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narcissistic ex-husband

4 Things To Keep In Mind When Dealing With a Narcissistic Ex-Husband

narcissistic ex-husband

 

Marriage is meant to be a beautiful thing experienced between two individuals who care for and support one another as equals. It is a rarity for someone to be dealing with a genuinely narcissistic individual as a life partner, but these situations do exist.

There are times when even after the divorce has been finalized, the other partner still has to deal with their narcissistic ex-husband for one reason or another.

These reasons can include having mutual friends or even having children with each other. Regardless of why there are ways that you can keep your distance and deal with having to face your narcissistic ex-husband once in a while for reasons that are out of your control.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Ex-Husband

Keep Everyone Involved in Mind

Even if you were not married, there was still a “divorce” of sorts that took place between you and your now ex-partner. When two individuals decide to part ways, especially if they were together for a long period of time, it is generally more than just the two of them that are affected.

If you do not maintain boundaries for yourself, if you have children together, then this type of boundary-stepping can also affect the dynamic there. Being raised by a narcissist does its own kind of damage.

Maintain Your Personal Boundaries

By coming to the understanding that you have experienced a real separation for a purpose, it can become easier to deal with the definitive ending of your relationship with a narcissistic individual. Sometimes narcissistic individuals will try to hang on to some semblance of a relationship with their ex-spouses, even after the separation. If this is allowed to happen, then the relationship between them continues in a dysfunctional and unhealthy way.

Many narcissists like the idea of having multiple wives, in a sense. One to take care of their emotional needs and another to take care of their physical demands at home. Being firm with your ex-husband and setting boundaries between you can help to prevent this type of inappropriate “sister wife” situation from forming.

Personal Safety is Key

If you do not feel safe in your own home, then there are steps you can take to reestablish your sense of personal safety. Let’s say that you live in a home that you shared with your narcissistic ex-husband for many years. Perhaps he knows the home and the area like the back of his hand and you no longer feel comfortable living in the area, now that you have divorced.

Whether you have a restraining order on your ex-husband or not, there is no reason why you should have to live in a state of constantly looking over your shoulder. You can either choose to move to a new home or you can invest in something like a high-tech smart security system to protect yourself.

Remember That It’s Your Life

While you may have to interact with your narcissistic ex-husband, unless they are court-ordered to maintain a certain distance from you, that does not mean that you have to deal with them in any way outside of the necessary interactions. If you have to speak to your ex, due to matters having to do with your children or business-related manners, there is no reason to give in to any of their expectations on what they want from you beyond these short interactions.

Being polite and civil is different than spilling all of your most intimate information. You do not have to answer any of their personal questions if you do not feel comfortable in doing so. Since you are split up, there is no longer any reason why you should have to answer any questions they may have on your whereabouts, who you are seeing, and what you have been doing without them around.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

The post 4 Things To Keep In Mind When Dealing With a Narcissistic Ex-Husband appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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Thoughts to Keep in Mind when Co-Parenting With an Ex

Thoughts to Keep in Mind when Co-Parenting With an Ex

Keeping these things in mind may help co-parenting with your ex much smoother.

The post Thoughts to Keep in Mind when Co-Parenting With an Ex appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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telling your children about your divorce

9 Things To Keep In Mind When Telling Your Children About Your Divorce

telling your children about your divorce

 

It is only natural that as a parent you dread talking to your child about an impending divorce. Us parents want to protect and shield our children from emotional or physical harm BUT it is important that you take on the task at hand and do so in a way that helps your child cope with the fact that his/her parents have decided to divorce.

Sitting down and talking to your children about your divorce is the first step you will take in the divorce process. That talk could set the standard for how the rest of your divorce plays out and how well your children adjust to the divorce. Parents who care enough about their child to break the news gently and appropriately will also, more than likely, consider their child in each step of the divorce process.

Below are a few basic points to keep in mind when telling your child about your divorce:

Make a plan that involves Mom and Dad both being present when the talk is delivered.

Make sure that your child knows that he/she is loved by both parents. Instead of telling your child you no longer love each other, express how much you both love your child.

Explain to your child why there is going to be a divorce. You want to give age-appropriate explanations but most children are going to wonder “what happened” and have a right to an answer to that question. Share your feelings with your child and encourage them to share their feelings AND be willing to listen and validate their feelings.

If you have more than one child, talk to them as a group initially. Once all know the news take them individually so that you can learn what each child is feeling and thinking. Each child will respond differently, have different questions and concerns. Each should be able to express their concerns individually in a conversation with Mom and Dad.

How you talk to your child is as important as what you tell him/her. Be aware of your body language, your tone of voice and your behavior when the other parent is speaking. Don’t interrupt your spouse when he/she is speaking or allow conflict between the two of you to color the conversation you are having with your child.

Keep in mind that there is a difference in a child’s emotional understanding and intellectual understanding. They will process the news of your divorce emotionally at a different rate than is processed intellectually. Processing the news will take more time emotionally than intellectually. Due to this, you will be expected to have more than one conversation about the divorce based on your child’s emotional needs.

Encourage your child to ask questions but don’t be surprised if there are none. As the child processes the information there will be questions. Let your child know you are available to answer questions as they come up.

Be able to explain to your child what will happen to them once you separate or divorce. Provide plenty of details about where the child will live, how often they will see the other parent who will be moving from the family home. Your child will feel more secure if you are able to assure him/her that your divorce will not interfere with their stability or relationship with either parent.

Be willing to have the conversation over and over again. As your child ages, the questions they have will be different. There may be many conversations, some years down the road about your decision to divorce. Your child will become more sophisticated with age so be prepared to answer the hard questions that come with that sophistication. You will move on from your divorce, your child won’t. Just because you no longer think about it doesn’t mean your child doesn’t. Give them the right to the answers they need to help them deal with a situation that will impact them emotionally for years, if not decades to come.

Here is something every parent needs to understand about divorce…what you say to your child is less important than what you do once you decide to divorce. That first, second and third conversation are important but, “actions speak louder than words” so the way you parent and the example you set by your behavior will determine what the lasting effects of divorce are on your child.

The post 9 Things To Keep In Mind When Telling Your Children About Your Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.

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How To Respond To The Silent Treatment Without Losing Your Mind

How To Respond To The Silent Treatment Without Losing Your Mind

 

I remember those times…when he’d stonewall, wouldn’t speak, turn his phone off or disappear, and I would be in agony regarding how to respond to the silent treatment.

I know so many of you know this too; the absolute devastation of not just being abused, but then completely switched off from – as if you don’t exist.

So, how do we know how to respond to the silent treatment?

If you too have been through the feelings of despair, betrayal and the intense and uncontrollable panic of being discarded in this way…or if you are sick of the waiting around for days, weeks or even months before this person wants to talk (aka hoover you in again), then this article will help you a lot.

Before we get into this, however, I just want to remind you if you haven’t already, to sign up my free New Life Newsletter because, on top of the information I am sharing with you today, you will also gain much clarity and power in regard to dealing with the narcissist or any toxic person in your life – including the ones that do ‘the silent treatment’ with you!

 

The Torture of Having Our Focus On Them

I am not exaggerating when I tell you I have met people who haven’t heard from a person for years and live their life every day in the hope that they will.

I also know of people who are intermittently ignored, discarded, and then re-hooked with when the narcissist feels like it only to be discarded again like yesterday’s rubbish when the narcissist returns to the current partner, family member or spouse.

Of course, this person, in hope of the narcissist ‘coming back’, is only being used for narcissistic supply when other sources were too problematic or, as far as the narcissist was concerned, they should be punished.

Trying to work out someone else is Wrong Town – it means we lose power, hand our energy to someone we have no control over and become more disconnected, emptied out, traumatised and therefore out of control.

How to respond to the silent treatment does not include trying to work out whether or not someone ‘loves’ us, ‘misses’ us or has ‘any idea what they have done to us’ – please know I used to be a Master at this! If doing this, it means the state of relationship we are having with ourselves lies precariously with someone else. With all of our focus on them, we deny ourselves exactly what we need – the essential self-partnering to love and heal ourselves back to wholeness.

Can we please get very clear on this? If we are, as grown adults, traumatised and terrorised by how someone else isn’t loving us, caring about us and committing to us, it means we have some very deep work to do to heal our own relationship within – meaning our own levels of love, care and commitment to ourselves.

When you are discarded, ignored and given the silent treatment by a narcissist, this is a hot-spot time to feel emptiness, panic, rage, hurt and pain with no way of relief. The narcissist will only come back in when they know you have suffered intensely (and it suits their agenda).

Truly this is by soul design. This is happening FOR you and not TO you. There was never going to be a happy ever after in this relationship, whether the narcissist was ignoring you or not. This relationship, at your soul level, is not about the narcissist loving, caring and committing to you – it is and was always meant to be about you finally having NO choice other than to come home to do this for yourself.

 

Why Your Head Spins

When narcissists employ the silent treatment, it can be because they have performed a final discard – meaning there is no more narcissistic supply to gain from you. Maybe they have sucked out all they can and now you are too broken and unwell to supply more. Maybe they have found someone else who they feel they can gain more from.

Maybe you ended the relationship and they know that you’ve woken up from the trance and are no longer food on the table for them. If there is NO narcissistic supply to gain, after a few attempts, narcissists move on – they must.

If you are being invalidated by the silent treatment whilst still in the relationship and don’t know if there is still a relationship or not, the narcissist is likely to be using the silent treatment tactic for one or more of the following reasons.

  • She/he knows it affects you horrifically.
  • The time ‘away’ is being used to pursue, investigate or indulge in other narcissistic supply.
  • She/he feels a significant ego feed from receiving your calls, texts and emails and not responding. ‘I can affect you this much because I am IMPORTANT.’
  • To gather evidence about you, in the form of your messages, to show to other people regarding how ‘crazy’ and ‘bad’ you are.

If you are caught up in this, you will feel like you are losing your mind! And that’s the way the narcissists wants it, because it vindicates them. It makes them more entrenched in their delusion that they are the victim and it’s you with the issues, while he or she plays the ‘martyr’ who needs to pull away.

Naturally, the obscene thing that the narcissist did that preceded their silent treatment, when you stood up, asked for accountability or challenged them, is conveniently dismissed.

That in itself is enough to make your head spin!

Please know, I intimately understand the horrible injustice of all of this and how abandoned, devastated and betrayed we feel by someone who has not only the propensity to invalidate our feelings constantly by not caring about us enough to be kind and decent, but who in our deepest times of requiring resolution and communication to work towards our true desire of a healthier relationship, will COMPLETELY check out and desert you.

That’s what the silent treatment is all about – punishing you for upsetting the narcissist’s game: ‘I am not here FOR you or to grant you anything; I am only here for what I can TAKE from you.’

We Have to Stop Abandoning Ourselves

In this section I want us to understand how to respond to the silent treatment.

If it’s not a healthy relationship – we don’t respond at all.

I want to help you be very clear about what a healthy relationship looks like. It is two people who care about each other and want to work towards solution. They don’t jump ship as soon as they are questioned or the other person requires emotional support and understanding.

Healthy relationships aren’t the toxic ones that narcissistic abuse brings – they don’t go around and around in circles without ever truly resolving and evolving things to higher levels of connection.

I know how confusing it is in a narcissistic relationship when this person is convincing you that you are the problem, and you feel so emptied out, fragmented and traumatised that you have no idea which way is up or which is down. And I know that when we feel like this, we feel so soul-shattered that we can’t even begin to understand how we will ever feel whole and healthy again.

This is especially horrific when we are abandoned with the silent treatment.

In Thriver recovery this is one of the most important mantras we can ever understand: It is the time when I feel so abandoned by someone that I need to turn inwards and no longer abandon myself.

This is the truth about all our triggered wounds. It is not what someone has done to us nearly as much as what that action has triggered off within us that needs our own healing.

And I promise you with all my heart that trying to force the person who has done ‘that thing to us’ to do it differently or to change equals a big fat ‘how to lose’. They won’t change and, even if they do, another silent treatment/discard is coming, at the whim of their self-absorbed conscienceless ego, while the state of our soul remains in their malicious, unpredictable self-serving hands.

This is powerlessness. We are precariously reliant on someone who has the power to regularly and randomly abuse and hurt us. This is identical to playing out our life as a powerless child dependent on an adult ‘doing the right thing’ and if they don’t still being connected helplessly anyway.

In relation to a narcissist – there isn’t even any ‘one’ there to love you.  a False Self who is only serving their own ego feed. You are wanting someone to care about you who doesn’t even exist.

However, when we do turn inwards to find our inner underdeveloped parts that are handing their power away and heal them up to wholeness (which is what my NARP Program powerfully does) then the game is over.

We don’t need to precariously cling to someone hoping they will love, care for and commit to us.

Why not? Because FINALLY we have come home to do this for ourselves.

This is the SIMPLE definition of wholeness – ‘I love, care for and commit to myself regardless of what you are or aren’t doing.’

THAT is Thriving…

The Golden Opportunity Of Silent Treatment

Many a narcissist has been blind-sighted by NARPers who uplevel and heal (on the quiet) when the narcissist has disconnected from them.

Jane’s story demonstrates exactly that. Jane had been ditched and reconnected with more times than she could count over the last five years. When Jane confronted Brendan about questionable messages on his phone, that were under the name of a man but seemed like those from a woman, Brendan accused her of paranoia and broke away…again…

Jane could not contact him, and she was shattered. She apologised, she begged for forgiveness by text messages and emails and she even rang and talked to one of his best friends, trying to get the message passed on, but he would not reply to her. In desperation, she drove to his house, but he wouldn’t open the door.

Let’s just get this straight – over the past few years Jane had discovered numerous affairs and even been contacted by other women – she had every right to be ‘paranoid’.

Jane, when she found her way to this Community, TOTALLY felt like she was losing her mind. She couldn’t eat sleep or function. Jane was encouraged to start NARP.

With everything she had, Jane detached from thinking about Brendan and got firmly down to the inner work on herself.

Jane was astounded to find that the triggers that Brendan was hitting within her were huge childhood and epigenetic already existing wounds of not feeling loved, valued and worthy of someone’s commitment to her. These were the REAL and deep reasons that Jane had been putting up with the crumbs and abuse of ‘love’ her whole life. Finally, she had enough of these painful patterns.

After two weeks she was emotionally ready to block and delete all means of contact with him – which she did.

Two days later Brendan appeared on her doorstep. She didn’t answer the door. She felt nothing but repulsion and anger towards him. The thought of being with him made her feel ill. She told him to leave or she would call the police and have him removed.

She meant it.

After a couple more failed attempts Brendan left her alone. Not long after that another woman contacted her on social media and told her about the affair she had been having with Brendan for the last six months.

Jane was relieved to finally be healing the pattern of abusive, non-committal, pathological lying partners in her life (narcissists) and never looked back. Today in her new abuse-free life she is Thriving – having purged herself of not only all emotional and psychic connections with Brendan, but also her original traumas and fractures that were not allowing her to become a source of love, care and commitment to herself, and then to generate that with a genuine other.

Jane, today, is the happiest and healthiest she has ever been and is in a wonderful position to trust herself, be empowered and connected to a healthy and real relationship. Without the inner work, Jane wouldn’t have had the inner resources to say ‘yes’ to healthy and ‘no’ to unhealthy.

I was Jane…I was bonded to narcissists, also letting them back into my life helplessly no matter how they treated me. So many of us have been there! Whenever we are doing this, as we do with narcissists, it’s because we are unconsciously tied up in the situation emotionally. It has absolutely nothing to do with the logical mind.

If we don’t get to the deeper reasons and free ourselves we just don’t get free.

It took Jane two weeks of daily healing with NARP to get clear and free – that is how fast it can happen.

With narcissist number one, it took me eighteen months of everyday torment to finally let go of the devastation of his ‘silent treatment’. With narcissist number two it took me three days. This was solely because I was able to address my triggered inner wounds with NARP.

Please know, knowing how to respond to the ‘silent treatment’ is your Golden Opportunity to not just stop losing your mind, but to really heal YOU so that your heart and mind gets freed into trajectories with Life that are affirming your newfound self-partnered love, care and commitment to yourself.

Can you imagine what a beautiful day it is when you couldn’t care less if the narcissist ever hoovers you again or not?

Can you imagine how powerful it is when you don’t have any longing, pulls or desire to ever want to be with someone like that again?

Can you imagine how incredible it feels, when hoovered by a narcissist, to feel like you would prefer to be nailed to the back of a burning door than EVER be with him or her again?

Can you imagine what it feels like to never again think this person is worth your oxygen, let alone ANOTHER round of your verbal or emotional energy?

You betcha it’s AWESOME!

It’s also MORE than possible to achieve. If you do the inner work with NARP, it’s inevitable.

I know when I was mired in the trenches of despair with this, I would have crawled across a paddock of broken glass if I thought relief would be on the other side.

Now, I am so happy that other people don’t have to do this, because the solution is here for you at your fingertips. I’d love to explain it to you and, more importantly, SHOW you how this works by you signing up to my free workshop.

You can do that here.

Or…if you have been thinking about NARP for some time and today’s article really has inspired you with ‘enough is enough’ and ‘there really is nothing else to do’, you can get started on your first powerful Module 1 experience today by clicking here.

Also as a P.S. today, I want to share with you that I have had the incredible surprise of being nominated for the Kindred Spirit Awards 2019 – Personality of the Year!

This magazine showcases new healing modalities, shares insightful interviews with the leading lights of the Mind Body Spiritual world and is the UK’s go-to guide for spiritual and compassionate living.

What I am so humbled and thrilled about is that helping people Heal for Real from Narcissistic Abuse is gaining such world-wide recognition. I would adore your support in voting for me, which is SO about voting for the movement to end abuse/abused cycles in our world.

You can vote for me and the Thriver Mission here:
ONLINE: Go to kindredspirit.co.uk/%20vote/
VIA FACEBOOK: Go to the KS Facebook page: facebook.com/kindredspiritmagazine
The voting lines close on 30 June 2019.

Thank you Dear Thrivers!

And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Your Spouse Is Not A Mind Reader

Your Spouse Is Not A Mind Reader

You can’t always get what you want, but if you open your mouth and clearly state what you want and need, 9 times out of 10 your spouse will respond positively.

The post Your Spouse Is Not A Mind Reader appeared first on Divorce Magazine.

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