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mr. nice guy

Why Wives Detach From “Nice Guy” Husbands

mr. nice guy

The nice guy husband’s plan never works because a wife will never respect a man who doesn’t respect himself.

 

Bill is a nice guy husband. And he’s furious.

Meet Bill.

Bill is one of those “nice guy husbands”. He is strikingly familiar to me and models a former version of myself.

By all appearances, he’s got the world by the balls.

He’s got a beautiful home, gorgeous wife, 4 great kids and an enormous income from his successful software business.

Despite his attractive 6 ft. 2 in. frame, dark complexion, sexy smile, impeccable style, enviable income and the adoration of all of the neighborhood ladies…Bill is quietly smoldering with resentment.

It seems Bill has captured the admiration of just about everyone…except his wife.

Bill’s Dirty Little Secret

Bill has a secret he’s ashamed to admit. Nobody would ever suspect this is going on inside his home.

His marriage sucks and he’s killing himself trying to fix it.

But, Bill is a really good “fixer”.

He can fix anything. His entire life has been a long string of over-achievement, business success and admiring friends. In his mind there is nothing that can’t be fixed with extra effort and persistence.

Bill is generous with his time, attention and money…sometimes to a fault. He loves getting appreciation and admiration in return for his efforts. And when he’s feeling insignificant or ignored, he knows exactly how to get people to notice him. He just gives until he gets.

So why isn’t this working at home?

Bill Gives…and Then He Gives Some More

Bill explained to me his strategy. He knew exactly how he would fix the problem at home.

All he had to do was keep giving to his wife until she had to submit. He would give so much that she would have no choice but to appreciate him, kiss him and give him the passionate sex he wanted.

So he told me his plan. This is based on a true story. Prepare to be amazed.

I give her so much! I work 70 hours a week and make great money. She can buy anything she wants and she knows it. She’s not a great cook, so I’ve been doing all the cooking for breakfast and dinner. I also do all the shopping because I pass by the store anyway on the way home. I also do all the laundry and most of the housecleaning. I have higher standards than she does, so it’s easier just to do it myself. She stays home with the two little ones and spends most of her time on Facebook from what I can tell. Recently I’ve started bringing home flowers for her to get her attention. And last night I brought home some rose petals and candles and drew a hot bath for her and decorated the tub. After she was in the tub and I was walking out, waiting for a thank-you, she said, ‘You know, you really shouldn’t try so hard.’

That just pissed him off and he asked me, “How much more do I need to do to get some affection from her?” I told him, “Less. Much less.”

Isn’t Bill Sweet?

When I told this story to a woman recently she said, “Awww…he’s sweet.”

All I could do is laugh and say, “No, Bill is being a fool.”

He is doing way too much and for all the wrong reasons.

No self-respecting man should be tripping over himself to prove himself worthy. A self-respecting man isn’t motivated by the need to have others like him. And he doesn’t disrespect himself by taking on more than his fair share of the load just to get sex.

I explained to her that Bill is making the same mistake every “nice guy husband” does.

He has come to believe that every relationship in his life is a simple transaction.

If I give this then I must get that.

He thinks if he’s willing to give his time, attention and money…then others will feel obligated to give him their time and attention in return. It works really well for him everywhere but at home.

Bill’s mistake is believing his wife should be impressed by his generosity, selflessness, and kindness. If a little is good then more is better. He believes that by going overboard she will feel obligated to reciprocate with love, affection, and sex.

The truth is Bill’s wife is disgusted by his willingness to prostitute himself out just to get her to like him.

His plan will never work because she will never respect a man who doesn’t respect himself.

The Solution

First of all, I want to acknowledge the obvious issue with Bill’s wife.

No matter how jacked up Bill’s sense of self-respect is or how he is trying to manipulate her, there’s no excuse for her lack of effort. She needs to step up and pull her weight. She needs to address her own passive-aggressive issues and take responsibility for her fair share of the load no matter what.

Back to Bill.

No matter what his wife chooses to do Bill needs to find his way back to self-respect and self-validation.

Most “nice guy husbands” have never really achieved those things but they manage to thrive in business and friendships using the implied contract of “I give therefore I shall get”.

Bill needs to stop giving at home with the hidden agenda of coercing his wife to like him. He must learn how to create his own feelings of independence and affirmation. His attachment to her responses toward him has created a monster. This is the hallmark of a “nice guy husband” – a chronic neediness that infects his relationship and his soul.

He must decide what his personal values are and what he expects of himself. This includes establishing clear boundaries for what he expects FOR himself. He must learn how to hold himself accountable to his own principles and how to defend his boundaries without apology.

This is his path to learning the art of self-reliance and detachment from neediness.

Will this save his marriage? Will it re-attract his wife?

Who knows? That’s less important right now than Bill saving himself.

Will he ever have the affectionate and passionate relationship he wants?

If he does the work…absolutely.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be bolder in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

The post Why Wives Detach From “Nice Guy” Husbands appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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6 Tips For Setting Boundaries With Your New Husband’s Irrational Ex

6 Tips For Setting Boundaries With Your New Husband’s Irrational Ex

 

Kimberly had a difficult divorce. She split from her husband after finding out he had an emotional affair with a co-worker. It had been a long two years. Their three children had difficulty adjusting to their new home and a new school. But her kids had moved forward and Kimberly felt that the worst was behind her.

She had worked with a divorce coach to help her set career goals and help her achieve clarity on the next chapter of her life as a single mom. She had set some goals for herself and accomplished one of her lifetime goals, completing a triathlon. It was during this training that she met an older, handsome, athletic man named Charles. He too was divorced and had experienced betrayal. They fell in love and planned to marry the following year.

However, she was questioning the relationship because his ex was making their life hell. Charles’ ex-wife was intrusive and manipulative. She tried repeatedly to splinter the relationship between Charles and his son by saying hurtful things about him in front of their son or making snide comments about his parenting.

She sent texts that were nasty when she did communicate. Drop-offs and pickups were becoming more and more dreaded because Charles’ ex-wife always wanted to confront them in front of his son about the parenting agreement, her alimony, or whatever she was upset about that day. Charles’ ex-wife seemed to hold resentment about the fact that there was to be a new mother figure in her son’s life.

Charles’ son had told Kimberly several comments that his mom had made about her. She was surprised that she was hurt by these remarks. She had only met this woman twice and yet she seemed to hate her! In addition, the children all sensed the animosity, and the tension in the house was growing among everyone.

How could she and Charles build a future together when his ex was hellbent on destroying their family?

When it comes to families blending together, there are many issues to deal with. When you are the new woman and you enter a family that has split, it’s important to set up boundaries.

Setting Boundaries With Your New Husband’s Irrational Ex

1. Understand your own triggers.

When you find that she is really pushing your buttons- ask yourself why. What is it that is bothering you about what she says? You can work with a divorce coach or therapist to get to the underlying root of your feelings so you can move forward. When you understand what is behind your emotions, you can start to control them.

2. Develop strategies to stay in control of your emotions.

When you’ve identified your triggers, you can identify ways to handle your emotions. Meditation, exercise, and keeping a wholesome lifestyle will help you handle the stress that accompanies dealing with high-conflict people. Find healthy outlets, such as supportive friends or join a support group for families of divorce or stepmoms.

3. Communicate positively with (and around) your children.

Never badmouth your spouse’s ex near or around the children-even if you feel you might be justified. These are people that your children love. They will internalize any negative comments. Foster lots of open communication so that they will come to you to openly discuss their feelings. Ignore those comments that are harmful. Focus on the children and their well-being.

4. Technology is your friend.

If communication is difficult, there are many devices and apps that make it easy to keep the communication respectful. Family Wall is an app that allows you to post dates, reminders, schedules, and even pictures that relate to the children. It allows you to share information in a confidential platform. If you can’t physically be around his ex without it becoming confrontational, communicate only through texts, emails, or apps. Plus, you’ll have a record of the conversations.

5. Keep all communication concise and objective.

When communicating with a difficult ex-spouse, here are a few things to keep in mind to maintain respectful interactions. First, keep it short. Leave out unnecessary information. Stick to the facts and keep the tone cordial. Keep your opinions and emotions out of all interactions.

Use texts and emails whenever possible so that there is a written record of what was said and agreed upon. When you have to deal with a challenging person face-to-face, it may be a good idea to have a “script” in your head prepared ahead of time. If the other person tries to engage in a disrespectful manner, simply restate your scripted message in a calm tone and walk away.

6. Attend family therapy or counseling.

As you’re setting up a new family structure, consider setting up family counseling sessions. It’s important to have a neutral party that will help you discuss intense feelings and issues in a constructive way.  It’s important to include the children in the process so that they feel they have a voice through this.

So much is out of their control and they may feel overwhelmed if there are hostilities between the adults that they love. Choose a counselor that has a background working with blended families. One piece of advice that I give to my clients as they begin their journey together is to write out a mission statement together that will keep the family working towards the same goal.

After six months of family counseling, the tension had lessened and there was more laughter around the house. The children were getting along better. Kim continued working with her life coach to help her as she adjusted to her new role as a stepmom. She and Charles began discussing the plans for their wedding and were feeling secure in their commitment to each other.

The post 6 Tips For Setting Boundaries With Your New Husband’s Irrational Ex appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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husband

Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property?

husband's professional degree marital property

 

In many marriages, one spouse may decide to earn an advanced professional degree to start a new career path or further an existing career. The degree might be for medicine, law, accounting, or another similar path, and earning an advanced degree is necessary to obtain a license to practice in many different professions.

The problem is that professional degree programs can be lengthy and rigorous, so it is imperative to have the support of a spouse while someone is pursuing this type of educational program.

Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property?

How Wives Might Contribute to Professional Degrees

There are many ways that a wife can contribute to a professional degree for her husband. First, it can be difficult for a husband to work while pursuing a degree, so the wife may accept the full bread-winning responsibilities while her husband is in school. Her income might cover all of the household expenses, as well as educational expenses. After the degree is earned, a wife’s income might go toward paying off student loans and other educational costs.

An advanced degree and professional license can increase a husband’s income once he is done with school, which can improve the standard of living of both spouses moving forward. However, what happens if a divorce occurs? Does the husband get to solely enjoy the future benefits of his degree? Does a wife get reimbursed for her contributions to the professional degree?

How Degrees are Treated in Divorce

How a degree will be treated in your divorce will depend on the specific jurisdiction overseeing your case. Different jurisdictions have their own approaches regarding how degrees are treated in divorce. For example, for decades, the State of New York considered a degree to be marital property, and the value of the degree would be divided between divorcing spouses. However, New York reversed this policy as of 2016, and a degree is no longer treated as marital property.

That a degree is not marital property is the majority view of courts throughout the United States and Canada. Most states in the U.S. follow this principle, and the precedent in Ontario and other Canadian provinces is the same. Generally speaking, a degree or license cannot be sold or transferred like property, and the degree itself has no guaranteed future value without the choices and acts of the degree-holder to earn a living based on the degree.

However, this does not mean that a wife should get nothing in return for her contributions to a husband earning a degree. There are different ways courts handle this situation, depending on the specific circumstances at hand and the jurisdiction.

Options for Wives Regarding Professional Degrees

Courts can take different approaches to ensure that wives are fairly compensated for their sacrifices and contributions to a husband’s success. A couple of examples of how this matter might be addressed by a divorce court are as follows.

Reimbursement Approach

This approach acknowledges that a wife used marital assets to pay for the educational program, and requires the professional spouse to replace marital assets a wife lost as a result. While a wife does not necessarily have the right to a degree as property, she might have a right to reimbursement for her investments, from which she received no lasting benefits. This could be in the form of a larger property distribution, a lump-sum payment, or an alimony award.

Alimony as Compensation

In many situations, a husband’s professional degree will give him a higher earning potential for the future. On the other hand, a wife may have put her career aspirations on hold to support the household and husband while he earned the degree and professional license. When a divorce arises, the two spouses may have a discrepancy in their earning abilities.

A wife should not have a lower standard of living than her spouse after contributing to his professional degree and making sacrifices regarding her own career for the good of the marriage. In this situation, a court may award the wife alimony to accomplish one or more of the following:

  • Compensate her for her contributions
  • Help her enjoy the standard of living she had in the marriage if she cannot afford it based on her current earning power
  • Allow her to obtain her own education or training needed to boost her career and earning potential

Overall, the law in most jurisdictions generally supports the fact that spouses have the duty to support one another, including to help them obtain professional degrees and meet other goals. For this reason, a degree is generally not considered to be marital property, though there are other ways that wives can be reimbursed for their selfless contributions to a spouse’s professional future.

When you and your spouse are discussing property division and possible alimony awards in your divorce case, it is important to know your rights in your jurisdiction. This can help avoid agreeing to a property division resolution that fails to properly compensate you for your contributions and sacrifices. It is always a wise idea to discuss the complicated property and financial issues, such as professional degrees and income discrepancies, with an experienced divorce lawyer who can advocate for your rights.

The post Is Your Husband’s Professional Degree Marital Property? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Runaway Husbands: Getting Your Life Back When Your Husband Bolts Out-of-the-Blue

Runaway Husbands: Getting Your Life Back When Your Husband Bolts Out-of-the-Blue

Wife Abandonment Syndrome is a pattern of behavior that begins when a husband leaves his wife out-of-the-blue without ever having told her that he was unhappy or thinking of leaving.

The post Runaway Husbands: Getting Your Life Back When Your Husband Bolts Out-of-the-Blue appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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your husband

How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

your husband's sexual addiction

 

If I put myself in the place of someone who has learned their spouse has a sexual addiction my first thought is, “I’m out of here.” That is a knee jerk reaction I image is shared by most that discover such disturbing information about a spouse.

Should that first reaction be the step you take? Is your marriage doomed to end because of sexual addiction? I personally don’t think divorce is the answer until you’ve turned over every stone and come to an educated decision about what is right for you and the marriage.

Below are things you can do that will help you make a final and educated decision about whether to stay or leave the marriage.

What to do About Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

1. Do your research; find out all you can about sexual addiction. When researching you should not only focus on the spouse who is sexually addicted but yourself also. I have found that most people research the problems of the other person in hopes of finding a way to change them.

When faced with marital problems the only person you can change is yourself. When gathering information be sure to find out what about you got you there, it can tell you a lot about whether or not you need to stay.

2. Find a good support group. You local mental health association can put you in touch with a sex addicts support group such as COSA, an organization for those whose lives have been negatively touched by the sexual behaviors of another person.

3. Find a therapist who is an expert in sexual issues and family of origin issues. There may be issues you need to address from your family of origin that lead you to marry someone with an addictive personality.

4. Do not tolerate what you feel is intolerable. People married to sex addicts, alcoholics or drugs addicts tend to be co-dependent. Co-dependents have a hard time setting boundaries with others about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.

The more adept you are at setting boundaries, the more self-esteem you will have and the more empowered you will feel.

5. Insist that your spouse become actively involved in a sex addicts support group. Not only does the addict need a 12 step program to address their issues, you, the wife, needs to see a willingness to work through their issues. If you stay in the marriage trust will need to be rebuilt and for that to happen the addict will have to show, via their own work that they are worthy of your trust.

6. Don’t threaten to leave the marriage unless you are serious. Empty threats to leave only reinforce the addict’s belief that he/she can behave inappropriately and you will still be there.  It won’t take your spouse long to realize that you aren’t really going to leave.

Instead of threatening to leave take action. If your spouse witnesses you researching the problem, going to support group meetings and setting firm boundaries you will send a stronger message than an empty threat to leave will.

It has been proven that to change another you must first change yourself. Responding in the same manner to any problem in your marriage only prolongs the problems. If your spouse sees you changing the way you typically respond to problems they may be spurred into making changes in themselves.

When it comes to addiction of any kind, the addict won’t address their own issues until they are faced with the likelihood of losing what is most valuable to them. If you focus on helping yourself instead of focusing on fixing the addict you are more likely to elicit the change you wish for.

If, in the end, your spouse refuses to seek help the likelihood of him/her changing is slim. Whether they change or not is unimportant because what you have done is take action to educate and protect yourself. Your future and emotional wellbeing will no longer depend on what your sex addicted husband does but on what decisions you make about what is and isn’t in your best interest.

There is a process psychologist referred to as “detachment.” What I have described above are the actions of someone who has detached themselves from their spouse’s behaviors. Detachment is a difficult process to explain BUT I believe it is the most effective way to deal with an addict.

If you want to “detach” and do what is best for you, the addict and the marriage print out the points below and change your behavior accordingly.

  • Accept and embrace your own inabilities to change the sex addict.
  • Do not engage in snooping or watching the sex addicts every move.
  • Accept that you cannot control the sex addict or what he/she does.
  • DO NOT react in the same old way.
  • Focus your time and energy on your life and what you want from your life.
  • Set boundaries in a loving manner and expect respect and kindness in return.
  • Detaching does not mean ignoring negative sexual behavior or becoming a doormat.
  • Accept that, in the end, your marriage may not survive.

The post How To Respond To Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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