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Give Yourself a Pat on The Back; You’re An Awesome Single Mom!

Give Yourself a Pat on The Back; You’re An Awesome Single Mom!

 Awesome single mom.jpg

“This is the family that we are, and we’ve got each other, and I believe that is more than enough.”  Jeanne Darst

My therapist always makes me start off every session by listing 4 things that are going well in my life.  I always find myself dashing up the stairs to her office thinking, “Crap!  I need to come up with the 4 good things!”

Why is this so hard?

My therapist swears she makes everyone do this, not just me, and she wouldn’t make everyone do it if this weren’t something we are all guilty of – having trouble looking at all the good in our lives.

And did you see the Dove Beauty post that was floating around the internet over the last couple of weeks?  The one where they show the difference in the pictures drawn based on a woman’s description of herself versus those drawn based on the description of a stranger?   It was crazy to see how much more beautiful strangers find us than we find ourselves.

That is jacked up, my friends.

Do you have any idea how amazing and gorgeous you are?

How many difficult things you get done every day – feeding picky eaters; getting up early to simultaneously prepare breakfast, pack lunches, find lost socks, sign homework and get everyone out the door; and the hundreds of other multi-tasking details that you stay on top of?

You’re An Awesome Single Mom!

You are a ROCK STAR.

You are kicking ass and taking names every day of the week.  Kid lost his left cleat?  You know where it is. No one at the office knows the name of the guy that came and did that thing for us?  You know where to find him.   Need to pick up something for dinner – ooh, and milk for the morning –  in between picking up kids from school and getting to tutoring, while still managing to feed everyone before 8pm, with at least one fresh vegetable making it to plate? You’re on it.

Yes, this stuff sounds small and unimportant.  But it’s not; it’s the stuff that makes life work.
The stuff that makes life good.

You only think it’s small and unimportant because so many other women are doing the same thing every day.  That’s my point – how amazing is this planet that so many people are out there every day doing all these small things that come together and made good lives for our families?

How good is this life right now?  Will you tell someone else how awesome they are?  Let’s shift the conversation.  Let’s stop talking about all the places where we aren’t satisfying our inner critic and start noticing and appreciating each other for the things we do to make life good for each other.

I’ll start – thank you for finding time to read this.  I know you are busy and I am so grateful you are here.  Now, it’s your turn.

Go get ‘em, rock star.

Single Mom Affirmations…Repeat After Me!

1. If I do nothing today besides hug my kids, then I’ve done enough.

2. I’m not the perfect mother, but I’m exactly the one my children need.

3. Today I will see the best in my child and the best in myself.

4. The decisions made by other moms do not need to dictate mine.

5. I have been called to motherhood—the most powerful calling in the world.

6. I respect my children; I respect myself.

7. Being a good mom takes courage, and today I’m feeling brave.

8. My mothering body is beautiful.

9. Today I will be the type of person I would like my children to become.

10. There’s value in showing my kids my vulnerability.

11. Not loving every moment of motherhood doesn’t mean I don’t love being a mom.

The post Give Yourself a Pat on The Back; You’re An Awesome Single Mom! appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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15 Things You Give up in a Relationship With a Narcissist

15 Things You Give up in a Relationship With a Narcissist

If you have experienced emotional abuse from a narcissist, it is okay for you to feel like you deserve better. It’s also okay to not know what better is, or what you deserve.

The post 15 Things You Give up in a Relationship With a Narcissist appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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relationship with a narcissist

15 Rights You’ll Give Up In a Relationship With a Narcissist

relationship with a narcissist

 

The following is a list of basic rights that should always be present in any relationship, but are missing in a relationship with a narcissist.

What you will get in a relationship with a narcissist, however, is emotional abuse. That’s what narcissists do; they emotionally abuse others to get their needs met.

Victims of emotional abuse are unsure if their experience can be justifiably defined as emotional abuse. Simply put, emotional abuse can be defined as any kind of behavior that is meant to subjugate or control another person by using humiliation, fear, and verbal assaults.

It can be as obvious as constant criticism and verbal abuse or as subtle as manipulation, intimidations, and consistently being impossible to please. It works as a form of brainwashing, tearing away at a person’s levels of self-confidence, self-worth, their trust in their perceptions, and their general sense of self. It can be done through belittling, constant berating, or intimidation. Sometimes, it can be hidden and disguised as advice, teaching, or guidance.

If you have experienced emotional abuse from a narcissist, it is okay for you to feel like you deserve better. It’s also okay to not know what better is, or what you deserve.

The following list is not only rights you give up in a relationship with a narcissist, but they are also rights you’ll have when in a healthy relationship.

15 Rights You’ll Give Up in a Relationship With a Narcissist

1. The right to receive emotional support.

2. The right to make your own choices without fear of judgment or criticism.

3. The right to feel as though your partner has nothing but good intentions towards you.

4. The right to receive encouragement from your partner.

5. The right to not fear rage or any other form of angry outburst from your partner.

6. The right to not fear your partner blaming you or accusing you of things.

7. The right to be called only names that you approve of.

8. The right to have your own views and opinions, even if they differ from your partner’s.

9. The right to be asked to do things instead of ordered by your partner.

10. The right to not fear physical threats or emotional harm from your partner.

11. The right to receive concise answers that deliver clear information on any matter that is of any legitimate concern of yours.

12. The right to feel as though your personal experiences and the things that you feel are real and valid.

13. The right to feel heard by your partner and communicated with on a polite and equal level.

14. The right to resolve any conflicts and receive a genuine apology for jokes that hurt or offend you.

15. The right to feel as though your hobbies, interests, and work are respected.

It is common for those who’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist to have a warped view of what they deserve from a relationship. If you believe you deserve negative treatment, you’re more likely to find yourself in a position where you’ll end up in another emotionally abusive relationship.

The list above should cement, in your mind and heart what you are deserving of in a relationship. Your road to recovery from narcissistic abuse begins with how you feel about yourself.

Do you believe you are worthy of better treatment?

Do you believe you are worthy of value and respect?

Do you treat yourself kindly and desire the same from others?

If you answered yes to those questions, with the list above and the knowledge that you deserve better, you’re well on your road to recovery.

If those questions tripped you up, if you aren’t in a healthy place as far as self-esteem, I’ve gifted you a list of what you deserve, not only from yourself but a relationship partner. Now, take that list and go get to work on healing your damaged self-esteem.

The post 15 Rights You’ll Give Up In a Relationship With a Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Why You Shouldn’t Give Up On Love After Narcissistic Abuse

Why You Shouldn’t Give Up On Love After Narcissistic Abuse

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I know, in this Community, Valentine’s Day can be a very painful day. When I was single I originally used to dread Valentine’s Day – it felt like such a confirmation that I was a  ‘relationship disaster’, yet once I started Thriver Healing it became my self-love day … and I thoroughly suggest you do the same!

But, more than this today, I want to talk to you about how you CAN Open your heart and love again after being devastated by a narcissist.

And it’s a very BIG and IMPORTANT topic because so many of you (as I originally felt too) never wanted to risk such excruciating love devastation again.

I understand – totally!

However, I also know what life is like on the other side – to make it here to real, safe, respectful and fulfilling love and I extend to you my hand and my heart to grant you the Life Raft to bring you here too.

 

 

Video Transcript

Zac and I just arrived off the plane and got settled in London, after a day and half of travel, and I just wanted to do this video for you today on Valentine’s Day. It’s such an important topic, about love, that is very dear to my heart.

But before I get into today’s topic, if you didn’t know why I am in London, I’m here doing a book tour for the next two weeks, celebrating the release of my new book. You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse’. You can find out all the details of the events and dates for the events here.

Okay, so onto today’s episode!

And it’s important for me to share this with you.  Some of you, as I am, are lucky enough to have wonderful partners in our life as a result of our inner work and breakthroughs. And others, as I once was too, are still struggling in painful relationships, or are single and feel a terrible defectiveness and loneliness on Valentine’s Day.

So many people in our community say, “I just can’t consider love again, I couldn’t risk ever going through that again.”

I get it. I truly do, one hundred percent! And please know, I am totally all for a healing hiatus after not just something as impactful as narcissistic abuse, but also any painful confusing or difficult relationship.

But can we safely love again? Can we open our heart enough to ever connect with another?

In today’s episode, I want to share with you how and why I believe the answer is a whopping big YES! As well as how this is possible, no matter how many times your heart has been broken and even if you think that real and true love is for other people, but just isn’t possible for you.

And the great news is, that you may not have realised yet that your ability to find and generate true love and avoid narcissistic and false love, has absolutely nothing to do with other people at all! You can take your power back and be the firm creator of this, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.

That’s not just glib. It’s the absolute truth!

So how can we have different love experiences than our past? The answer is: by changing the only person that we have the power to change, ourselves, at the Inner Identity level, because it is then that we DO change our internal love code.

Let’s look at this.

 

The Breakup:  The Breakdown Leading to Love Breakthrough

I really want you to know that after breaking up with someone, straight away or even decades later, this grants us the most incredible opportunity to heal within, to ensure we will never have to go through what we suffered again.

And of course, we can’t do this if we do what narcissists do, try to replace a love partner with new supply, just as someone would purchase a new puppy after their dog got run over. Of course, this is simply a continuation of more of the same, as well as absolutely no idea about what true love requires from our self and others.

Most of us could not just go after a new love partner after narcissistic abuse anyway. The truth is, for most of us, our soul is/was so shattered that there is very little chance of jumping back into a fire, and if we did the results would be almost sure to be disastrous.

Without Thriver Tools to deeply partner and heal our shattered self, it can take a long time before we feel ready for another relationship, or could even contemplate risking going through such a near-death experience again.

That’s exactly how I felt after my narcissistic relationship. It took me over three years to have another love relationship. At first, I was devastated that I was alone and shattered and thought that I would have no choice but to remain that way. However, as my Thriver Recovery got underway, I realised that the most profound relationship that I needed to establish was an integrated, unconditionally loving and accepting one with myself.

I realised that I had been the person missing in my life all along, and it was the lack of this that had caused me to hand my power away to abusers trying to earn their love, as well as cling to them throughout the abuse, because I hadn’t been filled and whole enough with my own love to let go.

The greatest relationship we can ever have is the one with ourselves and Source. And now I know that means seeing ourselves as Source sees us, lovable and worthy of love and Life’s blessings as we are and knowing that if we know this and let go of all the internal and extremal trauma not allowing us to be this, then we can be and will experience an incredible life, as well as true love.

The thing that I had been missing to this point regarding ‘love’ was this; True Love had to be between me and myself first.

There is a huge difference between loneliness and aloneness. The first experience is condemning the state and place we are in, whereas aloneness is using the state and the place we are in to have our healing hiatus to change our life and love potential beyond previous painful patterns.

 

How Did We Get Our ‘Love Beliefs’?

Why would we want to miss out on love? Everything that is great is a derivative of love. Love fills our heart, and it deepens our connection with life, self and others in blissful and miraculous ways.

Love can be ignited within us whether we are looking at the perfect symmetry of a flower, or being the recipient of a child’s smile, or petting our animal companions, or being held in the warm embrace of someone we love who loves us.

This following is the only reason we want to forego love – because of the traumatic beliefs that love hurts, and even that love can annihilate us.

Okay, so how did these terrible love beliefs get on board?

They are to do with our past life, epigenetic, childhood and repeat adult love traumas. These are the horrible experiences we’ve had in granting our hearts to people, who have smashed us open.

For many, this happened in childhood as complete dependents relying on caretakers who were possibly much less than healthily loving.

I firmly believe the truth is because of Quantum Law, ‘so within so without’, the traumas of these painful experiences were already in our energy fields pre-birth (science is now proving the truth of epigenetically inherited trauma), and the patterns continue via childhood and then into adulthood, until we can change the trauma pattern deep within ourselves.

Thankfully, now with Quantum Tools, we can release these traumas and free ourselves of the fear of love, to be able to show up in love healthily and solidly whilst being able to be loving, open, powerful and self-honouring simultaneously.

That is our love success holy grail.

The people I know who have got to that level, did everything to let go of the traumas of their past as their greatest mission, knowing that these weren’t keeping them safe, and they brought in their Source True Self replacement in its place, which allowed them to be authentic and showing up as their own Source of true power and safety.  They did this by working with NARP.

That’s what granted them the powerful shift in their internal Love Code.

 

When We Change Our Love Beliefs, We Change Our Choices

If we are free of the fears of love (the trauma related to it) as a result of the inner work, and we know how to navigate love healthily and safely, then I promise you we can connect with real love that is beautifully fulfilling.

False, unhealthy, unsafe love starts with a bang and degenerates. Real and healthy soulmate love is more of a slow burn. It is humane, respectful, and caring. It’s built on a basis of friendship and shared values as well as attraction and connection. It grows and expands over time. Respect, care, love, and consideration deepen as the relationship progresses.

And this is so interesting because truly our intimate relationship can mirror the Thriver healing relationship we are having with our self.

Over time, whilst on our inner dedicated healing journey, the more we self-partner, release trauma and bring in Source, this is exactly how our relationship with ourselves grows, as deeper and deeper self-love, tenderness, connection and devotion.

When we love our Inner Being, we do what any concerned adult would do for their own child, treat it with care, sensibility and wise guidance.

No longer do we live in ‘instant relationship’, ‘fairy-tale-love’ or ‘if love hurts it must be because it’s real‘. We drop these illusions, knowing that they are fraught with disappointment, heartfelt pain and even abuse.

And we stop believing that love ‘just happens’. It doesn’t.  It means getting very clear about our values, who we can have a wonderful relationship with and aligning with that truth.

Real love means choosing to take our time to get to know people and having the relationship grow at a pace that is healthy and incremental, to ascertain if this person, their life and character is a fit for who we are and how we wish to live.

If we have come from previous relationships where we handed power away and clung to abusers, instead of leaving to take care of ourselves, it means treating ourselves with the love, respect and boundaries that allow others to know our worth and how to treat us.

Real love can mean tough love. Not only does it mean going the extra mile for others out of the goodness of your heart, it also requires having difficult conversations when needed. And, if it turns out another’s values are not aligned with yours, then you love people enough to let them go and no longer hold them responsible for not giving you what you believed they should.

Real love also means taking on the gift of your own development to keep generating your truth with yourself and available people who are aligned with that truth.

 

The Belief That ‘The End’ is Something Terrible

Real love means growing out of the requirement that all relationships must end as ‘happily ever after’ and that they are a failure if they don’t. Or, that suffering is inevitable when we end a relationship because we feel we want to die if they end, or we can’t stand the thought of that person being with another. We may fear this terribly even though we were miserable and completely mismatched with them.

Or, maybe, we are so scared of ending a relationship, or feel so bad about doing that, that once we have connected with someone we make every excuse to just ‘go along’ even though we know in our heart that it’s not right to do so. That’s not serving them or us lovingly or truthfully at all.

Naturally, and for obvious reasons, these are major limiting beliefs that we all need to work with and heal to be able to explore and connect with relationships healthily, which also means having the right and power to end it if it becomes ‘no longer a true and healthy connection’.

 

Authenticity – Your Love, Power and Safety

This I know now after narcissistic abuse, healing my relationship with myself and being determined to enjoy the wondrous life and truth of ‘connection’ – that my ability to show up truthfully is what makes relationships safe. As does being truthful to myself about what character and values I require in a partner, in order to relate to such a person on a deep, true, loving soul level.

People who are ‘not nice people’ show you who they are. They tell you or demonstrate to you their lack of values, empathy, and lack of consideration for others, if you give it some time and don’t make excuses for them.

If we choose someone without the resources to be a loving partner, we are only going to have either a very superficial relationship with someone who doesn’t grant us what we really want, or we will have a struggle trying to force them to be who we wish they could be.

Either way equals how to lose at love.

The real questions are:

  • Are we prepared to be and connect to real love at that level?
  • Do we deserve to receive the best in love as well as give our best?
  • Are we going to be self-devoted enough to work on our wounds so that we don’t keep emotionally rolling around with more people who represent these exact wounds hoping they will do it better ‘this time’?
  • Are we able to choose people for their character and heart rather than their flashiness, looks or stuff?
  • Are we able to walk away if the relationship turns out not to have the resources and foundations that would make it safe, prosperous and divine?
  • Are we prepared to lose another rather than lose ourselves?

I hope that somewhere deep in your soul I have inspired you this Valentine’s Day to believe there is a way through the mess we have lived with narcissists, to reach real love. I promise you that if I could do this, after what I’ve experienced, you can too.

Okay, so, if deep inside your soul you know love is for you and you want to connect with it first safely and powerfully within you, and then as a healthy, kind and powerful outflow to others (in a way where you never have to go through abuse again) then I’d love to help you achieve this. To do so come over to my 16 Day free course, where you start healing your traumas and your heart to go free and experience love with other beautiful people for real.

You can get this started by clicking the link here.

And, if you liked this video, click the Like button, and if you want to see more of my videos subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And please share this with others so that they can learn how to create truly loving relationships.

And again a very happy Valentine’s Day from me in lovely London and I look forward to your comments and questions below.

 

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