Posts

i had a great marriage

I Had a Great Marriage, Or So I Thought

i had a great marriage

Book Excerpt from Divorce Inked Out

 

So here I am, years married, two kids down and…… not happy. Shocker!

I had a great marriage, or so I thought, until one day, I didn’t. If you asked me to pinpoint where things went wrong, I couldn’t tell you exactly. Of course, we had our issues. What marriage doesn’t? But to single out a specific reason for its demise is difficult. I can tell you one thing, married life after children is never the same.

Married life B.C. (before children) is fun and exciting. I mean really, what is the difference between a serious relationship and marriage? Most likely you live together anyway, so the only real change is the title. We still had a great social life; parties, dinners, nights down by the shore, vacations. We came and went as we pleased. There are no limitations, no responsibilities and thusly, much less stress.

I remember we were watching the cooking channel one night; These incredible sandwiches were being made. Homemade bread fresh out of the oven, imported cold cuts and cheese from Italy, mouthwatering spreads- all combined and toasted into a panini of perfection. I still recall how we started to salivate over them. As luck would have it, they were from a restaurant in the city. We jumped out of bed, got dressed and drove there. It was that simple. Freedom…nothing to run home for, no obligations except him and me.

People do not realize how much children stress a marriage. I am not saying children are responsible for divorce, but they definitely limit your freedom and apply a layer of pressure that wasn’t there before. A typical day for me was basically spent taking care of my kids. My husband would go off to work and I was home all day with them. I don’t know about you, but there is just so much yum-yum, baba and go sleepies, a person can take.

Add that to severe sleep deprivation and colicky kids and you can find yourself, one twisted sister. My daughter used to scream for hours on end. We were trying to “Ferberize” her. I’d like to meet this Ferber guy and give him a piece of my mind. Let’s just say one night my husband came home to find me sitting on the couch with a tall glass of scotch- neat.

Now here is a scenario that wreaks havoc on a marriage. You are tapped out. You do not want to change another diaper, speak any more goo-goo language or watch another episode of Elmo getting his groove on. You are dying for some stimulating adult conversation. Your husband has just dealt with tons of people all day long. The last thing he wants is to be bombarded with a chatty Kathy and raging kids as soon as he gets home.

I have witnessed first hand and heard from many others, the scenario I will describe now. The husband walks in from a crazy day at work. He is exhausted and just wants a hot meal to eat with peace and quiet. The wife, 5 Starbucks in, is trying to calm hyperactive kids down and is desperate for some adult talk. The last thing the husband wants to do is deal with screaming children and a caffeine driven hyperactive spouse.

The wife so desperately wants a helping hand and some attention. If proper communication is not already established, a compromise to help the husband and wife is very difficult to reach. Being home is no longer a quiet relaxing place. There may be after school activities, homework, studying and much more. Schedules are a must, and before you know it, it’s time to go to sleep and restart the day again. Is there any real communication with a life so engulfed in routine? If it’s not already established, it probably doesn’t exist.

This is where, in my opinion, the marital problems begin. You used to experience butterflies in your stomach when the key would turn in the front door. You were so excited to greet the person on the other end. Now, the key turning is met with a sick feeling and an eye roll. Bickering becomes constant. The only real conversations are those regarding the children’s schedules. The days of snuggling on the same couch are long gone. If there is any time for television, it is either in separate rooms watching different shows; or the same room on separate couches.

Again, lack of communication. So now let’s take it to the next level. No communication leads to separate spaces which then leads to the extinction of intimacy. After all, why would you be romantically interested in someone if you hardly speak to them? You have just added another level of non-communication in a sexual way. Barely any communication of any kind then leads to methods of avoidance; workdays become longer, dinner meetings run over, any possible reason for you to avoid interaction is given. It reaches such a severe level that you truly don’t know what to say to each other if you are alone.

Some people try to keep things cluttered and completely ignore the huge pink elephant in the room. They busy themselves with kids’ activities; and host as many parties and social events as possible. They may even seem like the “perfect couple” to on-lookers, but that is just the pretty picture they portray. For example, take a Monet- beautiful from afar, but fake and not so attractive the closer you look.

No sooner is the communication chain broken both verbally and intimately, do you start to criticize your significant other. You begin to pick on every little thing that, all of a sudden, bothers you about them.

“She doesn’t even put on makeup anymore.”

“He has man boobs and a sunken ass.”

“She packed on the pounds.”

“He drinks too much.”

Anything that bothers you in the slightest way has become an annoyance tenfold its amount. This person that you were once so enamored with, now completely turns you off; and little quirks that have always been present, now irritate the ever, loving, crap out of you. Ironically, the things that attracted you to each other in the first place, eventually become the things you hate the most.

I remember my husband used to love the fact that I was tough and protective of those I loved. I would get extremely heated if I felt someone was out to hurt them. However, years later, that same attitude turned him off. There was a child constantly “pinching” my daughter at school. She came home very upset one day and I immediately lost it. I marched right back up to school with both kids and went straight to the principle’s office. I boldly explained the situation and demanded actions be taken to resolve it. Needless to say- it was addressed properly.

The mother of the child apologized to me and reprimanded her son. The boy also wrote my daughter an apology letter. Ironically, I think the little boy had a crush on my daughter, but I digress. Instead of being happy that I defended my child and made her feel safe, my husband commented, “how can you just barge into the school like that? What are you a gangster?” My reply, “Yes, when it comes to my kids, YES I AM.” The previous feelings of admiration do not exist. You become condemned for the person you always have been but for some reason, it is no longer acceptable.

Now is the stage where the excuses become pattered. Any reason you can think of to avoid contact with your partner is given.

“I don’t feel well.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“I have my period.”

It becomes so bad, you even start using the kids as your “get out of sex card free pass.”

“The kids want me to lie with them. I’ll be down as soon as they fall asleep.”

Coincidently, you fall asleep too or at least pretend to- crisis averted. Then there are nights when you are positioned on your separate couches and you say a Hail Mary hoping he falls asleep. You quietly glance over and to your excitement, he has dozed off. Finally, you can relax; watch your chick flick and enjoy your night. As you unwind you start to question how things got this bad. You are nothing more than roommates, residing in the same house, co-parenting children.

divorce inked out

Available for purchase on Amazon

 

The post I Had a Great Marriage, Or So I Thought appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

My Marriage Exit Plan: I Hope You Find it Helpful

My Marriage Exit Plan: I Hope You Find it Helpful

It took over a year of planning and preparation, of course, hoping and praying I wouldn’t really have to pull the plug on my marriage. I did eventually have to and I hope you’re able to learn from my experience.

The post My Marriage Exit Plan: I Hope You Find it Helpful appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

Avoiding the Mistake of the Middle Marriage:  Your Brain on Divorce

Avoiding the Mistake of the Middle Marriage: Your Brain on Divorce

Meditating for even a few minutes daily has been shown to positively calm anxiety and increase clarity of thought. It’s certainly better for you than rushing into a middle marriage!

The post Avoiding the Mistake of the Middle Marriage: Your Brain on Divorce appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

bad outweigh the good in your marriage

Does The Bad Outweigh The Good in Your Marriage?

bad outweigh the good in your marriage

Does the Bad Outweigh the Good in Your Marriage?

 

Does every situation, no matter how seemingly trivial, evolve into a fight?

Do you or your spouse continually refer to hurtful events in the past?

Is all the respect gone from your relationship? Do you feel it is impossible to bring that respect back?

Have your goals and directions changed but your spouse stayed the same?

Is your spouse no longer encouraging your independence and individual growth?

Have you and your spouse both changed so much that you no longer share moral, ethical, or lifestyle values?

Have you and your spouse lost the art of compromise? When you disagree, are you unable to create a path together that is acceptable to both?

Do you and your spouse have a basic sexual incompatibility?

Do you find yourself no longer attracted to your spouse?

Despite help from a professional therapist, marriage educator or coach have you stopped making love, continued to argue and seen no change in the dynamics between the two of you?

The above questions focus on the negative aspects of the marriage. You can’t say for sure that you are ready for divorce without first taking into consideration any positive aspects.

Conflict and frustration due to marital problems can skew our view of the benefits of marriage, especially when compared to some of the negative aspects of divorce.

Have you considered the following and come to terms with the changes divorce will mean in each situation?

Post Divorce Parenting and Isolation:

If you have a child have you taken into consideration the possibility of becoming the primary caregiver on a day to day basis? For the custodial parent, divorce means parenting on your on for the majority of the time. It is an intense responsibility; truly single parenting is the hardest job one can do so think carefully before voluntarily taking on that responsibility.

On the other hand, if you are to become the non-custodial parent have you considered the pain to both you and your child of no longer being part of their daily life? For non-custodial parents, divorce means a part-time, every other weekend relationship with children. This should be your most important consideration before taking any steps toward divorce.

Divorce doesn’t only end the marriage; it changes relationships that were established due to the marriage. Will you miss your in-laws, neighbors, if you have to move, and any friends who could be considered his /her friends?

The Downside of Being Newly Single

Have you given any thought to the solitude and loneliness that come along with being newly single? It takes time to rebuild a life, in the beginning, there will be more solitude and time to yourself. If you are someone who doesn’t like time alone make sure you have a good support system of friends and family in place before moving on to divorce.

If you can honestly say that you’ve taken all the above into consideration and are sure you are ready for the next step then, you are at a point of acceptance which is a significant sign that it is time to divorce.

The post Does The Bad Outweigh The Good in Your Marriage? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

Divorce for Female Entrepreneur

5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs & How to Save Your Marriage

Divorce for Female Entrepreneur

 

The life of an entrepreneur is an exciting one. Female entrepreneurs learn to be tech-savvy, hone interpersonal skills, and manage money as they build their business. But there is one downside to the entrepreneurial life that is all too common for married businesswomen. Getting a divorce!

Building an empire (even if only from your living room) is fantastic, but your spouse may not always feel that way. Statistics show that for every 1000 US women, 16 will end up divorced each year. These are not great odds for those looking to marry their forever person.

So, what about a strong female pursuing her professional dreams? Does her professional aspiration put her marriage in jeopardy? These are the 5 most common causes of divorce in entrepreneurs and 3 steps to take to make sure your marriage stays strong and healthy as you follow your dreams.

5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs

1. Not Enough Quality Time Together

Women entrepreneurs are passionate and feisty so it’s no surprise that they put their whole being into building their businesses. But sometimes this passion comes at the cost of their marriage.

Research indicates that couples need a 3:1 ratio of happiness to succeed in marriage. And when are couples most happy? Studies say it’s when they are spending quality time together. In fact, survey results revealed that couples experience a boost in happiness and a decrease in stress when they are spending alone time together.

When you are putting all of your strength and energy into your business, there’s little left at the end of the day for your spouse. Not spending quality time together can be a real relationship killer.

2. Added Stress

As wonderful and exciting as marriage is, it can also be an incredibly stressful experience at times. In-laws, maintaining a romantic connection while raising a family, buying a house, and other ins and outs of your daily routine can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Now, on top of all of these normal aspects of marriage, throw running your own business into the mix and you’re in for some stressful times ahead.

When couples don’t form a strong partnership as a unit, this stress can drag the relationship down.

3. Financial Worries

One study surveyed 748 instances of conflict between 100 different couples and found that money was the most repetitive and salient topic they argued about.

This survey highlights how tricky the topic of money can be in a marriage. Especially if you don’t have enough of it. Research shows that low-income couples are more likely to be affected by stress and mental health issues than other couples.

Starting your own business is certainly an adventure, but it’s also a big risk. Working for yourself, especially if you are just starting out, means that you won’t have a steady income for quite some time. You may not even be able to take a paycheck for several years.

Not only does this put a strain on your household finances, but it may also force your spouse to become the breadwinner of the family. They can cause resentment and anxiety to form within the marriage.

4. Not Leaving Work at the Door

One of the biggest problems for both men and women entrepreneurs is the inability to create a work-life balance.

Because you work for yourself, there is no way to “clock out” of your job. Getting back to work after a long day is as simple as picking up your smartphone and answering emails. This behavior is great for your business and bad for your marriage.

In a survey of 308 adults, 46.3% admitted to feeling ignored when their partner is on their smart device. This “phone snubbing/phubbing” practice has been shown to lower relationship satisfaction.

Furthermore, studies show that spending too much time on your smart device and social media can threaten real-life communication, even with family and close loved ones.

5. Lack of Stability

Research shows that 90% of startups will fail. This is a frightening fact for most entrepreneurs, not to mention their spouses.

When most people get married, they expect a certain standard of living. That isn’t to say they expect to sleep on a bed of hundred-dollar bills, but they want to come home to a loving spouse, perhaps buy a home or start a family together.

But when married to an entrepreneur, there is no stability. There are no set hours for work, no guarantee that they will be there to support the household or engage in family life.

What a Marriage Needs to be Successful for Female Entrepreneurs

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. All couples are bound to go through some lulls throughout their relationship, but this doesn’t mean your love is destined for divorce.

Here are 3 key tips for keeping your marriage alive as a female entrepreneur.

1. Open Communication

In a survey of 886 troubled couples, 53% admitted a lack of communication as one of the most common reasons for filing for divorce.

This statistic highlights the importance of talking openly and honestly with your spouse.

Communication is the basis of every strong relationship. Not only does communication help couples get to know one another better, but it also helps partners avoid miscommunications and grow closer.

If you are going through a stressful time trying to get your business off the ground, don’t shut your partner out. Talk to them about what you’re going through. This will help them understand your emotions and behavior. When your spouse knows what’s going on in your life both emotionally and otherwise, it also gives them an opportunity to show you their love and support.

2. Putting the Marriage First

For women entrepreneurs, their business is their baby. They would do anything to care for it and ensure its success in the world.

Many times this passion and drive to put the business first causes entrepreneurs to put their spouse on the backburner.

Not being a priority can make a spouse feel hurt, betrayed, and neglected. This can lead to serious relationship problems.

Don’t let your business come before your spouse. Or at the very least, make sure they are on equal footing.

3. Quality Time Together

Having a regular date night will strengthen your marriage for years to come. Research conducted by the National Marriage Project found that there are both emotional and physical benefits to spending quality time with your spouse on a regular basis.

The research results showed that couples who practice date night one or more times a month experience more eros in their relationship. Eros refers to the romantic love that we often feel during the beginning stages of a new relationship that creates excitement, overwhelming attraction, and passion for each other.

A regular date night also strengthens commitment and reduces stress in a marriage. The study goes on to say that couples will also experience an increase in sexual satisfaction and that “spouses who experience high levels of couple time are significantly less likely to report that they are prone to divorce.”

Women entrepreneurs put their heart and soul into building their businesses. This is great for your professional life, but don’t let it be a drain on your marriage. Make time for your spouse, learn to create a work-life balance, and communicate openly. These keys will help you avoid the curse of entrepreneurs – divorce.

The post 5 Causes of Divorce for Female Entrepreneurs & How to Save Your Marriage appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

happiness in marriage if you

3 Ways To Find Happiness In Marriage If You’re a Woman

happiness in marriage if you're a woman

 

I don’t have studies to back up what I’m about to say but, I’m going to say it anyway. I do a lot of reading and research about divorce and why people divorce. The number one complaint I hear from women about why they chose divorce is, inevitably, “I was no longer happy.” Their marriage wasn’t making them happy, their husband wasn’t making them happy, the way they viewed that moment in time in their lives didn’t make them feel happy.

The running theme is, for some reason, women expect their happiness to come from without, not within. When they settle into marriage and the daily humdrum of raising children, making a living and holding a marriage together women become disenchanted because it turns out, marriage isn’t a fairytale and no one will live “happily” ever after.

According to Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, “Happiness is at least 50% genetic. Positive psychologists tend to acknowledge a much weaker version of the happiness set-point view and often point out that even if genetics determines about half of our happiness, the rest is caused by factors that we can control to some extent; our circumstances (about 10%) and our intentional activities, such as the way we choose to think about things (about 40%).”

Let’s break that down, genetics is 50% responsible for how happy a person feels. Circumstance is 10% responsible and how one chooses to think about their circumstance is 40% responsible. It isn’t my intent to diminish anyone’s feelings BUT unless you are married to an abuser, alcoholic or slacker it is possible that these women aren’t happy because of genetics or the way they choose to think about their circumstance and, not as a result of a bad marriage.

As my grandmother used to say, women who divorce because they are no longer happy could be “throwing the baby out with the bathwater.” Getting rid of the thing that could bring them the most happiness by divorcing, in pursuit of some skewed idea of what it means to be happy or, what happiness actually is.

How to Find Happiness in Marriage If You’re a Woman

Happiness is a state of mind, not of circumstance. If you want a happy marriage, you have to make it a happy marriage. Happiness doesn’t magically occur when he stops working 50 hours a week and spends more time with you and the children. It won’t magically occur when the children are grown or there is enough money to cover all the bills. It won’t be found in regular date nights or, snuggling on the couch every night watching romantic comedies.

Your life, inside your marriage, is now, today, dealing with what comes your way and how you choose to think about what it takes to get you through the day. Happiness comes from determining to feel good about whatever life dishes out on any given day. It’s about attitude.

If a woman is blessed with a loving husband who works hard to provide and children who work hard at driving her crazy she is going to find happiness in those blessings because she chooses to view them as such. To be happy one has to allow that 40% positive attitude to hold more authority than the 10% negative attitude about her situation.

Get over thinking someone owes you happiness. Or, that some outside force can “make” you happy. Husbands and children can impact how happy you feel but, ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. If the drudgery of working, being a wife and mothering is sapping your energy and ability to feel happy it is your job to introduce activities into your life that balance those obligations with activities you enjoy.

Most women become unhappy in marriage because they lose their identity to the marriage and they put their needs second to the needs of their husband and children. That is a rule book written by women and it is full of rules that need to be broken. One way to do that, to stir the pot and not fall victim to the antiquated idea that your needs aren’t important is to simply, get out and do things you like to do.

Your children, marriage, husband, and home will not fall apart if you spend a few hours at an art class or, go to the gym daily to work out and keep your body and mind in shape. Women who are happily married have a life outside the marriage, husband, and children.

I have a friend who takes a yearly, weeklong vacation away from her role as wife and Mom. She also maintains a popular blog about women’s issues and writes daily. That is her life and passion, something she does for herself that in no way is related to her role as someone’s wife and mother. Do something, on a daily basis that brings you a sense of joy, is an escape from the whining children and constantly working husband. If you do, you will have a deeper appreciation for your own sense of autonomy AND the daily drudgery that is marriage and raising a family.

Be your authentic self. Did you go into marriage with a set of rules about the kind of wife and mother you want to be? Are the rules realistic? Can you eat off the floors, are the beds made daily, your children dressed and spat shined? Do you have a routine you follow from the moment your feet hit the floor in the morning until your head hits the pillow at night?

That image you have in your mind about the perfect wife and mother may play a role in unhappiness you feel. Why not give yourself a break and be yourself, not who you think you should be for your children and husband but, yourself. If that means not making the beds daily, so be it. If it means sitting your children in front of cartoons in the morning while you journal or meditate, go for it.

Let go of the need to keep up with your own false image of who a good wife and mother is and allow your own personality to drive the kind of wife and mother you are. Your husband and your children will benefit by getting to know the real you. You will benefit by being able to relax and let go of some silly preconceived notion and living your own reality.

Adjusting your attitude, taking responsibility for your own happiness and living authentically may lead to things like, a husband who comes home early from work because he enjoys the company of a wife who is upbeat and happy.

A lot of research has been done on attraction and it all points to the fact that people are attracted to others who are friendly, happy and self-confident. If you have a full life, interests of your own and don’t need anyone or any institution to “make” you happy, guess what, you will be happy. You don’t need to leave your marriage to find happiness, you only need to make a few adjustments.

And, those adjustments will promote and change in the way your husband and children react to and engage with you. It’s a simple way of taking away the need to divorce because you are, “no longer happy.”

Disclaimer: This article does not apply to women living in abusive marriages where they are in danger of physical harm or death.

The post 3 Ways To Find Happiness In Marriage If You’re a Woman appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

reason your marriage fizzled out

Why Thrill Is Gone: 10 Reason Your Marriage Fizzled Out

reason your marriage fizzled out

 

Marriages fizzle and die a slow death for the most innocuous reasons. Most marriages don’t succumb to an affair or midlife crisis. Most go the way of divorce because spouses fail to pay attention to the simple things that keep a marriage humming along and both spouse’s happy.

Below are 10 Reasons Your Marriage Fizzled Out:

1. Lack of Enjoyment in The Relationship

If the marriage and relationship become dull and predictable both spouses will lose interest. When both spouses work at keeping things exciting and fun the marriage has a better chance of lasting. When it turns into Football every Sunday and shopping with the girlfriends instead of spending time with each other engaging in new experiences the marriage will slowly die.

2. A Lack of Boundaries in The Relationship

Setting boundaries is an important part of any healthy relationship. If you aren’t willing to tell your spouse what you will and will not tolerate in the marriage, how will your spouse know what lines can and can’t be crossed?

Most feel that boundaries are about settling limits on the other person’s behaviors. In reality, boundaries are YOU setting YOUR limits and then not hanging around when YOUR boundaries are crossed. For example:

“I feel belittled when you tease me in front of friends. Next time this happens I will tell you, in front of our friends that I feel belittled and I will remove myself from the conversation.” Then, next time you are belittled or, whatever behavior it is your spouse does that upsets you, live up to the boundary you set.

3. Taking The Relationship For Granted

I heard a bride say, “Now that we are married, he can never leave me.” Think again! The moment your spouse becomes your sure thing, your marriage begins to die. It is human nature to pay less attention to things we are sure of. Not paying attention to whether or not the marriage is in good shape and your spouse is happy is a great way to end up with a bad marriage and unhappy spouse.

4. A Failure to Communicate…Properly

My ex and I used to take great pride in our ability to communicate. What we were doing was talking circles around each other and not solving problems in the marriage. When having crucial conversations about the relationship, keep in mind that men and woman have different styles of communication. Women are emotional communicators, men are logical communicators. Learn how to decipher what your spouse is saying and where they are coming from.

5. Financial Difficulties or, Not Being on The Same Page, Financially

If both spouses aren’t involved in and aware of the financial realities of the marriage this is an invitation for trouble. In most marriages, one or the other spouse takes charge of paying the bills and keeping tabs on the money. That is all good and well but, both spouses should be aware of where they, as a couple, stand financially. And, there should be an understanding of who spends what and what it is spent on. If not, one spouse can spend a marriage into divorce court.

6. Engaging in Power Struggles as a Couple

Marriage is give and take. At times one spouse will give more than the other, but for the health of the marriage, the pendulum should swing back and forth. Couples get into trouble when one wants to have power over the other and there is a constant battle with that spouse trying to exert dominance. In successful marriages, spouses are willing to share the power, not fight over it.

7. Lack of Sex

Physical intimacy is what bonds a couple together. Without it, spouses become roommates instead of husband and wife. It is true that sexuality or the desire for intimacy increases and decreases based on many things. Women age and hormones are decline, men work too much and come home too tired for sex.

It is beneficial for your marriage and relationship bond to make time for sex unless you are feeling abused or neglected by your spouse. In those situations, I encourage communication in the case of neglect and, leaving the marriage in the case of abuse.

8. Losing Your Sense of Self

It is easy, especially for women who do not work outside the home to lose themselves in the marriage and family. I would venture to say that this is probably the number one reason for gray divorces. Women raise their children, support their husband and his work and hit middle age with no idea who they are and what to do with their empty nest.

Each spouse needs to take time away from the other and the children to engage in activities they find fulfilling and help them maintain a sense of who they are outside the marriage and role of spouse and parent.

9. Becoming the Nagging Wife

Sorry ladies but, you are married to an adult, not a child. Yes, you may feel it is his job to mow the lawn but if he fails to do so nagging him won’t get him behind a mower. It will cause him to resent you and resentment in a marriage is a sure-fire killer.

If your husband doesn’t fix the leaking faucet, pay a plumber. If the deck needs to be stained and he ignores your request to do so, hire someone to get the job done. When he takes a look at the finances and sees that it will cost him less to get out and get those jobs done he will get busy. And, he won’t be able to accuse you of being a “nagging wife.”

10. Smothering Your Spouse

I have a friend who would cut her husband’s meat if he would allow her. Every shirt is starched to perfection, every lunch packed with nutritious meals and she is aware of every move he makes throughout his day.

Yes, you love your spouse but, that is no reason to treat them as if they can’t care for themselves or to feel you should be joined at the hips. Give your spouse space don’t keep them on a short leash and you will both be happier. In turn, you will have a better marriage.

The post Why Thrill Is Gone: 10 Reason Your Marriage Fizzled Out appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

marital compatability

Marital Compatibility: What Couples Get Wrong About Marriage

marital compatability

 

Emily Cowen, a musical artist I enjoy sings, “Even though we just met, these feelings are so beautiful, you and me were meant to be together.” And that is where “love” songs get love wrong. You’ve just met, the feelings are beautiful so, goodness gracious, you must be meant to be together.

Wrong!

Long-lasting marriages and relationships aren’t based on beautiful feelings. They strive because of compatibility and the unique differences both genders bring to the relationship and how well each can resolve a conflict.

A bit about marital compatibility

Let’s look at the role compatibility plays in lasting marriages.

Initial compatibility, the butterflies and raging hormonal attraction is not a good indicator of how successful a marriage will be. That immediate chemical attraction felt with someone new isn’t concerned with the other person’s value system, personality characteristics or those other beliefs and personality traits that bond a couple together for the long-term.

Attraction and butterflies are important if a marriage is going to stand the test of time, but what is more important is a couple’s common plan for what direction the marriage will take and what role each will play in the marriage.

What does marital compatibility look like?

Friendship: Are you friends with your spouse?  Is there a sincere likeness and level of comfort? Successful couples enjoy spending time with each other. It is this friendship that can be the foundation for solving problems as they arise in the marriage.

Role expectations in the marriage: This isn’t only about how household responsibilities will be handled. It’s also about how spouses treat each other. Very few conversations about role expectations come up when in the throws a brand new relationship. Roles will form naturally as time goes on or the couple will define what role they will play in the relationship. If you aren’t happy with the role you play, there isn’t much hope for the marriage.

My son’s new wife isn’t a domestic goddess. She teaches nursing at a local university and is working on her Ph.D. She is more interested in cerebral pursuits than what art is hung on the walls or, cleaning the kitchen. My son, on the other hand, loves his career but also loves to cook and keep the house tidy. I tease my new daughter-in-law and tell her she has a “fine wife.”

Before marrying they discussed who would do what and they now not only enjoy each other intimately, they are both quite comfortable with how the household is run and the role each plays in the decision making process. It’s an equation for success!

Emotional honesty: Successful spouses trust each other, they feel safe being vulnerable and when discussing their feelings. There is an emotional give and take. When one spouse is in need, the other is there for them and vice versa.

Sexual expectations: Setting these expectations is not only about how frequently a couple will be intimate. It is important, very important that they both be on the same page about sexual frequency but there are other aspects of a sexual relationship that need to be defined. Not everyone is on board with experiencing every sexual act known to man. Defining what you are and aren’t comfortable with sexually is imperative, right out of the gate. Couples who have similar sexual expectations experience more bonding with each other which sets them up for long-term success as a couple.

Shared goals: Mutually committing to and following a path you both agree on is something successful couples do. Do you want children, how will they be raised if you do? What is more important, spending money on furthering education or saving money for a down-payment on a house? Common shared goals and values are things that are the foundation for a strong marriage.

Most successful marriages come about because both partners came into the relationship with similar belief systems and values that match. This makes it easier for two people to reach agreements on issues such as sexual intimacy, gender roles and to be easily emotionally open with each other.

This isn’t to say that a solid marriage is made up of only couples with good qualities. Two people who avoid conflict, have hot-blooded temperaments and prefer to go with the flow can also make marriage work, as long as they are both on the same page.

The post Marital Compatibility: What Couples Get Wrong About Marriage appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>

3 Challenges to a Marriage of Empty Nest Syndrome

3 Challenges to a Marriage of Empty Nest Syndrome

If you have children, it’s inevitable and is something that couples will have to face sooner or later.

The post 3 Challenges to a Marriage of Empty Nest Syndrome appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

Read More –>

5 steps to take when leaving a bad marriage

5 Steps To Take When Leaving a Bad Marriage

5 steps to take when leaving a bad marriage

 

Leaving a bad marriage is not easy so if you’ve decided you want a better life and are putting an end to a toxic marriage, bravo! Recognizing that you’re in a bad situation is hard enough but then respecting and loving yourself enough to say you’re truly done is daunting but doable if you are truly ready to leave.

Here are 5 steps to take when leaving a bad marriage: 

1. Therapy

Can you afford therapy? If you’re leaving a bad marriage, you will need support and to work through the issues that have built up during the marriage. Another great reason to try therapy? When leaving a bad marriage, you may be tempted many times to go back to your ex and a therapist can support you on your journey towards a healthy you and either rebuilding a healthier marriage or, a healthier life ahead outside of the marriage. Many therapists will work on a sliding scale and if you cannot afford it, try speaking to someone you trust like a pastor or rabbi, etc.

2. Finances

Are you working or, are you a stay-at-home parent? If you aren’t, will you need to support yourself?  Most likely the answer is yes so start applying to jobs, even if you find something that’s simply right for the meantime. Any bit of money earned is a step towards your independence, which is crucial when leaving a bad marriage.

If you’re already working and you are the breadwinner of the family, stop and consider how divorce will impact your earnings. Speak to a local attorney and find out your state’s laws on child support and spousal support.

Let’s also not forget any debt you and your soon-to-be-ex may have. Are you prepared for how that could be divided during a divorce? Important things to consider.

More financial factors:

  • Do you have a bank account in your name only? If not, open one. What about a credit card? Open one as well.
  • If you’re a stay-at-home parent, can you brush up your resume because you will need to work after divorce? And can you find family or loved ones to help with childcare when you return to work?

3. See a Lawyer

If you are determined to divorce and your spouse isn’t willing to use a mediator, which is a more affordable option than a litigated divorce. Most lawyers will do free consults and will give you a decent idea of what you are heading into financially and if you have children, with regards to custody. It never hurts to be prepared and no: don’t tell your partner you’re consulting with a lawyer!

4. Line Up the Troops

If you have kids, start lining up support now. It is hard being a single parent so having family and/or friends, who will help you and your kids through the transition, especially if it’s an ugly toxic marriage, will be immeasurable. Some family may have a hard time agreeing with your situation even if the marriage is that bad, so tell family members you can count on to be helpful on this journey.

5. Mantras/ Stress Outlets

Ending a marriage whether it was a good or bad marriage is emotionally taxing. Start finding ways to decompress whether it’s through meditation, yoga, reading, weekly meet-ups with a friend for a beer, coffee, a football game, or a manicure, or going for a run.

Even more pressing, start to work on your way of thinking and how you view yourself and your ability to handle divorce stress. Daily positive mantras such as: “I deserve a better life” or “This will get better” or “I am whole on my own” are good ways to mentally train yourself to want better for yourself and help you through the dark periods of separation and divorce.

The bottom line? You deserve to be happy and if your bad marriage is not fixable, don’t feel bad about walking away.

The post 5 Steps To Take When Leaving a Bad Marriage appeared first on Divorced Moms.

Read More –>