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toxic people

Want To Feel Better? Then Stop Hanging Around Toxic People

toxic people

 

When you’re working to get your confidence back and build boundaries after divorce, there is one “hiding in plain sight” barrier that will keep you from reaching your goals.

And that’s surrounding yourself with toxic people.

You know *exactly* who these toxic people are…

  • The pushy one with unsolicited advice that makes you doubt your decisions
  • The catty one with snide comments and back-handed compliments
  • The one who blames you and makes herself the victim when you call her out on her BS.

Sound like anyone you know? 

Is this a sister? Your mother? Your adult daughter? That “friend” who says she’s “only trying to help you?”

Literally every woman deals with these jerks on the daily. And his/her comments are so hurtful because they know which button of yours to push. They’ve known you for a long-ass time, and know your sore spots, triggers, and vulnerabilities.

That’s why one of their comments can leave you devastated for days.

The secret about toxic people in your life…

100% of that criticism has nothing to do with you. She is projecting her own insecurities onto you she’s not taking responsibility for her own issues.

Remember the time your sister said, “that dress looks a little snug on you, don’t you think?” although she knew you were counting calories and going to yoga three times a week?

She’s guaranteed stepped on the scale that morning and was 12 pounds heavier after that cruise.

Remember that time you got that promotion at work and instead of congratulating you, your mother said, “Oh, so I guess that means you’ll be spending even less time with your kids.”

Like, WTF?!

She guaranteed is feeling resentful that she stepped down from her job to stay full-time with her children and didn’t go back into the workplace.

What to do About Toxic People

So, what do you want to do about her? 

Continue to let them walk all over you, saying “that’s just her.” This option is risky because you put yourself at risk of continued frustration and hurt feelings.

Stand up for yourself. This doesn’t have to look like a Jerry Springer fight. But it takes courage.

“Hey (insert person’s name), it really hurts my feelings when you do/say (insert harmful action here). I would ask that you keep those comments to yourself.

“Hey (insert person’s name). I notice that you’re always commenting or giving me unsolicited advice on my divorce/looks/weight/recovery/insert whatever they’re always commenting on. I would ask that you don’t do that anymore, at least until I specifically ask for your advice.”

So, a quick heads-up when you stand up for yourself. If the person has any amount of emotional intelligence, they may take a step back and say, “Oh, wow.. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” or something along the lines of that. 

Or…they may get defensive and turn it on you. They may say, “I’m only trying to help you. If you don’t want my honest opinion, then fine.” And then they might stomp away or hang up the phone or stonewall you or some other 5-year-old-at-the-playground nonsense.

If that reaction occurs, that is a HUGE RED FLAG that maybe this relationship is unhealthy. This ain’t the end of the world–it’s just an opportunity to set up healthy boundaries.

Oh, and I get you may not just be able to walk away from that person so easily. She might be a relative or close friend.

But remember–being related to someone DOES NOT give them carte blanche to treat you like poorly.

It takes a herculean effort to be confident enough to speak up and stand your ground when they push back. But until then, remember:

  1. Be aware that some of the most toxic people may be the ones closest to you
  2. Their smack-talking has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with their own insecurities
  3. You have the power to speak up for yourself
  4. Family members and close friends *do not* get to throw shade just because they’re in your life.

The post Want To Feel Better? Then Stop Hanging Around Toxic People appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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divorced but still feel married

Divorced But Still, Feel Married? Here’s How To Cut The Cord

divorced but still feel married

Are you divorced but feel like the only thing that has changed is your address? Living in two separate households only to find that distance doesn’t always equal freedom?

Have you just survived the worst time of your life by the skin of your teeth, yet it still feels like you are in the trenches?

Divorced But Still Feel Married?

I thought divorce papers were my ticket to freedom.  I would sign the papers and somehow it would magically dissolve everything… cut all ties.  Boy was I in for a rude awakening!  Little did I know that a piece of paper didn’t guarantee that I would be divorced energetically.

Let me explain what I mean by being physically divorced, but energetically still married.  

Marriage is defined by a union of two people…a partnership, which can be dissolved at any time on paper.  Whenever we bond with someone, as in marriage, we physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, as well as energetically connect to that person. 

We are energetic beings that create many kinds of attachments.  Although we can physically divorce our partner, that does not mean that we energetically detach from them after the divorce is finalized.

This explains how you can physically be miles apart, yet still, feel like nothing has changed. They still have the same power over you just like they did while you were married.  

One text has the power to bring you right back to the darkest days of your life.  One phone call reminds you why you filed for divorce in the first place. Your thoughts about them have the power to paralyze your entire body keeping you stuck and unable to move forward.

What you have yet to realize is that you are still CHAINED, still TETHERED to what has rendered you powerless.

Let me paint you a picture. Imagine your intestines being tied into tiny little knots, and all the food you’ve ingested is unable to make its way down into your stomach.  This would stop you from eliminating waste, and your body would quickly build up toxins and make you sick.

This is what it looks like to be stuck energetically to something that no longer serves you. In essence, you have been tied in energetic knots. Unable to move and grow, and evolve into the next phase of your life.

So, how do you shake this??!!

How can you cut this energy cord after a separation once and for all?!

The first step is knowing your truth. 

Put the fight down!  Put down the need to prove or defend yourself to anyone.  See your ex as a mirror.  What are they triggering inside of you that you believe about yourself? 

Do you believe that you are unworthy of love, that you are a bad person, that you deserved to be punished? Do you have guilt or shame attached to your divorce? If you cannot put the limiting story down you will keep letting your triggers own you. 

This is when you need to work on reprogramming those beliefs of yours because if you didn’t believe them their words would have no power over you.

Subconsciously we believe these ugly little lies.  Most of the time we are completely unaware of it.  Unaware of the inner chatter that has the power to bring us to our knees.

The second step is owning your story and walking away from the victim mindset. 

You are not a victim of your divorce! I don’t care who wanted the divorce and who didn’t want the divorce.  So many people feel the need to cast blame after divorce.  They feel the need to make one party the victim and the other party the culprit. 

The truth is if you label yourself as “The Victim,” you will disarm yourself of all your power.  Is that what you really want…a constant pity party?

Put the story down!

Your marriage is over…the end! No need to rally the troops to fight a battle only to keep the energetic cords alive.  Do you want to win or do you want to be happy?

The third step is doing the work to figure out what brought you to the unconscious relationship in the first place. 

Let me tell you that the answer to this will not be outside yourself.  Ask the questions that you didn’t have the courage or awareness to ask yourself prior to the relationship. 

It’s shocking to think that I never asked myself these questions until my mid-thirties, and I know I’m not alone in this! They are the most basic and fundamental questions:

WHO AM I? HOW DID I GET HERE? WHAT AM I INTERESTED IN? WHO WAS I BEFORE I WAS WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDED ME TO BE?  

Let me tell you how powerful the universe is. The minute I asked the right questions I got the answers loud and clear…like the very next day! But this doesn’t happen without surrender, without letting go of how you think things should be and accepting what is. 

Accepting what is takes work. It takes courage. It takes owning your part and wearing it like a badge of honor, not as an anchor.

I am guessing you don’t know how to do the “work” otherwise you would have done it already. So, let me give you a taste of what doing the work meant for me…

Once I was ready to put down the sword and really step into my power, well this was where the journey began. I realized I needed support.

The box I created for myself didn’t have the necessary tools I needed to get out.  I sought after counselors and coaches. I found mentors virtually because they were far and few between in my circle. I read books, I went to women’s retreats, I created new friendships that supported my journey, I listened to podcasts.

I did anything and everything to empower myself, and even when I didn’t feel powerful I let this virtual family that I created hold me up until I could do it alone. And I did it all with grace and compassion for myself.  I wasn’t in a race to some imaginary finish line. There is no finish line!

The fourth step just might be the most difficult step of all…FORGIVENESS. 

I’m not going to lie, my ego will still try and pull one over me at times. I still get triggered and it brings me to a place of righteousness.  When that happens, I forgive myself for being human and having a human experience. 

I have realized that most of these feelings come from generations of women before me. Generations of women living in lack, in fear, in comparison, in the need to defend or prove themselves.

The truth is nobody has the power to make you feel this way unless YOU give it to them. So, in forgiving my ex I was forgiving myself.

The Hawaiian’s have a beautiful prayer of forgiveness and healing relationships called ho’oponopono, which goes like this…

 I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thank you. I love you.  

 I know, the thought of saying this might make you cringe, but this prayer really is about setting yourself free.  This is what is going to allow you to cut the energetic cord, the cord that still binds you.

The fifth and final step is to actually cut the energetic cord.  

Physical relationships create the strongest of energetic cords.  At one point you bonded with this person in the most intimate of ways, and divorce papers won’t wash that away.  Why is it necessary to cut these cords?

So that you can break the attachment that causes you to still react to this person, and step into a place of self-love. It’s a great way to disarm them and empower you.

In intimate relationships, cords are typically attached from the heart center.  Begin with closing your eyes and putting one hand over your heart, or wherever you feel the attachment stems from.

You can visualize your ex standing in front of you with an energy cord that attaches you two together.  Set the intention of not allowing any more energy exchanged with this person.  

You then move your hand up and down as if your cutting a rope with an axe.  Visualize yourself cutting the energy cord once and for all.

This is what worked for me in order to sever the chords that attached us.  It is a process that takes lots of intention.  

You will see for yourself that the power they once had over you will disappear, and you will have new-found freedom you never thought possible.

The post Divorced But Still, Feel Married? Here’s How To Cut The Cord appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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You Can’t Heal What You’re Afraid To Feel

You Can’t Heal What You’re Afraid To Feel

 

We have all been so disconnected from FEELING our FEELINGS that we innately believe we should do everything possible to turn away from and avoid them.

The messages we believe are ‘Don’t think about it’, ‘Do something to distract yourself from it’, ‘Think nice or grateful thoughts instead’.

Yet negative emotions, beliefs and unconscious programs are like housework. If unattended they simply pile up and get worse.

It’s my greatest desire that you escape the LIES you have been told about avoiding your emotions forever, and you come home to the ONLY way to Heal for Real.

Because the truth is … it is impossible to recover from trauma unless we feel our feelings.

 

 

Video Transcript

I understand the terror of our feelings.

They can feel TOO big.

We may believe the intensity of painful feelings will take us OUT.

We may have the fear that if we get mired in them, we will not be able to function.

Maybe you believe that healing is going to take forever and that you have to go slowly because you are feeling too much intensity.

And then there are all the unconscious ways we don’t want to ‘feel our feelings’.

Ways such as sneaky, pesky, egoic excuses that distract us from the inner work. Or we may stay busy or zone out with food, alcohol, TV and social media.

The ways that we can avoid emotions and self-medicate and self-abandon our Inner Being are endless.

Today I want to get right down to the essential truths that no-one really has been telling us – apart from people who now understand the truth about trauma recovery.

And this truth is… That it is impossible to recover from trauma unless you feel your feelings.

I want to take you through this step-by-step: why we must feel our feelings as well as how to do it safely, lovingly and powerfully – regardless of how much you have suffered and been through.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now to begin…

 

Feeling Your Feelings Was Vital Even Before Abuse

I certainly didn’t know how important it was to be able to feel my feelings before my Thriver Recovery. In fact, I wasn’t even in my body, partnered with myself in any way. How was I to know this was not healthy when this was my ‘normal?’

I know it has been the same for many of you – living disassociated; not being housed emotionally in your body; looking outwards to life whilst being stuck in survival programs – rather than generating self-creation.

When we are attempting to live life from the outside in, trying to work out what everyone else is or isn’t being, so that we can somehow respond to that to survive – we are a reactor and victim of life.

Yet what we really need to be is a responder and creator of it.

Being a reactor to life equals ‘how to lose’ – every time.

Reacting to life means – ‘I will try to adapt me to become what is necessary to make you grant me what I need to feel safe, successful and loved.’

Responding to life means – ‘I will align with my values, truths and boundaries regarding what my desired life is, and you will either lean in and join me in this experience or leave and clear the way for someone who shares my values and truths and does.’

It’s vital to understand that living life powerfully and successfully, from the inside out, is NOT a logical thing.

You can’t generate this by trying to logically make it happen.

And the reason why you can’t, is because your logical brain only generates 5% of your life experience. What is really unfolding as your life, is from your emotional composition, beliefs and subconscious programs.

Which in short is HOW you FEEL about any topic in your life and the TRUTHS you have EMBODIED about them.

If you haven’t yet come home to your Inner Being to resolve, partner with and heal your emotional self, in regard to the painful topics in your life, including of course narcissistic abuse, then your emotional feelings, beliefs and subconscious programs will be unhealed. They will remain traumatised.

This almighty remaining 95% of your life then rules your thoughts. This is why the stinking thinking and obsessive thoughts that beat you up don’t stop, no matter how hard you try to stop them.

The resolution?

To be in your body, embodied in responding and creating your life effectively. To feel and heal your emotions.

There is no other way.

 

What Your Feelings Are Not

Because of our human obsession to avoid our painful feelings, at all costs, we innately believe we should do everything possible to turn away from and avoid them.

Yet negative emotions, beliefs and unconscious programs are like housework. If unattended they simply pile up and get worse.

This is why, as people age, the trauma, sickness and breakdowns increase and, generally for all of us as members of a narcissistic abuse community, the abusers and the incidents get worse and worse and worse.

The real question is – ‘How bad does it need to get before I do meet my Inner Being and start doing the necessary housework there?’

One of the common reasons why we seem so committed to self-abandoning is the belief that our inner, painful emotions are going to reveal terrible and horrible things about us. Things that we simply may not be able to face.

This is an illusion; it’s not the truth. It’s part of the lie that has been fed to us.

Your negative emotions are NOT who you really are.

They are not your True Coded Divine Self. They are false ideas and lies that were inflicted upon you by other people; people who had these inflicted on them.

Yes, the dense energy of them HURTS. But just as you don’t associate a cut on your leg as ‘I am unlovable, unworthy of love and not worth loving,’ because it is as yet unhealed and feels intensely painful, you should not do the same with any intensely painful feelings.

The truth, which is organically coded into every one of us, is that we are divine, adored and loved beyond measure by all of Creation, because we are Creation itself.

This is the Truth that we are all, in this incredible time, returning to – if you are prepared to wake up, challenge the lies and do the inner work to live free of them.

There is only one way out of the lies… You need to turn within, face and release the negative emotions, and the false beliefs connected to them, and go free of them. You need to know, believe and live within your soul right to FULLY be yourself.

 

What Your Feelings Really Are

Your feelings are no less or more than a signal showing you whether you are integrated on any particular topic in your life or if you have beliefs and traumas blocking you from your True Self and Life.

This is how the ecology of life works regarding your feelings.

What you want with all your heart – love, success, happiness and health – is what your superconscious (God/Source/Creation), which is all the Higher Part of YOU, wants for you too.

This force is benevolent and all-loving.

Whether or not you achieve alignment with this Force, depends on what is going on in your manufacturing powerhouse – your subconscious. When you are aligned on any topic, you feel good and the real-life results unfold beautifully. You experience wholeness.

Triggered traumas, delays, disappointments, and even catastrophes, show you how your inner subconscious beliefs are not what your heart desires and what your Superconscious Creator wants to bring to you.

So, what is your real job?

To attend to the subconscious programs.

How do you do that?

Be at one with your emotions. Accept and bless all of them as the God Signal letting you know ‘where you are at’ with everything and everyone.

If you get caught up in the story, analysis, research and regurgitation of our wounds – meaning staying mired in them – you are missing the point.

You are not supposed to be a student of your negative emotions, any more than you are supposed to study life continually rather than just set yourself FREE to start living it.

What you are supposed to do is find and then LET GO of what is not serving you.

This is the trauma – the emotional fractures, lies, false beliefs and wounds – that are NOT who you really are.

But you can’t do that unless you are determined to meet them and be with them.

If you take the talk therapy track; you hang on to your victimisation. If you identify with these traumas and negative emotions, you simply get stuck and snagged up in your emotions.

If you join groups of ‘survivors’ or ‘victims’, then your only hope is to try to manage the symptoms of the remaining trauma inside of you.

Every time you decide that your negative emotions are you, or a part of you and your life, you hang on to them.

However, you can come back to the Soul Truth, that these negative emotions are only internalised false energies and beliefs inflicted on you.

They are NOT you!

When we Go Quantum we know that there is NO reason to regurgitate or be in the story.

We know we have methods that work directly with the subconscious in ways that the subconscious responds. We can feel, hold, load up and release dense trauma energy, unlike cognitive talk therapy, research and information gathering, which use our logical brain and doesn’t connect to or communicate with our limbic and nervous systems where the trauma energy is trapped.

Once we start working with our negative emotions the Quantum Way, we know that no matter what the trauma is, no matter how big and who it came from, that this information is truly irrelevant.

Yes the traumas you experienced were awful and terrible for you, and their effects have been grave, disastrous and far-reaching in your life, BUT what is relevant now is getting whatever that trauma is ‘up and out’ of your Being.

When this happens, you can simply return to your Coded True Self – which is joy, love, success and health.

When you start living this way, I promise you will realise that simply being with trauma – feeling it, loading it up without getting taken out into the head story, and then fully releasing it and living free from it – profoundly works.

These shifts are somatically felt.

It is so much more than ‘trying to think differently’.

It is a profound process of letting the pain and fear go, and being filled with your superconscious Light and Truth that reactivates you without trauma.

The result is this: you don’t just start trying to force yourself to heal and change – you just ARE healed and changed on that topic.

You emerge knowing and being the wholeness that you were once struggling to grasp, let alone retain.

But, as mentioned before, this doesn’t happen until you are willing to feel WHAT you need to feel and release and replace, from deep within your emotional visceral Being.

 

Being Self-Partnered and Feeling Your Feelings is Your True Divinity

When you start living like this, you will understand how natural it is to be in your body, navigating life from ‘Who Am I REALLY in regard to this?’ rather than trying to work out who to be via everything and everyone else.

It is such a relief to manage and heal your own painful emotions when triggered, rather than handing away your power to False Sources (narcissists) to try to force them to help you.

It is so beautiful to be anchored into your values and truths, and not to be so precariously susceptible to people’s actions, decisions and opinions of you.

When you are self-partnered and have fully accepted all of your emotions as divine and meant to be –‘You are showing me what I am in alignment with and what I need to heal within me’ – then you will become incredible self-accepting, self-loving and self-generative.

You will start to become and experience the glory of what it is to be an actualised human being – living life to your fullest potential; consciously aligning and integrating your subconscious with your conscious heart desires and superconscious Creator Self.

This is what Going Quantum is all about – going inwards and feeling. It is not just the new Neuro and Quantum Model of True Healing, it is also the model of your True Life.

If you deeply get this, let me know by writing below – ‘I am going to Go Quantum NOW!’

Self-partnering is the FIRST essential step to do this – and is exactly what my Thriver Processes teaches. Coming home powerfully, safely and lovingly to yourself.

I ask you to join me in my free healing workshop: The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.

You can do this by clicking the link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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safe as a single mom

4 Tips To Help You Feel Safe As a Single Mom

safe as a single mom

 

While living alone can come with a series of benefits for one’s mental well-being, it is also associated with a litany of challenges. One of these prominent challenges includes personal safety. Fortunately, there are easy ways to begin your journey as a single mother safely and securely. Here is how you can start today.

How to Feel Safe As a Single Mom

Have a Home Security System

In today’s day and age, technology can help people in a variety of ways. When it comes to your house, getting a home security system would be an excellent first step in ensuring your safety. This is because having this security system will not only ensure that people who are not supposed to be in your house stay out, but you will be alerted of any danger before it arises.

There are a series of components that can make a home security system even more powerful. For example, a motion detector will be able to track if someone suspicious that you were not expecting approaches your house. You will also be able to interface with the system so that it recognizes only you as the primary entrant. Wire-free cameras that latch onto the outside of the house is another cost-effective alternative to give you a view of what is taking place outside.

Build a Rapport With Neighbors

Moving into a new neighborhood can be a fun experience, but that does not mean you should ever let your guard down. One of the best ways to approach this is by establishing a support system in the form of your neighbors. When you move in, introduce yourself kindly and try to get their personal information. That way, if something were to happen and your family isn’t around, you can always rely on those next door to you.

Many people do not like trying to establish a relationship out of fear. However, do not let fear get in the way of helping out with your safety. You never know when an emergency may arise and if you will need swift assistance.

Do Not Reveal Your Status

There is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to being a single mother living alone in a home. However, you should realize that revealing this fact could prove to be a huge safety hazard. Unfortunately, many would-be criminals or thieves see a single mother with no one else living in the household as an easy target.

You can be confident in yourself all you please, but understand that many home invasions occur in groups and not just singular adversaries. Take pride in being independent and do not be ashamed of it. At the same time, be wise about it and do not make it obvious that it is only yourself and furniture inside your home.

Use Common Sense

Finally, you will always want to use common sense, especially to deter potential criminals. What does this entail? First, you will want to close all of the curtains so as to not reveal how many people are currently inside. Also, you will want to keep some of the lights on until late in the night. After all, the key for criminals is stealth and the ability to commit a crime without having their identity exposed. Also, make sure that your windows are shut and your doors are locked. You can spend money on security systems, but common sense helps.

As you can see, living alone can be fun, but it comes with great responsibility. Follow these tips and you will feel more safe and secure.

The post 4 Tips To Help You Feel Safe As a Single Mom appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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5 Ways to Feel Safe As a Single Mom After a Divorce

5 Ways to Feel Safe As a Single Mom After a Divorce

As a single mom, it’s important that you take every possible precaution to protect your family against potential dangers, therefore adding home improvements should be among your top priority.

The post 5 Ways to Feel Safe As a Single Mom After a Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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feel more confident

Want To Feel More Confident? Stop Apologizing!

feel more confident

 

Ever been in a situation like this before?

You don’t pick up the phone in time and when you call the person back, the first words out of your mouth are “I’m sorry.”

You bring store-bought cupcakes to your friend’s party and you utter “I’m sorry.”

You vent to a good friend about something going on, and you say, “Sorry for rambling.”

Notice the pattern going on?

You’re apologizing. Way too much. And it’s those apologies that are impeding your divorce recovery.

Want To Feel More Confident? Stop Apologizing!

Uncomfortable Truth #1: We’re raised to be people-pleasers.

We are natural caregivers. From an early age, you were most likely following your mother around, hoping to help her out, or taking care of your younger siblings. Or, you may have had a parent say to you at one time, “I need you to watch your brother/sister and make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

And what did you do? Well, in order to make your mom “proud” of you, you most likely did everything you could to please her. And that mentality probably stuck. You probably worked hard to get good grades to get your parents’ and your teachers’ approval. Because you didn’t want to disappoint them.

That mentality carried over into adulthood. You did everything to be a good partner and a good mother because you didn’t want to disappoint anybody. Society put unrealistic expectations on you to be a Stepford Wife. You were given a choice to either give up your career to be a stay-at-home mom, never getting paid or recognized for all the work you were doing, or to have a career, where you were still expected to do most of the household and child-rearing work.

And the only way to avoid disappointing others, and to shield yourself from conflict, was to say “I’m sorry.”

Even when it wasn’t your fault. Or didn’t warrant an apology.

Uncomfortable Truth #2: We were never taught to put ourselves first

Can you think of any time when you were growing up that your mom, or dad, or teacher, or some other adult close to you sat you down, and said, “Your dreams and goals matter just as much as anybody else’s. Let your voice be heard.

Instead, you were probably raised to be obedient and to not make a scene. Which is why, when we get divorced, we feel this crazy unnecessary guilt.

Oh, what a shame! You two have been married for so long!

Can’t you find a way to work it out? Your retirement will be so much harder now!

Ever find yourself saying “I’m sorry” as a response? To keep the peace?

Well, what about your feelings? And your happiness?

If you’re not sure where to even begin with being happy and not paralyzed by guilt, there’s one thing you must do.

Put yourself first for a change.

Here’s what you need to know.

There are dangers to saying “I’m Sorry.”

Danger 1: Frivolous apologizing = a signal that people can take advantage of you.

The reflexive apology you say sends the signal to that other person that you’re:

  • Willing to accept the blame for something you didn’t do
  • Sending them an invitation to wrong your or disrespect you again, because they don’t have to be held accountable to their actions.

Danger 2: Constantly apologizing makes it harder to stand up for yourself.

Even when you’re in a benign situation where you think you’re expressing regret, and you’re not saying “sorry” to keep the peace, there’s still an underlying danger.

Danger 3: Apologizing puts somebody else’s pain on you.

A simple “I’m sorry” may make you feel like you’re making a situation better, but what you’re actually doing is taking that person’s pain and shouldering it for them. That’s not helpful for anyone in that situation, and there are other ways to express support than just apologizing.

Alternatives to “I’m sorry.”

These alternative phrases do double duty in the best way possible. First, they convey empathy for another person without shouldering their pain. And second, they reinforce your boundaries without giving them up in the name of diffusing conflict or placating someone.

If your ex, your current partner, or a friend says they’re angry at something.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: Are you upset at something? Let’s discuss it.

When someone is having a hard time.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: This sucks that you’re going through this hard time. Please know that I’m here if you need anything.

You’re 15 minutes late to a meeting.

Instead of: Sorry I’m so late.

Say Instead: Thanks for your patience.

If there is a miscommunication between you and someone.

Instead of: I’m sorry for bothering you.

Say: There seems to be a communication issue here. What can we do to get this back on track?

If you bump into someone or are trying to get through a crowd.

Instead of: I’m sorry.

Say: Excuse me. I need to get through.

See how that works? You’re acknowledging empathy, but not at the expense of your well-being. Plus, you’re asserting your own needs and internalizing that you matter.

It can be challenging to shake off years of social conditioning. But at the end of the day, remember that you are not responsible for pleasing everybody, especially when it comes at the expense of them disrespecting you and taking advantage of you.

As you recover from divorce, remember that you matter and that you can express sympathy in ways that are authentic that continue to build you up, not tear you down.

So, how about you?

Do you apologize too much, especially when you don’t need to?

What can you say instead of “I’m sorry” next time?

The post Want To Feel More Confident? Stop Apologizing! appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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