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Here’s How to Deal With Gossip At Work After Divorce

Here’s How to Deal With Gossip At Work After Divorce

Gossip at work following a divorce is inevitable. Unfortunately, it can be a big problem, and it’s important to be able to handle it the right way. 

The post Here’s How to Deal With Gossip At Work After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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divorced but still feel married

Divorced But Still, Feel Married? Here’s How To Cut The Cord

divorced but still feel married

Are you divorced but feel like the only thing that has changed is your address? Living in two separate households only to find that distance doesn’t always equal freedom?

Have you just survived the worst time of your life by the skin of your teeth, yet it still feels like you are in the trenches?

Divorced But Still Feel Married?

I thought divorce papers were my ticket to freedom.  I would sign the papers and somehow it would magically dissolve everything… cut all ties.  Boy was I in for a rude awakening!  Little did I know that a piece of paper didn’t guarantee that I would be divorced energetically.

Let me explain what I mean by being physically divorced, but energetically still married.  

Marriage is defined by a union of two people…a partnership, which can be dissolved at any time on paper.  Whenever we bond with someone, as in marriage, we physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, as well as energetically connect to that person. 

We are energetic beings that create many kinds of attachments.  Although we can physically divorce our partner, that does not mean that we energetically detach from them after the divorce is finalized.

This explains how you can physically be miles apart, yet still, feel like nothing has changed. They still have the same power over you just like they did while you were married.  

One text has the power to bring you right back to the darkest days of your life.  One phone call reminds you why you filed for divorce in the first place. Your thoughts about them have the power to paralyze your entire body keeping you stuck and unable to move forward.

What you have yet to realize is that you are still CHAINED, still TETHERED to what has rendered you powerless.

Let me paint you a picture. Imagine your intestines being tied into tiny little knots, and all the food you’ve ingested is unable to make its way down into your stomach.  This would stop you from eliminating waste, and your body would quickly build up toxins and make you sick.

This is what it looks like to be stuck energetically to something that no longer serves you. In essence, you have been tied in energetic knots. Unable to move and grow, and evolve into the next phase of your life.

So, how do you shake this??!!

How can you cut this energy cord after a separation once and for all?!

The first step is knowing your truth. 

Put the fight down!  Put down the need to prove or defend yourself to anyone.  See your ex as a mirror.  What are they triggering inside of you that you believe about yourself? 

Do you believe that you are unworthy of love, that you are a bad person, that you deserved to be punished? Do you have guilt or shame attached to your divorce? If you cannot put the limiting story down you will keep letting your triggers own you. 

This is when you need to work on reprogramming those beliefs of yours because if you didn’t believe them their words would have no power over you.

Subconsciously we believe these ugly little lies.  Most of the time we are completely unaware of it.  Unaware of the inner chatter that has the power to bring us to our knees.

The second step is owning your story and walking away from the victim mindset. 

You are not a victim of your divorce! I don’t care who wanted the divorce and who didn’t want the divorce.  So many people feel the need to cast blame after divorce.  They feel the need to make one party the victim and the other party the culprit. 

The truth is if you label yourself as “The Victim,” you will disarm yourself of all your power.  Is that what you really want…a constant pity party?

Put the story down!

Your marriage is over…the end! No need to rally the troops to fight a battle only to keep the energetic cords alive.  Do you want to win or do you want to be happy?

The third step is doing the work to figure out what brought you to the unconscious relationship in the first place. 

Let me tell you that the answer to this will not be outside yourself.  Ask the questions that you didn’t have the courage or awareness to ask yourself prior to the relationship. 

It’s shocking to think that I never asked myself these questions until my mid-thirties, and I know I’m not alone in this! They are the most basic and fundamental questions:

WHO AM I? HOW DID I GET HERE? WHAT AM I INTERESTED IN? WHO WAS I BEFORE I WAS WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDED ME TO BE?  

Let me tell you how powerful the universe is. The minute I asked the right questions I got the answers loud and clear…like the very next day! But this doesn’t happen without surrender, without letting go of how you think things should be and accepting what is. 

Accepting what is takes work. It takes courage. It takes owning your part and wearing it like a badge of honor, not as an anchor.

I am guessing you don’t know how to do the “work” otherwise you would have done it already. So, let me give you a taste of what doing the work meant for me…

Once I was ready to put down the sword and really step into my power, well this was where the journey began. I realized I needed support.

The box I created for myself didn’t have the necessary tools I needed to get out.  I sought after counselors and coaches. I found mentors virtually because they were far and few between in my circle. I read books, I went to women’s retreats, I created new friendships that supported my journey, I listened to podcasts.

I did anything and everything to empower myself, and even when I didn’t feel powerful I let this virtual family that I created hold me up until I could do it alone. And I did it all with grace and compassion for myself.  I wasn’t in a race to some imaginary finish line. There is no finish line!

The fourth step just might be the most difficult step of all…FORGIVENESS. 

I’m not going to lie, my ego will still try and pull one over me at times. I still get triggered and it brings me to a place of righteousness.  When that happens, I forgive myself for being human and having a human experience. 

I have realized that most of these feelings come from generations of women before me. Generations of women living in lack, in fear, in comparison, in the need to defend or prove themselves.

The truth is nobody has the power to make you feel this way unless YOU give it to them. So, in forgiving my ex I was forgiving myself.

The Hawaiian’s have a beautiful prayer of forgiveness and healing relationships called ho’oponopono, which goes like this…

 I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thank you. I love you.  

 I know, the thought of saying this might make you cringe, but this prayer really is about setting yourself free.  This is what is going to allow you to cut the energetic cord, the cord that still binds you.

The fifth and final step is to actually cut the energetic cord.  

Physical relationships create the strongest of energetic cords.  At one point you bonded with this person in the most intimate of ways, and divorce papers won’t wash that away.  Why is it necessary to cut these cords?

So that you can break the attachment that causes you to still react to this person, and step into a place of self-love. It’s a great way to disarm them and empower you.

In intimate relationships, cords are typically attached from the heart center.  Begin with closing your eyes and putting one hand over your heart, or wherever you feel the attachment stems from.

You can visualize your ex standing in front of you with an energy cord that attaches you two together.  Set the intention of not allowing any more energy exchanged with this person.  

You then move your hand up and down as if your cutting a rope with an axe.  Visualize yourself cutting the energy cord once and for all.

This is what worked for me in order to sever the chords that attached us.  It is a process that takes lots of intention.  

You will see for yourself that the power they once had over you will disappear, and you will have new-found freedom you never thought possible.

The post Divorced But Still, Feel Married? Here’s How To Cut The Cord appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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health insurance after divorce

Health Insurance After Divorce: Here’s What You Need To Know

health insurance after divorce

 

It’s common in marriages for one spouse to obtain coverage for the entire family through their employer. Because one employer offers more attractive premiums or benefits, it makes sense to consolidate under one policy. After a divorce, children remain eligible for coverage as dependents, but the spouse no longer meets requirements to stay on the insurance plan.

If you’ve found yourself in the lurch as a result of a divorce, take heart. Adding the complication of finding health insurance during an already difficult time can seem overwhelming, but it’s critical your coverage doesn’t lapse. The stress of divorce can present many health complications and you’ll want to feel confident you can get the care you need.

Before detailing health insurance options, let’s cover a few standard terms so you’ll have a better understanding of how to compare plans and premiums.

What you need to know about health insurance after divorce

If this is your first foray into shopping for health insurance, there are a few terms you’ll need to know. Your ability to compare plans and make the best choice for you relies upon your understanding of industry terminology.

Premiums: Whether you use the coverage provided or not, this is the amount you pay every month or every pay period to retain health insurance coverage. If you have insurance through your employer, they likely subsidize this amount so your premiums may appear artificially lower.

Out-of-pocket: This is the cost you are responsible for paying to the provider for the services you receive in addition to the amount your health insurance covers.

Deductible: Some policies have deductibles which are out-of-pocket spending thresholds you must reach before certain insurance benefits kick in.

There are many kinds of health insurance, and some even involve wellness plans to lower premiums or flex spending accounts to offset out-of-pocket costs. As you shop, you’ll discover that plans with high deductibles may offer lower premiums and less out-of-pocket costs.

Your options for health insurance after a divorce

Before you finalize the divorce, make sure you have a plan in place for health insurance coverage. If you’re currently separated, you’re still eligible for health insurance through your spouse’s policy. Once the divorce decree is filed, you need to notify the health plan administrator within 60 days to be eligible for certain kinds of coverage such as COBRA.

Here are four options for securing health care coverage if you’re no longer eligible under your current plan due to divorce.

1. Get insurance through your employer

If you’re eligible for health insurance through your own employer, this is going to be hands-down the cheapest way to secure coverage. Employers often subsidize the cost of insurance so your premiums will usually be lower than anything you could obtain as an individual. While there are strict employee open enrollment periods, you can generally add coverage if you have proof of a life-changing event such as divorce.

2. Use COBRA or mini-COBRA

A federal law nicknamed COBRA (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act) ensures that any company with more than 20 employees must offer coverage if you’re no longer eligible through your spouse’s policy. This coverage has two major stipulations, however. One is that you must notify the plan administrator within 60 days of the divorce or you won’t be eligible. Secondly, COBRA coverage is only available for 36 months, so it’s more of a contingency plan than a long-term solution.

COBRA has advantages for those who are concerned about keeping the same provider, but it’s more expensive than other health insurance options. While the employer is obligated to offer the coverage, they no longer subsidize it, so you’ll end up paying the full cost of the premium plus an administration fee.

State continuation coverage sometimes referred to as mini-COBRA, is designed to supply health insurance options to those whose policy sits with a small company that has less than 20 employees. In some states, coverage only lasts three months while other states provide options that could cover you until Medicare eligibility kicks in. Because coverage and eligibility differ wildly from state to state, you’ll need to do a little research to determine if this is a viable option for you.

3. Buy insurance in the marketplace

Due to the ACA (Affordable Care Act) and subsequent reforms, you can now purchase healthcare as an individual and, depending on your income, these plans may be subsidized. There are both government and off-exchange or direct platforms for applying, comparing, and purchasing plans that eliminate broker fees and deal directly with health insurance providers.

The most popular option is to secure coverage through the federal healthcare exchange, which rates plans in the marketplace as Bronze, Silver, Gold, Platinum, and Catastrophic according to the amount of coverage. Open enrollment for the marketplaces is typically November 1st through December 15th but, like employer-sponsored plans, qualifying events such as divorce provide a special enrollment window of 60 days.

4. See if you qualify for Medicare

Medicare is a health insurance plan offered through the federal government for people 65 and older and certain people with disabilities. There are several different levels of coverage through Medicare (Plan A, B, C, and D), and your eligibility will be based on a few factors. These include age, marital status, length of employment, and social security eligibility. In some cases, Medicare and Medicaid can be used simultaneously to provide more comprehensive coverage.

Navigating Medicare eligibility and enrollment can be tricky, so it’s best to consult directly with representatives at Medicare about which options would work best for your situation.

Divorce can be a stressful time, so in addition to securing health insurance, make sure to set aside time to take care of yourself. Stay up to date on yearly check-ups and invest in preventative care. Staying in good health means you’ll be able to enjoy the benefits of the new life you’re building and have the energy to take on whatever opportunities come your way.

The post Health Insurance After Divorce: Here’s What You Need To Know appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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getting divorced is hard

Getting Divorced is Hard: Here’s How Women Can Stay Healthy

getting divorced is hard

 

There is no denying that divorce is an incredibly painful experience. The range of emotions you might feel, from anger to depression, can be similar to the kind of grief that accompanies a physical loss. Fortunately, there are ways to find, and maintain, your emotional balance during this difficult time.

According to US News & World Report, self-care can have both immediate and long-term benefits. It can reduce your risk of chronic health problems and keep you mentally sharp. Here are four tips for staying healthy during a divorce.

Getting Divorced is Hard: 4 Ways to Stay Healthy

Get Exercise

Staying fit doesn’t need to involve anything fancy. According to the Mayo Clinic, any amount of physical exercise can have immediate benefits. You can improve your mood, maintain your weight, and help you get better sleep. All of these are important during a divorce, when things may feel really out of whack. Try taking the stairs instead of the elevator at the office or walking around the block during your lunch break. Exercise can also be a social experience.

Get your friends together to power walk at the mall or commit to a regular spin class. Getting out and staying social can help you avoid falling into a mental rut in the midst of your divorce.

Eat Healthily

Maintaining an exercise routine and eating healthy go hand-in-hand. We all respond to stress in different ways. Some of us might stress eat or avoid food entirely, which can cause our weight to fluctuate.

Take control of your diet by eliminating unhealthy foods like chips and soda. Try your best to eat three square meals per day that balance carbs, protein, and healthy fats. You might feel like eating is the last thing you want to do. Something simple like a smoothie or comforting like a grilled cheese sandwich can give you the nourishment you need when you’re hungry without the effort of making a full meal.

Stick to a Routine

Mental Health America advises against going through a divorce completely on your own. A smart smoke detector can send you alerts on your phone so you can focus on your daily routine knowing your home is protected.

Make sure to get up and go to work at the same time every day and do your best to maintain connections with the friends and family that care about you. It’s also okay to give yourself permission to grieve and be angry or frustrated. Emotional healing takes time. It’s perfectly normal to not rebound immediately.

Explore your interests away from the activities you enjoyed with your partner. Invest in yourself and the things you’ve always wanted to do. Sign up for a painting class or volunteer at a local charity. Things might not feel the same anymore but broadening your horizons can help you focus on the future as you begin to build a new life for yourself.

If you have children, take time to listen to their worries. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault. Keep their daily and weekly routines as stable as possible. If there were activities that you all did together as a family, you can either adjust them or create new ones.

Create a Mind-Body Balance

Self-care isn’t just about tending to the physical body; our emotional bodies need love and support, too. Work either on your own or with a counselor to build a mind-body practice that makes sense for you. It might involve meditating, yoga, prayer, or deep breathing.

Most importantly, remember to value yourself. You are important and worthwhile, and nothing can change that. These tips can help guide you towards finding your equilibrium in the chaos.

The post Getting Divorced is Hard: Here’s How Women Can Stay Healthy appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Here’s How to Distract Yourself From Your Divorce

Here’s How to Distract Yourself From Your Divorce

Going through divorce is difficult. It can lead you through an emotional roller coaster that has you second guessing every decision you made before and during your marriage.

The post Here’s How to Distract Yourself From Your Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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The Right Way To Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

Here’s The Right Way To Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

The Right Way To Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

 

Talk about a tricky conversation, announcing you want a divorce is not something any of us look forward to. It may mean facing conflict; it may mean hurting your spouse and most of us shy away from either of those situations.

How you tell your spouse will greatly depend on whether or not divorce has been a subject of discussion in the past or your husband is under the impression that all is well in the marriage.

If there have been discussions of divorce in the past, breaking the news that you’ve decided to divorce should be met with less conflict, anger and hurt feelings. If your spouse is unaware of your unhappiness this is going to be a hard conversation to have.

Whatever has been going on in the marriage you should always consider how the news is going to affect your spouse emotionally. In other words, don’t let your fear of telling your spouse you want a divorce to tempt you to do something that will only make the situation worse.

This article is born out of my initial divorce experience. I wasn’t given the “talk.” I came home from work one day with my child and my husband had packed up and left without any notice. The way he left the marriage not only impacted me greatly, but it also caused my daughter to lose all trust in her father. This is a subject I take seriously because I’ve lived the damage that can be done by someone who let the fear of having a discussion about divorce do a lot of harm to all concerned.

How Not To Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

  • Don’t skip the divorce conversation and go straight to having your spouse served with divorce papers. This tactic is an easy out but the easy is only momentary. You want to piss someone off and start a war? Serve them divorce papers out of the blue!
  • Don’t pack your bags and leave one day never to return again. I mean seriously, is this really the mature way of dealing with a subject as serious as divorce and dismantling a family? My ex pulled this one on me. It sends a clear message, says “I’m out of here” in a way that can’t be misinterpreted but you may find it hard to live with your cowardice once the dust settles.
  • Don’t tell your spouse’s family and friends before you break the news to your spouse. Divorce is hard enough when it is between two people only. Bring the rest of your community into it and you not only muddy the waters you look a bit foolish also.

How To Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

  • Sit them down, share your feelings and express your desire for a divorce.
  • Allow them to respond to your desire for a divorce. It’s important that they are given the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings.
  • Validate their feelings but let them know you’ve made up your mind and will be moving forward with a divorce.
  • Tell them you will be filing for a divorce and they will be served with divorce papers and then, politely excuse yourself from the conversation.

Dealing with Your Spouse’s Reaction

If your spouse is surprised by your desire for a divorce, there will more than likely be a lot to deal with once you share your feelings. “Dealing” means being able to take into consideration the needs of the spouse you are leaving.

Let’s look at the situation from the perspective of your feelings. Divorce is something you’ve been thinking about for a long time. You’ve put effort into being happy, you’ve come to terms with the fact that you can’t stay in the marriage and more than likely have already emotionally divorced yourself from your spouse.

In other words, you’ve already worked your way through feelings of loss, hopelessness, and depression and have now detached from your spouse and the marriage.

When you share with your unknowing spouse that you want a divorce, they’re going to begin the process of working through those feelings of loss, hopelessness, depression and a myriad of other negative emotions.

You are ahead of your spouse in the grieving process that comes along with divorce. I spoke with a man recently who was surprised by his wife’s reaction to the news that he wanted a divorce.  He told me that she was “fragile” and, “seems to be falling apart.” He couldn’t understand why she wasn’t sharing his sense of relief and had no idea how to deal with her behavior.

There can be a HUGE contrast between what you are feeling and what your spouse will feel once told of the divorce. You are ready to move on with your life, your spouse will question how you are ready to move on so quickly and be hurt by the fact that you are.

It is always helpful to the spouse being left behind if the spouse leaving can show compassion and empathy for their pain. It may not be easy to be around the person you’ve hurt but taking the time to give your spouse closure is something you won’t regret down the road.

When a spouse is left and handed an unwanted divorce, they feel like they’ve lost control over the path of their marriage and plans for their future. You, the spouse who wants the divorce are now in control and if you behave badly toward the spouse you are leaving this will only promote more conflict and do more emotional harm.

I’m not telling you that you must like your spouse’s reaction. More than likely there will be some very unlikeable response to your desire to divorce. I do believe that showing compassion for what he is experiencing and the transition they are going through will make the process of divorce easier for all involved.

The post Here’s The Right Way To Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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