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She’s a Lesbian, Drug Addict,  Or Stripper: Why Else Would She Leave a Good Man?

She’s a Lesbian, Drug Addict, Or Stripper: Why Else Would She Leave a Good Man?

 

I wish I could say this title is clickbait, but it’s not. These were the exact words used to describe me in the wake of my divorce. “Why else would Marisa leave a good man, she must be a lesbian.”

I know, unfreaking believable!

Why Else Would She Leave a Good Man?

My wanting a divorce made sense to “them” because, in their mind, my sexuality was on the fence. I mean, I can’t make this up if I tried. But a drug addict and a stripper? I have yet to make sense of any of it.

This news traveled through the Italian community like wildfire. My parents even questioned the validity of the accusations. I thought to myself, “Who are ‘these people’ that are saying this stuff? Where did they get this information? Why are they making up lies about me?”

Nobody could tell me where this originated, but this is what cowardly circulated back to me through family members. I had nobody to confront and ask why they were making up lies about me, but still, I had questions.

I wanted to know, “Why do you feel the need to pretend you know anything about my marriage? Why would you make up lies that landed on my children’s ears? How is my divorce any of your concern? Have I offended you in any way that you think you have any right in attacking my character? Does my divorce threaten you somehow?”

These questions echoed deep inside of me.

And it got me thinking who are “they,” these people that I so loyally lived my life for, the ones that I worried about tarnishing my image to, continually walking on eggshells because God forbid “they” may not see me as “the good girl” any longer?

I grew up rooted in the belief that I needed to have, as the Italians say, “La Bella Figura,” which translates literally to the beautiful figure. La Bella Figura is critical in Italian culture; it’s a way of life. Italians are hardwired with the belief that image is everything, the way people see you matters more than what lies behind closed doors. They will do anything and everything to protect the family’s “figura.”

You can see how my divorce dismantled my family’s Bella figura. I set the house on fire by asking for a divorce. To “them,” I became a loose cannon, untrustworthy, and reckless. My image tarnished and disgraced.

It’s a heavy cross to carry when you’re living life for other people.

How many more years would I have gone on that way had they not said these absurd judgments about me? Would I have continued to live my life in divorce as if they were watching over me, still trying to please others as if they owned my life?

Hearing them say those things about me was the smack in the face reality check I needed to show me just how ridiculous all of it was. This was the small-minded mentality that I had been living my life for? That I was seeking approval from? That I lost myself to?

It was time to detach from a generational, cultural belief that was no longer serving the life I wanted to live. Let me just say that breaking cultural chains is not for the faint of heart. It takes massive courage to step off the path of least resistance and to cultivate a life lived in truth.

Living my truth became more important than my image. I was no longer willing to neglect my spirit, my voice, and my reality for La Bella Figura. As a mother, this was not a burden I wanted my children to have. To live life, feeling obligated to appease others.

I can’t even begin to describe the freedom that comes with living a life that’s true to who I am and who I want to be. Brene Brown writes about exactly this in her book, “Braving the Wilderness.” Brene writes, “True belonging is not about fitting in, pretending, or making other people around us comfortable because it feels safe. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

Braving the wilderness is about having the courage to stand alone because you belong to nobody but yourself.

*Join my Facebook group dedicated to women who are contemplating divorce, are separated or already divorced HERE. It’s my intention to create a safe place for authentic healing, the kind of healing that reconnects you to your power.

If you are going through a divorce and you’re feeling alone, confused, or stuck, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

The post She’s a Lesbian, Drug Addict, Or Stripper: Why Else Would She Leave a Good Man? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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3 Ways To Get Any Narcissist To Leave You Alone

3 Ways To Get Any Narcissist To Leave You Alone

 

Many people will tell you that a narcissist will never stop harassing you and this could be your experience too.

It was mine until I discovered three powerful ways to get ANY narcissist to leave me alone.

In this Thriver TV episode I am going to share with you exactly what to do to get a narcissist completely and permanently out of your life.

And if you are co-parenting or this person is a family member I will share how to get them to detach and stay away from you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today is a very cool day. Because we’re going to talk about three incredibly powerful ways that you can get any narcissist to leave you alone.

Maybe you are not at this stage of wanting a narcissist to leave you alone, but if you are, this episode is totally for you. And even if you aren’t, I hope that by the end of the episode you will be ready to activate these three wonderful tips that I’m sharing with you today.

Okay, so before we get started, I’d like to thank all of you who are so wonderfully supporting the Thriver mission by subscribing to my channel and remind those of you who haven’t to please do. And, if you like this episode make sure you give it a thumbs up.

Okay, so on with this episode!

 

Why Do We Need Narcissists To Leave Us Alone?

The reason we need narcissists to leave us alone is because there is nothing to gain from trying to engage with a narcissist.

You can’t talk sanity into insanity. The more you try to reason with a narcissist, make a deal with them, try to plead with them, or lecture and prescribed to them, in other words grant them any of your energy whatsoever, it just makes matters worse. The only way to regain your sanity, soul, and life and win against a narcissist is to withdraw all of your energy, and focus on your own healing.

That’s when you will get free from this horrible experience and evolve and elevate yourself into your True and New life.

But, what if a narcissist won’t leave you alone? What if he or she seems hellbent on pestering you, continuing to abuse you and just won’t stop doing it?

So many people think and report that a narcissist will never stop doing what they’re doing to them, but I promise you this is not true. There are surefire ways that you can get a narcissist to leave you alone, regardless of ties that you think may bind you for life to him or her, such as sharing children together.

So, let’s check out how to do this.

 

Number #1 – No Contact

No Contact is not just essential to get a narcissist to leave you alone, No Contact is also vital to grant yourself the space to start healing from a narcissist.

No Contact is easier said than done. We all know how difficult it is to stay away from and repel the narcissist’s hoovering attempts and stop the ways that he or she can trigger you into breaking no contact, and all the other sneaky tactics that narcissists use to get your attention and ego feed from you.

This is where number three and number one are deeply interconnected, and I’m going to be explaining more about number three when we get to it. Suffice it to say that when you master how to emotionally manage yourself successfully enough to keep No Contact with a narcissist, then he or she runs out of the fuel to keep abusing you with.

Narcissists need a payoff for their efforts and the prize is always narcissistic supply. If a narcissist knows that he or she affects you, then the narcissist believes that he or she is significant, and that is the exact fuel that keeps the narcissistic cruel, malicious, attention-seeking, punishment cycles continuing.

Please know this: there is no greater insult to a narcissist than when they are no longer gaining any attention, energy or reaction from you.

It’s so important to understand that an energy exchange with a narcissist does not need to be physical and literal. Even if you are checking up on the narcissist, without him or her knowing, there is a psychic phenomenon occurring whereby the narcissist is still receiving your emotional energy through the ethers.

If you still feel emotionally hooked in, affected and traumatised by the narcissist – which is evident if you are still obsessing about him or her, then the narcissist is still getting energetic narcissistic supply from you. This grants the narcissist the fuel that allows him or her to continue violating you.

Again, this is exactly why number three, which we are going to talk about soon, is so vital.

 

Number #2 – Anti Fear

I love anti fear. It’s beyond powerful.

This is the next step up from true No Contact, and number two also requires the self-dedication to step number three.

Anti fear means that you have purposefully eradicated every part of yourself that has been buying into the illusion that the narcissist has power over you and is, on their own, capable of annihilating you, making your life a living hell, or destroying everything that you thought your life could be.

When we go Quantum, and wake up out of the trance, we realise the truth – that the narcissist is a deep soul experience causing us to meet outside of ourselves the fears and insecurities that were all along buried in our subconscious interior.

A startling thing happens when we stop trying to manage the fear by battling the narcissist (which of course breaks rule number one No Contact, literally, emotionally and energetically) and instead turn inwards to manage (which really means eradicate) the fear that we are feeling inside of ourselves.

This creates a massive shift in consciousness. Without our internal trauma, we see things clearly as they are, as the truth of the matter. We become wise; we know that the narcissist is in fact an insecure, powerless individual inciting and using our own fear against us.

We sense a deeper power and presence that rises up within us that applies to all of Life itself.

This is … that there is a benevolent, solid, all-loving force that is positioned to unfold what is right, true and wholesome when we understand how all of life works. If we are being self-partnered then all of Life follows.

By releasing ourselves from our inner traumas and fears, we know how to show up, we stop dimming down, playing safe and handing our power away trying to appease narcissists so that they stop hurting us.

Rather, we rise up and stay true to our values and our boundaries regardless of what somebody else is or isn’t doing. We are no longer scared of other people. We are willing to lose it all to get it all. We understand that living outside of our own personal integrity never ends up going well. And we know that when we align with personal integrity and be what we wish to receive from life that we produce our most powerful and complete results.

The shift is miraculous.

This integrity centred living is so authentic and powerful, the effect it has on a narcissist is as annihilating as shining a bright light onto a vampire. The narcissist as a false self can only operate in the shadows; they can only do what they do when they are using your fear, heartbreak, guilt, and insecurities against you.

When you emerge solid, confident, powerful and unemotionally expressing facts, without any of the previous trauma derailing you emotionally, that is when narcissists come undone.

Here is the fact that you need to know: if a narcissist cannot have the upper hand emotionally and energetically against you, and can no longer emotionally derail you, then they have lost the fight.

Without you acting out of your dishevelment the narcissist becomes painfully aware of their own. This is when it is time for the narcissist to exit the scene, no matter the cost, and take their disordered self into another environment whereby they can extract narcissistic supply and significance again.

Since working to help people become empowered against narcissists, I have been amazed and thrilled to see previously relentless narcissists, submit, capitulate and hand over whatever is necessary to get out of the lives of people who show up powerfully without fear.

Absolutely this happens regularly in this community with property and custody settlements, with the people who work with NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

Narcissists are broken children in adults’ bodies trying to bully and intimidate their way into position; they are no match for someone powerfully embodied in an adult body.

 

Number #3 – Energetic Detox

This is the underpinning to all of it. The most powerful way to get a narcissist out of your life, and to completely leave you alone, is by detoxing him or her out of every vestige of your inner being.

This is because of the absolute Quantum law – so within, so without.

When this person doesn’t exist for you, for real emotionally, this person will not exist for you.

Can you imagine what it will be like when you don’t even think about this person?

Can you imagine what it would be like if somebody brought their name up and you had zero emotional reaction at all and the topic is something you don’t even care about?

Can you imagine bumping into this person and you feel nothing at all and by the time you have crossed the road, your mind is thinking about all the things that you need to get done today?

I can assure you, no matter how enmeshed you feel in the thoughts of the narcissist, and even if this has been going on for years or even decades, that 100% when you do the inner work to detox yourself from a narcissist, you will go completely free.

People ask me in disbelief all the time, ‘How can you not think about the ex-narcissists in your life?’ My answer is this, “I did the inner work. I loaded up, released and replaced every single thing about those people that hurt me, or that I was obsessing about. That’s how. Then nothing about them existed anymore.”

You may think that this is not possible until you start doing this work and discover just how possible it is.

You may think that if you are co-parenting, or that you have a business with the narcissist or that if this is a narcissistic family member that you need to see at functions, that this is impossible.

Yet, regardless of the situation, when you detox this person out of your inner being, you will discover how this person will dissolve out of your experience.

The narcissist detaches, moves away, gets another job, is brought to justice, and stops harassing whilst co-parenting. You name it, it is possible. Life has unlimited ways to start matching your inner being.

So I hope that this Thriver TV episode has explained to you the three most powerful ways that you will get a narcissist to leave you alone.

Less is more – less combating the narcissist and more doing the feeling and empowering work on yourself.

Do you understand?

If you do, write below, “You get less of me, and my inner being gets more!”

Are you ready to be done with this and get a narcissist out of your life? If so, come with me on your incredible journey of self, by clicking this link.

And, if you want more of my episodes please make sure that you subscribe to my YouTube channel so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released.

Please also share this information with your communities, especially those people who are deeply enmeshed and stuck in the trauma with narcissists who won’t leave them alone.

As always, I look forward to connecting with you in your comments and questions below.

Oh and … It’s the first event of my Oz tour tomorrow …  Sydney I can’t wait to see you all – I’m so excited! There is still time for tickets for Melbourne and Brisbane – to which you can get your tickets here: melanietoniaevans.com/oztour

 

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Preparing To Leave A Narcissist – 7 Things You Must Know

Preparing To Leave A Narcissist – 7 Things You Must Know

 

Leaving a narcissist can be terrifying. You know it’s not going to be easy and not going to go well.

Have you left and so have already suffered the threats and horror of what the narcissist is capable of doing?

Are you thinking of leaving, but the thought of it terrifies you?

These questions and more are answered in this video!

 

 

Video Transcript

Leaving a narcissist is one of the hardest things you will ever do.

For a start, you are NOT well.

It is likely that you are suffering from all sorts of anxiety disorders such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Generally, at the time of leaving a narcissist, it’s because things are so traumatising that you have no choice.

Please know getting out is not the end of the trauma. In fact, it usually brings on an escalation of your traumas, which is why, today, I wanted to share with you the seven top things you must know when leaving a narcissist.

Okay, before we get started, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you give it a thumbs up!

Okay, I want to start off with one of the most important things you need to understand regarding leaving a narcissist.

 

Number 1 Aftershock

This is one of the BIGGEST, if not the BIGGEST, understanding you need to know.

When you leave you are not going to feel better because you have left. Maybe you will – but it’s extremely rare.

The reason being is that you have been cellularly trauma bonded and peptide addicted to the narcissist.

Once your ‘drug dealer’ of these terrible peptides is gone, your body will start screaming out for them. Also, when you are stuck in the survival battles with the narcissist, your attention is diverted from the horrible cellular addiction that your body is hooked on.

It is only when the silence comes that your peptide addiction can hit with full force.

This aftershock can be WORSE than the feelings you had IN the relationship.

You can feel an insane compulsion, powerful addictive pulls and even like you will DIE without this person.

Also, this is a time when people feel like it’s love – ‘I must love this person to feel this terrible without them’. But please know that is NOT the truth.

Maybe you have had many failed attempts at staying away and keep going back (as I did too). This is often the case until you start healing the peptide addiction and breaking free from it.

If it has been AWFUL for you to try and survive, feeling like you can’t COPE and are DYING without this person, then the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is the most powerful and fastest solution I know of to help you address this.

And if you haven’t yet left, NARP is the BEST way to start preparing for the Aftershock when you do leave – because aftershock is the #1 thing that can derail you, more than anything.

 

Number 2 The Narcissist Has No Care For Your Future

You really need to know that the narcissist is not going to make your job of ‘moving on’ easy. He or she will want to punish you and make you suffer. As far as the narcissist is concerned, you were the one who did the wrongdoing and he or she is the victim.

If you are walking away, you are the enemy and this means you need to be brought down, demeaned, smeared and desecrated, as much as possible.

So many people, myself included, were astounded at how this person can become the greatest enemy you have ever been up against.

The relentless belting may be so terrible that it feels like you will break – or that you have to go back to the narcissist to stop it. You may even feel like you will never survive it.

You need to know that all hell could and probably will break loose and that you will not be able to predict what is to come and how it will manifest. Therefore you need to be calm, cool and rational.

When I left narcissist number one, I was totally unprepared. I had no idea what I was up against and that I should have prepared first.

If you start getting triggered, panicked and distressed, the narcissist will have you exactly where he or she wants you and will keep firing missiles at you.

The more you try to get decency, clemency, and care from this person, the more they know you are affected and the harder they will ramp up the abuse. The more you engage with them, the worse it will get.

Don’t, under any circumstances, try to bargain and create deals or get understanding.

You must remember this – as soon as it starts. Detach, don’t engage, keep healing and do WHATEVER it takes with your healing to be calm, clear and succinct – NO matter what is thrown at you. And if you DO all this, you will see how the narcissist loses all power to annihilate you.

In fact, he or she will lose all power to have ANY effect on you.

 

Number 3 Plan Your Escape

Know thy enemy and be smart.

This is essential.

Don’t tell the narcissist that you are leaving. Set up bank accounts. See your solicitor. Don’t tell anyone who may tell the narcissist your plans. Have somewhere to go and get your possessions out of the home, before the narcissist knows what you are doing.

Do not leave anything behind that the narcissist can hold onto, to hook you back with.

Make sure that all credit cards, or finances that could be taken from you, are disconnected. Please know that whatever you can’t disconnect will make you vulnerable and a potential target of the narcissist’s wrath.

If you are frightened for your safety, calmly and intelligently express this to the authorities and get ready to act with an intervention order in the event of threats.

 

Number 4 Go No or Modified Contact

You don’t have to tell the narcissist you are leaving – and as I just expressed, it is better that you don’t.

Actions speak louder than words.

Once out, it’s time to block the narcissist. Don’t take contact from him or her. If you have businesses or children together, get the ball moving with setting up a parenting plan and third-party channels of communication.

Detaching and healing is VITAL now, and continued contact will not allow you to do that. Make sure the people around you know that you will not be in contact with this person, other than through other channels and that you need them to respect this.

 

Number 5 Don’t Want or Look Out for Accountability or Change

When I finally got away and stayed away from my two narcissistic experiences, not wanting and looking out for accountability helped so much.  I NO longer believed there was ANY hope of change.

When you have been dealing with someone who is capable of what narcissists are – pathological lying, deflection, nil accountability, malicious acts and horrifically abusive situations – remember that these people have crossed the line.

They are damaged goods. They can’t and won’t heal. It’s just not going to happen.

You need to REALLY mean No Contact – which means I am no longer hanging out for you to tell me you love me; that you are going to fix this; that you will change and we can get back together.

NO! Those days are gone – no matter what you say, what crocodile tears you put on or what promises you make!

You need to face facts. How many times has that happened already and you’ve ended up in exactly the same horrific place?

Shut the door and MEAN it!

Of course, you are going to have feelings and urges to return. Of course, the feelings of broken dreams and dismay come up. But NOW your resolution is between you and you. If you take this to the NARP Modules, those feelings will pass very quickly, and you will emerge strong and no longer susceptible to going back or accepting a hoover attempt.

 

Number 6 Detach From The Smearing

A narcissist will do their best to dismantle your support forces and discredit you to the main people in your life. This will be your family, friends, colleagues, boss and maybe even the authorities.

The smearing may be so vicious, that you start getting abused by proxy by people enlisted by the narcissist. It might even be the police or other agencies, that the narcissist has arranged to investigate you.

There is a golden rule with this – let go of the fear of what other people think of you and heal this terrible trauma within yourself. I can’t emphasise this enough, because being persecuted is one of the most terrible human fears that we can feel.

I got slammed with this. Many of us have.

I was so traumatised by the smearing, that I thought that I was going to die. It wasn’t until I released all of the trauma inside, that I was able to deal calmly and succinctly with the authorities, and I was no longer affected by what family, friends and colleagues thought.

The smear campaigns fell over.

Previously when I was triggered, it just got worse and worse. The more I tried to prove my innocence, the less credible I appeared.

When I let go of trying to fight back and just worked on myself, the whole thing dissolved away. I promise you, with all of my heart, that the same will happen for you.

 

Number 7 Value Your Soul Above All Else

Over the last ten plus years, I have been deeply connected with thousands of people’s recovery after leaving a narcissist, and I want to finish with this message.

Value your Soul; your Inner Self.

Deeply learn to come home to you and make ‘you healing you’ your greatest priority.

Are you prepared to put your soul’s worth in front of bricks and mortar?

Are you prepared to be an example of ‘not succumbing and tolerating abuse’, rather than staying with the narcissist, so that your children don’t have a broken family?

Are emotional feelings and soul truths your priority now? Or are you staying because you think you should ‘have’ certain things – at a horrible soul expense?

Are you going to stay because of your fears, limitations or insecurities? Or are you going to commit to growing and developing yourself to be the source of love and approval and security and survival you need to be non-reliant on the narcissist and go forth and create your True Life for yourself? Do you want to be a positive and true example to those you love?

I want you to know that there is an infallible Universal Law that goes like this – when you honour you, life will honour you – with more abundance love and joy than you could imagine.

 

Phenomenal Support

For those of you needing to leave, or struggling to leave, I SO hope that this Thriver TV Episode has helped you.

I want you to know, with all of my heart, that you don’t need to do this alone. Myself and many other Thrivers had to go through it – obscene trauma, battles, aftershock and fallout with narcissists – and we are here for you.

We know how to get through this, and we know the best way to successfully leave and then resurrect your life, as well as rendering narcissists powerless against you.

Many people in our community are getting through this process EXTREMELY successfully and PAINLESSLY. Winning custody and settlements, and even having narcissists fully capitulate to give them what they want.

They do this because they are diligently working with NARP, their Inner Being powerful weapon, and they are in the NARP Member’s Forum, where the best minds in the work in abuse recovery are there to help you with unlimited 24/7 access – so any time that you are in need.

This all comes for free as a part of your NARP Gold Membership.

Also, please know I sponsor 10% of all NARP Programs to people in financial distress, because I don’t want anyone in need, who can’t afford NARP, to go without.

Mind you NARP is so affordable, it only costs the price of 2–3 counselling sessions. Also, it has a full money-back guarantee.

But if you can’t afford this, then you can apply for sponsorship with my support team at support@melanietoniaevans.com. If you are accepted, it means that you can start NARP and have all of its support structures at NO cost

Okay, so in closing, I really want to say this to you…

In the ten years plus that I have been doing narcissistic abuse Thriver Recovery work, I promise you there is a night-and-day difference between the people who don’t work with NARP and those who do. In fact, so different it seems like you are living in a different universe, and this is why I always bang on about NARP. It is my strongest suggestions for you.

It saves souls and lives and will grant you the most incredible life you could imagine on the other side. It is your solution, that you’ve been searching for.

So check out NARP and get all the right help, by clicking the link at the top right of this video.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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How To Shutdown A Narcissist Who Won’t Leave You Alone

How To Shutdown A Narcissist Who Won’t Leave You Alone

 

Narcissists can seem like terminators, who just won’t stop hurting you.

So, how is it possible to shut down a narcissist who won’t leave you alone?

Is it even possible?

People report all the time, even years later, that the narcissist is still terrorising them, making their life hell and continuing to turn up, over and over again.

Why is this? Haven’t these people got better things to do?

I know that if you are suffering from this, as I used to as well, you may believe: ‘It is because this person wants to make my life a living hell.’

Yes, narcissists are very capable of not leaving you alone, even years later – but truly that is not the reason why they are doing this.

In today’s article, I want to grant you the true reason why the narcissist won’t leave you alone, and how you CAN powerfully shut down a narcissist who previously wouldn’t leave you alone.

 

The Soul Contract

Let’s just get straight to it – my favourite quote of all time that encapsulates narcissistic abuse.

It’s by Pema Chodron and it’s this: ‘Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.’

In line with this quote, the most important understanding that you can ever have about a narcissist who won’t leave you alone is this – they are on a Soul Contract with you.

You may ask, ‘What does that mean?’

It means that they are activating within you something that is hurtful, namely they are triggering trauma within you and causing you great angst. But once you go inwards and claim this triggered emotional trauma within, and shore it up, then the narcissist will never again hit that trigger within you.

You may think I’m crazy, if you’ve not gone through incredible and profound Thriver Recovery, yet those of you who have, just as I have, know that what I am saying is incredibly true. When you heal within whatever the narcissist is pummelling, that’s when the narcissist can no longer trigger you, affect you or have any impact on you whatsoever.

It’s then, after your emotional graduation, that the narcissist will disappear from your experience.

You see, narcissists need the feed; they need narcissistic supply to be energised to keep attacking and hurting you. Your fear and pain are like the other half of the toxic magnet that feeds them – the bullets to keep shooting at you.

When your painful emotions no longer exist – when you truly couldn’t care less – then the narcissist has nothing. No energy, ammunition or impetus to keep hurting you.

But it goes deeper than this – to Quantum Reality – which is really what is going on at a soul level for you. Now, let’s get to the truth of what this means.

 

Your Soul’s Purpose and Mission

I thoroughly believe we are all here to unpack our false beliefs and traumas, which we have accumulated as humans and need to release, if we are to live as Who We Really Are.

Who are we?

We are Beings of love and light and personal power – to be ourselves, express our truths and bring forth our divine contribution to this planet. We are here to help birth heaven on earth, and to free this planet of the stranglehold of darkness and trauma that it has been submerged in for centuries.

There you have it – the REAL truth as I see it!

If you haven’t yet awoken to this consciously, I invite you to listen to what your Inner Being feels about this idea, because something cellularly within you knows it to be true.

This awakening back to your True Self, your True Power, is coded in your DNA and is simply waiting for you to meet and re-activate it.

So … how do we achieve this?

By stopping the focus and distractions on the outside that have caused us to serially self-abandon and self-avoid, and instead turn inwards to release the trauma we have accumulated in our energy fields and to organically live as ourselves.

When you do this and live without the trauma and false beliefs, you will see that a narcissist can no more exist in your reality and do what he or she has been doing to you, than an iceberg can exist in tropical waters. They just don’t go together.

I know that your brain may not want to accept this is true, because logically you can’t fathom how it works. But, can you logically explain why gravity works? Probably not – yet it is a Law that just IS.

Quantum Law is the same – so within, so without. The composition of your Inner Being is what you will choose, participate with and experience in your life. If you have come home to your True Self, then no matter what a False Self does to you, it will not impact, register or even be your reality. And once that graduation is reached, these attempts leave your reality – just as Pema Chodron quotes.

You will have learned what you needed to know.

 

What IS the Narcissist Teaching Us?

The narcissist brings to us EXACTLY the unhealed, unresolved wounds we have within us. All of the traumas we are carrying that are NOT our True Self.

It is with this idea, that it is something within us that we need to resolve, that people get really bent out of shape with and, of course, so want to hang onto their victimhood. And I understand this, because I used to be there myself.

However, I know I am not going to be able to help you heal by reinforcing your victimhood. Rather, I’m on the mission of saving souls and lives, by helping people evolve in the Thriver Way. So, my purpose is to spin these catastrophic experiences in our lives, into the grandest evolution possibilities imaginable. (Because they ARE!)

Narcissists are doing an incredible service for humanity – they are pushing people’s unconscious wounds up to consciousness so that we can finally wake up, turn inwards and release ourselves from these wounds.

And if you don’t, as Pema said – It ALL keeps going.

But if you DO, then the abuse stops and you will go up to your grand graduation, beyond abuse and abuse symptoms, into personal power and freedom. You will experience your own ascension into higher and more fulfilling trajectories.

And with this, finally, you will LOSE all fear of being abused in your future, because you have cleaned up all the traumas within that were allowing you to unconsciously hand power away.

This is the hero or heroine’s journey, through the bowels of hell into the light and love of heaven – and you can experience it here on earth … absolutely.

I want to share with you the BIG truth the narcissist is teaching us – that we are Quantum Creators from the inside out. It is NOT our Doingness that creates our life, it is our Beingness.

This is where science and spirituality and Quantum Truths are now connecting as powerhouses of healing and awakening, and they completely match our real-life experience. We know (Oh, we know) through the experience of narcissistic abuse, that when we try to survive and resurrect our outer life, whilst we are still mired in a traumatised inner life, that it doesn’t work in a positive or restorative way.

And from this traumatised inner place, you will find it impossible to shut down a narcissist who won’t leave you alone. The abuse continues, and may even be in your life for decades, regardless of whether the narcissist moves on with someone else, or you remain together.

What is it that you need to learn to avoid this?

You need to learn to love and honour yourself enough to turn inwards to meet and heal your unhealed parts. By turning inwards, with the intention and methods to Go Quantum, means you no longer try to work Life out logically.

Rather, you are connecting with the Infinite Wisdom you have within, that is stored in your visceral Inner Being.

Your answers are within – truly. And when you know how to naturally and organically find them, and work with yourself at this True Core level, you will wonder how you ever previously missed knowing this.

In fact, you will realise you always did know it. You just didn’t remember that you did.

And when you do re-member, that’s when you will come home.

 

Rising Above Fear

In the ten plus years that I have been helping people STOP narcissists attacking them and tearing their lives apart, I have observed that individuals only get true results the Quantum Way – whch means attending to the fearful emotion first and shifting their Beingness, before trying Doingness.

It’s then that the outer changes – it’s Quantum Law – it must do so.

In ALL ways. These individuals show up differently, in their power. They begin to attract and manifest support, situations and even miracles that grant them additional power and breakthrough.

They have become a master of their Life, from the inside out (which is the only place True Power resides), rather than a victim to it.

I’d love you to join me to get started on this ‘switch around’, that will grant you your power and truth, and release you from the narcissist’s prison – forever. 

 

P.S. Yesterday I made a special announcement that the MTE team is going to be hosting in-person Workshops in major cities around the world later this year!

I created a video to tell you all about it and also have a special little request for you… We want to know where the biggest Thriver Tribes and what kind of events you’d like to see.

We created a quick 2-min survey for this and if you complete the survey you will go in the special early-bird list, giving you the first opportunity to get tickets when they go on sale.

You can find out all the details here.

And I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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How Narcissists React When You Leave

How Narcissists React When You Leave

 

Leaving a narcissist can be confusing, painful and terrifying.  Narcissists do not like being LEFT by someone – it is a BIG insult to their ego.

So, what does that mean? It means that the narcissist will try to get BACK at you – HURT you, CONFUSE you, cause CHAOS for you and they do this in many ways.

In this Thriver TV episode, I share with you the NASTY things I have seen narcissists do when people leave them so you can be prepared for any fallout.

This is information that you REALLY need to know if you are going to leave or have just left!

 

 

Video Transcript

Leaving a narcissist is not like leaving a normal relationship.

Of course, all relationship endings can be very painful. In any relationship breakup people may not behave nicely for a time, because of being hurt. But relationship endings with narcissists take it to another level and can be fraught with lots of confusion and trauma.

Okay, before we get started, I’d like to remind you, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do, and thank you so much if you already have. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Alright, let’s get going. Let’s have a look at what you could be up for.

 

#1 – False Promises and Crocodile Tears

It’s quite common with narcissists, when you leave, to suddenly become apologetic and remorseful, promising to be better, do better and to make it up to you.

With narcissists this is not about genuine remorse and love for you – it is purely about re-hooking you up for narcissistic supply.

This is where we have it get very clear – words are cheap, and behaviour is the determinant of whether someone is not just genuine, but also has the resources to change.

People don’t just change because they say they will. People change because they are genuinely remorseful and are genuinely prepared to be accountable; to do the inner work to heal the reasons why they behave so abusively in the first place.

This is a long, hard process of healing, and is in no way an overnight thing.

Please note, if a person shows NPD characteristic – see my blog Are You With A Narcissist – it really is my recommendation that the chance of this person changing is negligible or non-existent. In no way does their proclamation and apologies mean their behaviour will alter.

So many of us have got back with narcissists time and time again only to realise that all that did happen was the abuse cycles became worse.

 

#2 – They Tell You They Were Ending It Anyway

There are two reasons a narcissist will tell you they were going to leave anyway, when you say you’re leaving them: to preserve their ego, so that they get the final say, and to try to freak you out and into thinking that you’ve been the one discarded.

They do this to hurt you, and so you become righteous and distraught when trying to explain to the narcissist why it is your choice to leave and not the other way around.

If this happens, you will fall right back onto the hook, trying to get the narcissist to understand you. You will end up capitulating, giving away more of your rights so that you end up back under the narcissist’s control, again.

See this for what it is, and don’t fall or it!

#3 – Stalk and Harass You

This can happen when a narcissist doesn’t want to lose control of you and the narcissistic supply they get from you.

This is especially prevalent when narcissists are the controlling and jealous types. Their approach and contact is likely to vary from situation to situation and could range from begging, crying, and trying to bargain, through to abusive and even violent words, threats and actions.

Please know, if you are being treated like this that it is SO important to work on releasing your fear to create solid and powerful boundaries. It is every person’s right to live free of harassment and intimidation, and remember you DO have the ability to place an intervention order.

#4 – Punish You

If a narcissist turns to vengeance, you’ll definitely know about it.

This is when they are likely to take things from you that are precious and attack what is most important to you. They might help themselves to your money and take possession of your things; turn people against you; refuse to give up your pets; or cut you off from your finances.

Therefore, it is really important that you leave quietly. Plan carefully and make sure that you have all your things secured before the narcissist knows it’s over.

If you have seen this person act maliciously in the past, absolutely don’t give them the benefit of the doubt and think they would not be capable of doing the same again. A narcissist who feels scorned, because of being a conscienceless entity, is capable of some pretty dirty things.

Also, be prepared for the smear campaign that undoubtedly will follow – virtually all narcissists do this. The best thing you can do is not feed it and try not to defend yourself, unless it becomes legal. If you do need to defend yourself, then work hard at releasing all your fears about the smear campaign, and just walk a straight, calm and honest line. Narcissists’ smear campaigns fall apart when you do this.

#5 – Replace You Quickly and Let You Know About It

A hallmark of narcissists is that they move on very quickly. I jokingly say it takes a narcissist as long as it takes to boil an egg to be back on a dating site! We all know that real people, who really love people, just aren’t capable of doing that!

Of course, this can be intensely painful. Narcissists love rubbing their ex-partner’s face in it. Please note, replacing you is likely to happen whether you leave the narcissist or the narcissist leaves you.

It’s so important for you to heal all the terrible feelings that can come up regarding being unlovable and replaced. I promise you that when you do, you will totally feel nothing but compassion for the narcissist’s new partner, and relief that it is no longer you in a relationship with this person.

#6 – Being Prepared

Please know that narcissists know where to hit. What I mean by this is that it will be the thing that will hurt you, confuse you or hook you in the most that the narcissist will do. If completely ignoring you after you leave is what will hurt you the most, I promise you that is exactly what will happen.

Why?

Because that is just what narcissists do!

The greatest way to get through whatever ways the narcissist responds to the breakup, is to be prepared to turn inwards to the scared and confused parts inside of you; to tend to any feelings of guilt, abandonment and fear, and heal them back to wholeness.

By doing so you will be able to leave, keep away and start to heal and flow into your new, abuse-free life.

That is my greatest passion and joy – helping individuals achieve this for real. People just like you.

So to get your journey started with me, you can sign up to my free 16-day course by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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leave a narcissist

Why It’s Hard To Leave a Narcissist

leave a narcissist

 

When we fall in love, it’s natural to become attached and form a romantic bond. But once in love with a narcissist, it’s not easy to leave, despite the abuse. Although you’re unhappy, you may be ambivalent about leaving because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, and/or enjoy lifestyle benefits.

Outsiders often question why you stay, or urge you to, “Just leave.” Those words can feel humiliating because you also think you should. You may want to leave, but feel stuck, and don’t understand why. This is because there are deeper reasons that keep you bonded unlike in other relationships.

Why it’s Hard to Leave a Narcissist

Narcissists, especially, can be exceedingly charming, interesting, and enlivening to be around. Initially, they and other abusers may treat you with kindness and warmth, or even love bomb you. Of course, you want to be with them forever and easily become dependent on their attention and validation. Once you’re hooked and they feel secure, they aren’t motivated to be nice to you. Their charming traits fade or disappear and are replaced or intermixed with varying degrees of coldness, criticism, demands, and narcissistic abuse. (See “Narcissus and Echo:  The Heartbreak of Relationships with Narcissists.)

You’re hopeful and accommodating and keep trying to win back their loving attention. Meanwhile, your self-esteem and independence are undermined daily. You may be gaslighted and begin doubting your own perceptions due to blame and lies. When you object, you’re attacked, intimidated, or confused by manipulation. Over time, you attempt to avoid conflict and become more deferential.  As denial and cognitive dissonance grow, you do and allow things you wouldn’t have imagined when you first met. Your shame increases as your self-esteem declines. You wonder what happened to the happy, self-respecting, confident person you once were.

Research confirms that it’s common for victims to attach to their abuser, particularly when there’s intermittent positive reinforcement. You may be trauma-bonded, meaning that after being subjected to prolonged belittling and control, you’ve become childlike and addicted to any sign of approval from your abuser. This is referred to as Stockholm Syndrome, named for hostages who developed positive feelings for their captors.

You’re especially susceptible to this if the relationship dynamics are repeating a pattern you experienced with a distant, abusive, absent, or withholding parent. The trauma bond with your partner outweighs the negative aspects of the relationship. Studies show that victims of physical abuse on average don’t leave until after the seventh incident of violence. They not only fear retaliation, but also the loss of the emotional connection with their partner, which can feel worse than the abuse.

Additionally, codependents, who are usually preyed upon by narcissists and abusers, often feel trapped and find it hard to leave any relationship. They can be loyal to a fault due to their codependency.

After You Leave a Narcissist

Narcissists and abusers are basically codependent. (See “Narcissists are Codependent, too.”) If you distance yourself from them, they do what it takes to pull you back in, because they don’t want to be abandoned. Narcissists want to keep you interested to feed their ego and supply their needs (“narcissistic supply”). Being left is a major humiliation and blow to their fragile self. They will attempt to stop you with kindness and charm, blame and guilt-trips, threats and punishment, or neediness, promises, or pleas―whatever it takes to control you so that they “win.”

If you succeed in leaving a narcissist, they usually continue their games to exert power over you that compensates for their hidden insecurities. They may gossip and slander you to family and friends, hoover you to suck you back into the relationship (like a vacuum cleaner). They show up on your social media, try to make you jealous with photos of them having fun with someone else, talk to your friends and relatives, text or call you, promise to reform, express guilt and love, ask for help, or “accidentally” appear in your neighborhood or usual haunts.

They don’t want to be forgotten but keep you waiting and hoping. Just when you think you’ve moved on, you’re reeled back in. This may reflect their intentional spacing of contacts. Even if they don’t want to be with you, they may not want you to let go or be with anyone else. The fact that you respond to them may give them enough satisfaction. When they contact you, remember that they’re incapable of giving you what you need.

You might feel guilty or tell yourself that your ex really still loves you and that you’re special to him or her. Who wouldn’t want to think that? You’re vulnerable to forgetting all the pain you had and why you left. (See “Why and How Narcissists Play Games.”) If you resist their attention, it fuels their ambition. But once you fall into their trap and they feel in control, they’ll return to their old cold and abusive ways. Only consistent, firm boundaries will protect you and disincentivize them.

How to Leave a Narcissist

As long as you’re under their spell an abuser has control over you. In order to become empowered, you need to educate yourself. Come out of denial to see reality for what it is. Information is power. Read up on narcissism and abuse on my website. If you’re unsure whether you want to leave, take the steps in Dealing with a Narcissist to improve your relationship and evaluate whether it’s salvageable. Regardless of your decision, it’s important for your own mental health to redeem your autonomy and self-esteem. Take these steps:

  1. Find a support group, including a therapist, 12-Step group, like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), and sympathetic friends―not ones who bash your spouse or judge you for staying.
  2. Become more autonomous. Create a life aside from your relationship that includes friends, hobbies, work, and other interests. Whether you stay or leave, you need a fulfilling life to supplement or replace your relationship.
  3. Build your Self-Esteem. Learn to value yourself and honor your needs and feelings. Develop trust in your perceptions and overcome self-doubt and guilt.
  4. Learn How to be Assertive and set boundaries.
  5. Learn how to nurture yourself. This is a life skill and also insulates you from abuse. See “12 Tips to Self-Love and Compassion.” Get the Self-Love Meditation.
  6. Identify the abuser’s defenses and your triggers. Detach from them. On my website, get “14 Tips for Letting Go.”
  7. If you’re physically threatened or harmed, immediately seek shelter. Physical abuse repeats itself. Read about the cycle of violence and actions to take.
  8. Don’t make empty threats. When you decide to leave, be certain you’re ready to end the relationship and not be lured back.
  9. If you decide to leave, find an experienced lawyer who is a family law specialist. Mediation is not a good option when there is a history of abuse. See “Do’s and Don’t’s of Divorce.”
  10. Whether you leave or are left, allow yourself time to grieve, build resilience, and recover from the breakup.
  11. Maintain strict no contact, or only minimally necessary, impersonal contact that’s required for co-parenting in accordance with a formal custody-visitation agreement.

The post Why It’s Hard To Leave a Narcissist appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide

How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide

Prepare to leave your abuser ahead of time to protect yourself and your assets. Your abuser may become violent and is likely to take financial assets or destroy evidence of abuse or infidelity. Take steps to protect yourself, your children, your assets and your credit. Stay safe when he is being served with the divorce complaint.

The post How to Leave Your Abuser: A Step-By-Step Guide appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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