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wife fell out of love with you

9 Reasons Your Wife Fell Out Of Love With You

wife fell out of love with you

 

Your wife fell out of love and left, pulled the rug out from under your world and, in your stunned disbelief you can’t, for the life of you, figure what went wrong.

Many men are blinded sided by divorce, slapped in the emotions by a wife who says, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Most, I’m afraid, fail to look inward and own the role they played in the lack of love now being shown them.

Happy marriages are difficult to maintain and, it is possible for a woman to fall out of love with her husband. It’s difficult for a couple to maintain the level of excitement felt when they first met once they are sharing their lives day in and day out.

Add to the monotony of daily life, marriage stressors and a lack of skills for dealing with the stress and it is possible for a wife to lose those “loving feelings” toward her husband.

Wondering why it happened to you?

Below are 9 Reasons Your Wife Fell Out Of Love With You

1. You Missed the Mark When It Came to Communication

Not only is communication important in maintaining a bond with each other, how you communicate will determine how strong of a bond. The way a couple communicates is as important as the ability to communicate.

Below are four negative communication traits that may have killed her love for you.

Giving her the silent treatment 

When you refuse to talk and discuss problems you slowly destroy the love that is the foundation of a marriage.

Refusing to communicate is a disrespectful manner of communicating how you are feeling. Did you give her the silent treatment when she pissed you off? If so, all you managed to do was push her away and build a wall that restricted intimacy.

Being on the defensive 

If you viewed statements made by your wife as accusations, you probably responded in a defensive manner. Being defensive is not communication, it’s a game of who is right and who is wrong. When you start keeping score, love eventually pays the price.

Being overly critical 

Constantly expressing how you feel about your wife’s negative traits isn’t communication, it is tearing down. Nothing kills feelings of love for a husband quicker than feeling like you can do no right. If your communication style causes your wife to feel worthless and depletes their self-esteem, don’t be surprised when you find the love has died.

Name calling 

This is a no-brainer! If you tell someone who loves you they are an idiot, stupid, can’t do anything right, that person will eventually fall out of love with you. Name calling is a form of emotional abuse!

2. You Were a Clingy Husband

My 8th grade home economics teacher taught us that once couples marry they “became one.” She was wrong! Couples do not become one and believing so is a death sentence to autonomy and love.

For love to thrive a wife and husband should remain autonomous, fully individualized outside the relationship and marriage.

Wanting your wife to spend all her time with you because you believe it is an expression of how much she loves you is a sign of immaturity in you, not proof that she loves you.

If love is to grow, a husband and wife must continue to bring your own individuality to the relationship.

If you were clingy, insecure, jealous and possessive you weren’t feeding love, you were smothering it. Want to choke the love out of someone quickly, man or woman, keep a tight noose around their neck!

3. Your Marriage had a Bad Beginning

In order for a couple to weather the storms…the ups and downs of marital life, they need a strong, healthy beginning. Below are a few examples of poor relationship foundations. Beginnings that could cause either spouse to eventually lose loving feelings for the other.

A rush to marriage 

You fell in love and had her standing at the alter two months later. True love takes time to grow, two months, isn’t enough time. If you rushed her toward the alter before she was ready to go there, your marriage was doomed from the beginning.

Long-term relationships riddled with problems 

We all know that couple. They dated for six years, broke up and got back together on a regular basis and were always in the middle of conflict. If you can’t hold a relationship together before you marry, you aren’t going to be able to after you marry.

4. You Didn’t Meet Her Needs

Forgive me for going all “Venus and Mars” on you but, as individuals, we have needs in romantic relationships. If those needs aren’t met, love dies.

If you were consumed by work, came home late, ate dinner and watched television that means you had very little leftover for her. Was golf or football your weekend go toes? How often did you help her with the laundry, clean the house or do a sink full of dishes? Rarely? I’m sure she felt drained AND unappreciated!

If, as her husband you weren’t tuned into her emotional and physical needs and putting effort into meeting them, she may have gotten to the point of finding someone who would.

And let’s talk about sex! If you expected sex after weekends of football or golf and no effort to help with the kid or around the house, you EXPECTED WAY TOO MUCH from a wife who, more than likely, felt belittled, dismissed and cringed at your touch.

5. You Didn’t Put Enough Effort into Resolving Marital Conflict

Problems are common in all marriages. Both spouses need to have the ability to constructively work through those problems. When a husband avoids finding solutions to marital problems, leaving his wife holding the bag, love eventually dies.

Putting the onus on her to solve problems by refusing counseling or communicating about the problems causes resentment to grow toward you and the relationship.

Unresolved marital conflict, especially when a husband tries to sweep them under the rug, negatively impacts feelings of love her husband has for her.

6. You Stopped Caring About Your Appearance

You let yourself go. You gained 50 pounds and never lost it, you started wearing nothing but sweatpants and just generally became someone no one would find attractive.

Physical attraction between spouses is important. If your wife looks at you and her motor doesn’t start humming love is doomed. Part of being in love with someone is feeling passionate and drawn to their physical appearance.

Just because a woman has said, “I do” doesn’t mean her love will always be there regardless of how you look and how well you take care of yourself.

7. You Rejected Her Sexually

Sex in marriage is important because it brings a couple closer together. If a couple has a great sexual bond they can weather almost any storm. In a sexless marriage, there is no bond, storms are not weathered!

Sex is also an expression of love between two people. Few men understand that women bond with their partner via the act of sex. It’s true! Marital sex, for women, is a way to feel closer to their spouse.

It isn’t just sex for the sake of sex.

For love to continue and grow it’s important that a husband understands and respects his wife’s normal sexual needs. And, at times, give a spouse what they need (within reason) because you care about her needs being met.

Let me add a qualifier here, she isn’t going to be the least bit interested in sex with you if you’re an abusive, lazy, slob, who never lifts a hand around the house. Don’t take what I’ve written here and used it against a wife who has every reason in the world to not desire sex with you.

8. You Were Impossible to Please

It didn’t matter what she did, you were never grateful. She gave you that extra baby and you bitched because it was another girl. She bought you a riding lawnmower for your birthday and you whined because it didn’t have enough horsepower.

Whatever she did, you took her efforts for granted and failed to show appreciation.

9. You Changed After Marrying Her

Before marriage, you were up for anything. You enjoyed going out with her, doing things she was interested in. You were invested in your career, had a full and rewarding life. You were the total package!

After marriage, you turned into a boring, grumpy, uninteresting person who was in bed asleep by 8 in the evening and spent your weekends on Facebook or binge-watching football on the couch. That interesting man she fell in love with became a snooze fest she had no respect for and very little feelings of love toward.

From a Reader

Here’s a list from the perspective of a reader who fell out of love with her husband.  I’m sure there are many women who can identify with what she has to say. And, I suggest you take it to heart if you’ve still got the opportunity to save your marriage.

  1. He couldn’t keep his thing in his pants.
  2. He was lazy and uninvolved when it came to helping around the house.
  3. He was lazy and uninvolved when it came to helping with our daughters.
  4. He was obsessed with money and how he was perceived by others.
  5. He was a bad lover and expected that while he did nothing to help with the kids/house I should want to have sex with him….which became a chore and left me often times feeling sick.
  6. He is a narc….and blames women for all his failures–something friends warned me about at the start but I was too blind to see.
  7. He resented any friends I made and after while I stopped making them.
  8. He resented any time I spent with my family even though I had just spent almost 20 years overseas away from them.
  9. He snored; I never got a full night’s sleep in 15 years.
  10. He never wanted to do anything and when asked he would act like he was doing us a great favor.

The post 9 Reasons Your Wife Fell Out Of Love With You appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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When Narcissists Are Hurting The People You Love … How Do You Help Them?

When Narcissists Are Hurting The People You Love … How Do You Help Them?

It is can be disturbing and devastating to watch a loved one struggling with a narcissist.
 
You may have a child whose partner is a narcissist and you feel isolated and powerless to help them.
 
Or you may have a parent, sibling or friend who is experiencing narcissistic abuse and you don’t know what to do.
 
There is a way to help them, other than lecturing and trying to get them to wake up. In this episode, I’m going to explain to you exactly how to do this.

 

 

Video Transcript

So many of you have often asked me, how can I help my child who is now isolated and controlled by the narcissistic spouse?

Or maybe your sister, brother or dear friend is hopelessly enmeshed with a narcissist abusing them at work, in a love relationship or even in a friendship.

You may be beyond concerned that the person you care about isn’t waking up to this and seems to be slipping further and further away from you.

Maybe you have grandchildren that you don’t see anymore because of a narcissistic in-law.

How can you help the person you love who is deeply in the clutches of narcissistic abuse?

In today’s TTV episode I explain to you the only way I know that works and does work to help your loved ones recover from this.

But before we get started on this episode, I’d like to thank each and every one of you who have subscribed to my channel and supported the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t yet done so please do, and also give this episode a thumbs up if it resonates with you.

Okay, so now on to this very important information.

 

The Deeper and Necessary Understanding of Quantum Law

There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing the people whom we love suffer. There is nothing more frustrating and unjust than seeing them ripped away from us by a pathological narcissist.

What is doubly frustrating is the more we try to talk sense to the person we love, the more they can pull away from us and even side with the narcissist.

You may be agonising over why this is happening, but what I always like to do is to just get down to the pure truth of things – which is this:

Whichever way we are powerfully emotionally vibrating about anything (including somebody we care about), is exactly the experience that we will have in our personal experience.

Let me put it to you simply. If you feel that someone in your life is being emotionally smashed, abused and isolated from you, then that is the experience you will continue to Quantumly generate in your life.

This is especially true if you see this person as broken and powerless.

Now, before you think that I am blaming you for the experience that they are having, please hear me out. I am not blaming you in any shape or form, I am just explaining how energetic law and true manifesting takes place.

It is a human and beautiful part of our nature to deeply care for, be concerned about and have compassion for those whom we love. Yet, when you understand Quantum Law, you will realise that this is not necessarily helping those you love get better and get away from toxic circumstances.

Rather, it contributes to them being deeply stuck.

To truly help those you love requires a deeper understanding of Quantum Law, which I am beyond inspired to share with you.  In order to be able to help, you need to know the actual steps to Quantumly – which means for real – help the person who is not, at this point, helping themselves.

So, let’s dive in and get started.

 

Step Number One: Acceptance

The greatest barrier to us trying to change our life experience, including the experience of others we care about, is resistance to what is happening in the present moment.

Of course, from the human perspective, we judge what is happening to them as ‘wrong’. Yet, by doing so, we are not understanding the grand design deeper truth of their soul’s evolution and journey.

I personally believe 100% that there is a reason for ‘all of it’, meaning that anyone’s personal evolution is about calling forth and participating in the experiences that are going to make their unconscious programs conscious, and lead them inwards to healing and resolving what is necessary in order to generate a different life experience.

That is exactly what happened to us regarding our own narcissistic abuse which then led us to entering and activating our Thriver Recovery.

When you can take the evolutionary high road of understanding that what your loved one is going through is a necessary transaction for their own personal awakening and evolution, then your deepest wish is not so much for that experience to be removed or brought to an end, but for their soul to awaken and become empowered, self-loving and self-defining within the experience.

And, when you truly love another, then you will bless the experience and not make it so personally about yourself.

How often have we wanted to try to force somebody to change in order for us to feel better?

Usually, if we are honest with ourselves, this is the case. It is understandable and even intensely loving towards others, yet it defies getting a positive result from Quantum Law, as much as trying to defy a natural law such as gravity would be.

It is impossible to generate a change in your life experience by trying to change something outside of you, including somebody you love, in order for you to feel better.

What is much more likely to happen as per Quantum Law – so within, so without – is that this person you are trying to rescue from their situation will supply you more evidence of the inner emotional experience that you are already having. Namely, them not being well.

There is only one way to change your experience of anything or anyone, and that is to find the way to feel better about ‘what is’ so as to create the base foundation to go emotionally inward to then create a different experience that will spill out and have an influence on the outer experience.

This starts with acceptance.

A powerful mantra that you can say often in regard to this person who is being abused by a narcissist is, ‘I bless and accept your experience as sacred. No matter what it looks like, I know that it is offering you the highest possible evolutionary path that your soul yearns for.’

 

Step Number Two: Shifting Your Emotional Response

You have to know that trying to go in and change things, whilst you feel devastated for this person, is not going to work.

If anything, you run the risk of pushing them further away from you and more into the arms of the abuser.

There is a better way to deal with this, and the great thing is that it is activated by working on the only person that you do have the power to change – yourself. And, you can be totally available for this mission.

This is how it works …

By fully understanding and accepting that the way that you create change for yourself and others you care about, is by changing yourself. This doesn’t mean changing the way that you interact with them, even though this is a natural by-product of this … rather it means completely changing your inner emotional composition about this person and what they are going through.

Let me explain to you what I mean with this example.

A NARP member called Gail was devastated that her daughter who was married to a narcissist, was becoming more and more isolated from her and the rest of the family.

To add insult to injury, Gail’s daughter had three children under the age of ten whom Gail adored. Her ability to visit her grandchildren was getting reduced, as she continually received opposition and excuses. Gail knew that her daughter was being twisted and turned against her and her husband by her daughter’s husband.

Gail wrote into me asking me what she could do. I related to her the only solution I have ever known to work. I invited Gail to join NARP and start using the healings to target the traumas in her body regarding what her daughter was going through and how it was impacting Gail.

Gail put in the hard work with NARP and kept moving these terrible traumas in her body and shifting them out, until peace replaced the previous fear and anxiety.

Gail reached the place which we all do, on any topic in our life, when we work with the Quanta Freedom Healing processes of NARP; where the trauma was released, truth entered.

Gail realised that her daughter was going through a soul growth lesson with this man, and she also realised that everybody involved including the children, herself and the family were also going through their own personal evolution as a result of this.

Gail knew that her true power to assist in this solution was to accept that everything was in perfect and divine order, and then to powerfully contribute by shifting herself to ‘feel’ and ‘know’ that her daughter had an infinitely wise Inner Being who could also wake up to the truth.

The more Gail did this work, the more she was able to let go and allow, and keep working on herself to hold her daughter in this emotional vibration.

What happened next is what happens next in virtually every circumstance – Gail’s daughter approached her only a few weeks later. She asked her mother for help to take herself and the children in because she was divorcing her husband.

The spell had been broken.

Gail’s daughter also started working with NARP so as to detox the narcissistic husband out of her system, parent and create healthy powerful boundaries.  By doing this, he lost the advantage of her previous fear to abuse her with. She also set up powerful parallel parenting plans.

I know 100%, because I’ve seen it happen so many times in other people’s lives as well as in my life with my own son Zac, that if Gail had stayed in the same emotional devastation that she was previously in, none of this would have happened.

If you want your life to change regarding the people you love, then you need to become the change that you seek, from the inside out.

 

Step Number Three: Replace Blame and Resentment With Love

One of the most vital transitions you need to go through to help the people whom you love is to stop blaming and shaming them. It’s very common and of course understandable, to be angry and upset with this person you love for turning their back on you or siding with the narcissist against you.

Many people get confused regarding boundaries versus resentment. To help somebody awaken and re-enter your life, and their own life healthily, you must engage the power of love. Which means seeing and holding them in love without any personal hurt of your own being involved.

You may have to work really hard at this with NARP in order to shift out all vestiges of blame, resentment and hurt.

Remember, love heals, resentment hinders.

This does not mean drop your boundaries. If the person whom you love is infiltrating and damaging your boundaries, then enforce them, lovingly and directly and honestly.

That is what real love does. You are not loving another honestly by forfeiting your boundaries and hurting yourself to try to make them happy or love you. That’s a false love economy.

Let me share with you the following example.

Don is another NARP member who was doing the inner work regarding his son being in business with a very toxic narcissist determined to keep him away from Don and the family.

Yet, his son would come to Don to borrow money because of his business losses. The interactions went like this, every few months or so Don’s son made contact, but it was only about money. At all other times, he refused to be in contact with the family.

Before working with NARP, Don used to grant money to his son to try to stay in contact, yet after working with NARP and losing his trauma about what was happening with his son, Don started saying ‘No’.

Predictably all contact stopped and was unanswered when Don and his wife would reach out.

However, Don kept working with NARP as instructed to release all his guilt and obligation and trauma and just kept bringing in the highest possibility of resolution, which was his son awakening into his own infinite inner wisdom, thus evolving beyond the abuse.

It’s what happened – Don’s son left his business partner, returned to the family fold and started taking legal action against the narcissist.

 

Having to Work With This Differently

Until you understand Quantum Law, you may think that what I am talking about is some new-age fluffy theory.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Our own awakening is to realise how intrinsically and powerfully our own emotional energy is connected to the entire field; especially to those we are bonded to through love.

I know that so many of you in the community are reporting to me that you are really ‘getting it’. There is such a big difference between receiving information and fully embodying it as truth. The latter is what grants you power.

If you are really getting this, I want you to pause this video and write below ‘the cells of my body really get this!’

Until now you may not have realised that through your care and concern you have actually been adding to the situation rather than resolving it. This is why you need to learn to go about this in a different way, and I know that you will be stunned and shocked (beautifully) when you start working at this from the inside out.

In the only way that can truly work – Quantumly.

I can’t recommend enough becoming a NARP member to help those who you love. The wonderful by-product is that, not only will you discover how much you can genuinely assist them, you will also discover your own unlimited expansion, resolutions and breakthroughs that previously only seemed to be a life dream.

To become a NARP member click this link.

And, if you enjoyed this video, and would like to be notified each time a new episode is released, then make sure that you subscribe to receive all of my updates.

Also, please share this episode with those you know who are agonising over what is happening to the people they love.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Create a Life You Love Without New Year’s Resolutions

Create a Life You Love Without New Year’s Resolutions

Make 2020 your best year yet! Say goodbye to New Year’s resolutions and live your best life every day with this 4-step plan.

The post Create a Life You Love Without New Year’s Resolutions appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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A 4-Step Plan to Create a Life You Love without New Year’s Resolutions

A 4-Step Plan to Create a Life You Love without New Year’s Resolutions

Make this your best year up to now! Say goodbye to new year’s resolutions and live your best life every day.

The post A 4-Step Plan to Create a Life You Love without New Year’s Resolutions appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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fall in love with men who hurt you

Why Do You Always Fall in Love With Men Who Hurt You?

fall in love with men who hurt you

 

Do your romantic relationships bring out your insecurities and cause you to mistrust your own judgment? Do you always fall in love with men who hurt you? Many women become involved or even obsessed with the wrong men – men who are emotionally unavailable, with other women, addicted to substances – or who cannot love them back.

Do You Always Fall in Love With Men Who Hurt You?

This problem has been given many labels including codependency which can be defined as having underdeveloped self-esteem and dysfunctional boundaries, combined with inappropriate caring for others (letting others invade your boundaries). In the mid-1980s, Robin Norwood’s best-selling book “Women Who Love Too Much” offered women a guide to freeing themselves from destructive loving.

Many women consistently put other’s needs before their own and end up in one-sided relationships. The consequence for girls can be profound, with girls and women dismissing their own needs and ending up with a depleted sense of self, according to author Jill P. Weber. She posits that many girls learn to tune out their own inner voice due to their family experiences, and this prepares them for one-sided relationships in adulthood. Weber writes, “As a woman develops a strong core sense of self, fulfilling relationships will follow.”

Elizabeth, a beautiful and outgoing thirty-two-year-old, provided Kyle with unconditional love and did her best to make up for his dysfunctional upbringing by trying to meet his every need. After they moved in together, she cooked Kyle lavish meals and did all of the laundry in addition to working full-time and taking care of her five-year-old daughter.

Elizabeth reflects: “It took a breakup for me to realize that I was not responsible for Kyle’s happiness and can only truly make myself happy. He never treated me right and was unwilling to plan a future with me.” Elizabeth came to understand that she didn’t have any energy left for herself when she was so focused on Kyle’s well-being. Since their split, she has been able to return to college and finish her degree in nursing.

Ask yourself this question: Is there something about the way my guy treats me that makes me a bigger and better person? If the answer is no, ask yourself: Am I settling for less than I deserve in the relationship? Research shows that one of the main reasons why people stay in bad relationships is the fear of being single.  If this is the case, gently remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person regardless of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship.

Women who are attracted to men who hurt them often confuse chemistry and compatibility.

In fact, they are both essential to a long-lasting healthy intimate relationship.

  1. Chemistry: This usually refers to physical attraction but can include intellectual attraction as well. It is about how interesting and simulating you find the person. Do you enjoy each other’s touch and is their sexual chemistry? It’s essential because, without it, you are little more than friends.
  2. Compatibility: This is about sharing common values and goals, having fun together, and liking each other; it helps to sustain a couple through tough times.

Do you find yourself attracted to guys who you have good chemistry with, but not compatibility? Perhaps you grew up in a family where you were a caretaker or focused more on making others happy. Maybe you even felt that you had to be in a good mood regardless of your true feelings.

6 signs you are at risk of falling in love with men who hurt you.

  1. You become so absorbed in your partner’s problems you don’t often have time to identify or solve, your own.
  2. You care so deeply about your partner that you’ve lost track of your own needs.
  3. You feel that you grew up too fast in terms of your maturity or sexual activity.
  4. Growing up, were you often in a caretaker role with one or both parents or your siblings.
  5. Are you a people pleaser? If you have this tendency, you may find setting limits hard and you might have trouble asking for what you need from your partner. This is a pattern that starts in childhood but can be reversed.
  6. Do you feel that you have to be in a good mood or positive when you are with your friends, family, or intimate partner?

Many women are in one-sided relationships because they consistently put their partner’s needs before their own. Girls are often raised to focus on others and defer their own needs. Too often they are left with a depleted sense of self and they look to their partner for validation. Keep in mind that emotional intimacy is not emotional dependency. If your relationship causes you to be anxious or to question your sense of self, it may not be the best relationship for you.

Here are 6 ways to avoid hurtful, one-sided relationships:

  1. Seek a partner you can be yourself with and is easy to be close to. In other words, you don’t have to walk on eggshells. You feel safe in the relationship and free to express your thoughts, feelings, and desires openly without fear of rejection.
  2. Set an expectation of mutual respect. You can accept, admire, and respect each other for who you are. If you don’t have respect for your partner, it will eat away at chemistry until you have nothing left.
  3. Select a partner who is trustworthy.  Does he call when he says he is going to call?  Does he take you out when he says he is going to do so? When a man is interested in a woman, they keep their agreements.
  4. Make sure your guy carves out time for you on a regular basis and includes you in his inner circle. He makes you a priority because he values your relationship. This includes regular text messages or phone calls to show that he’s thinking of you.
  5. Don’t have sex with a partner who makes you feel insecure. A partner who truly cares about you is a boost to your self-esteem. He values you, gives you compliments, and encourages you to do things that are in your best interest.
  6. Select a partner who talks about your future together. If he says he’s not ready for a commitment, take him seriously – he’s just not that into you. Don’t waste your time on a relationship that doesn’t have a future.

In order to stray away from falling in love with me who hurt you, you have to focus on self-love. Unless we have self-acceptance and self-love, we cannot believe we are worth loving just as we are. We might try to prove our worth through giving too much to others and being overly tolerant and patient.  Author Jill P. Weber writes: “The more you view others’ mistreatment of you as something you have the ability to fix, tweak, or amend, the harder it is to develop a positive sense of yourself. Seeing yourself exclusively from the eyes of others disconnects you from the day-to-day, moment-to-moment experience of your life.”

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com

More from Terry

Learn to Love Yourself and Find Inner Peace

5 Ways To Stop Settling For Less Than You Deserve In A Relationship

The post Why Do You Always Fall in Love With Men Who Hurt You? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Don’t Fall For The Love Bomb! What It Feels Like To Date A Narcissist

Don’t Fall For The Love Bomb! What It Feels Like To Date A Narcissist

 

Narcissists like to love bomb! They like to shower you with gifts, turn on the charm and move things on very quickly.

When it comes to dating a narcissist how do you NOT fall for the love bombing?

How do you know the difference between love-bombing and real healthy attention and consideration?

Find out if there is a way to tell the difference between someone who is genuine, attentive and generous and a wolf in sheep’s clothing in this episode.

 

 

Video Transcript

What does it feel like to date a narcissist?

Heady. Exciting. Intoxicating.

(Before being healed up of course…)

How does all your sensibility go out of the window?

Why does it feel like you are on The Love Train Express, on a one way track, even though you sense there is something terribly dangerous about this?

Don’t real people show up as loving, genuine, trustworthy and caring as well?

You bet they do, and in today’s Thriver TV Episode I am going to explain to you what dating a narcissist is like, as well as what it is like to date a DECENT, loving and genuine person who is showing up interested in you and attentive towards you.

As well as HOW you can put this to the test!

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do.

And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let this episode begin!

 

The Feelings of Dating A Narcissist – When We Don’t Know!

What goes on with the narcissist and us when love-bombing happens?

The narcissist’s manoeuvre:

I’m going to try to hook up with this person. I’ll ask questions. I’ll find out what they are looking for and what they feel hurt about in their past. Then I’ll appear to care deeply about them and be everything they have been searching for.

The unsuspecting target’s feelings:

Oh MY GOD! This is the person I’ve been dreaming about, visualising and putting up on my vision board. He/she has arrived!

The narcissist’s manoeuvre:

I know this person is trusting and believes me. Now I’m going to snare this person quickly. I’ll take over their heart and infiltrate their body, soul and life. Heck, I’ll even connect financially with them as soon as they allow me to.

To get them to give me the key to the fortress, I’ll make them think I’m taking my time and have great respect for them. That is if sex and chemistry doesn’t get the better of them.

The unsuspecting target’s feelings:

Oh MY GOD! This person is everything I have ever wanted; I’m so attracted to him/her and he/she is so sweet and considerate. This is it – this is my beloved. There is no point wasting time, I know he/ she is the real deal and would never hurt me. I’m in!

(Mind you, this person’s intuition, their Inner Being, is dinging warning bells. Yet that niggly feeling is pushed aside by the over-enthusiastic reckless neediness to enmesh.)

The narcissist’s manoeuvre:

I’m SO high on new narcissistic supply that I am getting off on this. I know this person thinks we are crazily in love.

The unsuspecting target’s feelings:

Oh MY GOD! I feel so in love and attracted to this person I can’t even see straight.

That, in a nutshell, is a classic narcissistic love bomb. It is no more complicated than that – find out what a person craves and pretend to be it.

This is why narcissists get new supply in the time it takes to boil an egg.

The odd person reports that they didn’t feel head over heels when love-bombed. They didn’t feel the big chemical reaction to the narcissist – yet they still got hooked in because of some neediness within, like: ‘I’ll be on my own if I don’t accept this person’, ‘This person has the contacts, intelligence, wisdom, spirituality, money or lifestyle that I need to be happy, whole and safe’ and the list can go on and on and on.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when we believe it is about ‘love’, that connections with narcissists are a dual interior subconscious game of neediness and supply. The narcissist NEEDS significance and someone else’s energy to survive, and we NEED what is missing in ourselves and our lives to try to feel whole.

Hence, why our connection with a narcissist ends up being as painful as anyone’s relationship is with a drug dependency that is killing them.

We don’t believe there is any other option than the narcissist, who originally appeared as our saviour to ourselves – until we realise that our entire lesson with narcissists is to let go, detach, turn inwards, heal and become a FULL source to self.

The narcissist who will never become a source to self believes that people are just objects and that they are dispensable sources, when necessary, that can be mined from virtually anywhere.

It’s true there are many unhealed people who feel empty about something on the inside.

 

Dating Fearlessly

Please hear me when I say to you – it is SO not true, that it will never be safe for you to date because narcissists are everywhere.

Yes, narcissists are everywhere – that is totally true, and so are great people who you can have healthy, fulfilling relationships with.

Your future relationships are never about what other people are or aren’t doing (oh gosh I promise you this).

Rather, they are about WHO you are BEING.

Beingness is not something you can just logically decide – it’s the work you do inside yourself to heal, so that you can show up, not CARING who other people are, because you know who YOU are, what YOUR values are and how powerfully (and not needily) you can take your time to get to know people and put yourself (and them) to the test.

I really want you to discard the ridiculous romantic notion that love is all about being swept off your feet into an instant relationship.

Fairy-tales, sitcoms, novels, plays, advertising and blockbuster movies have made us believe this – but truly, if you want to be safe, healthy and happy then you need to GROW UP and take your time when dating.

If you do, you have narcissistic repellent working powerfully in your favour from the get-go.

Narcissists HATE to take time; they need narcissistic supply to survive – like yesterday.

If you can get it through to yourself TO TAKE YOUR SWEET TIME to get to know someone, rather than be like my previous self who used to put more thought into buying a pair of shoes than I did into choosing a relationship, then watch on – because we are not going to leave any stone unturned.

Your Criteria to NOT Fall For the Love Bomb

I want you to ask yourself these questions:

  • Is your life whole enough, as a single person, to NOT need a relationship to feel happy and have a fulfilling life?
  • Do you feel like you are established as your own generative source of love, acceptance, survival and security – and no longer feel like an empty, broken child in an adult’s body looking for a partner to be a pseudo parent for you?  (I know that is such a tough question and one I want you to get really honest with yourself about – because it is NO one else’s responsibility to give you your happiness and life – it is yours.)
  • Are you healed beyond the beliefs ‘all the good ones are gone’, ‘I have to accept who turns up because there may not be another’ and ‘if I have a connection of (whatever it is) with someone, I may never experience that with someone else again’?
  • Are you healed and truly over the trauma of your past relationships?
  • Are you very clear on what you will and won’t accept and, so, will not compromise yourself because of neediness and feelings of lack?
  • Are you prepared to ask for what you need and want? And will you, respectfully without resentment, walk away if this person does not meet your values and truth, and accept that you are just not a match for them – regardless of what stage the relationship is at?
  • Have you evolved past the beliefs of ‘going on dates with the wrong people is annoying, terrible, disappointing and a waste of time’?
  • Are you healed beyond capitulating to other people’s demands even if it means you lose this person?
  • Are you able to accept someone discarding you because you didn’t go along with their version of dating (such as having sex too soon), without blaming yourself and wondering what is wrong with you?
  • Do you now accept that what comes up via dating grants you the perfect opportunity to heal beliefs and release even more trauma, show up in truth with healthy boundaries and become an even greater generative force of true, healthy love?

I promise you, I used to be a ‘No’ in all these areas. Today I am a ‘Yes’ because I know not just healthy love depends on it – my life literally does.

I worked my BUTT OFF with the inner work to get myself there.

Okay, so I’d love you to be honest and share with the entire community below – how many do you score a ‘yes’ out of these ten questions I just asked you?

I promise you this…until you stop dating trying to find someone to heal you, or deciding that you could never date ever again because you are too broken, and instead heal yourself in your key inner areas to become whole, not only will you date effectively, you will have a total blast doing it – no matter how many narcs you initially come across.

I also promise you that once the Quantum Mechanics of so within so without, get clear so that you are solid within and taking wonderful and powerful care of the sovereignty of your soul – the seas will part, the narcs will all get washed away, and great people will start flowing towards you.

Before then, you will be susceptible to a love-bombing narcissist. If you are starving or dying of thirst, you will eat crap on a stick or drink your own urine if you have to. With a narcissist who was originally wrapped in glamour, you’ll see that when the mask falls you will be left with the chilling truth of who they really are.

The total solution is to heal you, then you will never accept that again, and you won’t put yourself in a position to even start a narcissistic relationship.

When you heal, you will put as much thought, time, diligence and care into a relationship decision as you would any other impactful life decision – even more so – and certainly more thought than purchasing a pair of shoes.

The Difference Between Love-Bombing and Real Healthy Attention and Consideration

I love that I get to live so many experiences for myself AND this community.

Sometimes I feel like a crash-test dummy, in a good way!

‘Love’ has certainly been a journey for me, full of richness and experience, and I am very blessed to have enjoyed being able to have my heart open to receive new relationships even after narcissistic abuse.

EVERY relationship since the two N’s, has been a wonderful step up for me in certain areas.

You may ask what the difference is between decent caring people who are lovely and being love-bombed.

I promise you I KNOW the difference. And the reason I was able to enter a healthier relationship trajectory was because I was DIFFERENT enough to attract and accept this into my life.

My current partner of just over a year is a lovely man. From the day I met him, I felt a familiarity, a soft warm feeling. It was like putting on an old sweater that I adored. It was a feeling like ‘coming home’. It wasn’t the high anxiety, blood pumping ‘thrill’ of hanging out with a narcissist.

(Which for a long time I have been quite repulsed by!)

In the past, leading up to this man, I had been adamant about NOT being with men that were at all love-bomby! Because I knew how narcissistic that can be. I have to laugh about how the Universe says, ‘your wish is my command’ as I had been experiencing ungenerous relationships.

Meaning they were NOT romantic or caring, even though I was clear (previous love-bombing or not) with what I wanted, ‘I want romance. I want to feel like a revered woman. I want to MATTER!’

From day one I received flowers every time my partner picked me up on a date. He would send me beautiful thoughtful messages, including poetry. I was being beautifully romanced.

I still am to this day.

And I was totally allowing things to unfold whilst sizing him up, as well as evaluating how I was Being in this.

A dear girlfriend asked me ‘How do you know this isn’t love-bombing?’ My answer was ‘Because if I am busy and can’t get to his text, he waits respectfully until I do. And if I have other plans, and can’t meet up, he is totally understanding with this’.

This man was NOT needy, pushy, demanding or sulky. He was being a real romantic steadfast man. He respected my space and never encroached on it.

He didn’t play ridiculous ‘let’s throw caution to the wind in the name of passion’ games.

And, I was not giving up my life to completely fall into his arms. As it turned out, he didn’t want that either. We took our time through a friendship and courting process to get to know each other, as two whole people seeking another whole partner, to share a life with, rather than to self-medicate with or take away our emptiness and loneliness.

We remained platonically dating for three months before the relationship deepened.

In those three months, I watched and waited, as did he.

The other values I was very clear about included consideration for people, and one’s word being backed by real action, or taking responsibility if not possible (such as when stuff happens).

He has integrity. He is a really good person at his core.

I was clear on what character and kindness looked like and I was totally prepared to say ‘Okay, if he isn’t it, this has been a beautiful exercise in developing a relationship for both of us, and the next man will be even better.’

I truly believed that with all of my heart.

I still do, and if for whatever reason we decide our journey together wasn’t compatible with what we wanted any more, then that would all be totally okay too.

Right now, it is wonderful.

The Only Relationship That Creates All Others

I know there is a lot going on in this episode, and I hope that it can truly and deeply help you.

You know I am always banging on about the inner work, and that is because I know without it, after narcissistic abuse, just how hard it is to heal our fractured relationship with ourselves and life, let alone be powerful, solid and wise enough to engage in healthy relationships with a non-narcissistic intimate other.

What I love about truly cleaning up the relationship that we have with ourselves and feeling whole and satisfied in our own body and in life, is that we are no longer dependent and needy in relationships.

That is when we are TOTALLY free enough to choose and engage in ones that ARE healthy.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is to get there, and I know it will be for you too.

If it’s time for you to put an end to the narcissistic madness and fear, please click this link to start your trek on your true love path today.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released.  And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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marital compatibility

Marital Compatibility: It’s About More Than Being “In Love”

marital compatibility

 

Emily Cowen, a musical artist I enjoy sings, “Even though we just met, these feelings are so beautiful, you and me were meant to be together.” And that is where “love” songs get love wrong. You’ve just met, the feelings are beautiful so, goodness gracious, you must be meant to be together.

Wrong!

Long-lasting marriages and relationships aren’t based on beautiful feelings. They thrive because of compatibility and the unique differences both genders bring to the relationship and how well each can resolve conflict.

Let’s look at the role compatibility plays in lasting marriages.

Initial compatibility, the butterflies and raging hormonal attraction is not a good indicator of how successful a marriage will be. That immediate chemical attraction felt with someone new isn’t concerned with the other person’s value system, personality characteristics or those other beliefs and personality traits that bond a couple together for the long-term.

Attraction and butterflies are important if a marriage is going to stand the test of time, but what is more important is a couple’s common plan for what direction the marriage will take and what role each will play in the marriage.

What does marital compatibility look like?

Friendship: Are you friends with your spouse?  Is there a sincere likeness and level of comfort? Successful couples enjoy spending time with each other. It is this friendship that can be the foundation for solving problems as they arise in the marriage.

Role expectations in the marriage: This isn’t only about how household responsibilities will be handled. It’s also about who spouses treat each other. Very few conversations about role expectations come up when in the throws a brand new relationship. Roles will form naturally as time goes on or the couple will define what role they will play in the relationship. If you aren’t happy with the role you play, there isn’t much hope for the marriage.

My son’s wife isn’t a domestic goddess. She has a high pressure job and a Master’s in Nursing. She is more interested in cerebral pursuits than what art is hung on the walls or, cleaning the kitchen. My son, on the other hand, loves his career but also loves to cook and keep the house tidy. I tease my new daughter-in-law and tell her she has a “fine wife.”

Before marrying they discussed who would do what and they now not only enjoy each other intimately, they are both quite comfortable with how to household is run and the role each plays in the decision making process. It’s an equation for success!

Emotional honesty: Successful spouses trust each other, they feel safe being vulnerable and when discussing their feelings. There is an emotional give and take. When one spouse is in need, the other is there for them and vice versa.

Sexual expectations: Setting these expectations is not only about how frequently a couple will be intimate. It is important, very important that they both be on the same page about sexual frequency but there are other aspects of a sexual relationship that need to be defined. Not everyone is on board with experiencing every sexual act known to man.

Defining what you are and aren’t comfortable with sexually is imperative, right out of the gate. Couples who have similar sexual expectations experience more bonding with each other which sets them up for long-term success as a couple.

Shared goals: Mutually committing to and following a path you both agree on is something successful couples do. Do you want children, how will they be raised if you do? What is more important, spending money on furthering education or saving money for a down-payment on a house? Common shared goals and values are things that are the foundation for a strong marriage.

Most successful marriages come about because both partners came into the relationship with similar belief systems and values that match. This makes it easier for two people to reach agreements on issues such as sexual intimacy, gender roles and to be easily emotionally open with each other.

This isn’t to say that a solid marriage is made up of only couples with good qualities. Two people who avoid conflict, have hot-blooded temperaments and prefer to go with the flow can also make marriage work, as long as they are both on the same page.

The post Marital Compatibility: It’s About More Than Being “In Love” appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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5 Reasons a Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag

5 Reasons a Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag

Passive Aggressive Man Mask.jpg

If you were married to him, you know what I’m talking about. If you have divorced a passive aggressive you SURELY know what I’m talking about. If you weren’t, be on the look-out because chances are you will cross paths with a passive aggressive man.

Who is the passive aggressive man? He is that guy who avoids responsibility and conflict through passivity and withdrawal. He is the “Nice Guy” who reels you in with his adoration and once you are in the game he turns the tables so quickly your head will swim until you decide to take a hike.

But what is passive aggressive behavior and how do you recognize passive aggressive men?

5 Reasons the Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag

He…

Withholds to Punish: He says one thing but means another. Sure, he wants to go to a movie. He even appears to enjoy himself until later that night when he rejects you sexually. You see, he didn’t want to go to a movie but, his passivity would not allow him to own it. His fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” him do. What better way to punish than withholding something he knows you want?

Fears Conflict: He will do anything to keep from arguing with you. He has been taught that anger is unacceptable. Well, expressing anger in an open, honest way is unacceptable and is not something you will get from this guy. What you will get is a relationship with a man who avoids solving relationship problems, avoids taking responsibility for problems in the relationship and most importantly avoids making an intimate connection with you.

Why? A passive aggressive man will always choose to avoid conflict because he has come to experience conflict or disagreement as terrifying. He may have a great desire to connect with you emotionally but they don’t have the tools required for them to do so. For this reason, the retreat from those they love because of their fear that something will go wrong or they will be rejected.

In other words, they forfeit a relationship they long for, out of fear and, basically cause their worst fear to come true. Not only do they break your heart, they break their own heart by constantly giving up on relationships. When your passive aggressive husband starts avoiding conflict, it’s the beginning of the end of his emotional attachment to you and the relationship.

Plays The Victim: This poor guy can’t win for losing; not in his mind anyway. He will not show for a dinner date but find it unreasonable that you are upset. It is, after all, his bosses fault for making him work late. He could have picked his cell phone up and called but calling isn’t nearly as pleasurable as letting you sit and wait. You waiting on him gets his angries out at you.

He gets to punish you and blame his boss…he is off the hook, a “good guy” who is the victim of an unreasonable woman AND boss who both expect too much from him.

How does the passive aggressive benefit by playing the victim? When they play the “poor me” card it elicits other’s sympathy and offers of help. He enjoys being noticed and validated in such a way. Being a victim is also a great excuse for not confronting difficult life issues…avoiding conflict, again.

If he is viewing himself as a victim he can remain passive and not be held responsible for his bad behavior. This enables him to shift responsibility for his own misery off onto you.

As long as he is holding onto the victim role he puts himself in a low-risk, take no chances position. It’s all your fault since it’s your fault you should be the one to fix the problem! He is off the hook.

Is Forgetful: He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, anything important to you will be forgotten by him. My ex used to forget he needed something from me until the last minute.  If there was a social event related to his work, I would get notice the day before. I spent a lot of time running around trying to prepare for something in a few hours that would normally take days.

Is Afraid of You: They want you but they don’t want to become attached to you. He is in a constant battle with himself to pursue you then distance himself from you.  According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom.

The passive aggressive man is “unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battlegrounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”

You have a lot of anger toward the passive aggressive man you are involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.

And that is the trap women who are involved with passive aggressive men fall into, they become responsible for all that is wrong in the relationship. He keeps you hanging in by doing for you when he doesn’t want to, by never arguing, by being such a nice guy. All those puzzling behaviors that send the opposite message that the other negative behaviors send.

That is why they call it “crazy-making” behavior. The passive aggressive man is very good at appearing to be calm, cool and collected while you are going off the deep end. It isn’t his intent to frustrate, offend or cause you to feel guilty. He truly does only want to help.

The only issue, the kind of help he has to offer comes with a price. He has expectations he is unable to openly express and when you don’t meet those expectations you get resentment and covert punishment. And, you should never expect your expectations to be met, not even when you’ve expressed them in a clear, easy to understand fashion.

Want a relationship with a passive aggressive man to last? Become a mind reader and keep your expectations low.

The post 5 Reasons a Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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why we can love someone abusive

Why We Can Love Someone Abusive And Why We Stay

why we can love someone abusive

 

Falling in love happens to us; usually, before we really know our partner; It happens to us because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.”

Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the relationship turns abusive, you’re attached and want to maintain your connection and love. There may have been hints of abuse at the beginning that were overlooked because abusers are good at seduction and wait until they know we’re hooked before showing their true colors.

By then, our love is cemented and doesn’t die easily. It’s possible and even probable to know we’re unsafe and still love an abuser. Research shows that even victims of violence on average experience seven incidents before permanently leaving their abusive partner.

It can feel humiliating to stay in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t understand ask why we love someone abusive and why we stay. We don’t have good answers. But there are valid reasons. Our motivations are outside our awareness and control because we’re wired to attach for survival. These instincts control our feelings and behavior.

Why We Love Someone Abusive

Denial of Abuse to Survive

If we weren’t treated with respect in our family and have low self-esteem, we will tend to deny the abuse. We won’t expect to be treated better than how were controlled, demeaned, or punished by a parent. Denial doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s happening. Instead, we minimize or rationalize it and/or its impact.

We may not realize it’s actually abuse. Research shows we deny for survival to stay attached and procreate for survival of the species. Facts and feelings that would normally undermine love are minimized or twisted so that we overlook them or blame ourselves in order to keep loving. By appeasing our partner and connecting to love, we stop hurting. Love is rekindled and we feel safe again.

Projection, Idealization, and Repetition Compulsion

When we fall in love, if we haven’t worked through trauma from our childhood, we’re more susceptible to idealizing our partner when dating. It’s likely that we will seek out someone who reminds us of a parent with whom we have unfinished business, not necessary of our opposite-sex parent.

We might be attracted to someone who has aspects of both parents. Our unconscious is trying to mend our past by reliving it in the hopes that we’ll master the situation and receive the love we didn’t get as a child. This helps us overlook signs that would be predictive of trouble.

The Cycle of Abuse

After an abusive episode, often there’s a honeymoon period. This is part of the Cycle of Abuse. The abuser may seek connection and act romantic, apologetic, or remorseful. Regardless, we’re relieved that there’s peace for now. We believe promises that it will never happen again, because we want to and because we’re wired to attach. The breach of the emotional bond feels worse than the abuse. We yearn to feel connected again.

Often the abuser professes to love us. We want to believe it and feel reassured about the relationship, hopeful, and lovable. Our denial provides an illusion of safety. This is called the “Merry-Go-Round” of denial that happens in alcoholic relationships after a bout of drinking followed by promises of sobriety.

Low Self-Esteem

Due to low self-esteem, we believe the abuser’s belittling, blame, and criticisms, which further lessen our self-esteem and confidence in our own perceptions. They intentionally do this for power and control. We’re brainwashed into thinking we have to change in order to make the relationship work.

We blame ourselves and try harder to meet the abuser’s demands. We may interpret sexual overtures, crumbs of kindness, or just absence of abuse as signs of love or hope that the relationship will improve. Thus, as trust in ourselves declines, our idealization and love for an abuser remain intact. We may even doubt that we could find anything better.

Empathy for the Abuser

Many of us have empathy for the abuser, but not for ourselves. We are unaware of our needs and would feel ashamed asking for them. This makes us susceptible to manipulation if an abuser plays the victim, exaggerates guilt, shows remorse, blames us, or talks about a troubled past (they usually have one). Our empathy feeds our denial system by supplying justification, rationalization, and minimization of the pain we endure.

Most victims hide the abuse from friends and relatives to protect the abuser, both out of empathy and shame about being abused. Secrecy is a mistake and gives the abuser more power.

Positive Aspects

Undoubtedly the abuser and the relationship have positive aspects that we enjoy or miss, especially the early romance and good times. We recall or look forward to their recurrence if we stay. We imagine if only he or she would control his or her anger, or agree to get help, or just change one thing, everything would be better. This is our denial.

Often abusers are also good providers, offer a social life, or have special talents. Narcissists can be exceedingly interesting and charming.  Many spouses claim that they enjoy the narcissist’s company and lifestyle despite the abuse. People with a borderline personality can light up your life with excitement . . . when they’re in a good mood. Sociopaths can pretend to be whatever you want . . . for their own purposes. You won’t realize what they’re up to for some time.

Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding

When we receive occasional and unpredictable positive and negative intermittent reinforcement, we keep looking for the positive. It keeps us addictively hooked. Partners may be emotionally unavailable or have an avoidant attachment style. They may periodically want closeness. After a wonderful, intimate evening, they pull away, shut down, or are abusive. When we don’t hear from the person, we become anxious and keep seeking closeness. We mislabel our pain and longing as love.

Especially people with a personality disorder might intentionally do this to manipulate and control us with rejection or withholding. Then they randomly fulfill our needs. We become addicted to seeking a positive response.

Over time, periods of withdrawal are longer, but we’re trained to stay, walk on eggshells, and wait and hope for connection. This is called “trauma bonding” due to repeated cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates emotional bonds that resist change.

It explains why abusive relationships are the most difficult to leave, and we become codependent on the abuser. We may completely lose ourselves trying to please and not displease the abuser. Bits of kindness or closeness feel all the more poignant (like make-up sex) because we’re been starved and are relieved to feel loved. This feeds the Cycle of Abuse.

Abusers will turn on the charm if you threaten to leave, but it’s just another temporary ploy to reassert control. Expect to go through withdrawal after you leave. You may still miss and love the abuser.

When we feel completely under the control of the abuser and can’t escape from physical injury, we can develop “Stockholm Syndrome,” a term applied to captives. Any act of kindness or even absence of violence feels like a sign of friendship and being cared for. The abuser seems less threatening. We imagine we’re friends and can love the abuser, believing we’re in this together.

This occurs in intimate relationships that are less perilous due to the power of chemistry, physical attraction, and sexual bonding. We’re loyal to a fault. We want to protect the abuser whom we’re attached to rather than ourselves. We feel guilty talking to outsiders, leaving the relationship, or calling the police. Outsiders who try to help feel threatening.

For example, counselors and Twelve-Step Programs may be viewed as interlopers who “want to brainwash and separate us.” This reinforces the toxic bond and isolates us from help . . . what the abuser wants!

Steps You Can Take

If you feel trapped in a relationship or can’t get over your ex:

  • Seek support and professional help. Attend CoDA meetings.
  • Get information and challenge your denial.
  • Report violence and take steps to protect yourself from violence and emotional abuse.
  • When you miss the abuser or are longing for attention, in your mind substitute the parent whom you’re projecting on your partner. Write about and grieve that relationship.
  • Be more loving to yourself. Meet your needs.
  • Learn to set boundaries.

©Darlene Lancer 2019

The post Why We Can Love Someone Abusive And Why We Stay appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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divorce when you still love him

4 Ways To Deal With The Divorce Process When You Still Love Him

divorce when you still love him

 

In my divorce mediation practice, I often work with couples where one party is still, deeply in love with the spouse who wants a divorce. In this article, we’ll focus on advice for wives who find themselves in this painful situation. To be honest, I’ve found it’s just as often true that it’s the wife who wants to end the marriage and the husband who is still in love.

In any event, these are heart-wrenching divorce cases and over the years I have given this topic a lot of thought. Here are my thoughts.

4 tips for dealing with divorce when you still love him.

1. Do not retaliate or act out

The momentary urge to “get even” or act on hurt feelings can be difficult to resist. Taking action in the midst of hurt or anger may be satisfying and feel good in the moment, but be aware that acting on this urge will have consequences.  In one of my early cases, I observed the consequences of a young wife and mother who acted on those feelings when she was angry at her husband whom she deeply loved. During a marital argument, he moved out and demanded a divorce.

In the midst of their argument, he had made a caustic comment about her haggard appearance and post-pregnancy weight retention. The comment was understandably deeply hurtful to her. Reacting to the pain of his callous remark and his decision to move out, she retaliated. She had a short fling with one of her husband’s close friends.

A few weeks later the couple patched things up and he moved back home with his wife and their two young children.  A few weeks later she discovered that she was pregnant (…the pregnancy was not the result of make-up sex with her husband).

They stayed together for a few more years rationalizing that since he was the one who had left, he really shouldn’t complain about her behavior during the breakup. Meanwhile, the husband’s former good friend was paying child support every month and had visitation with the baby. As you can guess, this arrangement just kept reminding the husband of his wife’s retaliation; eventually, the marriage failed.

So my best advice is to avoid taking any action which will harm the man you love or the marriage you say you want. Examples of what NOT to do may seem to fit a stereotype. Even so, I’ve found them to be very common in cases where the husband seeks divorce and the wife is still in love, but hurt and angry. (Could this same advice be given to husbands who still love their wife who’s asking for a divorce? You bet.)

 Here is a partial list:

  • Don’t bad-mouth him to your girlfriends or your parents. If you need to process your feelings, find a therapist or support group.
  • Don’t buy things for yourself which you have wanted but cannot readily afford. Divorce often centers on money issues. Racking up credit card debt or draining a bank account on an impulse purchase usually brings more grief than joy in the long run.
  • Don’t act out by damaging his car, destroying his tools or lashing out in any way. If you want to physically express your anger, take a brisk walk or enroll in a martial arts class. (Don’t even think about anything which would end up as a YouTube video!).

I do not mean to promise that he will come back to you, but I can attest that you make it a lot harder if you retaliate or act out when he delivers the news that he wants to leave.

2. Try not to escalate

If while still married you and your husband are fighting and he threatens divorce it is imperative that you remain as calm as you can. Yes, he may truly want a divorce and be committed to that path. However, it’s also possible that while he may have said that what he wants is a divorce, what he may truly want is to stop fighting with you.

Divorce may seem like the way to get the fighting to stop. He may also be yearning for the dynamic that existed in the early years of your relationship but not know how to reclaim it. When arguments escalate it’s common for one or both parties to say things in anger they later regret.

Of course, when the prospect of an unwanted divorce raises its head, it is wise to protect yourself and look out for your own interests, even if you still love him and would prefer to stay married. Depending on the circumstances, hiring an attorney at this stage may seem to be the best course of action.

Just keep in mind that hiring an overly aggressive lawyer may preclude a smaller step like one-on-one mediation. Being a divorce mediator, I may be biased, but I’ve seen mediation work wonders in these situations.

Remember that divorce attorneys make their money by litigating divorces. Mediators thrive by creating harmony through mutual effort to resolve conflict. Many men have told me they find divorce mediation far more satisfying than marriage counseling because it is focused on problem-solving, (often their strong suit) rather than therapy which is focused on exploring feelings (often their weak suit).

If you need legal perspective, talk with a mediator with legal experience or call a lawyer from a town far away just to get some general advice. If you still love your husband and the marriage still has a chance of survival, jumping into litigation is highly unlikely to yield the results you seek.

3. Consider whether addiction is a factor and if so, get help.

One of the frequent coping mechanisms of couples going through the hard times prior to a divorce is to escape the pain of their lost romantic feelings using addictive behaviors. If your husband has shown any signs of addiction, then it is likely that you have reacted with your own countermeasures. Sometimes they are co-dependent behaviors like nagging, trying to shame him into good behavior, lying to cover up problems and so forth.

Whatever the details, when a couple is in this addictive cycle the marriage has almost no chance to thrive unless the addictions are addressed. If you have addiction anywhere in your marriage, then start with an honest assessment of your own reactions. If he has a problem behavior, and you still love him, there are proven ways to maintain your dignity and sanity in the relationship. Try Alanon or another 12–step program geared to support the friends and family of someone with an addiction problem.

4. Explore Your Deepest Truth

The hard truth is that I have seen cases where there are wives who love their husbands and there are other cases where the wives are attached to being married but seem to be indifferent toward their husband as a person. These might seem the same, but there is a world of difference.

Explore your deepest motivations about your relationship and your marriage because at some level your husband can probably tell how you really feel about him. If you are clinging to the idea that you love him but actually, deep down, you are insecure about not being married, that will tend to energetically push him away.

On the other hand, if you truly love him and that is the priority in your heart and soul, then living in accord with those emotions may have the effect of drawing him toward you.

What might this look like? Every relationship has its own qualities and dynamics; there are as many ways to put this advice into motion as there are couples. It takes some self-examination and wisdom to know what is a kindness you can genuinely offer without feeling like you are being taken advantage of or becoming a doormat. Healthy boundaries vary from individual to individual and relationship to relationship. This is definitely not a case of one-size-fits-all.

Here are a few approaches I’ve seen succeed in drawing a couple back toward each other rather than driving them further apart:

  • If you have children, and abuse is not a concern, consider allowing as much access as possible during the first phase of your separation. Show him that you value his role in their lives as a father even if he wasn’t the greatest dad before the divorce started. Invite him to visit with the kids in the home and be gracious when he shows up. Preparing extra food for dinner so he can eat with the kids is an act of kindness which he will notice and may appreciate. If the children are engaged in after-school sports, be sure to give him notice of all the games and ask him to sit next to you when he attends. Make an extra effort to include him in family gatherings and celebrations.
  • If he has moved out, you might provide him with a generous share of the linens and silverware, maybe even spare furniture so that he does not need to go buy replacements. Consider letting him store his big-ticket items in the garage rather than force him to move them to a storage locker.

It may be counter-intuitive but sometimes making it easy for him to leave, makes it easier for him to come back.  At the same time, only you can determine what crosses the line into unhealthy co-dependence and being overly generous for the situation.

Conclusion

Every case is different because every couple is different. If you still love your husband and he says he wants a divorce, you will have many opportunities to choose how you show up when whatever happens next unfolds. Over the course of my mediation practice, I’ve witnessed couples move toward reconciliation after one or the other, or both, initially thought divorce was inevitable. Of course, many couples do complete the divorce process, even when one of them really wants to stay married.

Either way, these four principles help provide the best chance of moving forward with a positive outcome. 1) Don’t retaliate, 2) try not to escalate, 3) if addiction is a factor, get help and 4) explore your deepest truth.

The post 4 Ways To Deal With The Divorce Process When You Still Love Him appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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