Posts

love after divorce

Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Love

love after divorce

 

Dear past, thanks for all the lessons. Dear future, I’m ready!

Love

Love. Hmmm. I thought I knew what that was. I really did. I come from the school of unconditional love. I saw it every day of my life growing up. I saw it with my parents. I saw it with how my siblings, and I would fight and somehow turn around ten minutes later and then go get ice cream.

When my husband cheated on me the first time, I thought my forgiveness was my example of my unconditional love for him. It was. But what I didn’t realize was that it was not an example of my unconditional love for myself. Sometimes you must love yourself more than anyone in the equation in order to survive.

So, when it happened again, as is always predicted…I had to confront him. When I found out about his infidelity again, I had to love myself enough to let him go. Twenty years is a very long time to think about this emotion and this word.

My husband and I were married with two priests on the altar.

One who was the main officiant, was my cousin. The other was at one time my father’s teacher at Loyola. He was a wise man and a confidant to me. I loved him like a grandfather. I have thought about the Bible passages he selected. I think it was his way of telling me he had doubts. This is the passage.

“Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27

 

I never would have suspected that this would be the most prophetic line of my life. It appears…in the end, we were indeed a house built on sand.

And now that I have spent the past twenty years examining my own role in the demise of my house built on this shaky ground, I want to make sure that I never experience this again. But I never want my natural ability of unconditional love of myself and someone else to be stifled, dismissed or minimized.

I have indeed given up the opportunity to be loved by someone in order to ensure that my children knew they were my priority.

This was a choice I made with my eyes wide open. It seems apropos since I lived inside of a marriage with my eyes wide shut.

But until my children are on their roads and have established themselves into their careers and lives, only then will I truly know the full weight of that unconditional love I chose to exercise.

But thank you Fr. Houle. I appreciate your wisdom and perhaps perception that I needed to pay attention to what my house was about to be built on. I promise that if I am ever presented with the opportunity to love and be loved again, I will find the sturdiest rock and build a new foundation for a happy life.

I still see it for myself one day. I hope you are watching for that with me. I intend on living my life with grace and no longer grief. And I look forward to one day reacquainting myself with a love that is on my terms.

The post Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Love appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

weight loss

Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Weight

weight loss

 

Want to lose weight fast? Lose your other half! The rest will fall off.

The Divorce Diet

Weight

When I suddenly found myself a single mother with the prospect of divorce in front of me, along with a plethora of responsibilities piled on top of me, weeks after giving birth to our second child, I found that food and I no longer worked. I was so busy nourishing my baby and toddler that I forgot to nourish me too.

I was just too tired. I was normally around 135 pounds pre-pregnancy. In what seemed like days, even minutes after his departure when the reality of what I was facing set in, I found myself squarely at around 102 pounds and dropping.

My nerves were a frayed mess that resembled a well-worn rug that had hundreds of miles of foot traffic pounded into it. I had just had a C-section and a tubal ligation afterward, so I was really worn out and unwell.

Emotional shock can do a number on you.

But emotional shock under the auspices of a marital breakup that included infidelity, combined with post childbirth can throw you into a space you never knew existed.

But worst of all you are coping with a broken heart as well. This sadly has taken me decades to recover from. Overnight I lost all appetite for food of any kind. They say that a divorce diet is the fastest and most effective one on the planet and would put Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig to shame.

I am here to tell you that it was fast and furious all right! It was too fast though. My body had spent the previous nine months adapting and re-adapting as the baby grew and pushed on every organ in me. Then after giving birth, your body readjusts again like air being let out of a balloon.

But when you are faced with a trauma like I was, it takes a toll on your body with a vengeance. What you should be doing is nourishing yourself to cope with the breastfeeding and sleep deprivation as you slowly find your way back to a normal size.

But in my case, because he left in the middle of building our home, and after just having a baby and dealing with these two very big life changes, my appetite altogether disappeared, and I found that worry and stress was my meal of choice.

But then…I also discovered Peanut M&M’s.

Oh sure, I had eaten peanut M&M’s many times in my life. But this was a rediscovery and these beautiful little candies became the vice I so desperately needed. I was literally being nourished on peanut M&Ms! They were one of the only foods that stayed down. And yet, I kept losing weight.

I was literally a size 3 by the time my baby was 3 months old. I was 39 when I had her. The years went by and my new normal was being introduced to me as I watched my baby and toddler grow to where they are today, 20 and 24. I can see that I put my body through a lot over the years. Age has much to do with it no doubt.

Weeks after I had begun divorce proceedings and sold our family home and purchased a new one, I received a call from my work telling me that they were closing the Southern California office and that I would have to relocate to Northern California if I wanted to stay employed with them.

I was in the beginnings of divorce proceedings and child custody and my ex-husband would not approve of my moving the children away. So along with all that I had already endured, I found myself looking for a new job.

Happily, and because I have a good reputation in my industry, I received a call rather shortly asking me if I would be willing to interview for a company that had a remote office location near my home. I immediately said yes.

I was in no position to say no to anyone or anything.

I had just bought a house and I had a family raise. I interviewed and took the job. And all through this new phase, I started my nibbling on junk food to calm my nerves. Up and down my weight went through the chapters of our family.

My go to is always something sweet and when I feel the nerves of my bank balance dropping due to the cost of raising my family; not to mention the ever-present mortgage…I nibbled away.

This included then and still includes now, school tuitions, cars, cell phones, food, clothes and everything else that goes with this journey as you help your kids put one foot at a time on the road to their respective adult lives.

And now, I am 60. And that is hard to imagine. I have sacrificed so much of myself as the sole provider. The funny thing is that most of my friends and family are either currently or planning to retire. My accountant laughed when I asked him when he thought I could retire. He said, “My dear woman, you will need to work until at least 75. I’m so sorry. But you are so young at heart anyway. That shouldn’t be too hard.”

So, with the knowledge of this and with each moment that I am faced with the stresses of my responsibilities, there is always a bag of peanut M&M’s nearby to help me cope.

The post Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Weight appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

money and divorce

Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Money

money and divorce

 

Money, weight, love. Good or bad, these have been the beacons for me the past 20 years that I have been a single mother. I have literally been obsessed with these three words for as long as I have been bestowed the title of “single mom”.

I know that sounds strange too. Why would those three words have anything to do with “divorce” or “single parenting”. For me… they have everything to do with it. Because these three words became a measured part of my journey as I changed identities from wife to mother to new mother to single parent and now to 60.

Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.

Bob Marley

Money

Money. Oh, how I love/hate that word. When my ex-husband left my children and I, we were in the middle of building a home. I had just had a baby. Overnight I was faced with the rent on the apartment we were living in while the house was being built, the payments to the contractors, the original mortgage we were still paying, the Nanny, the pre-school, all the bills and ultimately a lawyer! I was prepared for none of this.

I only knew how to be married where we equally supported our family. Our life. I stood in frozen silence as it all came at me. When divorce knocked on my front door, I opened it and the first words it said to me was, “Hello, I am divorced and you are about to start living financially stressed from this day forward. Have a wonderful life!”

Within what felt like minutes, I felt like I was standing at the base of the Hoover Dam and ping by ping by ping, holes started appearing in the Dam.

Water started to seep through and one by one the streams began to intensify and suddenly cracks began to appear, and the water would come flooding down on me.

All the financial responsibility came flooding down on me too. I was submerged, gasping for air as I popped up only to be pushed down repeatedly. That’s how it felt for me to be the catcher to everyone who had their hand out waiting for a check. My husband just left me to carry it all. It was cruelty I would never have known in him or ever seen before.

I have always lived my life with a certain knowing that my life, whether long or short, would be one well-lived. One filled with opportunity and prosperity. I was raised to believe this, and I just have always felt this. An unshakable knowing because I saw myself living this way. Nothing in my life post July 29, 1999, the day my husband left or what I call, “T Day”, meaning: Transformation Day”, would have supported that notion.

But I just felt it in my soul. Yes, I was faced with all of that and more. My faith and belief in myself were challenged, but it was also what pulled me through. I saw better things for my family and me. I was able to wade through all the people who had their hands out. I was able to finish building and paying for the house.

I was able to move my little family into it, enjoying the fruits of my labor for a year or so, only to ultimately sell it and split the profits with the man who fled the project. I was able to buy a home. My home; in my name only.

I have achieved many of the visions I saw for myself and my family, yes.

Visions of opportunity and prosperity always being the gasoline in my engine. But it came at a high cost. It would. We live in Los Angeles, one of the most expensive cities in the nation. And though I still carried all the responsibility of raising a family, I still believed that anything was possible. I had to.

Money remains central to my nervous system today as my children are now 20 and 24. Every day is still a struggle to keep it all afloat. My role now as their parent is to help them take their first step onto the road of adulthood.

Maybe by my example of staying true to my inner knowing’s, they will not join the ranks of men and women living inauthentic lives who also flee their families and responsibilities.

Maybe, just maybe they will listen to their own inner callings and live a good life. Wouldn’t that be swell? I am seeing it already in them, and it makes me smile. For all the good and the bad, the feast and the famine that they have experienced with me, my hope is that they will take the sum of all these experiences and weave them into their own fabric of life.

I hope they use it all for the good of life and treat people with a sense of humility and compassion. Because even though on the outside we looked like the family who had the house, the cars, the nice schools…it all came at a high price. And that price was me. Because none of it was ordered with the thought that one single woman would pay for it all.

And so, I continue to do my best to try to live my life well within that certain knowing that my life, whether long or short, will be one well-lived. And money? Well, we are still getting to know how to co-exist harmoniously.

The post Money, Weight, Love: Let’s Talk About Money appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

love the next time around

Love the Next Time Around: 5 Questions To Help Find “The One”

love the next time around

 

Many of us want to find delicious, deep love after divorce but it’s hard to know when you are truly ready to really find the “right one”.  Dating after divorce can be weird and awkward. Most likely it’s been a very long time since you’ve been on a first date and dating as an adult, especially as a parent, can raise all sorts of fears and insecurities.

All of that fear and anxiety could cause you to jump on the first train heading to your station (so to speak), but I want you to find long-lasting love.  Unless you just want to play around in the shallow end for a while, in which case, see you next week.

But, if you happen to be one of my lovely readers that might be thinking of dipping a toe into the dating pool for the purpose of finding a meaningful relationship, let me suggest 5 questions to ask yourself to figure out if you are truly ready to find YOUR “right one” (and how to know when it’s okay to throw someone else’s “right one” back in to the pond)…

1. HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR EX? I can’t tell you how many really nice guys I dated after my divorce that spent the entire date talking about their ex-wife. This is a huge red flag that someone is not ready to find deep love with a new person. You may want companionship, you may want affection, but if you are still talking about your ex on a daily basis, you probably aren’t disconnected enough from your former marriage to form the kind of attachment that will lead to long-lasting, deeply connected love.

2. ARE YOU LISTENING? If you are overly eager to find a reason to like a person, you might not actually be hearing what they are saying. Maybe you are listening for magic words (Did he say he hikes? I love hiking? We’re soul mates!) but you miss out on the big picture (He said he hikes with his buddies on a guys’ trip every year – that’s very different from wanting to hike with you on romantic weekends, and it could leave you feeling left out or hurt down the road).

Take a step back from constantly searching for common interests and really listen to what your date is saying. Remember that you don’t have to pick your next mate on the first date, consider the first few dates a learning experience – not a compatibility test.

3. ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED? If you want to find love that is truly satisfying and will make you happy, you have to be willing to speak up when you need something. I always wanted to meet somewhere for just a drink on the first date because I knew that if someone said something really offensive or I was just not attracted to the person that I didn’t want to sit miserably through a whole meal.

I broke my own rule a few times, either because I didn’t have the courage to express my feelings about first dates or because my date overruled my concerns – it never went well. If you don’t feel comfortable enough with this person to state what you need, or if the person asking for a date isn’t willing to adjust for your concerns, then either you aren’t ready or this person might not be your “right one”.

4. DO YOU TRUST YOURSELF? A dear friend of mine said to me shortly after his own divorce, “I think my picker is broken. I just can’t pick well right now”.  If you don’t trust yourself to choose the right person for yourself, don’t force it. One thing I have learned through my work is that there are many, many single people out there – and you don’t have to be in a rush to find your perfect match.

If you are going on dates or looking at dating websites and you find yourself overwhelmed or not sure who is right for you, take a break. Learn what you like to do and what kind of lifestyle works best for you. Once you have a good idea of what makes you happy and how you want your life to be, THEN you are ready to start diving in to those profiles.

5. DO YOU KNOW HOW GORGEOUS YOU ARE? Nothing makes me sadder than the woman that tells me she has to lose weight or the guy who says he has to have a better car or more money before she/he can start dating again. Deep, lasting love comes from two people connected by shared values, shared interests and shared goals. Do you want the guy who fell for you because you starved yourself into skinny jeans or the one who will spend the next fifty years snort laughing with you at Adam Sandler movies?

Know that you are beautiful to the man of your dreams, exactly as you are right this minute.  Know that the woman of your dreams will love you, whether you are driving a Porsche or a Pinto.

Dating when you aren’t ready is like trying to buy furniture for a house you’ve never seen – it might be really nice furniture, but if it doesn’t fit in the house, it will never feel right.  In the end, the “right one” comes along when you know what you need and what makes you feel loved…that’s when we fall truly, madly and deeply in love with the person that fits just right.

The post Love the Next Time Around: 5 Questions To Help Find “The One” appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

6 Things I’d Like My Ex To Know About Love

6 Things I’d Like My Ex To Know About Love

Broken Heart Couple.jpg

 

Growing up, I always pictured my adult life as finding my Prince Charming and being “in love” with bluebirds singing, rainbows, and happily ever after. Yeah right! What my adult life looked like in my marriage, was more of a nightmare instead of that happily ever after.

I knew what love was, I had felt it all my life growing up in a stable home with parents that showed love in their own marriage and showed love towards me. I knew what it was like to love someone. Unfortunately, I married someone that didn’t have a clue what love was or how to truly give it.

There are 6 things that I’d like my Ex to know about love that he didn’t seem to get while we were married:

1. Love is not a solo venture. To have a loving marriage requires TWO people, not just one that provides love to the other without anything in return. It seemed the more I gave, the less he gave in return. This wasn’t just in love but in everything.

2. Love does not inflict constant pain. When you love someone, you don’t constantly put them down, degrade them, make them feel less of a person than you. You support them, you help them when they need it, you encourage.

3. Love isn’t always 50/50: As in most things in life, relationships can be off balance where love flows stronger from one person to the other and as time goes, that shift occurs more naturally and provides for each other’s needs. The scales tip and at times they are even but sometimes they are off. That is OK. It isn’t always 50/50 and life isn’t always fair.

4. Love means doing everything you can to nurture it, protect it, and keep it from dying. Whether that be a date night, a surprise gesture of kindness, communication, compromise, or seeking professional help. It also means forgiveness. When you are in a loving relationship with someone, forgiveness is crucial. Holding grudges, feeling cheated, reminding the other how they ruined your life, are not things that foster love but destroy it.

5. The love of a child is priceless! This one I can’t stress enough. The love of a child is a gift that should be cherished. To not acknowledge that love and treat it as a nuisance, is just horrible in my opinion. My Narcissistic Ex didn’t want children and even now spends very little time with his children. What he fails to realize is that the attention he craves would come from his children if he just gave a damn.

6. Love and Sex aren’t the same! They are in a completely different league. Ideally, love leads to sex and makes it that much more meaningful. I’m not negating the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, but when sex is used as the only display of love and when it’s not provided, the relationship gets more abusive, then that is not love.

Love to me meant that I would try my hardest to help my partner, support him, encourage him, even when it was a nightmare. I would have been there for him through the process of getting help and working on himself, our marriage, and being a Father. I can’t say for sure that I would have stayed, as it would have taken a lot of rebuilding of trust in our relationship and a lot of healing, but I would have tried.

Most of all, I would like my Ex to really comprehend to the following quote and take it to heart if there is a heart in there at all. If he had followed this instead of using manipulation, violence, neglect, and all the other things he tended to display in our marriage, then who knows what type of life we would have had and our children might have had.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13

The post 6 Things I’d Like My Ex To Know About Love appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

valentine

Valentine’s Day: Wise Words From The Wisest On Love

valentine's day

 

While romantic love is certainly a special kind of love, it is not the only kind to celebrate on Valentine’s Day!

Some of the world’s greatest philosophers wrote and talked about the many kinds of love and their meanings.

By studying their works, I have learned over the many years as a divorce attorney, a wife, a step-mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister (and as the caregiver of a rescue dog, Rodney), there are many facets (gems) to the beauty of love.

I remind my clients who are going through the angst of a divorce to be open on Valentine’s Day (and all other days of the year) to consider how they, too, can live the truths of the philosophical love reminders we all have access to—I ask them to operate on a higher plane.

Doing so serves to distract them from the loss of romantic love, a commodity, when absent, can only be amplified on February 14. As 13th century poet, scholar, and theologian Mevlana JaJaluddin Rumi (better known as just Rumi) said,

“Your job is not to seek for love, but to remove the blocks to love’s awareness which is inherently yours already.”

Ascribing to that philosophy of love, I have put together a few words by others well known for their perspectives on love, and how you can utilize them throughout the day on Valentine’s Day, and long after.

Here is a list of my favorite “jewels.” Perhaps, you have a list of your own!

Wise Words From The Wisest On Love

Charles Dickens:

One of the world’s best storytellers said when talking about gratitude: Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”  Yes, itemize your list every morning. Doing so will direct your attention away from the trite, the petty and the painful. Don’t focus on any irritant. That mental activity will only bring you negative energy.

Negatives can expand and fester when you are consumed with thoughts of things or people that irritate you. Instead, focus on what you appreciate in “things” and  “person(s)” and all other things for which you are grateful. This allows you to become more in touch with the love that is already there. If you feel the need to criticize someone or some one thing, stop and do a short two-to-five-minute meditation to clear your mind. It will then realign with a higher consciousness in the universe.

Mark Twain:

A great storyteller and humorist was big on forgiveness. He once said: “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the hill that crushed it.” This is one of my favorite sayings. There is a sharp bite to that and deadpan humor to the saying, though it rings true. If you’re tracking people who may have caused you hurt, remember most people ultimately find a way to redeem themselves.

(Even President Nixon said, “Always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.” Unfortunately, he had to learn this lesson the hard way. But what better person to teach us this lesson). Forgive your ex on Valentine’s Day. You will find it very liberating.

Aeschylus:

A Greek playwright (458 BC) talks a good deal about grace throughout his works. He said, “Wisdom comes through suffering.” Anyone who has been through the deep hurt of a divorce or separation knows what he was talking about.  I believe that it is through suffering that the heart expands to the fullest. That is when we feel a deeper love is within us.

Again, concentrating on all Aeschylus expressed, brings us to a broader and higher love. I believe grace exists on the other side of pain—it is the sister of love. When going through a break-up, and when you take the time needed to wallow in the pain, that is not always a bad thing. Going through such a process head-on, rather than hiding from it (through alcohol, drugs and other excesses) allows a person to grow.

Through growth comes wisdom. I believe with grace we can have more compassion for our fellow man and ourselves. Focusing on grace can serve as a cushion when landing hard on the divorce floor.

Lucille Ball:

Groundbreaking actress/comedienne during the advent of television. Lucy believed that self-love was the key to life. “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line,” she was quoted as saying. Love yourself through good times and bad and love will be ever constant. If you are looking for someone to fill the void…complete you…then you will be forever restless and unfulfilled. Yes, you long for romance on Valentine’s Day, but what about self-love that day?

If you’re thinking about love with a partner, though, think about letting go of any type of control and supporting that person on good days and bad ones. Don’t “need” that person. Love that person while also loving yourself. If more of us would think: self-love we would have a more realistic perspective about what romantic love means as compared to self-love. Perhaps more marriages might be saved.

George Harrison:

Beatle’s singer/songwriter and philosopher (messages about love permeated his lyrics)  sang “ It is when we see beyond ourselves that peace of mind will be waiting there.” Ergo: Service to others. Those going through divorce are so wrapped up in their misery they have little time for the world around them and the people in it. Nothing transforms passive longing and feelings of loss than to give and serve others.

Maybe it’s visiting an elderly person in the hospital; jumping in to help a friend in need without them even asking; rescuing a wounded animal; showing more compassion for your children and close family. Find a cause and give of yourself to it.  When I ask myself how I can be of service and do it, it is one of the most gratifying “love” feelings of all. In the midst of it, you find your feelings of anger and resentment dissolve into feelings of love.

It is one of the suggestions I give all my clients on getting through not just Valentine’s Day, but every day especially during the divorce phase.

Ram Dass:

New age philosopher and teacher gave countless lectures and classes on love and trust. He once said, “No matter what life has thrown at us, there is always a way to trust not only that we can be present for life, but that it’s in the very nature of our life to renew itself.”  Dass taught us that there will always be doubt, doubt, and more doubt.

The secret to combating uncertainty is to concentrate on faith and trust—yet another way to express and indulge in self-love and give love to others. Courting doubt will simply engender more doubt. At this stage of your life—surviving a painful break-up—the best thing you can do is to trust yourself to make all the right decisions, and you will.

Trust will bring about the love which can take care of anything. Abraham Lincoln said, “The belief in that which is seen is really no belief at all. It is the belief in that which is unseen that there reveals faith.”

I think one of the great purposes of life is to look at the opportunities we have to grow the love within us despite the sadness, injustice, and adversity. We will see over the course of our lives that there are times when we succeeded in growing love and other times when we squandered it. But it’s always been there.

I urge you to take a Valentine’s Day challenge this year and work to make each day a conscious tribute to love, not only for yourself but for those around you.

The post Valentine’s Day: Wise Words From The Wisest On Love appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

Do Not Waste Valentine’s Day Mourning Lost Love: Celebrate the Love In Your Life Now

Don’t Waste Valentine’s Day Mourning Lost Love: Celebrate the Love in Your Life Now!

What makes you feel joy? Go ahead and do it! Celebrate love – on Valentine’s Day and every day of the year! Feel the joy of love rush through you non-stop.

The post Don’t Waste Valentine’s Day Mourning Lost Love: Celebrate the Love in Your Life Now! appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

Do Not Waste Valentine’s Day Mourning Lost Love: Celebrate the Love In Your Life Now

Do Not Waste Valentine’s Day Mourning Lost Love: Celebrate the Love In Your Life Now

 What makes you feel joy? Go ahead and do it! Celebrate love—on Valentine’s Day and every day of the year! Feel the joy of love rush through you non-stop.

The post Do Not Waste Valentine’s Day Mourning Lost Love: Celebrate the Love In Your Life Now appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

wife fell out of love with you

9 Reasons Your Wife Fell Out Of Love With You

wife fell out of love with you

 

Your wife fell out of love and left, pulled the rug out from under your world and, in your stunned disbelief you can’t, for the life of you, figure what went wrong.

Many men are blinded sided by divorce, slapped in the emotions by a wife who says, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Most, I’m afraid, fail to look inward and own the role they played in the lack of love now being shown them.

Happy marriages are difficult to maintain and, it is possible for a woman to fall out of love with her husband. It’s difficult for a couple to maintain the level of excitement felt when they first met once they are sharing their lives day in and day out.

Add to the monotony of daily life, marriage stressors and a lack of skills for dealing with the stress and it is possible for a wife to lose those “loving feelings” toward her husband.

Wondering why it happened to you?

Below are 9 Reasons Your Wife Fell Out Of Love With You

1. You Missed the Mark When It Came to Communication

Not only is communication important in maintaining a bond with each other, how you communicate will determine how strong of a bond. The way a couple communicates is as important as the ability to communicate.

Below are four negative communication traits that may have killed her love for you.

Giving her the silent treatment 

When you refuse to talk and discuss problems you slowly destroy the love that is the foundation of a marriage.

Refusing to communicate is a disrespectful manner of communicating how you are feeling. Did you give her the silent treatment when she pissed you off? If so, all you managed to do was push her away and build a wall that restricted intimacy.

Being on the defensive 

If you viewed statements made by your wife as accusations, you probably responded in a defensive manner. Being defensive is not communication, it’s a game of who is right and who is wrong. When you start keeping score, love eventually pays the price.

Being overly critical 

Constantly expressing how you feel about your wife’s negative traits isn’t communication, it is tearing down. Nothing kills feelings of love for a husband quicker than feeling like you can do no right. If your communication style causes your wife to feel worthless and depletes their self-esteem, don’t be surprised when you find the love has died.

Name calling 

This is a no-brainer! If you tell someone who loves you they are an idiot, stupid, can’t do anything right, that person will eventually fall out of love with you. Name calling is a form of emotional abuse!

2. You Were a Clingy Husband

My 8th grade home economics teacher taught us that once couples marry they “became one.” She was wrong! Couples do not become one and believing so is a death sentence to autonomy and love.

For love to thrive a wife and husband should remain autonomous, fully individualized outside the relationship and marriage.

Wanting your wife to spend all her time with you because you believe it is an expression of how much she loves you is a sign of immaturity in you, not proof that she loves you.

If love is to grow, a husband and wife must continue to bring your own individuality to the relationship.

If you were clingy, insecure, jealous and possessive you weren’t feeding love, you were smothering it. Want to choke the love out of someone quickly, man or woman, keep a tight noose around their neck!

3. Your Marriage had a Bad Beginning

In order for a couple to weather the storms…the ups and downs of marital life, they need a strong, healthy beginning. Below are a few examples of poor relationship foundations. Beginnings that could cause either spouse to eventually lose loving feelings for the other.

A rush to marriage 

You fell in love and had her standing at the alter two months later. True love takes time to grow, two months, isn’t enough time. If you rushed her toward the alter before she was ready to go there, your marriage was doomed from the beginning.

Long-term relationships riddled with problems 

We all know that couple. They dated for six years, broke up and got back together on a regular basis and were always in the middle of conflict. If you can’t hold a relationship together before you marry, you aren’t going to be able to after you marry.

4. You Didn’t Meet Her Needs

Forgive me for going all “Venus and Mars” on you but, as individuals, we have needs in romantic relationships. If those needs aren’t met, love dies.

If you were consumed by work, came home late, ate dinner and watched television that means you had very little leftover for her. Was golf or football your weekend go toes? How often did you help her with the laundry, clean the house or do a sink full of dishes? Rarely? I’m sure she felt drained AND unappreciated!

If, as her husband you weren’t tuned into her emotional and physical needs and putting effort into meeting them, she may have gotten to the point of finding someone who would.

And let’s talk about sex! If you expected sex after weekends of football or golf and no effort to help with the kid or around the house, you EXPECTED WAY TOO MUCH from a wife who, more than likely, felt belittled, dismissed and cringed at your touch.

5. You Didn’t Put Enough Effort into Resolving Marital Conflict

Problems are common in all marriages. Both spouses need to have the ability to constructively work through those problems. When a husband avoids finding solutions to marital problems, leaving his wife holding the bag, love eventually dies.

Putting the onus on her to solve problems by refusing counseling or communicating about the problems causes resentment to grow toward you and the relationship.

Unresolved marital conflict, especially when a husband tries to sweep them under the rug, negatively impacts feelings of love her husband has for her.

6. You Stopped Caring About Your Appearance

You let yourself go. You gained 50 pounds and never lost it, you started wearing nothing but sweatpants and just generally became someone no one would find attractive.

Physical attraction between spouses is important. If your wife looks at you and her motor doesn’t start humming love is doomed. Part of being in love with someone is feeling passionate and drawn to their physical appearance.

Just because a woman has said, “I do” doesn’t mean her love will always be there regardless of how you look and how well you take care of yourself.

7. You Rejected Her Sexually

Sex in marriage is important because it brings a couple closer together. If a couple has a great sexual bond they can weather almost any storm. In a sexless marriage, there is no bond, storms are not weathered!

Sex is also an expression of love between two people. Few men understand that women bond with their partner via the act of sex. It’s true! Marital sex, for women, is a way to feel closer to their spouse.

It isn’t just sex for the sake of sex.

For love to continue and grow it’s important that a husband understands and respects his wife’s normal sexual needs. And, at times, give a spouse what they need (within reason) because you care about her needs being met.

Let me add a qualifier here, she isn’t going to be the least bit interested in sex with you if you’re an abusive, lazy, slob, who never lifts a hand around the house. Don’t take what I’ve written here and used it against a wife who has every reason in the world to not desire sex with you.

8. You Were Impossible to Please

It didn’t matter what she did, you were never grateful. She gave you that extra baby and you bitched because it was another girl. She bought you a riding lawnmower for your birthday and you whined because it didn’t have enough horsepower.

Whatever she did, you took her efforts for granted and failed to show appreciation.

9. You Changed After Marrying Her

Before marriage, you were up for anything. You enjoyed going out with her, doing things she was interested in. You were invested in your career, had a full and rewarding life. You were the total package!

After marriage, you turned into a boring, grumpy, uninteresting person who was in bed asleep by 8 in the evening and spent your weekends on Facebook or binge-watching football on the couch. That interesting man she fell in love with became a snooze fest she had no respect for and very little feelings of love toward.

From a Reader

Here’s a list from the perspective of a reader who fell out of love with her husband.  I’m sure there are many women who can identify with what she has to say. And, I suggest you take it to heart if you’ve still got the opportunity to save your marriage.

  1. He couldn’t keep his thing in his pants.
  2. He was lazy and uninvolved when it came to helping around the house.
  3. He was lazy and uninvolved when it came to helping with our daughters.
  4. He was obsessed with money and how he was perceived by others.
  5. He was a bad lover and expected that while he did nothing to help with the kids/house I should want to have sex with him….which became a chore and left me often times feeling sick.
  6. He is a narc….and blames women for all his failures–something friends warned me about at the start but I was too blind to see.
  7. He resented any friends I made and after while I stopped making them.
  8. He resented any time I spent with my family even though I had just spent almost 20 years overseas away from them.
  9. He snored; I never got a full night’s sleep in 15 years.
  10. He never wanted to do anything and when asked he would act like he was doing us a great favor.

The post 9 Reasons Your Wife Fell Out Of Love With You appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

When Narcissists Are Hurting The People You Love … How Do You Help Them?

When Narcissists Are Hurting The People You Love … How Do You Help Them?

It is can be disturbing and devastating to watch a loved one struggling with a narcissist.
 
You may have a child whose partner is a narcissist and you feel isolated and powerless to help them.
 
Or you may have a parent, sibling or friend who is experiencing narcissistic abuse and you don’t know what to do.
 
There is a way to help them, other than lecturing and trying to get them to wake up. In this episode, I’m going to explain to you exactly how to do this.

 

 

Video Transcript

So many of you have often asked me, how can I help my child who is now isolated and controlled by the narcissistic spouse?

Or maybe your sister, brother or dear friend is hopelessly enmeshed with a narcissist abusing them at work, in a love relationship or even in a friendship.

You may be beyond concerned that the person you care about isn’t waking up to this and seems to be slipping further and further away from you.

Maybe you have grandchildren that you don’t see anymore because of a narcissistic in-law.

How can you help the person you love who is deeply in the clutches of narcissistic abuse?

In today’s TTV episode I explain to you the only way I know that works and does work to help your loved ones recover from this.

But before we get started on this episode, I’d like to thank each and every one of you who have subscribed to my channel and supported the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t yet done so please do, and also give this episode a thumbs up if it resonates with you.

Okay, so now on to this very important information.

 

The Deeper and Necessary Understanding of Quantum Law

There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing the people whom we love suffer. There is nothing more frustrating and unjust than seeing them ripped away from us by a pathological narcissist.

What is doubly frustrating is the more we try to talk sense to the person we love, the more they can pull away from us and even side with the narcissist.

You may be agonising over why this is happening, but what I always like to do is to just get down to the pure truth of things – which is this:

Whichever way we are powerfully emotionally vibrating about anything (including somebody we care about), is exactly the experience that we will have in our personal experience.

Let me put it to you simply. If you feel that someone in your life is being emotionally smashed, abused and isolated from you, then that is the experience you will continue to Quantumly generate in your life.

This is especially true if you see this person as broken and powerless.

Now, before you think that I am blaming you for the experience that they are having, please hear me out. I am not blaming you in any shape or form, I am just explaining how energetic law and true manifesting takes place.

It is a human and beautiful part of our nature to deeply care for, be concerned about and have compassion for those whom we love. Yet, when you understand Quantum Law, you will realise that this is not necessarily helping those you love get better and get away from toxic circumstances.

Rather, it contributes to them being deeply stuck.

To truly help those you love requires a deeper understanding of Quantum Law, which I am beyond inspired to share with you.  In order to be able to help, you need to know the actual steps to Quantumly – which means for real – help the person who is not, at this point, helping themselves.

So, let’s dive in and get started.

 

Step Number One: Acceptance

The greatest barrier to us trying to change our life experience, including the experience of others we care about, is resistance to what is happening in the present moment.

Of course, from the human perspective, we judge what is happening to them as ‘wrong’. Yet, by doing so, we are not understanding the grand design deeper truth of their soul’s evolution and journey.

I personally believe 100% that there is a reason for ‘all of it’, meaning that anyone’s personal evolution is about calling forth and participating in the experiences that are going to make their unconscious programs conscious, and lead them inwards to healing and resolving what is necessary in order to generate a different life experience.

That is exactly what happened to us regarding our own narcissistic abuse which then led us to entering and activating our Thriver Recovery.

When you can take the evolutionary high road of understanding that what your loved one is going through is a necessary transaction for their own personal awakening and evolution, then your deepest wish is not so much for that experience to be removed or brought to an end, but for their soul to awaken and become empowered, self-loving and self-defining within the experience.

And, when you truly love another, then you will bless the experience and not make it so personally about yourself.

How often have we wanted to try to force somebody to change in order for us to feel better?

Usually, if we are honest with ourselves, this is the case. It is understandable and even intensely loving towards others, yet it defies getting a positive result from Quantum Law, as much as trying to defy a natural law such as gravity would be.

It is impossible to generate a change in your life experience by trying to change something outside of you, including somebody you love, in order for you to feel better.

What is much more likely to happen as per Quantum Law – so within, so without – is that this person you are trying to rescue from their situation will supply you more evidence of the inner emotional experience that you are already having. Namely, them not being well.

There is only one way to change your experience of anything or anyone, and that is to find the way to feel better about ‘what is’ so as to create the base foundation to go emotionally inward to then create a different experience that will spill out and have an influence on the outer experience.

This starts with acceptance.

A powerful mantra that you can say often in regard to this person who is being abused by a narcissist is, ‘I bless and accept your experience as sacred. No matter what it looks like, I know that it is offering you the highest possible evolutionary path that your soul yearns for.’

 

Step Number Two: Shifting Your Emotional Response

You have to know that trying to go in and change things, whilst you feel devastated for this person, is not going to work.

If anything, you run the risk of pushing them further away from you and more into the arms of the abuser.

There is a better way to deal with this, and the great thing is that it is activated by working on the only person that you do have the power to change – yourself. And, you can be totally available for this mission.

This is how it works …

By fully understanding and accepting that the way that you create change for yourself and others you care about, is by changing yourself. This doesn’t mean changing the way that you interact with them, even though this is a natural by-product of this … rather it means completely changing your inner emotional composition about this person and what they are going through.

Let me explain to you what I mean with this example.

A NARP member called Gail was devastated that her daughter who was married to a narcissist, was becoming more and more isolated from her and the rest of the family.

To add insult to injury, Gail’s daughter had three children under the age of ten whom Gail adored. Her ability to visit her grandchildren was getting reduced, as she continually received opposition and excuses. Gail knew that her daughter was being twisted and turned against her and her husband by her daughter’s husband.

Gail wrote into me asking me what she could do. I related to her the only solution I have ever known to work. I invited Gail to join NARP and start using the healings to target the traumas in her body regarding what her daughter was going through and how it was impacting Gail.

Gail put in the hard work with NARP and kept moving these terrible traumas in her body and shifting them out, until peace replaced the previous fear and anxiety.

Gail reached the place which we all do, on any topic in our life, when we work with the Quanta Freedom Healing processes of NARP; where the trauma was released, truth entered.

Gail realised that her daughter was going through a soul growth lesson with this man, and she also realised that everybody involved including the children, herself and the family were also going through their own personal evolution as a result of this.

Gail knew that her true power to assist in this solution was to accept that everything was in perfect and divine order, and then to powerfully contribute by shifting herself to ‘feel’ and ‘know’ that her daughter had an infinitely wise Inner Being who could also wake up to the truth.

The more Gail did this work, the more she was able to let go and allow, and keep working on herself to hold her daughter in this emotional vibration.

What happened next is what happens next in virtually every circumstance – Gail’s daughter approached her only a few weeks later. She asked her mother for help to take herself and the children in because she was divorcing her husband.

The spell had been broken.

Gail’s daughter also started working with NARP so as to detox the narcissistic husband out of her system, parent and create healthy powerful boundaries.  By doing this, he lost the advantage of her previous fear to abuse her with. She also set up powerful parallel parenting plans.

I know 100%, because I’ve seen it happen so many times in other people’s lives as well as in my life with my own son Zac, that if Gail had stayed in the same emotional devastation that she was previously in, none of this would have happened.

If you want your life to change regarding the people you love, then you need to become the change that you seek, from the inside out.

 

Step Number Three: Replace Blame and Resentment With Love

One of the most vital transitions you need to go through to help the people whom you love is to stop blaming and shaming them. It’s very common and of course understandable, to be angry and upset with this person you love for turning their back on you or siding with the narcissist against you.

Many people get confused regarding boundaries versus resentment. To help somebody awaken and re-enter your life, and their own life healthily, you must engage the power of love. Which means seeing and holding them in love without any personal hurt of your own being involved.

You may have to work really hard at this with NARP in order to shift out all vestiges of blame, resentment and hurt.

Remember, love heals, resentment hinders.

This does not mean drop your boundaries. If the person whom you love is infiltrating and damaging your boundaries, then enforce them, lovingly and directly and honestly.

That is what real love does. You are not loving another honestly by forfeiting your boundaries and hurting yourself to try to make them happy or love you. That’s a false love economy.

Let me share with you the following example.

Don is another NARP member who was doing the inner work regarding his son being in business with a very toxic narcissist determined to keep him away from Don and the family.

Yet, his son would come to Don to borrow money because of his business losses. The interactions went like this, every few months or so Don’s son made contact, but it was only about money. At all other times, he refused to be in contact with the family.

Before working with NARP, Don used to grant money to his son to try to stay in contact, yet after working with NARP and losing his trauma about what was happening with his son, Don started saying ‘No’.

Predictably all contact stopped and was unanswered when Don and his wife would reach out.

However, Don kept working with NARP as instructed to release all his guilt and obligation and trauma and just kept bringing in the highest possibility of resolution, which was his son awakening into his own infinite inner wisdom, thus evolving beyond the abuse.

It’s what happened – Don’s son left his business partner, returned to the family fold and started taking legal action against the narcissist.

 

Having to Work With This Differently

Until you understand Quantum Law, you may think that what I am talking about is some new-age fluffy theory.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Our own awakening is to realise how intrinsically and powerfully our own emotional energy is connected to the entire field; especially to those we are bonded to through love.

I know that so many of you in the community are reporting to me that you are really ‘getting it’. There is such a big difference between receiving information and fully embodying it as truth. The latter is what grants you power.

If you are really getting this, I want you to pause this video and write below ‘the cells of my body really get this!’

Until now you may not have realised that through your care and concern you have actually been adding to the situation rather than resolving it. This is why you need to learn to go about this in a different way, and I know that you will be stunned and shocked (beautifully) when you start working at this from the inside out.

In the only way that can truly work – Quantumly.

I can’t recommend enough becoming a NARP member to help those who you love. The wonderful by-product is that, not only will you discover how much you can genuinely assist them, you will also discover your own unlimited expansion, resolutions and breakthroughs that previously only seemed to be a life dream.

To become a NARP member click this link.

And, if you enjoyed this video, and would like to be notified each time a new episode is released, then make sure that you subscribe to receive all of my updates.

Also, please share this episode with those you know who are agonising over what is happening to the people they love.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

Read More –>