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The Definitive Guide To Going No Contact With A Narcissist

The Definitive Guide To Going No Contact With A Narcissist

 

Going No Contact can be excruciatingly difficult to do.

Narcissists are curly – they are very capable of manipulating, duping or guilting you into succumbing, and feigning the remorse necessary to get you back into the relationship.

Maybe you are feeling the intense trauma of loneliness, panic and longing … so much so that you can’t stop yourself caving in and making contact again.

Please know this is NOT your fault. You just haven’t learnt the rules and the HOW to deal with this yet!

It is completely usual for most people to break No Contact repeatedly. That is until they know the information that I am going to share with you today.And this is my greatest wish today, that this Thriver TV episode grants you the vital information to KNOW what an empowered No Contact looks like and HOW to do it.

I want you to be able to break away, stay away, and start your Thriver healing journey for REAL.

 

 

Video Transcript

Going No Contact with a narcissist can be such a difficult thing to do.

It’s not just difficult on an emotional level. Many people don’t know the practical steps to take to make it happen, and this is why I wanted to create today’s TTV episode for you – to help you understand and get clear about how to do No Contact as well as hold it.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my Channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

So … let’s dive in.

 

You Don’t Need to Explain That You Are Ending Contact

People ask me all the time, whether you need to tell a narcissist it’s over. My answer is this: if you do, make it the final statement and then block and delete immediately.

The danger, if you don’t immediately cease communication, is that the narcissist will throw a hand grenade at you – something that hurts you, hooks you back in, and gets you defending or justifying yourself.

You want to avoid this at all cost!

Going No Contact means that you have had enough. It means that you know there is no point going around in a three-ring circus of arguments with the narcissist anymore. It means that you know you have no choice other than to end the relationship, because it is not getting better, resolution isn’t ever going to be reached and that there is simply no point in trying – because nothing works.

More than this, No Contact is an act of self-love. It means, ‘I love me enough to save my life and my soul for this torture, devastation and destruction.’

In fact, what it really means is, ‘I am going to stop destroying myself.’

Going No Contact without explanation is absolutely fine. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Block and Delete

This is where we need to stand up to ourselves and not leave any lines of communication open. There will almost definitely be times when we will think, ‘I wonder if he or she is missing me; if he or she will get in touch’. Yet, truly, I want you to know, with every fibre of my being, our job in recovery is to release these thoughts and not to get mired down in them.

My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) Healing System helps you powerfully achieve the release (if you are diligent about doing inner work with the Modules when these times strike).

When you know you have done No Contact to save your soul, you will know that it’s time to take the stand with yourself to block and delete this person. With all the technology now available, you have the ability to do this. And if you are not sure how, you can Google it.

Trust me. Block and delete is a great thing for you to do for yourself. You don’t want to be wondering every time you receive a phone call, email or a text message, ‘Is that him or her?’

Don’t answer unregistered numbers or random text messages. Just delete!

 

Vital Boundaries with Social Media

When you are serious about going No Contact, this means no stalking their social media. You have decided you can’t have this person in your life anymore, and your mission is to heal and create your own life.

There is no purpose or value whatsoever in looking on social media to see what he or she is up to. I’ll give you this tip: all of us who have recovered from narcissists have gone through being replaced with fresh and new supply. Until doing your Thriver healing work, of course, this can be excruciatingly painful.

You obsessing, trying to find out about what is going on in your ex’s life, researching the new partner and all the other things that can go on, are one of the surest ways to traumatise yourself and delay your healing into your incredible Thriver Life of real love and relationships.

Make sure you block all this person’s accounts so that you can’t see what they are up to. Also, block other people connected closely to him or her, or unfriend them, which leads me to the next section.

 

The Narcissist’s Friends, Family and Pets

The real questions here are: ‘Can you still see these people without having the need for any conversation about the narcissist?’ and ‘Are you concerned about what news may get back to the narcissist?’

I know you may be in the same social circles. Or maybe people from the narcissist’s life have been in your life for many years and you have close relationships with these people. Maybe you have been very close to the narcissist’s children, or even their pets.

I understand deeply the trauma of leaving people behind. I have had to do it myself. There is generally a great deal of loss involved when leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship – both practically and personally.

However, this I know for sure, we have to be willing to lose it all to get it all – we have to LET GO. It is the hardest thing to do, but it is the only way that we get to reclaim our life, our soul and start generating our True Life.

Be very clear, to go forward there can’t be the muck – the conversations, the checking in, the staying connected by proxy. Yes, you may have to start again, but what a start it will be. Honour what your soul really needs – a complete detox of the narcissist – and you will be filled with glory, beauty and truth.

My suggestion is to break ties, as much as possible, and don’t get caught up in the anger or retaliation of ‘Why should I have to do that?’. It won’t serve you well. Only YOU making the moves that look after your soul and health will.

 

Keeping No Contact

It’s usual for a narcissist to try to get you to break No Contact.

Be aware that this will be attempted by getting to you through your ‘gaps’.

The narcissist may send a message to you, from someone else, about something sweet and lovely. A delivery of flowers may arrive. He or she will only be trying to appeal to your sentimental nature.

This could push your buttons, and you may feel guilty if you don’t reply.

Alternately, you may receive word of smearing and accusations, which the narcissist knows will make you irate and retaliate.

Or there could be a seemingly innocent request, through someone else, that you think is harmless.

The narcissist could send a message that he or she is sick or desperately needs your help; or that they have ‘seen the light’ and are willing to get help.

The list of ways a narcissist can hoover you back, goes on and on.

If you still have parts within you that you need to shore up, that are susceptible to being manipulated, you will be triggered.

My strongest recommendation in these times is to get very clear – if this person is a narcissist and meets the criteria that I share in this article Are You With A Narcissist? then they are not going to magically morph into a healthy, safe person for you to reconnect with.

Time and time again I hear reports from people who capitulated and went back hoping that things would be different, only to discover that things got worse.

To not fall for the hoover, it is vital to turn inwards to heal the triggers that are haunting you. You can then go free and be even stronger and more resolute about continuing to detox this person and move forward.

 

Enforcing No Contact

I love it when people get tough with narcissists.

When we are done, we are done.

And when we are done, we need to mean it. Yes it hurts; yes it is disappointing; and of course there is a whole lot of angst, uncertainty and fear in creating our new life. But when we know that going back is never an option – we mean it.

Myself and many others have had to get to the point where if stalked and confronted it’s like, ‘I am calling the police’. Meaning – you have by word or action told this person you wish no contact from them and that they are compromising your boundary.

You have the right to put an intervention order on someone who is harassing you, making you feel uncomfortable and is not respecting your personal self and your ‘no more’.

This is the thing… Narcissists feed off fear, like sharks do from blood. If you are not scared and stand up and enforce your boundaries, narcissists cannot be in your space. They will take their narcissistic behaviour somewhere else.

 

Being Fearless Moving Forward

People purport that narcissists never stop terrorising them.

This is NOT true

As Pema Chodron said, ‘Nothing ever leaves our experience until it has taught us what we need to learn.’

If you are stuck in trauma, unhealed beliefs, and fear, then yes the narcissist will keep terrorising you.

If you are diligently working on healing your inner trauma and belief systems, that the narcissist has made conscious for you, then he or she will leave your experience.

Your goal is to heal all of this so that you live authentically and without fear.

What does that mean?

It means this…

So WHAT if he or she tries to stalk me?

So WHAT if he or she looks up my social media?

So WHAT if he or she tries to smear me?

So WHAT if he or she does a drive by?

If you just keep releasing with NARP everything that is triggered, stay cool and calm, and get on with being yourself and doing your life, then it will all melt away.

Then you will heal and be free. And I promise you that the narcissist not getting any narcissistic supply from you – physically and even vibrationally (oh yes, please know that does feed them) – means they will have to go and hassle someone else.

 

For More About No Contact…

I really hope this TTV episode has helped you with how to navigate No Contact. If you haven’t claimed it already, please know that my 16-Day Course has a comprehensive guide on How To Do No Contact, where you can learn even more.

And it’s my totally FREE gift to you! No Contact is a vital piece of your recovery.

To claim, please click on this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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mothers day gift guide

Your 2019 Single Moms Mother’s Day Gift Guide

mothers day gift guide

 

Single Mom Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2018

No one is more deserving of a great gift this Mother’s Day than all the hardworking single moms out there. They are especially deserving of being remembered on their special day. So, if you know a single mom you love and care about, make sure she knows she is cared about and respected for the hard work she does daily.

Not sure what to get a single mama in your life? We’ve got you covered. From inspirational posters she can frame to pretty trinkets that show your appreciation, you’re sure to find something on our list for the superhero single mom you know.

1. Badass Single Mom Coffee Mug 

This mug is an homage to all the strong, do it all, badass single moms out there!

Get the badass coffee mug here.

2. A Selfie Stick

Why are Moms never in the picture? Because they’re the ones behind the camera taking the pictures. Give a Mom a selfie stick and the chance to show up in images with her kids.

Get that selfie stick here.

3. A Gift Card For Stitch Fix

Let’s face it: Personal style gets the short shrift when you have a busy single mom’s schedule. Remedy that with a gift card for Stitch Fix. Based on the style profile she creates, she’ll receive five hand-picked clothing items selected by the site’s team of professional stylists. She’ll get to keep what she likes and send back the rest.

Get the Stitch Fix card here.

4. Amazon Gift Card

Nothing says I love you like a gift card from Amazon.  Most single parents rely on Amazon so they can make their lives easier. Really, I don’t know one single mom that doesn’t use Amazon, and if they don’t, you will introduce to them the best invention yet.

Get her Amazon card here.

5. Single Mom Baby Bird Necklace

This necklace represents the single mom and her kids on a family tree branch.

Get the Single Mom necklace here.

6. You Can’t Scare Me Poster

You can’t scare me, I’m a single mom – a funny DIY card or poster in chalkboard-style

Get the poster here.

7. Shutterfly Photo Coasters

These adorable photo coasters are perfect for any mom to use around the house or on the go. Personalize with photos of kids, pets and more for a unique, individualized gift.

Get them here.

8. Maid for a Day

Life is stressful and so is keeping a clean home. A maid for a day could mean a few weeks less stress over a messy house for a single mom.

Get maid service here.

9. Socks, Socks and More Socks!

Like any good pick-me-up, funky socks will make her smile every time she puts them on.

Get her socks here?

The post Your 2019 Single Moms Mother’s Day Gift Guide appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide

How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide

Prepare to leave your abuser ahead of time to protect yourself and your assets. Your abuser may become violent and is likely to take financial assets or destroy evidence of abuse or infidelity. Take steps to protect yourself, your children, your assets and your credit. Stay safe when he is being served with the divorce complaint.

The post How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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How to Get a Low-Cost Divorce: The Definitive Guide (2019)

How to Get a Low-Cost Divorce: The Definitive Guide (2019)

Learn how to arrange a cheap and quick divorce, free of regrets

The post How to Get a Low-Cost Divorce: The Definitive Guide (2019) appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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529

A Divorced Mom’s Guide To Saving For Their Kid’s College

529

 

Are a you a single mom who puts the education of your children above your own retirement?

If so, you’re not alone. In a study referenced by Forbes, it was found that half of all single moms put their child’s education as their long-term financial priority, even above saving for their own retirement.

So, a lot of questions arise from the findings of single moms and their financial priorities. Why are divorced moms putting their kids’ college savings first when they are arguably a child’s priority?

Are there options for single moms that allow them to save for retirement and secure their children’s educational future?

What do most financial advisors recommend?

A Divorced Mom’s Guide To Saving For Their Kid’s College

Let’s dive in.

Divorced Moms Who Pay for Their Child’s Education Often Do So Out of Guilt

The above referenced study found that single parents are more likely to feel an obligation to help their adult children financially than traditional parents.

Often, single mom’s feel guilty about the divorce, not being able to spend as much time with their kids as they’d like (due to balancing careers), and because they want to give their child one less thing to think about in their future as they feel they have scarred them through the divorce.

So, what are the options for single moms to explore for a solid retirement and college savings balance?

Balancing Retirement and Your Kid’s College Fund

Most financial advisors would recommend that your retirement planning should come before that of your child. A couple of key reasons for this include the fact that retirement does not benefit from any federal loans whereas there are several ways to finance college. Further, tax breaks for investments are more generous than those for college savings, but there are ways to impactfully save for both.

What are the Best Options for College Savings?

Many single moms begin to consider their IRAs when thinking of ways to strategically pay for the education of their children. Turns out there is a much better way to save for both, and the college route generally involves what is called a 529 plan.

529 plans are qualified tuition plans and are tax-advantaged savings plans specifically designed for education-based saving. You have the option of two plans, depending on your ideal situation.

The first is prepaid tuition plans. These allow account holders to buy credits at participating educational institutions for the child’s future tuition.

The second college savings plan allows account holders to open an investment account that operates more like a traditional interest-bearing account, except directly aimed at educational savings.

Some of the benefits of a 529 plan include:

  • No dollar limit on contributions
  • You can use 529 plans to pay for elementary, middle, high school, or college
  • The ability to withdrawal the amount of any earned scholarships penalty-free
  • Protection from creditors in the event of a civil lawsuit, bankruptcy, etc.

Are there any negatives of a 529 for college savings?

There are some negatives to 529 plans. For starters, you can’t take income tax deductions for contributions, meaning you must pay federal taxes on the funds before adding them to the account. Another negative that is similar to many federal retirement plans is that you will be penalized if you withdrawal from the 529 account and don’t use the money for qualified education-based expenses.

What if My Child is Already College Age and I Don’t Have Savings?

While most financial planners would never recommend planning to use an IRA for college, there are some scenarios where it may be the only option. For example, if the divorced parent has not had time to contribute to a 529 plan, their sole option for helping their child may be to use their IRA.

The good news is that there are exceptions for IRA deductions specifically used for education expenses where no penalties will be incurred. This means you may be able to withdraw IRA earnings penalty-free, but not tax-free when you use the money for college.

This option, while not recommended, is ideal for single moms who have not planned on funding their retirement and saving for college.

In the perfect situation, a divorced mom will have multiple accounts set up to contribute to both their own retirement as well as the education of their children.

The post A Divorced Mom’s Guide To Saving For Their Kid’s College appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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field guide to dating after divorce

A Woman’s Field Guide To Dating After Divorce

field guide to dating after divorce

 

Dating after a divorce is both an exciting and difficult game for women. After years of marriage, going back to the dating game can be a daunting task. I know. After 18 years of marriage, 15 happy years and 3 years of hell, my divorce was finalized last year. Here’s what I learned out in the field of post-divorce relationships.

Times have changed and it’s a bit of a pain to prepare what to wear or what to say. But with dating apps all within your hand’s reach, meeting new people shouldn’t be a burden after all.

Many women feel reluctant to date after going through a divorce. The pain of the process may make them aloof of relationships, while others needed more time to heal. Many divorced moms tend to feel vulnerable at this point. One reason is that they used to have a spouse to protect them and there are children to consider.

Love is tough, but you don’t have to shut yourself out of the world. Dating again can make you feel alive and happy. You just have to know how to step out into the field again.

A 6 Step Field Guide To Dating After Divorce

1. Determine if you’re ready

Are you pressured by friends? Or are you emotionally and mentally ready? If you feel more of the latter, congratulations! You’re finally prepared to explore new relationships.

Don’t rush yourself into another relationship just to compensate for the emotional longing your former spouse left in you. Regardless if you’re in Year 1 or Year 5, being prepared is a case by case basis. Some take time while others get back up faster. And guess what, it’s all normal and okay.

If the idea of dating makes you feel off, it means you’re not yet ready. Give yourself more time.

2. Accept that you’re afraid

You don’t have to pretend that you’re a tough cookie just to date again. Accept that you’re afraid, your marriage has failed, and that you’re willing to start again.

It’s totally fine to “mourn” your failed relationship. However, don’t beat yourself up too much. It’s true that divorce may feel like an upheaval or betrayal, but you shouldn’t let yourself be consumed by negative thinking.

If you think you’re prepared, take a step forward and gamble with the idea of meeting and welcoming new people into your life.

3. Know what your intentions are

Before you go back to the dating game, ask yourself first, “what’s my intention of dating again?” If it’s to seek revenge on your ex, forget about it. It can be looking for a life-long partner, a short-term relationship that may lead to something, or purely for fun.

This intention will guide you on how you’ll deal with people while dating.

4. Join dating apps

Gone are the days when you’ll rely on someone else’s friend just to meet a new guy. You should decide first what kind of dating app you’ll want to join in. Are you into casual encounters without serious commitments or more of a serious meet-up thing?

If your end goal is to become sexually active, there are many sex dating apps that you can join in. However, take note that most men and women here have the end goal of being laid alone.

In case this isn’t what’s in your mind, it’s better to hop into casual dating apps. It always boils down to your intention of dating. As you see, it will determine how you will deal with a possible relationship: are you just testing the waters or looking for a life-long partner?

5. Learn from your mistakes

Now that you’ve decided to jump into the dating game, there’s one thing that divorce will teach you: learn from your mistakes.

Admit that you’ve committed mistakes from your past marriage. It might be bitter, but this will be your guiding light so you won’t repeat it on your next relationship.

Figure out what caused you to lose your husband or partner. Have you been too possessive? Have you lacked the intimate aspect? Each divorcee will have her own story.

6. Don’t stick to online contact

Once you’ve met someone online, don’t drag the communication on the web. Meet up after two or three weeks so you’ll know if the feelings or intentions are mutual. Is he someone just planning to get laid? Or is he someone looking for a partner for life?

It’s easy to fantasize over someone you met online. This is why it’s better to meet the person as soon as possible to check where the two of you are in terms of your relationship.

Still, practice caution: tell a friend where you’re going and invite the person to a public place first.

Remember that dating is a numbers game. About 4 out of 5 people you’ve dated will walk away. When this happens, don’t wallow into self-doubt. Just move forward and keep dating until you find your perfect match.

The post A Woman’s Field Guide To Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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