life. And what this means is that anything that is NOT just that, will come up as dense, painful energy to release and live free from, so that I can make inner space to experience Who I Really Am.

I know it can seem really tough, but it’s so important to bless this time and honour it. Because, truly, you are not just shedding months or years of trauma, you are releasing generational, childhood, past life and collective traumas.

Without this method, it will take you lifetimes to release all these accumulated traumas…

If you ever could.

You are also releasing trauma for humanity itself. Each time you shift, you are freeing the collective from internal programmed wounds.

We are on Divine assignments here, and I promise you that when you embrace it and bless it, you are on your way to fast-track recovery.

Now I want to talk about why breakdowns are vital.

 

Breakdowns Leading to Breakthroughs

If you were to build on an allotment on the site of an old, broken-down house, the most effective way to do this would be to demolish and rebuild.

The same applies with the emotional traumas in our life.

Of course, it is terrifying to let go of what we know and to allow the breakdown/breakthrough process to happen through us.

Yet, I want you to know, with all of my heart, that night-time is it’s darkest just before daybreak.

It is when we are in the worst possible breakdown, thinking that we cannot handle any more pain and darkness, that we are totally on the cusp of the breakthrough – IF we let the breakdown energy of the old GO.

As humans, this has been our greatest struggle – to recognise the divine order that is always generating wellbeing, if we get ourselves out of the way.

We miss these breakdown opportunities. We freeze, hang on to the horrific inwardly triggered trauma, create defences around it, and even fight to righteously reinforce it in our lives. We have all the reasons why we should hang on to the trauma.

This is akin to being taken down a rapid river and not going with the ecological flow, but trying to stop the process, only to get smashed disastrously against the rocks.

Triggered trauma is your breakdown – it is telling you ‘This is NOT your True Self and True Life’. If you meet this trauma, feel the energy of it in your body, and then release it, accepting your breakthrough, then you fill where that trauma once was with Source. This is the shift in Quanta Freedom Healing and the main Quantum Healing component in NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

The breakthrough happens within (in your Inner Universe) before it happens without (in your Outer Universe).

This means your emotions regarding the trauma must FIRST shift before the situation in your life can.

How do we know that we have successfully midwifed a breakdown to the beginning of our breakthrough?

We know because the feelings of negative emotions, victimisation and powerlessness are gone and replaced with feelings of peace and inner calm. You may even sense that ‘everything is in perfect order, no matter what it looks like’.

People may think it is ‘magical thinking’ that a shift on the inside will change your life and how narcissists react to you.

But to think like this truly is NOT realising the grand ramifications of the shift you achieve inwardly.

When you become different, your life becomes different. And this has nothing to do with what other people are or aren’t doing, because what has changed is HOW you respond to them as a different being.

As the Quantum Creator of your Life, you are always generating your life to the letter as per your beliefs, choices and actions – whether unconsciously or consciously. Narcissists in our life experience are giving us the evidence, in hardcore brutality, of what we must clean up.

When you shift to inner calm – your beingness WITHOUT that trauma – and make this inner calm your highest priority, you will discover your emotional triggers become significantly reduced or even non-existent.

You stop being derailed by your wounds. You cease to react in ways that hand the narcissist the narcissistic supply that incites them to keep wanting to abuse you for more narcissistic supply.

By cutting off narcissistic supply, and building your own inner integrity and power, you take back your power. And then you discover that you have aligned with all of the Field on that topic you were previously struggling with.

All of a sudden solutions and support show up where there was none. The right ideas, inspirations, people, synchronicities, information and events will come into your life experience to support you and to add to your wholeness and freedom (because you are BEING that BEING on the inside).

When you live this way of life consciously, you know these are not opportunities to be missed.

This is beyond powerful.

Okay, let’s anchor into this Quantum Truth by repeating the following mantra together.

‘I know that when I am in my darkest, most painful times, if I pledge to meet it and release it and bring in my Light to replace it, that I will powerfully and quickly transform to a New Self, generating the Life that I was always meant to live. And so it is amen!’

Now, after feeling that statement in your body, I would love you to pause this video and tell me in the comments below how this feels for you? Does it feel congruent in your body, or do you have some doubts and questions still?

 

The Way to Thriver Recovery

The three perspectives and understandings I’ve just shared with you, in my opinion, are the biggest and most impactful – they change everything about recovery.

It doesn’t mean that the road to recovery is always a straight line and always easy.

Absolutely it’s inner self-work; it takes effort and full, loving self-commitment. But the results are not just amazing – they are life-giving. They promise, hold and then deliver the only life that was ever going to truly gratify us – a life of living free of our limiting beliefs and wounds.

I feel so blessed every day that I have the best, most gratifying and glorious job helping people achieve a way of life, which narcissists have forced us to find, so that we can save our souls.

Furthermore, I personally live this life every day as a complete Quantum lifestyle.

It’s the only life I’ve ever found that really works – and it continues to bring me such joy every day. So much joy that my heart can barely hold it all.

I want that for all of us.

Those of you already NARPing – if you require assistance to get your Thriver Recovery going, please come into the Private NARP Member’s Forum. Here you have unlimited, free lifetime support from the best Quantum Abuse Recovery Specialists in the world.

To access this please click this link.

And, for those of you ready to start NARPing, because you want this True Life too, please check out the complete Program now by clicking this link. 

I so hope this video has helped.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Returning to Work After Divorce Doesn’t Have to be Scary

Returning to Work After Divorce Doesn’t Have to be Scary

If you have been a stay-at-home spouse or parent, you may be petrified at the idea of returning to work after divorce. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The post Returning to Work After Divorce Doesn’t Have to be Scary appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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being friends with your ex

Being Friends With Your EX: 7 Reasons It Doesn’t Work

being friends with your ex

 

While it’s normal to want to undo the past, being friends with your ex usually doesn’t work out. It’s a noble endeavor to want to be a friend to a former spouse but it can fuel your child’s reconciliation fantasies and prevent both adults from healing and moving on with their lives.

It’s especially problematic for the person who was left – or the dumpee – because having regular contact with the person who rejected them can make a person feel confused or give them a sense of false hope. On the other hand, the dumper would probably admit to feeling guilty upon seeing their ex regularly or worry that they are sending the wrong message.

When my marriage ended, I had the misconception that two good people (myself and my ex) should be able to stay friends after our divorce. In my case, I was looking for closure – but soon realized that letting go of the reasons why our marriage dissolved was a healthier decision. I also came to terms with the fact that I didn’t need to have all of the answers to why my marriage failed in order to move on.

There are many reasons why people strive to be friends with their ex after a breakup or divorce. Certainly one of the main reasons is that they have unfinished business that they hope to resolve. Our they may want to keep the non-intimate part of the relationship going because they have caring feelings toward their former spouse.

Erin, a 40-something teacher confides, “I couldn’t understand why two civilized adults couldn’t visit with our kids and hang out like friends. But Jason told me it hurt him too badly because I broke it off and he was reminded of his pain every time we got together.” This experience is a common one for the dumpee who might feel  –especially hurt if their ex has a new partner and they don’t. It can add salt to an open wound that has not had sufficient time to heal.

Guilt Can Drive You Towards Being Friends with Your Ex

Another reason why people want to stay in close contact with a former partner after a breakup is guilt. Sometimes the person who is the dumper feels guilty about leaving the relationship, especially if they were unfaithful, and they want to remain friendly with the dumpee to help to ease their guilt. In this case, counseling with a qualified therapist is a more effective way to deal with these leftover emotions.

Further, some individuals keep their relationship alive because they hope for reconciliation but they don’t necessarily acknowledge it. According to Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup, “Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact.”

Conner, 48, reflects, “I did all I could to keep in touch with Karen with the hope that we could fix things and one day get back together – even though I knew she was in love with someone else.”

7 Reasons Being Friends with Your Ex Doesn’t Work:

  1. Most of the time, a post-breakup friendship is a setup for further heartbreak, especially for the person who was left and probably feels rejected.
  2. It does not give you or your ex time to grieve the loss of the relationship or marriage. Like all losses, the breakup of a long-term relationship or marriage causes people to go through various stages of grief. In order to heal and move through anger, denial, it’s essential that individuals have the emotional and physical space to do this. Trying to maintain a friendship may extend the healing process.
  3. You need to forge a new identity: After a breakup, it’s essential to lose your identity as a couple and to return to who you were as an individual, rather than half of a couple.
  4. It can cause confusion for your children. It’s normal for most children to experience reconciliation fantasies and seeing their parents spend time together (social events, holidays, etc.) can cause them to long for their intact family. Children benefit from parents who are collaborative but not necessarily friends post-breakup.
  5. You might not have been true friends and it’s problematic to start now. Sometimes, especially when there are children involved, a person may feel pressured to preserve a friendship that never existed or that disappeared during your marriage. So just say “no” and remain cordial to each other.
  6. You need energy to “take care of yourself” and to form new relationships. Maintaining a close friendship with an ex (especially if it’s emotionally or physically intimate) can delay this process.
  7. Acceptance is the final stage of grieving the loss of a loved one, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and a post-breakup friendship doesn’t facilitate this process.

At some point, it’s important to accept the breakup of your marriage and come to a place of “it is what it is.” These anecdotes from bloggers help to explain how acceptance and setting boundaries with your ex can facilitate creating a new chapter in your life.

Katie, a 30-something high school counselor reflects, “When I broke it off with husband Kyle, he took it very hard. I thought that if we stayed in touch and hung out sometimes, it would help him adjust but it only made things worse. I let my guilt and his feelings of rejection be the driving force rather than common sense. It took him years to get over our breakup and I was left feeling even more guilty because of the pain I caused him.”

Justin, a 40-year old accountant shares, “It just didn’t work for Heather and me to remain friends. It got complicated without three kids and they felt more confused when we tried to get together. Then when I started dating Susie, they didn’t like her and kept talking about wanting their mom and me to get back together. It wasn’t fair to them and I didn’t want to give them false hope.”

Truth be told, it’s a great idea to be civil and cooperative with your former spouse – especially when you have children. Being allies with your ex can help children adjust and thrive post-divorce. That said, maintaining a friendship with your former spouse probably won’t allow you both to move on with your life after a divorce. Giving yourself time and space to regain independence and a sense of identity will serve you and your children well in the long run.

This article first appeared on DivorceMag.com

The post Being Friends With Your EX: 7 Reasons It Doesn’t Work appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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