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Maintaining Your House During Divorce: A Quick Guide

Maintaining Your House During Divorce: A Quick Guide

If you own your home, deciding what to do with the house will be one of the largest – and possibly one of the most difficult – financial decisions that you and your spouse will have to make during divorce.

The post Maintaining Your House During Divorce: A Quick Guide appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to the Division of Matrimonial Assets

A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to the Division of Matrimonial Assets

The division of marital assets is crucial to the divorce process. Therefore, it’s vital to seek the advice and guidance of good divorce lawyers before you make any decisions.

The post A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to the Division of Matrimonial Assets appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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The Thriver’s Guide To Co-Parenting With A Narcissist

The Thriver’s Guide To Co-Parenting With A Narcissist

 

Narcissists don’t co-operate with joint parenting, and co-parenting with one can seem IMPOSSIBLE.

They like to disagree with anything you suggest; refuse to turn up or stick to prior arrangements and mess with your children’s appointments, possessions and their heads!

Are you feeling POWERLESS to get this person to see sense and act decently for the sake of the children? Are you sick of watching your children get hurt, distressed, disappointed and even blatantly abused?

If so, then I offer you this complete guide to a different way to parent with a narcissist that offers real healing solutions.

 

 

Video Transcript

When it comes to co-parenting with narcissists, it really seems impossible because they are not cooperative.

When co-parenting with a narcissist, he or she will commonly use the children to trigger you, affect you, keep you bound up in court and custody battles, and mine narcissistic supply from you.

This is a common way that narcissists continue to abuse ex-partners.

What can help significantly is Parallel Parenting, because this can create space, healing and power for you. It keeps your children removed from their parents’ battles, and also helps you have enough healing and detachment to be the solid, powerful influence that your children need you to be.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Now, let’s dive in.

 

What Is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel Parenting is a co-parenting experience where the parents are disengaged from each other and have limited direct contact. Parallel parenting is about enforcing boundaries and then holding them.

Parallel parenting means that you have separate parenting experiences. At first it can seem really counter-intuitive to do this, yet I promise you that this is the healthiest thing for your children.

One of the ways that continued contact between you and your narcissistic ex damages your children – even more than you could possibly imagine – is if they see you traumatised, feeling powerless, acquiescing and handing away yourself, rights and boundaries.

This sets up your children’s template to be abused or abusive when they get older. It’s what they will likely work from because it forms the foundations of their inner, learned Love Code.

The narcissist can also line you up by triggering you to then turn your children against you – by making you out as the ‘bad’ one.

Naturally, it can be very confronting for you to adopt that level of detachment, especially when the narcissist has your children.

Most definitely we would love to have input into our children’s wellbeing when they are with the narcissist. But the narcissist knows this, and it becomes one of the greatest hooks he or she will use to abuse you and potentially your children.

 

Doing What is Instinctively Natural DOESN’T Work.

Monitoring, lecturing and prescribing to a narcissist does not make them better parents. In fact, it energises them to act up against you and the children, and to use whatever it takes to keep triggering and punishing you.

This doesn’t just result in the children being disappointed, let down, neglected or abused. It also means that you become more traumatised and distraught, which then affects your ability to be a solid, stable, calm and peaceful influence for your children.

So, above all else, you want to take this power away from the narcissist. The more victimised, brutalised and resenting of the narcissist and the situation you feel, when trying to co-parent, the more painful the feeling of being victimised, brutalised and resentful will be, and the more you will co-generate, with the narcissist, these experiences.

Narcissists are a spiritual soul mirror of the most ferocious magnitude. Simply feeling traumatised by them, even without contact, feeds these people the physic energy to keep doing what they are doing.

I know it’s tough; I know it’s horrific.

My heart goes out to you in spades, because I don’t think there is anything more traumatising and serious than when our children are affected.

To survive this and then Thrive for you and your children, regardless of the narcissist co-parent, means that you need to find another way to deal with the situation – a way that works.

You need true solutions for you and your children, and now I’m going to give them to you in four significant steps.

 

Step Number 1 – Acceptance

To get started on the healthiest track for you and your children, it’s vital to accept that this co-parenting experience is happening; that you are not dealing with a reasonable person; and that the normal rules of engagement don’t apply.

Stop expecting this person to do the right thing, comply or make co-parenting harmonious. Let go of that requirement, and all your triggered trauma regarding it, and start focusing on your Being and generating what you CAN to make the best of the situation.

Know that you are in for the long haul, and accept this too. If you keep mired in the victimised feelings of the situation, not only is it going to be hard to emerge from it victorious, it is also going to be deeply detrimental to your children.

The greatest gift we can ever grant our children, is the knowing that life can deal lemons and that we DO have the resources and the way to make lemonade – regardless of how awful it is.

Passing on our victimisation to our children, means they too will remain trauma ridden and will continue the cycles of abuse/abused in their life and their future generation’s lives. The cycle will continue with them attaching themselves to people who make them feel victimised, let down and abused.

I promise you it is NOT true that both us and our children can’t heal when co-parenting is involved.

There are more people in this community having parallel parenting healthy experiences with narcissists than you could imagine. This isn’t some fluke – it’s because they have accepted their situation, rolled up their sleeves and worked very hard at their Beingness and putting in place what is necessary to achieve this.

What else is there to do?

 

Step Number 2 – Emotional Healing and Detachment

What it is that feeds the narcissist the energy needed to keep hurting you, are your emotional triggers.

Triggers that if left unattended inside you, above all else, will derail you. There are no bigger terrors, I believe, than the ones attached to our children being hurt, or the fears of losing them. And I know this is some of the most difficult inner work you can ever do.

Yet, no matter how counter-intuitive it is and hard it is to do, if you release these traumas you will emerge from them powerful and solid. You will absolutely be able to take action in powerful, clear ways without being derailed by your inner triggered trauma.

Then, in everyday shenanigans with a narcissist, you’ll know when a certain message does not require a response, whereas before it might have sent you into a spin.

You will be able to have boundaries, hold them and enforce them without fear.

And you will be able to gently, lovingly and solidly respond to your children, in ways that empower them rather than make them drown in deeper victimisation.

This STEP is completely foundational, essential and is truly the difference between struggling with co-parenting and achieving parallel-parenting that works. I can’t emphasis this enough!

If you try parallel parenting, whilst still feeling non-acceptance of the situation, triggered and victimised, you won’t be able to create solidness and safety. This is because the entire time the narcissist is still receiving the psychic energy from you to keep going after you for narcissistic supply.

Also, you will discover that the right people, assistance, answers, and breakthroughs DON’T come if there are unreleased traumas still screaming inside you.

What comes instead, is Life generating within you, to the letter, more of your already existing traumatised inner programmed beliefs about your situation.

My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) helps you release the trauma of co-parenting with a narcissist. It is the tool, these people who successfully parallel parent, use.

Over the years, I have had parents tell me that they don’t have time to NARP, because of the kids and the battles with the narcissist. But, truly, this is when we need to be doing this inner work the most. It is the only way I know of to start getting off the trauma hamster wheel with a co-parenting narcissistic ex.

 

Step Number 3 – Create Boundaries and Accountability

The key to successful parallel parenting is to legally create a strict Parenting Plan that contains as much detail in it that you feel necessary.

The Parenting Plan is about parenting separately. It means you don’t do children’s birthdays together. You have your own designated times for school and sporting events. You don’t have contact when dropping off or picking up the children. And it also means your ex can’t just turn up at your house at any time.

It’s vital to put a lot of thought into the Parenting Plan so that there are no grey areas and all contact – other than third party channels – is eliminated.

Also, you need to include a third-party communication hub such as Our Family Wizard (OFW). OFW is a favoured parallel-parenting communication tool in the Thriver Community.

Once set up, this portal is the only way you and the narcissist communicate. All communication is recorded, can’t be erased, and is admissible in court.

If the narcissist changes the plan for the parenting access or doesn’t even make contact – it is recorded. There is no need for you to, react, fix or mop up the pieces – and it is most important that you don’t!

Your boundaries – coupled with working hard with NARP on any triggers that go off within you – means that you can answer any request that comes through OFW as, ‘This is what I am prepared to do and this is what I am not prepared to do.’ Do not comply to the narcissist’s demands and changes. Stick to your agreed Parenting Plan.

Then just record, date and collate every incidence. Stay calm, keep shifting out what arises, and DON’T bite back.

The golden rule of using OFW is this: ‘Anything personal or abusive or accusatory, I remove myself from it and don’t reply to it – period. Any changes to the plan, I don’t comply to.’

See your solicitor to enforce necessary boundaries. Don’t try to bargain, reason with or get the narcissist to understand – that feeds them exactly the attention they are trying to get from you.

Again, every step of the way, keep shifting out any fear or pain that is triggered off within you with NARP.

When you use the portal correctly, keep releasing inner triggers, and don’t respond, the narcissist gets no payoff. He or she can’t extract narcissistic supply, and what they are trying to do gets completely exposed.

The narcissist will despise getting nothing from you. And if you are in court, give them nothing either. Don’t look at the narcissist or his or her solicitor, and only speak directly to the judge.

Then, when finally you have become emotionally disinterested in reacting to the narcissist’s games, and are simply dealing in your empowered, inwardly calm and solid way – everything shifts.

Many narcissists truly stop their ridiculous behaviour at this point. And I’ve even seen countless narcissists capitulate and give people exactly what they asked for regarding custody and settlements.

There is nothing more disconcerting for a narcissist than trying to affect a person, who is no longer affected by them. Additionally, this empowerment and calmness often enrages narcissists, who then metaphorically hang themselves with huge outbursts of nastiness. A narcissist unravelling may be recorded on OFW or appear for all to see in a courtroom.

From your side, please don’t ever diagnose the narcissist as having a personality disorder. Don’t try to expose character, but rather calmly present factual evidence regarding their behaviour.

Many a Thriver has legally won against a narcissist, because of this happening. I promise you, the narcissist is nowhere near as powerful as you may think.

Step Number 4 – Become A Thriver For You and Your Child

I totally believe that all of us, including our children, have at soul level made no mistakes about the learning, healing and growing journeys that we go through.

I know how well my son and countless children of other Thrivers have fared in this Community, because of what we went through with them and because we led the way. Instead of staying victimised and telling our children how bad our life and their lives were because of being with narcissists – we do something completely different.

We keep shifting out trauma and becoming wiser, more real, solid and true, regardless of what happened to us, what we lost or what the narcissist continued to try to do.

Leading by example, we teach our children incredible healing and empowerment because of what happened to us.

As a result of working hard on our inner wounds, we can clean up all the internal barriers to being self-generative. We can start emerging healthier and more able to create security, lifeforce, joy and resources. We are able to release the hooks of dependency that make us hand our power away to abusers.

By doing so, we become more evolved parents, despite circumstances, than we have ever previously been.

When Zac, my son, and I did a Facebook live presentation together recently, he shared how previously he couldn’t stand being around me – my victim energy was so toxic. Because of not healing myself effectively, I was completely absent for him. It wasn’t until I knew my biggest mission for Zac was to get well – that he did as well. And thank goodness I realised, because I nearly once lost him to parent alienation and then again to a drug and alcohol addiction.

All of these things are now in the past – and we couldn’t be closer as Mother and Son.

Such a shift within us as parents means that when our children are dismayed by the narcissist’s poor, disappointing or hurtful behaviour, you can fully validate how hurtful this feels, but stop reinforcing their helplessness and victimisation. This will happen when you don’t rubbish the other parent but empower your children instead.

You can do this by teaching them their worth, boundaries and rights through your own calm, clear actions. Also, by expressing to them how much you love them, see them and believe in them, regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing (including the narcissistic parent).

I have found that so many Thriver’s children gravitate to the Thriver parent, detach more and more from the narcissistic one, and become wise and empowered beyond their years.

And I can’t tell you how many special children, who are connected to Thriver parents in this community, are doing their own internal, organic versions of Quanta Freedom Healing, as a result of living with their Thriver parent. Even young children.

Imagine being four years of age and letting go of internal trauma and filling up with Source Energy, as a result of living with a parent who does this! It is happening. We are leading the way for these little Quantum Beings!

As adults, these children, as the result of a healing and evolving parent leading the way, will not need to continue unconsciously being involved in abusive relationships in order to awaken to their healing and evolution back to themselves.

What an incredible gift to get this out of the way so young! Can you imagine if we could have? Can you understand how this sets up the future generations to be conscious, authentic and free from abuse?

I so hope this video has helped.

As I said before. It is completely my belief that if you are co-parenting you need all the support, power and inner shifting you can get – for you and your children.

I invite you to join me in my free webinar, where I will take you through a Quanta Freedom Healing to get you started.

You can do this by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

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decision to divorce

Let Intuition Guide You In The Decision To Divorce And Beyond

decision to divorce

 

You have been unhappily married for quite some time and the possibility of divorce has crossed your mind.

You have been evaluating the pros and the cons of staying with your husband and it is a tough call. You feel miserable but it can feel so right at times…

Now what?

Read on for helpful tips on how to use meditation and tap into your intuition to guide you in making this difficult decision with poise and confidence.

Leaving the love of your life is no small task

Deciding whether to leave an unsatisfying marriage or sticking it out is no small task. It’s a major decision, as big as getting married, if not more. Therefore, it should not be made in haste or in the heat of an argument.

In addition to taking the time to evaluate your relationship, you need a peaceful and quiet mind, so that your inner wisdom can bubble up and guide you into taking the right course.

Unfortunately, we are often consumed by obsessive thinking. The truth is that solutions cannot come into a mind that is cluttered with thought patterns of fear, anger, victimhood, revenge or any negative emotion. So, the first step is to quiet the mind.

Let Intuition Guide You In The Decision To Divorce

Cultivate a peaceful mind through meditation

The best way to quiet the mind is through meditation. Meditation is a highly effective tool to heighten awareness and restore a sense of serenity and inner peace.

The word meditation conjures up all kinds of images, but the truth is that you do not have to stand up on your head chanting mantras nor lay on a bed of nails. You are not required to embrace beliefs that may conflict with your own. These mysterious associations may scare some people, but this does not need to be the case.

Meditation is essentially quieting the mind. Turning off the inner chatter that torments us with thoughts of the past and fear of the future.

These ceaseless thoughts steal our attention from living in the present moment, where the action is. Where things happen. Where ideas flow. Where change takes place.

Most of us have so much clutter revolving in our heads that we are convinced we cannot turn off our minds. Especially when we are in unhappy situations that consume our attention.

Yet meditation is not about instantaneously drawing a blank for hours at a time. You start by slowing down your thoughts until you eventually feel the bliss of serenity. And once you experience that peace, you will be hooked. You will never get enough of it.

Meditating is easy

The easiest method of meditation is to sit comfortably with your back straight, close your eyes and follow your breath. Focus your attention on your in-breaths and out-breaths for five to ten minutes. If thoughts arise while you’re meditating, release them and return your attention to your breath.

That’s it!

In time you can increase the duration of your meditation sessions, or try more sophisticated techniques.

As you can see, meditation is simple, free, needs no fancy equipment and can be practiced anywhere at any time.

There are countless styles of meditation. Choose the one that’s right for you. Experiment with different techniques until you discover the one that hits the spot.

You may switch styles at different times, depending on your mood and circumstances. Feel free to play on your own, and create a routine that will make you feel refreshed, alert and alive.

Learn new techniques and meet kindred spirits

Jumpstart your meditation practice! Take a class or go on retreat and meet fellow meditators who can support you on your practice. Pick up a book or browse online. The Internet is full of resources, including guided meditation videos to help you get started. Check out Simple Habit, a free meditation app to get you meditating in five minutes!

One of my favorite spiritual teachers, Tara Brach, has fantastic information on her website, including guided meditations and comprehensive meditation FAQs. Her peaceful demeanor and soothing voice will have you in the zone in no time.

Brach’s beautiful teachings have been instrumental in my spiritual evolution and can support you, too, as you transition from an unhappy marriage to an awakened life.

Like many people, you may be skeptical that you can meditate. Anyone can meditate, including you. And once your mind is quiet, you can let your intuition do its job and guide your decisions and actions in every situation.

Intuition: your internal guidance system

As you stand bewildered on a fork on the road wondering what to do, realize that you have an internal guidance system that knows the solution to every problem and the answer to every question. It’s called intuition.

Intuition is your inner sage. It is often referred to as the sixth sense or the “still small voice” within. Intuition is that hunch that nudges you to turn right when you know you’re supposed to turn left, only to avoid an accident or a traffic jam.

Intuition directs you to call a friend, only to learn this person was in danger or need, and your call was heaven sent. Perhaps it convinced you to walk into an unfamiliar store where you found an elusive item you had been long searching for.

Intuition is always active and available to guide you, anywhere, anytime. And it responds to your requests for assistance. It will help you discover the right answer every time, if you let it. It will show you the way.

When you follow your intuition and surrender to its guidance, things go smoothly and unfold in perfection.

Step back and get out of your own way 

Perhaps you have not enjoyed the full benefits of intuition up to now because you were not in tune with its power. We are conditioned to rely exclusively on our reasoning minds, and to reach our solutions from the (limited) pool of knowledge that we have. So we knock ourselves out over-thinking the solution to our problems when, in reality, we would do ourselves a favor if we stepped back and allowed intuition to step in and reveal the answers.

You have the gift of intuition 

You may think that intuition is a faculty possessed only by psychics or saints. But everybody has the gift of intuition, whether or not they realize it. That includes you.

Some people may appear to have a keener intuition. They seem to mysteriously know things hidden to the rest of us. That is because these people have made a habit of listening to it, trusting it and following where it leads.

You can cultivate your intuition and fully enjoy its benefits, too. Unleashing the magic of intuition is easier than you think. It merely requires you to get out of the way and let it do its job. It is releasing your ego’s need to control every outcome and welcoming the possibility that your path will reveal itself at each junction on the road.

Follow these steps to wake up your intuitive powers:

  • Quiet your mind
  • Meditate for a few minutes and clear your mind of obsessive thoughts and negative emotions. Negative emotions block the flow of intuition.
  • Ask the right question to get the right answer
  • Articulate in your mind the problem you are seeking to solve. In order to get the right answer, you need to pose the right question.
  • Ask the question from a place of integrity and make it your intention to attract the best solution for the highest good.
  • End with this affirmation from Florence Scovel Shinn:“I am always under direct inspiration; I make right decisions quickly.”
  • Let the answers come
  • Release your query and allow the answers to come to you without forcing them. Sleep on it, as the saying goes. I prefer to do this exercise before going to sleep, and the answer often comes in a dream or a thought that pops up when I wake up in the morning.
  • Listen for the messages
  • The answers will come to you, but you can only notice them if you are open and receptive. Use active awareness and pay attention!
  • While it would be convenient if they appeared on a billboard addressed to you personally, your responses can arrive in in a variety of ways, many of them surprising.
  • They can come in the form of a thought or idea. They can appear as an image, a mental picture, a word or a song. Your answers can be delivered in a call from a friend or a random encounter with a stranger. You can receive a subtle sign or be struck with a major epiphany.
  • Learn to trust your intuition
  • Intuition is the opposite of the reasoning mind. Very often your intuitive hits will defy common sense. We run into problems when we try to second guess our intuition. Or when we become attached to an outcome and are unwilling to consider that there’s a better way out.
  • Get rid of the graspingness. Do not fight your intuitive leads and see where they take you.
  • Act on your intuitive hits
  • If you feel prompted to do something, go for it! Your surprise blessing may be waiting for you, or a wave of favorable unforeseen events may ensue. I am not suggesting you engage in reckless conduct, but if a seemingly harmless idea pops up, what do you have to lose?
  • At first glance, this may seem senseless to you. But questioning intuition will neutralize its efficacy. If you can’t bring yourself to trust the unknown, start with smaller decisions.
  • As you strengthen your intuitive abilities and begin to honor and follow your leads, you can delegate larger matters until you stop resisting and permit yourself to go with the flow. You will then move through life with the confidence that you’re always in the right place at the right time and taking the correct action.

Let intuition guide you in the divorce decision and beyond

Rely on your intuition to guide you as you end your relationship with your husband as it exists today. It will advise you whether to leave or stay. It will reveal to you the actions you need to take to repair your struggling marriage or will show you the way to the door.

Your intuition will become your most trusted adviser in every area of your life. Your inner sage will point the way to freedom and fulfillment. You will know in your heart the next steps to take.

Your inner sage will direct you to your ideal home, your next career or job or the training you need to reach your goals. Your intuition will introduce you to new people and will counsel you who needs to go. And just as important, it will intervene and nudge you when you’re heading the wrong way.

As you continue to activate your intuitive faculties, you will discover that they will always be working for you, even without your asking.

Do you trust your intuition? Have you listened to it as navigate the waters of marital turmoil?

Share your answers in the comments below!

Note: Excerpt adapted from the book Solve the Divorce Dilemma: Do You Keep Your Husband or Do You Post Him on Craigslist? by Sonia Frontera

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