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The Only Thing Stopping You From Living Your Best Life

The Only Thing Stopping You From Living Your Best Life

 

Virtually every person wants healthy love, good health and vitality, success and rewarding feelings whilst doing their life mission and vocation.

Yet, even after dearly wanting these things and even yearning for them, why can it be a struggle to achieve them?

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I will explain to you, in real detail, exactly what is keeping you separated from the life of your dreams.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to have a conversation with you that I know could really help.

If you are new to this community, I hope with all my heart that this conversation will allow you to understand how to be able to start accessing your best life after narcissistic abuse.

If you have been a member for a while, this episode may be a powerful reminder of the truth for you.

This is about how to create the life that you were born to live. Maybe a more incredible life than what you ever believed was possible.

Okay, so just before we get started, I also want to tell you about my next upcoming Free Masterclass. This is my most powerful resource in regard to connecting you with how to live your best life, and it’s happening in just a few days’ time.

To sign up for this Quantum Healing Event click this link. 

Okay so now let’s get started …

 

How Your Life Really Unfolds

It can be difficult to initially realise how powerfully you are creating your own life. Yet, it is a vital understanding if you want to change the life that you are living.

Aligning with your best life requires these components – your thoughts to match your desires, and your Inner Being programs to match them as well.

Your heart knows what you want, and the feelings in your heart are the part of you which is most closely connected to your soul. At a deep heart/soul level, we all know our highest potential. We know what we want and who we wish to be.

In a general sense, for most people, this is healthy and fulfilling love relationships, good health, vitality and to be aligned with one’s purpose – meaning having a fulfilling vocation that contributes to the world in meaningful ways.

Yet, many people struggle to achieve such a life.

Why is this?

When our heart’s desires don’t come to fruition, it is because our soul truth, thoughts and subconscious programs aren’t aligned.

To begin to explain why, I want to share with you the understanding that you are creating your life from your emotional frequency (feelings), not from what you think. Meaning that what you feel about any topic in your life is what will be true for you, rather than what you are trying to think about it.

Also, these feelings (already pre-programmed beliefs) on any topic in your life determine how you interact with the entire Field on this topic – which is the people, situations and events in your experience related to it.

If your emotional inner composition is healthy, empowered and embodied in deservedness on this topic, then so it will be.

If your emotional inner composition is unhealthy, disempowered and struggling with related traumas on this topic, then so it will be.

It is very normal to believe that an outside force is the cause of our distress, struggles, and difficulties. Or even that a Higher Power is not allowing us to have what our heart desires, yet this is actually not the case.

I promise you this is not about blaming ourselves for not being able to obtain and retain our heart’s desires. Rather, this is a deep inner Quantum Law understanding that frees you to access and amend your inner programs that have been unfolding in your life, often unconsciously, in ways that have not been serving you.

By understanding that the generation of your creations are within you, you can take your power back, heal within and start accessing trajectories of emotions, thoughts and opportunities that you didn’t have access to previously.

Which is so much easier than trying to change the billions of other people on this planet, or the trillions of outer events and situations that are not part of you, to get a different life experience.

When I finally understood this, and stopped trying to change or negate everything and everyone else, and simply turned inwards to do the work inside of me, a whole new universe opened up.

And I know it will for you too!

 

Your Higher Power is Ready to Partner With You

Since becoming a Thriver, I know in every cell of my being that my Higher Power wants for me exactly what my heart wants for me, and it’s only my inner composition, my subconscious already programmed beliefs, that may be in disagreement with this.

I know this to be the case when something feels painful, funky or confusing for me.

This is how you will know when you have conflicted beliefs with your desires – they don’t feel clean, easy or like a “done deal”. You may even feel like your desire could never be possible for you.

And you might try really hard to think your way beyond this. Yet, it can feel unthinkable to think in ways that you can’t feel as true for you yet.

The reason is because the brain follows the body, it’s not the other way around.

I want you to think of it like this, your heart is your True Self saying “Hello” to you. Now, knowing this, your real job is to get your inner composition, meaning your subconscious beliefs, onto the same page.

Once you do, your aligned emotions and thoughts, which organically flow on from this, will provide you with the inspiration, motivation and positivity to go after and create your goals.

And when your inner composition is aligned with your heart’s desires, this is backed by all of your Higher Power (your superconscious/God/Lifeforce itself) to provide you with all of the opportunities, synchronicities, and even miracles (people, situations and events) to work with you to bring your dreams to reality.

 

Being Disconnected From Your Best Life

If your body has stored painful traumas (by association) with any topic in your life, then you are not in emotional agreement with this topic.

Let’s take for example the topic of “love”. No matter what your head is trying to think, if you have suffered trauma, disappointments and anguish in relation to love, those are exactly the associations that are formed as belief systems and stored in your subconscious programs, in regard to this topic.

The body wins every time because it is your emotional resonance that creates the reality. This is what stored subconscious programs do – they unfold the validity of the stored belief system to the letter.

For happy and healthy realities to physically manifest in your life, your belief systems (associated feelings) and real-life application (thoughts and actions) must become a direct match.

Essentially, the first vital ingredient is that your feelings must be clear, empowered, peaceful and inspired. If there are existing traumas, especially if they have been painfully impactful, then just trying to think your way into healthier belief systems is usually impossible to do.

This is because the logical part of your mind isn’t in contact with your emotional and limbic systems, where not only is your childhood programming stored, but also your continued adult trauma experiences, as well as the deeper less obvious programs of your ancestral belief systems, gender, race and collective human painful traumas as well.

 

How Do You Change Your Emotional Resonance?

If you have an understanding of Quantum Tools, and know that you can do healing work directly on your Inner Identity, you will access a simpler way to connect to your best life, rather than gruellingly trying to think your way into it.

Trying to formulate remedies for painful Inner Identity beliefs, means not releasing or reprogramming them, which equals remaining hostage to the continued and repeat trauma experiences in your life.

In relation to the thinking part of trying to change our life, a huge human tendency is to try to learn how to be different to change our Beingness.

During my Thriver Recovery, I understood something incredibly profound – I already was organically aligned to my best life, with all the resources available within me. I was also already capable of accessing everything that I required in The Field (all of life) to unfold the life of my dreams.

I didn’t have to learn how to be somebody different to get these things. Rather, I needed to unlearn the traumas, false beliefs and lies I had absorbed, to be free to become my natural Beingness.

I know that this may sound ridiculous and counterintuitive to everything you’ve ever learnt, however when you start going Quantum and are prepared to do the work directly on your inner emotional composition, the old struggles and confusion melt away, and a new clarity, power and ecological wholeness rises up from within.

Then you will see how everything that is your life will be touched powerfully and productively.

Let’s look more deeply at all this in the next section …

 

It’s The Feeling You Really Want

When I began to heal, for real, I was astounded at the irony of the following …

I’d been trying to get and do all sorts of things in order to feel okay about topics in my life, yet when I instead started working on the feeling first, and got that right, then the doing and getting followed my new aligned Beingness effortlessly.

Let me explain.

If you are trying to make the Getting and the Doing negate the feelings of empty Beingness, then you are trying to create your life with mere logical willpower.

The cognitive part of our brain has no access to The Field – the interconnected Higher Consciousness of all solution, possibility and expansion.

Logical brains are only processing information at a tiny forty bits per second. This is in stark contrast to the forty billion bits per second which our subconscious programs, our feeling centres, are generating, which are activating our Inner Identity and its connection to the entire Field.

What part of you do you think is making your life happen?

It is the part of you that is not logically conscious. What’s going on with you beneath your level of consciousness is what really matters.

Many people are dismayed that Law of Attraction principles don’t work for them. The reason they don’t is because if you have experienced significant trauma then your blocked up, fearful programs are super-glued in place.

The more impactful your traumas have been, the greater the power of these painful programs is to stunt you from living your best life.

And, the more that you try to overcome them with “positive thinking”, the more the almighty power of these programs will push back and reinstate themselves even harder. This can literally make you feel like you are going crazy!

The effective way to address these inner programs is to bypass the thinking mind, and go straight into the feeling centre of the subconscious programs and release the traumas and painful belief systems there, and then replace them with the truth of who you really are.

My Thriver methods to heal (NARP) do this very effectively, because once released from the trauma energy, you learn how to bring down your Higher Power (which wants exactly what you want for you) into the space where the trauma once was.

This shifts you immediately into a different Beingness – the ecological oneness, harmony and your highest potential on the topic that you’re working on. And you certainly don’t have to experience it physically for your Inner Identity to recognise that “it just is”.

After the Beingness is anchored inside, another grand irony occurs, you no longer “need” this thing to happen in your life in order for you to feel whole, at peace, and at one with it.

Which takes us to the next topic …

 

If You Need it Then it Will Not Come

I found in my own life, that until I shifted out the traumas and inner beliefs that were keeping me separated from what my heart desired, I was trying to fill up from the outside in order to reach a state of wholeness.

It didn’t work!

True miracle and the coming of something happens because you are already being it. The real-life experience, the confirmation, comes after the Beingness has been established.

I discovered that the most powerful manifestation of all is this: when you have the feeling of wholeness and beingness, you don’t need to get or do anything in order to feel at home with yourself and your life. From this place you are free to create joyously without attachment to outcomes and without the fear of never getting it, or losing it if you do.

This doesn’t mean that you’re never going to create! Rather you are free to create more than you ever have been able to in your entire life!

One of the most exciting things about Quantum Freedom Healing is that the inspiration and the ability to be more and create more, just organically comes.

All we need to do to create this, is to keep focusing on any dense emotional energy in our body, release it and bring in our Higher Power to replace it, which is exactly what the process of Quanta Freedom Healing does.

In my previous “Law of Attraction Life” I was forever trying to visualise and hold the vision and keep the thoughts of what I wanted in my life going. I always had to be at it and would work on it often. I was forever trying to catch my thoughts and feelings if they went off track.

Yet now, because I simply release trauma on any topic in my life that is not working out for me, my Beingness is organically changing. I don’t have to keep working on my alignment. It just is!

Now there is nothing to keep monitoring and trying to manage or hold. I simply Become and then it comes! That is what be-come really means!

I love living free of neediness, and continually putting in the effort to try to feel whole. It’s just much easier to focus on releasing trauma to become whole, solid and peaceful inside.

 

What is Stopping You From Having the Life You Really Want?

I hope that you can truly understand that the only thing between you and your heart’s desires are your internal blocks and limiting beliefs (traumas).

But the great news is, that we now have the Quantum Tools to address this!

My Thriver Healing methods are completely focused on bypassing your logical mind, and going straight into your Inner Identity to reach, load up and release the traumas and opposing beliefs that have been holding you separated from the life of your dreams.

This is why I am beyond excited to invite you into my next Free Masterclass www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass so that you can learn exactly how to release your blocks, and come into alignment with the life that you were born to live. The one that your soul is speaking to you about.

You can do this by clicking this link.

Please also share this video with people who you know are not living to their fullest potential and dearly want to.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Self-Partnering Is The Key To Living An Abuse-Free Life

Self-Partnering Is The Key To Living An Abuse-Free Life

 

Self-partnering is more than escaping the pain of being single or being overly independent and forgoing relationships in order to be an island to yourself.

Being self-partnered is an essential key to achieving a healthy relationship with self, life, and others.

Self-partnering is hugely important for everyone, to be safe and healthy in their own body, able to live free of abuse and abusive patterns, and truly generate the life and love that they were born to live.

 

Video Transcript

There is a big buzz around the world about the term self-partnering at the moment. You may have heard that Emma Watson came out and talked about how happy she is as a single person being self-partnered.

I also just did an interview for Elle Magazine about this term.

I am thrilled about this, knowing that more people are starting to understand self-partnering and explore how personally gratifying and healthy it really is.

Self-partnering is hugely important for everyone, to be safe and healthy in your own body, able to live free of abuse and abusive patterns, and truly generate the life and love that you were born to live.

In this Thriver TV episode I’m going to explain to you exactly why self-partnering is so vital for you to understand, as a member of this community.

But before we dive into this vital information today, I want to say thank you to all of you who have subscribed to my channel, for supporting the Thriver mission and I’d like to remind you that if you haven’t yet done so, please do. And also make sure that if you enjoy this video that you give it a thumbs up.

Okay so on to this episode…

 

How We Were All Taught Not To Self-Partner

Our world, communities, and forebears taught us the very opposite of self-partnering. The messages we received were that certain emotions that we experience are unpalatable and we were supposed to try to avoid them and shut them down, at all costs.

In times of emotional distress, which is always a signal to turn inwards and understand and heal something within, we were taught to do the exact opposite.

What we have instead done in times of emotional distress is try to numb out – self-medicating by grabbing somebody or something else to try to fix how we feel. Or project our inner pain onto someone or something else as a way of trying to get relief from it.

None of these things have proven helpful or healthy. In fact, they are just as disastrous as it would be to ignore a leaking roof and think that our possessions and furniture aren’t going to get wet, or our motor car’s grinding engine and think we can just continue driving it.

Self-partnering is the act of coming together with our true Inner Being and being able to process our emotions towards our own healthy self-integration. Self-avoiding, self-medicating and self-abandoning doesn’t allow us to integrate with ourselves. Rather it further creates disintegration with our Inner Being, which is the core of how our entire life goes.

 

Self-Separation Is A Match To Narcissists

If we are not self-partnered, we are as susceptible to abusers as an injured gazelle on the edge of a pack is to a predator. We aren’t solid, empowered and whole. Because we haven’t processed our inner fractures – our painful beliefs, traumas and emotions to wholeness, we are susceptible to an abuser coming into our life pretending to be the saviour of the broken parts of ourselves.

This is what narcissists are famous for and skilled at doing – picking off people who are not self-partnered, as supply and food.

And if we are not self-partnered, we will cling to these people trying to force them to partner us healthily when they don’t have the resources to do that. And if we do find and connect with healthy partners, then there is enormous pressure that we can place on them trying to fulfill our emotional requirements for us, instead of allowing space in the relationship to breathe, so that it can be whole and healthy.

Not being self-partnered truly is the definition of co-dependency – the requirement of somebody outside of ourselves to give us ourselves, rather than turning inwards and healing ourselves to wholeness.

Make no mistake, narcissists are also desperately co-dependent. They require people to feed on to get significance and narcissistic supply in order to avoid the pain of their self-annihilating and severely damaged Inner Being.

The Myths About Self-Partnering

People may think that being self-partnered means that you’ll be an island to yourself and that you won’t need anybody else in your life.

This is a complete fallacy, but I understand it because I used to believe it myself.

I promise you with all my heart that if you are doing the essential work to become self-partnered, in your own body, on this planet, it will mean that your relationships will improve in unprecedented ways.

The reason is that as a whole, healthy person you have done the vital inner work on yourself to release trauma and come home to yourself. This means that you show up in completely and different ways that are vastly more healthy than what you used to.

What you will discover is that the negative self-talk melts away and all of the resentment, regret, and anger of your past melts away. Profound gratitude, joy, and excitement for your life begins, and this is regardless of what you have been through or suffered in your personal history.

You won’t be needy of approval. This is because you have become a source of love and approval to yourself. Now you can take your time to get to know people, and your energy isn’t frantic or desperate around them.

It also means that when things start to feel unsavoury or not quite right, you can have difficult conversations and lay boundaries to see if people have the resources to step up and meet you at a healthy, safe level of relationship or not.

And if they don’t, you will no longer cling like a person on the edge of a sinking boat, thinking that this person is required for you to feel safe and whole.

You already are safe and whole.

What you will also discover is that the people who do come into your life will start to reflect more of your inner self-partnered wholeness.

So within, so without, like attracts like. We are in a completely vibrational universe whereby the people and situations that do come into our life are the perfect matches for the state of our Inner Being.

When we do the integral work on our Inner Being, we discover resources and people that will genuinely support and integrate with us in healthy ways, come into view. We start being attracted to these situations and people, whereas before, they were invisible to us.

And we lose the attraction toward the people and situations that were the previous representations of our inner broken parts.

My experience with being self-partnered is the manifestation of beautiful and joyful relationships. I have been able to be a lot more honest in my relationships. I am more particular in my relationships. I have met and connected with the most incredible people who have beautiful souls and hearts as a self-partnered person. I experience deep intimate relationships at a level of honesty, trust and kindness that is a far cry from my previous battles with wounded people whilst I was trying to survive my own wounds.

I am so excited about people understanding that self-partnering is the foundation for all relationships that you will have in life.

 

Self-Partnering, The Path To Self-Love

Of course, we were brought up to try to get love outside of ourselves, because we thought that the only way that we could BE love, was to GET love.

We didn’t realise that we already are pure love when we turn inwards with self-devotion, compassion and kindness, rather than the self-annihilating criticisms and conditional love that we believed were necessary to try to force ourselves into shape to somehow deserve love.

This is what I love so much about the Thriver processes to heal – by turning inwards, meeting our Inner Being with the intention to heal ourselves to wholeness, and with the use of profound Quantum tools, we can load up our traumas, release them and bring in Source to replace them. This is the love of our higher power, our higher self and our superconscious, which is us. It Is Who We Really Are. These forces are also our highest and best integration with life and others.

I know with my previous internal traumas I was always struggling and battling to try to find the way to love myself. I would go to seminars and I would read books and I would do affirmations and all sorts of spiritual practices daily, yet all of these things were simply processes that I was trying to do in my mind in order to teach myself to love myself.

When we self-partner and meet and be with our Inner Being unconditionally, with the full intention to excavate and release all the false beliefs, traumas and lies we have been told, and keep bringing in who We Really Are, then we know the truth. Self-love is not something that we learn, and it’s not something that is meant to take a lot of effort to keep reinforcing and remembering.

We can’t ‘do’ self-love. Self-love is who we are and our organic beingness when we lose the traumas and false beliefs that have disconnected us from our essential being.

When coming back to our True Self, as self-loving people, a huge shift occurs. We gravitate to accept and generate life with healthy resources and people. We stop trying to turn crumbs into cookies, because we feel so empty and alone. Part of our organic shift into self-partnering is realising that in our coded DNA, when we remember who we truly are, we know that we are never separated from the whole.

At the subatomic level we now know scientifically that everything and everyone is interconnected as one, there is no separation.

When we experience this as a coded knowing, as an emotion deep within our Inner Being that just is, we are no longer out of the fold, trying to do whatever it takes to be loved and accepted. This, sadly, has made us highly susceptible to abusers, as well as staying with them even when the abuse is horrific.

Our old model of life contained false beliefs such as it is narcissistic and wrong to focus attention and healing on yourself to become love because it is self-absorbed. This has caused broken people to keep choosing and participating in broken relationships, as well as hurting themselves and others.

We thought that it was loving to self-sacrifice and to hurt ourselves in the pursuit of helping and loving others. Nothing could be further from the truth. If we don’t love ourselves there is an impossibility to generate loving relationships with others, and to inspire others to create a life with you that is loving.

If you agree, I want you to pause this video and write below, ‘I’m going to self-partner so that I can start loving myself and then others more healthily!’

 

What Is Self-Partnering?

To put it simply, self-partnering is the BEING with ourselves (our emotions) unconditionally … warts and all.

Then, from there, the deeper even more evolutionary way to self-partner is to make it your greatest mission to free yourself by unlearning all the lies and false beliefs that you have been taught. You can do this by shifting out your trauma, so as to burst forth into the being you truly are – someone who has the experience of life and love going right.

Here are some statements to determine whether you are self-partnered yet.

You:

 Love spending time with yourself.
 Are capable of fun and enjoyment on your own.
 Are extended and radiant in life.
 Are your own greatest supporter.
 Speak to yourself lovingly.
 Validate and are with your own feelings in times of need.
 Dedicate time to being with and working on yourself.
 Step up and are your own soother and healer when necessary.
 Are your own best friend, companion and lover.
 Make devotion to your Inner Being a high priority.

None of these states are possible if you are not prepared to self-partner.

In stark contrast you will:

 Dislike spending time alone.
 Not feel joyful when alone.
 Feel scared to connect to and be out in life.
 Demand more of yourself.
 Criticise and shame yourself.
Seek self-medication choices to avoid painful feelings.
 Seek outer stimulation and people to try to feel better.
 Self-abandon in times of emotional distress.
 Be your own worst enemy.
 Dismiss and not take care of your own wellbeing.
Connect to abusive people trying to force them to love you.

I really hope that this Thriver TV episode has inspired you to understand exactly why self-partnering is not just a preferable thing to do, it’s the only thing to do to start generating the life of your dreams.

If it’s your time to become self-partnered then join me, I will show you exactly how to do it by clicking this link.

And if you enjoy this video and you would like to see more, please subscribe to my channel so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And please remember to give this video a thumbs up if you liked it and share it with people that you know it can help.

And as always I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Living With Your Spouse During Divorce: 5 Tips to Help You Remain Sane

Living With Your Spouse During Divorce: 5 Tips to Help You Remain Sane

If you choose to live together during divorce, you should keep in mind how doing so might affect the outcome of your divorce case.

The post Living With Your Spouse During Divorce: 5 Tips to Help You Remain Sane appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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living with your spouse during divorce

5 Tips To Help You Remain Sane While Living With Your Spouse During Divorce

living with your spouse during divorce

 

Some state laws require that two spouses live apart for a certain period of time if they want to file a no-fault divorce. In other states, however, you have the choice of whether one spouse moves out of the house or whether you continue living together as you wait for the divorce to be final.

If you choose to keep living together, you should keep certain things in mind that can help make the divorce process easier.

Should You be Living With Your Spouse During Divorce?

This is a highly personal consideration, and everyone should consider whether living under the same roof as her soon-to-be ex-spouse is right for her. First and foremost, if you have experienced domestic violence or believe you are at risk of harm by your spouse, you should ensure your safety first. You can leave, or you might be able to obtain a protective order that orders your spouse to leave the house and stay away from you.

If domestic violence is not an issue, you could save money by continuing to have only one housing payment, a set of utility bills, groceries, and more. By saving money now, you might be in a better position following your divorce.

In addition, if you and your spouse own a home together, you might not want to leave the home during the divorce. If you leave, it can be quite difficult to get back in and get property rights to the home following the divorce. Additionally, if you have children, both parents continuing to live together can provide support and stability, as well as help set the stage for healthy co-parenting following the divorce.

5 Tips To Help You Remain Sane While Living With Your Spouse During Divorce

Even though there are reasons why you and your spouse are getting divorced, it is important to set those reasons aside as much as possible if you decide to keep living under the same roof. You should always make an effort to do the following:

Never put the kids in the middle – When spouses argue, it can be all too easy to bring the children into the conflict or say bad things about the other parent to your children. Not only is this unhealthy for the kids, but it also can affect your custody determination. Courts want to know that parents sharing custody will encourage a healthy relationship with the other parent (when possible) and that parents will work together for the best interests of the child. Striving to get along and keeping your kids out of any conflict can only help the custody portion of your divorce case.

Work together with finances – Since you are theoretically saving money by continuing to share a home, you should try to make the smartest financial decisions to maximize the benefits of living together. Decide whether you will pay bills from a joint bank account or split the bills from each of your individual accounts. Remember that now is not the time for big purchases or vacations – no matter how much you might want to get away. Your assets and debts are still part of your marital estate, and wasting those assets or accruing new debts can cause complications for you in the divorce case.

Keep it civil – Spouses who are in the middle of divorce generally have many differences of opinion. However, constant disagreements and fighting can only make the divorce more stressful – or even more expensive. When spouses are civil, they can often agree on the major issues in their cases without court intervention. Doing so often saves significant money and time, as litigation is a costly last resort in a divorce case. If you are constantly fighting, your spouse may decide to cause complications in the divorce and refuse to cooperate, which can lead you right into court.

Give each other space – If you have come to the decision to end your marriage and see little hope for reconciliation, it is only natural that you and your spouse will start to drift apart – even if you are living under the same roof while the divorce is pending. It is not a bad idea to move into separate rooms if you haven’t done so already. In addition, you should cultivate a life outside of your marriage and encourage your spouse to do the same. If your marriage is truly over, you need to let go of expectations of how much time you spend together or what night of the week is “date night.”

Don’t Be Afraid to Move Out – If it becomes clear in a few weeks or months into your attempt to live together that it’s not going to work, do not be afraid of throwing in the towel and moving out (or asking your husband to move out, if that makes more sense). There is no point in making yourselves miserable for another few months while you wait for your divorce to be final.

Many people decide to live together while they get divorced, and there is no right or wrong decision in this situation. If you choose to live together, you should keep in mind how doing so might affect the outcome of your divorce case.

The post 5 Tips To Help You Remain Sane While Living With Your Spouse During Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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15 Books Perfect For Children Living With Abusive Parents

Parents often ask me for resources to help them support their children who are living with an abusive parent.  It can be such a difficult topic to explain as there are so many emotions involved.

I have therefore compiled this list, with the help of many of my clients, to offer you some guidance and words on how to best support the child.

It is broken down into age categories for ease but remember that a child’s physical age is not necessarily their emotional age so be mindful of where that child is at in terms of their own understanding.

Children aged 0 – 6

At this age children are learning that their behaviour effects the world around them and these early experiences form a blueprint for how they see their world. They may blame themselves for arguments and will be asking things like “why does mummy hate daddy?” or “what did I do wrong?”  Children will also begin to assert themselves in play and this can be aggressive.

Boys can “fall in love” with their mothers and girls with their fathers and so this stages forms a blueprint for relationships and how they view the opposite sex. Abusive parents can distort a child’s view of what the role of a mummy/daddy and man/woman is.

Therefore the books in this list focus on helping children to manage their emotions and understand anger better.

The Feelings Book by Todd Parr

Abusive parenting can result in emotions becoming very scary and distorted. The child may witness a parent happy one minute, angry the next with no trigger.  They won’t know what changed and so can be confused by not just their own emotions but also their parents.

Many children with abusive parents can also take ownership of their parent’s emotions and express them as their own.  Saying “I’m sad” or “I’m scared” but smiling and laughing.

This books helps children to identify what they are feeling on a range of subjects.

How are you feeling today Baby Bear By Jane Evans

Children who grow up in abusive homes often feel they did something wrong to cause the argument.  They regularly feel afraid, lonely, angry and tired.

This sensitive, charming storybook is written to help children who have lived with violence at home to begin to explore and name their feelings.

Kit Kitten and the Topsy Turvy Feelings by Jane Evans

Once upon a time there was a little kitten called Kit who lived with a grown-up cat called Kizz Cat. Kit Kitten couldn’t understand why sometimes Kizz Cat seemed sad and faraway and others times was busy and rushing about. Kit Kitten was sometimes cold and confused in this topsy turvy world and needed help to find ways to tell others about the big, medium and small feelings which were stuck inside. Luckily for Kit, Kindly Cat came along. Many children live in homes where things are chaotic and parents or carers are distracted and emotionally unavailable to them.

This storybook, designed for children aged 2 to 6, includes feelings based activities to build a child’s emotional awareness and vocabulary. A helpful tool for use by parents, carers, social workers and other professionals to enable young children to begin to name and talk about their feelings.

Two Homes by Claire Masurel

In this award-winning picture book classic about divorce, Alex has two homes – a home where Daddy lives and a home where Mummy lives. Alex has two front doors, two bedrooms and two very different favourite chairs. He has a toothbrush at Mummy’s and a toothbrush at Daddy’s. But whether Alex is with Mummy or Daddy, one thing stays the same: Alex is loved by them both – always.

This gently reassuring story focuses on what is gained rather than what is lost when parents divorce, while the sensitive illustrations, depicting two unique homes in all their small details, firmly establish Alex’s place in both of them. Two Homes will help children – and parents – embrace even the most difficult of changes with an open and optimistic heart.

Although not specifically centred upon parental mental health, divorce is an unsettling time for both parents and children and so this book may help ease the worry of how to explain what is happening to a child.

Grow Happy by Jon Lasser

“My name is Kiko. I’m a gardener. I grow happy. Let me show you how.” Kiko shows the reader how she grows happiness: by making good choices, taking care of her body and mind, paying attention to her feelings, problem solving, and spending time with family and friends. Kids will learn that they can play a pivotal role in creating their own happiness, just like Kiko. A Note to Parents and Other Caregivers provides more strategies for helping children learn how to grow happiness. Age range 4-8.

Anger is Okay, Violence is Not by Julie K Federico

Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT belongs on the desk of every child protective services case worker. This book has a hidden message for children who are living with violence and struggling with a domestic violence definition. This book is also a great resource for toddler’s struggling with temper tantrums. The book offers replacement behaviors children can do instead of getting angry. Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT teaches children about fish, feelings, families and anger control.

A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret Holmes

Sherman Smith saw the most terrible thing happen. At first he tried to forget about it, but soon something inside him started to bother him. He felt nervous for no reason. Sometimes his stomach hurt. He had bad dreams. And he started to feel angry and do mean things, which got him in trouble. Then he met Ms. Maple, who helped him talk about the terrible thing that he had tried to forget. Now Sherman is feeling much better.

This gently told and tenderly illustrated story is for children who have witnessed any kind of violent or traumatic episode, including physical abuse, school or gang violence, accidents, homicide, suicide, and natural disasters such as floods or fire. An afterword written for parents and other caregivers offers extensive suggestions for helping traumatized children, including a list of other sources that focus on specific events.

Children aged 7 – 13 years

At this age, children are asking more questions and starting to understand right from wrong. This can be especially hard when they are being taught bullying and violence is wrong but witness this at home. It can be really difficult for them to process and they will struggle with their own identity as well as feeling alienated from others. They will begin to identify with their own gender and so can align themselves with the abusive parent of the same sex. They are also learning consequences and to push boundaries. Abusive parents can either have to strict or too lapse boundaries and so children struggle to feel safe. This can lead to them withdrawing or lashing out.

The books in this age bracket are therefore focused on developing their identity and managing behaviours.

Lizzy Lives In An Angry House: Learning to Thrive In the Midst of an Angry Environment by Karen Addison MSPH

Karen Addison, educator, author and speaker, has witnessed and experienced the devastating effects of emotional and verbal abuse. Many have not addressed this form of destruction in relationships because it is difficult to talk about and difficult to understand. Often people don’t realize they are in emotionally destructive relationships, and this is especially true of children. If they are living in a home where a parent is “scary angry” and emotionally destructive, chances are the other parent is struggling to cope with that person, as well as the negative dynamics in the home. With wisdom and practical experience, Addison gives readers young and old alike an empathetic approach to recognising emotionally destructive (scary angry) relationships and tools to help those living in “scary angry” homes overcome and break the cycle of abuse

The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig

Meet Brian, the invisible boy. Nobody ever seems to notice him or think to include him in their group, game, or birthday party . . . until, that is, a new kid comes to class.

When Justin, the new boy, arrives, Brian is the first to make him feel welcome. And when Brian and Justin team up to work on a class project together, Brian finds a way to shine.

From esteemed author and speaker Trudy Ludwig and acclaimed illustrator Patrice Barton, this gentle story shows how small acts of kindness can help children feel included and allow them to flourish. Any parent, teacher, or counselor looking for material that sensitively addresses the needs of quieter children will find The Invisible Boy a valuable and important resource.

Includes backmatter with discussion questions and resources for further reading.

Angryman by Gro Dahle

There’s someone in the living room.

It’s Dad.

It is Angryman.

Boj’s father can be very angry and violent. Boj calls this side of his father’s personality “Angryman.” When Angryman comes no one is safe. Until something powerful happens…

Gro Dahle’s astute text and Svein Nyhus’s bold, evocative art capture the full range of emotions that descend upon a small family as they grapple with “Angryman.” With an important message to children who experience the same things as Boj: You are not alone. It’s not your fault. You must tell someone you trust. It doesn’t have to be this way!

Somebody Cares: a Guide for Kids Who Have Experienced Neglect by Susan Farber Straus

Somebody Cares explores the feelings and thoughts many kids have when they’ve had to look out for themselves or be alone much of the time. A useful book to read with a caring adult — such as a parent, foster parent, kinship parent, or therapist — Somebody Cares reassures children who have experienced neglect that they are not to blame for what happened in their family, and that they can feel good about themselves for many reasons. It takes time for kids to get used to changes in their family or living situation, even when they are good changes. This book will help kids learn some ways to feel safer, more relaxed, and more confident.

Teenagers

Teenagers are going through their own internal battle with hormone changes as well as having to make some life choices with regards to career. They often regress to toddler behaviour due to this pressure. For children with abusive parents the control between their own family and their friends can cause real confusion and disappointment or anger. They may, due to hormonal issues, start to lash out more and this can terrify them because they recognise themselves in their abusive parent. Equally they may see a passive parent and feel anger towards them for not doing anything. There may also be a physical risk to the child at this age as they talk back.

Children at this age will have a strong sense or morality though and so are more likely to want to speak out to others about the injustice they feel at home and perhaps even run away or move out as soon as they are old enough.

Therefore books for this age group are around managing their own emotions and feeling safe to speak up and gain some understanding about what is happening in their family.

Don’t let your emotions run your life by Sheri van Dijk

Let’s face it: life gives you plenty of reasons to get angry, sad, scared, and frustrated&mdashand those feelings are okay. But sometimes it can feel like your emotions are taking over, spinning out of control with a mind of their own. To make matters worse, these overwhelming emotions might be interfering with school, causing trouble in your relationships, and preventing you from living a happier life.

Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens is a workbook that can help. In this book, you’ll find new ways of managing your feelings so that you’ll be ready to handle anything life sends your way. Based in dialectical behavior therapy, a type of therapy designed to help people who have a hard time handling their intense emotions, this workbook helps you learn the skills you need to ride the ups and downs of life with grace and confidence.

This book offers easy techniques to help you: Stay calm and mindful in difficult situations, Effectively manage out-of-control emotions, Reduce the pain of intense emotions and Get along with family and friends

My Anxious Mind: A Teen’s Guide to Managing Anxiety and Panic by Michael A. Tompkins, Ph.D., and Katherine A. Martinez, Psy.D

Learn strategies to help you take control of your anxiety. The authors share information about breathing, thinking, facing fears, panic attacks, nutrition, sleep, exercise, medication, and how to tell if and when anxiety is a problem.

The Truth about Love, Dating and Just Being Friends by Chat Eastham

Chad shines some much-needed light on these major issues for teens. Rather than let their feelings navigate them blindly through their tumultuous adolescence, Chad offers clarity, some surprising revelations, and answers to some of their biggest questions: How do I know who to date?  When should I start dating? How should I start dating? Is this really love? And, Why do guys I like just want to be friends?

Packed with humor that adds to the sound advice, this book will help teens make better decisions, have healthier relationships, and be more prepared for their futures. Just a few things girls will learn include: Five things you need to know about love; Eight dumb dating things even smart people do; Ten reasons why teens are unhappy; and Ten things happy teens do.

Any teen can live a happier, healthier life: they just need to hear The Truth

Forged By Fire by Sharon M Draper

Will Gerald find the courage to stand up to his stepfather? 

When his loving aunt dies, Gerald suddenly is thrust into a new home filled with anger and abuse. A brutal stepfather with a flaming temper and an evil secret makes Gerald miserable, and the only light in his grim life is Angel, his young stepsister. Gerald and Angel grow close as he strives to protect her from Jordan, his abusive stepfather, and from their substance-addicted mother. But Gerald learns, painfully, that his post can’t be extinguished, and that he must be strong enough to face Jordan in a final confrontation, once and for all…. 

This list is not exhaustive

I have just compiled some that I think resonate with my audience but please do your own research. You know what your child is ready for. Also remember that the ages are not cut off points and so be mindful of your own child’s capacity and choose the ones which best suit by the content, not the age.

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Living With Your Ex: An Increasingly Common Scenario

Living With Your Ex: An Increasingly Common Scenario

It’s not easy living with your ex after a breakup. Here are some ways to create space and boundaries when dealing with this less than desirable situation.

The post Living With Your Ex: An Increasingly Common Scenario appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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