If I had my way the word “date” would not be part of the English language. There would be a less stressful way of finding a future mate. What, I don’t know, but definitely less stressful. The “dating game” and the mechanics of it set most of us up to make this one huge mistake…appearing desperate.
In Dating Is The Worst Way To Find Love And We Should All Stop Doing It, Jessica Blankenship pretty much says it all up.
Look, I don’t care how perfectly self-aware and secure you are, when you focus too much attention on how you’re coming off to someone else, especially if you’re attracted to that person, you’re going to f#@k it up. Somehow. You’re going to be a little too calculating with your words and actions, a little too nervous, and then a little too boastful to compensate for it, and then self-deprecating to compensate for the arrogance (and you’re not even typically an arrogant person! WTF is this date doing to you?) and by the end of the night, you’re back at home with a nauseating certainty that the lovely person you just shared a meal with has the completely wrong impression of you and you pretty much want to die.
We try desperately to make a great first impression. To such a degree that we can’t help but come off desperate in our search for new love. And, let’s face it, desperation stinks! So, to keep the odor down and the crazy at bay below are a few suggestions for those who want to start enjoying dating after divorce and possibly finding a new relationship.
You Don’t Want to Make These Mistakes When Dating After Divorce
1. Persistent Talking Is a No, No:
A solid relationship will take time to form. In other words, you’ve got plenty of time to tell your life story if you’ve made a match. It doesn’t have to be done on the first date. And, if it isn’t done on the first date you’ve got a better chance at a second date.
Relax, chill out and keep somethings to yourself. Don’t talk about your high conflict divorce, your dysfunctional childhood or that nuisance of a co-worker you deal with daily. We all have baggage we lug around but it’s best if you don’t unpack any of it on a first date.
Live your dates in the moment. Focus on your surroundings, activities and the person you are with. You will find plenty to talk about by making the choice to talk about the “here and now.”
2. Keep Your Scary Skeletons In The Closet:
Seriously, no one wants to know how many times your ex cheated on you before they get to know YOU. Did you spend a night in Juvie at sixteen or, shoplift a lip gloss at twelve? We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, most of us have done something a bit sketchy in our past. Save it for the third or fourth date when you are more certain of how they will respond.
3. Don’t Drop Your Standards:
When thinking about a future mate or a new love relationship we all have a list of “must haves.” Traits like honesty, security, work ethic, physical attraction, compatibility, and intelligence. The desperate dater, the one who feels they are kissing a lot of toads and not coming up with a prince may be tempted to lower their standards.
Someone who is not worthy of you, knows they are not worthy of you. They know you are settling for less than you want and need and will take advantage of that weakness.
For example, I have a friend who just broke up with her “boyfriend.” She dated this man for seven months. During those seven months, he had never picked up a dinner tab or paid for her drinks. He never called ahead to schedule a date either. He would text or call at the last moment wanting to meet for drinks or dancing.
He was a “busy” scientist who traveled a lot for work, she was a lonely divorcee who wanted attention and company. He played on her desperation and she allowed herself to believe that someone who was using her for a booty call was a “boyfriend.” When she learned he was a scientist who wasn’t “busy” or traveling but married, she ended the relationship and reevaluated what it was about herself that allowed her to lower her standards.
4. Don’t Be Too Available:
This is a mistake my friend made. If you are ready to go out with thirty minutes notice for a “date” what message are you sending the other person? Don’t allow anyone to believe that you can be their afterthought or last minute “go to” when bored or other plans fall through.
Unless you are in an established relationship with this person set a pattern that lets them know you are worthy of making plans with days in advance. If you don’t, you’ll never move beyond the “afterthought” phase of a relationship.
5. Don’t Complain About Being Single:
Want to put your date in their place, really let them know why you are there in the first place…to find a new mate, complain about being single. Yeah, do that and there definitely won’t be a second date. You may be seeking empathy but you aren’t likely to get it from someone if they feel the date is an audition for the role of future husband/wife.
6. Contact Overkill:
If a first and second date goes well, it’s important to keep in touch but it is possible to go overboard. Emailing, calling and texting two or three times a day is a good way to scare off someone with potential. Nothing says, “Borderline stalker” like constant texting or calling. Back away from the iPhone!
7. Not Create Some Space:
Last, but certainly not least create space between your life and a new relationship. If you get lucky and make a great connection with a date don’t become consumed by that person and the new relationship. The goal is to find someone new to share your life with, not to make the new relationship your entire life.
You have your own life and they have theirs. The point is to come together and create something that is beneficial to both parties…your life plus a little something new.
Dating, as daunting as it is, is the main way most will find a new relationship. New relationships have natural phases, there is a beginning, a middle and if you are lucky, a “happily ever after.” Desperation causes some to rush through those natural phases which, in turn, works against them finding the “one” they long to meet. Relax, don’t come on too strong and enjoy dating. Doing so will promote the goal of finding new love.
The post Don’t Make These 7 Mistakes When Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.
Even mentioning the word “prenup” can bring up bad feelings between some couples, but it is important to know what you’re agreeing to before you sign. Here are six prenuptial mistakes you should avoid.
You didn’t expect to wind up back in the dating pool when you exchanged vows in front of your family and friends. Now you are alone again and longing for a new relationship. Whether you are happy or sad about it, it’s definitely not easy.
Are you still hoping to find love again? If so, don’t despair.
There is a great chance of finding just the right partner for you. In order to get to that goal, you will most likely have to go on a few dates.
Avoid these 8 dating mistakes in order to give yourself the best chance of dating success.
1. Not taking time to heal is one of the costliest dating mistakes
This is one of the most important dating mistakes that you need to avoid. Due to feeling panicky, you may wind up jumping into the dating pool right after your divorce in order to reassure yourself that you will not spend the rest of the life alone. This, however, can lead to fiascos and disappointments and make you feel even worse. There are three aspects of emotional healing that you should address prior to considering dating after divorce. This will help you avoid many other dating mistakes.
- Finishing emotional business with your ex
- Figuring out what you are about and what you truly want
- Reflect on your part in issues in your past relationships
2. Being coy in terms of what you truly want can deter good men
I’ve seen many women in the dating scene trying to fit in and avoid showing their true colors. This is not because they are fake, bad personalities, or liars. Many women are influenced by societal norms to think that they are not good enough the way they are. They’ve read articles that say “Don’t come across as too desperate to hop into another relationship.”
So, they go on dates being shy to express what they are truly after, a committed, loving relationship. And, you shouldn’t be too desperate. But, dating should be purposeful. This is the place to show your true authentic self so that you can find a guy who will be thrilled to be with you.
Avoid this dating mistake by being clear and assertive about what you are after. This exudes confidence and helps you eliminate the guys that are not on the same path as you are. Men love this anyhow.
3. Taking the dating process too seriously leads to high expectations
This dating mistake can lead to making you feel and possibly come across as desperate. Dating is meant to be fun. Although your goal is to find a life partner, your agenda for a specific date is to have fun, enjoy dinner, and getting to know the person you are meeting. With this approach, you will feel less anxious and you will be able to pick up important information about your date. You will be able to get a better sense of how this particular man relates to you.
4. Not dating more than one person at the time
If you date only one man, you don’t get a chance to open yourself up to various opportunities. This dating mistake can lead you to put all your eggs in a wrong basket. Consider dating as a job interview where you are the interviewer who is selecting the candidates. Think about how many candidates a company interviews for a position. You are selecting a life partner. I think you get the picture.
5. Jumping too quickly into another committed relationship
Committing too early can strip away the joy that comes with initial courtship. Why not allow this process to unfold naturally? Put some brakes on. Allow the men who are courting you prove to you that they are worthy of your heart and commitment. Doing so will allow you to make an informed decision regarding your lifetime partner. When you allow more time to pass, you will be able to see the guy in potential crises situations and how he reacts to your ups and downs, etc.
It’s reassuring to see when he is able to handle these kinds of situations with grace. After all, you are not seeking to have just any relationship, but you are seeking to find the one that you will be stoked about.
6. Expecting that happiness will come one day when you find “the right one.”
Going on dates with this mindset will only turn away good prospects. Remember, the law of attraction? If you are happy, you are more likely to attract and be attracted to a happy person. If you are not basically happy within yourself, it’s not likely that your relationship will be a happy one. Besides, this expectation puts a great deal of burden on another person and it leads to failure. The quest for making someone else happy can’t be fulfilled and relationships based on this attraction (depressed person and someone who will rescue and make them happy) often lead to frustration.
7. Giving up too early if you don’t see initial sparks
This dating mistake stems from the notion that we need to have an epic initial attraction in order to continue dating someone. You have to remember that you are not 17 anymore. With divorce under your belt and your hormones being more mature, you may not be able to have the same kinds of reactions as when you were younger. This is a good thing actually. Being less excitable will allow you to build a bond based on deeper attraction and compatibility.
So, give it a chance. See how it develops. Enjoy the friendship and dating the person for a while before you throw in the towel.
8. Being stuck on the same selection criteria as when you were in your 20t’s
You did your best to find the right partner for your marriage when you were young. You two seemed like the perfect pair and everyone wondered why you divorced. Usually, when we are getting married the first time when we are young, we rely on specific criteria. We want to find a compatible partner, and we look into his education, job, looks, cultural background, etc. These are very important aspects, but it’s evident that we may not be a good match in spite of all these aspects aligning well.
At this point in your life, what matters is that you can have a good supportive friendship and that you can enjoy spending a lot of time together. This discussion goes back to healing process where you determine what works for you at this time of life. You’ve changed who you are, and you will not have the same values in life. Even if your new partner is not on the same academic level as you are, you two may be able to have the most interesting stimulating conversations and a great emotional connection.
Avoid these dating mistakes if you want to have a successful dating life after divorce. Start with healing, and when you are emotionally ready to date, enjoy the process of dating without too serious agenda. Go get to know people and have fun!
The post 8 Dating Mistakes To Avoid When Dating After Divorce appeared first on Divorced Moms.