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Conquering Self-Sabotage – How To Achieve Anything You Want Out Of Life

Conquering Self-Sabotage – How To Achieve Anything You Want Out Of Life

 

Self-sabotage is like a runaway train. It’s those strong urges that make us create excuses and justifications.

We are our own worst enemies at times.

WHY do we self-sabotage when we know these choices are NOT what we want in our life?

Find out the answer in this Thriver’s Life episode and stop going through the utter frustration of giving in to self-sabotage urges, that you know HURT you, and be free from them FOREVER…

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series … the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

Can I just be really straight with you? This is Thriver’s Life after all – we cut to the chase here!

We are our own worst enemies.

When you understand Quantum Law – and that you are the generator of your own experience – you know that the only thing between you and your goals is yourself.

This is not damning or blaming ourselves…

It’s exciting because it puts the power back where we can do something about it.

Today, I am going to talk to you about our number one biggest issue – self-sabotage. And I am so excited to talk to you about HOW to OVERCOME it as well.

But before I do, I’d just like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please give it a thumbs up.

Okay, let’s get this Thriver Life episode rolling.

 

Knowing Self-Sabotage Inside Out

I feel totally qualified to talk to you about this today – because I used to be the self-sabotage Queen!

I was highly addictive.

Definition being – not able to withstand emotional distress and grabbing self-medication outside of myself to try to numb the inner emotional pain.

That, in a NUTSHELL, is what self-sabotage is.

It is about making a choice to avoid our feelings that doesn’t help our feelings, but only adds more trauma to them.

Self-sabotage is a HUGE issue within this community, because most of us have suffered from lack of inner wholeness and solidness; have had difficulty to self soothe and heal our emotions (be released from inner trauma); and have therefore been highly susceptible to being traumatised and hooked onto people and things that are not healthy for us.

This is what I used to do when emotional pain hit – I would try to get comfort either from the very people who were hurting me or the other narcissist in my life – ‘cigarettes’.

Included in my ways to self-avoid were also junk food and alcohol.

Then there was workaholism.

On the surface, it would seem that this ‘go-to’ was healthy. But nothing is healthy when it’s out of balance, and certainly when it’s being used as a way to self-avoid feelings and to self-abandon inner trauma – rather than heal it to completion.

To be in balance and healthy needs these components:

  • Emotional Wellbeing
  • Spiritual Wellbeing
  • Physical Wellbeing
  • Financial Wellbeing
  • Mission and Purpose Wellbeing
  • Restorative Wellbeing
  • Connective Wellbeing with self, life and others.

All of us have areas of ourselves to work on – that is the glory and grace of evolution!

All of us have areas that we self-sabotage in.

I suggest that you write these down, journal on them and be honest with yourself. Be really honest. Which of these areas in your life do you self-sabotage?

 

Claiming Your Power to Change Self-Sabotage

Again, I’m going to be really straight with you.

You are not going to give up self-sabotage tendencies if you refuse to give up blame and shame (of others or yourself). Or if you wait for someone else to rescue you, atone or be brought to justice. Or if you refuse to take the responsibility to do the necessary inner work to heal and change yourself.

Also, regardless of your age or circumstances, if you stay dependent on others for your Wellbeing, and hold them responsible for it, you won’t get better.

Yes, absolutely others can help and assist, and will, but only if you are willing to heal and help yourself first.

I can’t express to you enough – the wonder of how ALL of life will start nourishing and flourishing you in the most incredible ways when you make overcoming your traumas and healing yourself your highest mission.

As your own powerful Quantum Creator, who is creating ‘more of’ your inner beliefs and alignments in your outer world every moment of every day, it’s advantageous to take radical and personal responsibility to know this: When life works, it is reflecting where you are at with that topic. When life doesn’t work, it’s reflecting where you are at with that topic.

Things are definitely not working optimally in our life when we are self-sabotaging.

So, let’s now dissect self-sabotage.

 

The Characteristics of Self-Sabotage

Darling Thriver, I know you know when you are self-sabotaging.

You know you didn’t want to sleep in when you made a commitment to move your body with exercise.

You know that putting something off or having the discussion that you know you need to do, is causing more pain for you now.

You know that when you are doing an addictive thing it is undermining your health, Being and the values that you have for yourself.

You know when you are indulging in trash talk, how terrible it feels for you – instead of staying aligned with Who You Really are on a topic.

You know you didn’t want to break No Contact.

I virtually always knew when I was doing self-sabotage … and I know you do too.

Why do we do it?

Because we are giving in to trying to soothe the trauma with a quick-fix – which we know won’t durably work – rather than face and heal the trauma.

Self-sabotage is like a runaway train. The strong urges make us create excuses and justifications; often insane reasons that we know are lame. When we are explaining why we are going to make a bad choice to someone, it is usually ourselves we are trying to convince the most.

Then if that fails, we can come up with an old personal favourite of mine – ‘That’s okay, I’ll get back to where I need to be tomorrow’. I applied this to continuing to see the narcissist, smoking a cigarette and having a blow out with alcohol.

You may do this too!

Of course, tomorrow never comes!

 

How to Powerfully Overcome Self-Sabotage

A previous client of mine gambled – heavily. Disastrously.

In every area of her life, she was doing well – yes this was her self-sabotage, self-medication and self-destruct, whenever she experienced internal emotional trauma.

In her earlier years, marijuana was her go-to. But she got clear and healed this completely with Quanta Freedom Healing.

This lady was a NARPer (member of The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program), and I gave her the explicit instruction that when the addiction hit hard, that urge to go gamble, that her adult self needed to take charge, in the EXACT moment, and march herself off to a NARP healing.

There she could meet the inner urges and trauma, whilst they were fully energised in her body, release them, go free from them and reprogram them ON the SPOT – instead of giving in to them.

She had already achieved that with marijuana. Her massive shift out of all urges and addiction to being stoned happened, after a month of bingeing, in a healing with me in the EXACT moment of the terrible urges and breakdown.

After just one hour of healing, she has never had any tendency to smoke again, despite decades of pot addiction.

How is this possible?

I can assure you it is. And the reason is because all of her unconscious traumas, that had been driving the addiction, were fully active in her body. That’s what urges are – traumatised screams inducing the feeling of needing the choice of addiction to numb them out.

The addiction is not the issue. It’s the unhealed inner traumas driving the need to self-medicate.

Yet she hadn’t done this in a NARP healing right at the MOMENT of the urge with gambling. And I knew 100% that if she did – she would heal that addiction, too.

 

The Steps to Heal the Traumas Driving Your Self-Sabotage

How do we come out of the fog and into the driver’s seat to stop giving in to our self-sabotages?

Step #1 – Be honest with yourself.

Call it out – instead of being led down the garden path by the excuses.

I’ll give you a simple example…

Let’s say there is a block of chocolate in the house and you feel the urge to eat it – and you know if you start you will eat the whole block.

If you are a NARPer you have two choices:

Give in and loathe yourself afterwards – which just sets up the peptide addiction to do it AGAIN (your body will chase the powerful surge of self-loathing peptides in the future)…

OR … admit to yourself that you are self-sabotaging your health goals and do…

Step #2 – Take yourself firmly by the hand to a NARP Module and meet the trauma in your body and shift it out.

You will find origins of all sorts of things that hurt you; that are causing you to self-medicate excessively with sugar.

After doing a NARP Module, you will find you have NO urge to go for the chocolate. You will feel whole and satisfied on the inside and will have decreased urges for excessive chocolate in the future.

Okay, maybe you will need to meet this trauma in your body several times before all urges of this traumatic self-medication choice are gone … but I promise you, if you do, it will go.

And you will emerge stronger, more healed and more whole, growing in personal integrity, integration and evolution, knowing that you can look after yourself to create all of that and more.

NARP Module work is the ultimate self-soothing. It not only calms your emotions, it completely transforms and reprograms them!

Now let’s just get clear about this final thing … Step 3

Step #3 – Understand that dealing with your trauma is the last thing you will want to do, and the relief and the joy of doing so will only be after you have done the Module work.

However, the more you train yourself to do this, as a way of life, the easier it gets to do.

Truly! Every, and I mean EVERY, area of your life can and will heal when you meet self-sabotage at its core by targeting…

‘The traumas in my body that are causing me to not do this (the thing that will serve you )…or to do that (the thing that doesn’t serve you).

It is no exaggeration to say that stopping self-sabotage may be a life and death choice, when it comes to narcissistic abuse. With this understanding, you will eliminate breaking No Contact, reacting and feeding them supply, or being terrified about standing up and creating boundaries.

I hope now that you realise just what a powerful tool and application that you have learnt today is – for EVERY area of your life that you wish to break free in.

I adore this healing journey. I am a completely different being from my previous self – in the positive – and I know you will be, too.

To learn more about trauma, how it is controlling your life and how to live completely free from it to create the Life and Self of your dreams, please click this link if you are not yet working with NARP.

And if you are a NARP member, you may want to consider checking out my Empowered Self Course, which takes your graduation and evolution to even more accelerated levels.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And, as always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

Okay, so after narcissistic abuse recovery, let’s evolve as far as we can, with grace and grist.

Why?

Because we CAN!

 

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transforming your life during and after divorce

5 Tips For Transforming Your Life During And After Divorce

transforming your life during and after divorce

 

Waiting for something awesome to happen simply means waiting. Absent movement and change, nothing awesome happens. Sadly, we often forget that without struggle there is no change. We as humans generally don’t change our habits, lifestyle, mindset or anything unless something hits us smack in the face.

Therefore, while divorce is undoubtedly a life changing event, recognize your power over the situation, your choices involved in the situation and hit the process back by using the time for self-awareness, self-love, and learning to truly be there for the only person we have control over- ourselves.

Divorce is certainly a difficult time but made more difficult by our self-loathing and self-beliefs. The rejection, the pain of being left, the fear of losing friends, family, and the only identity we feel we have is scary. But stepping back and taking the time to focus on you isn’t selfish, it’s necessary if this process and struggle is to provide you anything positive in your life moving forward.

If there was ever a time to be self-absorbed, this is it. Use this process as a time to figure out YOU.  What do YOU really want- not what others want for you or from you. Doing this will not only reflect compassion and care for yourself, but it will also teach you or assist you in learning the relationship we should all have with ourselves and often don’t and never do absent pain.

Too often in times of pain, we are inclined to substitute that pain with other people, places and things and only to end up in the same sad place we started, often more wounded and feeling less in control. Recognition of our responsibilities to ourselves and our ability to have a positive relationship with ourselves is the truest gift we can give ourselves.

To step back and find your true happiness alone gives you the power to be truly happy with others in the future.  Most of us, up until divorce or death, accept our place in the world without a thought as to whether we are true to ourselves and happy in this place. It’s just the place we envisioned for ourselves because of our own initial beliefs and outside influences showing us what happiness looks like. This is the time to reverse this for good and learn to be your own best friend.

Obviously I am aware that everything in this article is easier said than done. But for me, I have learned that almost every day I will face something that triggers my lack of self-love or will show me an area of myself that I haven’t learned to embrace and love. Every single day something in our life will occur that challenges our own belief system and until we learn the tools to lean on and take that control back, every single day belongs to someone other than the only person who will never leave us- ourselves.

Therefore, while there is certainly no easy and clear path to self-love (or I haven’t found it yet), there are certain mindsets and actions to practice during this difficult time that can transform your life moving forward.

Tips For Transforming Your Life During And After Divorce

1. Don’t Obsess on Your Weaknesses. Focus on Your Strengths:

For most people, if they receive one insult and ten compliments in a day they will focus on the one insult. When you feel that happening, step back, write a list of 5-10 things you know you do well or that you know are your strengths.

2. Focus on Yourself. Be Self-Absorbed:

During divorce and separation, our roles as parents change. The kids are no longer with us every day, every night, every weekend or every holiday. As painful as this is, and believe me I empathize very much as to missing our children, rather than using the time to socialize more and throw ourselves into a dating frenzy, take some time alone.  While socializing is certainly important, it continues our reliance on someone other than ourselves to validate our existence and importance and gives away our control over our happiness once again.

3. Be Determined To Gain Power Versus Focusing on the Loss:

It is incredibly easy when any relationship ends whether by divorce, death or even the end of a friendship, to blame yourself and engage in the “I’m not good enough” game. See that mindset for what it is – a game of self-defense and a means to make justify inaction. You get power in any situation or struggle you overcome if you focus on that aspect. It is, of course, easier to be a victim, convince yourself it’s your fault and you are unworthy, but remember that this is on you.

It’s safer to lay down and hide from our feelings, but it’s incredibly powerful and positive to learn to love ourselves even when it feels like no one else does.

4. Decisions vs. Conditions:

Practice recognizing the choice you have in the outcome of life. The choices we have daily to make ourselves happy.  See that for most of us we rely on the perception of “conditions” because it’s safer.  If we don’t see our actions and beliefs as choices but rather as conditions, we can theoretically have someone other than ourselves to blame.

Again, the risk in pain is there because we are owning our choices but the risk of gain and true happiness in our true selves can only come from seeing that most of our life is made up of choices, not conditions imposed on us like some life sentence.

5. Smile:

Smiling in the mirror at the one person who will never leave you is the biggest source of comfort.  We have absolutely no control over how anyone feels about us, looks at us, or views us.  Showing ourselves a tiny bit of self-love with a simple smile in the morning can go a long way.

Showing the world we love ourselves openly is not narcissistic but in fact, is showing the world of our ability to love others as well.  In other words, if we can’t smile at ourselves we certainly can’t expect anyone else to smile back.

The post 5 Tips For Transforming Your Life During And After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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need to get a life

8 Signs You Really Need To Get a Life

need to get a life

 

I work a lot, an awful lot. I’ve been working an awful lot for years. Recently I’ve noticed something. I no longer get invitations to go out with girlfriends. Heck, I no longer get invitations to hang with family. Why? Because they are all used to me using work as an excuse for not participating in anything other than work.

In other words, I need to get something other than a work-life. I need to get a real-life!

I think it’s common for us single moms to build our lives around our children and our need to keep from drowning financially. Being hypervigilant in taking care of our children and getting our bills paid can also be a good excuse for not having a life.

If you’ve been hurt, let down and disappointed by life, building a wall around yourself protects you from being hurt and disappointed again. Live like that long enough and you’ll find that safe cocoon you’ve wrapped yourself in will begin to cause you to feel just as much emotional pain as real life can at times.

If These 8 Signs Describe You, You Really Need to Get a Life

1. You spend your weekends binge-watching Netflix.

Netflix

The highlight of your weekend is binge watching Netflix and eating takeout. You tell yourself you’re easy to make happy but, the reality is Netflix on the weekend is all you have going on. Which isn’t a bad thing, if you’ve got someone to binge with.

 

2. Instagram depresses you.

Instagram

You constantly feel pangs of envy when looking at people’s Instagram feeds. Is everyone in the world having more fun than you are? Answer: No, they’re just better at faking it. You eventually follow nothing but puppies, kittens, and National Geographic so you aren’t constantly reminded that you can’t even fake a real life.

 

3. You haven’t been laid in months, maybe even years.

haven't been laid

You sleep in a bed with your laptop, your dog and a pile of books and magazines. Nothing says “I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like” than a bunch of crap taking the place of where a man’s body should be. “Um, this area is reserved for my celibacy. Please stay away. Thank you!”

 

4. You live vicariously through others.

live vicariously through others

You’re a spectator watching how other people spend their time. You’re constantly talking about what other people are doing or have planned because you’re doing nothing and planning nothing. You keep up with the “Joneses” but you have no motivation to join the “Joneses.” You’re in a crowd of busy people but, all alone.

 

5. You chat with more people online than in real life. 

Chatting Online

You belong to support groups, quilting groups, maybe even a book club but, they are all online. When you aren’t at work, the only people you talk to are via a $1,500 laptop that holds the contact info for your closest “friends.” The Internet allows you to say whatever you want to whoever you want. It’s your safety shield, your way to connect with others without ever really connecting. It isn’t real life, though, only a crutch because maybe real life scares you?

 

6. You’re always doing stuff for other people. 

doing for others

You won’t take a nice long bath, buy yourself a new outfit, go out drinking with the girls or for dinner with a close friend. And the reason is that your time is consumed by doing things for other people, maybe it’s your kids or maybe you’re just a good friend who others can rely on for favors. Whatever the reason, you spend most of your time putting other’s needs first which happens to be a great way of not having to admit you have needs of your own. While you’re busy helping others you may help yourself right out of a life of your own.

 

7. You’re afraid to try new things.

afraid to try new things

You’re already stuck in your ways and you’re a young woman. How is that possible? You go to the same deli and the same restaurant each week because you like the food there. You have the same daily routine of a run in the morning then work then chores then something else that’s boring.

Stop playing it safe. Life is way too boring if you stay inside the secure confines of your comfort zone. You might just give your life a bit more gusto by finding something you never knew you had a passion for if you start trying out a few new things. You only get one life, make sure you make the most of it that you can.

 

8. You’ve turned into a negative Nelly.

negative nelly

All you can seem to do if find something to complain about. What is she wearing that? Why does he talk so loud? You’re not a whole lot of fun to be around and, most of the time your mood is so sour you don’t feel like leaving the house.

The thing is if you had a life of your own you wouldn’t be complaining so much about other people. If you had a life you wouldn’t be staying at home with Netflix for company when your friends ask you to go out.

The post 8 Signs You Really Need To Get a Life appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Should You Demand Life Insurance in a Divorce Settlement?

Should You Demand Life Insurance in a Divorce Settlement?

A judge may order the providing spouse to maintain a life insurance policy to cover alimony or child support obligations to the recipient spouse as part of a divorce settlement.

The post Should You Demand Life Insurance in a Divorce Settlement? appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Life away from a loving mother. The new norm.

Life away from a loving mother. The new norm.

We agree that a shift was needed to make it more likely that fathers would be involved, actively involved, in the lives of their children after divorce. Agreed, it should not be an automatic decision that a mother would have sole custody and all decision-making rights.

What is happening in our culture in the effort to ‘level the playing field’ for fathers is that we’ve gone very far astray in serving the needs of children for the sake of gaming, in some form, what a natural outcome should be when there are two loving, safe parents eager to care for their children. Ensuring that fathers are involved and that shared parenting is supported is a great thing, for sure. The unfortunate reality, though, is that some lawyers are hiding behind “father’s rights” to profit from completely eradicating mothers from the children’s lives. Children are being taught that it is normal for their mother to be ‘gone’ from their lives because ‘that’s how it went in court.’ But that is not what good men and good fathers do. Something is wrong and our children are being deceived. Deprived is the right word.

This is not the time or place for debating alienating tactics but rather calling attention to the shocking number of times a caregiver parent, the parent holding the fort down, handling all the ordinary needs and day to day routines and soothing the upset tummies and listening to the tall tales (and cleaning up after the furry tails) is shoved to the side because of litigation abuse. It’s not about who is more involved or “better,” but about what happens when favors are done in litigation for the purpose of enabling and increasing profits for the professionals controlling the litigation between parents.

I have the authority to talk on this subject this way because I have intervened and advocated for nearly as many fathers as I have mothers, simply because I am focused uniquely on what children need and on what some professionals will do the entire family when there is no accountability for their actions. The simplest analogy I can give you is a story in legal news about a car repair shop that took in vehicles for repair and instead of fixing the problem as presented, the man in control took the vehicle and smashed it up a bit more so he could collect more for the repairs. The title of the article about his prosecution read “Bumping up the damages,” and that is exactly what occurs in far too many domestic situations.

What lawyers, guardians and psychologists are ignoring is that this approach is life-threatening to children. Fueling fires to keep parents fighting rather than holding accountable, establishing boundaries and motivating them to stop fighting carries obvious consequences for the parents and for the children, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Not yet anyway.

Will you join me in changing this trend?

The approach of increasing damages to increase profits, like with the car repair shop, is what I refer to as ‘profit over protection,’ a strategy that puts the needs of the children and rights of parents below – way below – the financial interests, the billings and relationships between certain lawyers and guardians and/or psychologists who determine where children should live and which parent should have decision-making. Yes, it’s a tough and often unpopular topic of discussion, but one we need to have if we really want to stabilize children and families and set them up to succeed.

Let’s talk!

Deborah Beacham

Founder, My Advocate Center, Inc.

Follow me on Twitter: @DebBeachamATL or @MyAdvocateCentr

Life away from a loving mother. The new norm. 1



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blended family life

4 Tips For Helping Your Kids Adjust To Blended Family Life

blended family life

 

According to statistics, there are many more stepfamilies today than there were a decade ago. And the number is projected to grow steadily. It is, therefore, essential for you as the mom in a blended family to help the children make necessary adjustments because such situations hit kids the hardest.

Below are a few ways you can help the kids make the adjustments required for their new, blended way of life.

Helping Your Kids Adjust To Blended Family Life

Explain the unique situation to the kids

As mentioned earlier, kids are the most affected when their parents either die or get divorced. Therefore, it would be a good idea for you as the mom to make ample time and talk to the kids involved. Acknowledge the difficulties they are going through and give them a pat on the back for being so brave. Then assure them by promising to be with them every step of the way.

Knowing that they have a strong and understanding mom who is ready to help will make the adjustment much easier for the kids, whether they’re yours or not.

Acknowledge their losses and help them through it

Blended families come as a result of deaths, divorces, or nasty breakups. Once again, the kids are usually hit the hardest when they lose a parent (or both their parents). The latter explains why kids are often very reluctant to accept blended families. As a caring mother, or stepmother, acknowledging their pain and at the same time helping them through it will make the transition much easier for the kids.

Helping kids through their pain is easier said than done. Some kids will outright disrespect you or throwing nasty tantrums in the name of coping with their new situation. If the latter happens, then it would be in your best interest to seek professional help. Once you’ve helped the kids overcome their pain, they’ll gradually start warming up to the idea of a blended family.

Nurture existing relationships

Just because you’ve forged a new, complicated relationship doesn’t mean death to the old ties that existed before the blended family. Therefore, it would be a good idea for you and your children to keep your old family traditions. If you used to watch movies or go bike riding once a month, stick to doing that because it will only make the transition gradual and as natural as possible.

You can also encourage your new man to do the same with his kids since they need help as well. Afterward, you can slowly create and introduce new family traditions with the blended family without getting rid of the old ones. Feel free to set your nice alarm panel to remind you of the times you and your kids ought to be doing your usual activities.

Encourage respect

Respect is the glue that holds together all kinds of relationships. And since blended families happen to be complex relationship structures, the more you have to emphasize respect since everything can fall apart so easily. You can start by letting the kids know the importance of respecting each other’s boundaries as well as privacy. There should be consequences if anyone doesn’t recognize anyone in the new family setting.

A final word

Being a member of a blended family can be challenging, especially if there are more kids involved. Therefore, it would be in your best interest to try and approach the situation with a lot of care. Try listening to the kids and letting them know you’ll be there for them every step of the way. If it gets a bit difficult, then don’t hesitate to seek outside help.

Lastly, it’s essential to always remember it gets worse before getting better. Once the children know that the new blended system is meant for them to thrive, they’ll gradually warm up to the idea.

The post 4 Tips For Helping Your Kids Adjust To Blended Family Life appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Moving On: Redesigning Your Social Life After Divorce

Moving On: Redesigning Your Social Life After Divorce

Now is your chance to try out new sports, new hobbies, new social activities, and new exercise classes. With all those options, you’re bound to meet plenty of new and interesting people in the process.

The post Moving On: Redesigning Your Social Life After Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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Bullies, you haters of life and freedom

I don’t ever expect bullies to get a sudden awareness of consciousness to be kind and selfless towards others. That would require them to be human. Instead, a bully realms in the level of parasite. Sucking the life from anyone … continue reading

The post Bullies, you haters of life and freedom appeared first on Karen Lodrick.

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divorce and life insurance

Getting Divorced? Don’t Forget about Life Insurance

divorce and life insurance

 

If you’re a divorced woman, chances are you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. The chaotic and difficult process of getting divorced means you’ll spend lots of time weeding through the marital assets, separating finances, and sorting out vital things like custody of children. Getting financially stable after a divorce is no easy feat, and there are lots to manage.

One area many divorcing couples overlook is life insurance. As a divorced woman, the challenges addressed by securing life insurance are two-fold. First and foremost, any existing policies will need to be adjusted to change beneficiaries and ensure the protection of child support or alimony payments. Secondly, you’ll need to consider the best kind of life insurance policy for your situation and how much coverage you’ll need moving forward.

Here are a few items to add to your to-do list as a divorcee to ensure you and any dependents are financially protected, both in the short term and the foreseeable future.

Getting Divorced? Don’t Forget about Life Insurance

Changing Beneficiaries

When you were married, your spouse was probably listed as the primary beneficiary on your life insurance policy. After all, the entire point of life insurance is to shelter your family and loved ones if your income is lost through a tragic death. A life insurance policy is a crucial contingency plan for meeting financial obligations like mortgages, car payments, and putting food on the table.

After a divorce, much of that calculus changes. If you are divorced without children, chances are you’re not keen to see your spouse benefit on the event of your demise. No matter your marital status, life insurance companies don’t dispute who receives payouts on a policy. For the company, it’s a simple contract between the insurance carrier and the policyholder. The beneficiary is whomever you documented when you took out the policy, and that won’t change unless you file a specific request with the company.

Changing beneficiaries is usually a straightforward process of contacting your life insurance carrier. Unless you have a policy with irrevocable beneficiaries, you can specify someone new to receive the payout upon your death with minimal paperwork and fuss. Some insurance carriers provide ways to accomplish this online, while others require going through a broker or submitting notarized documentation.

And remember, life insurance isn’t the only thing you’ll need to update. Remember to switch over other insurance policies, including health, home, and auto insurance. It’s also essential to change the beneficiaries in any legal documentation that might survive you, like a will and a power of attorney.

Policies with Cash Value

Some permanent life insurance policies, such as whole life or universal life policies, accumulate cash value. As you pay premiums, a portion of the money goes into an investment fund that can expand as the stocks rise. If you’ve had such a policy and recently divorced, you probably discovered the balance in that fund is considered part of the marital assets. You’ll typically have two options—keep the policy and continue paying premiums or cash out and divide the spoils.

For typical term life insurance policies, no payout is made until death occurs or the policy period expires. However, for whole and universal life insurance policies, you can choose to decline any potential death benefit in lieu of taking the current cash value of the policy. Therefore, these kinds of permanent life insurance policies are considered part of your net worth as a couple and get divided as assets during the divorce settlement accordingly.

You may also want to speak to a financial advisor in addition to your divorce attorney before making any critical decisions about dissolving or dividing assets. Financial experts can give you advice about how to handle transitioning not only insurance policies but also other assets like 401(k) and retirement plans in a way that’s equitable for both spouses and avoids tax penalties.

Protect Your Income

When you get divorced, life insurance isn’t solely about covering your lost income for the dependents you leave behind. It’s also about replacing any potential child support or alimony payments if you or your former spouse should die. For the parent who retains primary custody after a divorce, a life insurance policy is a crucial safety net that can cover the costs associated with raising children, including future financial necessities like supporting them through college.

There are several ways to handle securing life insurance coverage on your former spouse. Some couples choose to make the stipulations about the policy and premiums part of the divorce decree. The court may even order the head of the household to take out a life insurance policy as part of the settlement. In cases where the court requires a spouse to maintain a life insurance policy after divorce, the coverage and duration mandated usually reflect the obligation. For example, if the life insurance is intended to cover a significant loss of income and child support for the custodial parent, the policy term will usually need to extend until the dependents are 18 or 21.

Financial Security for Children

If you carried a life insurance policy during the marriage to provide for your children in the event of a death, that need still exists. Plus, in an acrimonious divorce, things don’t always work out according to plan. If you have concerns about whether your former spouse will follow-through on making payments, take control of the life insurance policy yourself and pay the premiums to avoid any risk of coverage lapse. Even if the coverage was specified as part of your divorce decree, it may take time and significant hassle to get follow through on those stipulations enforced by the court. In the interim, you want the assurance that your policy is paid up and your coverage current.

When you’re raising children as a single parent, protecting your own income becomes doubly important after a divorce. In the event of your death, while arrangements may be made for someone you trust to care for your children, you’ll still want them to enjoy financial security through a generous life insurance benefit. The simplest way to calculate how much life insurance coverage you’ll need is to take the number of years until your child turns 18 or 21, then multiply it by your annual income. That amount is the bare minimum of insurance coverage you should be securing per child.

You can name your child as a beneficiary, but be aware that policies typically don’t pay out to a dependent under the age of majority. Instead, the court will appoint a custodian, usually the surviving parent, to supervise holding the funds in an account until your child is of age. If you don’t want your former spouse to be appointed by the court, specify a custodian as part of the policy.

A Word of Warning

If you’re still in the process of finalizing a divorce or in the beginning stages of filing for one, consult with your divorce attorney before taking any action. In most cases, assets are frozen during the process of a divorce and both parties are required to be fully transparent about any financial obligations, including insurance policies. Changing beneficiaries or coverage during divorce proceedings could raise red flags and unnecessarily prolong and complicate your settlement.

You should, however, do your research and be prepared to suggest any policy changes or premiums you want specified as part of the divorce decree. While divorce can be a painful process, it’s also an opportunity to take charge of your financial future and secure stability for both yourself and your dependents.

The post Getting Divorced? Don’t Forget about Life Insurance appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Runaway Husbands: Getting Your Life Back When Your Husband Bolts Out-of-the-Blue

Runaway Husbands: Getting Your Life Back When Your Husband Bolts Out-of-the-Blue

Wife Abandonment Syndrome is a pattern of behavior that begins when a husband leaves his wife out-of-the-blue without ever having told her that he was unhappy or thinking of leaving.

The post Runaway Husbands: Getting Your Life Back When Your Husband Bolts Out-of-the-Blue appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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