Happy Valentine’s Day!
I know, in this Community, Valentine’s Day can be a very painful day. When I was single I originally used to dread Valentine’s Day – it felt like such a confirmation that I was a ‘relationship disaster’, yet once I started Thriver Healing it became my self-love day … and I thoroughly suggest you do the same!
But, more than this today, I want to talk to you about how you CAN Open your heart and love again after being devastated by a narcissist.
And it’s a very BIG and IMPORTANT topic because so many of you (as I originally felt too) never wanted to risk such excruciating love devastation again.
I understand – totally!
However, I also know what life is like on the other side – to make it here to real, safe, respectful and fulfilling love and I extend to you my hand and my heart to grant you the Life Raft to bring you here too.
Zac and I just arrived off the plane and got settled in London, after a day and half of travel, and I just wanted to do this video for you today on Valentine’s Day. It’s such an important topic, about love, that is very dear to my heart.
But before I get into today’s topic, if you didn’t know why I am in London, I’m here doing a book tour for the next two weeks, celebrating the release of my new book. ‘You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse’. You can find out all the details of the events and dates for the events here.
Okay, so onto today’s episode!
And it’s important for me to share this with you. Some of you, as I am, are lucky enough to have wonderful partners in our life as a result of our inner work and breakthroughs. And others, as I once was too, are still struggling in painful relationships, or are single and feel a terrible defectiveness and loneliness on Valentine’s Day.
So many people in our community say, “I just can’t consider love again, I couldn’t risk ever going through that again.”
I get it. I truly do, one hundred percent! And please know, I am totally all for a healing hiatus after not just something as impactful as narcissistic abuse, but also any painful confusing or difficult relationship.
But can we safely love again? Can we open our heart enough to ever connect with another?
In today’s episode, I want to share with you how and why I believe the answer is a whopping big YES! As well as how this is possible, no matter how many times your heart has been broken and even if you think that real and true love is for other people, but just isn’t possible for you.
And the great news is, that you may not have realised yet that your ability to find and generate true love and avoid narcissistic and false love, has absolutely nothing to do with other people at all! You can take your power back and be the firm creator of this, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.
That’s not just glib. It’s the absolute truth!
So how can we have different love experiences than our past? The answer is: by changing the only person that we have the power to change, ourselves, at the Inner Identity level, because it is then that we DO change our internal love code.
Let’s look at this.
The Breakup: The Breakdown Leading to Love Breakthrough
I really want you to know that after breaking up with someone, straight away or even decades later, this grants us the most incredible opportunity to heal within, to ensure we will never have to go through what we suffered again.
And of course, we can’t do this if we do what narcissists do, try to replace a love partner with new supply, just as someone would purchase a new puppy after their dog got run over. Of course, this is simply a continuation of more of the same, as well as absolutely no idea about what true love requires from our self and others.
Most of us could not just go after a new love partner after narcissistic abuse anyway. The truth is, for most of us, our soul is/was so shattered that there is very little chance of jumping back into a fire, and if we did the results would be almost sure to be disastrous.
Without Thriver Tools to deeply partner and heal our shattered self, it can take a long time before we feel ready for another relationship, or could even contemplate risking going through such a near-death experience again.
That’s exactly how I felt after my narcissistic relationship. It took me over three years to have another love relationship. At first, I was devastated that I was alone and shattered and thought that I would have no choice but to remain that way. However, as my Thriver Recovery got underway, I realised that the most profound relationship that I needed to establish was an integrated, unconditionally loving and accepting one with myself.
I realised that I had been the person missing in my life all along, and it was the lack of this that had caused me to hand my power away to abusers trying to earn their love, as well as cling to them throughout the abuse, because I hadn’t been filled and whole enough with my own love to let go.
The greatest relationship we can ever have is the one with ourselves and Source. And now I know that means seeing ourselves as Source sees us, lovable and worthy of love and Life’s blessings as we are and knowing that if we know this and let go of all the internal and extremal trauma not allowing us to be this, then we can be and will experience an incredible life, as well as true love.
The thing that I had been missing to this point regarding ‘love’ was this; True Love had to be between me and myself first.
There is a huge difference between loneliness and aloneness. The first experience is condemning the state and place we are in, whereas aloneness is using the state and the place we are in to have our healing hiatus to change our life and love potential beyond previous painful patterns.
How Did We Get Our ‘Love Beliefs’?
Why would we want to miss out on love? Everything that is great is a derivative of love. Love fills our heart, and it deepens our connection with life, self and others in blissful and miraculous ways.
Love can be ignited within us whether we are looking at the perfect symmetry of a flower, or being the recipient of a child’s smile, or petting our animal companions, or being held in the warm embrace of someone we love who loves us.
This following is the only reason we want to forego love – because of the traumatic beliefs that love hurts, and even that love can annihilate us.
Okay, so how did these terrible love beliefs get on board?
They are to do with our past life, epigenetic, childhood and repeat adult love traumas. These are the horrible experiences we’ve had in granting our hearts to people, who have smashed us open.
For many, this happened in childhood as complete dependents relying on caretakers who were possibly much less than healthily loving.
I firmly believe the truth is because of Quantum Law, ‘so within so without’, the traumas of these painful experiences were already in our energy fields pre-birth (science is now proving the truth of epigenetically inherited trauma), and the patterns continue via childhood and then into adulthood, until we can change the trauma pattern deep within ourselves.
Thankfully, now with Quantum Tools, we can release these traumas and free ourselves of the fear of love, to be able to show up in love healthily and solidly whilst being able to be loving, open, powerful and self-honouring simultaneously.
That is our love success holy grail.
The people I know who have got to that level, did everything to let go of the traumas of their past as their greatest mission, knowing that these weren’t keeping them safe, and they brought in their Source True Self replacement in its place, which allowed them to be authentic and showing up as their own Source of true power and safety. They did this by working with NARP.
That’s what granted them the powerful shift in their internal Love Code.
When We Change Our Love Beliefs, We Change Our Choices
If we are free of the fears of love (the trauma related to it) as a result of the inner work, and we know how to navigate love healthily and safely, then I promise you we can connect with real love that is beautifully fulfilling.
False, unhealthy, unsafe love starts with a bang and degenerates. Real and healthy soulmate love is more of a slow burn. It is humane, respectful, and caring. It’s built on a basis of friendship and shared values as well as attraction and connection. It grows and expands over time. Respect, care, love, and consideration deepen as the relationship progresses.
And this is so interesting because truly our intimate relationship can mirror the Thriver healing relationship we are having with our self.
Over time, whilst on our inner dedicated healing journey, the more we self-partner, release trauma and bring in Source, this is exactly how our relationship with ourselves grows, as deeper and deeper self-love, tenderness, connection and devotion.
When we love our Inner Being, we do what any concerned adult would do for their own child, treat it with care, sensibility and wise guidance.
No longer do we live in ‘instant relationship’, ‘fairy-tale-love’ or ‘if love hurts it must be because it’s real‘. We drop these illusions, knowing that they are fraught with disappointment, heartfelt pain and even abuse.
And we stop believing that love ‘just happens’. It doesn’t. It means getting very clear about our values, who we can have a wonderful relationship with and aligning with that truth.
Real love means choosing to take our time to get to know people and having the relationship grow at a pace that is healthy and incremental, to ascertain if this person, their life and character is a fit for who we are and how we wish to live.
If we have come from previous relationships where we handed power away and clung to abusers, instead of leaving to take care of ourselves, it means treating ourselves with the love, respect and boundaries that allow others to know our worth and how to treat us.
Real love can mean tough love. Not only does it mean going the extra mile for others out of the goodness of your heart, it also requires having difficult conversations when needed. And, if it turns out another’s values are not aligned with yours, then you love people enough to let them go and no longer hold them responsible for not giving you what you believed they should.
Real love also means taking on the gift of your own development to keep generating your truth with yourself and available people who are aligned with that truth.
The Belief That ‘The End’ is Something Terrible
Real love means growing out of the requirement that all relationships must end as ‘happily ever after’ and that they are a failure if they don’t. Or, that suffering is inevitable when we end a relationship because we feel we want to die if they end, or we can’t stand the thought of that person being with another. We may fear this terribly even though we were miserable and completely mismatched with them.
Or, maybe, we are so scared of ending a relationship, or feel so bad about doing that, that once we have connected with someone we make every excuse to just ‘go along’ even though we know in our heart that it’s not right to do so. That’s not serving them or us lovingly or truthfully at all.
Naturally, and for obvious reasons, these are major limiting beliefs that we all need to work with and heal to be able to explore and connect with relationships healthily, which also means having the right and power to end it if it becomes ‘no longer a true and healthy connection’.
Authenticity – Your Love, Power and Safety
This I know now after narcissistic abuse, healing my relationship with myself and being determined to enjoy the wondrous life and truth of ‘connection’ – that my ability to show up truthfully is what makes relationships safe. As does being truthful to myself about what character and values I require in a partner, in order to relate to such a person on a deep, true, loving soul level.
People who are ‘not nice people’ show you who they are. They tell you or demonstrate to you their lack of values, empathy, and lack of consideration for others, if you give it some time and don’t make excuses for them.
If we choose someone without the resources to be a loving partner, we are only going to have either a very superficial relationship with someone who doesn’t grant us what we really want, or we will have a struggle trying to force them to be who we wish they could be.
Either way equals how to lose at love.
The real questions are:
- Are we prepared to be and connect to real love at that level?
- Do we deserve to receive the best in love as well as give our best?
- Are we going to be self-devoted enough to work on our wounds so that we don’t keep emotionally rolling around with more people who represent these exact wounds hoping they will do it better ‘this time’?
- Are we able to choose people for their character and heart rather than their flashiness, looks or stuff?
- Are we able to walk away if the relationship turns out not to have the resources and foundations that would make it safe, prosperous and divine?
- Are we prepared to lose another rather than lose ourselves?
I hope that somewhere deep in your soul I have inspired you this Valentine’s Day to believe there is a way through the mess we have lived with narcissists, to reach real love. I promise you that if I could do this, after what I’ve experienced, you can too.
Okay, so, if deep inside your soul you know love is for you and you want to connect with it first safely and powerfully within you, and then as a healthy, kind and powerful outflow to others (in a way where you never have to go through abuse again) then I’d love to help you achieve this. To do so come over to my 16 Day free course, where you start healing your traumas and your heart to go free and experience love with other beautiful people for real.
You can get this started by clicking the link here.
And, if you liked this video, click the Like button, and if you want to see more of my videos subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And please share this with others so that they can learn how to create truly loving relationships.
And again a very happy Valentine’s Day from me in lovely London and I look forward to your comments and questions below.