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5 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce During COVID-19 Webinar

5 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce During COVID-19 Webinar

In the fourth episode of the domestic litigation firm Cordell & Cordell’s ongoing webinar series on divorce during COVID-19, a panel of divorce attorneys across the United States discuss the five biggest mistakes men make when facing divorce during the pandemic and how to avoid them.

Cordell & Cordell CEO/Managing Partner Scott Trout talked
with a panel of six Cordell & Cordell divorce lawyers who gave tips and
strategies for men and fathers going through divorce during this difficult
time.

Cordell & Cordell has hosted numerous webinars and seminars
through the years based on Co-Founder and Principal Partner Joe Cordell’s
book “The 10 Stupidest
Mistakes Men Make During Divorce (And How to Avoid Them).”
During the
Coronavirus pandemic, those mistakes can be magnified as the divorce process is
further complicated by quarantine and stay-at-home orders. More than ever, men
and fathers facing divorce are finding themselves in vulnerable situations.

“Coronavirus has given parents, if there’s not a current
order, this ability to deny parenting time,” said Cordell & Cordell
Regional Managing Attorney Doug Anderson,
who is a divorced father of four, “and if they deny parenting time and you’re
losing parenting time from when you move out to whenever you get to present
your case in a hearing, that could go very negatively on your side.

Cordell & Cordell is committed to providing men and
fathers the resources they need to make informed decisions to help protect
their rights during this uncertain time. In addition to hosting free weekly
webinars, Cordell & Cordell is producing daily podcasts answering submitted
questions about divorce during COVID-19. You can find all past webinars and podcast
episodes on the Cordell
& Cordell COVID-19 and Divorce Information Hub
.

Should you be facing a divorce or family law issue during this time, it is vital to get in touch with a divorce attorney as soon as possible. As an added safety and convenience measure, Cordell & Cordell is offering virtual and phone consultations in all offices.

Related Coronavirus coverage:

Free Webinar: Can the Coronavirus Affect Custodial Rights? How
Divorces and Parenting Time May Be Impacted

Cordell &
Cordell Continuing Weekly COVID-19 And Divorce Webinar Series

Can I Make up Lost Parenting Time due to the COVID-19 Pandemic?

Coronavirus and Child Custody: Co-parenting During the Pandemic

Expect Divorce Rates to Rise After Coronavirus

Can I Proceed With Divorce if a Stay at Home Order is in
Effect?

Should
my Custody Order be Temporarily Adjusted During the Coronavirus Pandemic?

Will I be Able to Meet With my Divorce Attorney During the
Coronavirus Pandemic?

Facing Child Custody Concerns During the Coronavirus Pandemic

How Can I Keep My Child Safer With a Co-Parent in the Medical
Field During COVID-19?

The post 5 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce During COVID-19 Webinar appeared first on Dads Divorce.

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women initiate divorce more than men

Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men?

women initiate divorce more than men

 

2015 study by the American Sociological Association found that women initiate two-thirds of all divorces, a staggering 69% to be exact. College-educated women initiate divorce at an even higher rate: 90%. This begs the following question:

Why do women initiate divorce more than men?

In my experience as a Women’s Empowerment Coach, I help women navigate the emotional turmoil of divorce. This would make me a pretty “pro-divorce person.” I myself divorced once. Usually, when a woman comes to me, they have already decided to divorce. But there are times that I wonder if that divorce was necessary, or was it just easier?

Last week, during my field research, I met a woman (OK, it was my makeup lady at Ulta) who immediately started to describe her marital woes to me upon my telling her of my vocation. When she told her husband she wanted a divorce, he suddenly started to do all the things she wanted him to do all along.

But in her words, “It was too little too late.” I then posed a question to her to try to get her to think harder about it: “What would happen if, instead of it being too late, you went all in? A last-ditch effort maybe, but without any strings, expectations – just pure love for your husband and your child.” She was quiet and even seemed a little annoyed.

I said, “I bet when he walks into the room he doesn’t have to say or do anything and you are already annoyed, just by him breathing.” This stirred a laugh, and she told me I nailed it. Resentment seeped into their marriage like the black plague, impossible to cure but much easier to escape. In a marriage, resentment can grow with every annoying comment, every roll of the eyes, and with every failure to connect. Resentment is a marriage killer.

Women Crave Connection, but They Don’t Know How to Ask for it

Women seek closeness and vulnerability in a marriage where, under the veil of marriage, it is safe to be real and raw with our chosen one, or soul mate. When she reaches out for that connected feeling and is met with the “wrong” response, she lays a brick down. Then one day, the wall is too high to penetrate it.

In its simplest form, deep down, women crave connection with their partners – but many women have the erroneous belief that if their husbands really loved them, they would instinctively know what their wives wanted, so a man needs to be a proficient mind-reader to know how to satisfy their wife’s need for connection.

And what makes someone feel loved and valued varies hugely from person to person. For example, a dozen red roses every Friday may symbolize love and deep connection to one woman; to another, flowers mean nothing, but feeding and entertaining the kids so she can enjoy a long, peaceful bath means everything.

This is where the communication breakdown often occurs: women not saying what it is they want (“If he truly loved me, he’d already know what I want!”), and men not “getting it” (“I can’t do anything right as far as she’s concerned, so I might as well stop trying!”) So resentment festers and the walls go up.

The internal process for a woman usually starts with her wondering why she is so unhappy. She works on herself by reading self-help books. Maybe she seeks counseling, starts exercising, or does some form of self-development. At some point, she feels a little better, but something is still off. She may feel lonely, so she looks closer at the marriage.

Looking at the marriage under a microscope reveals a multitude of infractions. He doesn’t help around the house. He doesn’t do his share to take care of the kids. He doesn’t buy her gifts. He doesn’t spend time with her. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t connect with her at all. As a matter of fact, the marriage just feels empty to her as she investigates all of its faults.

Women have affairs too. Even though a husband’s infidelity is women’s #1 reason for divorcing, she, too, is very capable. But while infidelity is listed as the reason for divorce, what exactly was the reason for the infidelity? When I dig into that question with my female clients, they all have a similar version of “I felt so lonely.” Many times, the office romance is what made them realize this fact.

Whether or not there is infidelity, there is usually a point the woman reaches out to her husband to help “fix” things. Usually, the husband hears this and turns the blame back on the wife, or he somehow resists the criticism. After all, he thinks everything is just fine. Rarely does he hear it as the cry for help that it really is.

Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men? Men Think Everything’s Fine – Women Think the Ship is Sinking Fast

When fixing the marriage is met with resistance or even denial, the wife starts to think that a divorce is the only way to go. If he is not willing to work on it, then what else is she to do? This is the pivotal point where the word “divorce” is initiated into conversations.

Making the decision to divorce is never easy. By the time a woman says the words “I want a divorce,” she has most likely mourned the marriage and moved on, making it too late for reconciliation. This may leave her husband pretty blind-sided.

Even though the husband may feel a lot of grief, he still inflicts shame and blame, adding fuel to her fire. They both only see the faults that their spouse brings to the table, and refuse to look in the mirror.

If only he held her and asked her what she needed. If only he helped her a little more around the house and with the kids. If only he heard her complaints and took them seriously and made some changes. If only he did something nice for her to show his love for her. If only he held her without initiating sex. And if only then… he pleased her first.

Unfortunately, the last-ditch effort made by the husband often comes off as a little schizophrenic – or like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment he is buying her a meaningful gift, and the next moment he is furious and blaming. The couple may even go to counseling, only the madness continues because he is unable to look within for the changes needed. The marriage is unraveling fast now. Then and only then, she can no longer handle the anger, and the separation begins.

But what about the makeup lady whose husband really made the real effort? If only she could set aside the blackness in her heart that resentment built, scale that brick wall between them. If he could find a way to connect with her.

If only…

This article first appeared on DivorceMag.com

The post Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet?

Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet?

 

Do you seem to go from one toxic relationship to another?

Have you ever asked yourself, “Is there something wrong with me that makes me a target for narcissistic, toxic men?”

The answer is maybe and no!

There is NOTHING wrong with you but, you may have qualities and traits that make you attractive to narcissistic and toxic men. Like moths to a flame, these men flutter around you waiting for an opening.

These qualities and traits give the narcissist a foot in the door and leave you wide open for their manipulations.

5 Traits that Attract Narcissistic, Toxic Men

You’re trusting

You’re trusting with everyone from the get-go. People don’t have to earn your trust, you readily give it until proven it hasn’t been earned. Narcissists use this to their advantage.

You treat others with respect and expect the same in return

It is in your nature to treat others the way you wish to be treated. The narcissist returns this treatment during the love-bombing phase. They use it to reel you in and get you so emotionally invested that once the disrespect begins, you’re in too deep to extract yourself from the relationship.

You love unconditionally

You love unconditionally

In fact, you love to a fault! You may be in love with the idea of love.

Narcissists use this against you after the love bombing period. They know that no matter what they deprive you of in the relationship, you’re going to continue to love them.

You’re empathetic and compassionate

These traits make it easy for you to make excuses for the narc’s bad behavior. You make excuses for the narc based on his “victim” stories. He was molested by a priest, he was emotionally abandoned by his mother. And on and on. Being empathetic, instead of holding him accountable for bad behavior, you hold his mother or that priest accountable. You believe that love, your love, will heal those old wounds and he’ll become the person he was during the love-bombing phase again.

You have trouble setting boundaries

You fear setting boundaries because you fear abandonment. With family, friends, coworkers and romantic relationships, you allow people to take advantage of you. Due to this, you are easily manipulated by the narcissist, toxic man.

You know how you should be treated, you just fear vocalizing it.

The post Let’s Talk Divorce: Toxic Men: Are You a Narcissist Magnet? appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final

Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final

 

Life after divorce from a narcissist can be far more tumultuous than when you were married. After the divorce, life for the narcissist is all about creating drama, drawing attention to themselves and making your life as miserable as possible.

For you, life after divorce is about getting results, civility, co-parenting and attempting to get along with the narcissist.

And that is where you and the narcissist differ. The narcissist doesn’t care about civility, they care about you paying for some unspecified harm you’ve done to them. You’re an ethical person, a narcissist is an unethical person. For this reason, there can’t be a civil relationship post-divorce. The narcissist is going to insist on doing battle and there is no way you can win if you engage in a battle with a narcissist.

There will be no civil co-parenting, there will be no negotiating but you will be besieged with emotional turmoil if you attempt to play fair…which is in your nature to do.

The video above will help you understand what is happening if you’re in the midst of it or, help you prepare for what’s coming if you’re still in the process of divorce.

4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After Divorce

1. They make promises they have no intention of keeping.

This starts during the divorce process. They will sign a divorce settlement agreement promising to do this, that and the other thing with no intention to follow the final divorce decree. If you have a divorce decree that state’s the narcissist is to buy you out of your portion of the equity in the marital home within 9 months, those months will go by with the narcissist taking no steps to buy you out. You’ll be in and out of court attempting to get the narcissist to follow through with the court-ordered promises he made.

That is the method of operation for the narcissist, agree but don’t follow through.

2. They play the victim.

In order to play the victim, he needs a victimizer and, that is YOU. He will tell his sad tale to anyone who will hold still long enough for him to bend their ear. He will use his children, his relatives, your friends, his friends, your family, and his family in an attempt to appear to be the victim in your divorce story.

He needs to smear your name and character in order to play that role and, the icing on the cake, it leaves you with few people to offer you support during a time when you need it most.

Even if he is the one who left and wanted the divorce, he will find some way to become the victim of the divorce. Count on it!

3. They will try to exact revenge.

They will use your children against you. What better way to get revenge on a mother than turn her children against her? Some go as far as completely alienating children from their mothers. It’s not that they want the children but their desire to cause you pain and emotional harm trumps their feelings for their children.

If you’re in a relationship they will do everything in their power to stall that relationship or break it up. The last thing they want is for you to find happiness with another man!

Your narcissistic ex knows you, he knows what you hold most dear in life and, all bets are off when it comes to him using whatever that is the exact revenge on you.

4. They will become very passive-aggressive.

They will appear to negotiate, appear to be concerned, appear to be on board with whatever you need for yourself or their children. Until that is, it comes time to follow through on what they’ve agreed to. They bait and switch you after you’ve given the very information they needed to be able to withhold what you or their children need from them.

This can be very confusing but, expect it!

What can you do about their games?

Don’t do what they want you to do…engage with them!

Don’t retaliate! They want to anger you, piss you off, cause you to fight back. They want you to look like the nut. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Whatever he does or says, NEVER let him know that you even noticed he was being an asshole.

Stop expecting recognition of your or your children’s needs. Lower your expectations of your narcissistic ex as low as they will possibly go.

The only way to win the battle with a narcissist is to remove yourself from the battlefield.

The post Let’s Talk Divorce: 4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After The Divorce Is Final appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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what drives men to cheat

Emotional & Sexual Infidelity: What Drives Men To Cheat

what drives men to cheat

 

Webster’s defines infidelity as unfaithfulness to the marriage vow or contract; a violation of the marriage contract by adultery. If you have ever been the victim of a cheating husband, you know it is much more.

Infidelity is the breaking of trust that has negative consequences in every area of your life. The first step in surviving a husband’s infidelity is being able to rationalize and understand the actions that have caused so much harm.

There are two types of infidelity, sexual infidelity, and emotional infidelity:

Sexual Infidelity:

Sexual infidelity, as its name suggests, refers to sexual activities that are engaged in with someone other than one’s spouse. Activities that constitute sexual infidelity include all forms of physical intimacy, from kissing to sexual intercourse.

Emotional Infidelity:

Emotional infidelity refers to becoming emotionally involved with someone other than one’s spouse. Dr. Seth Meyers, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, describes emotional infidelity as “behavior that one partner engages in that fosters emotional intimacy in the here-and-now and sometimes promotes the possibility of sexual intimacy in the future.”

It all sounds fairly simple, huh? Either your husband did the hanky panky with someone else or he has put someone else’s emotional needs before your emotional needs. If you’ve been on the receiving end of either, the need to understand runs a bit deeper, doesn’t it?

It has been my experience, after coaching many women who were victims of infidelity, that the roots of the infidelity can generally be traced back to one of three underlying causes.

What Drives Men To Cheat

Fear:

Men who suffer emotional injuries during childhood are more likely to cheat on a spouse. Emotional childhood injuries may cause a fear of intimacy, a fear of commitment, and a fear of being unworthy of love.

If your husband has had problems with attaching himself to you intimately, was commitment-phobic, and suffers from low self-esteem, these traits probably played a role in his infidelity.

Loneliness:

Some men cheat because of the sense of loneliness they feel in the marriage. Usually, this type of man is not able to fully engage with his wife. He doesn’t fully participate in the relationship and is a sitting duck for any woman who can give him the companionship he feels is missing in his marriage.

Anger:

Are you married to a conflict avoider — a man who thinks that any show of disappointment by you is an affront to the relationship?

According to Emily M. Brown, author of Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, the conflict avoider is “terrified to be anything but nice for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment.” They don’t have a way to stand up to their spouse where there are marital problems, so the problems go unresolved and the marriage erodes.

This guy acts as if he is happy, everything is coming up roses and all the while, he is seething with anger inside. He is angry because you poked fun at his bald spot. We all know that a woman who truly loves her husband would never poke fun or so he believes.

He is angry because you failed to pick up his dry cleaning. You will be the last to know how angry he is, though, because of his skewed belief that his marriage is perfect and perfection means putting a lid on anger.

He doesn’t even realize how angry he is until he meets a woman who would never poke fun at his bald spot and never forget to pick up his dry cleaning. Not until she got comfortable in the relationship, anyway. Once she becomes comfortable and turns into a normal human being, he can go back to repressing anger again.

Whatever drives a man to cheat, be it fear, loneliness, or anger, it is important to know that the decision to cheat was his. Infidelity has nothing to do with a shortcoming on the part of his wife.

There are many things a wife can do to improve the quality of her marriage.

There is absolutely nothing she can do that will guarantee with 100 percent certainty that her husband will never cheat.

She can know though with 100 percent certainty that if he does cheat it is about him and whatever issues he is dealing with.

The post Emotional & Sexual Infidelity: What Drives Men To Cheat appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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narcissistic men fear the most

10 Things That Narcissistic Men Fear The Most

narcissistic men fear the most

 

Narcissists are not brave individuals. Despite their puffed up chest, they are scared little paper tigers that can easily be blown away by anyone who catches wind of their antics.

In this article, I will go over 10 things narcissists hate & fear the most.

I think you will find that their fears and hatred are comical in nature, as well as outstandingly pathetic.

10 Things Narcissistic Men Fear the Most

1. Shame

Shame is unpleasant for everyone but for the narcissist, it’s absolutely horrifying. The main reason is that shame could negatively impact his reputation and give him a lower status in his social circle.

Since narcissists live for being admired and their pride is of great importance doing something that could make the narcissist look bad in the eyes of others or make them feel ashamed is one of the most dreaded experiences for them.

2. Rejection

The narcissist usually puts on a mask so that they can be accepted and liked by others. They wouldn’t admit that anyone could be put off by their egotistic character.

If a person decides to leave the narcissist’s life, the latter will take it personally and will surely try to bring the other person back.

However, if they don’t succeed they’ll probably start slandering about their former friend.

The reason for such a behavior is that behind the narcissist’s fake attitude lies a frightened, little soul who is terrified that they aren’t good enough, but they would never say it openly. They’ll be likely to do whatever it takes to keep their reputation.

3. Failure

Narcissists fear failure or being outshined. They just can’t accept there’s someone out there who’s better than them. On top of that, if a narcissist can’t achieve their goal, they will always blame someone else about it, even if it is obvious that it’s entirely their fault.

They usually blame their closest people to have hindered them from succeeding. This is actually the only way to feel a bit better about their failure.

4. Getting Called Out on Their Lies

Narcissists are famous for lying or exaggerating certain things to make themselves appear more important or impressive. They also do this to make themselves feel better about their own standing in society.

So it’s only logical that one of a narcissists’ greatest fears is having those lies and exaggerations exposed. It’s not just that getting called out would bring them shame, or show them as less than what they are – it’s the fact that it reveals to the world how weak and insecure they really are.

It brings their whole fake world crashing down around them, and as already stated, narcissists think the world revolves around them. And while they are spinning their lies and exaggerations about their own accomplishments, part of them knows deep down that they’re stretching the truth. And from the minute they start telling these lies, they become incredibly paranoid about the fact that someone might one day uncover them. 

5. Feeling Remorse 

Another key characteristic of narcissism is the inability to feel remorse. It’s not just that they can’t feel remorse, it’s that they actively refuse to show remorse. This fierce rejection of the very notion of feeling bad about hurting others is indicative of very deep fear.

It’s a total denial of remorse. And why do they fear remorse so much? It’s simple. To them, remorse is a characteristic of weakness. Remorse, to them, shows vulnerability and emotional frailty. And to feel remorse is to open yourself up to that weakness.

Remorse is also in its basest form the acceptance that you have made a mistake. And for proud and haughty individuals such as narcissists, this can be unthinkable. More than that – it can be a major source of fear. Remorse is also a way of apologizing, and this is also unthinkable for self-aggrandizing people with narcissistic traits.

6. Feeling Gratitude

Another feeling that narcissists reject and fear is gratitude. Gratitude, like remorse, is another emotion that is perceived as a sign of weakness by people who are narcissistic. To the narcissist, gratitude is in a sense giving other people power over yourself.

It’s the acceptance that you owe something to someone. It also forces you to come to terms with the fact that you might have needed someone else’s help. To narcissistic people, they think of themselves as these all-powerful beings that rise far above others in superiority.

The acceptance that someone else did something valuable for them brings them crashing back down to earth. The notion that someone else gave them something they needed not only puts them on the same level as others, it also makes them feel like they’re weaker, or lower down on the social ladder. And this is one of the narcissistic man’s greatest fears.

7. Public Humiliation

When a narcissist feels that he’s losing face or failing at something in front of an audience, it creates a lot of psychological distress and cognitive dissonance. Narcissists are unable to tolerate failure of any sort and public humiliation is considered the worst type of failure that could happen.

A narcissist’s ego is an extremely fragile thing and when he feels he is being laughed at or is losing the respect of others, it can be tremendously upsetting. The narcissist’s ego is the only protection they have from the world and when their ego integrity is breached, narcissists often respond in ways that seem markedly out of proportion to the circumstances for average people.

Unfortunately, the ego of a narcissist is already so inflated that they never focus on self-growth when in relationships. Their own self-assessment of their worth and value confirm to them that they are already significantly evolved and accomplished.

They are unable to fathom why a partner may be disappointed in their behavior or in the relationship. By being so out-of-touch with the realities of relationships, their reaction to the dissatisfaction of their partners is driven by fear.

8. Abandonment and rejection.

Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. That’s why they fly into rages and punish and threaten you if you threaten to leave them, and love bomb you if you do manage to get away.

To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. To reject that false self negates their entire reason for existing since whatever true self they may have left is completely inaccessible to them and the false self cannot survive on its own; it’s completely dependent on the approval and attention of others, who it feeds from like a vampire.

When you reject a narcissist they are forced to confront their own emptiness and nothing scares them more than that. They will fight tooth and nail to avoid it, even if it means they have to destroy you in the process.

9. Being ignored.

This is a no-brainer. Ignoring a narcissist means giving them no supply at all, and without narcissistic supply, the narcissist dies a slow death. Or believes they will.

That’s why some narcissists would even rather being hated to being ignored. Negative attention is still attention, and at least it provides an acknowledgment that they still exist.

When you ignore a narcissist, it’s as frightening to them as being killed. They’re no longer confident they exist without your attention.

10. Exposure.

Exposing a narcissist and their false lives cause deep anger in them. Their anger might be expressed in rage or in more covert means such as the silent treatment or gaslighting you. They don’t like to be held accountable for the things they do to others, because that means they have to admit they are less than perfect.

It also means they have to acknowledge the humanity of someone else, which they aren’t capable of doing. Narcissists are all too aware of their imperfections, but only at the subconscious level, and the way they handle this is to project their own imperfections onto you.

So a narcissist might tell you that YOU are the narcissistic one, or that YOU are the abuser. They’re also good at getting others to side against you, and those people become their flying monkeys. They will accuse you of doing things that they themselves have done and everyone believes them and not you.

The post 10 Things That Narcissistic Men Fear The Most appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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fall in love with men who hurt you

Why Do You Always Fall in Love With Men Who Hurt You?

fall in love with men who hurt you

 

Do your romantic relationships bring out your insecurities and cause you to mistrust your own judgment? Do you always fall in love with men who hurt you? Many women become involved or even obsessed with the wrong men – men who are emotionally unavailable, with other women, addicted to substances – or who cannot love them back.

Do You Always Fall in Love With Men Who Hurt You?

This problem has been given many labels including codependency which can be defined as having underdeveloped self-esteem and dysfunctional boundaries, combined with inappropriate caring for others (letting others invade your boundaries). In the mid-1980s, Robin Norwood’s best-selling book “Women Who Love Too Much” offered women a guide to freeing themselves from destructive loving.

Many women consistently put other’s needs before their own and end up in one-sided relationships. The consequence for girls can be profound, with girls and women dismissing their own needs and ending up with a depleted sense of self, according to author Jill P. Weber. She posits that many girls learn to tune out their own inner voice due to their family experiences, and this prepares them for one-sided relationships in adulthood. Weber writes, “As a woman develops a strong core sense of self, fulfilling relationships will follow.”

Elizabeth, a beautiful and outgoing thirty-two-year-old, provided Kyle with unconditional love and did her best to make up for his dysfunctional upbringing by trying to meet his every need. After they moved in together, she cooked Kyle lavish meals and did all of the laundry in addition to working full-time and taking care of her five-year-old daughter.

Elizabeth reflects: “It took a breakup for me to realize that I was not responsible for Kyle’s happiness and can only truly make myself happy. He never treated me right and was unwilling to plan a future with me.” Elizabeth came to understand that she didn’t have any energy left for herself when she was so focused on Kyle’s well-being. Since their split, she has been able to return to college and finish her degree in nursing.

Ask yourself this question: Is there something about the way my guy treats me that makes me a bigger and better person? If the answer is no, ask yourself: Am I settling for less than I deserve in the relationship? Research shows that one of the main reasons why people stay in bad relationships is the fear of being single.  If this is the case, gently remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person regardless of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship.

Women who are attracted to men who hurt them often confuse chemistry and compatibility.

In fact, they are both essential to a long-lasting healthy intimate relationship.

  1. Chemistry: This usually refers to physical attraction but can include intellectual attraction as well. It is about how interesting and simulating you find the person. Do you enjoy each other’s touch and is their sexual chemistry? It’s essential because, without it, you are little more than friends.
  2. Compatibility: This is about sharing common values and goals, having fun together, and liking each other; it helps to sustain a couple through tough times.

Do you find yourself attracted to guys who you have good chemistry with, but not compatibility? Perhaps you grew up in a family where you were a caretaker or focused more on making others happy. Maybe you even felt that you had to be in a good mood regardless of your true feelings.

6 signs you are at risk of falling in love with men who hurt you.

  1. You become so absorbed in your partner’s problems you don’t often have time to identify or solve, your own.
  2. You care so deeply about your partner that you’ve lost track of your own needs.
  3. You feel that you grew up too fast in terms of your maturity or sexual activity.
  4. Growing up, were you often in a caretaker role with one or both parents or your siblings.
  5. Are you a people pleaser? If you have this tendency, you may find setting limits hard and you might have trouble asking for what you need from your partner. This is a pattern that starts in childhood but can be reversed.
  6. Do you feel that you have to be in a good mood or positive when you are with your friends, family, or intimate partner?

Many women are in one-sided relationships because they consistently put their partner’s needs before their own. Girls are often raised to focus on others and defer their own needs. Too often they are left with a depleted sense of self and they look to their partner for validation. Keep in mind that emotional intimacy is not emotional dependency. If your relationship causes you to be anxious or to question your sense of self, it may not be the best relationship for you.

Here are 6 ways to avoid hurtful, one-sided relationships:

  1. Seek a partner you can be yourself with and is easy to be close to. In other words, you don’t have to walk on eggshells. You feel safe in the relationship and free to express your thoughts, feelings, and desires openly without fear of rejection.
  2. Set an expectation of mutual respect. You can accept, admire, and respect each other for who you are. If you don’t have respect for your partner, it will eat away at chemistry until you have nothing left.
  3. Select a partner who is trustworthy.  Does he call when he says he is going to call?  Does he take you out when he says he is going to do so? When a man is interested in a woman, they keep their agreements.
  4. Make sure your guy carves out time for you on a regular basis and includes you in his inner circle. He makes you a priority because he values your relationship. This includes regular text messages or phone calls to show that he’s thinking of you.
  5. Don’t have sex with a partner who makes you feel insecure. A partner who truly cares about you is a boost to your self-esteem. He values you, gives you compliments, and encourages you to do things that are in your best interest.
  6. Select a partner who talks about your future together. If he says he’s not ready for a commitment, take him seriously – he’s just not that into you. Don’t waste your time on a relationship that doesn’t have a future.

In order to stray away from falling in love with me who hurt you, you have to focus on self-love. Unless we have self-acceptance and self-love, we cannot believe we are worth loving just as we are. We might try to prove our worth through giving too much to others and being overly tolerant and patient.  Author Jill P. Weber writes: “The more you view others’ mistreatment of you as something you have the ability to fix, tweak, or amend, the harder it is to develop a positive sense of yourself. Seeing yourself exclusively from the eyes of others disconnects you from the day-to-day, moment-to-moment experience of your life.”

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What Happens To Men Who Defy Divorce Court Orders? NOTHING!

divorce court order

What Happens To Men Who Defy Divorce Court Orders? NOTHING!

Over the years, I’ve spoken to many women whose ex-husbands were defying divorce court orders to pay child support. What most of them have learned when they take their ex back to court for contempt is that judges rarely throw a deadbeat in jail. They threaten to do so, but in my opinion, it isn’t often that a judge will follow through on a threat.

Not enforcing a court order undermines a woman’s ability to care for her children. For some reason though, a judge seems more concerned with how being jailed will negatively affect a deadbeat father. It isn’t only child support orders that aren’t enforced — in the Family Court System, it’s any order.

In September of 2014, my former husband and I finally went back to court on the post-majority expense issue and another issue having to do with housing. My ex was ordered to pay 93% of our son’s college expenses. He angered the judge by behaving arrogantly so the judge retaliated by slamming him with 93% of the expenses. However, with grants and scholarships, my former husband would have only had to pay a couple of thousand dollars a year. It wasn’t like the man was going to go broke helping his son with college expenses.

The judge also ordered him to follow through on the agreement he had made with me for housing dating back to September of 2010. The judge did something that I thought was very odd. He read into the court record what he had ordered and then he told both lawyers to get together and come to an agreement on how the order would be worded. Once the lawyers had come to an agreement, the judge would write the order and sign it.

My lawyer immediately contacted my ex-husband’s lawyer trying to come to an agreement on the wording. That wasn’t an easy task. When a man has been ordered to pay and do things he doesn’t want to do, his lawyer will drag his feet because the last thing he wants is an order signed by a judge.

I had a son in college who wasn’t getting any help from his father with his expenses and the housing issue was hanging over my head. I was constantly stressed over not knowing from one day to the next if I was going to lose my home. Nine months later, I was still stressed out.

Finally, after motions by my lawyer and threats from the judge, we had an agreement on the wording. In July 2015, the judge signed an order, nearly ten months to the day after we had gone to court. It was an order that my former husband never had any intention of following in the first place.

Shortly after leaving the marriage, my ex developed a sense of entitlement. Having children to care for emotionally and financially no longer fit into his agenda. He did the least he could do as far as supporting them and obstinately refused to do more even though it had been court-ordered. What he has done to them emotionally would cause the hair on the back of your neck to stand up.

He scoffed at the July 2015 court order just as he had all the other court orders. He was court-ordered to sign mortgage documents on a substitute home for his children. Instead, he went out within days of getting the order and signed mortgage documents for a home he was building for himself. It was a blatant snub and he got away with it.

I took him back to court for contempt of court…once again. The judge yelled at him and threatened to throw him and his lawyer in jail that day. The judge ruled from the bench in February of 2016 telling my ex that he had 60 days to comply with the original decree of divorce, which had been written in September 2010 or he would go to jail.

My ex never saw the inside of a jail and never will because judges don’t enforce court orders. To hell with those annoying written laws, the laws that mandate a judge punish someone for defying court orders. It’s those unwritten laws that determine what really happens when defiance occurs and nine times out of ten, nothing happens.

The post What Happens To Men Who Defy Divorce Court Orders? NOTHING! appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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6 Reckless Mistakes Men Make During Divorce

Don’t let your blown mind cause you to have to deal with the consequences of a divorce that blows your entire world apart.

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5 Reasons Some Men Love to Date Separated Women

Sexual freedom, no strings relationships, no pressure to get married. What’s not to like about dating a separated woman?

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